In my Thoughts...

I can't believe...

2022-02-06T11:49:00.004-05:00

It has been this long since I last posted here. Nothing really has changed but my mentality.. I truly believe that I've gotten wiser and more stabled in my thought.

I'm not forcing anything. I am going with the flow of life. Mom is still doing the same. I really glad i put my life on hold to take care of her. Its been so worth it..

Da Rona is still wrecking habit.. My best friends have lost one of their parents due to it. It is sad to witness their heartbreak. This virus needs to be done away with. I just hope that those that insists on not trying to follow the rules will one day wake up.

Me and Kong is still dealing. dealing is all.. At this point my focus has really been of my self care and my mom. Plus he is sometimes moody.. He understands why things are the way they are, just he wishes I could do more with him. I guess he will stick around, heck he has been here now for almost 5 years... So only time will tell and if he is strong to surive.

How have you all been? Do any one still read blogs? I think back when I would promote this blog and now it is what it is.. So much to do not enough time to do it in.

I got here today just because I decided to log on to my laptop (I need a new one by the way)...

Enjoy your Sunday and be safe everyone...

2020 the that year sucks!

2020-10-12T10:23:00.004-04:00

Man these last few months ugh! I truly wish come election day we will get NEW President... This Coronavirus has really took me for a loop. Thankfully I haven't caught it as far as I know. I do know back in late February I felt horrible for about 3 weeks.

So much has been going on with me mentally and physically.. I am at the point as to where I am tired of being strong.. I am tired of being the family go to... I am tired of feeling like I am being obligated to do every freaking thing.

I am my moms caregiver and you would think that my family would back up and stop depending on me. I keep telling them I have enough on my plate. It's like the more I fuss the worse it gets. I have been trying to find another place to move that is a little further away from some of them. I didnt want to because I don't want to many changes on my mom. I just feel like I wont get a peace of mind unless I do though,

I have also been keeping my distance from the guy I have been talking to. I blame myself to believing that this time would be different. Well I can't really say that he wasn't trying. However I wanted more. I wanted him to be something I know he isn't capable of. So i tried my best and i think he tried his best. So with everything I have going on I just believe it is better to just finally let it go. I love him more than I ever had in the past. It is just time... We will always be friends and always love one another. I feel that anyway because I know that he does.. I have to love me more to get the love I desire. I don't think it might ever be possible but I rather be alone than to feel like a person can't love me enough. He just has issues that he isn't dealing with and I can't take that anymore.. I feel just prayers is all I can do until he figures it out and get help.

Now this election... ugh! I said back when the Orange thing was running that turmoil was going to be upon us.. I didnt think that it was going to get this bad.. I just still cant believe folks voted for this... I also rooting for Jaime Harrison can get Mr. Graham out of the SC Senate.. Being from SC we see that Graham hasn't and won't ever do right.. He more worried about himself and his personal life. We need to get back to unity...

Da Rona....

2020-04-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

It is 2020 now and we are experiencing a Pandemic... This virus that is called Covid-19, coronavirus, and what I call Da Rona. We are in some scary times. Like a lot of us never experienced something like this. It has put our lives in uproar. We have to social distance ourselves from other people. It also have it where we can't leave your house unless it is to go to work or to go to the grocery store.

By me staying home being my mom's caregiver, I've really had to change my life. I told my friends and family that they can not come to my house. I also had to get to the point where I am not allowing my boyfriend to come over.. (that is stressful) He is my sanity but we communicate through phone calls. See he still has to work so that is the main reason why I am not allowing him.. The 1st of the month I was sick as a dog and I 1st thought I had it... I was so scared.. I wasn't coughing but I had the fever and doing a lot of puking and diarrhea..

I truly pray that they find a cure and some type of prevention so we can get back to our normal. I am not much of a social person, I do like to hang out with friends when I can. I also worry about my mom. I had to tell her aides not to come until they can put a end to this. I want to have my cook outs. I want to be able to go over my man's house and enjoy a break from my home

So I pray that each of you are doing well in this troubling times . Don't forget to stay safe and keep your hands washed. I believe this will be okay in the end.

Everything is going well..

2019-10-29T12:05:00.000-04:00

I thought about how I don't update much any more. I think Facebook has taking so much from the blogging community.

