Moody Fingers: Musings from what’s left of a single mothers mind.

Just one more single momma with a lot on her mind.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:15:00 +0000

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about other people. More specifically, their opinions about how we raise our children as single parents. I've been sitting on this post for a couple weeks and Ms Single Mama beat me to the punch the other day with her brilliant post, My Decision. Once again, we seem to be living in parallel universes. I guess at some point we all encounter this situation… single parents or not. Someone, somewhere always has an opinion about how you’re raising your child and the ways in which you are failing.

I became virtually introduced to Ms Single Mama a couple years ago when she first started blogging… blogging about raising her little boy alone. At the time, my daughter was very little and I was merely emotionally alone. I had a partner, who was doing the best he could. I just couldn’t see it. Becoming a mother was the scariest and most brilliant moment of my life and I sought refuge and gained strength and insight from her words.

I’ve been blogging for a while… December 2006, I believe was my first post. It originated from the notion of keeping family and friends on the west coast apprised of the change and discoveries within our life here in Chicago, but actually turned out to be a door to one of the greatest support systems I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve a handful of friends who get all dreamy when they think about raising their kids alone… no partner to appease, come and go as you please, etc. It makes me laugh when they see it as something glamorous. Wasn’t it just a few years ago being a single mother was the equivalent of wearing the Scarlet A?

Truth is there isn’t much that’s easy about this. There’s the balance between work and home – working just enough to keep the electricity on and still spend quality time with your kid. Questions you’re not ready to answer – why doesn’t daddy live here? The constant wonder of how your decisions will shape their future. And then there’s the dating. And most of us just give up on it. But then when we’ve no date for Thanksgiving dinner we’re up against all the looks and the age-old idea that a child needs two live-in parents in order to result in a healthy functioning member of society. It’s exhausting. But it’s still the best damn job I’ve ever had.

This blog of mine has now become my little corner of the world where I say what I want about whom and rant about the things that aggravate me and work through any lingering questions or emotions I might have while showing off the best of me; my daughter. It’s unrealistic to think that this blog accurately exemplifies my everyday life. It is simply the Swiss cheese representation. There are literally 2 maybe 3 other people in my life who get the rest of the “cheese”, if you will. They know the background stories; why becoming a mother was so scary for me; they know why, when and whom raised my emotional wall and they are fully aware of what it will take to tear it down, they see the interaction with my daughter, they know her and how stable and amazing she is. Point is… these are people who get it… the work, the dedication, the sacrifices, the emotional strain and triumph these Spencer girls have gone through.

Sure, I put my stories out here, let everyone draw their conclusions… and some fail to see the whole picture and take things at face value. But then there are the others, that read, ask and interact… and it’s your selflessness, intelligence and compassion that I love about this whole adventure. There are always nay-sayers, people who attack with prejudice and inexperience. There are always those that don’t understand your vision and appreciate your struggles… and being the stubborn woman that I am with the schedule that I maintain, I’ve just no time or patience for such arrogance.

Insecurity raises my defenses, but Ms Single Mama said it best in her post ‘when you’re up against a pre-conceived image of yourself how do you fight that?’ I’m a damn good mother and I’m not going to live in fear of a few sideways opinions. My daughter is healthy, happy and loves life. She’s intelligent and compassionate, stubborn and strong-willed. She’s resilient. Just like her mommy. And that’s the way... uh huh uh huh… I like it.

Hugs to all my readers; supporters and otherwise. You all keep me going… even if it is in different ways.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what this says about me.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 03:57:00 +0000

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Sad kitty.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:03:00 +0000

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I asked Addi what she was going to be for Halloween. She said 'your daddy.' lol

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:38:00 +0000

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We're starting a revolution from my bedroom... "Rah rah, ah ah ahh!"

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:47:00 +0000

This morning I wandered into my room to find Addi awake, propped up on my bed listening to my iPod. She pulled the headphones away and smiled.

"Mommy. Is this Gaga?"

"You got it."

{dramatic sigh} "I loves it." And she put the headphones back on and tapped her foot through the rest of the song with her eyes closed.

Earning my stripes.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:13:00 +0000

I continue to give props to my friend The Gentleman who once suggested I like holding onto old skeltons. This one statement of his started a revolution within me. His rare honesty, willingness to pull back the layers and the humility to look past the fight... make my knees weak and inspire me often to change my mindset. I'm pretty sure he was born riding a white horse.

