Mattress Police

The MF'ing Blog Tour!

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:59:00 GMT

The Mercury Falls Blog Tour (also known as the MF'ing Blog Tour) is in full swing! Today I'm over at Jeff's place, The View From the Cloud.

And in case you missed it, check out my interview with Matt from The Church of No People from last Friday.

Tomorrow (Tuesday), I'll be over at Reading for Sanity.

I'll announce more appearances as the dates firm up.

Still not sated? Here are some blogger reviews of Mercury Falls that have popped up over the past couple of weeks:

Disclaimer: Some of these bloggers bought Mercury Falls and some of them received free copies. None of them received any other type of compensation.

If you've reviewed Mercury Falls and your blog isn't listed here, let me know and I'll add it. Also let me know ASAP if you'd like to be included on the MF'ing Blog Tour. Leave a comment or send an email to the address on the sidebar. Thanks!

V for Velocity (or, How not to remake a classic scifi miniseries)

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:38:00 GMT

When I heard that ABC was remaking the classic 80s alien invasion miniseries V, I have to admit I got a little tingly. Having seen what the SciFi (now SyFy) Channel did with an interstellar cheese-fest like Battlestar Galactica, I couldn't help but entertain high hopes for an updated production of V featuring modern day visual effects like computer generated spaceships, grisly CSI-like reveals of reptilian skin beneath human flesh, and Morena Baccarin.

Unfortunately, someone at ABC completely misunderstood the project, and rather than remaking the V miniseries, they ended up remaking the forgettable V television series that limped along after the miniseries for a few months before being put down like a sick dog.

The pilot crashes through key plot points like an addict overturning dishes in a desperate search for a fix. First, three questions flash on the screen in rapid sequence:

"Where were you when JFK was killed?"

and:

"Where were you on 9/11?"

and finally:

"Where were you this morning?"

I suppose these questions are meant to be ominous-sounding, but for me the answers are:

1. Not yet born.
2. Wow, really? This had better be damn good if you're playing the 9/11 card.
3. In bed, sleeping soundly because aliens have not invaded my planet.

So, now that I've been alienated, offended and reminded that this is a work of fiction with no bearing on my real life, I'm all ready to enjoy the show. Oh, did I mention they left out the creepy cool music that was one of the best parts of the original? And that the awesome Muse song "Uprising" that they used in the commercials doesn't appear anywhere in the show? Okay, cool.

Obligatory scene setting up strained relationship between single mother/impossibly attractive FBI agent and her miscreant son. Obligatory scene with mysterious handsome dude buying an engagement ring. Obligatory scene with Party of Five dude as talking head who can't get no respect. Ok, we have characters. Cue the alien spaceships.

Spaceships appear. "We are of peace," the Visitors say. And we all think, "Wait, you're of peace? What exactly does that..." NEVERMIND, WE HAVE COME TO SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS. WELL, MOST OF THEM. WE CAN CURE 65 DISEASES." "65 disease? That's an oddly specific..." "STOP ASKING QUESTIONS OR WE'LL NEVER GET THROUGH THIS."

Warning: Spoilers ahead. I mean, if you never saw the original. Because the new one is exactly the same.

In a breathless 40 minutes, we learn that (1) The V's* are really reptiles; (2) The V's have a secret evil plan for humanity that may or may not involve eating live hamsters; (3) Some V's have been living hidden among us for years; (4) An underground resistance movement is organizing to resist the V's; (5) Some of the V's living on earth are really on our side; (6) The island is really just Hurley's dream.

Okay, I made up number six.**

Now some of you are thinking, "Dude, chill. They had to zip through the whole 'they're really evil lizards' thing because we all know the story already." To you, I respond, "Uhhh... So you're remaking a movie by essentially playing the original movie in fast forward? What's the point of THAT?" If you're going to remake a movie, remake the movie. Don't rehash the movie in 45 minutes so you can get to something more important.

And who's to say a remake would just have to be a carbon copy of the original? Look what the writers did with Battlestar Galactica. While staying essentially true to the mythology of the original, they created a much more nuanced and engaging series -- stretching it out over the course of several seasons, I might add. Imagine if the writers of the new Battlestar Galactica had been told, "Look, we all know they get to Earth eventually, so you've got to get that out of the way in the first episode." Then, having zipped through all the "stuff we know already," they could dive right into the much more memorable and riveting Galactica 1980. Yeah, remember that? At least they got the name right: the Galactica spinoff lasted a single season. Sensing a pattern?

How about making the V's really likable before revealing them to be evil lizards? Or better yet, maybe there is some dissension in the ranks? Or maybe the V's really do have the best intentions: maybe they really are here to "help," the way W. "helped" Iraq. I mean, come on, V. You're moving so fast, you're bound to run into W pretty quick anyway.

But instead of working in any kind of subtle political message, V. whacks us on the head with red herrings. "So," Party of Five guy asks the HAIC*** when she mentions the V's' plan to care for the sick, "You're talking about universal health care." Way to go with the current cultural reference, Party of Five guy. Did they write your script like a Mad Lib, with a blank spot for you to fill in TOPIC OF CURRENT INTEREST? The only thing that would have made that interview more painful would have been if Party of Five guy had broken in with, "I'm'a let you finish, V's, but Independence Day had one of the best alien invasions of ALL TIME."

So, the big question: Will I be tuning in next week? Well, of course I will. The show has Elizabeth Mitchell, Lourdes Benedicto, Laura Vandervoort and Morena Baccarin. Who cares whether half of them are evil space lizards?

*Shortened from "Visitors" about 12 seconds into the pilot. We don't have time for three syllables!

**And by "made up", I mean "stole from 30 Rock"

***Hot Alien In Charge. Not to be confused with HUAC.

Police Blotter of the Gods

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 12:18:00 GMT

OLYMPUS 10/25 ? Domestic Disturbance: Police were summoned to the residence of Zeus and his wife Metis when neighbors complained of ?a sound like somebody being eaten.? Officers found Zeus in his front yard, naked and apparently intoxicated. When questioned about the whereabouts of his pregnant wife Metis, Zeus claimed that she had ?gone to the Circle K for some smokes.? Officers escorted Zeus inside the dwelling, where he fell asleep in an easy chair. His daughter, Athena, then emerged fully grown and outfitted for war, from his forehead. She declined to press charges.