Me and the guy I started back seeing is still doing well. Like most relationships you have good and bad days. However he knows when I mean business lol. My birthday no to long passed and he treated me well. I was shocked but I was happy in the same token. His birthday is in a few weeks and I am still trying to process as to what he is going to do or wants to do.

Mom is still hanging in there. It isn't as hard as it was in the beginning but still a little rough. She no longer walk so It is hard getting her around. I have came to grips about her life is changing and that this Dementia is a terminal illness. It hurts because you never think you could live without your parents.

The Holiday season is fastly approaching and I truly don't know how to feel about it. When I was decorating for fall last month I thought about how much LaShun (moms aide that died last year) helped me with my mom. I started crying.. Then once Christmas comes and knowing how much she loved Christmas, I don't know... She lost her life that day leaving my house and that day will forever be embedded in my mind.

Me and the man still trying to decide about what we are going to do in the future. He wants me to move in and I am still debating on that. I love my house but I also know that he isn't a fan of my town. He calls it country and I love the country lol.. I never been a city girl.

I hope all is well with each of you and until next time,... Take care..

Just let it be..

2019-04-04T08:29:00.000-04:00

The other day something was brought to my attention... Someone that is close to me is having concerns about someone that has been spending time with me. See she knows our past. I know that she doesn't like him well just because of what he has done to me in the past.
I take her concerns in to consideration but she is unknowing of the extent of me and his relationship.. The last few years since I been taking care of my mom he has been the constant person here. He checks up on us.. He sometimes spend the weekend with us and he gives me money if I need items like personal stuff and food. I have appreciated his company. When every one walked away or barely check up on me I know he will be there..
I'm not quite sure what to call him but my friend.. We been through hayal and back with one other.. True he sometimes make me sick but in other times we have alwAys had each other back.
She too has been there for me. She also helps me out when she can but when she calls and checks up on me it is mostly to find something else out about me or someone else. I love her but just let it be..
I'm ok right now with the dynamic of my life. I don't have time to go out and meet new people. I don't have time to put in for a new relationship.. He knows me, he knows what I like, and I'm willing to put up with him for the time being.
I don't think anything is going to come out of this but he is my friend that I was once madly in love with.. I have had my life ripped from me so if he brings me some type of happiness and joy can I just enjoy it.. It's feels good to have interaction with a male after just taking care of mom all day. A man's touch had become non existence I'm not perfect nor is he but I'm 25 years of friendship with him. We been through it all and we remain in each other's life.. Just let it be.

What's the Deal?

2019-03-25T17:56:00.001-04:00

I know I don't blog like I used to but what is up with all this spam?
Has Blogger going through the motions? I was thinking I might have to close the comment section. I hate doing that just in case some of you want to.. I truly don't know if folks still read my blog.. LoL
I am trying to get my cooking blog back together.. Been working on it for a few weeks..
I hope all are doing well. Nothing new with me..

The run down of the run down...

2019-01-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to you all... I am kinda glad for this new year. Last year well last month was HORRID for me.
It seems like after Thanksgiving everything in my life was falling apart.. It first started when my depression kicked in 10 folds.. It was so bad that I had just really had to take a break from almost everything.
Mom got sick and it seem like nothing helping her. Her doctor prescribed a antibiotic it worked while she was taking it but a few days later she was back sick again. I was so afraid I was about to lose my mom.. She even stopped walking and stopped responding to most things. She wanted to sleep a lot and it was nothing I could do.. One Sunday I just couldn't take it anymore, I called EMS and we headed to ER... We found out she was dehydrated and also had Pneumonia.. So they pumped her with a lot of antibiotics and IV fluids. In two days mom was back to being alert but however still not able to walk. She totally depends on me for everything.. I bathe, feed, change her, and give her medications. It's rough doing this alone even though we have aides and nurses to visit the home.

