For the most part, I consider myself a fairly even-tempered person.  Unless it involves my family, very few people and very few things can genuinely bother me.  That is why it surprises those around me how genuinely upset I get when I hear the bitter and self-serving ramblings of Michael Baisden while flipping through the radio channels during my evening commute.

For those of you unfamiliar with him, Michael Baisden is a nationally syndicated radio show host who broadcasts a daily talk show about issues relevant to the African American community.  While the topics range, he typically focuses on issues of love, marriage and fidelity.  Now, I know what you may be thinking, Why do you listen?  Fair enough. Initially, I was a listener.  In fact, I admired the expansive national audience and opportunity it offered people to discuss issues relevant to the black community.  I thought, what a rewarding position to be in?  Baisden had the opportunity to be a neutral arbiter to a nationwide town hall meeting every afternoon.  This admiration soon dissipated after I began to realize that the vehicle was more of a venue to push his own beliefs and agenda on an unwitting audience.  While I give him credit for powerful topics like issues of domestic violence, sexual abuse and his new mentoring initiative, his past topics have also included, “Why do black women have such a hard time finding a man?” and most recently, “Are married women secretly jealous of their single, childless friends?”  The latter is what greeted me on a recent evening commute.

“Are married woman secretly jealous of their single, childless friends?” 

Now, in the legal world, we call this sort of question a leading question.  It is when the question is suggestive of the answer.  If a lawyer were to ask such a question, she wants the jury to think, “married women ARE secretly jealous of their single, childless friends” and she wants her witness to say “Why, yes” even if the thought had never entered the witnesses’ mind.  That is why leading questionings are not allowed on direct examination (when the lawyer questions her own witness).  It would be entirely too easy for a lawyer to get her witness to say exactly what she wanted her to say by simply asking suggestive questions. Well, after the topic was announced, short sound bites of listeners’ phone calls were played. In short, they were all variations of single childless women berating the decision to become committed and/or have children… something about freedom and independence.  Thereafter, Michael Baisden fueled the fire by pitting those who are married with children against those who are neither. 

“Married women with kids are trapped and unhappy,” one side yelled.  “Single women are bitter and lonely,” yelled the other.

It all culminated in him promoting open marriages and spewing his concept of a marriage expiration date, which allows people to “opt out” of the marriage on a given date if they are no longer happy.  I should note, Michael Baisden is divorced and has acknowledged that fidelity was an issue in his relationship.

Objection.  Michael Baisden is leading, your honor.

Overruled, Counselor.  Turn the channel.

Is this healthy debate or just good old fashion divisiveness?  Most likely fueling the Michael Baisden audience are the recent raging statistics about black women and marriage.  Brian Alexander, MSNBC contributor, wrote an article in April 2009, discussing how Michelle Obama may be an archetypal African American female success story because she has a successful career, strong marriage and happy children.   According to the article, 38% of highly-educated black women between the ages of 20-45 have never been married.  The statistics are less daunting for black men because they are more likely to marry outside of their race.  A similar CNN article titled, “Black and single: Is marriage really for white people?” found that 45% of all black women have never been married compared with 23% of white women.  Likewise, I had lunch a few weeks ago with some co-workers and one of them mentioned a statistic that women lose 90% of their eggs by the age of 30.  This statistic comes from a study from Edinburgh University in Scotland that found women do in fact lose 90% of their eggs by the time they are 30 years old and only have about 3% remaining by the time they turn 40 years old.  The childless, unmarried women at the table looked mortified and I, 28 years old and five months pregnant, felt very uncomfortable with nothing to say but some nonsensical talk about feeling fat.  All of these scare statistics have just widened the divide.

