M. Word of the Day

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:36:00 +0000

I signed up for the Word of the Day from Dictionary.com a while back. As I always enjoy learning new things, every day it’s always nice to get an email with some fancy word & its meaning. And it’s usually a word that no one without a law degree would ever use.
Today’s word is ‘casuistry’ – Meaning specious [another word no one uses], deceptive, or oversubtle reasoning, esp. in questions of morality.

Huh?

This is how Dictionary.com uses ‘casuistry’ in a sentence:

"And how will it work in infinite time? It's nothing but casuistry, casuistry. It's a way of explaining my own impotence."

-- Isaac Bashevis Singer, The Seance

I think I need to get my Word of the Day from another dictionary authority, because that is SO cray-cray!

Sookie vs. Snooki (aka Hot vs. Snot)

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 02:44:00 +0000

I'm not the first to make a comparison, but here's my take on an actor vs. a character:

Sookie vs. Snooki

Is pale in color - Is bright orange in color

Is Rafaela - Is bouffant

Vampires, Werewolves & Shape-shifters - Gym, Tan & Laundry

Enjoys cold blood - Enjoys hot tubs

Removes nails from coffins - Loves press-on nails

In a relationship - Friends with benefits

Relatively short - Relatively short-er

Into making out with vamps - Into make-up

Kicks vampire butt - Gets bitch-slapped

Friend of Lafayette - Friend of The Situation

Is telepathic - Is telepathetic

Sells True Blood drinks - Sells hijinx

Is a real actor - Is a real character

Guardian Angel email gods

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:47:00 +0000

I just adore the email gods. They are always looking out for my best interest. Why, just today alone I received several emails alerting me to the massive savings that await me at several online Canadian pharmacies!

Who needs annual physicals and doctors exams when the email gods know what’s ailing you? I was especially impressed when they politely informed me that I was suffering from erectile dysfunction. I didn’t know that before. Or, that my hair was falling out. This information must be true – the gods know everything, don’t they?

And, just the other day, the gods were extremely concerned that I hadn’t viewed my fair share of porn involving “seksyhouswves frm AsiA” That’s just incredible!

But what really impressed me was when I was notified that I was the sole heir to a multi-billion dollar fortune. It was so kind of that Nigerian man to help me get my hands on it (and the transaction fee only cost me $25,000).

I’m SO blessed to have such guardian angels watching over me.

Top 10 Reasons to Be Happy on a Thursday

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:48:00 +0000

10) I still have a job.

9) Learning the definition of a new $50 word like ‘absquatulate’. (And spell check thinks it’s not a word.)

8) All 3 dogs poo’d during their morning ablutions, so I won’t find any tootsie rolls on the floor when I get home.

7) Curiously wondering why the cleaning lady always leaves the shutters like this after she cleans them. Is that some kind of secret code?

6) Re-playing a funny video at Dr. Zibb's blog over and over again.

5) The color burnt orange.

4) Reassurance that someone officially has the ability to tell my future.

3) Wondering if a colleague, who is a new grandmother in her 60’s, will wear her hot pants and stilettos to work again on ‘casual Friday’.

2) Catching a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and realizing the booger hanging on the edge of my nose must have been there since I left the house two hours ago.

1) Finding $7 in the console of my car that I didn’t know I had.

What are you happy for this Thursday?

NPR - I didn't KNOW that!

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 21:38:00 +0000

I listen to NPR (National Public Radio) every day for NPR (no particular reason). Sometimes, they have interesting, in-depth stories from time to time. However, sometimes they can rant on for fifteen minutes about the most inane subject matter.

Just yesterday they were chatting with someone from Liberia to celebrate Liberian Independence Day, and some of the euphemisms that are indicative of Liberian culture. [Is there a synonym for euphemism?]

Here’s one: “Do not say a man’s hair smells while you are sitting on top of his head.”

There were a bunch more of these isms explained in-depth for about what seemed like an eternity. This got me thinking – I wonder what other challenging topics I would like for NPR to investigate.

Here’s a list of my suggested topics that I'd like NPR to report on:

1. Paperclips – utilitarian object or Objet d'art?

2. The power of Jheri Curl

3. Why is Ketchup red?

4. Determining Body Mass Index by counting your freckles

5. Survivors of childhood Francophilia

6. Teeth Bleaching

7. Voodoo: America's secret weapon against terrorism

8. Dust Bowl: Mother Nature or government conspiracy?

9. When protesting too much is a good thing

10. The Dangling Participle

"Caption This" of the Week

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:30:00 +0000

Go ahead...caption this!

