Makes Me Wanna Holler.com - How To Be A Man, A Husband & A Father

The End Has Long Since Passed

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 16:09:00 +0000

I've shut this blog down before a couple times and then written a couple of new posts since. It is now June and my last post was in March. Before then December. Before then, I don't remember.

For those of you who have read I hope this blog on fatherhood and my slant on marriage has helped you. It has helped me to grow, mostly by shining a mirror back at me as to who I've been over the years, disconnected from reality, self-righteous, self-serving and scared of an imaginary lion in the road (biblical reference).

Now it's time to walk a new journey. One that doesn't include sharing intimate moments of my life that I don't even understand while I'm writing them, or maybe if I do it will be reserved for a personal journal, where I won't develop delusions of grandeur that I am MORE than WHO I am because I have an audience.

To anyone who reads this and any of the rest of this blog, be warned, always maintain WHO you are over WHAT you do. The content of your character is way more important than anything else that you try to be. And good things will flow from good character. And go with God whenever you are in doubt. He will open your eyes and make all your paths straight. Just ask Him and you will receive.

It's been my pleasure.

Peace.

Look at Me! Look at Me...The Ugly Side of Social

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 15:21:00 +0000

I'm a man, a father, a husband. In that order. Not by priority, but chronology. There was a time I really, really, really, really wanted to succeed as a full time blogger. Why not? It was a marriage of so many things I enjoyed - writing, technology, creativity, and of course unknown opportunity. And man, did I go in. I did everything back then that everyone now is calling one-to-one consumer engagement. I experimented with Twitter until I finally got it. I toiled and tooled around on Facebook until I got it. Pinterest, Google+ (yes that too) and LinkedIn. Even Friendster, just to get really real with you. And the better I got at promoting myself - my products (writing and my particular brand of storytelling) - the more positive responses I began to get. And by no means do I have the followings of some of my peers in the game but by myself I have more followers across social media than many of the companies I've worked for. And if I don't, I connect with my fans without effort. There is no strategy, no management, no analytics. It's just me and my people. Of course there is, but it comes naturally to me.

And here's where everything went screwy. So here's the deal, full disclosure, EPayneTheDad has, for many years, been in pursuit of meaning, self, identity, purpose and reason for being. It has angered me, frustrated me and many days left me depressed, unable to function, relate or be any good to the people who depended on me at the time. But all the while I was promoting myself in an effort to get ahead, pull even with my wife, find acceptance somewhere where acceptance has been just out of grasp for as long as I can remember, first grade to be exact. And where I wasn't looking for it, I found it - acceptance. From the sea of avatars that populate social media that have over time seconded my mellifluous musings here on this blog and anywhere else. Being just as human as anyone else the affirmation from the nebula of the Internet triggered my ego and inflated it so at times it has been difficult for my head to get through the door at home. It's made me never wrong and hardly unapologetic because in my mind I have been wrong for good reason and deserve to be cut the slack as anyone completely out of their minds should. Via Social I actually tricked myself into believing I was better and occasionally holier, than thou. Now that I know this I can't even imagine what it has been like to live with and for that matter, attempt to reason with me - the self-declared Mr. Good Guy who actually isn't that good at all. I shared with a fellow married man as recently as this morning that my motivation for doing things for others hasn't been for the good of others but rather for how it would make me look or seem in the eyes of others and the shocking realization for me is that I have been doing this for YEARS! And I can only recognize this now because after seeing firsthand the pain and brokenness I've caused (which never made any sense to a guy like me - figured something was wrong with everyone else) and spending time in intense prayer and personal reflection I've recently moved into a space where I am doing things purely for the well being of others and I'm here to state that although it feels a bit foreign, it also feels pretty darn good.

Be warned, especially men: hanging out on social is cool if that's what you want to do. If it's your job that's fine too. But be sure keep your mind and your heart guarded and maybe more importantly have real friends - ones who are in the flesh who will hold you accountable and keep you and your ego in check.

March 8th is International Women's Day: A Call To Action For Men

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Sun, 08 Mar 2015 15:27:00 +0000

It's been many days since I've written here. I've spent a lot of time exploring me and trying to shift my thinking from self-serving and rather negative, to one that is more open and less self-righteous.

Today is International Women's Day. I've written about more than once here on the blog. It was cool, I got the gist of it of the day. One year I shared a video starring Daniel Craig. I figured his scripted piece was better than my own thoughts. Then a couple years later, I wrote about my daughter's amazing light but spent most of the post writing about my role as a father to facilitate this and my viewpoints as a man watching women not being considered equal.

There's a lot of talk about equal rights and equal pay in the press. Most recently, Patricia Arquette made quite a splash at the Oscars with her comments, potentially on the heads of other groups that continue to seek equality. There are plenty of grand global sweeping statements on what needs to happen. Most of them start with, "It's time we start..." It makes you feel good. The heart may even flutter. But there are no real actionable steps to accomplish anything.

I woke up this morning with no plans to write anything, especially here. But as I was looking at some of the Women's Day posts on social media I was literally struck by a very simple notion that came over me: It starts at home.

