Mental Illness or Forgiveness

Memory Loss

2009-06-09T10:27:00.003-05:00

It's been 10 months since I was in hospital. For the most part I've been stable with a few minor glitches. I find my energy level goes up and down a lot especially if I've done something physical, the next day I can barely get out of bed.
I'm finally starting to get a little bit of work from contract. I do desktop publishing from my home on a contract basis with one company. I'm finding that I lost a lot key commands while I'm working, I find myself just staring at the screen because I can't remember the commands to do a certain function. I have to scroll through all the menus to find the one I'm looking for. I know it's been a while, but these I know like the back of my hand. I know eventually it should come back, but it's frustrating.
This memory loss wasn't the only time, on several occasions I've thought its September. It's June. I'm thinking that September is when I went into hospital. Maybe there is a connection. I also never know what day of the week it is, that's frustrating. I attribute all of this to the medication, but I don't know if it also was the trauma I went through. If anyone else wants to share their memory loss story, please feel free.

Change of Weather

2009-06-01T10:01:00.003-05:00

Hi, feeling glum today, the weather is beautiful outside especially because we had such a hard winter. I don't feel like enjoying the outside, taking the dog for walk, I just want to sit on my laptop all day and watch the day waste away. I don't know why this is. Is it the meds, am I just lazy or crazy! I will somehow force myself to get outside and tend to my flower gardens which really need some attention. I felt so good yesterday and today just blah. Is it a bipolar cycle, I don't remember cycling that fast.
Does anyone have any suggestions, they would be much appreciated.

The Contest

2009-05-27T12:35:00.003-05:00

Hey, I've been a little distracted lately as my daughter has been involved in a contest of sorts. Our local Phone company and a popular radio station had put on a contest to win a spot on the phone co. entourage team. The team goes to all the events and concerts and promotes the phone company by giving out prizes.
They would have 3 winners, each based on a submission of why they should be on the team. One winner would by announced each week for three weeks. My daughter was the third winner, they all win a Blackberry Storm. Now what happens is each of the winners shoot a 30 second video pleading their case why they should win, these videos will be put up on the phone company's website for voting. Your are supposed to vote 1 time per day for 4 days, well I guess the other 2 contestants found a way to vote multiple times and are getting their friends to do so. This has my daughter put off. Several of her friends know how to do this as well, but Kaitlyn has been true to her morals and told them no. She knows she won't win, but is sad that she didn't have an equal chance at the job, which she would be totally good at. So goes about her way, when she gets a call from the phone company asking her for a job interview, which she had today, she said it went really well. This whole ordeal has put a lot of pressure on my anxiety, but I'm trying to stay strong for her. So she might get that dream job afterall. I'll keep you posted.

My Brother

2009-05-19T11:44:00.003-05:00

This weekend I spent some time with my brother, which I don't do enough, he is 9 years older than me. He was telling me about how he's been feeling lately, very tired and no energy, depressed, has aches and pains all over, low testosterone. I told him that if he doesn't get to the doctor soon it could be tragic, he's had suicidal thoughts but says he would not carry them out. He has an appointment with a specialist (endocronologist) I not sure, but I think this will only help him with the low testosterone, not sure if it will help with the depression. I told him to make a written list so he doesn't forget anything, which tends to happen when men go to the doctor, they also tell the doctor that "it's not that bad". His wife will be going with him, I told her to make sure she goes in the room with him. Depression and Bipolar run in the family and I would hate to see him be misdiagnosed. Anyway, I hope all goes well with him as I love him very much.

Rain Rain Go Away

2009-05-13T11:38:00.004-05:00

Today I'm feeling better even though it is pouring cats and dogs, I like that saying because I have a cat and a dog. I received my package in the mail yesterday from the Cognitive Behavioural Specialist. It's all kinds of questions about depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, OCD, eating disorders, this thing will take a month of Sundays to fill all out, that's good, I have a month of Sunday's before I go.
I feel a lot more depressed these days, not sure why, maybe because the weather is getting nicer and I feel I can't go for walks, but I can I just don't want to. I think it has something to do with me not working, its not that I can't, its because there is no work for me. I work at home and have a contract with my husband's company, but since the recession in the states, it has affected us here in Canada. The stress of the bills piling up is causing me anxiety. I hope some comes soon, I don't want to be in the state I was in 6 months ago.
Hope all you with a mental illness can see the sun through the clouds. I'm going to take a nap.

