Can You Support Yourselves?- Back when I got married this didn’t seem to be an issue.  You got married when you had a little money saved and had a good enough job to pay the rent, or if you were a big saver, buy a house.  I know many parents these days that are supporting grown children in their late twenties who have never had to support themselves.

I’ve even heard a few say that if their adult child does was to get married that they would be willing to “help them out” while they finish school, look for a job, etc.  Helping out is great if it means parents buying the couple a nice piece of furniture to get started, but helping out is not so great if it means that the parents will be sending them a check every month to cover the rent.  This isn’t to say that a couple will never fall on hard times and need help from their families, but if you won’t have the means to support yourselves at the start of the marriage, then this is not the right time to get married.

Do You Know if Your Core Values are the Same?- Dorothy over at Women’s Self Esteem just did a post about opposites attracting. It got me thinking,  because on the surface, my husband and I are opposites in many ways.  He’s very outgoing and I’m more reserved, he’s spontaneous and I take forever to make a decision and as I’ve mentioned in other posts, he’s a spender and I’m a saver.  Despite these differences, beneath the surface we are very much the same.  We have the same views of what marriage should be, we agree on the values that we want to instill in our children and we agree on the importance of God in our lives.

You can have many surface differences and still make a marriage work, but there is very little room for differences at that inner most level.  It can take longer for some couples than others to truly be able to answer if their core values are the same.  If you can’t answer a definitive yes, then you need more time to get to know each other before you consider getting married.

Are You Waiting for a Perfect Time?-  Some couples seem to really want to get married but they’re convinced that it’s not the right time.  Now assuming that “waiting for a better time” is not just a stalling tactic, I am of the school of thought that there is never a perfect time for any of life’s big decisions.   I do think that there can be bad times to get married, like if you have lost your job or are dealing with a family crisis.  But I think that odds are that if you can rule out it being a bad time to marry that it is likely to be the best timing that you are going to get.

We all have hopes that the future will bring good things our way, like a higher salary, a promotion at work or more job security.  If the only thing holding you back from marrying is the arrival of that perfect time, then it is time to move forward or take a hard look at whether there is some other reason holding you back.  I know couples who always seem to think that the future will hold that perfect time to get married when they are set in their careers or they can afford their dream wedding, dream Honeymoon and dream house all at once.  Many of them have been saying “next year” for ten years or more.

So, if you want to get married and you’re just trying to decide when, ask yourself these questions and see where they lead you.  If they show that you should wait, then by all means wait.  On the other hand, if they show that the only thing you’re waiting for is the perfect time, then get a move on.

When do you think a couple should get married? Is it all right to start out supported by mom and dad?  How well do you need to know each other?  And is there a perfect time?  Please share your opinions in the comments section

There are many statistics about how the success rates of relationships with big age differences compare to those with minimal age gaps; however, these numbers can be misleading.  Relationships do not exist in a vacuum, and many of the factors that that are common in May-December romances need to be considered before we conclude that these relationships are destined to fail simply because of the age gap.  These same factors reduce the odds of any relationship surviving even if there is not a large age difference.

When there is a big age gap it is likely that one person has been married before, while the other person has not.  It is also more likely that one person will have children while the other does not.  These factors can be difficult hurdles for any couple to overcome regardless of age differences.  Also, the less you have in common with someone the harder it is to make a relationship work.  You can still have many things in common with someone even with a large age gap, but a large age difference does mean that there are certain experiences that you will simply not have in common.

If your love interest is many years older or younger than you, then you are sure to have some issues that you will need to overcome. Your friends and family are likely to bring up the same arguments that typically plague these relationships.  The following list contains the criticisms that you are most likely to hear if there is a big age gap between you and your love interest.

• Health Argument- This is often the argument that the mother of the younger partner will mention.  You’re going to be caring for him or her when you’re still in your prime, and your mama thinks that you deserve better.  Of course you will argue that any one of us could be hit by a car tomorrow, which may leave the argument at a standoff for the moment but is not likely to put this issue to rest.

