You can see it anywhere around you. At work there are the gossiping, giggling co-workers or the bully who’s somehow become your boss, in your personal life there’s the person who’s mad at you and you don’t know why, the one who runs over to hit you (figuratively of course) then runs away, there’s the party where everyone’s invited except you, there’s pressure from family and friends to do what they think is best and so on and so forth.

But, the example that I think suites this notion best is the dating game, where no matter our age or level of maturity, we all turn into sniveling, insecure, paranoid teenagers. It’s funny really, if it wasn’t so very very sad at the same time. And the worse part is that all these aspects get almost worse as we get older because we are less honest about feeling them and blind to the effects that they inevitably have on the ways we react. In my experience, if you’re not careful, they can do a very good job of sabotaging something you innocently think is under your control and progressing smoothly.

So when a member of the opposite sex tells you that they like you, or does their best to show it in other less obvious ways, take a step outside of the defensive walls and inhale the simple breath of fresh air, cause guess what, being honest and open is an amazingly effective strategy in and of itself and although it might not seem so, the rules of your old high school halls only have as much power as you give them.

Be brave and stop playing.

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There is no question that making massive life changes while only having your very own self to depend on is an, ummm… shall we say, challenging, experience.

But, worry not, things are all better now and I am actually hopeful that my attempts to balance between a regular life and a blog will turn out to be successful. Who knows? Maybe something even better will come out of it. Guess we’ll have to see how things go…

In the meantime, I will leave you with the following thought: We often face a need or drive in our lives to change things, believing that by doing so we will in some way manage to improve our lot. This may be true, but it is also important to recognize that the path to real change is not an easy one and there is no shame in being happy in the now. Change, for the sake of it, or the ideal of needing to always renew, needs to be tempered with the truth that there is no shame in just being, especially if that unchanging state makes you happy. Because in the end, happiness, well… that is the goal, isn’t it?

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So how do we find it?

There are all kinds of formulas in life that appear to guarantee meaning. They seem to have been built by people who have successfully trodden down these paths before. Sadly, cookie cutter solutions are rarely effective and a well-trodden path does not guarantee that you will arrive at the same place as those before you.

It is important to recognize that meaning is something extremely personal that may take a lifetime of struggle and growth to feel and achieve. However, as in all things, it is better to achieve honest results versus simplistic patches that just cover up the problems and make them difficult to see and solve. We have a tendency in life to look for the easy way out, the quick fix, the simple solution and no matter how many times we find it, it just doesn’t seem to cut it, so we keep searching, thinking that if we can just manage to find it this next time, then everything will be ok. But what really matters and what most people underestimate is the importance of the journey, the time that it takes to find the solution, the sense of meaning. Without it, the search and the goal, in themselves, lose their own inherent meaning and it all becomes pointless.

So what gives your life meaning?

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I believe that this idea needs to be challenged and transformed into something a might more inclusive and productive. After all, if one were to define life then it would be more honest to say that it is closer to the form of a circle then to that of a straight line. So what does the straight line paradigm offer, besides a dead end?

Some maintain that in order to have a sense of where you want to go then you have to have a plan on how to get there. If that is in fact true, then the true question becomes where do you want to go?

I have continuously struggled with this question throughout my life and the only clear answer I can live with is that I want to be happy. But what makes us happy? Is it my work, my home, my friends, my family? Is it a combination of all these things and if so, which element affects me more? Can one reduce all our feelings and experiences to one central element that defines us?

I used to believe that it was all about human relationships but over time there have provided me with less and less gratification and my attention turned towards my career. But, when your career is at the center of your life then you have no time for anything else and you become completely unbalanced. If work were a relationship then it would be clear that you should break things off, but the more committed you are to your work, the more you will progress forward and move on to the next stage. Mediocrity and satisfaction with your current status somehow seem to reflect weakness of character and poor skills.

But what if you want to stay in a simple place? What if that place provided you with happiness and stability? Why should it lose it’s worth just because you are no longer moving forward and why should you care if it does or doesn’t, if the ultimate point is for you to be happy?

So how does on break free and look back at all the stages to see which one suited you best? How do you take that step back from the immediacy of life while being weighed down by day-to-day survival issues?

I believe you need to change the rules of the game, to break out of the limitations that a certain stage has put on you, to allow yourself the space to decide without being weighed down by the day-to-day. This requires pausing the ego for just a moment, ignoring everyone around you and listening only to yourself.

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Suddenly, everything becomes crystal clear.

The never ending agonizing, stress and obsession is abruptly cut loose and all that remains is peace and calm, and it is from within this state of mind that we can see most clearly, unobstructed by the regular blur of thoughts and emotions.