Hold Your Head High

2009-05-11T11:17:00.003-05:00

Hold my my head high! I feel I can't do this, I'm having those feelings again, the feeling of overwhelmingness (is that a word). Things seem like there spinning out of control again and I don't know how to stop it. I should have learned this, after all those sessions with the psychiatrist I should be in control. I can't help it. Maybe its just a busy time of year, or maybe because of the changes going on in our household. Oh no, now I'm crying, the floodgates just opened. I will continue this blog later.

Effectiveness of Antidepressants

2009-05-06T11:06:00.002-05:00

During the past couple of decades, drugs from the class of antidepressants called SSRIs, as well as newer drugs, have been given credit for helping many people reclaim their lives from the devastating grips of depression. These drugs have also been responsible for making their manufacturers very wealthy. But, what if these drugs don't really provide significant relief for depression at all? What if the placebo effect is responsible for most of their effectiveness?

Surprising Results

Kirsch, a psychologist at the University of Connecticut, pooled together data from 38 studies of six drugs approved by the FDA between 1987 and 1999 (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Serzone, Celexa and Effexor). The studies were placebo-controlled clinical trials in which some patients were given the antidepressant while others were given the placebo. What he found was surprising. On the average, the placebo groups improved by eight points on the 50-point Hamilton Depression Scale, while those given the active ingredient improved by an average of 10 points. This difference, argues Kirsch, is "clinically negligible".

What Does This Mean?

According to Kirsch, although mean differences between the antidepressants and placebo were small, the differences were in favor of the drugs and they were statistically significant. What this means is that the drug did appear to have some effect on mood which could be proven by the data. This small difference can be accounted for in two ways. One, the active drug actually has an effect, although not a large one; or, two, the difference resulted from an enhanced placebo effect.

An enhanced placebo effect may occur with these particular antidepressants because, despite efforts to keep patients unaware of which group they are in, it is well-known that antidepressants produce side-effects. If a patient is having side-effects, they know they must have received the active drug and therefore have expectations of feeling better. In fact, it has been shown that the ability of patients to guess whether they are in the drug or placebo group in antidepressant trials does exceed chance. While this enhanced placebo effect is small, one must bear in mind that the difference in improvement between the drug and placebo groups was also small--only 2 points on the HAM-D.

Possible Avenues for Future Exploration

One problem with the research, admits Kirsch, is the fact that his conclusions are based upon the assumption that placebo and drug effects are additive, meaning that he is assuming one can simply subtract the placebo's effect from the drug's effect and the difference between them is what the drug caused. It is possible that the placebo effect played a smaller role in the patients taking the active drug, therefore meaning that the drug had a greater effect than the difference between the two figures would indicate. If it turns out that the effects are not additive, conventional methods are not appropriate for testing these drugs. Kirsch suggests that it may be necessary to alter future study designs to determine whether the model of additive effects is appropriate for evaluating antidepressant drugs. If it is determined that effects are additive, this means we will have to reevaluate our current arsenal of drugs. If they are not additive, new methods will have to be designed to appropriately evaluate new drugs coming down the pipeline.

Reference:

The Emperor's New Drugs: An Analysis of Antidepressant Medication Data Submitted to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

Meds and Weight Gain/Loss

2009-05-05T10:31:00.010-05:00

Today I wanted to touch on the side effects of antidepressants and anxiety medication.

If you’re suffering from major depression, antidepressant medication may relieve some of your symptoms. Antidepressants aren’t a silver bullet for depression, and they come with their own side effects and dangers. Plus, recent studies have raised questions about their effectiveness.

Learning the facts about antidepressants and speaking with your psychiatrist about the side effects and risks can help you make an informed decision about whether medication is right for you.

Medication for treating anxiety disorders is often used in combination with other forms of therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy. The most important aspect of the process of beginning a medication is to have an open and honest discussion with your psychiatrist, followed by regular visits to you doctor.

Side Effects of Anxiety Disorder Meds
Although many patients do not experience any side effects of anxiety medications, the most commonly reported include the following:

headaches
nausea
stomach upset
dizziness
sexual side effects

Side Effects of Depression Medication
Some of the various side effects from the different antidepressants are:

Dry mouth
Urinary retention
Blurred vision
Constipation
Sedation (can interfere with driving or operating machinery)
Sleep disruption
Weight gain
Headache
Nausea
Gastrointestinal disturbance/diarrhea
Abdominal pain
Inability to achieve an erection
Inability to achieve an orgasm (men and women)
Loss of libido
Agitation
Anxiety

I have 2 major side effects from all the meds I take; first they make me dizzy and unbalanced therefore I need the use of a cane to help me walk without falling over.

