I have two sons who are both heavily involved in high school sports. I spend a lot of time around the field, wrestling room and track.

“Hit it and Quit it” is a phrase used by some of these students to indicate that they intend to have relations (usually intercourse, but not necessarily) with a girl and then move on. What has become of the morals and values that used to be instilled in people? How is this viewed as ok?

I have had countless conversations with my sons about this type of objectification of women and have repeatedly lectured to them against such behavior. Most often the conversation gravitates to “How would you feel if this was your sister, mother, etc?” That’s usually all it takes to get them (and some of their friends) to see how horrible this mentality is.

Technology & Pandora’s Box

On the flip side of this coin is the proliferation of the smart phone. High school girls seem to think nothing of “teasing” their male counterparts with explicit photographs or text messages. Why is this condoned? There is an app called “Snapchat”. Evidently, you can send photographs to someone for only a designated period of time, upon the expiration of which the photograph “disappears”. Perhaps this has emboldened these young ladies to send scantily clad (or nude) photographs thinking “it’ll be gone soon”. The boys, however, have found a way to permanently keep that which was intended to be lasting only a moment: Screen Shot. Now, we all know that teenage boys often lack judgment and foresight, so if they have a picture of a naked girl, all of their friends will soon see this.

Needless to say, this is a sign of a bigger problem.

Where are the parents?

Parental supervision in the kids’ lives on a day-to-day basis is lacking in so many families. There is little, if any, accountability. Parents need to be on top of these kids. Know their friends. Meet their friends’ parents. Know where they’re going and with whom.

Instill in your children what is right and wrong, and hold them accountable. Make sure they know that there are consequences: socially, emotionally, and financially. Most important, however, are the moral consequences.

Communicate for the kids

In divorce cases there are almost always barbs being thrown that “this doesn’t happen when Billy is with me” or “Sally never dresses like that at my house”. It is, therefore, so very important that you and your ex spouse can parent together, while separate. Regardless of your differences, you have to be on the same page when it comes to these critical issues.

If co-parenting is an issue, give me a call at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can explore the many options available to try to make a bad situation better.

Image Credit:
Hiding by Irish Typepad on Flickr.

As much as the kids love holidays, in many instances, it is a time for family law litigants to play an age old game of “one upmanship”. The only one who wins this game is the kids… sometimes.

Scenario #1: Dad buys Jr. a bike from Wal-Mart. Mom learns of this and goes to the most expensive bike store in town and buys a better, newer, shinier model.

Scenario #2: Mom buys Sally an elaborate dollhouse with all the accessories. Dad tells Sally “I’m sorry honey, I can’t afford that. Mom gets all my money”.

In either scenario, the child is lavished with gifts. What is the real cost, however?

Both parents end up “losing”. Both parents have made the child feel guilty. In both scenarios, what is supposed to be a “magical” time of the year, ends up being a battle over who has more or who can give more.

Kids aren’t stupid. They are far more dialed in and astute than most people give them credit for. And I will submit, most kids can’t be bought. Sure, they may take the bike or the dollhouse, but they’re also taking inventory of the strings attached to both.

Be careful what strings are being attached. They may just come back to haunt you.

If you’re dealing with a divorce and would like some help, feel free to call me at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can discuss the matter in greater detail.

Image Credit: Puppet Josh By pareeerica on Flickr

Every client asks “will I win?” The answer is usually “you should” or “probably”. Now, you’re looking at me like I’m speaking another language. The fact remains, especially in family law settings, there are no guarantees in the law.

Family Law is a hybrid. It is both a court of law and equity. This means that, while there are general rules, laws and decisions the court has to consider in making a decision, there are also equitable concerns as well.

Best Interests of the Children?

For instance, in making custody decisions, the Family Code is written such that there is a stated order of preference in granting custody. This order of preference, however, is also subject to a great number of exceptions based upon (magic word time) “The Best Interests of the Children”. This is the part where things get a bit “iffy”. What, exactly, is the best interests of the children? This, of course, varies from case to case and is largely fact dependent.

Both parents, most of the time, state that they have the children’s best interests at heart. The court is then in a precarious position to determine which of these well meaning parents really does have the best interests of the child at heart. This is (excuse the pun) a judgment call that must be made.

He said / She said

There are other factors that contribute to the “maybe you’ll win” outcome. So many times I’m told “He’s lying” or “She’s manipulating the facts”. While that may be true, the issue becomes one of proof. The other side may be lying through their teeth, but if you cannot prove it with competent evidence, it becomes a credibility contest with the judge. Who presents as more credible? Who has behaved more appropriately? Who has a better track record in these proceedings ?

If you’re dealing with a divorce and would like some help, feel free to call me at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can discuss the matter in greater detail.