**********

OLYMPUS 10/26 ? Contract Dispute: Police received a call from one Atlas, who claimed he had been cheated by local celebrity Hercules. According to Atlas, Hercules had promised to hold up the sky for him while Atlas retrieved several golden apples from the garden of Hera and deliver them to King Eurystheus. Atlas claimed that Hercules had asked Atlas to ?take the sky back for just a sec? while Hercules rearranged his cloak for padding on his shoulders. Atlas said that he agreed to this, but once he had taken the sky back on his own shoulders, Hercules simply left, saying ?See ya, wouldn?t want to be ya.?

When reminded that stealing apples is a crime, Atlas retracted his statement, claiming there had been a ?big misunderstanding.? Officers considered taking Atlas in for questioning, but decided it would be best for all parties if he continued to hold up the sky.

**********

CRETE 10/28 ? Prison Escape: Police were alerted when it was learned that a prisoner of the Labyrinth Correctional Facility, one Theseus, escaped after killing the prison warden, Tobias ?Toby? Gertner, a well-known and respected Minotaur. It is unknown how Theseus was able to escape from the supposedly impenetrable maze, nor how the guards missed the fact that the prisoner had concealed a three foot sword inside his garments.

The Labyrinth has been shut down pending an official review, with one prison official stating, ?I never did understand why they didn?t just build a big wall around the place.? A detective investigating the scene noted, ?The whole thing smells like bullshit to me.?

Get the Mercury Falls ebook free!

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 09:10:00 GMT

You guys remember Joel from Crummy Church Signs, right? Well, he has just come out with a new album (under the name "The Sinai Alliance") called "Though The Darkness Hide Thee...." "TTDHT" is is a collection of old hymns with new, modern rock arrangements and production. Same lyrics, same melody, different sound and feel. You can get the whole thing from Amazon for $7.99. And get this: Joel and I have worked out a deal where if you buy "TTDHT" by this Friday, November 6, you can get a coupon to download my novel, Mercury Falls, absolutely FREE! Details on the Sinai Alliance website.

It's a little early for reviews of "TTDHT", but Mercury Falls is getting a phenomenal reception. The latest Amazon reviewer notes:

While "self published" usually means "in need of an editor," that is not the case with this novel. Tight writing, excellent plot development, well rounded characters, and snappy dialogue make this one of the most entertaining novels of the year.

So far Mercury Falls has gotten sixteen 5 star reviews on Amazon! (And no, these people are not all friends of mine. Come on, I don't have 16 friends!) Order the paperback here or go here to get the ebook free.

I am working on international distribution and an audio version. Hopefully I'll have some news on those items in a week or two.

Speaking of audiobooks, Mark Rayner's latest novel, Marvellous Hairy, is now available in full for free at Podiobooks. You may know Mark as the slightly deranged and simian-obsessed man behind the blog The Skwib. You can also buy Marvellous Hairy from Amazon or directly from the publisher.

Mercury Falls is now available on Kindle!

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Yes, the day you've been waiting for is here. My novel, Mercury Falls, is finally available for the Kindle. It's only $5. Order it here.

The reaction to the paperback version has been overwhelming. So far it's gotten five 5-star reviews! One reviewer (an Amazon Top 500 Reviewer) wrote:

Not since Kevin Smith's Dogma has such a heavy theological concept been portrayed so hysterically. Actually, Mercury Falls reads a bit like Dogma if it were scripted by Christopher Moore or maybe Chuck Klosterman. Kroese balances his apocalyptic subject matter with razor sharp dialogue and abundant pop culture references that had me glued to the book with a big grin on my face the whole time...when I wasn't laughing out loud, of course. How many books can accomplish that? Whether holding forth on intraplanar mass transit and the heavenly bureaucracy or the best way to get red wine out of a cashmere sweater, Kroese's words flow in an absolutely compelling manner. Each sentence seems like an effortlessly constructed work of satirical genius that without a doubt requires additional reading(s).

Another reviewer says:

Recalling Christopher Moore at his drollest, and Eric Dezenhall at his most irreverent, Robert Kroese hits the nail squarely on the head. Some of the dialogue is so witty, so Wildean, that you think you must have read those jokes before, but you haven't. It's all original.

Thanks to all of you for your support in my quest to get this novel out there and get it noticed!

Something that I've been needing to get off my chest

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:27:00 GMT

To the boys of my fifth grade class who were in attendance at Jeff Cornell?s 11th birthday party:

Hey fellas!

Wow, it?s been a while, hasn?t it? Let me get right to the point. I suppose you all remember Jeff Cornell?s 11th birthday party, where we slept over at his house at watched ?The Rockford Files.? I?m sure we watched other stuff too, but I specifically remember watching ?The Rockford Files? because ?The Incredible Hulk? was on at the same time. Initially we were all in agreement that we should watch ?The Incredible Hulk? because, after all, we were fifth grade boys, and what could be better than watching Lou Ferrigno smash through papier mache walls?

Yep, that was a great show ? although I think we can agree that it could have used more Hulk and less David Banner. The tone of the show was all wrong; it should have been all about the Incredible Hulk and how awesome he was, and how much it sucked to have to keep turning back into Bill Bixby all the time. Every episode should have ended with the Hulk trudging along the side of the road, screaming at cars and trying to keep himself amped up so that he wouldn?t turn back into that little dork from ?The Courtship of Eddie?s Father.? I wish I could turn into Lou Ferrigno when somebody pissed me off, even if it did mean going deaf and having to buy new pants.

