Dear Maria...

When I'm dieting, I always run up against something that is problematic for me. It just happened again, just a few minutes ago. Before I knew it I was headed to the kitchen to get something to snack on. I realized that I wasn't even hungry. But there was nothing I could do about it. In a flash, I had gotten the snack and started wolfing it down. This isn't the first time I've been in the exact same position. Got anything good I can do to break this "before-you-know-it-you're-in-it" pattern?

    - Tessa

Dear Tessa...

I know just what you're talking about. It really is a problem for many women. You described it beautifully.

I think it would be most productive if you could see that you brought a negative orientation to this snacking problem ("But there was nothing I could do about it."). If you were in a better frame of mind, you would have been more able to solve this problem. Try adopting a positive problem-solving orientation. A positive problem-solving orientation might include the following: 

• evaluating your snacking habit as a challenge.
• looking at it as an opportunity to do something beneficial for yourself
• believing that a problem like this is solvable
• having faith in your own ability to solve the problem
• recognizing that solving a problem like this takes time and effort

There is no doubt that harboring a negative belief like you described can prevent you from reaching for a successful solution. Negativity brings about even more negativity. It can lead to perceiving the problem's persistence as a threat which you avoid and don't then solve. This, in turn, might put you in the position of seeing yourself as not being able to do it. And then you could certainly build up feelings of frustration and hopelessness, which make trying to solve the problem even less likely.

While I realize that it's impossible to turn on a dime, at least start the process of changing your negative problem orientation into a positive one. This should help.

All the best

    - Maria

When you are dieting, you'll find that self-control is a limited resource. So use it wisely and sparingly.

You, of course, relay on this limited resource when you want to regulate your emotions, delay gratification, and resist temptation. Can you replace this limited resource and save your self-control only for times when you really might need it?

There is a way. It's self-affirmation. Self-affirmation research shows that affirming yourself can help you override your impulses and control your behavior. An added benefit of self-affirmation is that people who affirm their core values have fewer defensive responses to ego threats. Looks perfect for dieting and losing the weight, doesn't it?

Here's what you do. Think about why your core values are important to you. This will give you a broader-minded, bigger picture view of you. Affirming yourself through examination of your core values will give you more focus on long-term goals and greater flexibility in the interpretation of your immediate behaviors. Self-affirmation also limits negative feedback and other threats to how you think about yourself.

To start, it could help to write down 10 of your values and 10 of your positive personal characteristics. Then rank what you've written in the order of how important each one is to you.

Keep these self-affirming thoughts firmly in mind when dieting and trying to lose the weight. Put the willpower-depleting acts of self-control away for a rainy day.

Some of the things you offhandedly tell yourself when you're trying to lose the weight have incredible power to throw you off course.

These thoughts may be prompted by fear, frustration, anxiety, low self-confidence, impatience, hopelessness, lack of experience, or just plain uneasiness about doing something you aren't used to. Wherever the thoughts are coming from, you can take the time to understand them better. The more you know about what's really going on inside your head, the more able you'll stick to your weight-loss plan.

For example:

"I need a cookie" 

    Could mean: I feel empty, lonely, hurt, etc., and I need something to make me feel better.

"Why do I have to starve when everyone else is indulging?"

    Could mean: I can't stand the feeling of being deprived.

"The weight-loss diet I'm on is no good anyway."

    Could mean: I'm having trouble sticking to it, and I don't know why, so I'll just blame the weight-loss diet plan.

"I'll never be able to change my overeating."

    Could mean: I'm afraid of change, afraid to do something so different, afraid of how disoriented I feel when I'm dieting, afraid of the unknown.

"Even if I blow it, being fat isn't as bad as drinking or taking drugs."

    Could mean: Cutting back on food is really really hard for me.

" I have absolutely no willpower."

    Could mean: There is a difficult moment because I'm faced with temptation, and I wish I knew how to resist.

"How can I keep on dieting when nobody around here helps me?"

    Could mean: I never feel right asking for help.

"I just cheated, so there must be something terribly wrong with me."

    Could mean: If I make a mistake, I don't know how to forgive myself and move ahead.

"Why did I just go on an overeating jag?"

    Could mean: I'm always acting from my emotions and screwing up.

"I can never resist chocolate cake."

    Could mean: I only know myself as a person who dives right in. I have no experience being a person who doesn't need to do it every time.

"I worked so hard today, I deserve this."

    Could mean: I am depleted of energy. I've given all I have, and I want a reward, a recognition of my accomplishments, a pat on the back.

"After all, I certainly don't want to get too thin."

    Could mean: My goal is too far away, so maybe I better quit now.

"I wish I could wave a magic wand and the weight would fall off."

    Could mean: I don't trust my own ability to see my weight-loss diet plan through, so I better look for a miracle.

"I can always start dieting again on Monday."

    Could mean: I'll be with my friends on the weekend. They are all big eaters, and they won't understand.

"I'm just hungry all the time."

    Could mean: No matter what goes wrong during the day, I turn to food.

"It's nobody's business if I'm dieting."

    Could mean I'm embarrassed to tell them I'm dieting again because I've failed so many times before.

"I refuse to live up to anyone else's idea of what a woman should look like."

    Could mean: I don't look the way I want to look.

"I have too much to take care of in my life, so I can't stick to dieting."

    Could mean: I don't know to make doing something for myself a priority.

"Oh, well, I give up. I just can't lose the weight."

    Could mean: I've seen people change their lives, but I don't know how to do it.

These are some examples of the mind/body connection. It's always at work, no time more so than when you are trying to lose weight.

So use it. Translate your everyday dieting thoughts to find out what you really mean. Because once you know that, you can address those important concerns and can keep on track for losing the weight.

Have you had a dieting and weight-loss relapse? All dieters have. This is where you quit your weight-loss regimen and return to old ways like overeating and staying overweight.

When you relapsed, you most likely regretted doing so. Did you go beyond regret and into angry self-criticism, excessive guilt, and even self-loathing?

There are a number of ways relapse can be prevented. First and foremost is working better on lapses. A lapse is a slip and not a "quitting" and return to old ways. It might be a momentary return to old ways that can lead to a complete relapse, but it doesn't have to be--not if you learn to accept slips, learn from them, and get right back on the horse that threw you.

But here are some other things you can do to prevent a full-fledged relapse.

• set up an early warning system
• have a back up plan
• practice relapsing so that you know it's ins and outs and what to do about it
• write about previous relapses and tell all
• rehearse your relapse so that it is more within your conscious control
• be creative and give yourself an imaginary "relapse inoculation" 

Success in dieting and weight loss may come down to one factor: protecting your intention to achieve your desired goal. If this is the case, what can you do about it?

There are a number of things you can do.

• You can alter your environment to avoid/reduce distractions and temptations, and more exclusively focus on the task at hand

• You can give yourself lots of rewards for staying on task

• You can make your weight-loss regimen more immediately relevant and enjoyable

• You can remind yourself of the reasons you've chosen to lose the weight (a long-term outlook)

• You can remind yourself too of the value of doing that one thing that you're doing that makes a difference (a short-term outlook)

• You can remind yourself that your new thinking about how to handle each particular dieting and weight-loss problem also makes a difference

• You can place the highest value on learning and mastery for each moment to moment and each daily step in your weight-loss journey