Image Credit: Satisfaction Guaranteed Sticker By Vectorportal on Flickr

Here’s an article from Robert E. Emery, Ph.D., I think it makes the case pretty well:

If you can give your children these freedoms, you will have gone a long way toward filling your responsibilities as a parent during and after your divorce proceedings.

Every child whose parents divorce has:

1. The right to love and be loved by both of their parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
2. The right to be protected from their parents’ anger with each other.
3. The right to be kept out of the middle of their parents’ conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
4. The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of their parents’ emotional problems.
5. The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect their life; for example, when one of their parents is going to move or get remarried.
6. The right to reasonable financial support during their childhood.
7. The right to have feelings, to express those feelings, and to have both parents listen to how they feel.
8. The right to have a life that is a close as possible to what it would have been if their parents stayed together.
9. The right to be kept out of “adult issues”.
10. Most importantly, the right to be a kid.

If you’re dealing with a divorce and would like some help, feel free to call me at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can discuss the matter in greater detail.

Image Credit: Untitled By Behrooz Nobakht on Flickr

Invariably, people come in and say “He did XXX” or “She did YYY”. Obviously, they are very upset about some deviation from what is expected or ordered. They are ready to fight.

My first question is always “What are you fighting for?” The typical answers are:

It’s the Principle

This “reason” is usually driven by frustration. The complaining party is trying to teach the other party a lesson. Oftentimes, however, the lesson trying to be taught is falling on deaf ears. I usually ask the following questions that tend to put this lesson teaching into perspective:

1. How old is he/she? The answer is usually 28 or older. Regardless of the answer, however, my response is always “If they haven’t learned the lesson in X years, what makes you think you’ll teach them now?” If the person is thinking clearly, this usually resonates pretty well, and the lesson teaching is abandoned.
2. How much time, money and energy are you willing to spend to teach this lesson. This usually hits home even if the person is persistent after answering the first question. The harsh reality is that litigation is expensive. It costs time, money and emotions.

When I was a brand new attorney, a someone said “Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” While I am not calling anyone in this equation a pig, the analogy holds true. Trying to teach a lesson to someone unwilling to learn that lesson is frustrating, expensive and time consuming and, at the end of the day, may never accomplish the goal of teaching the lesson.

They’re Wrong (“Is the juice worth the squeeze”)

This may be very true. Party A is ordered to pay Party B $652.89 for medical expenses for the children. Party A doesn’t pay. Party B wants a pound of flesh. The truth is, while Party A may very well be in violation of the court order, what do you gain by pushing the issue?

Let’s also envision a situation where Party A was ordered to give Party B the fabulous China set that you got as a wedding gift. Party A does not give the China. Party B is mad.

Under either scenario, the aggrieved party has been wronged. The question is this: Is the juice worth the squeeze?

If you want to hold Party B accountable under either scenario, what is the cost versus what you stand to gain? If Party B spends $3,000.00 is that worth the China set that can be replaced for far less? This also has some crossover to the “It’s the Principle” argument.

While technically Party A has violated the court’s orders or the parties’ agreement, what does Party B get for “winning”?

If you want to have a real life, down to earth assessment to determine whether the “juice is worth the squeeze” feel free to call me at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can discuss the matter in greater detail.

Image Credit: Vigeland – couple By asleeponasunbeam on Flickr

You’ve decided that this is the path you must take. Now what?

This list is just a surface glance and is in no way a comprehensive “to do” list that is applicable across the board. These are general principles.

Have confidence in your attorney

This is critical for all areas of family law, but specifically when it comes to custody issues. Your children are the most important people in your life. If you have no confidence in your attorney, it is time to find a new attorney. You have to be able to trust that he or she is going to do the best job possible in selecting an evaluator who has the special skillset to ferret out the issues in your particular case. You also have to have confidence that your attorney will properly prepare you for the process you are about to undergo.

Tell the truth

The evaluators are mental health professionals. They understand the human psyche. Most importantly, they are constantly lied to. Oftentimes, the recommendations made by the evaluator come down to a credibility call. This also includes “owning” your past. We all have some skeletons in the closet. Don’t try to make excuses or blame others. You made mistakes. Own them. As with everything in the family court system, if your credibility is questioned, you have, at best, an uphill battle… sometimes the battle is lost because you cannot be believed.

Understand what the purpose is

The custody evaluator’s purpose is to make recommendations regarding the best interests of your children. It is not to provide a forum for “venting” or airing dirty laundry. While some of the details of your past relationship with your spouse might be pertinent, sticking to issues that directly revolve around parenting and/or the children’s best interests will serve you better. Additionally, since most evaluators charge an hourly fee, sticking to the main issues will also aid in keeping the cost down.