It Starts At Home
As a 43 year old man, I've come to believe I know some things about this world and yet the more time I continue to breathe, the more I recognize I do not. I have made it my business to surround myself with men. Men's men, strong men, successful men, accomplished men. There are times when we talk, often in circles, about ourselves and how we can be better men. For those of us who have daughters we talk about them as if they are priceless possessions and in the same breath we speak of our women as wholly human - flawed, challenging, at times a handful, and at times burdensome. What gives? The best place to start making a change for International Women's Day is across the dinner table with the one whom you share your life.

How often do we go to work, watch the news, hear stories second-hand about women not having their equal rights and equal say and shake our heads, only to come home and casually dismiss, ignore or reject our wives because we think we know better or because we think we can handle it. And we do so with male indignation.

At times, throughout the course of this blog I have marginalized and even villain-ized my wife and then conducted myself with smugness as being a great father and man. One any woman should be happy to have in their lives. My wife has read everything I've ever written, opting to remain silent, burying the pain caused by my sometimes callous insights on her and often over-inflated insights of myself. What women or rights of women am I celebrating if I am not first celebrating the woman in my home? Sadly, none. If anything I am embodying the definition of hypocrisy and so are many of us, men who don't hold our wives as equals in our lives. This isn't about the ages-old leadership debate, but rather simply holding the one you claim to love in the highest regard as possible so that you can actually see who they are, versus focusing constantly on who they are not.

With that said, today on International Women's Day I'd like start at home by celebrating my wife because she is:

Absolutely Brilliant
Electric
Determined
Amazing
Potent
Courageous and Brave
A Force of Nature
Adventurous
Thoughtful and Giving Beyond Measure
A Loving Mother

In all honesty, my life is truly better because of her. She is a testament to strength and perseverance to everyone in my family. Being completely transparent, if I spent more time focusing on just these 10 things and less time on what I have perceived as shortcomings there's no telling how much more traction this blog would have as an empowerment tool to not only men and fathers but also women. It pains me to think that this blog has done anything less, especially as it relates to my wife. For this the blog and I owe her a tremendous apology.

For husbands reading this today, here's my call to action:

Lift up the women in your lives.
Hear them out.
Trust them.
Appreciate their perspectives.
Understand they are just as right as you.
Honor them.
See them for their amazingness, not just what they could or should be doing better.
Understand that they are not you.
Celebrate their successes.
Be there for them during their struggles.
Promote them - tell them they matter to you and the world - everyday.
Love them.

This is your duty. Take care of home before you set foot outside your home to entertain Women's Equality.

Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father..

2014 In Review: The Good, The Bad & What's Next

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Sun, 04 Jan 2015 16:33:00 +0000

2014 has taken its bow after twelve months of highs, lows and some stretches of steadiness. I've been silent for most of it as I've been waging a number of personal battles that consumed so much emotional energy, I simply haven't had the bandwidth to share much of myself via my blog, via photos, via nothing. But in doing this I've learned is it's good sometimes to close the gates, pull down the blinds and focus on self. Because, let's put it into perspective, if you aren't any good or are deteriorating, how can you hope to be of any good to anyone else?

2014 was a year of accomplishments:

1. I adopted my son after many years of saying I would and trying to do so. God allows some things to happen in His time no matter how hard we try to do it ourselves. I needed to mature considerably before I could truly have the right attitude and heart for what it was that I was trying to do. It also didn't hurt that I found a great lawyer to work on our behalf.

2. In December of 2013 my cholesterol was high. My doctor told me to get active or get on cholesterol meds. I'm not a fan of pills. On January 1, 2014, while vacationing in Fort Lauderdale, I decided I was going to run a mile a day after reading an article on the plane about a man who has run eight miles a day for the last thirty-eight years. Or at least I was going to do my best to try. Weather, health and stick-tuitiveness impacted this, of course. These were the highlights of my efforts

I ran my fastest mile in June in 7:41
I ran my fastest 5K in December in 27:07
I ran my fastest 10K in September in 63:17
I ran a total of 52.1 miles in August
I ran a total of 300.1 miles in 2014
I developed a healthy rivalry amongst a handful of runners
I lost 15 pounds
I lowered my cholesterol

3. I vigorously paid down my debt following Dave Ramsey's debt snowball system so that, minus any unforseen setbacks, I can declare myself debt free in September 2015. It's an amazing feeling to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

4. At the end of 2012 I pledged to triple the income I made that year. In January 2015 I will be making nearly four times what I made in 2012. It took me two years as opposed to the one I originally thought it would, but my point is by simply staying the course and complaining almost never I'm receiving more than I was trying to achieve.

5. I, or rather through God's help I have experienced a real breakthrough in my marriage. Yes, my marriage was on a flaming, speeding bobsled headed straight to Hell. And it had been for a long time. It landed me in therapy, a place I thought I'd never be. But I fought and fought and fought and fought and met a real good dude along the way who was going through something similar. He became a partner in arms providing advice, really GOOD advice every step of the way. And when I finally stopped fighting because I was too tired to even raise my head to look at the sun I've been blessed to see everyday, my wife came around just enough to let me know the fighting was all worth it. And the rest will be the continuation of our story. There is much still to be done and even more to be undone.

