Making Change Happen

Blaming Yourself For Spouse's Infidelity

2009-05-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

When you learn--or even suspect--that your partner is cheating on you, the pain can be immense. You are probably angry, hurt, and any number of other emotions. Sometimes individuals find themselves blaming themselves for their partner's infidelity. A person may fear that she was not smart enough or attractive enough to keep her partner's interest. Someone may wonder if perhaps he didn't listen enough or in some other way drove his partner to cheat.

Of course, there is no simple explanation for infidelity in a relationship. One important thing to keep in mind is that it was your partner who chose to engage in some form of a relationship outside of your own. No matter how much you may wish you could at times, you cannot force someone to do anything--including cheat on you. Remember this during those times that you are plagued with self-doubt and are blaming yourself.

When infidelity is present in a relationship, there is a clear sign that there are things in the relationship need to be addressed. However, the fact that your partner went outside of the relationship for something doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or bad about you. It signals to you that you have a serious situation to address. Dealing with infidelity, you have enough to deal with; it is important to keep from blaming yourself so that you don't add to an already-difficult situation.

Being Honest About Yourself To Others

2009-05-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

Is there something you want to be able to be open about but you find yourself keeping it hidden instead? It's normal to conceal certain parts of ourselves to certain individuals. In fact, being completely open all the time can cause all sorts of problems. However, if you are finding yourself afraid to acknowledge who you are or what you believe at certain times, it may be causing some internal struggles for you.

If you are trying to overcome a fear of sharing something with someone that you really want to disclose, ask yourself what the worst is that could happen if you shared. Would you lose your job? Would this person stop speaking to you? If you ask yourself these kinds of questions you may discover that you've been fearing a situation that isn't so bad after all. Or, you may discover that potentially sharing this information does have very real consequences. If you could stand to lose from sharing, look at what you will gain by being open. Is the potential gain worth the risks?

When your situation has more to do with being open with friends or family, ask yourself if you are pretending to be someone else for someone else's benefit. If so, how is this helping you? Or is it? Sometimes we are so used to changing ourselves to make others happy that we forget how to make ourselves happy. It can be hard to stand up for ourselves. Nevertheless, you may begin to experience a greater sense of freedom to be who you are even if it means not everyone likes what you have to say.

Deciding whether or not to be open about something is one thing. Actually being open about that something is a whole other issue. Can you practice by writing some examples of things you might say or ways you might respond? Imagine yourself being the real you or telling a person what you want to say. Talk to yourself in the mirror or record yourself saying what you want to say. Perhaps you can practice by telling someone you really trust. Maybe you can practice discussing it in a forum on the Internet. You may even find a setting out in public where you can begin to practice being who you are so that you feel more comfortable being this way in other settings. Remember to take small steps and practice so that you feel more confident.

Should I Drug Test My Child

2009-05-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

When parents have suspicions that their children are using drugs, they commonly want to know if they should drug test their child. It's a great question, but one with no simple answer. There is no clear cut right or wrong decision when it comes to testing a kid for drug use.

When you are dealing with these kinds of questions, it is important to be up front with your child. Ultimately, you want your son or daughter to be honest with you. Start off on the right track and demonstrate that you are willing to do the same thing. There may be some situations where it might be appropriate to take a hair sample and test it without the knowledge of your child, but as a general rule, discuss any plans to drug test your child prior to implementing them (even if it is immediately before you collect what you need to collect). Likely, this kind of discussion will lead to conflict and discord, but it will signal to your teenager that he is being kept in the loop.