Speaking of At home help... (emotional part of December)One of my mom's aides that we adored so much lost her life on Christmas Day.. She was such a BIG help not only to my mom's life but mine. We didn't have to worry with La-Shun around.. A beautiful woman inside and out.. She was genuinely a fresh of air. She cared for people.. Man, she was a SWEETHEART! I didn't have to worry about my mom with her. I didn't have to work period. She helped me get things that my mom needed when he case worker was just so stagnant, She helped me decorate for Fall and Christmas.. She even helped pay for my Birthday celebration.. She was my sister.. I didn't know her long.. We met in August after mom slapped her last aide. Mom LOVED La-shun.. Even to this day mom didn't really know her name yet she still calls out.. She would look at me and say "where is she?" Every time I get tears forming in my eyes. On Christmas Day she came to help me bathe and get mom dressed for the day. I normally gave her holidays off but since mom is no longer walking I needed her help. She was so full of life that morning.. She gave mom gifts and watched her open them. She ate breakfast with us.. I am normally depressed and so gloomy on Christmas so she tried everything in her power to cheer me up.. She was excited to spend time with her family.. She said see you tomorrow and for me to please smile for her... I gave a fake smile.. Three hours later the company she worked for called and told me she was dead.. On her way to her next client she had a car wreck that threw her out the window and she went into cardiac arrest and died.. I am still trying to cope with the fact she is gone. I also couldn't watch the local news because they kept playing the video at the scene. I got new aide but they will not measure up to her.. I even had to let one go after working 3 days.. The heffa put her feet on my chair and came in high.

I had a total of 5 people I knew died in the month of December.. La-Shun, then my former church pastor that was big part of my life growing up.. My Best friend that died two years ago her mom died 3 days before Christmas, one of my friends that I had in school..I also had a cousin to pass...
So you all see why December was not a good month for me.

It's a New Year so I claim in the name of Jesus this year will be so much better.. Mentally, emotionally, and physically better..

It's been a stressful few months...

2018-10-29T17:04:00.001-04:00

I know I rarely come here and I apologized so much.. Well I have been battling depression, a cancer scare, and my mom dementia has gotten worse..

Back in June my Dr said I must get a mammogram and soon.. I didn't feel lumps or knots so I was like ain't nothing wrong with me and i got to keep looking after my mom. She has started becoming violent and it was hard keeping an aide. Also who is going to pay the bill.. Im broke and I don't work..
Well I got a biopsy and it came back to where they needed to remove breast tissue because it came back to having abnormal cells.. So while I am hear recovering I decided to get on here to let you all know..

I miss those years when this blogging was the bomb... Now as you all know this is for the birds...
I will always come back from time to time to let you know how things are.
I truly miss those I became close to over the years.. It is sad that Facebook and Twitter has really messed up the internet. I am always on there...

New Year Same Shyt...

2018-03-01T02:24:00.002-05:00

I'm up while mom is asleep... How crazy is that mess. Trying to doze back off and its kinda hard.. The rain is so heavy and man it sounds good. I did go to sleep at 8 ish.
I'm finally getting help soon with mom.. Hawl-lay-loo-yah!!!
It is so draining trying to keep up with Jet Lee.. I can turn my head she is out the door and down the street.. She mostly waits until I get in the bathroom.. Sneaky thing lol...

I want to believe thAt my friends just feel that I don't have time for them because of my situation... I say this because I rarely see or hear from some since mom has gotten worse. So I want to feel optimistic.. I know the times I have to call them I'm already in bed.. I tell you when Jet Lee goes to bed around 7 it's my cue to rest... Before you know it I am knocked out..

I truly want to finish my book.. I just need that extra energy... I wish I had someone to type while I talk.. Kmsl

This week... Geesh!

2017-11-17T20:14:00.001-05:00

I am trying to remain positive and get my life together.. I had to break away from Facebook again... My emotions sometimes get the best of me. Then I know I don't need to be telling all my stuff on there. Everyone isn't in your corner..

So I had to make the choice between medicine and food or telephone or internet.. So I went ahead and got medications.. I didn't even have enough to get food.. So I am managing the best way that I know how...

I got stopped by the police today while me and mother were taking our walk. The flew passed us then turned around and stopped me.. I am like we walking.. So she goes on to ask me for my identification and my name and address.. It was crazy to me. I sometimes get mistaken for other tall black females in this town and I don't look like any of them...
My cousins and my neighbors was outside trying to figure out why I of all people got stopped.. My mother was standing there looking like she was crazy. lol

It is now the weekend and I am at home like always... The holiday's is coming up and you know this time of year causes my depression.. I am trying to save face and keep myself together. I

Then I found 2 four leaf clovers in my yard... So luck just so happened one of my friends came and saved the day for me. So I am up and back running.. I still haven't got back on Facebook.. I think it will take some time for me.