Anyway, the point is that I?m fully aware of how awesome ?The Incredible Hulk? was, and how disappointing it must have been to miss an episode, especially given the fact that nobody in our class would have a VCR until 1983. So I'm frankly at a loss to explain my behavior that evening. I?m not sure if it was my unfamiliar surroundings or what, but when the opening sequence of ?The Incredible Hulk? came on, it scared the crap out of me. You have to admit, when David Banner gets bombarded with gamma radiation and green blobs start taking over his circulatory system, well, that?s some scary shit to a sensitive ten year old away from home. You may recall that I begged you guys to change the channel, and eventually Jeff?s mom took pity on me and suggested that we watch ?The Rockford Files? instead. You guys were pissed off at me the rest of the night and then you made fun of me the next day at school.

Let me be clear that I don't hold any of that against you. Obviously, given the unmitigated awesomeness of ?The Incredible Hulk,? I was in the wrong. After all, what fifth grader wants to watch James Garner as a smartass P.I. when he could be watching Lou Ferrigno tossing boulders as if they were made of styrofoam (which, now that I think about it, they probably were)?

Here?s what gets me, though. Do you guys remember that big cloth bag full of stuffed animals that Jim brought to the sleepover? I mean, teddy bears, bunny rabbits, raccoons, all kinds of baby shit like that? Where, I'm wondering, was the mockery for that? What the hell kind of sissy fifth grader brings a cloth sack filled with stuffed animals to a sleepover birthday party? You guys are all glaring at me for making you watch ?The Rockford Files? (and by the way, I caught an episode on cable the other day and it holds up reasonably well), and meanwhile Jim is sitting there ensconced in a pile of cuddly bears and bunny rabbits. A little consistency would be nice, that?s all I?m saying.

Your pal,
Rob

Mercury Falls now on Amazon!

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:51:00 GMT

If you're like me, you're sick to death of these posts about my novel, Mercury Falls, so I'll keep this short.

Mercury Falls is now available through Amazon.com. Just click here to order it.

There has been a slight delay with the Kindle version; Amazon says they are "reviewing" it. I expect it to be available by Oct. 7. The Kindle version will cost $5.00.

A PDF version will also be available shortly, also for $5.00. I'll probably do a free podcast eventually if I can find the time.

Those of you who pre-ordered or won copies should be receiving them some time next week (a bit longer if you're outside the U.S.).

If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here to read more about Mercury Falls.

Thanks to all of you for making Mercury Falls a big success!

Last Day to Pre-Order Mercury Falls!

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:41:00 GMT

In case you've somehow missed my emails, Facebook updates, tweets and smoke signals on the matter, today is the last day to pre-order a signed copy of my novel, Mercury Falls. To pre-order, go here and click the big "Buy Now" button. After midnight tonight (California time), you'll have to order your copy, unsullied by my pen, from Amazon. The book is $12 + shipping ($3 in the U.S.).

If you've already pre-ordered or won a copy and you're wondering when you're going to get it, fret not! I plan to spend all weekend signing and packing books, so you should receive your copy next week (a little longer if you're overseas).

Thanks for your support!

All Good Things...

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 11:53:00 GMT

That's kind of a cruel post title, isn't it? Okay, so let's get this out of the way: no, I'm still not giving up on Mattress Police. Ideas for stupid little essays keep popping into my head, and as long as that keeps happening, this blog will keep going. Yay!

What is coming to an end is Humor-Blogs.com/Blog-Storm.com as we know it. Long story short, the sites cost too much for me to keep offering H-B/B-S as a free service. Starting October 1, to be listed on H-B/B-S, you will need to purchase a yearly subscription for $20.

Yes, I realize this will decimate the H-B/B-S community, and that charging for such a service is an ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE. You can protest this change by signing up for a $20 subscription. Non-paying protesters will be ignored or mocked mercilessly.

Why, here's one now, with his response to an email I sent to H-B members regarding this change:

I am so sorry. I make no money from my blogging. I blog for pleasure, I steadfastly refuse to click on adsense and the like, I refuse to have adsense and the like associated with my blogs. I blog for pleasure. My blogging takes about an 8 hour day to complete. I have never paid for anything on the internet and I never will, IMHO if it's there its public domain. I am removing all reference to Humor-Blogs and Blog-Storm from my sites. Please close my account. I am un-subsribing from your e-mails.
I anticipate I will not be the only one. For me this is a sad day as I have enjoyed my association with you. I am not in favor of commerce in blogging, even though I have not been that active.

For those of you who don't speak Techno-Utopian in the Moron dialect, here's a translation:

I think the Internet is run by fairies who provide server space, software development and network bandwidth for free to all the good children of the world. I blog for pleasure, by which I mean that nobody reads my blog. Did I mention that I blog for pleasure? Yep, not a single reader. Furthermore, the fact that I spend 8 hours a day developing shitty content that no one wants entitles me to take content from anyone else on the Internet. This is not stealing because if it were stealing, it would be much harder to do, and somebody would probably stop me. I have never paid for anything on the Internet, because I think that artists, writers and musicians get paid way too much already. When I buy books and music, I buy it from my local retailer, where I can be assured that 95% of the money I spend goes to someone other than the actual content producer. Content on the internet should not be monetized, by which I mean GIMME IT FOR FREE.

It's a truly ascetic life Mr. Public Domain leads, taking advantage of free services while forbidding himself from doing anything to support them. I understand that he also abstains from alcohol, tobacco and red meat unless someone else is paying for them. Jackass.

If you have a site listed on Humor-Blogs.com or Blog-Storm.com, please support the sites by going here to sign up for a one year membership. If it's not worth it to you to pay $20 to keep your site listed, that's totally okay with me -- just keep in mind that it's worth even less to me, especially if you're a jackass. :)

Oh, I almost forgot: if you sign up before Oct. 1, I will throw in a free copy of my novel, Mercury Falls! With shipping, that's a $15 value! (This offer is only available in the U.S. If you've already pre-ordered MF and want to apply your purchase toward your membership, email me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com).

Thanks!