Be selective in your list of collateral witnesses

This seems obvious but far too many times, Party “A” wants to bring in their Party “B’s” mother to say what a good parent Party “A” was. While this may be true, and while Party “B’s” mother may have said a million times that Party “A” was the best parent in the world, when the chips are down, it is more likely than not that Party “B’s” mother will stick by their child’s side.

Compile all documents requested by the evaluator in a timely fashion

This may seem self evident, but many litigants seem to give this little importance. Sometimes the task is given because the content of the documents can provide critical information for the evaluator to consider. Sometimes, though, the content of the documents is secondary to the “test” of completing the assigned task. If the evaluator asks for something, get it, and get it as soon as you can.

These are, as I’ve said, just a starting point. There are many other things that are fact specific and will require further discussion. Call me at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we’ll set up a time to go over what you need to do to get ready for your custody evaluation.

Image Credit: Honest tea Cap By MoHotta18 on Flickr

Your marriage went bad and the divorce process is ugly and bitter. You and your spouse are both making some heinous allegations about the other and you can’t agree on the most basic of custody arrangements.

What is it?

A custody evaluation can be a very powerful tool to assist the court in making some hard decisions regarding the best interests of your children. Your family is essentially put under a microscope by a mental health professional. They can be an MFCC (Marriage, Family, Child Counselor) all the way up to a Ph.D. The Ph.D. can conduct psychological testing when the facts and case call for it.

The scope of these evaluations can range from of one single issue to essentially dealing with every issue in the matter (regarding the children). The evaluation process can be lengthy, sometimes taking upwards of 6 months.

How much does it cost?

Typically these evaluations are costing between $7,500.00 up to tens of thousands of dollars. These costs can be borne by either or both parties. Sometimes the court will even order one party to pay “subject to reallocation at a later date”. This means the court can order one party to initially pay, but then redistribute this cost as the Court deems appropriate.

What is the process?

The evaluator will start with a comprehensive “intake questionnaire” that both you and your spouse must complete. Then there will be an in-office interview, followed by a home interview/inspection. The evaluator may ask for additional documentation along the way, which should be provided promptly. The more time the evaluator has to spend chasing down requested information, the higher the cost will be.

There are also collateral (people other than the parties) percipient witnesses (those that have personal knowledge of important facts or events) that the evaluator may want to interview. Both sides will typically have an opportunity to provide a list of collaterals to the evaluator for consideration.

In addition, the evaluator will speak to the children’s school teachers or daycare providers. This can often be a treasure trove of information. Besides the parents, the teachers or daycare providers spend a tremendous amount of time with the children and can usually offer tremendous insight into their behavior, emotional state, etc.

The evaluator will also spend considerable time communicating with the children (depending on their ages). This serves several purposes, not the least of which is giving the children an opportunity to express their wishes/desires/fears/concerns regarding the divorce.

What is the end result?

At the end of the evaluation process, the evaluator will prepare a report. The report will contain historical data and conclude with the making of recommendations. It is important to clearly define the scope of the evaluation so the report that is generated appropriately responds to the issues in the case. The evaluator does not make orders; only recommendations. More often than not, the judicial officer will consider making those recommendations orders of the court. There is a separate process by which any party can “challenge” the recommendations of the evaluator if necessary, but we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

If you wish to discuss this in greater detail, please give me a call at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can talk about your specific situation.

Image Credit: When kids become endangered species By HikingArtist.com on Flickr

You’re wondering if you can get a restraining order against your husband; let’s start with some educational information regarding domestic violence. This is codified in California in Family Code §6200 (and subsequent sections) and is commonly called the DVPA (Domestic Violence Prevention Act).

Abuse

Family Code §6203 defines abuse as:

(a) Intentionally or recklessly to cause or attempt to cause bodily injury.
(b) Sexual assault.
(c) To place a person in reasonable apprehension of imminent serious bodily injury to that person or to another.
(d) To engage in any behavior that has been or could be enjoined pursuant to Section 6320.

Violence

There are certain criteria that must be met before a domestic violence restraining order can issue. According to California Family Code § 6211 “Domestic violence” is defined as abuse perpetrated against any of the following persons:

(a) A spouse or former spouse.
(b) A cohabitant or former cohabitant, as defined in Section 6209.
(c) A person with whom the respondent is having or has had a dating or engagement relationship.
(d) A person with whom the respondent has had a child, where the presumption applies that the male parent is the father of the child of the female parent under the Uniform Parentage Act (Part 3 (commencing with Section 7600) of Division 12).
(e) A child of a party or a child who is the subject of an action under the Uniform Parentage Act, where the presumption applies that the male parent is the father of the child to be protected.
(f) Any other person related by consanguinity or affinity within the second degree.