I’ve often been called an elitist, heck… I think I’ve even described my actions that way. Some even tell me initially they were intimidated by me and found me stuck up. Truth is I really am none of those things. I just tend to keep to myself if you’re not amusing or intriguing me. Ok… I am a bit of an elitist. Point is this behavior of mine tends to give me a lot of thinking time. Often people scare me because I will be so deep in thought, or rather, conversation with myself, I don’t even notice them in front of me.

Lately, I’ve been rolling around a couple conversations I’ve had with Carl. Each one he’s basically said the same thing; I broke his heart and he never felt I was “in it” with him. For the longest time, I’ve been beating myself up about the way we came to be who we are to one another today… mere acquaintances. During my latest conversation with myself I had an epiphany… I need to get these thoughts out of my head and continue cleaning those skeletons out of my closet. Bear with me here…

Dear Carl,

I am posting this letter to you here because you’ve pulled the plug on our friendship... yet again and I also know you no longer come here.

[World, welcome to my passive-aggressive moment.]

You were caught breaking your own rules and with this new decision of yours I’ve had to fight the urge to tell you just how hypocritical and immature your actions were. Truth is, I would never tell you this, because regardless of everything, I meant all I said. You’ve sat by and let me beat myself up over things I did for the best interest of my daughter and myself, yet until 3 weeks ago, you were enjoying your cake and eating it, too. Lunches with the ex and dinners with the new girl. Rock on, playa. Honestly, I hold no grudges, though.

I missed you… missed us and was willing to deal with the consequences of my actions, because it still gave me a little more time with you. I still have the emails, a random voice mail, Uncle Daryl, the memories were we seem so real I would swear I could touch us. Remember, the freezing cold walk we took to the grocery store for root beer floats and when we got home, cuddled under the blankets to get warm and fell asleep forgetting all about the ice cream? Or the time we missed the train four times in one morning. I just finished the last of the lotion left over from our stay at the Westin and I still get the email alerts every time your favorite local band is playing.

The reason all of this bothers me so, is each time I talked to you about the dissolution of us, you lead me to believe I broke your heart. You cried. You begged. You told me how angry and of the mess you became because of it. Swore I was one of two girls you said those three little words too… the other being your ex wife. Yet, within two weeks of our parting, you had another girlfriend… not just dates… a girlfriend. And then you finally came clean about that old flame. And that’s ok… I already knew about her.

At our lunches, we would sit and talk about where we are now, what we’re doing and how we maintain our sanity. You would always ask “are you seeing anyone?” To which I mostly replied “no”. You would then say the thing that irritates me the most… “Well… someday you’ll find some guy who will appreciate you and then you’ll be happy”.

And I realize all over again, you still don’t get it and you probably never will. Your tone alleged that you felt sorry for me. There’s no reason for that. I am happy. Now. Right now. I don’t need someone else to define me… in a way I guess I needed to prove that to myself. I cared about where we talked about going too much to destroy it the way I’d done in the past. I needed to heal and work that out of myself before I could move on to an “us”. And if I rip off all the layers, you are a large part of why I stepped outside the circle of new boys, too.

For someone you found it so easy to say ‘I love you’ to, it was even easier to replace me. During our lunches, I would look at you and often wonder if you were happy… truly happy. You wouldn’t look me in the eye very long, but your eyes never seemed to sparkle the same… maybe they do when you look at her. I guess now, I’ll never have to worry about finding the courage to ask you.

My best… always,

Jerkface.

Let me give you a hand... letting yourself out.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:25:00 +0000

One thing most men simply do not seem to understand about me: I loath playing emotional or mental games. Are you looking for a one night stand? Looking for the proverbial white picket fence and 2.5 kids, soccer practice and Girl Scout cookies? Just want someone available to watch the random movie with? Just tell me. I understand these wants and needs change, too. Just keep me informed. Why does there need to be so many layers to everything?

I recently spent some time with The Candy Man and I will never forget the feeling I had when I woke up in the morning; looked at the clock, at him sleeping, left and sent him a text telling him I didn’t want to wake him but it was nice seeing him again. Driving home, had I not been so tired I would have giggled. This is what honesty feels like with a man? Hold on… even now I need a celebratory drink. I love adult moments.

I’ve been asked a lot recently, why I haven’t been dating and everyone has someone I just have to meet, but I’m not interested. I’m on hiatus. Honestly. And I fucking love it here.

Somewhere, I read a quote that said something along the lines of “the times you feel the loneliest are the times you need to be alone the most” and that replays in my head daily. I became so codependent with J it’s embarrassing. It truly is. I did meet two really great guys and I blew my chances with both because of this. The first? Candy Man… easy. Met him a week after J and I broke up… raw and full of it. I simply transferred my codependency on to him. And with Carl, I pushed him away (actually, it was more like kicked and ran away from) to keep from doing it again.

