“I take great delight in you…I rejoice over you with singing.”Zepaniah 3:17

Turning 37 looked radically different than I had planned.  As my birthday came and went I was reminded of the dreams I had just a year earlier as I carried Bradford in my womb.  I had felt great anticipation at the year to come and that she would be 7 months old as I turned 37…the timing and everything seemingly perfect.  Those days seem a bit haunting to me even now.  My heart aches at the thought of those days and how her death set off a year from hell.  I still can feel the heat of the flames.  I keep wondering when will God douse me with water and soothe the burn? I so want to be different starting today my first day of 37. I am begging God to open my mind, to THE  truth everyday, to open my eyes to His love for me even when I don’t feel it, to open my ears to Him singing over me.   I want to be positive,  BELIEVING  He is who He says He is….and I am who HE says I am..His child.   I want to hold onto hope that He professes I can claim as mine.  I do wish to be still, rest, and know that He is God.

“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put in to practice.  And the God of peace shall be with you.”  Phillipians 4:8-9

I have quoted the first part of these verses so many times to gain control over my wrong thinking. I have made choices in my home and in my life based on these verse and yet have never noticed the last words.  Its the putting into practice that brings peace.  How often I say I believe one thing then my response says I believe another.  I tell one person you are forgiven and then walk away only to berate myself over something I have done. 

Again, I want to be different….I want the deep ceded knowledge that God is in control of my mind, my heart, and my life.  I am asking God to grant me  renewed joy and hope and the strength to  ”practice what I preach.”  The old saying that practice makes us perfect…..I could stand a lot of  practice to be more like Jesus…knowing only He in an through me can accomplish that in me at 37 years, 52 years, 77 years, and hopefully even 90 years of age.  He holds the future…..

 There are  so many questions we have to ask  in this season of our lives and I find myself in emotional upheaval trying to answer them all it.  I look at future doctors appts and feel this sense of fear that overtakes me.  I hear of another bill and I am quick to doubt and be ungrateful. I have this inner turmoil- not wanting to let go and trust God with our decisions.  I think “Surely he has better things to do than deal with my pettiness.”   Its like I am on a treadmill holding  a bookbag, purse, magazines, ipod, cookbook, checkbook, bills, while watching a tv over head in numbness.  This is not the way I want to live because I know I will take that wrong step, stumble and it will all come crashing down.  GOD did not design me to carry that kind of burdensome weight.  “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves…their forms will decay in the grave.”  Psalm 49:13.  THis sounds harsh but its kind of where I get to when I trust in myself and my own strength….tired and decayed.  But then there is the question again…can I trust God?  after what He has taken?  from me?…from people of Haiti?…from friends in immense grief?  How do Icome to a place of surrendered trust? 

“I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord is my strength and my song.” Isaiah 12:2  Its so scary-letting go.  But he tells me all through out his word to trust and not be afraid.   In the words of Joyce Meyer(for Amberly)  “you will have fear but do it afraid.”  Obviously, this is an area of my life that God wants me to rise up in as it faces me every turn I make.  I feel my nose beaten and bruised running into large walls with ”trust me” graffitti on them. I turn away, retreat and head another direction…I can do this myself.  I have come to a place today on the floor crying out to God as the walls surround me now.  “O Sovereign Lord, you are God, Your words are trustworthy..”2 samuel 2:28.  So the issue is not whether He is TRUSTWORTHY-HE IS…its whether I will choose to trust him or keep running my own way.  I am exhausted…I so want to know the assured reliance on HIS character, His ability, His strength, His truth….His Hope..HIs care…His custody that I may love Him like a child in his trusted arms.