Have Happy Holiday's if I am not back in time..

I am now 42 years old...

2017-10-17T10:41:00.001-04:00

Nothing has changed.. Another year... I got to celebrate my birthday this weekend with my cousins.. We had a great time however I felt the age kicking in... I just really wanted to stay at home and have drinks.
I decided that this year that I am going to give up on making wishes.. For 15 yr I made the same wish every birthday. Nothing has happened so I don't have to energy to make the same wish anymore.

It's seems like my purpose in life doesn't involved being loved by someone.
I was put here to be here for my mother. To look after her and make sure she is doing well.
I really don't have the time and energy to meet someone..
However time will tell just not pressing it anymore..

Friday NIGHT...

2017-08-11T21:29:00.001-04:00

I miss those Friday's when I just hung out with friends after a long work week.. My how Times have changed.

I really miss also having a boyfriend to just watch tv and movies with.. Occasionally go to friends houses and play cards. Order pizza or go out to dinner from time to time...

My Friday nights now includes getting mom ready for bed and watching Live PD until I fall asleep. This is getting very old to me.? I know once you get a certain age things you used to do you don't.. I'm a loner but I have had too much time alone...

As I stated my life has done a complete 360.. Even folks don't even call me anymore.. No one stops by the house anymore... I think my mom even feeling the way I feel.. She is like no one comes by unless you cooking.. Mom is silly like that..
May be one Friday I will be free and able to go out for drinks..
Heck, I might meet a man too... I'm so settled I'm tired of the single life..

I wish I had something good to say...

2017-08-08T17:12:00.001-04:00

I have lost my feel for blogging... I don't think many even read these things anymore... Facebook and Twitter is the blame for that, I think..

I wish that it was something good I could write you all about.. I am still in my feels.. I still feel alone and that no one is here for me. I try to remain positive but when I keep feeling like the road blocks are more constant I just keep losing hope. I cry daily and today I been crying all day long... I even had to walk away from Facebook because I see others living their lives and I am here not knowing where my next meal is going to come from.. It just makes me even more depressed...

Everyone keeps saying you gonna be Blessed one day.. Well I am already blessed but I need HELP..

Every road I go down it is a disappointment..

I know that it is hard being a caregiver for an elderly person, most of it is because this Government that we have refuse to help them. I went all avenues I knew of to try and get help for mom.. All have been denied.. Now, we would be able to get back on our feet if I go back to work.. Going back to work is impossible because the money I get would have to go to someone to sit with my mother. She has to have 24/7 care and all the programs I knew to get all gave a deny stamp...

What I don't understand is Dementia not qualify as a disability? My mom has that, kidney disease, Seizures... She can not cook, comprehend, and take a bath without help..

I am just really trying to understand all this.. It is very hard..

I keep praying for a break.. Maybe this is God's way in keeping me humble....

One day I will have some good news.. I hope anyway..

This humdrum life I live....

2017-06-21T13:47:00.001-04:00

Getting mom the help she needs.. Me wanting to go out and do things outside the home... I sometimes feel like my life is just humdrum and doing the daily routine is driving me INSANE...
I have found ways to get her on a schedule to where it is finally working.. However it is making me move on autopilot and man... I want something different to happen..

A couple of weeks ago I went out two weekends straight and I LOVED it... The only problem those who said they would stay with mom while I was out didn't do what needed to be done also acted like it was just a lot of trouble to deal with.. Talk about making me furious.. I don't understand.. When I have family members who say I am going to help you.. You would think that is what they will do.. NOT!

Then these dreams I keep having about this man is making me nuts as well.. See me and this guy have grown up together.. I know that he is bad for me and I am not really interested in his lifestyle but in this dream.. LORD! I want the dreams to stop anyway.. I am going on one year of celibacy (yay me, I did it) and I don't want any drastic changes in my life.. I am happy to say I have overcome my addiction.. So with that being said, I say NO to my dreams.. Don't need it or want it..

