Meridian 13 News

That's not oven the half of it

Tue, 8 Dec 2009 16:43:00 -0800

Hello, dearies!

Geraldine Hairpiece here. You may have already correctly assumed that I'm a big fan of living in the age of convenience, but even I know that you can push that a little too far. Apparently some excuse for a human being has been stealing appliances from under-construction new homes in and around San Antonio, TX. I applaud the ingenuity, really, but you really ought you just buy your own microwaves. Of course, Joshua Michaud, the 32-year-old suspect, was eventually caught thanks to yet another device created to make the day to day routine easier. Homebuilder Pulte Homes placed a GPS tracker inside one of their ovens left in an house currently under construction, and sure enough, the oven was stolen. The tracking device lead the police directly to the imbecile's truck and further on to his collection of $2,000 worth of stolen appliances.

Let this be a lesson to us all that while it's fine to want you're life to be a little easier, you can't expect others to provide you with everything.

Cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Hey Everybody - it's episode 3!

Sat, 5 Dec 2009 21:36:00 -0800

It's episode 3! Yes it is. Right here....

M13N S2 E3.mp3

Ho,ho,ho

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:42:00 -0800

It's official! Santa doesn't want cookie and milk but the "Swine Flu" (N1H1 virus) vaccine. His syndicate is worried coz obesity could be a risk factor. Of course there is only one Santa but it has been established that among the other American Santa 2/3 are overweight and 1/3 is very, very, very obese! Come on Santas, keep up with the aerobics! The syndicate of the Santa is asking to be put all the Santason the priority list for the vaccine: of course, we doesn't want any kids to get sick! So Santas, I sincerely hope you get your shots and please don't forget my check this Christmas. And talking about christmas, get ready for Meridian 13 News' Christmas Episode!

Jacques Cuillère.

bwahahaha!

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:29:00 -0800

Hello Dearies,

Hope none of you are in Texas and want to get married. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T! In 2005 when an constitutional amendment was added in Texas to ban same-sex marriages and domestic partnerships, a clause is subsection B stated, "This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage." That's right. NO MARRIAGES.

Excellent job, biggots.

Drink up!
Geraldine Hairpiece

Bad Dream Ends In Horror

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:03:00 -0800

This is one of the most tragic news stories I have read in a long time. Brian Thomas, a father of two, who suffers from a chronic sleep disorder is on trial for killing his wife while on holiday in Wales.

Mr Thomas dreamt that an intruder had broken into the couple's campervan. He tried to tackle the intruder, but instead strangled his childhood sweetheart and wife of 4o years.

His distressing 999 emergency call after he had strangled her was played in court. In it he said: "What have I done? I've been trying to wake her. I think I've killed my wife. Oh my God. I thought someone had broken in."

The prosecution is asking the jury for a not guilty verdict, on the basis that Mr Thomas' sleep disorder means his behaviour was consistent with the legal definition of automatism. At the time of the killing he was asleep, and his mind had no control over what his body was doing.

Our thoughts go out to Mr Thomas and his family.

Shit happens!

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:10:00 -0800

A plant converting cow's manure (Cow's pooh or "caca de vache" as we say in France) opened a week ago in Netherlands. It will be used as fuel to power thermal plant's gas turbine and will provide heat for 1100 homes. The recipe: you just have to mix cow's shits with grass and food industry residues and you get the best fuel ever, and it smells wonderful.

I couldn't resist, here is a nice picture for you:

Netherlands doesn't have to only be famous anymore for the gouda and Amsterdam's pot and hoes! Guess what, shit really happens!

Votre Ami, Jacques Cuillère.

It's all in my book

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:22:00 -0800

Well hi there Miss Geraldine,

Doncha know, my life was goin' just super-duper until these silly old anonymous "McCain officials" came forward and said I was pullin' a Pinocchio in my new book ("Going Rogue" and hittin' shelves in bookstores nationwide this comin' Tuesday! You betcha!). All I said was that I was billed $50,000 for, you know, various, um, things by the McCain campaign before they named me as the Vice President! I'm sorry... Vice presidential nominee. Now some no name little noodle noggin punk is trying to mess up everything by declaring that what I claim is "one hundred percent untrue." Well, here's a newsflash for you, Joe Jackass, it's true that SOMEBODY billed me $50,000 and that's a big hunka change, doncha know!? Right. Anyway, I hear you give advice, so I figured I'd write you a letter. Whaddaya think I should do about this no name official, huh? I got a loaded shotgun on the back of my ATV.