Charleston - Day 3 (The Architecture)

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:37:00 +0000

On Sunday, I took a stroll about town to take some snaps of the famous Charleston architecture and buildlings. Charlestonians were very smart back in the day. They passed a series of ordinances to restore and preserve historic buildings, including private households. To this day, walking around downtown is like walking through history.

I can't even imagine how unconfortable it must have been to ride in a carriage down this bumpity bump cobblestone street.

I wish the cars weren't in this shot. They detract from the charms of the homes.

King Street (the Rodeo Drive of Charleston)

This is called a Single House. This type of architectural style is only found in Charleston. If you look, you'll notice that the entry door does not lead directly into the house. It leads onto the front porch that faces the garden. The side of the house actually faces the street. The outer door to the street also provided ladies a little privacy so they could gather their dresses before heading out onto the street. If the door weren't there, then a gentlen walking down the street might catch sight of a bit of her ankle. Scandalous! Today, when you walk down the street, you see putanas everywhere.

Even an alley way in Charleston is charming.

Charleston - Day 3 (Odd bins & Another Plantation)

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:36:00 +0000

We visited Drayton Hall on Sunday. It was the main plantation of the Drayton Family. It was built in the 1700's by a 23-year-old Thomas Drayton. Uh, yeah...I'm thinking his family was already wealthy. The Drayton family also owned Magnolia Plantation, as well as about 20 + more plantations. The house still stands today. It has not been restored, but rather preserved. You can still see how it would have looked like back in the day.

Oh my! "There WILL be a barbecue at Twelve Oaks tonight!"

Brick detail.

All hand-carved.

I don't know why you would want a carving of a wild boar on your mantle.

Graffiti. From the Civil War. I always think of graffiti as a relatively modern thing, but these marks were made by soldiers who occupied the house during the Civil War. Most of the plantation homes were burned in the war, but Drayton Hall was untouched. It's not know why, but two brothers of the Drayton family fought on either side - one for the Union, the other for the Confederacy. That may have something to do with. It's also rumored that after the soldiers left the house during the war, one of the Drayton family members tacked a sign on the front gate that said "Quarantined due to fever." Clever.

High ceiling and ginormous windows helped circulate the air in the house. The A/C of the 1700's! Can you imagine having to wear all those heavy clothes and undergarments in that heat? They must not have been a pretty smelling people back then.

The view from the back of the house to the Ashley River. If you wanted to go to Charleston from Drayton Hall back then, you would have to wait for the tide to go out so you could drift south to Charleston. Then you'd have to wait until the tide started coming back in to get back to Drayton. About a 3-hour trip each way.

Well, I do declare. Is that Miss Scarlet coming up the road hitha? This is looking out from the front door of Drayton Hall. When the house was originally built, the driveway probably would've came directly up to the front porch and ended in a return circle.

The family outhouse. Even the wealthiest of people had to poo in an outdoor pot.

AND NOW FOR THE ODD BINS...

My latest acquisition. An M&M's fan.

It reads "Ann Morris was a communicant of this church. Her slaves and the poor can tell they have lost their best friend." Really? REALLY?! She was best friends with her slaves? Those crackers were really in denial, weren't they?

Talk about a horse's arse. Rush hour.

Tombstones that have my birth date as the date of death always intrigue me. On that date, I turned seventeen, and she dropped dead. Fickle thing, life.

Hey, get back here Sassypants! I wanna take your picture.

Seagrass.

The Pier.

Cooper Bridge. The symmetry of the bridge is unrivaled.

You can see a better picture of the bridge if you click here.

Need I say more?

Warning sign for streakers.

Planter's Inn hotel lobby.

250-year-old oak tree. If that tree could talk...

So, there you have it, my trip to Charleston. A few words of advice: Spend at least three whole days there, and for Gawd's sake, go when the weather is cooler. Phew!

Charleston - Day 2

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:22:00 +0000

On day two, we spent most of the day at the Magnolia Plantation. I wanted to learn more about plantation living, but in particular what the living conditions of the enslaved people were like. I already had a pretty good idea. I just wanted to confront it face to face.

