Monica Hamburg Presents: Your Dose of Lunacy

Fondling Red Ants. Negative.

2013-05-14T13:08:00.001-07:00

The translated headline here works better than anything a writer could have come up with:

Of course, I think an equal sign would have worked better than the dash... but I'm not going to be picky here, Google.

I like finding related questions posed on the net for the mini-cast, so I tried the following:

You know what, Google? You've entirely won this round. Kudos.

--

Try this episode of the podcast: A hobbyist acupuncturist uses his "skills" on his music students to kill... Another guy kills his wife & son - just in case they're ill!

"Dazed and Convicted", a dark comedy podcast.

DazedandConvicted.com

Twitter: @dazedconvicted @monicahamburg

Facebook: Facebook.com/DazedandConvicted

Why Can You Play With a Dog But Not a Bandersnatch?

2013-04-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

(A quick note: I have begun posting similar posts (to the ones I usually post here) on the podcast site. So if you go to DazedandConvicted.com, you'll see some new absurdities. Or you can just click on this link.)

Until then, here are some wonderful questions that appeared on Yahoo Answers.

I'd go with "because people actually exist" but then I'd have to start thinking about how Yahoo Questioners are actually people and I care not to do that.

Ghosts! They're like rats or roaches! Will they be able to forecast a nuclear war, though? Let's ask Yahoo Answers!

Wait, there's something more pressing.

Tim.

---

Try the podcast. A recent episode of the Mini-Cast (a bi-weekly extension of the podcast) here:

"Dazed and Convicted", a dark comedy podcast.

DazedandConvicted.com

Twitter: @dazedconvicted

Facebook: Facebook.com/DazedandConvicted

Influenced by Adam's Leaf...

2013-04-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Apparently, even baristas give me Rorschach tests...

Speaking of perversion,,, here are the most recent episodes of the podcast.
In #94, two perverts who claim they had wardrobe malfunctions.
In #93, two men who know how to make a commitment. To women who want them committed.
Click below to listen.

You Might Enjoy The Following Articles About Eye-Gouging"

2013-03-12T15:25:00.003-07:00

Here is a suggestion Facebook made for me with regard to the Dazed and Convicted page.

Now I did post that article on the page (and talked about it on this episode). But I have a strange feeling that it might not endear random people to my podcast.

Obviously, some feel differently. Often when you read articles on newsites you'll see suggestions of other similar articles.

Naturally, my response to this was, "Fuck yah!" But some sites phrase their recommendations in a.. somewhat off-putting manner.

Enjoy non-consensual anal-sex articles! Of course you do! Now get on our list and wait for the sirens!

--

Similarly, I've captured a comment by someone who sincerely likes the creepers in the news stories. He/She left this on an article about a man who chased a woman and her 4-year old girl into a convenience store and dropped his pants while screaming at them. When the convenience story employees intervened, the man claimed the 4-year old was enticing him with her sexually provocative clothing (I'm imagining a spandex top and a strap-on here, and I don't want to.)

Sound like a smoldering gentlemen to you? Well...

--

But few things are more enjoyable than the randomness of the ads that a placed alongside articles.

I'm going to take a wild guess...

- - -

Give the podcast a listen. It's gotten pretty darn good. And we've made "iTunes" New & Noteworthy list a few times, if that means anything to you. What's it about? Well, it's like this blog: it's got me and my sense of humor. And it's a dark humor podcast about crime. We rant about a few news articles, make sketches about them, and have a comedian on to evaluate and decide on "The Fucktard of The Week".

How about a review from a fellow listener (who is, I promise, not related to me:)

Hear "Dazed and Convicted" on Soundcloud by clicking below. (We're also on iTunes, Stitcher and the feed is here.)

The Sex Was Dull - But The Sunset, Oh Baby!

2013-02-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

Why not continue with the user-porn-naming theme while I'm masturb--- uh, at it...

Here are some more porn clips as so clearly described by the site's users...

I know how to cook. But thanks.

Hey, you've got to practice those new skills!

I guess when I decode the riddle I'm allowed to get off?

Is it a card trick?!! Oh please let it be a card trick!

Lackluster Polite Gay Sex. Who else is all horned-up now?!

Then it hardly seems worth it.

Unenthused about masturbating to this. But then I noticed that Ocean View!

_______________________________________________________________________________

Want more weird and funny?

Listen to my podcast: "Dazed and Convicted" (DazedandConvicted.com). I like our most recent episode #89 a lot. Just click below and it'll play for ya.