6. Therapy was a place I thought I'd never be. Especially as a black man, pumped up with the false notion that I should be able to pray everything away. It's funny how through most of 2013 my pastor referenced his therapy sessions during sermons and it went right over my head. And ultimately, God makes therapists too. In 2104 enough was enough. I didn't understand me and always knew I didn't. So I sat down with a man who's name and number I had for a long time and he helped me begin to slay the dragons in my head that I actually thought existed. He's taught how to speak as opposed to how I had been speaking and how to view things as not being nearly as terrible as I was making them out to be.

7. Through all of the above, I found my voice. I learned to speak my mind without concern of what others may think. I also learned how to choose my battles a bit more wisely. And I've learned the power of silence. I also learned the power of saying no, affirmatively.

8. I stepped out of my comfort zone and went with the family on a Christmas cruise. My family and I enjoyed sun, surf and the amazing enormity of the Atlantic Ocean. A clear reminder that we take up no space whatsoever on this immense planet. It's a truly humbling experience I would encourage you to experience.

2014 was a year of challenges:

1. I came to seriously question my purpose/reason for being. This in turn negatively impacted my ability to write (blog) and make it through the day each day at work. This continues to be a challenge for me that hopefully, I'll be writing about this experience with fondness at the end of 2015.

2. Fighting for my marriage has left me with a lot of emotional baggage and a lot of collateral damage. It's stuff I have to acknowledge and work through in order to move forward.

3. I struggled and continue to struggle with the idea that I deserve nice things and so do the people around me whom I love.

4. 2014 was the year I learned to let go of things I was no longer honestly using by either giving them away or throwing them away. This isn't to say I was a hoarder but based on older relatives I know I have the trait.

5. I failed to create a product I could sell or promote. This is something I have been trying to do effectively to no avail year after year. But part of this had much to do with me not having my voice or knowing why I'm here. I anticipate a change now that these areas have improved.

6. Following Number 5 above, I put many of my passions on the back burner considering them to be failed expectations rather than dreams that have yet to come to pass.

7. My father suffered a stroke right before Thanksgiving 2014. It was mild but it was enough to temporarily change life as my mother and I know it. We also learned that over time my father has had multiple mild strokes. Not enough to kill him but just enough to alter him in ways we currently do not know. I learned a lot about myself back in the beginning of December when I flew home and found my dad in a condition that I would never consider possible for a man of his stature. My compassion, strength, ingenuity, patience, willingness to act and speak up for myself, and faith were all tested and strengthened. The silver lining in all that has happened is that my mother and I now know and know how to get him to his new normal. I'll take that over the alternative of my mother coming home one day and finding my dad unconscious or worse.

In Conclusion

I saw a lot of people move on to the next life in 2014. Both friends and family. I'm becoming more and more aware of my own mortality as my son ages into manhood and my daughter continues her ascent into little ladyhood. I never imagined myself as a dude with a legacy and yet, here I am.

I hope you experience the successes and teachable moments from your 2014, write them down and contemplate how they have helped and hindered you. In 2015 I want you to be everything you determine yourself to be. Don't rule out the help of others. No man or woman is an island and doing it all yourself is not a recipe for success. Speak up for yourself and don't let anyone steal your joy.

I will do my best to be here with you in words and ideas.

Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father..

We Are At The End of The Road

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Tue, 28 Oct 2014 07:48:00 +0000

What I am writing may very well be my last long form post on MakesMeWannaHoller.com. This doesn’t mean I won't pick up roots and start blogging again or creating again somewhere else but this I believe is the curtain call for this blog. Certain experts in the field say it's good to end a blog. Many in life say all things come to pass.

The History Lesson

When I first began this blog I was confused. Confused and without much direction in life. The original name of the blog was Manchild In the Promised Land, after the famous book. My intention was to write about how disconnected I felt from life and this world I was born into. It was going to be about the struggles of a youngish, up and coming black man trying to find purpose in a world, and a city - New York City at that, where it constantly eluded him.

My reason for doing this? To become a published author. I wanted to write fiction and tell fantastic stories about the underdog - me - but with more panache, drama and power. An old girl friend told me I’d never be satisfied with life because I lived it much larger in my mind that in reality. To this day, I ponder this and I hope she wasn’t right.

But then something unexpected happened along the way, I wrote about one of my kids climbing into my bed in the middle of the night and beating me as I tried to get a good night’s rest. Some people liked the post. They told me I should write more like that. And write is exactly what I did to the tune of 1,000 posts about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between. I became transparent about my life and then I scaled back a bit to become more inspirational/advisory. But you folks who read me you knew the deal. You knew when I had arguments and you know what I was arguing about. You knew my oldest kid’s struggles and you even knew my desire to make him “officially” mine. Which I did and always quietly told myself would mark the end of this blog. Other than their names, all of them beautiful, I didn’t keep much else secret.

And blogging has brought me unexpected “fame” - a few random television appearances, many advertising and influencer opportunities, a handful of trips in the US and outside and a number of speaking engagements. The job I have now as an ad agency dude has a lot to do with what I bring to the table as a blogger. I have connections I can call friends and experiences that have truly shaped and molded me into the man I am: somewhat outspoken, positive more than negative, and innovative.