• “Ick” Argument- This is a criticism that you’re likely to hear from your friends.  When Katie Holmes talks about having a Tom Cruise poster when she was 8 years old, some say “Ick” while others say “who cares he’s still hot?”  On the flip side, some think “Ick” knowing Ashton Kutcher was 11 when Demi Moore had her first baby, while others shout “So what, he’s legal now!”  Obviously the way we view the appeal of someone much older or younger than ourselves is truly in the eye of the beholder.

• Social Reference Faux Pas- At some point one of you will say something wrong because your different ages give you different reference factors from your lives.  For example, depending on your age you may associate the name Elvis with Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, or the dog that is owned by one of the Jonas Brothers.  A slip up with a social reference factor is just part of the territory in these relationships, and if you let these cause you enormous discomfort then this may not be the relationship for you.

• “You’ll Lose Your Friends” Argument- There is some merit to this argument.  Along the way you will both lose some friends as a result of this relationship.  If you’re older you will find that some of his or her friends are too immature to be around.  On the flip side, if you’re younger you are bound to find that some of his or her friends are too boring to be around.  Of course friends can be lost as a result of any relationship if your friend either don’t like or don’t approve of your love interest, this isn’t strictly limited to those couples with a large age difference.

So, if you are dating someone and there is a big age gap, then it is likely that you will face all of these challenges at some point in your relationship.  Like all relationships, there are some people that we feel are worth overcoming challenges for and some that are not.  If all of these arguments that you’re likely to hear from friends and family don’t scare you away, then you may just have what it takes to make a May-December relationship last.

What’s your opinion on age gaps? Is there an age difference that is too big or can love conquer any age difference?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

*photo credit http://www.flckr.com/shipwreck

Excuses Men Gave Women to Explain Cheating:

1. Newness/ Excitement- One very common excuse was that over time the relationship had gotten stale and the newness and excitement that an affair promised was too great to resist.  It’s true that at a certain point a relationship is no longer “new,” and every relationship will reach a point where the novelty wears off.  For many people the lack of novelty is no big loss compared to the greater intimacy that occurs as a relationship progresses, and if you find that this isn’t the case then the best solution is to just end the relationship.

As far as excitement, you need to work to keep excitement in a relationship.  I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but romance doesn’t always “just happen,” sometimes we need to create it.  Some of these men went to elaborate lengths to carry on these affairs, and I can’t help but feel that if they had put that same amount of energy into making their existing relationship exciting that they would have succeeded.

2.  Feeling Neglected- Now the men who tell their women that they were feeling neglected or that the “other woman” understood them better are often the same men who are trying to convince their women to take them back.  I have to admit that I’ve nicknamed this one the “you’re to blame too” excuse.  I don’t know whether these men were really neglected or not, but the fact that they are trying to convince their wife or girlfriend to take them back leads me to believe that the other women didn’t understand them any better than the woman they already had.  I know that there are two sides to every aspect of a relationship, but the person who did the cheating should shoulder the blame, not try to spread the blame around.

3. “It Just Happened”- This seems to be the typical excuse when the affair was a fling or one night stand.  It’s often accompanied by lines like “there was so much chemistry” and “I was there, she was there and the next thing I knew…”  This one wins my award for the “lamest of the lame excuses.”

Human beings are different from animals in that we have brains and can reason.  Our actions never “just happen,” they are always the result of a decision.  Some decisions are better thought out than others, but there was a decision that was made even it was only contemplated very briefly.  In many ways “abducted by aliens” would have been a better excuse than this one–it’s about as believable, and at least it’s original.

So how did these excuses compare to the cheaters who confessed on camera? Well, their number one reason was the excitement and newness factor.  The second most common reason that they gave was that they didn’t believe that people were meant to be monogamous.  Of course if they truly believed this, then they should have expressed this to their women before they cheated on them rather than expressing it after the fact.

What do all these reasons have in common? It turns out that the underlying reason why I believe people cheat and the reason expressed by those interviewed who hadn’t cheated, were one in the same.  We all believed that no matter which excuse was given, it all came down to selfishness.  It doesn’t mater whether you’re the type of person who is always looking for the excitement of a new relationship, or whether you’ve suddenly found yourself in a relationship that has started to fall apart.  The decent thing to do is to end a relationship before getting involved with someone else, and the selfish thing to do is to continue in that relationship and then cheat.