I have been trying to keep my distance from Facebook.. It seem that people on my friends list are angry or really in search of a relationship.. I know everyone have mood swings but dang... Is it really that bad.. I know for me it would be nice to be with someone outside talking to my mom all the time.. Yet, I don't have the time, energy, or patience to deal with someone else feelings and time.. I tell you since mom has needed my attention for the last year... I get guys asking me when I am going to make time for them. I am like.. UGH....

I have some much else I want to talk about put my finger tips are killing me right now.. LOL
Have a great day, Be Blessed...

Mother's Day.. Thankful to have my mom still..

2017-05-12T15:17:00.000-04:00

Man, the scare that my mother has gave me a scare last week..

Her health has been declining for some while now... She is now having seizures.. One morning mom fell and had a seizure. She ended up spending 3 days in the hospital.
She came home and it has been a total adjustment for us. She is on more medication now.

I tell you I am THANKFUL mom pushed it through and still with me. I don't know how I would be in this world without her. She is a hoot and the only person I really have to have my back.

To all the Mothers.. Happy Mother's day..

This was one great weekend...

2017-04-18T20:43:00.001-04:00

I know that I am late with this post.. (was hella busy yesterday..)

I hope everyone who celebrates Easter had a wonderful one..
I sure did.. I cooked a massive meal and my family came and we hid eggs for the kids.

My mom even enjoyed herself very much...

We are trying to have more family events this year... Since mom health has declined...

So I am glad we got a chance to enjoy this weekend with food, family, and faith...

I sometimes feel like I am losing it...

2017-03-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

Everyday is a battle with getting my mom up and dressed...
So I have been just letting her do what she wants... If she want mixed matched shoes... If she doesn't want to take a shower... I just let her be.. Unless we have to go to a doctors appointment.. Then I just argue with her until she does it.. Why is it that older folks get to the point of not caring about hygiene? My grandmother did the same thing...

So I am on this make sure she takes her medicine and you feed her well... Anything else just go by day to see what mood she might be in.. Since I have been doing that my blood pressure has went down some.. I am not on 3 types of medication for it.. I can no longer drink so the glass of wine or a shot of tequila doesn't can calm me down anymore..

So I am choosing my battles with this woman.. In the process I am starting to put my #JetLeeChronicals into play.. To help those who are their parents caregiver to show it is ok to laugh when you really feel like crying... My mom is hilarious and there are things she does daily that will make anyone smile..

Looking at my Blessings with the side eye on my life in general..

2017-02-27T16:28:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for everything. I am one of the most humblest people in the world. I have always known how to survive and make the best of everything. I have learned over my years on this earth that most of the time there are things you really don't need and a want is just a want. You can go without it and you can find ways to something equivalent to what you want.
So I am blessed. I am also blessed to still have my mother here. Although daily her health and mind is not the mother I once knew.. It breaks my heart but I know this comes with age. As I said before, been down this road before with my grandmother Bernice.

I almost peed in my pants this morning when I called my doctor office and was said that I have a zero balance. I just knew they wasn't going to see me any longer because I can't afford insurance anymore and I was making monthly payments until the move... I stopped paying around August because of finances.. I was ready to start back paying them and when they said that I was like Look at God.. Won't he do it.. (insert praise)

(side-eyeing Life)

This past year I have felt so lonely. I have felt that no one really cares about me or what I am going through. I know over the years I have pushed people away but that were some I wasn't really close to.. Since I have moved into this new home and been going through the motions with mom and my health.. It's like no one calls, no one writes, and no one stops by... I don't even get inboxes on Facebook asking how am I doing.. It is the little things that would perk me up.

It amazes me when you are always there for others when you just need a conversation no one has time to just be there for you.. People do have their own lives and I know some don't know what to expect from me time after time.. My emotions and my moods be all over the place.. I just want a good gut busting laugh.. Something that lets me know life still exist..

OMG!!

2017-01-15T10:29:00.001-05:00

Feeling like a rock in a hard place is becoming too much for me. I had high hopes for this month. I just knew that everything was going to fall into place.. Man, was I wrong..

