It’s very exciting and a completely new experience for me. The only other REAL vacation I ever had before this–meaning a getaway that lasted longer than 3 or 4 days–was a 2 week trip out to California back when I was 25. 11 years ago!

Reading material is one of my number one packing priorities. I love reading books about spirituality. So don’t get me wrong, I’m bringing some great books, but what I will really miss reading are these incredible nonduality blogs that I’ve just recently discovered!

Oh my God. My mind has virtually exploded into a nonstop orgasm these past couple weeks just from reading them all. I would read some blogs and then discover even more blogs and then after reading THOSE blogs discover even MORE blogs. And there’s just not enough time. I’m falling in love all over the Internet, one blog after another, and it’s like a big fat orgy in my head. That’s all I’m saying.

So, I will miss you, my Internet friends.

I do plan on getting some awareness practice in as well. I’ve actually been enjoying that lately. The awareness, this I AM, it’s really becoming a priority. More and more, the only thing that matters.

To know yourself at your very core, without all the baggage and emotions and thinking. The you-ness that is simply there in the midst of all that.

Whoa!! This is the simplest thing EVER. Why is it so difficult for people to get?

So, I’m thinking that you’re supposed to focus on this “I AM” until you really connect with it. I mean, I know it’s there right now as I’m typing this entry, but the connection could be stronger. And the more strongly one connects with the “I AM” within themselves, the more they feel at one, at peace, etc.

It never occurred to me before to have this perspective, although I’ve done this before without realizing it. Observing that which is observing.

The Well of Ignorance
By Franklin Merrell-Wolff, Pathways Through to Space

I dip into the well of Ignorance and pull forth toads, slugs, and blind fish.
I offer them Light, and quickly they slither back into the slimy darkness.
I pour acid into the pool and hold tempting baits above its rim.
Goaded, they come forth and glimpse the bait.
I lead them to a cleaner pool and a darkness not quite so dense;
And then on to a greater cleanliness and a clearer Light.
In time, slowly they build the strength to endure the Light and a desire for cleaner waters.
Finally, one here and one there ventures out of the pool into the Brilliance.
It is a long and slow labor, but in the end I will win.

Looking back at the progress of my life, from being desperately empty, lost and almost always depressed to now knowing peace more easily and quickly at almost any given moment, it seems likely that “enlightenment” could occur within this lifetime. Maybe?

I am reading a new book: The Most Direct Means to Eternal Bliss.

Reading this is almost like experiencing the author grabbing your face with both hands and directing you exactly where to look. It is not wordy and complicated like A Course in Miracles. Instead, The Most Direct Means to Eternal Bliss is to the point. No games. No mumbo jumbo or extraneous esoteric jargon to learn.

It requires slow and multiple readings in order to let the material sink in. But that’s OK, it’s a very easy read. That is, if you’re open enough for it.

CHOOSING LIBERATION MEANS NOT FEARING LIBERATION

So far, this is what I’ve gotten from this book:

1) The Ego is Thought. Thought is the Ego.
2) We are being deceived by the Ego almost continuously, all day long, yet we don’t realize this.
3) The most important step toward Liberation is to awaken “the extremely intense desire for Liberation” (or ‘enlightenment’).
4) The Ego wants us to avoid Liberation, and usually does this through fear. To counter this, one must be aware of the many ways the Ego fools us into avoiding Liberation.
5) Awakening the extremely intense desire for Liberation makes the Ego less powerful.
6) Liberation is all that matters. Choose Liberation!

And that’s about it up to chapter 5…oh, except for this other little thing:

7) In order to attain Liberation, one must drop all unnecessary activities to spend more time on spiritual practice.

And then the author lists a ton of spiritual practices in later chapters.

So every day I read chapter 5, and every day I think about how great Liberation is and how I shouldn’t fear it (which I do!) or see it as some kind of brainwashing thing.

I think Gee, Liberation means Joy and Bliss and Freedom and all kinds of cool stuff that I’m not even capable of being aware of right now. I DO want Liberation.

And then sometimes I think things like:
But then what if I wanted to experience something like, say, I don’t know…the joys of motherhood, for example, because Liberation is just going to get in the way of that, right? (Or vise versa.)
What if I wanted this? What if Liberation prevents me from getting that? It might be boring. It might take me away from all the things I know and love. Etc.

So every day, at various moments when I’m feeling doubtful or annoyed or generally unhappy, I know that I am NOT choosing Liberation. And I convince myself that Liberation is a thing so awesome that I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE IT and that the only way to experience that awesomeness is to trust that, yes, it is a good thing and that, yes, I REALLY DO WANT IT.