C'mon, you know you want it...
OK, look, it doesn't matter what you want. This isn't about you.

Find me on Twitter: @monicahamburg and @dazedconvicted

And on Facebook: Me and Dazed and Convicted

Lady with Special Place Chooses Man Over Fish

2013-01-03T07:40:00.000-08:00

Hey, remember that porn site I look at all the time?

Yeah, well, I stopped doing that.

Psyche.

Here are some more porn clips. As described by the users who uploaded them:

Buddy, if that's even remotely a conflict for you... donate your cock.

Mick's just that kind of guy.

Pussy smash! Is that a new dance craze? Is it a way to prepare potatoes?

Fuck, I feel old.

Wow, what a supremely awful premise for a porno...

Would you really be able to get it up knowing you were soon to face the electric chair?

And even if you could, that's like fantasizing about your last meal - when you're a free person....
The fantasy is completely negated by the fact that you have it way better in real life...

I next expect to see "Man Gets to Bang Two Chicks Right Before Pit Bull Gnaws Off His Nuts".

What....? What does she get?!

Do I have to do all the detective work here?!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Want more weird and funny?

Listen to my podcast: "Dazed and Convicted" at DazedandConvicted.com

Find me on Twitter: @monicahamburg and @dazedconvicted

And on Facebook: Me & Dazed and Convicted

Podcast Update

2012-12-05T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'll be back to posting (at least occasionally) very soon. I've been busy with the podcast - which has gone through a number of changes (including the title: it's now "Dazed and Convicted").

I am happy to announce we just made it into iTunes' "New & Noteworthy" List! To those of you who listen to the podcast, thank you so much for your support!!!

And, if you haven't heard the show lately (or ever), please check it out. :)

One of my favorite recent episodes is:
#76 "Fake it Until You... Something" with Seth D. Wright (mp3 here)
and I also have a particular fondness for #79: "Pastor Molest to Cure vs Pastor Satan-Influenced Necro with Aaron Berg (mp3 here).

A list of all episodes can be found at:
http://www.dazedandconvicted.com/p/full-guest-list_4.html

Pervy Listening

2012-09-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

You like perverted things, I like perverted things. It's why we get along so swimmingly!

This entertaining episode of "The S&M Rants" deals with two special perverts...

Episode 63 - Naked Out of Consideration or Cross-Dressing to Molest

Episode Description

Figuring out how to truly enact your fetish isn't easy. It requires plausible excuses, excellent planning and a whole lot of whacked-outness. Well, these FTs got one out of the three right...

We have a man who hung out in a neighbor's house naked - and a dude who dresses like an old lady to do some groping. Sometimes pervyness and desperation are all the things you've got and just when you think you're all by yourself, you're not.

We're grateful to have Comedian Graham Kay to decide on this week's "FT of the week"!

Plus: Zombie ranty casting notices... More details here

Jenny Enjoys Her Blue Kneepads

2012-09-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

The other night, I was reading an amateur erotic story.

It contained the line: "She tried to unlock the handcuffs but to no anvil."

It's difficult to get aroused when you've begun picturing the Road Runner...

--

The following porn clip titles here (submitted by the site's users), are similarly distracting:

That does sound refreshing.

What a considerate ass!

Arm slut...

Hey, there's slut shaming - and then there's just ridiculous.

Pretty pointless if we're not apprised of what these expectations were...

This is more of a fashion tip than anything

Red?! RED?! You fucking ruined it for me, you dipshit. --

---

Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please consider:

Reading the related post: Run for Your Genitals!

And:

Subscribing	You can subscribe via email below or, if you prefer to use a reader, just click here. Enter your email address:
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Thanks again!

A Randy Unicorn Discovers Sad Keanu in a Bathhouse

2012-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've had some fun with the Random Logline Generator in the past (here and here). To recap, the site give you randomly generated film plots.

Let's give it another whirl:

A single mom invade(s) Poland shown in spectacular 3-D IMAX

Assuming "single mom" means MILF and Poland is a hot Euro porn star - I smell a hit!

The ultimate crime-fighting indestructible cyborg tries to lose their virginity in this heartwarming animated adventure.

I read the word "vainly" into this. I may be somewhat jaded by my attempts to lose my virginity from 18 to 23. I also remember watching an episode of Maury or something around that time where a gal with no lower body came on the show - with her boyfriend. Similarly, I have a feeling the cyborg had far better luck with his goal than me.

The ultimate crime-fighting indestructible cyborg discovers the wonders of self-pleasure with a wise-cracking robot.