So what do you think about cheaters? Is there ever a valid reason for cheating?  Or are these cheaters just plain selfish?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Short and Simple- Many of the relationship rules were the tried and true short and sweet kind of wisdom like the kind your grandma might have shared with you.  These rules tend to apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones.   Despite the simplicity of these rules, people do break them all the time.  I guess sometimes it’s hard to appreciate that rules this simple can still have value.

• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
• Recognize what you have before it’s gone.
• If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything.
• Keep your promises.
• Be fair and compromise.
• When you’re wrong, apologize.
• Don’t expect more out of a relationship than what you put into it.

The Blunt Truth- Not quite grandma wisdom, but these rules still come out and say it like it is.

• Be faithful, if you can’t then just don’t be in a relationship.
• Never flirt with other girls when you’re out with your girlfriend.
• Don’t discuss your partner on social networking sites.
• My friends were here before you, and they’ll be here after you leave.
• If a guy tells you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, believe him.

Philosophical- Now remember, these were posted on Twitter, so I use the term “philosophical” very loosely.  Some rules were created by the person posting, some are from relationship books, and a few may have come from fortune cookies.

• When you say you’ll forgive a person, really forgive them, no more bringing up the past.
• Don’t leave the one you love for the one you like.  The one you like will leave you for the one they love.
• Tell the truth from the beginning, so they fall in love with you, not who you’re pretending to be.
• Don’t trip over lust and fall in love .
• Never hold back, because whatever is left out is still a lie.
• Your ex didn’t “change after you broke up”, they just got better at hiding what you didn’t like.
• Do not confuse true love with the fear of being alone.
• Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.

The Romantic- These were in the minority, but as a romantic I was happy that there were any at all.

• When love replaces ambition an authentic relationship is born.
• When someone is willing to stand by you, don’t let them go.
• If you’re lucky enough to have the person you want, work that much harder to keep them.

The Bitter- Some of the people posting these seemed to have been recently burned in relationships, and some just seemed to have a very low opinion of the opposite sex.

• Always keep your options open, stay single.
• Always make her think you’re listening, even if you’re not.
• Act like a man so you can’t get hurt by one.
• Whoever says “I love you” first loses.
• Men are good liars, don’t believe him until you’re sure.
• Continually change your Twitter/Facebook passwords, because she watches your fingers.

The odd, quirky and funny-

• When he leaves the toilet seat up, hide the remote.  He won’t learn, but it will be fun to watch him search.
• You can trust someone with a big smile and a big butt.
• I wont mind the Lifetime movies if you don’t mind Spike TV.

Finally, there is my own little rule of relationships which I’m not going to categorize, but here goes:

• You can improve communication more by learning what not to say, than what to say.

So, Do you have a favorite relationship rule? It can be from this list, or perhaps you have your own special relationship rule that you’d be willing to share in our comments section.

The Tangible Things- When it comes to parting with one’s belongings, we often hear from women who hope to convince their man to part with something from his past.  It may be that ugly, old sofa that he had in his college dorm room, or it may be a fine leather briefcase given to him by an old girlfriend.  Now a psychologist would probably argue that desperately wanting a men to get rid of his stuff really symbolizes something more.  In the case of gifts from an old girlfriend this is probably true, but in most cases I think that an ugly sofa is just an ugly sofa and not an attempt to make him leave his carefree single days behind.

We did have one dilemma that sparked a huge debate between men and women which involved a woman who was fuming mad because her fiance when ballistic when she decided to “surprise” him by replacing his bachelor pad furniture with an expensive living room set after she moved into his apartment.  The men felt that she was trying to impose her will on him, but the women were much more sympathetic to her cause.  A few admitted that she should have told him about her plans, but they still understood her wanting to get rid of a sofa “that someone could vomit on without making it look or smell worse.” (her words, not mine)  Of course the apartment was soon going to be hers as well as his, but the lesson here is clear.  If you are contemplating getting rid of some tangible things for your relationship, it is better for each of you to focus on the things that belong to you, not on unloading the other person’s items.