The second side effect I have from all the meds that have been tried, and failed with me has been weight gain, I remember my first time in hospital. I was there for 2 and a half weeks, by the end of my stay I couldn't get my pants done up. For the next 6 months I continued to gain weight until I was 40 lbs. heavier. This was a shock as well as very depressing I had no clothes that fit anymore. There was not losing the weight as the meds made sure I stayed at that weight. The third time in hospital the same thing happened. Now I was another 20 lbs heavier. In 2 years I have gained 60 lbs. I went from a size 4 to a size 18. Talk about being depressed. Again, I had to buy more clothes, this time I have to shop and the large womens stores, its very embarrasing. Everyday I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted by what I see, knowing that if I were to diet I may lose 5 maybe 10 pounds that's what my psychiatrist said. Sometimes I just feel like flushing all the meds down the toilet.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback about side effects you may have had and if you were able to overcome them.

Me and My Psychiatrist

2009-05-04T08:45:00.003-05:00

Three days ago I was at my monthly session with my psychiatrist. We talked about the usual stuff, how I'm feeling, how am I sleeping and so on. This day we were able to focus more on my anxiety, we got into the fine details of what makes me anxious. I call it the swirling in my head because literally everything swirls from one thing to the other. Here's an example; I was working in my flower bed this week and as I was working every plant I touched came a stream of issues, is it growing, is it dead, did I water it enough last year, did I prune it enough, did I remember to give it plant food last year, when should I feed it this year, I hope I planted it in the right spot, are the bugs going to eat it, will the butterflies come (its a butterfly garden), it looks kinda small, etc. This happens with each plant, I was only able to do half the flower bed that day as I was emotionally exhausted. I did the other half yesterday with all the same swirlings.
Anyway, back to me and my psychiatrist, she was able to get a grasp of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. She told me that we have the power to stop this with some therapy, so for our next meeting she will be bringing in a Cognitive Bahavioural Specialist. I'm a little skeptical, I've done some cognitive behavioural group therapy and I wasn't really impressed, to me it was to hokey, I also done Mood Gym, which I think was a lot better, here is the website should anyone like to try this for yourself.
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
I let you know how my session goes with the Specialist, but that won't be for another month.

Life after Hospital

2009-04-26T10:11:00.002-05:00

My first blog I told you about all the stressors that led up to my last admittance. I want to tell the story of my life now, after hospital.
After 7 weeks at the Psych Health Centre in Winnipeg my final meeting with my in-patient psychiatrist decided that I needed to go out and face my fears. I cried and cried I did not think I was ready as there were so many things that caused me a lot of anxiety. I had 1 week to prepare myself for being "out". I tried to stay positive by talking with the other patients and working myself up for discharge. There were 2 main things that caused me huge anxiety, large groups of people and loud noises.
I was discharged Nov 4, right at the beginning of the Christmas rush. I was not able to help with the Christmas shopping this year and with 4 kids its always a lot of shopping. My husband did it all by himself. Its a huge task as we have gifts to buy for friends and family. I still don't know how he pulled it off, he amazes me.
Christmas morning there were lots of gifts, the kids were excited, even the 19 year old was happy, and I felt a huge relief that it was over. Christmas dinner was at my husband's sister's house, about 30 people. I did not go. The feeling of all those people in a confined space is what gave me the anxiety. It's like people are too close or even touching me was too much. That was sort of the feeling with going to the mall. It was the people walking toward me that I couldn't stand, I couldn't gauge where they were going to walk. Today I still have this issue.
Loud noises is the other major thing that causes anxiety, I have 2 boys and both play hockey. The only way I could go watch them is if I wore ear plugs. My husband works in a production plant so I always have a good stock of them. Any type of loud noise starts my shaking, tv, radio (I don't listen to anymore) antything thats loud.
I don't know about anybody else, but I've become ultra-sensitive to caffeine, I don't know if this is from the pills, I suspect it is.
The last thing I'm still dealing with is my balance, I use a cane to walk because I get flashes of dizziness, also I think comes from the pills. Sometimes when I go up the stairs (I look at the stairs) it looks like 2 stairs are at the same level and I get confused as to where I should step, I use my cane to help out.
My husband applied for a Handicap Parking Pass and we received one. Which is good for me. I try to do as much walking as I can but with the dizziness I don't go very far. Some of the looks we get from other people as we pull into a Handicap spot are of disgust, but when we finally get out of the vehicle and see I have a cane, they look away.
These are the struggles I'm still dealing with today, maybe not so severe, but it takes time, so I'm told.

