LOVE IN THE TIME OF FORECLOSURE

Guest post on Zillow - 5 things to do if you're facing foreclosure

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:35:00 +0000

I'd like to send you over to Zillow.com today to read the post I wrote for them as a guest blogger--

5 Things to Do If You're Facing Foreclosure...

Screen Shot of my guest post over on Zillow.com

Thanks for heading on over there to give it a read.

As always, I hope you'll comment and share it if you like what you read!

Danke!

-Steph

P.S. Bob didn't get his wish of selling 25,000 copies of my book for his birthday. But he did have a wonderful birthday. And the book is doing quite well on Amazon today! As of 2:29 today, Love in the Time of Foreclosure is #12 in the Kindle store for Kindle books in the Real Estate category. And it's #89 in books in the Real Estate category. That's in ALL books. Not just eBooks! Check it out:

It's Bob's birthday and we're giving away a Kindle Fire and a copy of LOVE IN THE TIME OF FORECLOSURE

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:42:00 +0000

This is Bob. (The one in the hat)

He is my husband, the father of my child (the cute kid in Bob's arms,) the love of my life, my best friend and partner in adventure.

Today is Bob's birthday.

What better way to celebrate Bob's birthday than to give away a brand new Kindle Fire Tablet?!

Bob loves new technology and Amazon's Kindle Fire is one hot new piece of technology.

The Kindle Fire has a 7" touch screen display and retails for $199
Specs from Amazon:

18 million movies, TV shows, songs, magazines, and books
Thousands of popular apps and games, including Netflix, Hulu Plus, Pandora, and more
Ultra-fast web browsing - Amazon Silk
Free cloud storage for all your Amazon content
Vibrant color touchscreen with extra-wide viewing angle - same as an iPad
Fast, powerful dual-core processor
Favorite children's books, graphic novels, and magazines in rich color

We're not only giving away the Kindle Fire, but also a copy of the eBook, Love in the Time of Foreclosure. We wouldn't want to give away an eReader without any books to read!

So this is my first time attempting a giveaway and I'm using this really cool new company called Rafflecopter to help me do it. You'll see a box embedded in the post below. That's where you enter the giveaway. It will track entries and select a winner randomly. Just make sure to please follow the entry instructions.

The giveaway runs for one week. The winner will receive their Kindle Fire just in time for Christmas!

Now back to Bob for a moment. As I said, today is his birthday and he's a little shy about it... which is clearly why I'm blogging about it (such a mean wifey.)

Here's how sweet and amazing my husband is: when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he said all he wanted was for 25,000 people to buy my book. No biggie. To help make Bob's birthday wish come true, you can buy my book, Love in the Time of Foreclosure, here. And you can wish him a happy birthday on Twitter or on Google+.

Happy birthday, Bob. Te adoro. May this year surprise and delight you with its extraordinary-ness and wish fulfillment. And may you feel five years younger than five years before. (That's an ancient adage that I just clearly made up.) I love you.

Now onto the GIVEAWAY!

ENTER HERE:

UPDATE (12/7/11): The winner has been chosen randomly by random.org... and the winner is entry #104 - Megan Douglas!

I decided to select a RUNNER-UP to receive a free copy of my book... Random.org chose entry #265 Heather.

Thank you for playing! And Megan & Heather, please look for an e-mail from me.

Please note that it might take a minute or two for the Rafflecopter widget (the entry form) to load.

From the LITTOF archives: Being thankful in good times and in bad

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:57:00 +0000

This post was originally published on November 24, 2009 at LITTOF when it was on ChicagoNow.

A perfectly brined turkey (if I do say so myself)

Ever notice how it's so much easier to be thankful during good times than bad?

Of course. That's so obvious it doesn't even need to be asked. Of course it's easier to be thankful when things are going well. But... is it possible to be thankful when they're not? And isn't perhaps more important?

The last year has been hard on most of America. It hasn't been easy. We've been challenged in so many different ways. People have lost their homes, their jobs, loved ones. Nothing is certain anymore. Everything is changing. Long held beliefs have been shattered. It's... well, it's not been easy.

But, we're still thankful, aren't we? Shouldn't we be? Especially now when times are toughest? YES, YES, YES!

It's Thanksgiving week and I'm deeply thankful for so many things in my life. We actually celebrated Thanksgiving early here at the Walker household with four dear friends who flew up from L.A. It was such a wonderful weekend. It's so easy to be thankful for everything right now because things are really looking up for us. We have a beautiful place to live, we have unbelievably supportive family and friends, we made it through the most challenging two years of our marriage more stronger and more in love than ever, we have a new and improved outlook on life, the list goes on...