FOCUSING ON DESIRING THE MOST AWESOME OF AWESOMENESS

The more I desire something, the more I feel like I’m becoming that which I desire. Isn’t that weird? It’s a basic law of attraction rule, I suppose. Life is supposed to work that way somehow?

I can feel my self focusing in on this desire and the flow of this ‘liberation’. I can do this quite easily now. KNOWING (believing) that liberation actually exists in the first place is key.

So when I tune into this desire for liberation, I am also turning away from the ego and can instantly feel relief from my “hot spot” issues. The issues no longer exist because my focus is on my desire for something awesome.

Keep in mind that I am not even doing any spiritual practices yet, just fine tuning my desire.

Intense desire, like that of wanting to breath while being held underwater, is probably the only step one needs to accomplish, because everything else naturally follows and takes its course. I’m pretty sure of that.

On the advice of the county health department, I went to a walk-in clinic and the doctor couldn’t find the lump. So when I said Wait, you can only feel it when I’m in this certain position, she said Ok go ahead and try to find it in that position then. And I couldn’t find it.

Boobs are very fickle. Even though I’ve owned a pair for the past 20 years (counting since puberty), I don’t completely understand them. It makes me wonder: How many people have called all sorts of cancer health agencies about something that was probably just a normal part of the anatomy? I’m guessing probably a lot.

This isn’t to say that things are perfectly normal, just that the other symptoms I have don’t warrant diagnostic measures for cancer.

So enough about my boob. I wrote my last post because I was freaked out, and also because I wanted to document everything from the beginning in case it really did turn out to be something to be concerned about.

A huge thank you to everyone who was so supportive! Really. You all are awesome!

I don’t have insurance. There is no free breast screening for people my age in this county. I’m 3 years too young.

While at work earlier today, suddenly feeling weak and unable to think or talk straight, I called several places trying to get some idea of what to do, scribbled names and phone numbers on the back of an envelope containing my paycheck, held back tears as I said I found a lump in my breast to complete strangers.

It’s not even the lump that makes me sad. It’s the feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do and not feeling taken care of.

The whole ordeal made it quite difficult to practice today’s ACIM lesson: Let me be still and listen to the truth. It’s too bad, because I think that lesson is absolutely beautiful. I’ll try again tomorrow.

It could be nothing. A cyst. Big deal. But it’s enough to make one evaluate things. And this morning I realized there are some dark clouds in my mind hovering over many aspects of my life, especially in the areas of work and friendships. And somehow these issues are exposed even more in light of this situation. (At least they’re exposed. That’s the first step. Now I know what to clean up.)

So what else should I think about this? Nothing. At least for now. I’m sick of being sad and worried already.

Visiting Sedona. A front seat ticket to Radiohead. Zumanity in Las Vegas.
Those things are all super cool and I’d still love to do them, but it just seems so trivial now to list them as if they must be accomplished. Or else what? Who cares?

Ask me what I REALLY want!

Inner Peace and Joy.
Relaxation.
Physical well-being.
Time.
Connection with people.
Peaceful and Beautiful surroundings.
Inspiration.
Contentment.
Harmony.
Knowledge and Understanding.
Light.

Does this make me seem like a boring spiritual snob? Whatever. Who am I to limit what form those things take?! I’ll take anything life has to give me.

I added a Spiritual Beings Having a Human Experience category which includes Deeper Issues, Porsidan, and Just My Thoughts. I LOVE a blog that expresses the rawness and vulnerability of the human experience, especially when authored by someone who is ’seeking’, which I think all three of these bloggers are doing in one way or another.

There is another category for Nondualism related blogs. And I’ll especially point out M.S. Ayer’s Blog whom I discovered yesterday via Life Beyond the Image. With posts titled I Am Bigger Than the Universe… what? and Screw This Mess I instantly wanted to run off with his blog and elope with it. Finally, someone else who understands the struggle of feeling pulled toward finding Truth, Light and The Answer to the Universe (to the point of feeling there’s no other choice) yet gets completely frustrated by it. Life Beyond the Image on the other hand is written by someone who has already found whatever it is we’re supposed to find in this universal mess. From his about section:

On December 1st, 2006, Takuin Minamoto exploded into a being devoid of search and searcher. This destructive event ended everything other than what was naturally present.

There are some other blogs on nondualism as well. Check them out. Or not.

The last addition to my Blogs and Links page includes a category for Social Anxiety Blogs. Having suffered from this very crappy, socially and emotionally debilitating disorder myself, I have to give props to bloggers who give other sufferers a chance to see that they are not alone in their experiences. I’ve always had intentions of blogging more about my own experiences with this disorder, and plan to do so in the future. I’ve even pondered creating an e-book on how to overcome SAD. We’ll see about the latter though.

Enjoy.