Keep in mind that drug testing your child could damage trust. Some parents may laugh at this, thinking that there is no trust in the relationship or see the irony that a teenager using drugs might think it is reasonable to feel offended that her parent doesn't trust her. Nevertheless, it is vital to to think about the issue of trust and address it. It is almost a certainty that your teenager will feel violated by the idea of being drug tested by you. This opens up a great opportunity for you to say, "we do have some serious doubts about your honesty. We care about you and need to know if you are using drugs so that we can help you if you are". If your child is using, you can explain that trust can be repaired and talk to him about what needs to happen so that the trust can be restored. If you find that your daughter hasn't been using drugs, this gives an excellent opportunity to admit that your doubts were wrong and have a discussion about the situation that led you to believe that drug testing was a necessary step. Remember to listen to your child's opinions on these matters and accept that his or her perspective is different from yours.

Sometimes, you can make drug testing seem good for your child. If you engage your daughter in a conversation about what has made you think drug use might be an issue, you can ask how she would feel about taking a drug test just so that you know she is clean and so you don't worry any longer. Sometimes, kids will volunteer to be tested simply to "prove their innocence."

This is a loaded topic and there is much more that can be said about it. Drug testing can be an extremely useful tool in addressing a teenager's substance use. However, it can also add additional conflict to an already tense situation. Take time and think out what will work best for your child. Don't be afraid to change plans after you've begun a certain approach if it isn't working. Handling these kinds of issues can be extremely complicated and daunting. Fortunately, with supportive parents and treatment kids can recover from even the worst-seeming situations.

Mix Compliments and Criticism to Improve Relationships

2009-05-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

You're in a relationship that feels like it is falling apart. Perhaps your relationship is feeling stale. Maybe your relationship seems great and you want to keep it that way. When we are angry with our partner or are sticking to the status quo, it can be difficult to stop and focus on what is going right. For your partner to listen and respect what you have to say, he or she will need to hear positive messages from you.

No matter how true something may be, it is rare that we welcome criticism. Many times when we are getting a barrage of negative messages, we employ a number of defenses so we don't feel so bad about it. We may ignore what the other person is saying about us. We may become defensive and try to explain why the other person is wrong. We may get angry and launch attacks. Or we might completely disengage from the situation. If you are seeing these kind of behaviors from your partner, you may want to consider the balance of positive and negative things you have to say to your partner.

For every negative thing you have to say to someone, make sure you have at least one positive thing to say with it. When your husband makes a huge mess while he's playing with your son and leaves it for you to clean up. Instead of focusing on the mess and criticizing that, you could say, "That was really great seeing you play with Sam. He really enjoyed himself. I noticed that you didn't clean up when you were finished, though. Would you mind taking care of that?"

When you express yourself this way, you tell your partner that you realize his or value. You communicate your problem but you make clear that you aren't blinded by it. If you use this approach to communicating with your partner, you will more likely be listened to. Also, you will feel better about your partner because you will begin noticing some positive aspects to the relationship that you may have overlooked because of your anger. Finally, you will be teaching your partner by example and may start to see your partner mimic this approach with you.

Using "I Statements" to Avoid Conflict

2009-05-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

When we are angry, it is easy to get wrapped up in our own point of view. While we often believe that we know what someone else is thinking or what someone else's motivation is, it is impossible to truly have this information. In an argument, it's not uncommon to hear someone say something like, "You always leave work late so that I have to be the one to cook dinner!" In this scenario, it is clear that the accuser believes the partner leaves work early to avoid cooking. While this may be true, the accuser has no way to know this absolutely. The partner, hearing this, can almost only feel attacked and it will be difficult for the conversation to lead to any resolution other than mutual anger.

It is normal to disagree and argue. But when this happens, it is important to disagree in a way that is productive. Often, how you frame your argument and how you communicate with the person with whom you are disagreeing is more important than the actual content of the disagreement. If you have a pattern of disagreeing in a respectful way, you and your partner can spend your time working towards solutions instead of ascribing blame.

When engaged in a conflict, use “I statements”. Talk about how you feel, what you think, and how you interpret the situation. Saying things like “You never listen to me” puts the other person on the defensive and invites a negative response. Saying “I often feel like I am not being listened to” communicates how you feel and opens up a dialogue.