Other Relationships- No matter how much I believe that we should never have to choose between our romantic partner and our family and friends, most romantic relationships do involve at least a few family members or friends falling by the wayside.  Sometimes this is a result of those close to you not liking the person that you have chosen or not being able to accept your relationship with them for one reason or another.  Sometimes there is no clear point where a rift has occurred, and there is just a gradual drifting apart as your life undergoes the many changes that often come with a serious relationship.

We frequently hear from women who are agonizing over a relationship where those close to them do not approve of the man they have chosen.  On the flip side, we also hear from many women who are not well liked by their man’s friends and family, with the most common conflict being that the man’s mother does not like the woman.  Occasionally we hear from women who regret that they don’t have any of the old friends that they had when they were single.  These women feel particularly bad about losing these friendships, because they didn’t deliberately set out to end these friendships and as a result they are often not sure how to go about getting them back.

Sense of Self- The most complex problems that we hear in the discussions about things that have been given up for love, have to do with a woman’s sense of self.  Sometimes women become so involved in being a wife and mother that they are not sure who they are as individuals any more.  It’s easy to see how this can happen to women with small children who can’t be in the bathroom for more than 30 seconds without hearing a little knock on the door or being struck by the sense that something terrible has happened because there is no little knock on the door.  These women have to do a lot of searching to find the person that they were, before being a wife and mother consumed every moment.  Women are often resourceful,  and even as they are wording their problems, they are forming a plan as they talk about things that they used to do, classes they’d like to take, or hobbies they’d like to pursue.

The women that have the bigger struggle are the ones who have lost their sense of self during an unhealthy relationship.  These women are often left without the self esteem that they once had or the pride that they once felt about their accomplishments.  There is no quick fix for these women and in most cases our readers advise these women to leave their unhealthy relationship before they can successfully regain the sense of self that they used to have.

So, there are the most common problems that we see on LuvemOrLeavem when it comes to giving things up for love.  Whether the things that you give up are tangible or intangible or given up willingly or not so willingly, the odds are that if you are in any type of long term relationship you have given up something for love.  In a healthy relationship we don’t usually look back on what we’ve given up with much regret, but a troubled relationship is often filled with regret over all the things that have been given up, both big and small.

Please Share- I’d love to hear about the things that you have given up for love.  Please let me know in the comments section.  To get things started I am going to post the first things that came to mind about what my husband and I have given up.

When we asked our friend about how she knew that Jenna was heading down the road to adultery she simply replied “they’ve been dating for months.”  Of course we fiercely defended Jenna’s lunches with her trainer as friendly lunches after her training sessions, but our friend then asked us “what’s the difference between that and a date?”  With that question, she had us stumped.  The only differences that we could come up with were  1) Jenna was married and  2) until the affair, there was  nothing physical going on between them during or after these lunches.

Aside from those two factors, these weekly lunch outings did have all the makings of a date.  When we thought about it that way, we were surprised that we too hadn’t realized where this relationship was heading.  This is not to say that every time someone goes out with a friend of the opposite sex that it is a date in disguise, but there are many times when that’s exactly what it is.  So, what is the difference between a friendly outing and a date?  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Is it business or pleasure?-  The reasoning behind Jenna going to lunch with her trainer was that her training session finished at lunch time, and her trainer was also a nutritionist.  Yes, he could make sure that she had a healthy meal after her workout, but having lunch together was definitely not necessary to the business nature of their relationship.  If the goal were really just to make sure she knew how to choose a healthy meal, then giving her copies of nutritional guidelines would have served this purpose better than going out to lunch.  I’ve also had friends that have met regularly over lunch or dinner with their accountants and lawyers to discuss business that is usually discussed at an office.  If your meetings that are supposed to be business are really more pleasure, then you may be venturing into the date category.

Are you getting closer over time? The purpose of going out on dates is to get to know the person better to see if this is someone that you want to be involved with romantically.  Of course when you’re single, you know that this is the purpose of going out with this person.  When you’re in a relationship, you may mindlessly find yourself getting to know this “friend” better, but you may not realize what is happening.