So I shall begin our journey…Sawyer has brought us a gift from Ethiopia in the form of a bacteria called H. Pylori.  It is a pretty basic bacteria but can reak havoc on your stomach and esophagus. He had to have an upper endoscopy(had to stick a tube down his throat) to find out what was going on.  It was a long day in the hospital of vomit and became even longer the ride home stuck in trafiic on I-85 as he vomits in his carseat. Aren’t you glad I shared)   A pretty helpless feeling as  mom.  Again inspite of all the frustration, so grateful for the doctor who put in the years at school to be able to even perform this procedure to help children.  They found alot going on in Sawyer’s body but are treating one thing at a time…first the H. Pylori which is treated with 3  antibiotics.  Next for him will be giardia(for the 4th time) and potential celiac disease.  So anyone who is adopting from EThiopia-I would love to be a health resource for you if you have any issues with your children that are similar.

On to me…I have seen many specialists as it pertains to fertility and pregnancy and after 20+ viles of blood taken they discovered I have a blood clotting disorder(it has a long technical name).  What this means to me is that if I were to ever get pregnant againI would have to give myself a shot in the stomach everyday.  Good stuff -but am more than willing to do it if GOd allows me to conceive!  It also is why they believe Bradford died.   The pathology  autopsy revealed a clot in the vessel from me to the placenta.  There was a part of me that felt relieved that I didn’t do something and then a part still frustrated at God for allowing the clotting to be an issue(once again the battle of “isn’t He able to fix a small bloodclot”)  I have moments that I wonder if I had just taken baby aspirin would she be here with us.  I recognize though the Lord chose not to intervene and His plan was for her to live only 20 weeks.(can’t say I am at perfect peace with that truth yet) 

On a lighter note, I also have the H. Pylori and will soon begin treatment  as well.  My wonderful friend Kristin brought a whole new perpective to these diagnosis. She just laughed and said “Yeah, you have blood clotting and H. pylori, at least you know and can treat it!”   Everyone needs a friend like her to bring you to a place of praise.  I need to be reminded of the blessing of the medical advancements and care we are so privleged to have here.  A reminder too that I am broken and in need of help….”my soul yearns, even faints, forthe courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.”

All of my plights seem so trivial and insignificant in light of what has happened in Haiti.  I have cried at so many horiffic images.  I can’t seem to fathom the heartache or breathe it in completely.  I know God is good….it just a truth that is hard to hold onto when you see such devastation….  My eyes are too teary to even begin to see clearly or understand his ways.

1) Being Average– Outside of my unusual knowledge of 80’s movies and music I am pretty plain jane.  I am an average height, weight, and shoe size.  I could not write a book on Parenting as I have no clue what I am doing most days.  I have no thoughts on potty training as I cannot remember how we even did it.  Though I enjoy cooking, with an oven with electrical PMS and grocery store amnesia I cannot offer wisdom on feeding a large family.  Most days its a wonder I don’t come home to children who have turned into chicken nuggetts.  These Tyson delectables are elegantly served with ketchup at least one meal a day.(that and of course PB&J).  I do not excel really in the arts or sports.  I remember playing basketball and hearing people yell “don’t give it to the white girl!”    God had a marvelous tendency to use  average people in scripture to work out his will. I often think of Mary who upon being pregnant with Jesus said ”He is been mindful fo the humble state of his servant.”  I am led to believe that Mary was an average woman and yet God chose her to bear our Saviour. I am offering  to the Lord my averageness for Him to  pour out and  accomplish His purposes and love others well. 

2)Being Forgiving–  I feel like I am a forgiving person and yet the person at the checkout who treats me like an idiot or someone hurting me in deeper ways seem to stay with me longer than I am comfortable.  I tend to allow it to effect the way I interact with my kids and with David fot the rest of the day.  I also know I do not feel forgiven- I carry alot of guilt and the weight of it all keeps me from being poured out at all. “Bear with one another and forgive whatever grieveances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” COL 3:13.  I want to be quick to forgive and even quicker to ask for forgiveness.  I am offering this to God that he might pour out His forgiveness of me so others might drink of it.   With an empty glass then Christ can continue to refill my cup with His forgiveness of me.