I felt and still feel that I needed to stand on my own for a while to truly appreciate having someone else in my life. 17 when I married. 26 when I divorced. By that time I was already involved with a man I was convinced I was going to marry. March 2009, birthday present to my 28 year old self? My own place full of my own stuff. Hello to growing up! That is what I am doing. There are days I am so tired and stressed and feel like crawling in my empty tub to bawl, but when I go to bed at night, I feel a sense of accomplishment I’ve never known before. Right now...I’m in love with those butterflies.

Yes, I am a single mother with a full-time job, but I also have essentially 4 other part-time jobs. I don’t have time to figure out where these adventures are going or to worry about whether or not some Joe is going to call me. What little time I do have is reserved for a precious little piece of me… and I need to make damn sure I know where its going if I’m directing it away from her.

Someday, I will meet the man that blows me away and slows me down… I’m not in a hurry, though. I’m, not so secretly anymore, looking forward to more dinners of peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and roaming through my apartment in my wife beater, boxers and unshaven legs.

Yeah I went there... {giggles}

Leaving shadows... heavy shadows.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:11:00 +0000

[Disclaimer: This post has been laying around my apartment, in the form of random note sheets and various text messages, since the first week of August. My. My. My. What a slacker I have turned out to be. No real reason, other than lacking in time. So, please don’t read into that… and now… back to August 4, 2009.]

So, today I received a message from The Boy today telling me he’d quit social networking and was venturing out into the real world. Kudos. High five. Good for him.

We decided the best place for him was helping keep my friend bench warm. As I’ve told him before, I’m not sure what I’m looking for so I like this arrangement better... fewer expectations, assumptions and rules.

He then texted me to confess he never thought we would have worked out anyways. Ok. Now you have my attention. Was I about to get an honest confession or simply a response filled with insecurity and anger, like so many before?

Him: You seem fixated on raising your daughter alone and more power to you and just based on what I’ve read and talked to you about, you don’t seem to be ready to settle down and honestly if you’re happy that’s all that matters. Plus, I don’t really get some aspects of your life and I don’t make judgments but some of them make me uncomfortable. I realize J was there when Addi was born and I realize he helped raise her for a year. Just seems weird that he still watches and picks her up, etc. He’s not her real parent and I just wonder if in 3 years he has kids of his own and finds out he doesn’t have time for her, how it will adversely affect her.

{Scratches head} Uhm.

For starters, I don’t want to raise my daughter alone… but I’m not going to let just anyone help in this. You don’t get a do-over and I see the ways in which my childhood has left its scars and I wish someone had taken a little more care with that. In a way, yes, Boy, you are correct. Until I find someone I trust with all of me, daughter included, I will remain fixated on raising her alone… which also answers, why I do not seem ready to settle down.

It’s the J aspect I really want to discuss. I’d be over the moon with some input here, too, from the parents that have been here, are struggling with this too. Heck, even if you’re not and you’ve got something to contribute to this… do it. You will totally make my day. [How’s that for soliciting comments?]

J is not Addi’s father. He was my best friend and roommate when she was born. Her father and I were separated. Both were in the room the day she was born. The day after her birth, a much quieter and sincere version of J appeared in my hospital room, to tell me he wanted to help me… help me raise my daughter. And that he loved me. Gorgeous baby and the man of dreams in less than 24 hours? I don’t remember what I said, but I’m certain I muttered and spoke as eloquent as a chimp reading Spanish upside down.

That was it. For nearly two years, both her father and J walked and worked side by side with me taking care of Addison… sometimes picking up more than their share when I was overwhelmed and losing balance. To her, J was just as much a father as her own. I genuinely believe he loves her and would do just as much for her as he would his own.

When J and I broke up and I moved out, the first 2 months were brutal on both Addi and I. She often stood, forehead pressed against our glass door, looking for him. Asking where he was and even crying for him. Regardless of any differences that J and I have had, he maintains a relationship with Addison and doesn’t treat her any differently than he ever has. I believe we have all settled into a much more comfortable place with the roles we play in one another’s life and I greatly value the influence J is on Addison.

So, with the significantly condensed version of the relationship between them, how can I cut that? Why would I want to? How selfish that would be on my part to take that away from her. J still is a great friend of mine, and yes, for the 3 guys that made it past date 1, he was always a problem. I understand their concern and even understand the twinge of jealousy, but if we all have the same interests at heart; one being her happiness, it seems selfish and immature of them to not understand the need for that relationship to continue… its not about me and him… its about her and him.