Early Thanksgiving in Friday Harbor 2009: Bob Walker, Brian Polak, Cece Tio, Steph Walker, Pablo Neruda, Jami Brandli and Michael Shutt

Times for us are good right now. And it's so easy to be thankful. But it was when times were bad that it was even more important.

Lately people have been asking us, "How the heck did you end up on that island?!" Just a year ago we were deeply entrenched in Los Angeles fighting with every fiber of our being to hold on to the life we had created. So how did we get from there to here? How did we get from that life to this?

There are a couple of answers to that question. One is the nuts and bolts.

-Bob lost his job
-We had no back-up plan
-Couldn't sell the house fast enough
-Economy tanked
-Housing values crashed
-Fell too far behind too fast
-Bank wouldn't modify our mortgage
-New combined salaries fell far short
-Started "Love in the time of foreclosure"
-Came days away from a foreclosure
-Sold the house in a short sale
-Got an offer from a LITTOF reader to live in a house on an island rent-free for two years

And here we are. All of that is true. But it doesn't explain everything. It's the space between that tells the rest of the story. That space was filled with our determination. Our promise to each other to flourish as opposed to flounder. To work as a team and communicate versus hide and blame each other. To become better people and turn the proverbial lemons into lemonade.

And how we managed that was by being thankful.

Being thankful especially when thing were looking most grim. When we were clear that this could very well be the end of us. That we could sink with the house and everything in it. When we felt like total failures and were helpless in the face of insurmountable circumstances... we were thankful.

When times were toughest is when we started actively practicing the art of being thankful. Each night before going to sleep we would try to remember to express at least one thing we were thankful for. On the worst days that one thing might be: "I'm thankful to be alive." Other days, it came easier and we would fall asleep while listing off the things for which we were thankful.

If I was in a depressed mood, Bob would say:

"Name one thing you're thankful for right now."

And I would answer. Sometimes reluctantly. But simply by sharing what I was thankful for I was essentially lifting myself out of my depression. No matter how bad things got, our lives were still filled with blessings. Even on the day we got our notice of default. Or when foreclosure notices were plastered on our garage door. We were always thankful for each other. And so much more...

Thankful for the unconditional love and support of our families and friends
Thankful for our health
Thankful for our resourcefulness.
Thankful for our education and upbringing
Thankful for the opportunity to grow
Thankful for the chance to set our priorities straight
Thankful for the opportunity to learn such important lessons so young

The more we grounded ourselves in the long list of things for which to be thankful, the easier it was to embrace the opportunity in the moment. With so many blessings in our lives, how is it possible to feel like victims? I believe it's not. And that's why we never did.

Today I am thankful for all the same things and more...

I'm thankful for everything I've learned
I'm thankful for having been courageous enough to take a leap of faith
I'm thankful for a wonderful place to live
I'm thankful to the owners of this house for trusting us and giving us such a gift
I'm thankful to have the opportunity to restart my life
I'm thankful for the ability to express myself through writing
I'm thankful for the courage to start this blog
I'm thankful for LITTOF readers and the support you've given me over the last ten months
I'm thankful for the gift and beauty of simplicity

I am honestly thankful for everything we went through in the last year. Because I now know without a shadow of a doubt that what makes me happy (and I'm happier now than I've ever been in my entire life) is love, family, friends, community and the adventure of living.

I don't miss the house. Because, I guess, it was never about the house. The house now represents an old model for happiness. My new model has nothing to do with anything material. And for that, I'm thankful.

Cece and Brian working hard and putting the kitchen to good use.

What about you? Do you practice the art of being thankful?
What about during hard times? And for what are you most thankful?

Happy Thanksgiving!

(If you liked this post, please share it! Thank you!)

Would you sell out your house in order to save it from foreclosure?

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 18:36:00 +0000

Here's the thing. I don't like the look of it either. I'm talking about those Bank of America ads on the Wabash Avenue bridge houses in Chicago. Have you seen them? Yeah, they're not pretty.

Our new mayor, Rahm Emanuel, signed a 30-day lease with Bank of America for that space, according to the Chicago Tribune. Why? To raise money, of course. Chicago needs it. Bad. And nobody likes this idea. Nobody.

But... I wonder...

Would you do the same thing if you could to save your house in foreclosure?

Would you, if you could, lease the roof of your house to Bank of America? Wells Fargo? Pepsi Cola? What about the front of your house? Would you wrap your whole house like a car in an Exxon Mobile banner?

No?

What if it was temporary and it meant you could pay off your mortgage?