This is the Main House on the Magnolia Plantation. It's actually the third house that was built here over a few hundred years. The other two burned down. (Damn Yankees!) I was more impressed with the grounds than I was with the house. It was last occupied by descendants of the Drayton family in 1975, so there was a lot in the way restoration and modernization done to the house. That certainly took away from the charm.

Whodathunk pond scum could look so cheery?

Why, who is that gentleman?

Can you imagine strolling over this bridge back in the day. Maybe sipping a mint julip, and watching a man tip his hat to a lady passing by (just before he pushed her in the pond). *snicker*

This is the oldest slave cabin on the property, built in the early 1800's. Many freed slaves and their descendents remained living and working on the plantation long after the Civil War. The house pictured here is a duplex and was occupied by two families with about 8 - 10 people living on either side of the house. Them's close quarters.

This cabin was occupied by Mr. Owens. He was a descendent of slaves. He worked on Magnolia Plantation as the grounds keeper and lived in this house until 1990. No electricity, no running water. Can you imagine people still living like that in 1990?

I don't remember which cabin this bed was in, but it was probably the cabin that Mr. Owens lived in since it had an actual bed. All the other cabins had no furniture or fixtures. And there certainly wouldn't have been enough beds to fit for 8-10 family members.

Inside one of the slave cabins. I wonder what must have gone through the mind of a slave while they were looking out their door? A beautiful world outside, but still living in darkness and bondage.

I was actually surprised to see a fireplace in the cabins.

Trinkets found in and around the cabins.

The people who lived in the slave cabins took pride in their surroundings, even though there was little in the way of comforts. These are shots of newspaper reprints demonstrating how they used newspaper to decoratively line the walls of the cabin. Look at the 'Barney Google' strip. Doesn't the font in 'Google' look eerily familiar to the Google we know of today? When I first read about 'Beauty Show...", I thought it said 'Beauty Show Draws THONG to Folly". The heat was definitely getting to me.

Charleston - Day 1

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:25:00 +0000

CJ's BAAAACK! (And speaking in the 3rd person).

Well, I'm back from my long weekend in Charleston, South Carolina. It was fantastic, but the heat & humidity..phew! And I thought Miami had a lock on the 'armpit of America' phrase.

Here are some pix of the trip:

When you visit Atlanta you must drive by the 'Corey' smokestack. It's full of hot air, just like me.

37 miles outside Atlanta, we spied a Zaxby's sign next to the highway, so we thought we'd give it a try. You know those commercials that feature all the B-list celebs (and some D-listers) telling you how fabulous Zaxby's is? Don't believe it. First of all, I couldn't figure out the menu. What's a 'Nibbler Platter' anyway? When I told the cashier that I've never been to Zaxby's before, she yelled out, "WE GOT A NEWBIE!". So embarrassing.

But the decor was clever. I especially liked this sign on the wall. 'Fancy Women'? Must have been the genteel precursor to 'slut' or 'ho'.

Yay! Piggly Wiggly. My grandma Joyce used to shop at a teeny tiny PW back in the day.

Honey, PLEASE don't miss the exit!

After taking the exit that brought you into downtown Charleston, this is what I saw first. Slums. It could only get better. What a way to welcome you to their city.

Almost at the hotel, and I spotted this parade. Hello, ladieeeeees. Going out for some boot stompin' this evening, are we?

Spotted this little guy oustide a fire department. At first I thought it was real.

Of course. The Daughters of Confederacy museum. It was across the street from the Planter's Inn, where we were staying.

Out of Office Notice

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:54:00 +0000

Hey Peeps,

I'm off to Charleston, South Carolina for a 4-day weekend to participate in the 2010 Miss Magnolia Pageant.

Not really. Are you disappointed?

Although I'll have my laptop on hand, I don't know if I'll get to postin' anything until I get back home. Between all the food, drink and plantation tours, who knows when I'll have time to write.

Well, I'm off to get a facial in preparation for all the debauchery.

Be back soon!

Woman robs McDonald's with granny panties

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 19:58:00 +0000

(Read this with a Southern twang in your voice)

In Midwest City, Oklahoma, some old biddy walked up to a McDonald’s drive-thru winder and robbed ‘em blind.

Surveillance video showed the woman was wearing underwear wrapped around her face and tied together with paperclips around 3:00 a.m.