But there was something else going on in the background that you, the readers, and I, the writer, wasn’t exactly aware of. It was how I was neglecting my wife even though I was writing about how central a role she played in my life. See, I was trying to create income, create notoriety, create a platform in the name of doing for my family. But in not sharing these motivations with her, because as I guy, I thought she would get this because, well, why wouldn’t she - I left her out of all this. She was the subject of many stories, the butt of some jokes, the focal point of my literary ire (which I point out is way stronger than my face to face ire) and much of it was without her permission or without buy-in from her. I knew that I was doing what I was doing so that when the job opportunities came along or the book deal popped up I could say, “Here, look at my body of work, all served up on a digital platter for you.” But without communicating that intention, and when I did, doing so poorly and sometimes angrily, my efforts were judged as being far less simple, and even less so noble. So for me my blog is my platform. For my wife, it was a thing that came between us and to a certain extent remains between us thanks to the many years of fallout it has caused.

You are seeing this post today because this is the day I published it, but the first few sentences were written as a draft on July 25, 2014. It was something that I knew I needed to do to address the inadvertent hurt I’ve caused. Because sometimes you do have to prove to others you care about, how much they matter. It was what I knew I needed to do because I don’t want anything real or imagined, that I can control, coming between me and any of my family members, especially my wife. It is what I’ve known I needed to do for a long time because sometimes when you have a conviction to do something, you don’t really even need an explanation or a reason that makes sense to others.

It’s been a good run, but I never really had any intention of writing here for another eight to nine years as my daughter ages up and out of my house. Unless there's something truly compelling happens that I need to share from a dad-daughters or girls’ empowerment perspective. Besides, I’m sure most of it will be a repeat of what I went through with my son, except this time it will be wrapped in pink bows, zebra and leopard prints and a beautiful smile versus a junky room and big feet. If this is your first time here or you are relatively knew, feel free to scroll through the 1,000+ existing posts. This place is a time suck if there ever was one. Ultimately, it is my love letter to my kids, a place that they can come once they are a little older and understand how confused and human Daddy was and maybe not make the same mistakes I have. It's also the safe space I created for myself, a man of color, to be me whether it was right or wrong at times, in a world that doesn't really allow for or even want men of color to be vulnerable or authentic.

Shuttering the Doors

Ultimately, my family’s well being matters way more to me than any material thing. And what my wife believes and how she feels and most importantly how she feels she is being regarded means the world to me though I’ve stumbled plenty in this department. If shuttering the doors on this project which has brought some confusion and some pain behind the scenes heals just one of her wounds well then this action was well worth it. Life is too short and love is too precious to hold on to things. This is not a goodbye, but rather me putting an endpoint on a story that no longer needs to continue publicly. I look forward to living life without feeling I'm not doing something right if I don't share (unless I'm really in the mood). I’m glad and blessed and honored and privileged to have been able to evolve this experience into one that has allowed me to inspire others, both men and women. And with my wife’s permission, I may pop in from time to time to wax poetic here and there or make an announcement about something, but it’s time to move on to the next thing. If I could have my way in a perfect world I would hand the reigns over to another to pick up where I am leaving, so if you’re reading and interested in becoming a contributor let me know in the comments and let’s get connected. I've been wanting to do this for the past two years, actually, but it's hard to get someone to blog for you when everyone has their own blog.

One simple request, if you’re feeling like applauding me for this, please do not. I do this somberly. Accolades are something I do not want. I’m doing this solely for the purpose of righting past wrongs. I don't do this out of duress. I do it because it is long overdue.

Thank you for the experience, my beloved blog. I’ve become a better writer and a better thinker thanks to you. Thank you, to my contributing writers over the years. I also need to thank my wife for enduring me on the not so good days and being as understanding as possible about something I never truly explained to her. Thanks to all the brands that have trusted me to review their products. Thank you for reading, my beloved readers. Thank you for allowing me to share a little (or a lot) of my life with you and I am nothing but honored by the respect you’ve shown me over the years.

Until the next experience (maybe/probably) stay tuned…

And my fondest farewell.

photo credit: Tom Rydquist via photopin cc

Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father.

Allow Children To Be Exactly What They Are: Children

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 10:00:00 +0000

Parents give your kids the time and space they need to be children. It's easy for us as adults to be totally blinded by the frenetic pace of our lives, always being on, always having something more to do, never having enough time to do any of it. Understand that kids aren't able to move as fast as us (especially if they have to because you're behind schedule) nor should they have to. They have the rest of their lives to be stressed based on their own actions. Do your best not to stress them out because of yours. For example, if they take "too long" getting ready for school, maybe you need to get up a little earlier in order to get them up early enough so you don't lose your mind and your patience trying to get them out of the house. Lord knows I do. This doesn't let them off the hook for everything, but it does when you are the one at fault.

Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father..

Girls Can Play Sports, Too. And Play Them Well.