House, Plumber

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 10:16:00 GMT

In a world not too different from our own, there is a man whose plumbing expertise is so impressive that his customers and co-workers have no choice but to put up with his unparalleled arrogance and eccentricity. That man is Gregory House, plumber. (This post is dedicated to my favorite Jocelyn, for reasons she will understand.)

Plumbing Dispatcher Cuddy: I have a case you may be interested in, House.

House: Does it involve me squeezing my face between your boobs?

Cuddy: 50-year-old Colonial, with no history of plumbing problems. All the water coming out of the faucets is green.

House: Corrosion in the copper.

Cuddy: The pipes are galvanized steel.

House: I love it when you say ?galvanized.? Especially when I?m not really listening because I?m thinking about your boobs.

Cuddy: Seriously, House. How do you explain green corrosion with steel pipes?

House: The same way I explain the popularity of Dane Cook. Coincidentally, I also have the same amount of interest.

Cuddy: Can we just skip the part where you pretend you're not interested? I have a lot of other plumbers to supervise.

House: Okay, but I want to mention two more things first.

Cuddy: What?

House: Your boobs.

House: How do you get green water with galvanized steel pipes?

Plumbing Lackey #1: Copper fittings. Reaction between the copper and steel causes corrosion in the copper.

House: Did you miss the part where I mentioned that the pipes were galvanized steel? There was a guy here a minute ago who looked just like you. He even had the same vacant stare and sickening desire to please.

PL #2: Siphon effect. A garden house connected to a spigot is pulling sewage out of the septic system.

House: That?s about as likely as your mother getting pregnant from her stripper pole.

PL #3: So what should we do?

House: Check for fecal matter in the pipes.

PL #1: I thought you said it wasn?t sewage.

House: I said that Lackey #2?s mother was a fan-dancing heroin addict, not that he was wrong. Check the pipes for sewage. I?ll be over at Unrelated Subplot with Plumber Wilson if you need me.

The team finds trace amounts of fecal matter in the water. House tells them to install a filter on supply line.

PL #1: Well, I guess that?s all it was. Another plumbing problem solved!

PL #3: Get House! The pipes are seizing!

House: Flush the whole system with hydrochloric acid.

PL #2: But House! If you?re wrong?!

House: And if I?m right?

PL #1: So that?s all it was? Green food coloring?

House: Yep. Of course, now that we?ve flushed the whole system with acid, all the pipes will have to be replaced.

PL #2: So there was nothing wrong with the plumbing, but in trying to fix a nonexistent problem, we destroyed it?

House: Yes. Ironic, isn?t it?

PL #3: And now we have to replace all the plumbing in the house, but we can?t replace it without tearing the house apart. But if we destroy the house, then it won?t need plumbing any more.

House: Correct. Also ironic.

PL #1: House, while tearing out the old plumbing, I found that one of the walls was entirely filled with highly flammable methane gas! If we hadn?t accidentally destroyed the plumbing, we would never have found it, and the house could have exploded at any moment!

House: Wow, that?s also very ironic.

PL #2: And I found a patch of toxic mold that kills anybody who gets near it.

PL #3: So? we?re all going to die?

House: Yes, but if we?d have left well enough alone and let the building explode, it would have incinerated the mold and we?d all be fine.

PL #1: Man, that?s really ironic.

House: Not as ironic as that galvanized pipe, though. (House pops a handful of pills).

PL #3: House? is that Vicodin?!

House: I need it for my condition.

PL #2: Plumber?s crack isn?t a medical condition, House.

House: Who said anything about medicine?

THE END

I'd Rather Be Quilting in a Beach House

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 08:12:00 GMT

I?m back. I still can?t tell you why I stopped blogging exactly, but I can tell you why I started up again. The urge to blog hit me on the way in to work a few days ago, when I saw a bumper sticker that read:

I would rather be quilting in a beach house.

Something about the sheer unapologetic arbitrariness of that bumper sticker caused something to stir deep within my soul. It?s the same sort of sensation that I feel when I drive past the Knife Store on the corner of Sisk and Pelandale. I think, ?Sure, you could have opened a Mexican restaurant or an auto parts store, but you looked at that location between the Japanese takeout place and Supercuts and thought, ?Aha! The perfect location for my knife store!? I?ve never been inside the Knife Store, and I don?t know anyone who has, but somehow just knowing that somebody can open a knife store wherever they damn well please is a source of encouragement for me. It?s a testament to the indominatable spirit of human individuality and not opening yet another Mexican restaurant. ?Why a knife store?? you might ask, to which I respond, ?Why not a knife store??

And yet, my fascination with the ?quilting in a beach house? bumper sticker goes beyond even my appreciation for the irrepressible arbitrariness of the human spirit. I can only assume that the middle-aged woman who was driving the car had had this bumper sticker custom-made to her specifications; a Google search for ?I would rather be quilting in a beach house? turns up nothing (I had half-expected to discover a catalog of other such absurdly specific bumper stickers, such as ?My son was not student of the month at Hughson Elementary School because he was edged out by that kissass Tyler Wagenbach? or ?My other car is slightly smaller than this one, and also teal?).

So. This woman had that bumper sticker made specifically to communicate to the world that if she had her druthers, she would at this moment not be driving, but rather quilting ? and not quilting anywhere, but in a beach house.

And not ?my beach house? or ?our beach house? or ?the beach house,? mind you. Just ?a beach house.? As if any old beach house would do. While I tailed this woman on State Highway 132, I entertained the possibility that perhaps she spent her evenings casing beach houses with an eye for one that was ripe for quilting. Then, when the time was right, she would scamper through an open window, dragging her quilting supplies in a tote bag emblazoned with ?I?m not a quitter? I?m a quilter!? (or something equally pithy) behind her. She would sink into a comfy rattan easy chair, haul out her supplies and exult in the unparalleled joy of illicit beach house quilting.