I can't think of anything I could come to less than someone (or thing) wise-cracking.

A group of cantankerous senior citizens discovers the wonders of self-pleasure in a beat-up Buick.

Wait... now I can.

A burned-out hippie become(s) a pimp set against the backdrop of a Florida retirement community.

I was also going to ask "who's the fucking audience for this?!" - but, I'm ashamed to admit, I'm getting pretty spent from the masturbation.

A mentally handicapped boy discover(s) the wonders of self-pleasure with the help of former tennis great Ivan Lendl (based on a true story).

Fuck again? I don't think I have it in me to... Oh wait. Yes, I do.
Fap fap fap

A group of cantankerous senior citizens exorcise(s) demons back to Hell in two hours of the raunchiest hardcore porno action you've ever seen.

OK...The battery just died on this thing.

--

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Gropey Listening

2012-07-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Computer... Crash... Can't... Type... Send Help...

While I sort things out, please listen to one of my new favorite episode of our podcast, "The S&M Rants":

Episode 61 - My Coffee Made Me Gropey and Other Tales of Woe

Episode Description

Caffeine can sure make a person hyper – but did you know it can also make you a sex offender? And did you realize that work stress can influence you steal a slew of bizarre, unrelated items?

We learn so much doing this show!
Fortunately, we get some great help from Comedian Comedian - Tom Simmons, this episode's Guest Judge, who determines our "Fucktard of the Week"!

Plus: Dating, Fucktard-Style.

More details here

Seven: An XXX Parody

2012-07-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

You know how they say that one letter to a brand/politician is indicative of thousands of people who feel the same way but just haven't written the letter? Well, here we have a porn parody (my least favorite genre), of a film that seemed only to be erotic to a crazed gunman. But this man's desire's must be indicative of an entire subculture, thought porn producers! And so we have:

Taxi Driver: An XXX Parody

And so, the same vein, I would like to suggest the following titles:

In the Presence of Mine Enemas

Looking for Mr. Goodcock

Don't Look Now (my dick is out)

Schindler's Fist

---

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Thanks again!

Got my Memoir Right Here - I'll Just Remove the Fridge Magnets

2012-07-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have high hopes for these projects!

Right on track there, Buddy!

Ooooh, the best artists are batshit! Let's save ourselves the hassle of auditioning borderline stable performers and just target the loons! After all, the best type of person to have on a set is someone who's unstable and flies off the rails at the drop of a hat!

Shit - is this only 3-4 minutes?! It sounds fucking riveting!
Well, maybe it's just the short they make as a prelude to a feature.

"I have great social skills which shows in my writing"

... I have great breasts which shows in my intellect.

"I only have 14 pages done."

That sounds like more than enough.
For a hardcover book.

"It mainly about my life full of mental abuse"

"An uplifting read."
- The New York Times

"I only tried to take my life once while reading it."
- The Chicago Tribune.

---
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Thanks again!

The Clients From Hell Vid

2012-06-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

Clients from Hell (ClientsFromHell.net) is a hilarious (and, for many, painfully relateable) blog.

They just made a funny video and I'm thrilled to have acted in it! (I'm in the second scene:)

Thanks to Bryce Bladon and all involved!

(Full cast & crew info can be found here)

Run for Your Genitals!

2012-06-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

One of my "go to" porn sites is merely a collection of clips that people just take from various sites and post (because they care!)

Of course, they don't tend to name the clip by the film title... Generally, they write a few words about the content, in their own words. Sometimes, that really does result in some words unique to them... Or in terms that take the sexy right out of the whole thing.

For instance:

Because you're 10.

It's very difficult to read this and not imagine some medieval clam battle...

Try not to get concerned about this premise:

That sounds fucking painful.

Kind of seems like an insult. "Candi got right dicked up this morning!"

The next ones just makes no sense at all:

1) Doubtful.
2) How does that help the video's viewer any?

Is this a charity? How do you win the race?

I'm trying desperately not to envision an anus-version of Capture the Flag...

Fuck... Too late.

---
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Thanks again!

My Fantasy is Your Wish

2012-06-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Let's continue with the Craigslist ranting - under the guise that I'm providing some sort of service to the posters...

Sure, I know what he probably means... But if a guy could give me an orgasm while I'm performing oral, that would be extra impressive.

Just wondering what part of my fantasy involves my having large nipples...

You know when I'd feel safest around someone who identifies as a "thug"? When I don't know them, even what they look like, I'm in their space - and I'm naked.