She reached into the drive-thru winder when employees stepped away for a minute, and stole the booty from the cash register, apparently using a key.

(Okay, turn off the twang already)

Yes, this is actually a true story. If you don’t believe me, check this out!

After reading about this, I was left to ponder. She had a key to the register? I bet it was an inside job orchestrated by the Hamburgler.

Food Police

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 14:04:00 +0000

What do you call someone who is obsessed with what you eat? I don’t know, but there is a lady where I work that always passes by my desk whenever I crack open a soda or if I’m crinkling food packaging.
I noticed her behavior several weeks ago, so I started an experiment…

CRACK! The soda can opens…she walks by my desk.

Just as she’s passing my desk, and out of the sight from my eyes, I glance up just in time to see her peeking out of the corner of her eye at what I’m eating.

POP! The container holding my eggs and bacon opens…she gets up and walks by…and glances. She never says anything…she just looks.

FLIP! The sucking sound of the jar of peanuts I open…she walks by. Peeks.

CREAK! The sound of the container of blueberries opening…she walks by…to investigate.

The smell of orange lingers in the air. It catches her nostrils. I see her stir at her desk. She gets up and walks by my desk. I just stare at the back of her head as she walks by. I’m thinking what is wrong with you woman?

Then it dawns on me, like that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes over you when the red wine kicks in – she’s obsessed with food.

YES! I remember now, she’s the one who is always talking about what diet she is on, how many calories are in EVERYTHING, and talks about how HEALTHY she eats. Trust me, I’ve seen what she eats, and it’s not exactly fresh off the vine.

I always have a piece of fruit on my desk to eat every day - usually an orange or an apple. Today, I have an orange and a banana. I’ll eat those, then dig into the blueberries I have stashed in the break room fridge. The orange has been on my desk a few days.

I wonder if she’s wondering when I’ll eat it?

Charice Gets Botox

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:05:00 +0000

Charice Pempengco, the singing sensation whose career was launched into orbit after she appeared on the Phantom of the Oprah Show, is getting pulled tight – at the ripe old age of 18.

Huh? Did I read that right?

Yup! She’s set to play a guest starring role in next season’s Glee. She reportedly received Botox and an anti-aging procedure so she can “look better on camera”. Charice’s publicist, Liz Rosenberg (Madonna’s long time gal pal and publicist BTW), says the treatments are for muscle pain in her jaw (yeah, where have we heard that before).

No sooner than this little girl is plucked from the slums of Manila around the age of 15, she is whisked off to Harpo, Ho’s and Hollywood. Come on, people! Does she really need Botox – for anything?

For whatever reason Charice got the Botox, I smell a sneak. Since when does a publicist step in to defend Botox treatments of their client? Ordinarily they would just say ‘no comment’ or not even address something so trivial.

Plus, Charice’s treatments were videotaped (coming to a tabloid TV show near you). It’s all called a publicity stunt, folks. AKA the ol’ 1-2-3 Publicity Punch: New album-TV Show/video-New Look.

Over the past few decades, I wonder who Liz Rosenberg has done that for over and over again?

Weekend Schmeekend Part II

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 12:58:00 +0000

Well, I didn't get through everything on my Saturday to-do list today. I was literally running around from 6:45am to 7:15pm. AND I took a nap...on a Saturday. I'm SO sleeping in tomorrow - until 7:00am.

But there were some high points. Hubz is finally home after a week of travel. I got a fantastic haircut, and I skipped making dinner and we went OUT to dinner.

My optometrist squeezed me into his schedule to check my bum eye. Over the past few months I've gotten dizzy when I shift my sight from one object to another. In the past two weeks it's happened every few minutes. It's strange. On my last checkup, he mentioned that he saw a spot on my retina, but said it's nothing, but 'we should keep an eye on it' (no pun intended).

I had to rule out that it wasn't the spot, so that I could then find out if it was an inner-ear infection that was making me dizzy - or whatever. Or was I getting vertigo? He said the spot was a freckle and that it was harmless. After our discussion, he determined that it was due to my sinuses. Eyes watering, eye twitching, etc.

After living in Georgia for 2 1/2 years, my optometrist told me that that is usually the amount of time that it takes for someone who has never experienced allergies or sinus problems to develop these things. Pollen is EVERYWHERE HERE! And get this, he didn't charge me a thing for my exam and he stayed late to accommodate me. See, there are still good people in the world.