Dealing with Stress

2009-04-23T11:42:00.003-05:00

18 Tips for Dealing with Stress and Tension
Stress and tension are normal reactions to events that threaten us. Such threats can come from accidents, financial troubles and problems on the job or with family.
The way we deal with these pressures has a lot to do with our mental, emotional and physical health.
The following are suggestions to get you started on managing the stress in you life.

Recognize your symptoms of stress.
Look at your lifestyle and see what can be changed - in your work situation, your family situation, or your schedule.
Use relaxation techniques - yoga, meditation, deep breathing, or massage.
Exercise - Physical activity is one of the most effective stress remedies around!
Time management - Do essential tasks and prioritize the others. Consider those who may be affected by your decisions, such as family and friends. Use a check list; you will receive satisfaction as you check off completed jobs!
Watch your diet - Alcohol, caffeine, sugar, fats and tobacco all put a strain on your body's ability to cope with stress. A diet with a balance of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and foods high in protein but low in fat will help create optimum health. Contact your local Heart and Stroke Foundation for information about healthy eating.
Get enough rest and sleep.
Talk with others - Talk with friends, professional counsellors, support group or relatives about what's bothering you.
Help others - Volunteer work can be an effective and satisfying stress reducer.
Get away for awhile - Read a book, watch a movie, play a game, listen to music or go on vacation. Leave yourself some time that's just for you.
Work off your anger - Get physically active, dig in the garden, start a project, or get your spring cleaning done.
Give in occasionally - Avoid quarrels whenever possible.
Tackle one thing at a time. Don't do too much at once.
Don't try to be perfect.
Ease up on criticism of others.
Don't be too competitive
Make the first move to be friendly.
HAVE SOME FUN!! Laugh with people you enjoy!

This list was taken from my Mental Health Resource Guide. I wanted to include it as I think that each suggestion can be used as a starting point for us all. We need to try and lighten up and get rid of the negativity some of us have. Be happy!

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

2009-04-21T12:05:00.005-05:00

I did this as part of my day hospital program. I'm just looking over my notes and the handouts that were given. Looking back I could see how this could have worked for me, I was like a zombie where the therapists would hand this stuff out and we would say what they wanted to hear. Now I look at it as a bunch of crap. I don't think anyone reacts this way. Here's an example:
SITUATION: A friend is complaining about a co-worker.
YOU MESSAGE: "Grow up".
I MESSAGE: When you complain about Jack, I feel annoyed.
Huh! I feel annoyed! Cmon, I know I would not react like that.
There are several more just like this one.
I did find 1 exerpt from my stack of papers.
When someone has done or said something you did not like, you may choose to confront that person. The goal in confrontation is to express your reaction to the behaviour, and to specify what changes you would like. Responsible confrontation does not seek to punish, humiliate or label others.
I like this exerpt because it allows me to react to the situation as I want, not a generic answer.
I meet with my psychiatrist once a month, and last month she gave me a website that all the psychiatrists agree is the best for internet cognitive behavioural therapy.
Here it is;
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
I've done the 1st module, not sure how many there are, but the 1st one took about and hour to complete. Let me know if you have tried it and what you think.
Sorry I did not go deeper into this subject, this was just my perspective from then and now.

Mental Illness Heretitary?

