Recently, I hit the street near Notre Dame University, and asked college-aged girls what they thought about flirting:

[If you cannot see the embedded video, you can click here to watch it]

Is flirting really just a game? Everyone’s doing it! Our culture upholds it as innocent fun—even the five-year olds in the toddler beauty pageants are taught how to playfully writhe and pose in a seductive way.

More than Just a Game

The Sage Father warns his son about women who try to capture guys with their “eyelashes”—that is, with their flirtatious, coy glances. (Prov. 6:25) And in Isaiah, the Lord soundly rebukes His daughters for their provocative body language—outstretched necks, wanton looks, wiggling hips, and mincing feet. (Isaiah 3:16)

The New Testament repeatedly identifies “sensuality” as a sin (Gal. 5:19, Rom. 13:13, Mark 7:21-23, 1 Pet. 4:3). It’s a behavior that Christians are to repent of and turn from (2 Cor. 12:21). Seductive body language could have been one of the sins Paul had in mind when he told the believers in Ephesus, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity… because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Eph. 5:3)

What’s the big deal? What’s the problem with flirting and showing off your womanly wares? You might defend your flirtatious behavior by claiming that you don’t intend to seduce a man to have sex—you’re just playing and are not really serious.  But suggestive body language implies or hints at something improper. A woman who gives any man (other than her husband) a “come-and-get-me” look is effect telling a lie. She is thumbing her nose at God by hinting that illicit sex is desirable and exciting.  She is sinning by willfully enticing a man’s thoughts away from the path of virtue.  Body language that implies or hints at a wrongful sexual act is just as offensive to God as performing that sexual act.

Not Even a Hint

The Bible’s perspective on the sin of sensuality includes more than just the type of seduction that leads to illicit sex. Seduction is ANY behavior that purposefully leads another person in the wrong direction.  It’s any behavior that falsely hints that evil is desirable or exciting.  It’s any behavior that entices someone to think about something improper. Even if she’s just playing, the woman who turns on her sexual charm clearly wants men to think that sex with her is an alluring idea.  That’s seduction.  And that’s sin.

Nowadays, Christian teachers routinely address the problem of sexual sin in regards to men looking at porn and lusting after women, but they rarely address the problem of women inviting men to lust with flirtatious, provocative body language.

The disciples were aghast at the seemingly impossible standards Christ upheld. Jesus told the guys that looking at a woman lustfully was just as sinful as having sex with her.  So I’m sure He’d tell you that giving the look to the stranger across the room is just as sinful as jumping into bed with him.

There’s no getting around it.  The woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.

Keep Your Body Language Holy

But is ALL flirting wrong?

Body language is part of the romantic “dance” between a couple.  The glances, the smiles, and the playful interaction are important elements that signal interest and move the relationship along. Nonverbal communication is an important part of all face-to-face interaction. Some psychologists say that it conveys 55 percent of the overall message.  The point of paying attention to our body language is not to get rid of body language, but to make sure that what we say with our bodies is just as holy as what we say with our mouths.

What do you think?

• Is the idea that women should be careful about flirting outdated and prudish?
• How can you tell when your body language crosses the line from sending an “I’m interested in you” message to sending a “Wouldn’t it be fun to have sex with me?” message?
• Do you agree or disagree that “the woman who deliberately sends the invitation to look and think about sex is just as guilty as the man who accepts it.”?
• Is flirting ever okay?

(The video above is one of the dozens of sh0rt “conversation-teaser” videos on the Girls Gone Wise DVD)

Related posts:

1. Book Blog 8: Flirt to Convert
2. Wild vs. Wild Contrast #8: Body Language
3. Book Blog 10: How Far is Too Far?

[If you can't see the embedded video, you can watch it by clicking here. You can find more video clips like this on the Girls Gone Wise DVD.]

It’s Your Turn

I’d love to hear from you. Leave a reply and tell me. . .  Have you ever seen (or been) a boy-crazy girl? What causes boy craziness? And how can girls get over it?