---
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Rerun: I Love the Smell of Craigslist. It Smells Like... FAIL.

2012-05-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

Got caught up in non-blog stuff. Back next week. Meanwhile please enjoy this post from September 2009.

--
Here's a new game - it's called "Spot the Inevitable FAIL".

Some examples:

I just wish I was there to see this train wreck progress.

I think the "something" he's going to "make happen" is suck.

--

The beauty of certain "creative people" is that the ones who have ideas not remotely worth stealing are usually the ones most paranoid about releasing their work and ideas.

Sadly, they also think that others who might want to be involved in projects really don't need to know any details before committing time to interviews/auditions etc.

Like this posting asking for actors:

Hey, awesome! Where do I sign up?! I mean, I can't wait to show up and find out if your script involves a no-budget film about aliens, vampires, zombies, the apocalypse or the struggles of a self-absorbed artist in the big city or a contemplative look at a relationship, based entirely on a relationship you once had, with nary a detail omitted.

--

This ad is bound to be legit:

We "record in my family home" - Congratulations, you've managed to make me queasy from the get-go. "Daddy, why is there a naked man in our kitchen?" "Go back to bed, Carly, Daddy's making a mo-vie."

I like that there's an essay part of the equation with the important questions: "What positions do you like to do a girl?" and "Have you done anything with the opposite sex that we should know about" and that the initial interview involves a jack-off of at least 10 minutes. Of course, these exist to see if the applicant is qualified for the position, not merely for the enjoyment of the "producer"...

Again, I'd do anything to get ahold of the answers to those questions.

--

And, finally, we have this ad:

Hold up. You want someone to do your laundry, housework etc. as well as service you sexually. Basically fulfill your every need and wait on you hand and foot.

And they pay you.

Can I stage an intervention with you and this guy? Better yet, would you please both enroll in a basic economics course - like the one they teach in 10th grade?!

Please feel free to comment with links to other "this can't go right" ads.

I'm Tempted. But I Have a Standing 3 o'clock with a Monkey

2012-05-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever (this surprises me too), I checked out the mm2w section of Craigslist (Two men looking for a woman for play - i.e. a threesome). And I was floored.

Because 85% of the ads were completely articulate and - generally - even hot... I don't know why or how this is possible - maybe it's that, to get this party started, there needs to be some organization and so impulse ads like, "Just woke up, my cock's ready r u?" aren't really an option...

Or maybe it's because, if there are 2 guys on board, the more together one cleanses the ad of the penis pics and extra consonants...

Do let me know your theories, please.

And, now, back to the regular m2w ads - and their utter ridiculousness.

Because abstinence keeps people normal...

Well, that's not very nice.

Wait, did you say you had lube. Nevermind, I'm already there!

--

You want even more tempting? You got it:

You sound sweet.

Nothing pathetic (or white trash) about this! Sleep with some dude and you'll get some flowers. Of course, you have to tell him how many and I imagine he can veto that:

"6 flowers, Babe? Really? Hon... last time was only really worth 4, so I'm going to have to deduct a few from this round."

I'm also trying to envision something less romantic than this proposition... and the only thing I could come up with is if the foreplay involved giving a rim-job to a monkey.

Actually, I'm thinking that would be preferable.

---
Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please consider:

Subscribing	You can subscribe via email below or, if you prefer to use a reader, just click here. Enter your email address:
Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out. (I recommend you start with Episode 25 or higher and then go back to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.) Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Where to find me on Social Media:	Follow me on Twitter @monicahamburg Follow the podcast on Facebook and Twitter: Your Dose of Lunacy is also on Facebook - for more lunacy, please "like" the Facebook page:
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Thanks again!

Yearning Scribe Seeks Delusional Thespian for Pointless Collaboration

2012-05-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

Craigslist Casanovas have been fun, no? But, as we've learned before (many times) casting notices can be as infuriating as the "sexy" ones.

Here's my favorite this week:

I'm not going to address just how much of a pointless endeavor this gals' experiment will be - only because there is so much other fucktardery to focus on!

"I'm in a serious monogamous relationship"

Oh! That's a relief! I feel that people who are either single, or in an open-relationship just make shitty directors.

"I'm pretty good at dialogue and writing, which I mostly attribute to the fact that I did a lot of professional theatre as a child and in my teens"

I'm a good lawyer, which I mostly credit to the fact that as a child and into my teens, I thought I was a vampire.