I don't know what to do but a lot of it is at one point in time I was too nice to the wrong people.
I am trying not to be hard on myself and I am also not trying to block the blessings that have already been stowed upon me.

I do want to find some peace in my mind and spirit. It is really taking it's toll.. I know I will eventually be at a point where I need and want to be. Just hoping I don't die before I get there. My stress level is on High Alert..

As far as financial stand point, if I can get a hold of an and extra 200 a month I will be on the right track as far as bills. I had bill before I had to quit work to take care of mom and they need to be paid.. I am hoping that they can hold on a little longer until/when tax time comes.

All in All I feel things are promising. I have faith and time on my hands..

My hiatus from Facebook..

2017-01-13T19:41:00.002-05:00

This past Monday I said I would deactivate my Facebook if Clemson won..

I tell you their fans will irk the shyt out of you. I live about 15 miles away from there and their FANS are every where.. A lot of them in my family.. When they are winning that's all they talk about. So me being who I am I wanted them to lose.. It would have made my day.. LOL

Now they do have a great team and I am proud of their accomplishments but I tell you them FANS..

They will suck the life out of you. Then watching the news locally OMG... It's every 5 minutes of the news cast they are mentioning Clemson..

I grew up with my father loving them. Then my brother and a few cousins graduated from there.

Through out school most of my teachers went there as well.. (They were a bunch of airheads)..

I deactivate my account but because a lot of my other accounts are link to them I had to re-activate.. I wasn't happy about that though.. Yet, I haven't read anything on other's timeline. I have even looked at my notifications..

They been having parades,.. Going crazy over the gear and packing out Wal-Mart just to take a picture with the trophy...

I don't think I have missed anything and I said I was going to be away for a month.

Since I haven't been on there I cleaned out my back yard.. I have been reading more..

So taking a break from from Facebook might be good..

Especially since I have been going through so much and my depression has been on overload.. I think that breaking away isn't causing me to be took off course..

When Depression seems like it is kicking your butt....

2017-01-11T10:25:00.000-05:00

The other day while on Facebook.. I was looking through some of my older post.. I started to think of the person I used to be... (I hate looking back).. I don't know why that started a train of emotions for me.

I used to go out and enjoy life. I used to be the bell of the ball, The life of the party... When I went out I made it a mission to enjoy it to the fullest.. (In some cases I did make bad choices as well)... Anyhoo my 20's was DA Bomb and my early 30's was as well.

I also reflect on how everyone was always around me. I was still a loner too... I was suffering with my mental disease.. I covered it up big time. I didn't want people to think sorry for me.. I always wanted people to think I had my shyt together.. Little did I know this crap will back fired on your arse once you get older. See all these years of saying I am ok.. I got myself in order.. I don't need anyone.. I am doing just fine... When you go telling people I am NOT ok.. People look at me like I am crazy.. What? "Tracy you're strong, you don't need no one"..

Once that is said to me.. I shut folks out.. I know there are others out there in the same boat or worse... I just feel like some just don't understand.. Granted I know how to push through it.. I have done it for years.. Then the longing for love and understanding doesn't make it any better..
Beside a FEW folks in my circle of friends, and I mean few.. I still keep in contact with.. Keeps in contact with me at least once or twice a month.. About 2 to 3 family members do as well..

This depression keeps me non motivate, misery, and drained.. If you never been through it (everyone have bad days,, Yet when it's days, months, years) you don't know this feeling..

Watching my mom go through all these changes MAN, it makes it worse... Then trying to maintain this household, watch over her, and keep myself up.. I feel like I am at my wit's end.. I keep my faith in God that his will is going to see us through all this..

Me not knowing happiness and what it is that would make me happy is a downer but I am not going to let this defeat me.. I feel that one day something will come through...

Bye Bye 2016

2016-12-30T21:09:00.000-05:00

In all my life I think this has been the hardest year on record..
A lot of changes happened.. I learn who my real friends are. I also realized those who genuinely supports and respects me.

Seeing the changes in my mother have been heartbreaking. I am glad that she has me though. Back in May I had to leave my job to be home with her. When I tell you when you are at the bottom most people that you have been a support to will leave you with no problems. I guess you can say, They were never a friend to begin with.