3)Being Generous–  I like my stuff.  You know that stuff.  We all have it.  Those things we hourd yet we absoulutely do not know why.  “why would I part with these shoes…they might come back in style.”  While meanwhile there are people without shoes period. There are people who might need a listening ear and I find myself waying  how it might alter my day to give up that time.  And yet there are so many who give up their time to listen to me.  I am that mom who goes to birthday parties without a gift in tow because I dont’ feel like it “fits” into our budget. Yes I admitted it.  I do things like that all the time. I am so embarrassed by it an yet try to make some excuse  for it…that we live month to month..that I am trying to be frugal- after all we live on  a youth pastor’s salary.  Which by the way we can live fine off of and still be generous so what is my problem?    I am greedy and selfish…UGH.  The most horrible thing about it all is how generous others and the church have been to us.  “But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this?  EVERYTHING comes from you…”  1Chronicles 29:14.  I desire to offer my generosity this next year-I want to be free to give and give freely.  I would love God to pour out through me His generosity not only with money but with my time as well.  Oh Lord please show me where and how to give and be willing to give up my comfort for others.

4)Being Hopeful– Most therapists don’t offer much hope for me outside of medication to reign in my racing mind( I am allergic to the medications)   My endocrinologist says “You are a confusing case as your bloodwork doesn’t match what your body is doing.”  I have heard this from most every doctor I have ever had.  She, however, gave us hope that we might be able to conceive again and wants to help us try.   Hope  is a hard notion to reconcile after the year we have had.  I am wondering where my hope actually lies.  In the Lord? in doctors? in myself?  So often I think I am not hoping in the right things because I do not want to be dissapointed anymore.  How do I offer hope when I don’t know if I have any to pour out?  I have been told to hope in life to come..heaven persay…I have trouble hoping in that way.  What about hope for the living-how do we have hope in this life?   I stumbled on the verse In Zechariah “Return to your fortress, O prisoners of Hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.”  I have been using this verse to ask God to bless us with twin girls….is it wrong to hope for this being this is a “worldy prayer?    But then the word prisoner stuck out to me.  What does it mean to be a prisoner of hope?  Confined by hope so there is no escaping. What kind of hope is God promising here?   IF God does not answer my prayers do I still pray for and give hope to others who are praying for their own miracles.  I want to offer my hopefulness to others…but not a hope of what we can do.   A hope of what we can’t do-save ourselves.  God’s pouring out his wrath on His Son is the only hope I have for my wretched heart.  I want Him to pour out this hope through me with steady hand so that the glass will be full and I may offer it to other thirsty souls.

We love our time at Grandfather mountain and Gingercake, NC during the Thanksgiving holidays.  It is so beautiful up there and we are so blessed to spend our time with the Mcneelys and Steve and Rachel Davis.  I have the most wonderful in-laws and am so thankful for the constant love they have shown towards me.  Steve and Rachel, well, I love more than I can really express in words…they are just fun, easy, and so cool to be with.  I admire them both and cherish the time we get to spend with them every year.  Steve and Rachel help me have a little culture and make me think of life in new ways(you guys didn’t know all that did you?) 

 As I am living out the holiday season I was thinking of holidays in days past and I felt the Lord wanted me to remember and pray:

for those who  children will never know the wonderment of the holiday-May God somehow bring them peace and comfort

for those who had to let go of someone too soon and their seat in the room or at the table saddens their hearts-may God make allow their memories to bring great solace and even some laughter

for those who are in in-house treatment for addictions to strong to conquer alone-May God grant you strength and may His arms hold you in the lonliness of missing your family and your family missing you

for those who are bound to addictions, struggling to make it through the temptations and anxieties that  the holidays brings-May God somehow renew your mind and body and His love would pour over you.

for those who are awaiting the adoption of children-May God grant them endurance and they wait and hope for good news.

for those who have no worries, Halleluyah!!-May God  allow them to cherish  the blessing of the holiday,of  who He is, and who He came to save. 