"a brief paragraph about yourself and what characters you enjoy being"

My name is Monica. I spend way too much time contemplating Fucktards and thinking about sex. If I were a bird, I would be a Kagu. If I had a farm, I would raise pigs. If I had another arm... I would be concerned. Sometimes I wonder about life. Sometimes I eat spicy foods. Sometimes I have theories about herring.

I enjoy being many characters. My preference would be playing a tortured psychic on the run from the mob. But I would also be pleased to have the role of a bitter unemployed chef who, though a number of funny circumstances, is forced to become a social worker for wayward youth. I see a scene in that one where I nurse a Kangaroo. That would be great - but is not a deal-breaker.

---
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Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
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Thanks again!

Treat Me Like a Breakfast Smoothie

2012-05-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Titles of Craigslists posts are occasionally enigmas...

See, a few guys understand that they have to stand out from the myriad of ads that go something like this:

"Horny and bored! Want to give me a BJ?!"

"Married and I have a huge cock! Sit on it. No questions asked."

So they try to come up with some original phrasings.

Like:

I think it's 10pm! Are we a match?!

Here are a few others that really miss the mark:

I'm really trying to picture this. I see gams on toasts.

Look, if you're already sarcastic about it, I'm really not going to make the effort.

Phew! That rules that out.

I got the worst image (and stomach cramps) when I saw this. Turns out the guy wants to run with someone and then eat them out. The title was probably a good tactic, because his actual offer now sounds far less nauseating than it should...

Stop. Reading. My. Mail!

---
More Craigslist fail on these posts:

"I love the smell of craigslist - it smells like fail"
"That's the way you do it. Money for massages and sex for free..."
and at this tag

---
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Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out. (I recommend you start with Episode 25 or higher and then go back to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.) Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
Promoting	As always, I could use your help promoting this blog - so if you like this post, please "like" it, "+1" it re: Google+ (buttons below) or send it to a friend (or publicize in any other way you like! :)

Thanks again!

Ogre Queen: Even YOU Will Do! Sexy Lady

2012-04-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Back to Craigslist's sexy "Casual Encounters" section for some entertainment.

Worst salad ever!

That's really not for me, is it?

So you can't just fuck this guy. You have to inspire him. That seems like an unnecessary amount of work just to get laid.

For those of you who don't live around here, let's just Google Streetview this sucker so you have an idea of the hotness that abounds.

Still, markedly more alluring than this ad:

I would feel sooooo desirable!

I like this next one for the sheer lack of effort:

You can't spell either of those words?!
No sex for you!

“I can last very long”. Really?! How can you be sure of that?

You do know your hand feels different than a vagina. No... of course you don’t.

---
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Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
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Thanks again!

My Vigina Hurts from Last Night's ProBone Session

2012-04-16T07:00:00.011-07:00

Ah, it's spring! It's bright and sunny outside.
Seems like a good time for my internet bitch-slap.

This is also known as "what search terms lead people to my blog" (See slaps from 2011 and 2009.)

liquid virgin

A new superhero!

am dying from your hawtness

That is tragic. But I really don't mind.

best probone porn

Is there any sites against boners in porn?

--

It's also a good way to learn about very specific fetishes:

doctors in pyjamas

blowjob from mom.com

fuck roller skates

--

And discover some mysteries:

does touching your shit

Well, finish the question! It's a public service!

google boobs we know what you are searching for

I’m glad somebody does. I was fucking LOST.

i think you got raped

I have to break it to you gently. Maybe Yahoo Answers will help.

have problems with my vigina

I can see why.

i'm not a cuddle but i'll hold you tight while i fuck you t-shirt

You are just the sweetest!

---

---
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Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out. (I recommend you start with Episode 25 or higher and then go back to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.) Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
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Thanks again!

Rerun: Might I Suggest the Patek Philippe Puppy Pendant Watch?

2012-04-09T07:00:00.002-07:00

Happy Easter. Or solemn Easter. Whatever you prefer.

Enjoy this post from November 2010.
--
Yes. I have been spending too much time on Etsy lately. And, yet, I still feel superior to those who would purchase any of these items...

To begin: What season is it, kids?

Why it's the season for accessorizing in full cat!

No longer must you try to mix and match your cat bracelet with a ferret cameo for fear of being too "matchy-matchy"! It's all cat this year!

Try:

This cat muzzle imprint necklace:

"Capture that sweet little muzzle of your beloved pet friend! What a special keepsake!...What a special gift to give or keep for yourself! "

What a special way to show you're special!

--

"Get ready for compliments when you wear this"

...or terror... you know, same diff.