Yeah. That's what I thought. You'd do it, right? Your neighbors would hate you for it. But you'd do it. And maybe they'd hate you a little less knowing that you just saved their property value by avoiding foreclosure.

I'd do it. Totally. To save our house? Heck yeah.

Actually, according to Bob that's not true.

I was telling him about how I was going to write this blog post and ask people if they would sell ad space on their houses if it meant they could save their homes from foreclosure. Here's how that conversation went:

BOB: We talked about that.

ME: We did?

BOB: Yeah. I totally wanted to do that.

ME: You did?

BOB: Yes.

STEPH: You wanted to sell ad space on our house?

BOB: Yes. I wanted to call Bank of America and see if we could lease them our roof space for a banner or something but you were totally against it.

ME: I don't remember that.

BOB: Well... probably because you didn't want to do it.

So, there you go. I apparently didn't even want to investigate the possibility of selling ad space on our roof to save our house. Funny how short the memory is. Bob was Mayor Daley floating the idea and I was the general public railing passionately against it even though it could possibly save our house.

Though I don't remember it, I can imagine that I was horrified by the thought of a Bank of America banner wrapping our house. But wouldn't I have at least wanted to try? Thinking about it now, I assume that I would have completely gone for it because, well, anything to save the house, right? Apparently not anything. And why not?

Everyone is railing against our new mayor calling this leasing of city property for ad space a huge mistake. And I get it. It is a slippery slope. No one likes to be marketed 24-7. And our architecture is so precious to us. We Chicagoans are extremely proud of our architecture. We don't want to taint it with obnoxious banners and corporate logos. We don't want to completely sell out, no matter how terrible things are.

Mayor Emanuel plans to bring in $25 million for the city through this sort of advertising. And if he's right, if it works, would it be worth it? I don't know. Feel free to chime in. Please. That kind of money could save a lot of jobs and programs, right? So it could be worth it?

And I'll ask again, if you could sell ad space on your house to save it, would you? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

For more information about the new ads downtown Chicago, check out these links:

Dear Mayor: Don't cheapen our public spaces - Chicago Tribune

Emanuel's ad quest for dollars not as easy as it sounds - Chicago Tribune

(The photos are courtesy of Bob Walker. Thanks for braving the cold on your lunch break, honey!)

LITTOF STORIES: Choosing Plan D

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 18:34:00 +0000

It's time for another LITTOF Reader Story!

What do you do when Plans A, B & C don't pan out? If you're like LITTOF Reader, Laurie, you choose Plan D.

That's right. That's what survivors do. That's what resilience is all about. And I'm all about resiliency. So I'm very excited to introduce you to Laurie- who prefers that I only use her first name. So, like Madonna she will be known by only one name. Laurie.

She e-mailed me back in January of this year to say that she was glad I had picked up blogging on LITTOF. In that e-mail, she shared that she and her husband began their modification/short sale/ foreclosure process when she was pregnant with their first child. They now have two children – a 19-month-old and a 3-year-old. It really shows how much life can happen in the face of foreclosure! Life goes on. Life is created. Children grow up!

Laurie wrote to me about their trouble and frustrations with HAMP. And her attitude while sharing about the insane runaround they received while trying to save their home, really struck me.

“We may end up in foreclosure and then bankruptcy like you. It's all going to take time to tell. Meanwhile, we love our home that we have remodeled and made our own. But it is just brick and mortar. We are excited about our future and the lessons we have learned, that we have each other. We consider it the price to pay for this painful education we have received.”

Laurie and her husband experienced the nightmare of Fed-Exing payments during a trial modification only to be kicked out of the program for non-payment. Has that happened to any of you? I can't imagine. I've actually been hearing about that happening more and more. Yet in the face of that, Laurie remained positive.

So sit back and enjoy a conversation with Laurie about life in and after foreclosure and choosing Plan D...

LITTOF: First, tell us about the house. Where is it and how long have you lived there?

LAURIE: We moved into our first home in the spring of 2006. We moved out at the end of August 2011. It was in a great suburban area of Northern California, the perfect family town. We renovated and made it out own and really loved our neighbors, the park I walked the kids to every day and our garbage man, Carlo, who stopped by every Friday and took the time to say hi to our very excited son, Max.

LITTOF: What were the circumstances that led to your foreclosure?

LAURIE: My husband is in the construction industry. When the economy tanked, banks quit lending and builders quit building. My husband would go without a paycheck for months at a time. We had really stretched ourselves, spending probably 70% of our income on our mortgage because we had faith that like our neighbors, our investment would pay off, prices would continue to rise, and we could refinance and be ok eventually.