Although there was not even a friendly kiss on the cheek after lunch according to Jenna, she and her trainer did share things like what places they would like to travel to, and what kind of music they enjoyed.  They were definitely getting closer over time and knew much more about each other than you would expect from the typical trainer/client relationship.  This should have been a big red flag as to where this relationship was heading, but I think that because she was married and hadn’t actively set out to find a lover, that Jenna still thought of this as a friendship.

Are you attracted to this person? In the end, this is the question that underlies whether a friendship has the potential to turn into something more.  If you are attracted to this person, then you need to honestly ask yourself if you would still be heading out with them if they were not attractive.  Odds are that if Jenna did not find her trainer attractive, she would have found that there was no reason to be having lunch with him.  This isn’t to say that it’s impossible to be friends with an attractive person, but if that friendship involves going out alone with that person it makes it that much more likely that this friendship will turn into something more.

So, what if you realize that yes, you enjoy meeting with this attractive person over lunch when you could meet in their office, and you are getting to know each other better each time you go out.  You may tell yourself that you’re not the cheating type, so there’s no reason why you can’t have this close friend who is of the opposite sex.  The problem is that you are truly playing with fire by having a friendship with someone you find attractive when you’re in a committed relationship.  It just takes that one time when you’re friendly outing happens to be during a rough patch in your relationship or right after a fight with your partner for that friendship to turn into something that you swore would never happen.

What is your opinion? Please share your thoughts in the comments section about whether or not someone can regularly go out with an attractive friend of the opposite sex without risking it turning into something more.

I’ve written before about the problems that come from using technology for any type of cybersex relationship, and most people seem to recognize how this behavior can be destructive to a relationship.  For this post, I’m focusing on uses of technology that we usually view as harmless and even a “natural” part of everyday life.  These “harmless” technologies can be just as harmful to a relationship because we accept them as part of our lives, yet they can take away precious time that we should be spending with our loved ones.  With that said, I do think that by following some rules that are really rooted in common courtesy, that we can eliminate letting technology destroy our relationships.

Cell Phones- If you are out with a real live person, enjoy their company and forget about the phone.  Unless it’s your child, or some dire emergency call, just let it go to voice mail and call them back later.  In any case, there is never a reason to be on a long phone call while you are out with someone.  The most offensive thing is when I see people that are on a cell phone while they are out having dinner with someone.  The other person looks bored to tears.  To add insult to injury, when you catch a bit of their conversation you will often hear the person say into their phone “nothing, what are you doing?”  The rules for texting and mobile email are the same as for talking–emergency use only.

“Socializing” on the Internet- This includes FaceBook, Twitter, chatrooms, or any other form of socializing on the internet.  If the time you spend with friends online takes away from time that you can spend with real live people, then there is a problem.  I hear complaints all the time from men and women about how their partner will ignore them and sit in front of the computer for hours updating Twitter and FaceBook.  As a general rule, I don’t think that you should be socializing on the internet when there are people around you that you can socialize with.  I also think it’s a problem if you turn down opportunities to socialize in person in favor of staying home and “socializing” on your computer.

Video Games- Until recently, I thought that video game addiction was strictly a problem that only affected kids.  Of course video games have been around for quite some time now.  So these kids have had a chance to grow into adults that may never have broken this addiction.

I read about one very sad case where a woman was struggling with how to manage her husband’s video game addiction.  He was ignoring her as well as many of his responsibilities in favor of playing these games.  She tried learning the games to turn this into something that they could do together, but it consumed too much time.  Setting limits on the time spent playing was another thing that she tried, but the addiction almost seemed like that of an alcoholic.  Even the smallest amount of playing seemed to turn into hours.  After reading her story I really felt that it sounded like he needed to go “cold turkey” when it came to playing video games.

So whether the problem is cell phones, the internet or video games, technology is something that should make our lives simpler.  When technology starts to complicate our lives by harming our personal relationships, then it’s time to make some changes in our behavior.  If you find that you have trouble setting and sticking to limits on your use of technology, then you may need to seek professional help.  It may seem strange to think about seeking help for a technology addiction but it’s better to address it rather than reaching the point where you are more comfortable interacting through technology rather than having face to face conversations.