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Fri, 19 Sep 2014 18:36:00 +0000

Last week, my daughter asked me why mostly boys wore Nike. So we spent this past Sunday afternoon watching the Nike Women and Under Armor YouTube Channels. The ensuing conversation developed into one that included following your dreams, sports, ethnicity, exercise and fitness and having an honest conversation around feminine physicality.

Now, she knows the names of multiple female athletes, across a range of sports and is much more empowered to believe she can do what she wants to through dedication, hard work and opportunity.

Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father.

#BackToSchool - College Style

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 10:30:00 +0000

My big boy is Back to School and halfway through his first week of classes. I'm not talking about bright shining faces and new backpacks back-to-school. Rather, rented minivan filled with boxes and clothes and hundreds of dollars in textbooks back-to-school. Not to mention that pesky tuition bill I'm paying via the grace of God and starting a 529 Plan for him nine years ago.

With everything that's currently going on in our nation, but even if we lived in a utopia, I couldn't be a prouder dad.

Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father.

This Video Will Leave You Smiling From Ear To Ear #wedoexist

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Mon, 16 Jun 2014 00:05:00 +0000

The video contained in this post was a rush job. There are no ifs ands and buts about it. I had been trying to schedule Scott for a shoot all week and when he was finally available, my time was not my own. But I committed myself to making it happen.

What I didn't anticipate was Scott's nervousness. We've discussed fatherhood in the past and also in the days leading up to my taping him. He's a fun-loving bear of a man who speaks with so much pride and passion about being a father I was caught off guard by his jitters about saying the right thing. Or worse, saying the wrong thing.

I knew that if we had to do multiple takes, this guy was going to start overthinking and making mechanical something that comes very naturally to him. So we did this in two takes, albeit with some camera shake, the Sun imposing it's will on us and my overlooking some tiny gaffes in the name of getting the most authentic and raw footage possible.

Unbeknownst to him at the time, Scott gave me some of the purest gold I've ever had the pleasure to watch. I literally have grinned from ear to ear while watching. Especially 2:55 into the video.

I hope you will agree. Fatherhood in Black: Because We Do Exist

Happy Father's Day to you and yours.

Before you go, meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father.

The Top 5 VERY Last-Minute Gifts For Dad

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Sat, 14 Jun 2014 15:36:00 +0000

So it's Saturday and you know you are knee deep in a huge mistake. You were busy all week. I know. I was too. You don't know what to get "for the man who has everything." To which I'm sure he would laugh, or simply not respond at all. Or, maybe you just plain forgot, which I genuinely understand. Father's Day is almost five days early compared to previous years. I was pretty psyched myself when I discovered this last week. This will be the first time my son's birthday, which falls a day or two before or after Father's Day, won't be the factor that typically preempts my ability to singularly enjoy the day. Hopefully, this year, I won't find out there are other factors.

The point remains that you're currently empty-handed and idealess on what to get Dear Old Dad and you actually believe socks, grocery store cologne, shaving cream under $35 and a tie of any price is insulting. And because the day is tomorrow there is no amount of money you can pay Amazon to get a gift to you by Sunday. Fret not! I've got some VERY last minute suggestions for you that won't bust your wallet (or even if they do, it's worth it) and are as far as your local Target and as close as your laptop.
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This Father Really Loves His Daughter

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Thu, 12 Jun 2014 16:00:00 +0000

Meet Ross. Ross is an acclaimed photographer, a devoted husband and the proud father of a bouncing baby girl. Ross was gracious enough to take a few moments to share his thoughts on fatherhood with me and is the inaugural subject of my new docu-series called Fatherhood In Black: Because We Do Exist.

The mission of this message is to promote the reality that men of color, particularly African American men, are dedicated, involved and loving parents despite what much of mainstream media promotes and in contrast to what many believe.

Tweet: This Father Really Loves His Daughter http://ctt.ec/3X9fd+ #parenting #fatherhood #dadstalking

This inaugural entry will eventually evolve into a very large project. Please view and share, this video and this blog post, as much as you like as I hope you will share in my personal passion to truly propel and position positive images of fatherhood. We're here, and always have been --- in plain sight.

My Week In May With the #2014ToyotaHighlander

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Mon, 26 May 2014 14:48:00 +0000

“Man this thing is big! It looks like a Transformer.”

This is what I said when I walked up to the gleaming “Ooh La La Rouge” (that’s the actual name of the color) 2014 Toyota Highlander Limited waiting for me in the parking lot of the Toyota dealership near my home. It was brand brand new with only a handful of miles on it. I smiled anticipating what a fun week I was going to have on Toyota’s weeklong Make Room campaign. Then I did what any man would do. I walked the perimeter of the vehicle, taking in it’s curves and lines, kicked the tires and smiled at the bright shiny nineteen-inch alloy wheels and their accompanying tires, Amor All shined to perfection.

Then I took a picture.