Smiles and Polar Bears,
Sarah Palin

Dear Mrs. Palin,

Loaded shotgun, eh? I get the impression that you're really a woman of substance who wants nothing more than to improve this world we're in for future generations. The answer seems all too obvious to me...

cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

The Heart of Africa

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:30:00 -0800

I say! As if it's not enough to be buying up American debt, China have now offered a multi-billion dollar package of financial and technical assistance to African nations. At the Forum on China-Africa Cooperation Prime Minister Wen Jiabao has pledged $10 billion in low interest loans, double the amount at the last meeting in 2006. On top of all that, China has promised to forgive the remaining debt on certain interest-free loans granted to some African nations.

Jolly nice of them I say, since most of the West a) can't afford to help any more, and b) adds pesky conditions to loans, like asking for improvements in the way countries are governed. I mean, who wants to see democracy flourish in Africa? Not the Chinese. Much better for them to keep the nations unstable, so they can exploit the continent's mineral and oil reserves.

While you're at it China, why not pile into hundreds of starving children with tanks, in an attempt to recreate your Tiananmen Square acheivements....

Good night!

I.O.U. vandalism

Mon, 9 Nov 2009 18:53:00 -0800

So a fellow tagger in Florida ran out of spray paint the other day and didn't finish his tag. He left a note for the cops to find that said something like, "Guys, I ran out of paint. I'll save up for some more. But until then, it's supposed to be a tree...if you squint both eyes..." actually that's just speculation on my part. That's what would happen to me when I'd forget about assignments in school. "dear teacher. i ran out of time...it's supposed to be a completed essay, if you only read the first page." I think kids should tag their homework instead of printing it. If I were a teacher, I would say at the top of my worksheets "please tag illegibly". Man. I was great in art class.
Sweet.

-Jimmy

Hey Everybody! It's Season 2 Episode 2

Sat, 7 Nov 2009 11:23:00 -0800

Packed with Novembery goodness, with a Swine Flu update from Tiffany Feelings, Fat Staxx, Nelson Ramsbottom's world view, Jacques reporting from Sweden, a new correspondent AND Cynthia's own editorial! Phew....

M13N S2E2.mp3

R u up 4 2gether time?

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 11:11:00 -0800

Hello, dearies.

Geraldine Hairpiece here with a bit of advice on how to have a social life. First of all, have a social life. Know people in person. Step away from the keyboard, the cell phone, the Blackberry. Look at a person, not an avatar or what have you, in the face and say something using real words and sentences. It's the first step.

It's been argued that Americans are more isolated and less social than they used to be. It's been suggested that technologies such as cell phones and the internet. A recent study suggests that people who frequently use cellular phones and social networking websites do not prevent people from getting out and meeting new people or spending time in social settings such as cafes or parks. However, due to the distance spanning abilities of these social networking websites and the mobility provided by cellular phones, people's social circles are now just more spread out. Your friends are people who live across the city or the state or the country or the world from you, not just your neighbors. In fact, people who use social networking sites such as Facebook are thought to be 30% less likely to know their neighbors.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with not knowing your neighbors, but I'll be fucked if those "friends" over the internet will be there to pour you some scotch when you run out. Know your neighbors, dearies! They're the owners of the liquor cabinets closest to you!

cheers,
Geraldine Hairpiece

Oscar Night Hot Flashes

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 10:32:00 -0800

Good Afternoon everybody! Madame Enzo here. And I'm just going to come right out and say it. I need a cold shower. A really, long cold shower. And you want to know why? Only the two sexiest men to ever exist in showbiz are going to be hosting the 82nd Academy Awards TOGETHER in March 2010.

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.

Now I don't know what gets you kids off today, but there's nothing like the team up of a banjo playing silver haired stud and a once svelte velvet voiced gentleman with a messed up family. If it were up to me, I'd let Mr. Martin strum my strings any day and Mr. Baldwin could sweep me away into his 30 Rock dressing room for as long as he would like.

All funny business and sexual fantasies aside, the two really do make an excellent comedic match up and the telecast's producers, Adam Shankman and Bill Mechanic, are quoted as saying they think they are "perfect." And I agree.

Though I do worry about my blood pressure acting up as I watch the two men regale us with songs and stories of the years nominees and categories. Watching the Oscars this year then, can only mean three things: Lighting candles, heavy breathing, and getting tested.

16 cockroaches into your mouth

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:37:00 -0700

A pet store employee put 16 cockroaches in his month (all were at least 2 and an 1/2 inches) to try to be in the new Guiness World Record. The previous record was set to 11. The pet employee doesn't want to stop there; next year he said, he'll try for 20. After creating so many random record, it seems the Guiness World Record should rather create the record of stupidity. Do you think, the records holders are getting some $? No, nothing, just their name on a book, (♫) FAME...FAME...I WANNA LIVE FOREVER...BABY, REMEMBER MY NAME (♫).