2009-04-20T09:04:00.005-05:00

Like I said, I'm not a doctor, but I believe that if a member of your family has a mental illness, other members might be at greater risk. I'm using my family as an example. My mom, I always new something was not quite right. Our house was always uber-clean, laundry was always done, and a 5 course meal was had every day. I noticed that her finger tips were always cracked and would sometimes bleed. I remember all those pill bottles in her night stand drawer but I was too young to know what they were for. When I got to my teens I was too focused on my own needs to recognize my moms.
When I was 6, I started to play ringette (it's kinda like hockey but just girls, the stick was straight and we used a rubber ring). When I was in my teens I had become quite good, played for the top level team and we won the provincials which would take us to the Nationals in Quebec. There we also won the title, we were National champions. I continued on and played a couple more years, got married at 21 and had 3 children, still playing. When I was pregnant with my 4th I decided to quit. In all I had played for 23 years. I loved the game, still do. But the point I was getting to, is that I could count on 1 hand how many times my mom came to watch me play. She was always busy at home cooking, cleaning and ironing. It didn't really bother me until I was an adult. A have 2 boys and 2 girls, the boys played hockey and the girls played soccer and gymnastics. My husband and I made sure 1 of us was at all the games. I loved watching them play. My oldest son now, is playing in a beer league inline hockey league and we go to watch him play. I know I rambling, but why didn't she want to come watch me play? I asked her once and she said that she would get too nervous. I think it was anxiety that she couldn't deal with, this was always the answer.
I remember, a few years ago, before I was diagnosed, my dad had to take my mom to the hospital because she hadn't slept in 4 days. They gave her some sleeping pills and sent her home. She has never seen a psychiatrist or psychologist.
Looking back at everything I endured over the last few years I am 100% positive that my mom is bipolar. All the symptoms fit. Of course she tells me I'm not bipolar, that it's normal to run around the house at all hours of the night, which brings me to my daughter, she's 18, everybodys sweetheart, student class president, student class president in grade 9 as well, do anything for anyone, never says no, bubbly, super smart, all the students and teachers love her. Burning the candle at both ends, very little sleep, can you see the pattern here. I tried talking to her about giving up some of the things she's involved in, but she feels she's letting them down. She remembers seeing me in the hospital and that's not something I would want her to go through. I try to talk to her about burning out and ending up in the hospital. All she says is I know, I know. I just think she's headed straight down that track, all the signs are there. I don't think you fully recover.

Bipolar Disorder Symptoms – What's the Difference

2009-04-19T10:26:00.004-05:00

Bipolar Symptoms
The main difference between bipolar disorder and depression are the mania symptoms — characterized by excessive excitement or irritability, extreme happiness, and delusions of being a superperson — are associated with the bipolar disorder. In fact, until fairly recently, bipolar disorder was often called manic depression, a term that causes a sufferer to endure both poles of the illness — mania and depression. To put in perspective the differences between depression and bipolar disorder, you need to understand the symptoms of each.

Depression Symptoms
While mood swings, or cycling back and forth between manic and depressed states, are a symptom of bipolar disorder, depression is unipolar — meaning that there is no "up," or manic, part of the condition. Instead, depression is characterized by an intense, prolonged "down" state of mind that interferes with a person's daily life, as well as his or her ability and desire to engage in relationships and regular activities. Symptoms of depression include:

Pervasive sadness
Extreme fatigue or loss of energy
Inability to make a decision
Lack of interest in activities that are normally enjoyable
Appetite changes
Sleep problems
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide

Although bipolar disorder includes the depressive symptoms described above, it also includes manic symptoms. Bipolar disorder is characterized by uncontrollable dramatic mood swings that fluctuate between depressive lows and manic highs. Manic symptoms may include:

Irritability
Anger
Excessively high energy; rapid speech and thoughts
Decreased need for sleep
Overinflated sense of self-importance
Difficulty concentrating
Disturbed judgment
Increased recklessness (usually involving money, drugs, alcohol, or sex)

Talk to your doctor about your symptoms, be specific. Typically Bipolar can take about 8 years to diagnose, simply because we don't see our doctors in the manic stage but during the depressive stage.
My opinion: If you find your self cleaning the house to excess day after day without any sleep, you need to see your doctor.

I Need Help

2009-04-17T09:55:00.004-05:00

I think one of the hardest things to do is admit there is something not right and to seek help. I believe that the first place to go is your family physician, make sure you be specific about what you've been going through they can prescribe something to get you started. Then, I would get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist for ongoing care. I know the stigma about going to a "shrink" but this is really where you need to go. If you do not have a family physician, you should go to the emergency, this way you will be seen immediately by a psychiatrist and you can get help right away, and depending on your state be admitted to hospital.
I'm not a doctor, but I've been through this same course 3 times now, I believe yours would be similar.
So again, if you think something is wrong especially is you feel hopeless or harming your self. Seek help!

Mental Illness Medications

2009-04-16T10:50:00.009-05:00

I wanted to do this near the beginning of my blog because I wanted some input as to the meds you are taking and if you have or had any side effects with them.
Here is a run-down of what is being prescribed.