This year I lost one of my best friends from childhood. She lost her life due to cancer... She fought long and hard for about 3 years with the disease. I truly miss seeing her smile.. My prayers are with her family especially her Daughters.. She was the glue to the family..

The celebrities death, man oh man... So many of them.. Prince was hard on me, I still upset about that... Then Rickey Harris, Boy George, and Maurice White, and so many others.. I think I counted around 50 of them that passed away this year. So sad...

2016 seem to have been a year of mourning, disappointments, and hardships for so many people.
So yes, I am ready to see this year go. I thought at 1st 2015 was bad... NOT it was a doozy compared to this year.

I think the good thing that came out of this year was that I moved into a home that I can be proud of. A nice home, a beautiful home, and comfortable home.. Now paying the bills is another thing.. LOL

I hope each and every one of you have a Happy New and Prosperous New Year...

1 Love!!

Settled in....

2016-12-20T18:21:00.001-05:00

I never thought that I would ever move out of my childhood home. So many memories...

Besides still going through it day by day.. I am finally settled in... I think I am happy in this new place.. It is a step up from the old and so much space... I wanted and needed a bigger house and I finally got it.. It still is taking a little to get used to because I rarely in my bedroom like I once was.. (haven't had a lazy day in months)..

I am kinda scared of what my electric bill is going to look like. I'm barely making it as is.. I am hopeful though.. A way will be made some kind of way..

Mom is liking it. Her sleep patterns is so much better than it used to be. She occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom but as far as that, she is sleeping very well.

I pretty much have all my decorations in order.. My living room is Afrocentic and my Bathroom is too.. My bedroom is a little of Afro, Bohemian, and Glamour.. You can call it eclectic.. My kitchen is red and sunflowers... Mom's room is old country chic..

I hope to make this home a home that I can be comfortable in for a long time. So far it is..

Ready for a blessed and promising new year!!

In a different place in life..

2016-12-01T19:38:00.000-05:00

I have moved.. A house that I lived in for all my life beside a few times I left and came back...
A house that my mom was in since 1963...

The last few years I was getting frustrated with the house that we were in. The neighborhood sucked as well.. It wasn't what it once was. I remember my childhood being such a peaceful loving place.

This past Tuesday was my first day in my new home and I can say.. I love it.. It is what I needed right now in my life.

At first I didn't know if my mom would be able to adjust to the move but she did... So far she is doing a little better with her memory and stuff.. I am glad plus she is sleeping so much better... Plus I have noticed her attachment to me. She follows me in every room... She also has noted that I sleep in the bed with her and watch tv... lol I love my moms and I know right now we have been in a struggle to stay a float but I wouldn't change anything.

I quit working to make sure my mom be in her best care. I am happy to do such..

As the month goes along I will be sure to update everyone..

Doing the Work...

2016-09-18T12:31:00.001-04:00

I have been following the "Fix My Life: The Healing House" I can say I see so much of myself in all these women. I been following along with the Deeper Dive that she has on YouTube as well. The exercises are helpful too.

As I look at these Brave women it gives me a sense of self. I used to think only me go through these things because everyone around me seem to live in this perfect head space.

There are a few labels that I identify with totally.

Hurt
Anger
Unloved
Lost
Fear
Hopeless
Disappointed
Ashamed
Alone

Those labels resonate with me.. I can say I feel all of these labels and sometime I do act out because of having these feelings..
Those of you who have followed me over the years.. You see how my life is a roller coaster and not all ways peachy.. I have a lot of unresolved issues.
I've been a person who like CLOSURE and those that have affected my life never had the consideration to give me that.
So as I continue this process of healing myself and my heart I am going to try and let go off all this that makes me angry, bitter, confused, and hurt.

I know for one, I am really tired of feeling my feelings.. You know Black Women can't break and that causes us to be in a lot of unhealthy relationships as well as just health... I want and need to feel worthy and for me to get to that point.. I have to Do The Work.. I can no longer neglect myself to make others happy.. I can no longer be passive/aggressive..

I am going to try to always do what is right for me and just let others fend for themselves..
With me taking care of my mother and having no job and no income coming in, has taught me a lesson.. I am going to put in the work.. I have to... I can no longer deal with life the way that I have been dealing with it.