Now, I am no card-carrying, club-organizing, spinster-picketing, proponent of marriage and babies.  I met my spouse in law school where I was looking for an education not love.  It all happened organically and our marriage and the children that followed were choices that made sense for us.  I have one fabulous friend that has spent her entire late twenties exploring the continent of Africa and pursuing advanced degrees in International Studies.  She is clear that marriage and/or children are not for her until she is at least in her forties.  She is gorgeous and happy and it is clear to me that she will have no problem having either one if and when she decides it is time.  I just do not understand why the issue has pitted one side against the other.  I do not understand why married people with children must be miserable for single, childless people to be happy and why single people must be lonely and unhappy for married people to find joy.  Life is incredibly personal.  There is no collective happiness.  Either you are happy or you are not and only you know which components you need to change in order to find your “happy”.    In the slightly altered words of one of my favorite, single rockers, I have one question for you, Mr. Baisden, “if it makes you happy, why the hell are you so mad?”

© Tiara for Moms of Hue, 2010. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: relationships, self-image, sisterhood

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I know so because rain drops have been replaced, if only temporarily, with sunshine, and my purse is now stocked with Benadryl.  Although Spring doesn’t officially arrive for another couple of days, the sweet smells of colorful flowers and bright green grass and full trees are doing a number on my nose and eyes.  Luckily, my daughter isn’t bothered with alergies so she is free to enjoy nature, while her mother works at trying not to puff up like a blow fish and scare the innocent park dwellers.  But even with the tears and the itchiness, Spring is still an enjoyable time of the year because, with it comes a kind of renewal.  A renewal of life.  Like the buds on bushes, and the new leaves amongst the trees, I want to blossom this season – in love, in spirit, in purpose.

What do you enjoy most about Spring time?

© bhenry for Moms of Hue, 2010. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Today is we celebrate St. Patrick who drove the snakes out of Ireland. This is of particular importance to my daughter who is Irish-American of the Black kind. She is literally Black-Irish. Yes it is witty and funny but also very real.

It may seem that I am a bit obsessed with race and truly I am, but not because I dislike any group of people, but because I love them all, two in particular, African-Americans and Irish. I fell forced to deal with the subject for the sake of both my children, but especially for oldest beauty, Alana. She has a mixed bag so to speak and I want her to deal with it effectively without prejudice (especially against herself) and with love. Beautiful, intelligent and friendly I really desire for her to be able to be who she wants to be without negativity from other who don’t understand or agree with her perception of self.

I don’t have any answers, except love. There are so many potential pits and I worry.  Deep in my heart I know that love will make a way for her to be a healthy, whole, satient being. Love is the answer to all the unasked questions.

© adiaha for Moms of Hue, 2010. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Black Irish, Parental Worry, St. Patricks Day

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Welcome and of course welcome back to those of you who stopped in last week for our discussion on Friendship. This week we’re talking about young people, y’know “kids nowadays”. You hear it often and perhaps say it sometimes yourselves, “What is it with our young people?” I’m going to share some of my theories and that of other wonderful respected parents as we try to uncover the mystery behind the minds of our youth.

To preface, I’d like to say that I am a fan and staunch proponent of and for young people. I like to think of myself a devout guide, exceptional listener and all around pretty awesome parent. And, until such time that I am committed or my children publish works to the contrary, I’d like you to think of me this way as well. Winks.

One of the biggest “issues” discussed amongst Facebook contributors and my small committee of friends was entitlement. Today’s children-it is believed, feel more entitled than perhaps we did, or our parents for that matter. I don’t disagree, but I think it is important that we reveal and own, if applicable the source of said entitlement: American history.

Parent of 3, Mequet Hribar stated, “I have in no way taught my kids to feel entitled to the latest and greatest cell phone, car, clothes, shoes, bag, [etc]… But so many of their peers, especially at Bethany’s age [11], have all of that…” This is true. Consumerism has rendered most households dual income, which has many parents feeling like what was formerly known as “weekend dads”. They are compensating and over-compensating for their absence with expensive gadgets under the guise of keeping in touch; remote parenting, if you will. The latchkey kid, is now the cell-phone, iPhone [insert latest greatest phone here] until the next big promotion, pay raise, technological advancement comes and stuff clinches the lead, whilst family values, quality time and simple, sustainable living struggle for position.