Among the stupidest record from The Guiness book of R. : The record for most rotations while hanging from a power drill, the record for the heaviest vehicle pulled by hair (Ouch) and the record for the longest play session of Grand Theft Auto IV...

Oh,la,la!

Votre Ami, Jacques Cuillère.

Tolerance of Arabia

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:30:00 -0700

I say! Those Saudis have really stepped over the mark this time.... Perhaps not known for being the most tolerant of countries at the best of times, the authorities have now added to their global popularity by ordering a 22 year old woman to receive 60 lashes, after being charged with involvement in a television show in which a Saudi man talks about.... gasp, sex!

Now I know we Brits are viewed as the prudes of the world (why only the other day Jimmy accused me of hiding his copy of Playboy. We all know it was Geraldine who took it), but this over-reaction makes us Poms look like floozies.

The poor woman was only involved in preparing the program, and hadn't had any involvement with the episode in question. The man who talked about his active sex life was also charged, and ordered to receive 1,000 lashes.

Two points I wish to make:

1) Saudi Arabia - let it go. We all know your princes come over to London and have it away with high end prostitutes, so don't pretend you're above coitus.
2) Several of my friends would quite enjoy the punishment of being whipped. Whoever thought that would 'teach people a lesson' should take a trip to a dominatrix. Why, only the other day I had my......

Ahem.

Good night.

Fear of Flying!!!!!!

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:13:00 -0700

Just kidding. Would that not have been great tho? If I just did the same thing as the previous two? Pfhahaha. Nelson would have been pissed. Anyway, just wanted to give a shout out to Andrew Lloyd Wizzle. Prostate cancer is no fun. I know I'm a young man, but I've...let's not go into how I know. Andrew, I hope you get that taken care of and get back to work. Good thing it's in the early stages. Sounds like you're gonna be fine. Maybe it'll inspire a new show? Oh, man. I'll buy that ticket. "Prostate of Emergency" ? Anybody? Get well soon.
-Jimmy

More News about the distracted pilots on Northwest overflew their destination by 150 Miles!

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 07:46:00 -0700

As Geraldine wrote in her last blog: Two Northwest pilots neglected to make radio contact with the ground and overflew their destination by 150 miles. They discovered their mistake, turned around and landed safely. They were carrying 144 passengers. The pilots claim to have been distracted during a heated conversation about airline regulations. The National Transportation Safety Board does know if they might have been sleeping and is actually retrieving the recording conversation of the cockpit. It might be something like this:

"Hey Jack...Jack, wake up...wake up,sleepy bear!"

"Joe, let me sleep more, come on, after all that booze we drank"

"Come on, get a bloody may and let's call the stewardess again for a pre-landing goodie."

"Ok, if you are going to make it that diffi/

"Shit, Fuck, Fuck The fucking fuck!"

"What?"

"We overslept, we overflew, we're OVERFUCKED!"

Well, well...Also, last Monday, a Boeing 767 with 182 passengers landed on a taxiway instead of its runway at Atlanta's Hartsfield airport. At this rate, terrorists won't have to highjack planes anymore.

Oh,la,la!!!

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère.

Fear of Flying

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:03:00 -0700

Dear Geraldine,

I have to make a cross-country trip, but I've never been in a plane before and am a little frightened. I was wondering if you had any pointers for dealing with a fear of flying.

Nauseous in Nevada,

Nadine

Dear Nadine,

Flying is perfectly safe, dearie. I do it all the time, though I must say those little bottles of booze on flights are just that -- LITTLE! Once you've downed about seven of them though, they start to have the right effect.

If you're afraid of flying though, you definitely don't need to read the news this week about the Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis that overshot its destination airport by 150 miles and had little to no radio contact with flight control stations from the ground. It's suspected the flight was temporarily hijacked, as the only other explanation for the goof ups and lack of communication from the pilots and crew is that BOTH pilots fell asleep while manning a flight with 147 passengers, and I'll be damned if that idea isn't equally as terrifying as the image of the flight being hijacked.

And don't watch the news about the Delta flight that landed on the taxiway instead of the runway in Atlanta last week, nearly causing a collision between planes on the ground.

So, in short dearie, avoid all of the horrible stories about possible pilot incompetence, narrowly averted disasters, and actual flying related disasters (9/11 springs to mind), and drink yourself silly. That's what I do to make it through any flight.

Safe travels and bottoms up!

Geraldine Hairpiece

Cookie Diet my ass!