So what do you think? Can using technology be a real addiction?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

The Prenup- If you’ve ever known anyone who has asked their future bride or groom to sign a prenuptial agreement, then you probably found that their friends and family were divided into two camps around this issue.  On the one hand, it is considered practical to want to make sure that you don’t lose a huge part of your wealth if the marriage doesn’t last.  I’ve also heard people say that this is a surefire way to make sure that the other person isn’t just marrying for the money.

Those that are against prenups argue that you’re already planning for the end before the marriage even gets started, and point out that part of the person asking for the prenup has already decided that this marriage might not last forever.  I’m not saying that no one should ever ask for a prenup.  Maybe you have special circumstances or maybe you do have a fortune to protect.  I do think that if you choose to ask for a prenup that you have to consider how it may put a permanent shadow of doubt over the relationship by starting out a marriage this way.  Incidentally, I always wonder when and how people go about asking their partner for a prenup.  I’m assuming that you don’t mention it during the proposal, but I would think that you need to do it before you are too far into the wedding plans.

I “might” want more kids- Once a couple decides that they are done having children, there comes the decision of which partner will do something “permanent” so that there won’t be any surprise pregnancies.  A lot of couples decide the man should be the one to have a vasectomy rather than the woman getting her tubes tied because medically, it is generally a simpler procedure for the man than for the woman.  Deciding who a procedure will be easier for is a good kind of practical, but I have heard this decision process taken to a whole other level that goes way beyond practical.

I once worked with a woman who explained that her husband would be taking the “permanent measure” because if they ever got divorced she might want to have more children with a new husband.  At the time I thought this was some weird isolated incident, but since then, I have heard this echoed by other women.  They have told me they didn’t want any more kids with “this husband,” but if down the line they married someone who was more responsible, wealthier, etc. that they might want more children.  Needless to say, the women who have shared these thoughts with me are all divorced.

On an Allowance- It’s no big secret that one of the biggest reasons behind couples fighting is money.  Many couples start a budget to try to avoid money problems, which is a great kind of practical solution.  The downside is that most couples have one person that is better at handling money than the other, and a mutual budget can turn into the money-managing half of the couple dictating an allowance for the other person.  As tempting as it may be to think that it is “practical” to start treating our partner more like our child than our equal, it is a dangerous road to start down.  If your attempts at controlling the household spending have deteriorated into setting allowance for your partner, then you need to take a big step back and make this mutual again before any resentment sets in.

So there are the most common ways that I have seen couples set their relationships into a downward spiral all in the name of being practical.  No matter how “practical” any idea sounds, if it causes you to doubt the integrity or the abilities of your partner then it is not healthy for your relationship.  If your idea of being practical has crossed over into territory where you spend more time and energy preparing for the end of your relationship rather than the improvement of your relationship, then you need to pull out all the stops if you want to save this relationship because you are already traveling down the road to ruin.

On the other hand, conditional love is defined as love that “requires some type of  exchange” or has “conditions that must be met.”  Now when it comes to my children, my love is unconditional, but when it come to romantic love, the conditional type sounds way better to me.  When we first fall in love, I think that this early stage of love is for the most part unconditional, but to keep love going and to maintain a relationship I definitely think that conditions need to be part of the mix.

In fact, I think that a relationship is heading for disaster if there aren’t conditions that need to be met.  I’ve seen people, especially women, who forgive all types of outrageous behaviors and can give no other reason for why they stay in a relationship other than “because I love him.”  Now I love my husband too, and that allows me to overlook the little things, just as he overlooks the little things that I do that are not so desirable.  That is about as far as unconditional goes for me.  In fact, I have a two part list of conditions.  Like many women, I expect fidelity and respect as well as expecting that we both behave in ways that are not harmful to ourselves or each other.  I think of these as “basic conditions,” because they are factors that I believe are necessary for any loving relationship to survive.

My other set of conditions are more specific to what I need out of my relationship and are not necessarily conditions that I think that everyone should demand of their relationship.  Anyway, here they are:

Saying “I Love You”- My husband shows me that he loves me, but he knows that I need to hear it too.  Why do I need to hear it when he already shows it?  I don’t know, but luckily he doesn’t question this.