LITTOF: Please tell us about the process thus far.

LAURIE: In 2008 we knew we were in trouble. Our home price had dropped by 30% and our income by 50%. We contacted the bank right away and stayed in touch the whole 2 year process, first trying to modify, then short sale, then foreclosure with bankruptcy for protection.

LITTOF: How long did the process take?

LAURIE: The process took from fall of 2008 until summer of 2011. Most of that time was in the roller coaster that is modification. We were told something different each time we called.

LITTOF: What has been the most challenging aspect?

LAURIE: The overwhelming lack of consistency and communication with the bank. We were told erroneous information that would take us down one path and then months later, to find out it was wrong. EX: We were told our bank would accept a modification if we just entered into a trial mod for 3 months. For 10 months we kept paying diligently and Fed Ex-ing payment in advance each month.

I eventually had the case escalated to a corporate level to see what was going on because we were told during one of my weekly calls that we were kicked out of the modification due to non-payment, then again that same day that things were ok, and then again that we were denied the mod but they didn’t know why. Corporate investigated and determined that our bank, “didn’t participate in modifications.” What a waste of time.

LITTOF: What has been your most triumphant moment thus far?

LAURIE: The day we decided to go with plan D. We decided early on to come up with a contingency plan because we had heard lots of horror stories. Plan A was a mod, Plan B was a short sale, Plan C was a foreclosure and D was bankruptcy (and foreclosure).

Plan D became our realization and actually it was very freeing knowing we had really done everything right and tried our best and it was going to be over soon and we could move on. Plan D allowed us to close a door and start planning for our future. We knew everything would be ok once we set our sights on our new reality.

LITTOF: How are you able to stay positive?

LAURIE: Actually, I am a worrier and a control freak. I unfortunately can easily get consumed with things. I have always been very conscientious about bills and paying on time and my credit has always been excellent. The stigma and what our neighbors would think bothered me at first. I prayed a lot and got support from some girlfriends and made the decision early on not to let this get the best of me. I am a Christian and so it was important for me to let go of my need to control things and give it to God. I knew I would do my best to navigate the issues but ultimately I had no control over the final outcome and I knew I would be taken care of. Things would be ok. It might not be the way I would want it, but eventually, I would see it was a blessing in disguise. It has been.

LITTOF: What is your goal in all of this?

LAURIE: To take the road less traveled by. The norm in our culture is to strap yourself down with debt, trying to have and be what the world tells you to. We are living on a cash basis now, much more aware of our spending and our goals. It opened our eyes to a way of life that is not on the rat wheel. We are free, mobile, and most importantly are dreaming again, with our heads out of the sand.

We are planning to rent until our kids are through elementary and then live in an RV…probably a 5^th wheel toy hauler and travel the country, road-schooling our kids through the middle school years and teaching them by exposing them to things they would have only read about in books.

It is fun to dream again and to plan our adventures. We have a big map and put tacks on the places we want to see. There are so many, we will have to narrow them down. It’s fun to research them and figure it all out. We have time, so it will be a work in progress.

LITTOF: What have you learned thus far?

LAURIE: Material objects can be a huge burden. It is freeing to let them go.

LITTOF: How are you better off now?

LAURIE: I am reminded of the song that goes, “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone….I can see all obstacles in my way…Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind…it’s gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day.”

LITTOF: Do you have a plan for the future?

LAURIE: Oh yes, family, fun, experiencing life to the fullest, and freedom.

LITTOF: What advice would you give to someone who is either worried about losing his/her home or is actually in foreclosure?

LAURIE: It may be the best thing that has happened to you, giving you a new start and a new perspective. Don’t waste your energy trying to stay aboard a sinking ship, if foreclosure is the direction you are headed, focus your energy on a plan for a new life. A house is not a home.

LITTOF: Anything else?

LAURIE: Just want you to know that your blog really helped me in a time when I thought I was the only one. Your honesty and candid thoughts on the subject as if happened were inspiring. Thanks.

LITTOF: Thank you, Laurie. And best of luck in the future. I love your idea of road-schooling your kids! Keep in touch!

QUESTIONS FOR READERS -

- Do you have a plan D? What is it?

- Have you experienced the same runaround in a trial loan modification? What happened and how did you handle it?

About the picture- I asked Laurie to send me a picture of what represents "HOME" to her today. And this is the picture she sent. I love it!

Send me your pictures of what represents home to YOU and I'll share them on the LITTOF Facebook Page. You can send them here: loveinthetimeofforeclosure@gmail.com

Here's a story about the trouble with trial loan modifications:

Gov't Loan Mod Program Leaves Some Homeowners Worse Off - Pro Publica

The secret to happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:04:00 +0000

This is a chair:

And this is a person:

Wanting this person to be any different than they are, would be like wanting the chair to get up and walk across the room.