ANTIPSYCHOTICS
Drug Name – Brand Name

Risperidone – Resperdal

Haloperidol – Haldol
Clozapine – Clozaril
Loxapine – Loxpac
Pimozide – Orap
Chlorpromazine
Methotrimeprazine – Nozinan
Fluphenazine, Moditen – Modecate
Perphenazine
Thioproperazine – Majeptil
Trifluoperazine
Olanzapine – Zyprexa
Flupenthixol – Fluanxol
Quetiapine – Seroquel
Thiothixene – Navane
Zuclopenthixol – Clopixol
Paliperidone – Invega
Pipotiazine – Piportil

ANTIDEPRESSANTS
MAO's (Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors)
Phenelzine – Nardil
Tranylcypromine – Parnate
Moclobemide – Maxerix

Tricyclics
Amitriptyline
Clomipramine
Desipramine
Doxepin
Imipramine
Maprotiline
Nortriptyline
Trimipramine

SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors)
Bupropian – Wellbutrin
Citalopram – Celexa
Culoxetine – Cymbalta
Escitalopram – Cipralex
Fluoxetine – Prozac
Fluvoxamine – Luvox
L-tryptophan
Mirtazapine – Remeron
Paroxetine – Paxil
Sertraline – Zoloft

Various
Trazodone
Vanlafaxine – Effexor

ANTIANXIETY
Alprazolam – Xanax
Bromazepam – Lectopam
Buspirone – Buspar
Clorazepate
Chlordiazepoxide
Diazepam
Eszopiclone – Lunesta
Lorazepam
Midazolam
Nitrazepam – Mogadon
Oxazepam – Serax
Temazepam – Restoril
Trizolam – Halcion
Zaleplon – Starnoc
Zolpidem – Ambien
Zopiclone – Imovane

This is a long list of meds, some of which I have never heard of before. There are some which had a huge side effect with me. I will never take Paxil again, never.
Here is my daily dose of meds.
Morning
600mg of Lithium
1mg of Lorazepam
50mg of Seroquel
200mg of Lamotrigine (this is an anti-epilepsy drug, doctor this this will help with anxiety)
.88mg of Synthroid (an artificial hormone to counteract the effect from the Lithium)

Lunch
50 mg of Seroquel

Dinner
50mg of Seroquel
1mg of Lorazepam

Bedtime
600mg of Lithium
250mg of Seroquel
2mg of Clonazepam
50mg of Nozinan

I know this sounds like a lot, but what ever keeps my head straight, i'll take. I've been stable now for 6 months and the hope is to get off some of the narcotic drugs, anything that ends with "pam".
I would really like some feedback as to your meds and why they were prescribed.

Here are the Truths about Mental Illness

2009-04-15T10:24:00.004-05:00

1. People with mental illness are no more violent than any one else. The fact is, they are more likely to be victims of violence than to be violent themselves.
2. Studies show the people with a mental illness have average or above-average intelligence. Mental illness can affect anyone regardless of intelligence, social class or income level.
3. A mental illness is not a flaw in one's character. It is a illness and has nothing to do with being weak or not having will-power. People with a mental illness can gain the power to help themselves recover, but did not choose to become ill.
4. Mental illness is not a disease, but a broad spectrum of many disorders. Anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, personality disorders, eating disorders and organic brain disorders affect millions of Canadian every year.
The truth also is that we, that have a mental illness still have the stigma of being "crazy". This is the reason only my closest friends know I have it. I don't know if you have the same feeling, maybe you are quite open with your illness. I would love to hear from you that can stand proud and face the stigman. I don't have that strength yet.

The Myths of Mental Illness

2009-04-14T10:07:00.003-05:00

Here is what the average person thinks about mental illness.
1. People with mental illness are violent and dangerous.
2. People with mental illness are poor and less intelligent.
3. Mental illness is caused by personal weakness.
4. Mental illness is a single, rare disorder.
What do think about that?
I have all the truths, but I would really like to see some comments.
I will post the "truths" tomorrow.

It's not my fault

2009-04-13T10:50:00.003-05:00

It's not my fault that I have a mental illness, or mood disorder. I find myself trying to hide my condition rather than talk to people about it, especially when the majority of people think that I'm weak or should snap out of it. Bipolar is extremely hard for people to comprehend. I go days when I'm on cloud nine, and then come crashing down into deep depression, barely able to get out of bed. I find anxiety goes the same way. I can't be in a room with more than 10 people, than my heart starts to race and I start to tremble only to have my husband lead me out of the room while I fix my eyes on the floor in front of me. Once out of the room, I can calm down. The feeling of being closed in and people touching me and moving all over the room, causes extreme anxiety. That is way I called this blog It's not my fault, I have a mental illness, which finally the physicians have actually deemed it as a true illness.

Good Friday

2009-04-10T14:06:00.006-05:00

Today is Good Friday, its the time when we are to remember how Jesus was tortured and died on the cross. It's a very moving day. All the stores and malls should be closed. But somehow that's not the case. Too many non-believers are worried about buying TVs and motorbikes. I am genuinely trying to relax and remember what the day means to me. Stress level is slightly elevated as the whole family is home today and there is some hustle and bustle going on in the house. Maybe I'll take a nap to shut off the swirling in my head.