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:15:00 -0700

Good Afternoon everyone! Madame Enzo here with a report on weight loss. That's right, everybody's god damn favorite topic. But this time I have some rather exciting news for all of you lazy couch potatoes who are too stubborn to actually get off the couch, get on a treadmill, and start walking. Dr. Sanford Siegal has invented the "Cookie Diet" in which you eat his chemically altered cookies and magically you lose weight. Nevermind the fact that that's about all you eat. If I only ate 5 packets of 100 calorie cookies a day-I'd lose weight too. But who wants to do that? What would I do without my eggs benedict, chocolate souflee, and daily spoonfuls of lard? These space cookies probably taste like cardboard. Pieces of shit. You eat this cookies think bad breath, irregular bowl movements, and getting tested.

Knock, Knock, Who's There....

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:41:00 -0700

I say! Police in Lancashire, UK caught one woman rather by surprise when they battered down the door of her Preston home on Friday of last week. Elaine Squires was happily washing away her cares in the shower when police used a battering ram to knock down the front door and frighten her daughter half to death. Ms Squires assumed it was just the neighbours being noisy again, until she was dragged out of the shower, with just a towel between her birthday suit and Preston's finest.

The whole shennanigans was a mix up of addresses, according to the police, who had intended to carry out a drugs raid on a nearby house, but got somewhat confused since there were no house numbers on the Squires residence.

I dare say that the most amusing thing for me about this story is that there is so little going in Preston the local press are resorting to reporting amusing incidents like this one. Go Preston. You'll catch Susan Boyle up before too long.

Good evening!

Nelson Ramsbottom

BLOONS!

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 09:39:00 -0700

So...this kid in the balloon and the family and the reality tv-show mongering...what the fuck is this about? Is this really on television? Is this really in the NEWS? WHO CARES ABOUT THIS? WHO CARES ABOUT THESE CRAZY FUCKIN PEOPLE? Wife swap? My God this is getting out of control. Like seriously. Your fifteen minutes of being looked at is over. You are insignificant and boring and a waste of time. Go home and make dinner and go to work in the morning like regular people. Christ. Get over yourselves. You aren't worthy of being a narcissist.

Hey Everybody - It's Season 2 Episode 1

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 14:16:00 -0700

M13N S2 Episode 1.mp3

Saving everyone Time

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 08:42:00 -0700

Dear Geraldine,

It has recently been suggested to me that I step down from my job as the Justice of the Peace for Tangipahoa Parish's 8th Ward in Louisiana. Personally, I don't think there's any reason for me to do so. All of the hub-bub started when I wisely refused to offer a marriage license to an interracial couple. Now, I realize that, yes we are lisdxving in a time when newfangled laws say we have to pretend to tolerate ALL people, but I honestly don't think that's a reason to want to harm poor, innocent unborn children. Imagine how hard it must be to grow up as an interracial child! Not to mention the fact that as soon as that white woman realizes her mistake, the marriage will end in divorce. I think i just saved everyone some time and money. Don't you?

Please advice,

Keith Bardwell

Dear Justice Bardwell,

You are a fucktard.

cheers,

Geraldine Hairpiece.

What is 22 inches long and might be in the Guiness book of record?

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:09:00 -0700

It is the 18 year old birthday boy Khagendra Thapa Magar from Nepal. He tried to get in the world guiness book of record when he was 14 but got rejected parce que he was not an adult. But guess what? This time he is ready to take the the title of He Pingping of China, who is 29 inches tall. He (Khagendra, not He Pingping, oh and by the way it is Pingping not Pingpong,stupids!) might even try to star in the next "Brit's got talent" as the smallest talented guitar player in the world,

zut, sorry, the talented smallest guitar player in the world. Well, why not, Susan Boyle managed to do it. Anyway, congratulations Khagendra for making it soon in the Guiness Book of Records...who said "size doesn't matter?"

Votre ami, Jacques Cuillère,

Meridian13 News

Good Gandhi!

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:42:00 -0700

My oh my. There's a bit of a hoo-ha going on with our friends in India, all over a simple pen. It's not that said implement is in any way causing offense through it's use; it's guilt by association.

Montblanc has issued a commemorative Mahatma Gandhi pen complete with decorative images of the original father of India. Now, you may ask what's all the fuss about? Popping a picture of an old guy in glasses onto a pen isn't all that offensive, is it? But the pen retails for $23, 000, and when one bears in mind that one third of children in India suffer from malnutrition, not to mention the widespread poverty that prevails in the country, perhaps it is in poor taste.

To be fair, Montblanc made a sizeable donation to Gandhi's charity before any pens were sold, and have promised a further gift of up to $1000 per pen sold. And it's not like anyone's being forced to buy them. Least of all the Indian government officials who wear the pens in breast pockets with pride.

It's nice that they can afford such a luxury, when the average Indian worker would be lucky to make $23, 000 in a lifetime.

Season 1 Re-runs: Episode 6

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 08:54:00 -0700

Meridian 13 News Episode 6 [7th July 2009].mp3