Amy Bradstreet, unschooler, and mother of two added to the discussion in a similar vein of defense, “Jeers to the folks that forget how obnoxious we all were, every generation is. And if kids have a sense of entitlement, it’s entirely in the parents’ laps. (Wait, I couldn’t mean those same parents who bought more house than they could afford, gas guzzling cars, three car garages, 4,000 sq ft houses, the two-income parents who work for STUFF, etc–I couldn’t mean those parents? Yes. Those parents.)

Reading Amy’s comment, I couldn’t help but remember the entitlement of young people who rallied for civil rights, who rallied for and against major government upheaval; those obnoxious, entitled young people who went on to become the fodder of our now obnoxious young people’s history texts.

Nancy Ortiz McLemore, also a parent of two stated she was, “…impressed by their ability to absorb so much information. I think kids are more advanced now because of the information highway and the use of computers in schools. I see much advancement coming soon as the future generations flourish…” The world is a much smaller, more accessible place than it was when we were growing up. Our children have access to more information and are using it in ways we never would have imagined. Do you remember George Orwell’s 1984? Well, hello it’s 2010!

Aldous Huxley wrote, “The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.” In the same way we rebelled and revolutionized in our dungarees and afros, with our sit-ins, rallies and riots, the way Einstein and Franklin and Newton piddled with numbers and theories and string, our young people are making their mark in history; much of it will be monumental, and some of it not so much. Given what we’ve left them to work with “global warming, climate crisis, food/water shortages”, says Amy Bradstreet. I’d say we’ve left them in a position more comparable and warranting of survivalist mentality than that of entitlement.

In closing, I’ll say, I like to think of life in terms of everyday people coping with the world nowadays, instead of the world coping with young people nowadays. These children in all of their infinite splendor didn’t land here, they are yours and mine and ours. Oh wait, perhaps we were feeling entitled to an easier run at this thing called life? What say you?

© T. Allen-Mercado for Moms of Hue, 2010. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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I know what you’re thinking, a long bubble bath, good book, and a glass of Chardonnay, those are the keys to becoming a happier parent. While those things may work as a short term solution, there are actually less intoxicating ways to happier parenting.

According to Christine Carter, executive director of Greater Good Science Center at the University of California-Berkley there are two questions you should ask your self about your life as a parent.

1. When are you the happiest with your kids?
2. What part of the normal day with you family routinely causes suffering?

As I read the article on USNews.com, it got me thinking, I could easily tell you all the problems with our family routine, but the good times, well those were a little harder to recognize. So I’ve spent the last week observing how we handle things in our household, the hectic mornings, the stressful evenings and realized its time for change.

Our morning routine is in dire need of help, from scrambling to get the kids up, getting dressed and doing my daughters hair. I often leave the house stressed, frazzled and frustrated and I haven’t even gotten to work yet. So for the next few weeks I’ll be working on our morning routine searching for peaceful bliss or something close to it.

If that doesn’t work maybe I’ll just buy this Happy Mom t-shirt form Peace Love Mom.

How comfortable and relaxing is your morning routine? Do you see where you can make improvements?

Article Source: Two Simple Ways to Be a Happier Parent

© selie for Moms of Hue, 2010. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
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I was introduced to Ana Gazawi (aka Quiskaeya) by former Moms of Hue author, Onica, and we quickly hit it off. She and I have a lot in common- parenting multiracial children, crocheting, writing, and more. Having recently found herself being hurdled in the “jobless” sector, she decided that this was the push she need to make become a bona fided work at home mom. She forewent the need to look for another job and instead dove head first into making working at home a reality.

She writes, blogs and is aspiring to be an entrepreneur of an online boutique of handmade fabric embellishments. You can find her rambling about the daily, quirky, cute things her 2 boys do at www.quiskaeya.com. In addition, to her dictations about family life, she also shares about her passion for Green Living,  anthropology, and her efforts to develop strong multicultural/multiracial identity in her children. In the summer of 2009 she was chosen to attend the Disney’s African American Mom Blogger Mixer. Ana also holds a bachelors degree in the Business field and Public Relations.

Learn more about Ana from our interview below.

Moms of Hue (MOH): What keeps you motivated?

Ana: First and foremost it’s my faith and spiritual belief that keep me motivated. These two things alone keep me grounded. Secondly, my children are the center of my world and everyday I am grateful for another chance to be their mother. They are my ultimate inspiration.