Once our eyes reopen and see all the paths available before us, we realize that we are no longer trapped. That, in fact, we never actually were. We had trapped ourselves by blinding our eyes through past choices and tethering our bodies to what was already behind us. Only by releasing the past, recognizing its worth at the time it was the present and reorienting towards the now, can we stride forward unencumbered by what we were but rather empowered by who we are.

I am now on a new path, one that allows me to focus on the present, and it is from this place that I can begin to repair what was altered badly along the way. I have faith in myself; faith, confidence and hope. The world may be a battleground but I have built a shelter in myself and no once can tear down those walls

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Clarify your expectations

When you set out to make changes in your life, the first thing you need to clarify is why, i.e. why are you making this change, what is your goal and what are your expectations. Without any clarity on these three things you are at risk of falling into the freaky space of having no idea where you are and how you got there, which is an especially problematic state of mind when you’re trying to figure out if you’re happy and what your next move needs to be.

I’m not trying to say that the only way to advance in life is through careful planning and deliberation. There is no question that following your gut is an essential tool to ensuring that you are going in the right direction for you, however, if you are making a large change, one that will clearly affect almost every aspect of who you are, it is important to be very very clear as to what you expect to come out of it.

Of course, the goal in clarifying your expectations is not to limit the experience, but rather to give yourself a sense of purpose and direction. After all, as with anything else, it is important to be flexible, but the flexibility should be in the acceptance of the results of your choices not necessarily meeting your expectations.

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You know, I’ve worked hard in the past, but work has never dominated my life until now. I feel exhausted all the time and balance is something that is completely lacking in my life. At first I blamed myself, I was the one who had chosen this job, this home and this life. Then, I blamed my location, with it’s confusing culture, difficult life and completely new rules for a game I thought I had begun to master. But now, I am no longer sure what it is.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s part of human nature to always feel somehow dissatisfied, as if there’s something better out there, something worth aiming for that we haven’t yet discovered. Something that, if we just work hard enough, we’ll eventually get and it will make us happy.

So how do we stop searching? How do we learn to be satisfied with what we have? How do we know if we’ve made the right choices and if there even are any right choices to make?

When do we pause and realize that we’re happy right where we are?

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This cycle can be addictive

For some people, change is like a drug and the more things stay the same, the harder it is to feel satisfied with how things are. It’s like a vicious cycle. It starts when you feel a little bored with your life, you look around and wonder if this is all there is or if maybe there’s something more. You decide that you’re strong and open, that you can change things. Maybe just this or maybe just that will fix the overall feeling and if you can make it through, you can complete the change, then life will be better, you’ll feel better and then, it does, you do it! You work hard, you make the change and things get better. Of course, once they finish getting better, they also inevitably settle down and become a habit, a usual thing and you once again get bored. And so the cycle begins afresh.

The big question is, how do you draw the line and, is it even necessary?

Is personal development and growth not about change? Or is seeking constant change an avoidance of daily truths? Varying schools of thought conflict on this matter, and depending on which one you adopt as a life philosophy, can pretty much provide you with the guidance you will need. But what about those of us who trust in ourselves as guides? How can we draw an objective line when every choice we make is personal and how do we know what is the correct path, if we have no guideline of what is correct?

I believe it boils down to ones ability to truly listen to one’s self, to allow one’s inner self a voice, an expression. If you can succeed in doing so, then the answers will come through clearly. Of course, daily life is filled with so many distractions that it is almost impossible to hear yourself clearly. The only answer is to make the time, to figure out some way to silence the noise and listen hard, otherwise you get lost.

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The setting of personal boundaries is an aspect of survival in the day-to-day. A simple example would be making sure to plan a lunch for work so that you are able to nourish yourself half-way through the workday. The boundary in this case is recognizing that you are not able to continue working without eating and the survival aspect is knowing that not eating would be bad for you.

The thing is, that all those boundaries you set for yourself are totally dependent on context, as are your experiences. The minute you change the rules of the game everything changes and the results are a wholly unexpected. This, is the hidden challenge of moving to another country.

In a new country, where the local culture is completely different from the one you were raised in, your personal boundaries become completely blurred. This can result in one of two responses: defensive/offensive or adjustment. Either response puts you in a position where you can no longer trust yourself and your reactions. All the new stimuli result in new reactions and each new reaction establishes a new sense of boundaries. However, the true rebuilding of those boundaries for the new context takes time, a lot of it. And in the meantime, the damages it can cause are numerous and unforeseen. After all, if you don’t know what your personal boundaries are, how will you know when they’re close to being breached?

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Of course, at that point things get a might existential because I am essentially the adult who is holding myself where I am. So who do I fight against? What do I change and why?

It’s an odd kind of feeling, fleeting in that it doesn’t really lead to anything. It’s just a way of humoring myself and allowing myself the freedom to feel whatever passes over me, regardless of the logical applications or the perceived benefits of said feelings.

Sometimes it’s important to just be, no matter how trivial or childish it might feel.

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