Or perhaps she nurses fond childhood memories of quilting at her family?s beach house ? idyllic summer days when only the failing light would eventually force her to take a respite from quilting, and then only to slip into a dream of stitching together the ocean and the sky. ?I wish we could stay here forever,? she would say to her mother as she drifted off to sleep, and her mother would nod, staring wistfully out to sea. That was the summer before Daddy left, and her mother had had to go back to work and sell the beach house. She had returned years later only to find that the whole neighborhood had been torn down to make room for a condominium complex.

Or maybe she?s never actually experienced the pleasure of quilting in a beach house, and it?s merely a dream of hers ? possibly a notion sparked by something she once saw in Better Homes & Gardens, a picture of an attractive suburbanite housewife curled up on a leather couch and absently fingering a half-completed quilt while beatifically regarding a puffy clouds in an azure sky hanging lazily over white-crested waves. Affecting a well-timed cough, she tore the picture from the magazine while sitting in her dentist?s waiting room, and even today, seventeen years later, she still carries it everywhere she goes, the much-creased picture slowly fading as surely as the dream itself.

Whatever the case, I hope that she gets to quilt in a beach house some day soon, and that the experience is all that she hopes it will be. Frankly, it sounds like a miserable experience to me, but I suppose I?m not the quilting type. In fact, to me ?quilting in a beach house? sounds like shorthand for deliberately missing the point of an experience, like ?Eating at McDonald?s in Paris? or ?Driving a Ferrari in first gear.? (I?m sure there?s an actual expression for what I mean, but I can?t think of one. Or maybe there isn?t, and ?quilting in a beach house? will really take off.) I mean, you can quilt anywhere. Why waste a perfectly good beach house? Go outside already.

Yeah, so I?m blogging again. Probably not on any kind of regular schedule, but I'll try to post once a week or so. Hey, it beats quilting in a beach house.

Pre-ordering for Mercury Falls is now open!

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 08:59:00 GMT

Many of you have asked me, "Diesel, since I missed out on my chance to win a copy of Mercury Falls, is there a way for me to get a signed copy?"

Others have asked, "Diesel, I live in a faraway land, such as South Africa or Australia. Will I be able to get a copy of Mercury Falls?"

Still others have asked, "Diesel, the first part of that last quote was actually a statement, not a question. Is it really appropriate to preface it with 'Others have asked'? Is this the sort of writing we can expect in your novel?"

Finally, still still others have asked, "Diesel, can I get multiple copies so I can give them out to my friends and family -- without having to pay outrageous shipping costs?"

I'm happy to announce that the answers to all of these questions is YES!

From now through September 30, 2009, you can pre-order signed copies of Mercury Falls. Be the first of your peer group to have a copy -- and the only one to have a copy that appears to have been scribbled in by a fourth grade boy with severe palsy! (Seriously, my handwriting is terrible. If you'd rather I not write in your book, please specify that in the inscription instructions. I'll totally understand.) The cost is only $12.00 U.S. plus shipping. Your book will be shipped by 10/1/2009.

I particularly recommend pre-ordering the book if you are outside the U.S./Canada. Initially Mercury Falls will only be available on Amazon.com. I don't know when it will be available overseas. Additionally, you can save a lot on shipping if you pre-order multiple copies because you will only be charged for shipping on the first copy. So if you're in, say, Hyderabad, and you want 100 copies for your friends and co-workers, you are definitely going to want to pre-order them. The books, that is; not your friends. I understand you can pre-order friends from some of the former Soviet satellite states, but you're kind of on your own there.

Click here to pre-order Mercury Falls.

Click here if you're all like, "Mercury Falls? What the hell is that?"

And hey, if a gajillion of you pre-order it, I might just be so happy that I'll have to do an honest-to-goodness post that has nothing to do with my novel! Stay tuned!

More Shilling for my Novel!

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 20:39:00 GMT

But wait, this is good. I've finally come up with some details about how you can win a copy.

Here's how it will work: From now until August 31, I will give away one copy for every five new fans of MERCURY FALLS. For example, right now there are 270 fans of MERCURY FALLS. When that number hits 275, I will randomly select one fan to receive a free copy. When it hits 280, I'll select another, and so on. I will DM/email the winners and post their names on the fan page (unless a winner requests that his/her name not be shared).

Several of you have mentioned that you would prefer to buy a copy than win one, which sounds a little crazy to me, but whatever. If you're one of those people and you happen to win, please just accept the book -- you can always give it away to a friend and buy another copy later, if you insist on giving me your money.

I never planned to make money on this book. All I want to do is get as many copies out there as possible. So please don't be shy about encouraging your friends to become fans of MF. Trust me, giving away a few copies (or even a few hundred copies) isn't going to break me.

I will mail the free copies to the winners on or shortly after the official release date of Oct 1, 2009. Winners may request a Kindle or PDF copy of they prefer.

To become a fan, go here. And while you're at it, go ahead and befriendificate me.

Mercury Falls to be Released on 10/1!

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:05:00 GMT

Over the past several months, I've been working on finding a publisher for my novel, Mercury Falls. Although the reception from agents has been positive, this is a particularly bad time for a new author to be trying to get published. The always-risk-averse publishing industry has gotten even more so in the current economy, and not having had the foresight to populate Mercury Falls with pubescent vampires, I'm facing an uphill battle. One agent to whom I sent the manuscript described Mercury Falls as "very funny" and said I was an "excellent writer," and then went on to say that the book was "too tongue in cheek for the current market." This agent, by the way, is also the author of a line of books about vampires. No joke.

Rather than wait for a turnaround in the publishing industry that may never happen, I've decided to capitalize on the industry's failure to take advantage of new markets and technology. With Amazon.com accounting for 40% of all book sales, and with the explosive growth of the popularity of the Kindle -- not to mention inexpensive on-demand publishing options -- I think there is an opportunity for a high-quality, aggressively priced independently published book to give serious competition to the mass-produced crap being churned out by publishing houses that are now mostly captives of massive media conglomerates.