No Criticizing “My Chores”-  My husband and I have the bulk of our chores split into his chores and my chores.  The chores that fall into my court are chores that my husband doesn’t like to do or are ones that just aren’t practical for him to do and vice versa.  This is fine, but once a chore has been tossed into the other person’s court we never criticize how the other person does that chore.  If we’re so concerned about how the chore is being done by the other person, then we can bring it back into our own court.  This works very well for us.  For the most part, chores are things that we have to do that we really don’t want to do, and who wants to be criticized about the way they do something that they don’t enjoy doing anyway.

Make Me Laugh- At first I felt kind of mean putting that being able to make me laugh was one of my conditions, but whenever I talk to couples that have been married for many years, being able to laugh together is almost always at the top of the list for why they are happy.  I often take things very seriously, and I think that I’d be a pretty miserable person to be married to if I weren’t married to someone who could make me laugh.  I’m sure that not everyone views laughter as such a priority, but I think that at the very least most of us need someone who can cheer us up when life gets us down.

No matter how much unconditional love is touted in songs and poetry as being a “true love that is measureless” in reality, romantic love does have conditions.  At the very least, some basic conditions need to be met for a relationship to be healthy no matter how much love there is.  Some people are satisfied with the basics of a loving and respectful relationship and some of us need to add a few of our own conditions to have a lasting and loving relationship. 

How about You? Are you happy with the basic conditions?  Or do you have a few extra conditions or maybe even a long list of conditions?  No matter which category you fall into, please share your thoughts on conditional and unconditional love in our comments section.

I have to admit that I have found myself feeling sorry for the husbands of some of my ultra aggressive friends who pushed their husbands around, just like many viewers felt sorry for Jon Gosselin.  No matter how bad we feel for these men though, it’s hard not to ask why these grown men allow themselves to be hen pecked and don’t just assert themselves.  I think that there are many reasons why men let themselves fall into this situation, so here are some of the most common ones that I have seen in marriages where the man seems totally dominated by his wife.

Timid Personality- This is the situation that often comes to mind when we envision a hen pecked husband.  We picture a man who is timid and a wife who takes advantage of this.  No matter how timid someone is, I don’t see how they can ever have a happy marriage unless they learn to assert themselves.  You can’t compromise unless you make your feelings and opinions known, so no matter how timid you are, if you don’t express yourself then you need to shoulder some of the blame for being dominated.

Inferiority Complex- I consider this a separate category because unlike being timid, feeling inferior is often a temporary stage in a relationship.  I’ve known couples where the man seems to feel inferior to his wife because the wife was wealthier, better educated, or better known in the community.  These were men who were not timid in the rest of their dealings with people, but they let their wives push them around because compared to their wife they felt inferior.

Of course people who are not used to being dominated will push back at some point.  It may take months of marriage or it may take years, but it will happen eventually.  Generally, the longer it takes for a man to assert himself in a marriage, the more likely it is that the relationship will not be able to survive this shift in power.

Fringe Benefits- Of course there are men that focus on the benefits of letting their wives dominate them, rather than on what they lose by having so little say in the marriage.  I had a friend who had declared her husband so incompetent that his only job was to go to work.  She paid all the bills, did all the work around the house and even handled minor home repairs after buying a toolkit and taking some workshops at Home Depot.

He did seem like a wimpy guy that my friends and I felt sorry for until one beautiful weekend in April.  He was heading out with his golf clubs because she didn’t want him underfoot while she was working on their income taxes.  To top it off, she had asked her mother to watch the baby because she didn’t trust him after he had taken her to the park with his only baby supplies consisting of a single diaper.  He told us this with such a big grin on his face, that we couldn’t help but wonder if he had weighed his options and decided that being hen pecked was well worth the fringe benefits.

Which brings us back to the quesion of Jon Gosselin.  Was the hen pecked husband image an illusion created by careful editing, or was he a hen pecked husband who fell into one of these categories?  We may never be certain of why any man takes this role in a marriage, but one thing is certain.   No matter how easy it is to blame the “domineering wife,” the hen pecked husband is just one of many situations in a marriage that it takes two people to create.