Related posts:

1. Book Blog: Happily Ever After
2. Book Blog Intro: A Tale of a Girl Gone Wild
3. Protecting Girls from Boy-Craziness

I say “apparently” because I didn’t watch the show. I’m not a big Bachelor fan. But it’s tough to go anywhere these days without overhearing girls rehashing the program, and arguing over who should and shouldn’t be the next to be denied a rose.

The guys aren’t as crazy about the series.

Besides the fact that there are no guns, car chases, or buildings blowing up, they have a hard time tolerating all the drama. Each episode documents how Ben’s hopefuls pull out all the stops to “catch” him. They bait and scheme, and use all their wiles to reel him in. He is party to the game, and takes advantage of their seductive efforts. The drama, manipulation, behind-the-scenes back-stabbing, and bait-and-reel is admittedly what makes the show so entertaining.

Fly-Fishing and Man-Fishing

The fly-fishing/man-fishing analogy is actually quite apt. The bachelor thinks he’s the one doing the fishing, but in reality, it’s the women baiting their hooks and throwing out their lines . . .  They use sexual manipulation, emotional manipulation, verbal manipulation, and circumstantial manipulation to snag and reel him in.

A wise father once instructed his son to avoid crafty women. He told him that being snared by a wily woman, (“whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains”), is a fate “more bitter than death.” He warned him that “The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.”  (Ecclesiastes 7:26)

The Problem with Bait-and-Reel

The problem with a manipulative approach to male-female relationships is that it ultimately backfires. Dangling yourself out like bait to hook a man isn’t just bad for the guy who gets caught in your trap; it’s also bad for YOU. It’s a foolish strategy. In the end, it doesn’t deliver. You’ll end up selling out to sin and having a partner that you have to restrain like a dog on a leash. He’ll become immune and resentful of your attempts to manipulate and control his behavior. The relationship will inevitably deteriorate.

A Wild Thing uses a fly-fishing approach toward relationships, but a Wise Thing rejects the worldly idea that in order to get a guy, a girls needs to manipulatively toss out the bait and reel him in. She seeks to be godly, above-board, unpretentious, and without guile in her relationships with men.

Watch this short video to see how young Christian men feel about a woman hanging out the bait:

(If your browser doesn’t display the embedded video, click here to watch it.)

This video clip is one of dozens of short discussion-provoking videos on the NEW Girls Gone Wise DVD.

What do you think about the bait-and-reel method?

I’m giving away a free video!  To enter the draw, leave a comment about what you think about the bait-and-reel method of catching a guy or what you thought about what the guys said on the video.

You could also Facebook, tweet, or share  your thoughts on social media. (@GirlsGoneWise) We’ll collect all the social media buzz  and make a Draw on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 12 noon PST)

Related posts:

1. Man Whisperer vs. True Woman
2. Book Blog 3: Are you a Wily Coyote?
3. God Created MAN

The NEW Girls Gone Wise Companion Guides and DVDs hit store shelves this month! I’m excited about these new resources because they’ll help women study the book in a more intensive way–and help even more women go wise in a world gone wild! Just this week, I heard of a small group, a Sunday School class, a high school, and a women’s prison that are all using the new materials to launch Girls Gone Wise studies.

The video team and I had a lot of fun shooting the footage in Canada, Michigan, and Indiana. Here’s a look at the promotional video we put together:

(If the embedded video doesn’t display on your browser Click Here to watch the promo )

Over the next several days, I’ll be posting some sample content from the Companion Guide and DVD, and giving away free copies of these new resources. Help me spread the word by commenting, Tweeting, and Facebooking your friends about the new resources. Everyone who joins the “buzz” will be entered in a daily prize draw.

We’ll announce the first winner tomorrow.

Related posts:

1. Conversation Peace on DVD
2. Girls Gone Wise Video Shoot
3. Official Girls Gone Wise Release Date Today

I’m working on writing a devotional for teen girls with my friend, Susan Hunt. It will be called, “Becoming God’s True Woman — while I still have a curfew,” and will be published by Moody publishers at the end of 2012.

The book will have 35 devotions for teen girls about how to become God’s True Woman. We also want to include quotes, comments, and letters from teens in the book. And that’s where you come in!

Can you help me by providing your comments and thoughts?  Since you’ll be out of school for the Christmas break, I hope you’ll have time to contribute.