I climbed into the vehicle and took in all the appointments – a mix of leather and sophisticated composite materials that immediately suggests that care and attention has been put into this vehicle. It comes with all the bells and whistles that most top line 2014 vehicles should, push-button start, an overabundance of cupholders and interior storage space, back-up camera, sensor-laden mirrors, complete with turn signals that alert you to vehicles to your right and left (those pesky blind spots) and connected car functionality (Toyota’s system is called Entune®), which includes, GPS navigation, an in-dash touch screen, an instrument cluster that feeds you the most essential info from the navigation and audio systems, Bluetooth hands-free connectivity for your smart phone. It also came with a couple of other unanticipated options, namely, the 12-speaker JBL premium sound system, the three-zone climate control and perforated leather-trimmed heated and ventilated front-row seats. I mean seriously, seats that cool you off?
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My Dad - The Man Who Is My Father

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Tue, 13 May 2014 19:14:00 +0000

Not so many years ago I believed my father, pictured to the right of my mother, had the strength of ten men. Now as he dwells in the golden age of his life I am amazed by how slowly he moves and yet he is just as strong as he as always been considering that his brother, sister and nephew have all died in the past sixty days. Age has made him slightly crotchety and maybe dulled a bit of his shine, but his slowed pace has created a gracefulness in his movements and an appreciation for moments that I often overlook in my rush to get everywhere. I appreciate and love my father and consider him a living repository of knowledge for my family and myself.

I hope I can be this strong should I ever see the age of eighty-one.

#ThankATeacher: Celebrate National Teacher Appreciation Week 2014

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Mon, 05 May 2014 15:38:00 +0000

Many of my family members are teachers, including both my parents, and many of my friends have grown up to be educators. From preschool and elementary school teachers all the way up to university professors.

Despite the bad rap teachers often get and the few who make things very bad for the rest in the court of public opinion, our teachers are some of the best assets we have. Period. Everyday, we entrust our children's learning to people who have dedicated themselves to empowering and enlightening others, often thanklessly. What a mighty weight it is that they work underneath.

This is National Teacher Appreciation Week. If you like, please use the comments here to #ThankATeacher for the work they've done in your life or the lives of your kids.

You might be wondering how else you might be able to say, "Thanks!" Well actually saying, "Thank you," to your children's teachers is a good place to start, or buy them gift cards for lunch or coffee or school supplies or anything else that let them know you care about and appreciate them as a person.

For the naysayers who might say, "Why thank them for what they are getting paid to do?" Well my thoughts are this: no one is thanking me for the work that I do, outside of maybe my boss, maybe. But no one is trusting me with their kids, either.

#ThankATeacher

23 Things to Watch With the Sonos Playbar

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Tue, 22 Apr 2014 20:04:00 +0000

I recently was blessed with the opportunity to experience full-throttle, home theatre via the Sonos Playbar and its associated components.

This device is truly a work of art. Sleek, sturdy, heavy and like most art that is worthy of notice, a bit obtrusive, but in a good way. You will definitely enhance the flat, one-dimensional sound of your flat-panel television with the Playbar as a stand-alone speaker, but it plays even better with its friends. The SUB for the inevitable and often overlooked throaty lows that factor into most soundtracks and action sequences and two Play:1 speakers which operate as rear-channel satellites.
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How to Live At Peace (With Yourself)

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 15:38:00 +0000

I shared this on my Facebook page and figured it is worth sharing here as well. On March 11 of this year, my dad's oldest brother passed away and I journeyed back to my roots in the Midwest to see him off and to comfort my dad and cousins. This past Sunday afternoon I received news that one of my dad's sisters who was at the service passed away. A mere nineteen days separated their passings. Which makes four relatives gone in a seven month span of time. In between this both of my children were hospitalized one week apart from each other for a combined six days. On Christmas Eve, my son thankfully walked away from a car accident that left my former car in pieces.

I'm not sharing for sympathy or likes or shares or accolades or condolences or anything. And I'm not going to be cliché and proclaim, "Life is too short." Rather I would encourage anyone reading this to dispense with the BS as I have (if you have BS anywhere in your life), embrace the ones you love today, tomorrow and everyday thereafter until you no longer are able. Live a rich life. Make rich connections. Enjoy the little things. Don't get caught up in nonsense and shut it down when you are the source of said nonsense.

And...be sure to embrace the rough times too so they make you better and stronger rather than render you bitter and useless.

photo credit: anieto2k via photopin cc

Ultimate Commuting: One Driver At a Time

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 13:04:00 +0000

When it comes to conservation of resources I am the pioneer my house. I am Mr. Eco-Friendly. I am the head-recycler the head hyper-miler, and the head of "Who left the lights on?" "Why is this hot water running?" and so on.

As recently as this past Christmas I was trying to bring the house down to one car household after my son was involved in a car accident that left my vehicle totaled and in pieces. I was mentally drooling over the amount of gas we could save and how much we would reduce pollution. My wife shot this idea down with good reason. We have separate commutes and separate lives during the day. It would've never worked, at least not peacefully. After all, we're not in New York City anymore. So I moved on and instead of replacing my SUV with another SUV I purchased a smaller, sleeker, faster and considerably more fuel-efficient vehicle. Although I am thoroughly satisfied with my new car I often wonder what would be like to carpool as I travel alone back-and-forth to work with the exception of dropping my child off to school. Alternatively, I often look at the empty seats that keep me company on my commutes and think to myself, This is such a waste. It would be so cool if I could be in a one-seat vehicle.