My kids and my husband are my biggest supporters. They have so much faith in my ability to accomplish my dreams. I am inspired by their support.

Ana: Organization isn’t one of my strongest qualities. I’m a procrastinator and I know this full well. I attribute motherhood as the reason I am getting better at organization. I realize there are two little people that desperately need me to set up some sort of structure in their lives so they can thrive. My organization has a reciprocal effect on lives of my children.

Prioritization is key for me in getting organized. Everyday I know there will be more things to accomplish than the amount of hours in the day. I commit to completing a certain amount of tasks. As long as I know that I have given it my very best shot, then there is nothing else I can do. I love the fact that every morning I wake to a new day that gives me a fresh start. Each day I resolve to be better and more organized than the day before. Sometimes it happens, a lot of time it doesn’t. Ultimately it’s about the journey and how I handle the challenges along the way, therefore, I take each experience with it’s growing pains knowing it’s making me a better person.

Ana: My greatest piece of advice for other moms of hue is to always stay true to themselves and what values they hold dear. Surround yourself with a community of people who have an unwavering support for your family’s well-being. Be ready to be a support to other mothers that might be struggling in motherhood. When we empower each other with encouragement then unwavering support, then we are better equipped raise our children with a positive view of the world.

© kbrooke for Moms of Hue, 2010. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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As millions and millions of America’s prepare their income tax returns, tons of identity theft criminals are also getting busy looking for loopholes and carelessness so that they can gain information that helps them steal an unsuspecting victims identity. It’s important to protect yourself, especially at this time of year.

Check out the below tips to keep your important information safe. These tips (see below) are from Thomas Oscherwitz, chief privacy officer for ID Analytics, Inc. and former U.S. Senate Legislative expert on identity fraud, offering the following precautions to safeguard their identity and assets this tax season.

1. Monitor your mailbox. Keep a lookout for official tax forms, like 1099’s and W-2’s. Missing or lost documents could be a sign of identity theft and should be investigated immediately.

2. Protect your sensitive tax documents. During tax time, many of the forms consumers handle have sensitive information of immense value to identity thieves. Keep your tax documents in a safe, secure place that is out of public view.

3. Beware of scams. Tax time is a prime time for fraudsters to target consumers with phony emails asking for their personal information. Remember that the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) does not initiate communication with taxpayers through email.

4. Track IRS communications carefully. If you receive an unusual notification from the IRS, such as a report of wages from an employer you do not know, be alert to possible identity theft.

5. Review your personal information for misuse. For the 97.5 million Americans expected to file electronically this year, take a few minutes to visit www.MyIDScore.com while online to check your risk of identity theft. MyIDScore.com is a free online service that gives consumers immediate insight into whether their personal identifiable information is being used fraudulently to obtain assets, goods or services.

6. Examine your credit report. Tax season is also a good time to get your free annual credit report from www.annualcreditreport.com. The report is provided by the three national credit bureaus and you can request your report from each bureau once a year.

7. Check your annual income statement from the Social Security Administration. A fraudster can steal your SSN and use it to get a job. The fraudster’s employer would then report the fraudster’s wages under your SSN to the IRS. Check for any discrepancies between the income reported and the wages you received. In addition, be aware that the IRS may then think you have not reported all of your income on your tax return.

8. Pay attention to duplicate returns. If someone steals your identity, they could file a tax return first using your SSN. Then when you file your return, the IRS will think you have already received a refund or that or you have filed a second copy or duplicate return. This confusion will cause delays in receiving your refund.

9. Contact the IRS if you are victim. The IRS now has a toll-free number to assist identity theft victims. They will mark affected accounts to resolve identity theft issues more quickly. The phone number for the IRS Identity Protection Specialized Unit is 1(800) 908-4490.

10. Prepare for next year. Begin planning ahead for 2011 by creating a file to organize receipts, official forms and documents on an ongoing basis for peace-of-mind and easy access to reference your important information in the future.

© kcain for Moms of Hue, 2010. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: identity theft, tax tips

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