As a result, I'm taking the publishing of Mercury Falls into my own hands. Having gone over the completed manuscript dozens of times and gotten detailed feedback from several "beta readers," I am convinced that Mercury Falls is better paced, better plotted, and funnier than 90% of the "professionally published" books on my bookshelf. And no, that shelf is not packed with books by Christopher Paolini.

Sitting next to my keyboard is a proof copy of Mercury Falls, which I ordered from Amazon's self-publishing company, CreateSpace, and I don't mind telling you that -- other than a few illegible scribbles in red ink in the margins -- it looks AWESOME. My plan is to make the book available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle format on October 1st.

Don't misunderstand me: this isn't going to be easy. To be noticed among the Christopher Paolinis and Stephanie Meyerses, I'm going to need a lot of grassroots support. Particularly helpful will be Amazon reviews from readers like you who enjoy the book (assuming, of course, that you DO enjoy it). But you don't have to wait for the book to be available on Amazon to help out. Here are some things you can do RIGHT NOW, in the convenience of your own home!

Sign up for the Mercury Falls interest list. (And even if you've already signed up, check out the new Mercury Falls website. It's hella cool!)
Become a fan of Mercury Falls on Facebook.

And, of course, you can befriend me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter.

Thanks in advance for your help and support!

We did it!

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:39:00 GMT

Over 500 people have signed up for the Mercury Falls interest list! Many thanks to everyone who blogged, emailed, tweeted, facebook and arm-twisted to get people to sign up.

As promised, I'm beginning the process of self-publishing the book. I'm doing some final proofreading, as well as vendor research (the company I used for Antisocial Commentary, Lulu.com, has dramatically raised their prices, so I'm shopping around for other options). I hope to have a definite release date within a few days.

I will also soon have some more details about how you can win a free copy of Mercury Falls before it even comes out. (Hint: you should probably sign up for the interest list, if you haven't already).

And if you want to keep better tabs on what's going on with me, please befriend me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter.

Thanks again!

Did I mention that the publishing industry is retarded?

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 21:19:00 GMT

Well, it is. I'm not going to go into details, because it will just sound like sour grapes, but seriously, it's retarded.

So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to self-publish Mercury Falls. That's right, you don't have to wait for two years for it to slowly grind its way through the gears the publishing industry. Most likely, you can have it in your hands (or on your Kindle) by Christmas. But there is one catch: to have a chance to create a successful grassroots campaign for the book, I need to have a good-size initial fan base. So here's the deal: I'm going to publish the book as soon as I've got 500 people signed up for the Mercury Falls interest list.

It's not an unrealistic goal; at this writing, there are 337 people on the list. If each regular reader of this blog convinced one friend to sign up, we'd be at 500 in no time. So tell your friends, family, coworkers, students, household servants -- anyone that either enjoys funny, well-written books or who is obligated to do what you tell them to do -- to sign up at MercuryFalls.net. I promise not to spam them. Or you.

I plan to give away quite a few copies as well, and I will be starting with the people on that list. I should have the details of the giveaways worked out in a few weeks. In the meantime, get on the list and tell your friends to sign up too!

Thanks!

I seem to be on hiatus

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:33:00 GMT

The good news is that I'm healthy. The bad news, from your perspective, is that I seem to have stopped blogging. I'm not sure why. Part of it is that I've been focusing on revising the beginning of my novel, Mercury Falls. Truth be told, I was never really happy with the opening chapters. I wrote the first three chapters before I had any idea where the book was going, and then once I got an idea of where things were headed, I just kept writing until I got to the end. But then I still had these shaky first three chapters that seemed to be both integral to the plot and mismatched in tone with the rest of the book. I couldn't remove them without screwing up the plot, but they didn't make a very good introduction to the book either.

Anyway, I believe I have finally come up with a solution. I made some revisions to the opening chapters that I think have vastly improved the book. At this point I think Mercury Falls is about as good as I can possibly make it. If you enjoy this blog, you're definitely going to like Mercury Falls. There are several chapters that I think are as good or better than anything I've posted here and, just as importantly, I believe the book as a whole is more than the sum of its parts. The story arc came together very nicely.

I'm going to start sending the revised version to agents soon; if I don't get any bites by the end of the summer I'll probably just self-publish the thing. I also wanted to say thanks to everybody who has signed up for the interest list and/or displayed the Mercury Falls banner on your blog. 318 people have signed up already! I'm hoping that will carry some weight once I start querying agents again. If you haven't signed up yet, please do. You're under no obligation to buy the book, and I won't spam you or anything (I think I've sent exactly one update to the list so far). You can also become a fan of Mercury Falls on Facebook.

I'm not sure what's in store for Mattress Police. I started this blog on a whim, with the lowest of expectations, as a place where I could post the crazy random stuff that goes through my head. I find that lately, however, I have less and less funny random stuff going on there that I care to post. I'm not sure if that's a temporary effect of channeling my randomness toward Mercury Falls or if it's a more permanent condition. In any case, I wouldn't expect much in the way of posts for a few weeks.

Don't worry, I won't stop writing. Besides Mercury Falls, I've been toying with the idea of a sequel to Antisocial Commentary and/or a semi-autobiographical book to be titled Not Living Up to My Potential. Oh, and some ideas for a sequel to Mercury Falls have already started to scratch at the rear screen door of my mind as well.

For the occasional random bit of nonsense you can also follow me on Twitter or befriendificate me on Facebook. Oh, and did I mention that you should sign up for the Mercury Falls interest list to be updated about the status of my novel?

Thanks again to all of you who have supported this blog (and me) over the past two+ years. It's been great "meeting" many of you, and you've been a continual source of encouragement and gratification for me.

Diesel out, for now.

Oh, hey there! How's it going?

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 19:08:00 GMT

Yeah, so after mostly getting over my inexplicable hand injury, I developed a slightly more explicable back injury that caused me to walk stooped over like an old man for three days and then started to wane just as I developed a bad headache that then turned into some kind of sinus thing and a fever and has now left behind only a nagging cough and some impressive chunks of green mucus.

In other words, I'm kind of wiped out. I'm probably going to need a few more days to come up with anything halfway intelligent to post.