Well the folks at Toyota who are paid to think about these things have come up with an amazingly simple solution to my quandary. Check out the video below

Want to learn more about the Toyota i-Road? Click here.

What your thoughts on cost-efficient and environmentally conscious commuting?

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Toyota. The opinions and text are all mine.

Matthew McConaughey: Chasing After Your Future You

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Thu, 06 Mar 2014 17:00:00 +0000

If 2013 was the Year of Restoration, 2014 is going to be the Year of Reparation. But I'll only be seeking reparations from myself. I'm seeking to repair all that the younger versions of me have done to create the current life I'm navigating daily. I'm so serious about this that I've got people helping me, everyone from a therapist to accountability partners.

A friend recently shared that he felt he was being punished for all his past mistakes. I heard him out, but I stopped him in his thinking and let him know although he may feel punished he is simply living out the consequences of his past decisions. And now is the time to fix the present to ensure the future.

Matthew McConaughey's 2014 Oscar acceptance speech has been making the rounds on the Internetz with commentary ranging from beautifully transparent to delirious, religion-soaked, self-aggrandizing rambling. Personally, I thought it was a sincere testimony to human frailty, humilty and majesty. That he could call out his thankfulness for the Grace that has been bestowed upon him, be driven to serve his children, then be in inexhaustible pursuit of the unattainable: you best future you (which means you're probably making a lot of other people's lives better along the way), is something to be thoughtfully considered and modeled in a world that, ~~for a long time~~ as of late seems consumed with nothing more than the self. What he could have said or should have said given the occasion is irrelevant. Whatever it was or was not as far as presentation is equally irrelevant. What he did say provided inspiration to the countless numbers of people who needed to hear that, right then and there in that moment.

I count myself as one of those many.

PS - there's nothing wrong with shouting out God, if that's what you believe.

photo credit: GabboT via photopin cc

Is Marriage Designed To Make You Happy?

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Wed, 05 Mar 2014 14:00:00 +0000

Is the institution of marriage designed to make you happy? Interesting question, right? One writer immediately comes to mind as an expert on this subject. If you take a moment to scroll through your mental slideshow, you will see imagery of marriage associated with happiness, no different that Coca-Cola is. Problem is, most married folks would argue down those images of happiness as anything from marketing fluff to fairy tales.

Happy marriages are populated by happy people. Framing it this way indicates that marriage is a construct within which two people operate/conduct their lives. So it is an operating platform rather than an emotion-stabilizer or edifier. In fact, I'll argue further that if you go into a marriage looking for it to make you happy, you will be sorely disappointed.

Tweet: Happy marriages are populated by happy people. A marriage by itself will never make you happy.

But enough about my thoughts on the matter. What do you think? Is marriage designed to make you happy?

How To Be A Great Dad

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 17:00:00 +0000

You don't have to trick yourself into believing you are super to be a good Dad. You don't even have to strive to be super, or perfect, or make sure all the i"s are dotted and "t"s crossed. All you have to do is love your kids, demonstrate love and kindness to them, teach them right from wrong and be there for them when they need you. Teach them about life before they leave home. Don't think "They'll figure it out," because they won't until they cross paths with persons or experiences outside your home, your guidance, your beliefs which may lead them down a long, rough road. This is an inevitability, not a possibility Give them more than money and provision. Give them Dad.

photo credit: Fabiana Zonca via photopin cc

Health Matters: Make A Healthy Impact In Your Community And Enter to Win $30,000

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 14:10:00 +0000

My daughter's godmother is an amazing woman. Aside from being a great friend, having a competitive and athletic spirit similar to my own and having one of the most robust laugh's I've ever heard, she's concerned about healthy eating. But her concern doesn't simply stop at herself or her immediate circle of friends. No, disappointed by the lack of healthy food choices at the bodegas in her neighborhood, she joined an organization that equipped her to go to these businesses to promote healthy food options. The last time we talked she had scoured her community, successfully convincing numerous business to stock their shelves with fresh fruits. I'm awed that she looked beyond herself to improve her community. But I know she isn't alone, neither in desire, nor effort.

All across America, caring people are quietly doing amazing things for the health of their communities. To say thank you, Health Mart pharmacists are awarding $50,000 in grants to community health non-profits to recognize them for improving health and well-being in their communities.

Entering is simple. Just tell your story about the good deed(s) you or someone you know has done, and you could win the right to select the non-profit of your choice to receive thousands of dollars to continue critically important work for the health of the community.

Health Mart’s Champions of Care Challenge will shine a bright light on those unsung local heroes whose everyday actions have built healthier families, workplaces, neighborhoods and communities.

A $30,000 grant chosen by the grand prize winner
A $3,000 grant chosen by the 2nd place winner
A $2,000 grant chosen by the 3rd place winner
$1,000 grants chosen by each of 15 finalists

Here’s How It Works:

Visit www.healthmartcommunity.com TODAY to nominate someone or yourself for the Champions of Care Challenge from Health Mart!

Beginning March 17th, 2014 Health Mart will open voting at www.healthmartcommunity.com for you and all your friends to vote for your favorite Champions of Care.

Disclosure: This is a sponsored post with the Niche Parent Network & Conference. All opinions are my own.