It's almost midnight and I'm gonna crash soon, but I feel pleasantly calm and my head is happily tingling from the Claritin.

Goodnight.

Weekend Schmeekend

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 03:50:00 +0000

I am sold out with errands on Saturday. It is the weekend, right? Jeeesh, I gotta solve world peace too? I'll give it my best shot.

Caption This...

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 19:54:00 +0000

Caption this!

Bewildered Bob Strikes Again

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 01:54:00 +0000

Bewildered Bob was at my desk again today…

“Corey, I don’t know if you can help with this or not. It’s kind of a strange…well, let me say… Okay, well here’s the story. This guy Harold who works out at the Gwinnett branch. A manager. You know he’s a great guy. He’s 6'5" tall, played basketball in college. He also played against Larry Byrd. You know the player who was on the Boston Celtics? He’s the guy who I spent 1:00am – 5:00am together with on a Saturday night who helped me with the 3rd shift employee survey. So I wanted to get him a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant for helping me with the survey. I called him and asked him what his favorite restaurant is and he said he likes those big steak houses, like those Brazilian places where they bring the giant slab of meat to your table and they cut off a piece for you. So I go buy a $150 gift certificate for [name of restaurant I can’t remember]. Then I thought, well, what’s the best way for me to get this gift certificate to him, so I sent it Inner-office mail. Well, that’s been weeks ago and he still hasn’t received it. And this is the second time I’ve sent something Inner-office mail and it wasn’t received. So I tried calling the restaurant to see if I can void the certificate and get another one issued, but there is not phone number on their website and two of their restaurants in Atlanta have closed. So now I’m out $150 and need to buy another certificate. Do you know what the procedure is for sending mail through the office?”

[Phew!]

No, Bob, what you are really asking me is: Corey, do you know if there’s a way to trace lost Inner-office mail?

To which I reply, “You’re screwed.”

[Lawyers…they’re so wordy.]

Dirty Jokes

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:02:00 +0000

My friend Jeanne over at The Raisin Chronicles sometimes posts jokes for her readers that are absolutely hilarious. So, in honor of her, I'm posting this classic for your reading pleasure.
_____________

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

________________________________________________________

And this little diddy...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Sheyla Hershey - Great Boobs of Fire

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 13:43:00 +0000

The world’s biggest boobs are in danger of deflating! Model Sheyla Hershey is battling a staph infection in both of her bodacious ta-ta’s. After undergoing 30 breast enhancement surgeries over the years, it finally caught up to her.

Fans around the world are mourning the eminent loss of her two flesh-covered beach balls of silicone. Many have said it would be like losing a child. (Well, they ARE the size of a newborn baby.)

I mean really, there's only so many times you can pump up a tire before it explodes.
[What a boob.]

Manic Meeting

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 17:57:00 +0000

The work culture at my company is strange sometimes. You know how nobody wants to be the first person on the dance floor? Well, at work nobody wants to be first to a meeting.

A 1:30pm meeting is called.

At 1:29pm Bob shows up. He paces in front of the conference room door with that bewildered look he always has on his face. Then he purses his lips at me, waiting for me to look at him, as if I can read his mind. [Dude, I didn’t call the meeting, don’t look at me. Karyn called the meeting.]

Bob leaves.

At 1:35pm Jermaine shows up for the meeting. He peeks in the room – no body there – he leaves.

At 1:38pm Karyn finally shows up for the meeting she called. She looks in the room – nobody there – she leaves.

Really, people?! The meeting will never happen unless some of you start congregating in the conference room.

This leads me to my second point, a favorite quote I like to use: "The problem with being prompt is that no one is there to appreciate it."

I just love observing human nature at the office.

That's SO Gay!

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:05:00 +0000

I hear this all the time, “That’s so gay” used to describe something that is weird or unusual. But ‘gay’ really means happy. Or does gay really mean gay?

Huh?

In college, I had a friend who used the term “That’s so queer” all the time. The way she said it always cracked me up. She would drag out the 'eer' part like a valley girl. ‘Queer’ means odd, but people don’t use queer to describe gays anymore.

I’m so confused with this continual mind-funk of categorizing people with politically correct identifiers so as not to offend (depending on the generation).