Are there any parents that have been in this situation or something similar present? I would love advice, criticism…thoughts in general on this. Am I really being too idealistic here? Can we all co-exist peacefully?

[Footnote: The Boy’s honesty and integrity is amazing. I appreciate the angle from which he views things and for this reason, he will always be ranked high on my friend list.]

Mac & Cheese with chopsticks? Monkey can do!

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:44:00 +0000

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Friends shouldn't let friends play with stamps. Sorry @KBAlexandria. Lol

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:16:00 +0000

What was supposed to be a cute little skull and cross bones, turned into a quickly expanding black cloud on the ever lovely KBear's hand. {giggles}

Oops... My bad.

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Look! You're really here... in my sandbox.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:44:00 +0000

{giggles}

This man deserves a medal. He puts up with so much of obnoxious bs. I'm sure he rolls his eyes when I walk away, and even though he requested his office be at the opposite end of building from me, he still humors me.

Kudos to you, B Man.

Its her party... and we're growing Monkeys... Sea Monkeys.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:56:00 +0000

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Did the Monkey join the circus? :)

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:18:00 +0000

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Touché, friend. Touché.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:41:00 +0000

So... J is jokingly threatening retaliation of posting the above picture in response to my Amana post yesterday. Unfortunatly, for him... I have no shame.

And... come on! As he said himself, its by far, his best photographic work... Hooters tee, tattoo, Carebear and sleepytimes.

That's talent there J. Pure talent. {pulls up knee socks and twirls away}

... And We're all pictured out.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:37:00 +0000

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'Lets do this mommy!'

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:35:00 +0000

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the best of me...

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:32:00 +0000

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Hey you… your nostalgia’s showing.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:52:00 +0000

It’s hard to believe how little I use my computer having cancelled my internet. I rarely have it on even for music. With my newest endeavors, which I will soon share, I am finding myself needing it more and more. I’m even considering playing nice with Comcast and turning my internet back on. Realizing that I may soon be joining the 21st century again, I’ve started organizing files and folders on my hard drive. Wow… I’ve got some picture uploading to do.

I stumbled upon this set taken April 11, 2009. J’s birthday. There really isn’t much of a story here, except I had been bothering him for 2 years to go to the Amana Colonies in Iowa with me and of all days he suggest, he chose his birthday.

J is one of very few people who truly appreciates my interest in packing up and moving out for a day. We’ve made a couple random day trips, and I’ve enjoyed all immensely. This one and the Agora trip, stick out the most in my mind, though. Perhaps it’s because it’s the newest, but I honestly feel it was the timing of the trip. The ease of pressure it lifted and the hope it restored. It was the first time I had my friend back in a long time.

We left around noon and headed east. He drove. We made a couple stops along the way; The World’s Largest Hillbilly Gathering… I mean, Truck Stop and in Utica for lunch. It took us over 4 hours to get there… mainly because we were taking our time. And for the first time in a long time… enjoying the company of one another.

Come on! How can you say no this? {giggles}

6 months later, I still don't get this plate.

To this day, one of my favorite videos of J!

We pulled into one of the Colonies and made our way to the brewery, where we learned the shops were all closing in 30 minutes. We laughed, grabbed our cups and headed outside. I never appreciated beer, let alone dark beer until I met J, so I was excited to experience theirs again. It was pretty awesome… and we were quickly on our way to “goofy”.

He is hilarious and so silly sometimes!

Once we finished there, we wandered up and down a couple streets. We furiously snapped pictures. Random buildings. Our goofy faces. Perhaps, it was simply to prove we were there… but I knew where we were, whether physically or emotionally, was a place we both were mostly likely never going to be at again together. We made our way back to the car and I drove us home. We were in Amana an hour at the most and in the car for nearly 9 that day.

As 2009 nears its end, I wanted to share with you a day I will cherish always. It astonishes me how even after all we have been through and the distance we have travelled from one another, how we can still manage to find our way back to center and look back laughing.

Yeah... That little nose picker She's mine. {blushes}

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:37:00 +0000

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Two goofballs... :)

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:26:00 +0000

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And this little Monkey's in heaven.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:31:00 +0000

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Enjoying @ChefWalton's spaghetti sauce & watching The Jungle Book = good night.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:23:00 +0000

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I call faker! She's been singing and making silly faces all day! :)

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:04:00 +0000

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I have the cutest squeak toy ever. Poor baby.

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:24:00 +0000

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Popsicles at 5 am? Sure...why not. :)

nikolspencer@gmail.com (@NikolSpencer) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:14:00 +0000

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