6 Things I Learned When I Left My Phone At Home

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 12:35:00 +0000

Forgive the long delay between posts. I've got issues. For real.

In fact, I've always had issues (newsflash) but lately I've really got my sleeves rolled up and I'm working on them and discovering several more as I toil. So I'm busy, busier than normal, and I don't have much time to write.

It seems like everyday I'm stumbling upon incredible insights from particularly basic experiences.

Yesterday, I left the house without my mobile device. As usual I was hustling my daughter out the door to school to get her there on time. I made this discovery about two blocks from the house when my car wouldn't connect to my phone. Yes, now that I have a new car (I'm not yet ready to tell the story of how my son totaled my beloved truck on Christmas Eve 2013 and thankfully walked away without a scratch), and by new I mean brand new, I've become sucked in to the high in tech package that comes with it (that I negotiated off the price of the vehicle). "Why isn't my podcast coming on?" I asked aloud to myself, I really wanted to pick up where I was last from my previous drive in the car. I instantly panicked, doing a quick pat down of myself while driving. My search didn't produce the blocky bulge I've been accustomed to carting around in my various pockets and I sighed heavily.

"What's wrong, Daddy?" my baby asked.

I thought to myself and answered, "Nothing, baby girl. I'm fine."

I debated for another block or so that 1) I didn't have the time to turn around to get the phone; 2) my first day back to work after a week off from mild snowstorms and a company holiday I didn't want to turn back around after dropping my daughter to school; and 3) I didn't want to go all the way home on my lunch break just so I could have it in case someone called or texted me. I simply didn't want to have to go through the hoop that this particular morning was asking of me. So I simply didn't. Making the pledge that somehow, someway I'd make it through the day without my phone. I prayed that all would be fine with my kids for the day, making it unnecessary for any teacher or administrator to call me about the little one, nor would the big one need me for anything before the evening. When I got to work I emailed my wife to let her know I didn't have my phone and she'd have to email me or actually call me at my work number in my signature of my email if she needed anything.

And I kept it moving. My colleagues at the digital agency where I worked teasingly chastised me heavily for leaving a digital device behind. I shrugged my shoulders. Miraculously, I survived and then some. Here's what I learned:
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Black History Month: Truths And Statistics

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 15:07:00 +0000

I grew up on "Black History Month", otherwise known as the twenty-eight days of February carved out of the year to shine a light or celebrate on Black pioneers, innovators and visionaries whose contributions have added to the everyday fabric of "American", or rather United States (since America is a continent), life. Things we take for granted such as the traffic light, blood plasma, engine lubricators and lawn sprinklers, or more recently, the Super Soaker.

Something else we take for granted is what is actually true about African Americans in the United States of America. Just recently a study debunked the notion that Black fathers aren't involved in their children's lives. I was interviewed on national television on this subject two years ago and was ignored when I suggested there was no "black fatherhood crisis."But honestly it's hard to know what to believe when the entertainment industry props up overpaid minstrels to present slices of a culture (and all cultures for that matter) as a culture in it's totality.

I grew up being taught at home about the greats who've walked this planet and share complexions and hues similar to my own. Somehow this caused me to see the exceptions exactly as they are: exceptions. But in 2014 it's a new day in age and storytellers have seemingly infinite powers of persuasion and penetration into society's psyche. Social media is a hot bed for racists, race baiters and racism chasers. And the news is whatever the people who press "Publish" say it is. But what about the truth? The video below seeks to explore the answers to this question by supplanting the mainstream narrative with some very quantifiable realities:

Episode 2 Airs Monday, February 10, 2014. I'm looking forward to hearing more.

How To Lead? Serve

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 16:54:00 +0000

After Wednesday's snow incident in Atlanta and the subsequent PR-disaster-taking-it-personal-tone-deaf responses (Note: for me it wasn't about their level of fault in the matter, but rather their lack of grace under fire) of the elected and appointed officials I was reminded of the following, leaders are supposed to serve - behind the scenes and in front of the hot lights.

I'm a servant of my family - my kids and my wife. I'm a servant of my community, my daughter's school, my boss and even my coworkers. I do my best to conduct myself with a humility and open hand that I've seen open far many more doors than my closed fist used to.

In 2014, take up the path of being a servant-leader.

photo credit: hectorir via photopin cc

On Getting Married: A Man's Point of View

noreply@blogger.com (E.Payne) — Sat, 25 Jan 2014 17:23:00 +0000

"I wonder how the groom feels right now...?" asked no one ever at a wedding. These days men are opening up about their marriages like never before. But the actual wedding day is something entirely different and something where I'd argue a man is ultimately more, prop than person in the fantastic day designed and built for brides. A man's point of view on his Big Day is rarely a consideration, but men actually do have a role in the whole experience and the perspective to match. Check out this slick book trailer for Ross Oscar Knight's recent release, In His Moment.

From the author:
In His Moment is a must read book for men and women before getting married. During a wedding, a groom's thoughts and words can easily surrender to the commotion around him, often going unnoticed. In his first book, Ross Oscar Knight explores the stories behind some of his most memorable images of men. Order your copy here.