It doesn’t really offend me when I hear someone use “That’s so gay”, as long as I know the context in which it is being used and the person using it. But some gays get so up in arms about this and equate it to using the N-word.

Relax, ladies. Some things ARE so gay.

Your thoughts on my random observation?

Heard/Seen 'Round the Office Today

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 19:42:00 +0000

With so many people stopping by my desk today, I thought I'd redecorate a little. And whenever I find myself at a loss for something to write about, I just write about the office - and I'm usually not disappointed.

“Guurrrrl, I got pulled over for a DWB yesterday. Driving While Black.” She said the police pulled her over for having windows with tint that was too dark. “Yeah, he saw a big SUV with shiny rims, and he thought he was gonna catch a brotha,” she went on to say.

“Corey, here’s a big tub of sugar free Crystal Light candy to put on your desk. It’s not going over so well at home, so I thought I’d bring it to work to give away.” [What makes you think it’s gonna move here?]

“Corey, did you know the spinner thingy in the microwave spins when you open the door, and when the microwave isn’t running?” [Why, that is SO fascinating!]

The Intern spends most of his day on Facebook. Maybe he thinks he works at Facebook. His time would be better spent surfing HotJobs.

I feel like playing Wack-a-doo with the gophers in the cube garden.

Security officer to me: “Corey, you know you look so different in person than the picture on your employee I.D.” I gave her a confused look as if to say ‘I hope that’s a good thing’. “No, NO! I mean you look better…in person!” [Uh-huh, nice save.]

“Corey, why are you shipping boxes of new books to Fort Hood?” [Because I can. Mind your business.]

“Who ordered 3,000 mouse pads with the new company logo on them to give out to employees?! Who uses a mouse pad anymore?!” [And the logo will probably change again in six months, just like it did the last time.]

“What part of R-e-c-y-c-l-e don’t you understand?”

Oh, Gaawd. Again, she brought half her garden to the office to give away.

Email sent to me:
Corey,
Last week I processed Susan’s and Brett’s T&E dated May 2010.

But in the future you need remember company policy:

Travelers must file expense reports as soon as possible, but not later than 30 days after completion of each trip or when expenses are incurred. Travelers who do not file their expense report within the required time after trip or expenditure completion are subject to having their request for reimbursement denied.

Let me know, if you have any questions. [Oh, I will dear.]

Thank you
Marina

[The Accounting Nazi is always on my shit.]

Chik-Fil-A Dress Like a Cow

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:19:00 +0000

WOO-HOO! IT'S CHIK-FIL-A APPRECIATION DAY IN ATLANTA!

Dress like a cow and get a FREE meal!

Yup. We do things a bit differently here in the ATL.

Punks in Piedmont Park

madtexter@gmail.com (madtexter (corey james)) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 03:03:00 +0000

Last Friday in the stiflingly hot ATL, five young punks attacked a gay couple (ages 32 and 25) having a picnic in Piedmont Park around 10:00pm - or so they tried. The young men asked the couple if they were gay, then the perps began attacking the couple.

One of the gay men told reporters, "It wasn't very organized. I don't know if they thought gay men in the park would be an easy target based on stereotypes and stuff, or what." [By 'stereotypes', I suspect he meant queenie, scrawny, submissive...]

Soon into the brawl one of the g-boys grabbed the stick away from his attacker and started beating his attacker with it. I guess those youngin's thought that gay men are weak and would shriek in total fear of them. Note to young punks: Don't test a bitch!

One of the g-boys then called the Atlanta Police Department and they rounded up five of the suspects, ranging in age from 13 (WTF!?) to 17-years-of-age.

If those young dumb-asses had realized one small detail - two gay men having a picnic in the park after dark at 10:00 o'clock - they wouldn't have attacked. You tell me what two gay men are going to have a picnic in a dark park, and not be afraid to kick some butt if necessary.

See, these youngin's got it all wrong. A lot of gay men started beefing up their body's in the early 90's as a result of the AIDS crisis. In part, so they would look healthier than their straight counterparts, but also to fend off confrontation of their sexuality by some of the hateful gay-bashers out there. (Okay, and to be cute...and vain - like everyone else.)

But these really young kids coming up today need to know one thing about gay men. We may be genteel, quiet, well-read and noble at times - BUT WE'LL CUT A BITCH!