Really, what environment would you have to exist in for your social circle to include people who would be impressed by this...

--

I'm having some difficulty determining the wackiest part of this Cat in a Wig Hat.

I'll focus just on the description for now...

"The polyester hair is attached underneath the hat, giving the illusion of a nice, modern haircut."

Indeed! I just saw it in the latest Dolce&Gabbana Lookbook!

"Also suitable for any other small pet (just specify it at checkout in "Message to buyer")."

Hamster.

"Don't use the camera flash when taking frontal pictures of the pet."

Oh, Brain, please don't let me imagine the opposite of this... Oh, fuck, Brain, I hate you.

"Don’t force the cat if he/she really does not want to “dress up”.

Yes, because generally the dressing up is the cat's idea.

--

There. is. No. God.

--

And, finally, a gift for your cat:

What fun! Imagine your cat as a serial killer!

You know what provoked him?

..the "frontal" flash-camera shot.

Live with that, Motherfucker.

---

---
Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please consider:

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Following on Facebook	Your Dose of Lunacy is also on Facebook - for more lunacy, please "like" the Facebook page:
Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out. (I recommend you start with Episode 20 or higher and then go back to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.) Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
Promoting	As always, I could use your help promoting this blog - so if you like this post, please "like" it, "+1" it re: Google+ (buttons below) or send it to a friend (or publicize in any other way you like! :)

Thanks again!

It's Gift Time and I'm Right Out of Tissues!

2012-04-02T07:00:00.006-07:00

I don't want this blog to gather dust, so I've found some more Fiverr bizarreness for you:

"I will send you a ghost lollipop for $5"

Hmmmm... what's this about...?

"A super cute lollipop covered with a tissue, tied with a bow, looking like a ghost! A perfect idea for any gift, espically for Halloween! Enjoy!"

Wrap something in a tissue. This is fucking hard to do! Thank goodness I can pay someone for the service!

--
Now, are you high? No? Well then these next 3 offers will do nothing for you:

Talking Chin Man
Talking Breasts
Psycho Ad

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"I will record a dirty message, as an old man, for people calling your voice mail for $5"

Description:
"I will call your voice mail and record a dirty message so that when friends call and you don't pick an old man will answer then explain how he is getting it on with you."

Yes, a dirty old man on message telling people how we're fucking. That will make me appear super-desirable and will surely impress any business contacts!

"I will turn you into a perv for $5"

Don't need the help, Thanks.

Rerun: Oh, the Possibilities!

2012-03-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit busy working on the podcast and get back into doing voice-overs, so please enjoy this post from November of last year:

--
When we last left off, random people thought they should do porn, and Fucktards were trying to see women naked by posting special "jobs".

This week...
OK, it's pretty similar.

Before I go on, I should clarify something. For those of you who think I scour an erotic section to bring you these ads: I'm certainly not above that, but that's simply not the case.

See run-of-the-mill pervs, wanna-be-pornographers and semi-professional pornographers have decided to jizz all over the "talent" section and post their "act in adult film" ads as they seem to think the transition from general actress to pornographic actress is a lateral one. ("Why, yes, I studied at Julliard, but once I auditioned for my 5th bikini commercial and Prostitute #6 part, I figured, what's the diff." Actually, I'm starting to see the pornographer's point.... Hey... Maybe the whole film industry is just a ruse, to move actors gradually into the porn industry... )

Enjoy:

Really? Really? They care if you have an education or can speak lines? Why? I mean, I know pornography is competitive but I'd hate to think people are going back to get their Masters to increase their chances in porn...

Extra work. Or porn work. The former you get fucked. The later...
OK, again, lateral.

I posted this here, not because the concept is preposterous (Well, it might be, but I had heard of it before). No, it's because I didn't understand what was required until about three quarters of the way through. And the image of "bikini cleaning" that also required a feather duster made me more nauseous than I have been in a while.

Of course I'll help you market! You people are innovators! The market is flooded with experienced performers and scenes where you see their faces when they're fucking! But you're taking a whole new approach! So brave and groundbreaking, I say! I got your marketing plan right here!

---
Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please consider:

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Following on Facebook	Your Dose of Lunacy is also on Facebook - for more lunacy, please "like" the Facebook page:
Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out. (I recommend you start with Episode 20 or higher and then go back to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.) Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
Promoting	As always, I could use your help promoting this blog - so if you like this post, please "like" it, "+1" it re: Google+ (buttons below) or send it to a friend (or publicize in any other way you like! :)

Thanks again!