Overwhelmed? Small and Persistant Effort is Key

2009-05-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

What is it that is causing problems in your life right now? Does it seem overwhelming and impossible to overcome? Being faced with a huge problem can make you feel paralyzed and make change difficult. Commit to spending a manageable period of time on a regular basis to addressing your situation. Break your problem into small, manageable goals. Work on one step at a time so that you can see yourself accomplishing something. For example, if you want to improve a relationship with a child or spouse, decide you will spend 5 minutes each day simply listening to the other person and learning about his or her day without responding with your own judgments. These small, regular changes will add up over time so that you solve your larger problem or reach your greater goal.

Getting Your Teenager To Talk To You

2009-05-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

As a parent, it can be frustrating when your child is not engaging in dialogue with you. You may want to show your support by having a conversation, you may need to communicate something important to your son or daughter, or you may simply want to have a casual chat. When kids resist their parents’ efforts to talk to them, parents can often become discouraged. Fortunately, there are many things that parents can do to try to open up the lines of communication.

Think about how your children perceive you when you talk to them. If you truly want your kids to listen to you and respond positively, it is important to approach them in a respectful and open manner. To help your kids feel as though they can safely talk to you, accept their feelings. You can accept and respect your children's feelings even when you don't agree with their position. When you disagree, first let your daughter know that you heard what she said and that you accept that she thinks that way. You can tell her you disagree. If you expect her to respect your position, it is important that you also respect hers. As you implement this communication pattern, your child will learn that it is okay to have thoughts that are different from yours and will feel comfortable expressing these thoughts.

Sometimes when conflict arises, parents get so focused on the negative behaviors that their kids are showing that they ignore the underlying feelings that their kids are having that caused these behaviors in the first place. You can accept your son’s feelings without necessarily accepting how he handles them (for example, it's okay to be angry, but not to hit). If you don’t try to understand and recognize his feelings, he will continue to think that you don’t understand him or his situation and he will continue to shut down.

For you and your child to have a productive conversation, it is critical that you are both calm. If you don’t think you can have a conversation at a particular moment without getting emotional and saying things that are inappropriate, table the issue until you can talk about it calmly. Likewise, if you don’t think your child is in a good place to have a conversation, wait until he or she is. You don’t have to address every situation immediately. Of course, you don’t want to ignore situations, but it is a good idea to talk about things when everyone is calm. Work on self-control when you are talking to your children. It can be easy to get angry and react in a way that you will regret later. If you can feel yourself losing control, be aware of this feeling and disengage from the situation until you regain control. Modeling this behavior for your kids will help them learn to do the same thing.

It is okay to coach your children, provide them with feedback, and teach them the proper way to behave. It is important to avoid doing this in a way that demeans your children or hurts their feelings. Acknowledge their pain and give them a chance to talk about their problems. When pointing out the negative aspects of something, be sure to note what your child did correctly so that he or she does not block out what you have to say because it is all negative. You may want to try these additional strategies:

Encourage your child to talk by asking "open-questions." For example, instead of asking, "Do you like school?" ask "What are the things you like about school? What are the things you don't like?"
Always communicate your support for your children, even when their actions are unacceptable. Communicate your confidence in your children. If you believe in them, they will be more likely to believe in themselves.
Give your child lots of praise and encouragement.
Do not label your children, calling one “the stubborn one," another “the bully in the family," etc.

Ultimately, remember that children will base how they communicate on the way that you communicate. The better job you do in communicating with your children, the better your communication with them will be and the better they will communicate with others. Of course, implementing all of these strategies can be very difficult. It may take practice or even coaching or help from someone else. This can commonly be a daily struggle even for parents who have established great communication patterns with their kids. No one has a perfect conversation with their son or daughter every time. With persistence, patience, and an open mind, you can truly begin to have positive communications with your son and signal to your daughter that it is okay to be open and honest with you.