In the meantime, sign up for the Mercury Falls interest list two or three more times.

MP Mailbag

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 23:00:00 GMT

My gopher post got quite a reaction.

Scott Oglesby commented on my observation that establishing a perimiter never seems to do any good on '24':

You bring up an interesting point; I don?t think that I?ve ever seen a perimeter work in television or movies. Sometimes it comes close, but it never works. As a matter of fact, the phrase ?establish a perimeter? should now be used exclusively as slang for failure. IE; ?Wow Mike, you really ?established a perimeter? with the ladies at the club last night!? Or, ?How?s Karen been doing with her opiate withdrawal?? To which the reply is, ?Oh man, she?s ?established a perimeter? around the heroin again.?

As for the gophers, maybe you could get them to follow Chevy Chase?s career. They might not die, but at least you?ll never hear from them again!

Stickman said:

If gophers look at gopher porn, do they get gopher wood?

How's that for an obscure Bible reference? Maybe you can build an ark for when California falls into the Pacific!

(I was going to explain the reference, but then I thought, "Hell, why start now?")

Several people have commented on the odd word verification words that show up on my commenting app.

For example, rita said:

Do you have anything to do with chosing the word verification thingy? Because I swear, it was CLITORIS.

And Sage asked:

Why is my word verification "Reagan?"

So yes, in answer to your questions, I came up with all the words myself (since I built the commenting app). Other possibilities include "Prozac", "Huey" and "Boobs". These are a few of my favorite things....

Regarding my Phantom Zone post, Sparrow said...

You should really think about writing a humorous novel. As a powerhouse literary agent, I can tell you that it would be rejected far slower than some of the other stuff I get in.

Thanks, Sparrow! I look forward to the drawn out, painfully slow rejection process your agency offers!

Finally, I have to quote an email I got from someone trying to join Humor-Blogs.com. I usually try to be helpful and professional when dealing with questions people have about H-B, but it drives me nuts when people send me emails without any detail at all that might help me solve the problem they are having. This most recent email reads, in its entirety:

I have tried to join 5 times but the site won't let me

Ooookay. Are you getting an error message? Did you get the same error message 5 times in a row, or are you getting a variety of different messages? Is it telling you why you can't join? Are you trying to create a user account or add a blog, or both? If the latter, what's the name or URL of your blog? What exactly are you expecting me to do with "the site won't let me join"?

So I responded,

Well, that's all the information I need to solve the problem. I have pressed the magic fix-it button. Please try again.

I haven't heard back from him yet, so I'm assuming the magic fix-it button worked.

Jor-El slammed for use of Phantom Zone to house enemy combatants

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 20:14:00 GMT

Bar-Ob promises "swift closure" of extradimensional prison.

KRYPTONOPOLIS - Ratcheting up the rhetoric in the race for Supreme Leader of Krypton, Demokryptic candidate Bar-Ob has promised to "close once and for all" the controversial extradimensional prison known as the Phantom Zone.

"How can we hold ourselves up as a model for other planets, such as... well, the only one I know of is Earth," said Bar-Ob, "while maintaining an illegal prison in a dimension just 90 miles outside our own space-time continuum? It's unconscionable."

A spokesperson for Jor-El, the scientist who discovered the Phantom Zone, called Bar-Ob's promises "irresponsible and unrealistic." ?Jor-El, known for his controversial claim that the core of Krypton is radioactive and due to explode "any day now," is running as the Republiton candidate for Supreme Leader.?

Demokrypts have accused Jor-El of "fear-mongering." ?Bar-Ob recently noted recently that "Every time Jor-El's polls are down, they bump up the Planetary Core Explosion Threat Level." ?

Jor-El's spokespersons have denied any connection between the campaign and the PCECTL, pronounced puh-KEK-tul. They countered the Demokrypt accusations with allegations that Bar-Ob is pandering to voters. ?"Where is Bar-Ob going to put these dangerous criminals when he closes the Phantom Zone? Where does he suggest housing the likes of General Zod and Doctor Xadu? All this planet needs is another Wil-Hor debacle."

Jor-El has also argued that Bar-Ob lacks the interstellar experience to be Supreme Leader of Krypton. ?"It's frankly embarrassing that Bar-Ob cannot name a single alien planet other than Earth. What about the lava world of Moo-Zarak-Ghukkenstemph? ?What about the ice planet Sha-hah-aaahanssstugl? ?I mean, how can one lead Krypton into the 49th century when one is ignorant of the giant snow-worms of Sha-hah-aaahanssstugl?"

In response, Bar-Ob accused the Republitons of "clouding the issue" and "making up planets." ?He called the current administration's record regarding the Phantom Zone "shameful," claiming that inmates of the extradimensional prison were routinely denied food and water for "centuries at a time."

Jor-El pointed?to?these?accusations?as?further?evidence?that?Bar-Ob?lacks?the?experience?needed?to?be?Supreme?Leader. ?Jor-El claimed that "Anyone who knows anything about the Phantom Zone knows that its occupants do not age or require sustenance. ?They reside in a featureless existence from which they can observe, but cannot interact with, the regular universe; furthermore, they are?telepathic?and mutually insubstantial."

In response to these statements, Bar-Ob said, "I call B.S. on the 'telepathic and mutually insubstantial' stuff."

Jor-El later admitted that he had no idea what that phrase meant, and was simply repeating something he had found on Kryptopedia.

I Can't Gopher That (No Can Do)

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 20:58:00 GMT

About six years ago, my wife and I purchased ten acres of farmland just outside of Ripon, California. ?Eight acres of the property are still orchard, while the front two acres serve as home to my wife and me, our two children, my father-in-law, and a varying number of gophers.

If you're one of those people who can't stand the thought of any living creature -- no matter how ugly and annoying -- being harmed, I'd suggest you stop reading here, because the fact is that gophers are evil creatures that deserve to die a painful, horrifying death. ?I feel nothing but joy when I club a gopher over the head with a shovel and then toss his lifeless carcass into the orchard as a warning to the other gophers. ?I've even been known, while in the throes of a gopher-killing frenzy, to cackle evilly and make dire but nonsensical pronouncements such as, "Oh, I'm AFRAID the deflector shield will be QUITE operational when your friends arrive...."