“And HE will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”  Isaiah9

It hits me unaware.  I will be going along just fine, even having great moments of joy and all of a sudden a trigger just explodes and the grief and sorrow come shooting out and I am dissolved to tears.  Arms aching to hold Bradford again…heart breaking at never hearing her laughter…no little dresses or dolls…no wonderment of holidays and birthdays…a void in our home I cannot explain.  I assumed life would eventually sweep us away, the grief would become a distant memory, and our lives would be “normal” again after time went by.  I now am understanding that their will never be normal again and our lives have forever been changed…my relationship with my Lord has been forever changed…and my view of this world has forever been changed.  Normalcy has no place anymore and as the tears cease to flow somedays. I beg God to show me what am I to do with thisstrong emotion.  I do not want to lose hope but what does that mean?  Where does my hope lie anyway?

We have recently begun working with a reproductive endocrinologist to figure out what in the world is going on in my body. I have not had a period in over 14 years.   How did I get pregnant anyway?  We are left to believe in it all that God specifically formed Bradford to take her away.  Dear Lord what kind of God does that? Can He be trusted?  So here in lies our dilemma with the God we thought we had come to know over the 36 years of life.  Our theology and view of GOd has taken a blow that has left us bruised and bleeding…with very little fight in us anymore.  We are faced now with some hard decisions as it relates to becoming pregnant and I can’t seem to find any answers.  GOd didn’t need anything to allow me to be pregnant so why do we have to try stuff to get pregnant again?  Why the constant struggle…its only seems to lead to despair.  Can’t it just be easy for once?  We are too old and too poor to be pursuing fertility treatments and yet the longing to bear children is so strong- a war which constantly rages within me.  Not to mention if I did get pregnant-would got take that baby too?  He certainly is capable.  You can imagine I just want peace.  I do not want to be obsessed or worried over it all but as many women know it is hard not to be.  I have prayed that God would take the desire away. 

I will confess a longstanding sin in all of this.  I find myself resentful of women who get pregnant so easily and take it for granted.  ANd of course, where does that lead but an inability to love them which is so hanus.  I want to shake my fist at God and say “why do I have to do all this…gain the weight…”let it go”…take medication…make sure our sex life is in great…make sure I am “doing” everything right…while other women who are smaller than me…some don’t even want kids…some are on meth…(youcan tell where this is going)  I am telling you…HANUS and so from the pit of hell.  O God..”Proclaim freedom” for me-the captive of death and destructive thinking. 

 ”Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is praiseworthy-think about such things.” Phil 4:8.

O LOrd this is where I want to be.  Please set this captive free…show me how to think on such things that edify and encourage.  Help me to use this pain to bind up the brokenhearted..to be a comfort to those who mourn.  Use this mess Lord.  Use Bradford.  Use me to: bestow beauty to those I am resentful of, to give the oil of gladness to those I am jealous of, to wrap a garment of praise around those who are grieved and facing despair.  God you have got to help me look beyond myself and my pain…I have nto the strength in those moments.  You do.  “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor…they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61  Grant me the strength of an oak, rooted and steadfast,  blown by the wind, but not destroyed, so I might display your glory.

What would Jesus be like on Facebook?  I am not trying to be disrepectful but would he have to ask the disciples to be his friend….would they confirm the Almighty’s request…would they start a fan club?  How many friends would He have anyway?  and oh the pictures and statuses….”I just tagged my thumb with a hammer” ….”wonder when my parents will realize I didn’t come home from the temple?”….”only one came back to thank me”….”will my disicples ever get a clue?”….”It is finished!”  And his pictures…would he upload the wedding pictures…have family photos by the fig trees…dare someone put the unbecoming picture of the cross?   I really don’t think Jesus would be a facebook kind of guy - human touch was too important to Him.   During His journey on Earth His healings mostly used human touch and face to face interaction.   I believe He wanted people to experience this intimacy.   Jesus spoke to the woman at the well so intimately in saying ”Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,  but whoever drinks the water I give Him will never thirst.”  John 4:13  Jesus knows the “water” of this world will never satisfy us.  I think all the technology is great fun and can be useful in so many ways in our lives.  I want to be sure though I am seeking intimacy with my saviour  first and pouring that “water”  out to the lives around me.  I want to desire His water and Spirit to fill my soul so I will taste the satisfaction of a quenching intimacy with Him.  Nothing false or photoshoped…just the true son of God.