Restraining Order

You’re also concerned about your husband’s behavior towards the kids. In this situation, the children are or could also be protected persons under any restraining order issued.

There’s a concern that since he’s never hit you, you won’t be able to get a restraining order. Know that domestic violence can be physical, emotional or psychological “abuse”. Family Code 6320 defines the “enjoinable conduct” as follows:

6320. The court may issue an ex parte order enjoining a party from molesting, attacking, striking, stalking, threatening, sexually assaulting, battering, harassing, telephoning, including, but not limited to, annoying telephone calls as described in Section 653m of the Penal Code, destroying personal property, contacting, either directly or indirectly, by mail or otherwise, coming within a specified distance of, or disturbing the peace of the other party, and, in the discretion of the court, on a showing of good cause, of other named family or household members.

It’s Complicated

As you can see, this is far more overreaching than just physical violence. The showing, for a temporary, emergency order, is “a showing of good cause”, or “to the satisfaction of the court”. Now, if we go down this path, at the hearing on the permanent restraining order, we would have to provide more evidence to have a permanent order issued.

As you can see, it’s complicated, if you wish to discuss this in greater detail, please give me a call at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can talk about your specific situation.

Image Credit: Domestic Violence By uMWomen on Flickr

You have concerns about your husband seeing the kids alone. He has very little in the way of parenting skills; drinks frequently and is prone to angry outbursts, sometimes directed at the kids. While he’s never been physically violent, history indicates he will take his aggressions on you out on the children.

The court can order either “non professional” or professional monitoring. The qualifications for both types of monitoring are set forth in the California Rules of Court at section 5.20.

Non-professional monitoring

Non-professional monitoring is just that… A mutually agreed upon friend or relative who can sit back and watch the visitation between the kids and their father.

Professional monitoring

The professional monitor is paid for their services. The fees vary depending on the skill, experience and level of expertise, but you can expect to pay around $50.00 per hour. Typically, professional monitors are either retired or active duty law enforcement. Most have intake forms and their own set of rules. They are provided with a copy of the court’s orders so they know what the boundaries are.

Who pays?

The fees for this service are set by the monitor and are usually paid either in advance or at the meeting. The court can allocate the payment of these funds in a number of ways, but depending upon the respective incomes of the parties, the fees are usually paid by the parent being monitored.

What do they do?

If the monitor feels or observes that the children are unusually uncomfortable or the monitored parent makes inappropriate comments, he or she can do a number of things ranging from a gentle reminder to the monitored parent all the way to terminating the visit.

Monitors usually prepare a written report or summary of the visitation, which typically includes their observations; where the visitation took place; what was done; the children’s reactions, etc. A good monitor wants both parents to be comfortable and at ease with the process.

I’m sure you have more questions about supervised or monitored visitation; give me a call at 818-888-1144 or email me here and we can talk about your specific situation.

Image Credit: Watch Children By christine592 on Flickr

You had court on Wednesday. You didn’t have an attorney; your wife did. The judge granted your wife a restraining order based on what you maintain are lies. It is hard to say why the court made those orders without the benefit of the transcripts.

There is good news and bad news.

The Good News

The good news is that the court only issued a 6 month order. That is a short term order in the grand scheme of things. The court has discretion to grant orders for up to five years.

The Bad News

The fact that there is a restraining order against you can have significant impacts on various aspects of the case. The court has to consider this restraining order when making custody and visitation orders. Additionally, the restraining order may have a direct (and indirect) impact on the issues of support (both child and spousal).

To obtain a temporary restraining order, you only have to submit enough evidence to “satisfy the court” that domestic violence likely occurred. The standard of proof at the temporary stage is very low. At the hearing on the permanent restraining order, however, the burden of proof rises to the level of “preponderance of the evidence”. This basically means that it is more likely than not that the acts of domestic violence occurred.

Since the purpose of the domestic violence orders is protection rather than punishment, if the court believes that no future violence will occur, regardless of a finding that past violence did occur, the court can deny the permanent orders.

What To Do?

We could file motions to ask the court to reconsider the rulings, but in all likelihood, they will be denied and end up costing more than they would be worth.

Under these types of circumstances, I typically advise my clients to keep contact to the minimum required and limit that contact only to issues directly relating to the children. When you do have to communicate, use e-mail, if possible. This takes away the “he said/she said” dynamic.

No doubt you have many more questions, if wish to discuss your options in family law related issues, please call 818-888-1144 or email me here to set up an appointment.

Image Credit: November 21: Spoken Reality: A talk with NYC Storytelling Producers By uniondocs on Flickr