Airport Anxiety

2009-04-09T10:28:00.004-05:00

Today I will be picking up my parents from the airport, they are coming home from Hawaii after 7 weeks. I have some anxiety as we used their car for a few weeks and my dad is very particular about his vehicle. I might take an extra clonazepam for this.

Forgiveness not Illness

2009-04-07T10:58:00.003-05:00

THIS IS MY STORY. I call this blog Mental Forgiveness because I think those of us with a Mental Illness should not be frowned upon, we should be forgiven, it's not our fault, this is an Illness.
I'm starting this blog as a type of group therapy for those of us with a mental illness or mood disorder.
Not quite sure why they call it a illness or a disorder. I've been called both.
My journey, if that's the right word, began in 2000. I was in the boss' office and he said to me, Andrea, what's wrong, you're making so many mistakes, that's not like you. Well then the flood gates opened. I couldn't figure out what was happening to me. I'm a mom of 4 and considered myself a supermom, I was able to anything and everything. Now things started to fall apart. I took the next few days off and went and saw my doctor, who of course prescribed an antidepressant, I guess at the time it was the right thing to do.
I did get somewhat better until 3 years later, still on the antidepressants, I had switched jobs, at first it seemed OK I was able to work and cope with this mood disorder, then things started to turn for the worst. The office started to get REALLY busy, I was working 17 hour days with no overtime pay, people warned me that this was a sweat shop, it got to the point where I would cry before going the work, I hated it that much. I began looking for something else, the mistake (or not) was I had been doing it on company time and ultimately got fired. The stress compounded as we were in the middle of building a new house, now I had no job.
I few weeks later I was able to land a contract job with my husband's company doing data conversion from home, the dream job, everyone knows when you work at home you set your own hours. I thought this would take all the stress away and I would become "normal" again. We finally moved into our new house February 4, we were so excited, everything brand new. February 13 came along and we got the news, my son's best friend from our old street had passed away, he was 13. This was devastating, my son hid in his bedroom for several days. Sam was born with a hole in his aorta and had a surgery every few years to make sure the repair was still holding. He was due for his next surgery that fall.
A year later I could feel things starting to take a turn for the worse. I was crying a lot more, was sensitive to loud sounds, I wouldn't play the radio anymore, just everything was irritating. Until that day, the day of no return. I was having these strong urges to cut myself. I couldn't figure it out, It was just there growing stronger every minute. I went upstairs, took one of my husband's razor's apart and took the blade and started cutting my right arm from the elbow to my wrist. After each cut I felt this euphoric relief, the tension that had built up was disappearing. I cut about 15 times and then finally passed out. When I came to I phoned my husband and he came rushing home. I didn't know how to tell him why I did this, I did not know myself.We quickly went to the hospital and when we arrived they shuffled me to the psychiatric room. Why are they putting me there? A short while later in came a resident psychologist asking me all kinds of questions that I wasn't sure how to answer. After she had finished her questions, they bandaged my arm, gave my an appointment slip to see a psychiatrist the next day. We went and met with the doctor, she asked several questions about the incident, and I didn't have any answers, so she prescribed more pills, and another appointment slip for a few days later.
My husband decided to stay home from work to be with me fearing that this could happen again. The next few days were filled with sneaking upstairs and cutting so more. I wanted the feeling of relief the cutting would give me. It was like an alcoholic or a drug addict trying to get a fix. I was addicted. My husband tried to hide all the blades in the house, but I was also hiding them. We went to our next appointment, and with all that was that going on, she decided to admit me into the Psych Health Centre, I'm thinking the loonie bin, we've all heard what happens in the loonie bin. I was scared of the unknown, did they have straight jackets for people like me? We arrived and I had to quickly give up my clothes and wear the hospital pyjamas. They took all my vitals and escorted me to my room. The room was very dimmly lit and there also was a camera in the room and it was right next to the nurses desk. I was able to walk around the ward, and looking at the faces of the other patients I knew I belonged here.
The first day was OK, however the urge to cut was still very much there. During lunch I had taken a plastic knife back to my room. I closed the door, went into the bathroom and began to saw on my arm, this is all that plastic knife could do, but it did enough to get my fix. After I was done I pulled the emergency string and the nurses came and bandaged my arm, I don't think they were impressed.
I few days later and more pills I was starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. However that bad old urge still lingered in my head. I was waiting at the nurses station to receive my pills when one of the male patients had layed a shaving razor on the counter. Haleluja, I swiftly grabbed it and put it in the pocket of my robe, took my pills and hurried back to my room. I removed the bandages from the last episode, took the razor apart and began to cut again, Ah, that relief, this time there was alot of blood, I pulled the emergency cord and once again the nurses bandaged me up.
The next day I met with my psychiatrist, she was quite angry with the incident. She said that there were a few patients on the ward with HIV and that blade could be infected. She said I should get a HIV test. Oh crap, I didn't think of that. This was the shocker that I needed to help me fight those urges, and I did, no more cutting. I spent 3 weeks in the "loonie bin" and I did feel a lot better, speaking with all the other patients will all different disorders was good therapy. I wasn't alone, and I could finally smile.
I spent the next 3 months in the mood disorder program, which included group therapy, and cognitive thinking, I also met with a psychiatrist once a week. During these visits, through all our discussions, he had diagnosed bipolar disorder instead of just depression. It makes sense, I can remember several times where I thought I was Supermom. He started me on Lithium.
The rest of the year I was pretty much stable, until Christmas. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I couldn't stand it. The people, the mall, the traffic, it was too overwhelming for me. I began crying again, and why, it's Christmas, I should be elated, I was anything but. I hated it, and just wanted it over.
Finally, Christmas had passed and I could try to get myself together again. I started working with my contract job, and things seemed OK.
Two months later my husband and I took a vacation to Mexico, all inclusive, should be relaxing, and it was, one week of heaven. After we returned home 3 days later I went to Hawaii with my parents, they knew the stress I was under. That too was heaven, 2 and half weeks of warm sun. I returned home tanned and a little stressed. 3 days after that I had my second episode. I was so depressed I wanted to take my life with a whole bottle of pills, and believe my I had a lot of pills in the house. I could not stop crying. My husband came home and took me to the emergency, there again I was admitted to the "loonie bin". I had no urges of cutting this time, so me stay was to get me stable again.
Once out of the hospital I was equipped with a new arsenal of pills hoping to keep my head on straight. After a year of popping pills and 60lbs later, I decided I don't need these pills, they made me feel so flat, I didn't laugh or cry, and the weight just kept piling on, so I decided to just stop, without telling my doctor. I figured if I know my limits, have my nap everyday I should be OK. I went through some side effects, but nothing I could not handle. For the next few months I thought I was doing pretty good.
May 21 of that year was my Godfather's funeral, I left a 9 am to go pick up my parents, we would go to the funeral together. It was a sad day. I drove my parent's home and proceeded to my house.
As I turned the corner onto my street I could see my front door wide open. Oh my gosh, I forgot to lock it. I'm thinking my dog and my cat are gone. My dog I would find, but the cat would get lost. I ran inside and called both there names, the dog came, and after looking everywhere I found the cat downstairs in a closet. After the relief of finding my pets I looked around the house... we had been robbed. It was several months by the time we had everything settled with the police and the insurance company.
Stress No. 1