I want your perspective on some topics that are relevant to teen girls . . . like what you think about guys, relationships, peer pressure, dating, the ways girls dress, and the messages popular culture gives you about what it means to be a woman.

This devotional will be used by tens of thousands of teens across North America. You can help me make a difference in their lives by taking a bit of time to record your thoughts.

Below, (and on the attached pdf), I outline some topics/questions that I’d like you to address. Don’t worry. There’s no right or wrong answers. . . I’m just looking for opinions. Anything goes!!!

Your comments can be as short or as long as you want them to be—from a sentence, to a paragraph, to a whole letter—and you only need to address the topics that you want (although I hope you tackle them all!!!)

You can email or facebook message your answers to me by December 30, 2011 at DearMary@girlsgonewise.com

I’ll sort them, edit them a bit, and pick which ones will be best to use in the book. Your comments will be published with your first name and age only (e.g. “Brenda, age 15”). Or, if you don’t want me to use your name, just make a note of that, and I can print your comment with a pseudo name. Thanks so much for your help, girls! I really appreciate it!!

Please give me your opinions on the following topics. You could answer the questions listed under each topic, write a paragraph sharing your thoughts on the topic, or just give your opinion about what Christian girls should do to be wise in each particular area:

1. Popular Media

a. In what ways are girls influenced by popular media?

b. What are some harmful messages that media sends to young women?

c. How can Christian girls be wise about their media intake?

2. Appearance

a. Why do girls want to look “hot” and “sexy”?

b. What comes to mind when you hear the word “modesty”? What does it mean to be modest?

c. How have you struggled with appearance?

d. What would you tell a friend who struggles with her body image?

3. Femininity

a. Do most girls have a positive or negative view of femininity? Why?

b. In what way does culture encourage women to be loud, demanding, and in control? What other types of attitudes does it encourage in women?

c. How does today’s image of the ideal woman differ from God’s ideal?

d. What are some fears a young woman might have about developing a “gentle” and “quiet” spirit? (1 Pet. 3:4)

4. Boy Crazy Girls

a. How strong is the trend of girls being the initiators and pursuers in guy-girl relationships? From a Christian perspective, why is this a negative trend?

b. What are some factors that might contribute to a girl being “boy crazy”?

c. How might a girl’s focus on getting/keeping a boyfriend distract her from what the Lord wants her to focus on?

d. How can a girl avoid getting caught up in boy craziness?

5. Sexuality

a. What kind of pressure is there on girls to become sexually active?

b. Does the church present a negative or positive view of sex? Explain.

c. What could the church do better in this area?

d. Explain what “sexual purity” means.

e. Why does God want us to reserve sex for marriage?

6. Gender Roles

a. What are some general differences you’ve noticed between girls and guys? (other than the obvious physical ones)

b. Why can a mom never replace a dad, and a dad never replace a mom? What do they uniquely contribute to the family?

c. The Bible teaches that a wife should submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ and a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church—how does this idea of differing roles compare with the world’s model for relationships?

d. Why do you think God created the two sexes to fill different roles?

e. How do you feel about gender roles?

7. Boundaries

a. How do you feel about the boundaries and rules your parents have established for you? Why have they established these boundaries?

b. Can you think of any examples of girls getting into trouble because they didn’t have or didn’t obey a boundary?

c. What are some smart boundaries that would help a girl maintain pure and healthy relationships with guys? Why are boundaries important?

8. Top 3 Issues

a. What are the top 3 issues in guy-girl relationships that today’s young women face?

9. Glorifying God

a. The Bible tells us that God created male and female for His “glory.” What does it mean to “glorify God?”

b. How might a desire to live for God’s glory impact the decisions you make as a young woman?

Do you have any other thoughts about womanhood or guy-girl relationships you’d like to share? Or a testimony about how He is making you into a wise woman?

Make sure you include your name, your age, an email contact address, and whether you want me to use your first name or a pseudo name.

Email your comments/answers to DearMary@girlsgonewise.com before December 30, 2011.

Thank you. Thank you! Thank you!!! I appreciate your help!

Affectionately,

Mary

 Download this letter on pdf

Related posts:

1. Calling all Men on International Women’s Day