Here's a second disclaimer, before I go any further: the only thing worse than being terrorized by gophers is to have one's incessant whining about said gophers constantly being met with tired, predictable references to Caddyshack. PLEASE STOP, people. That movie is funny to me in the same way that M*A*S*H is funny to someone who lost all four limbs to a wise-cracking alcoholic surgeon in the Korean War. ?Oh that irrepressible Hawkeye and his lack of attention to proper hygiene!

My brother once asked me to post a video of me trying to kill a gopher to see if I'm funnier than Bill Murray. I told him that I once shot such a video, but that it was "more horrific than funny, like Caddyshack 2." (it consisted mainly of me kicking the gopher until I got bored and then whacking it with a shovel). He suggested that the gophers wouldn't be as much of a problem if I didn't insist on growing a golf course in my backyard. ?He's got a point -- I probably don't need 50,000 square feet of lawn. ?But here's the problem: it's not like I can say to the gophers, "Hey, I decided I only need 25,000 square feet of lawn, so you guys can keep the other half." ?I mean, I could say it, but the gophers wouldn't listen. ?You see, gophers are greedy, mean-spirited bastards who exist primarily to spite me. ?They wouldn't be content with their half of the lawn. ?They'd use it as a training ground for new cadets to be sent out en masse to enemy territory. Trust me, I've tried establishing a perimeter like they do on 24, but so far it's worked, well, about as well as it does on 24.* F---ing Tony Almeida.

Big deal, you say. So they dig a few holes in your yard. No. They dig a gigantic network of tunnels under my yard. It's like the freaking Paris Metro down there, but with gophers instead of Frogs -- a marginal improvement, at best. ?I've had three garden hoses going for an hour in one of those holes, and the water never comes out. ?I'm pretty sure there are Fremen in caverns down there nodding with approval.** And the tunnels eventually collapse, and the gophers dig more tunnels, and those collapse, and on and on, until the ground is more wildly uneven than a Jim Carrey movie. ?There are areas of my property that are so riddled with mounds of dirt and collapsed tunnels that I have to down a handful of Dramamine before my annual weed-mowing on the riding mower.

And that's not all. ?They also eat your plants. ?I have actually seen entire plants sucked underground like that girl at the beginning of Jaws. ?And they know, they somehow KNOW which plants you'd really they rather not eat, and they specifically target them. ?A gopher will tunnel under a whole bed of carrots or begonias just to chew up the roots of that Japanese Maple that you've been watching grow to the perfect size over the past sixteen years. Because they are EVIL.

Recently I killed a gopher that had been tunneling under the foundation of my house. ?You might ask why a gopher would tunnel under my house. ?The answer is simple: because it is trying to destroy my house. ?There's nothing a gopher might possibly be interested in under my house. ?There's no food or water, or, uh... gopher porn, or whatever else gophers surf the web searching for.*** ?The only reason for a gopher to be under my house is to set C4 charges under my house. ?EVIL.

So, given that gophers are inherently evil, there is only one appropriate response: KILL THEM ALL. Recently I was browsing a message board, looking for suggestions on how to kill gophers. Nestled amongst opinions on the relative merits of traps, poisons, F&W (flooding and whacking), I found this little treatise:

I am working at an organic school garden and have noticed some gopher mounds near our plants. I came to garden forums to see what solutions were available to me. My predecessor at the garden used quick death traps which I have witnessed in action. Although effective, I felt it was a waste of life, considering I did not make any use of the dead gopher. I am also not completely in relationship to gopher ecology. There is a suburban neighborhood around the garden, as well as some open space in which the soil has been destroyed for fire protection by discing. There are no plants left alive in these zones really. So how am I contributing to the demise of the gopher population (which are major contributors to a healthy ecology in the region) by killing them? These questions would probably at least require a year of observation to get at, and I'm concerned about the annuals I have planted for this season.?

The posts I have read on this subject at this forum have left me unsettled. I read mostly war metaphors, dualistic and violent, creating an enemy "other" which is put into deragaotry language and creates rationalizations for small scale genocides. I do not think this attitude is healthy for the survival not only of the human species, but countless others.?

I may still trap the gophers but I will not hate them or demonize them. I open the forum up for further discussion on a deeper questioning of the problem of gophers.

Are you KIDDING me? How are you contributing to the demise of the gopher population by killing them? Well, if you're doing it right, you're reducing it. Which is an inherently good thing, because gophers are EVIL. There is no need to demonize them; that was taken care of by SATAN when he CREATED THEM TO TORMENT ME. Sorry for the?deragaotry language.

I still haven't found the best method for killing them. Traps work sometimes, although trapping isn't as gratifying as flooding and whacking. Attempts at asphyxiation via exhaust pipe and garden hose have thus far been unsuccessful. And to those of you who keep suggesting putting Juicy Fruit in the holes -- I'm pretty sure that was a rumor started by a couple of gophers with a taste for chewing gum. One wiseguy on the forum suggested, in response to this idea, "chewing the gum while setting traps."

Mr. Living in Harmony with Gophers may not hate them, but I do. Accuse me of using "war metaphors" if you want, but know this: it's not a metaphor. I am at war with the gophers. I will kill them all, by any means necessary. And since I seem to be making a lot of obscure pop culture references in this post, here's one more for you:

I came here to chew Juicy Fruit and kick ass. ?And I'm all out of Juicy Fruit.

*Have you noticed that no episode of 24 has ever ended with Jack Bauer saying, "Thank God we established that perimiter! Now let's all go home and get some sleep!"

**If you get this reference, you are a huge geek.

***Gophers don't actually surf the web, as they are still bitter about http becoming the de facto standard Internet protocol. ?Wow, what is up with the obscure references in this post?