2 weeks later we had a downpour like none other. Someone had forgotten to put the downspout down and the water came up into my son's bedroom. Insurance does not cover this.
Stress No. 2

2 weeks later we were at the lake and my husband gets a call from a good friend of ours, he's in our basement ankle deep in water. My daughter stayed home with some friends and someone had flushed the toilet and the handle stuck. She came down the next morning to a basement full of water. Insurance covered this, but dumped us right after.
Stress No. 3

I decided to stay at the lake for the summer while the basement was getting repaired, the 2 younger kids stayed with me. They're 19, 18, 16, 14. They have lots of friends out there so it wasn't uncommon for them to stay out late. But of course, being a mom, I couldn't sleep until I knew they were home. Most times that was 1 or 2 am.
Stress No. 4

By the time summer was over and the kids were back in school, I could tell something was wrong, I wasn't sleeping, I was starting to shake, the shaking got gradually worse, then I began to get the urge to cut again, this time it was very strong. I promised myself I would never do that to my family again. I would phone my husband and tell him to just talk, anything to take my mind off of cutting. Eventually the anxiety was so bad I couldn't talk, just whisper. My husband stayed home with me until I could see me psychiatrist, which took 2 weeks of that torture. When I finally saw her she immediately admitted me into the hospital. I spent 7 weeks there and am feeling much better. I'm still taking a handful of pills everyday but if it helps, I will never go off them again.
I invite everyone to tell their story, or even comment on mine. It would be great to get some feedback.