He has cleansed me and washed me-I go and mess it all up- He comes back again and cleans me…after all He just wants me to be ready for His arrival. “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.” Psalm 51:2

I go through some days kicking and screaming in rebellion and through tears… sometimes He leaves me there..knowing its what is best for my life.   At the end of the day I will come home- glad I went through it after all(my son did).  “Come let us return to the Lord..He has torn us to pieces BUT He will heal us, He has injured us but will bind up our wounds..He will restore us that we may live in His presence.”  Hosea 6

I continue to beg for crumbs…He  tenderly picks me up and shows me the feast He has prepared for me. ”you prepare a table before me…my cup overflows…surely goodness and love will follow me.” Psalm 23

 I throw His kindness back in His face and say “I don’t like this”  and expose my ungrateful and spoiled heart. God remains stedfast and so patient with me…”The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, forgiving wickedness, rebellion, and sin.” Exodus 34:6

As my days live out I pray that when my impatience arises(and it will) that he will remind me…and whisper His patience to me.

I have been blessed by reading the book, “Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow” by Nancy Guthrie.  She has given me a new perspective on God’s hand in the hard parts of our lives.  There are a few instances in Scripture where God allows suffering.    However,  more often He is the author of the hardship that is sent.   In her book she states ”I fully recognize and respect that many faithful believers will say that God “allows” suffering into our lives.  Perhaps part of our struggle is the inadequacy of language-we are limited by the mere words in our discussion of God’s role in suffering which is beyond our complete comprehension and articulation.  But as we take Scripture at face value, we see that God did not merely “allow” many of the events and actions we would label bad or evil, but he actively sent them, intended them, gave them.  Perhaps the best word is that He ORDAINED them.” p.79

I have mulled over these words the past weeks and  began seeing more clearly God’s true character.  I often am lead back to the quote from C.S. Lewis, “He’s not safe…but He is good.”  How can that be?  Somehow it just is and the Lord owes me NO EXPLANATION.  HE is God and HE is in control of everything that befalls us good and horrible.  What kind of God would he be if He didn’t control the bad as well…pretty wimpy really.  That is not a character trait of the God I know… “With my great power and outstetched arm I made the Earth and its people and the animals that are on it, and I give it to anyone I please.” Jeremiah 27:5 I am not seeing a nonchalant God there.  So I am left to face God with losing Bradford…I am angry but know I will come to a healthier side of anger in the end as I wrestle with Him.   After all HE is bigger and stronger than me and I imagine after I give up the struggle and go limp He will just hold me and cry with me.

 I thought about God’s character depicted as a shepherd as I walked the twins to school today.  “I am the good shepherd.” John 10.    I felt like I was sending them to the wolves as I watched them walk away with bookbags as big as they are.  I realized my design as a mom is to be the staff for my children.  So often I want to be the shepherd and control where they go and what they do… but GOD actually is.  He loves them more than even I can.   He uses me as his staff to draw them to Himself and uses the Holy Spirit as a staff to draw me to Himself.  They don’t know yet the “Holy Spirit guidance” so I believe I am to be the instrument to extend His hand of guidance and comfort.   “…your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23.     I just love the fact that He indeed is my shepherd. my protector. my guide. my provider. my rescuer. my peace. my comforter. my healer.  Oh how I pray I am a strong staff that brings our boys in to see the nature of the good shepherd and our Great God.  yes, so very humbling..but then again that’s the nature of our shepherd isn’t it? And I so want to be more like HIM.