No matter how much I may want the chair to get up and walk across the room, it's never going to happen.

Because it's a chair. And chairs don't walk.

Wanting a person to be different than they are in any way IS just like wanting the chair to walk across the room.

It is.

No. It is.

Don't argue with me.

Wanting the people in my life to be different than they are is a waste of time.

Having expectations that they will be different than they are is a set up for disappointment.

Wanting someone to be different than they've been the entire time I've known them is a lot like the definition of insanity- Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Wanting and expecting people to be more the way I want them to be as opposed to them being exactly the way that they are is not only insane and pointless, it's a lose-lose for both parties.

And it won't ever work. Much like wanting the chair to walk across the room.

Why not?

Because people are the way they are.

And I can't change them by wanting them to change.

So, what can I do?

Change myself.

Allow people to be the way they are.

Foster the ability to be great with people even when (especially when) they're not great with me.

Love them for who they are AND for who they're not.

And remember that people are the way they are.

And they're not the way they're not.

And a chair is just a chair.

And that is the secret to happiness.

The end.

Love is... being willing to say when you've been a jackass

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 06:07:00 +0000

Believe In Goodness by Rob Ryan

I love my husband. There's no question. Even when I'm mad at him, I still love him. But that doesn't mean that I always demonstrate my love. That I exemplify it 100% of the time. No. It does not. I wish it did. But I'm human. And therefore a lot of crap gets in the way of my full expression of unconditional love.

If love were the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, I licked away the hard shell last night, exposing it.

Wait. What? A Tootsie Roll Pop? Love is the center of a Tootsi--
I know. Terrible. But just... what I'm trying to say is... sometimes the actual experience of love is hidden. Or covered up by hard, crunchy layers of... of... humanity?

Moving on.

Here's what I want to say...

Last night I saw something about myself I didn't like. Something ugly. Something that I really didn't want to own up to. Not at all.

Does that ever happen to you? You're hit by the reality that you're not as perfect as you thought you were? I know. Crazy, right? But it happened to me. Last night. Well, the truth is... it happens all the time. All. The. Time. But last night was a big one. Big enough for me to share on the blog.

the ugly truth
When it comes to my wonderful husband who I love so much, I often lack compassion. Or said another way... I can really be a heartless witch with a b. When the appropriate response would be compassion, I demonstrate annoyance and callousness. When he needs me to be gentle and kind, I become unfeeling. I said it was ugly, didn't I? It's U.G.L.Y.

the incident
Okay. In order to put this into context, we need to go back a few weeks to the moment when Bob walked full force into Malcolm's Radio Flyer cart. Barefoot. There was a sharp scream from the kitchen. Followed by a flurry of profanity. And then limping/hobbling. Followed by silence and focused breath. Breathing through the pain. Then...

"I broke my toe. It's broken."

My response?

Not, "What can I do?!"

Or, "I'm so sorry!"

Not even, "You poor baby."

No. What I said was, "You didn't break your toe." I did get him some ice, but it was more like, "Here's some ice. Put that on it and you'll be fine." Okay, if I'm being really honest, the tone was more like this: "Put this on your damn foot and stop complaining."

Yeah. Cold. I know. Horrible.

His foot hurt really bad for a few days. Or more. Like a whole week. And then he kept walking into things around the apartment. And instead of showing sympathy, I would say things like, "Stop walking into things." (As if he were doing it on purpose.) And, "You need to be more careful. Watch where you're walking." As though I'm so perfect. As if I've never accidentally walked into anything or injured myself in a dumb way. As though I didn't break my toe by accidentally kicking the door jam while running to the TV to catch the start of an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." (It was before Tivo, okay?)

Anyway, fast forward a few weeks. Bob's still in pain. A lot. He's having a hard time walking. There's clearly something going on with his foot. He has an x-ray which shows nothing. He goes to the acupuncturist who says that it's clear that there's been some trauma to his foot. The acupuncture helps to an extent. But then he carries some furniture out to the curb and aggravates it again. Now he can barely walk.

So he puts it in a bucket of ice to bring down the swelling. Have you ever stuck your foot in a bucket of ice? Not fun. I had to do it for a stress fracture in high school. I can attest to the incredible pain. But instead of commiserating while he's sitting there with his foot in the bucket I say:

"Just breathe through the pain."

Good advice. However, the problem here is what I'm thinking in my head: "Suck it up, for God's sake."

At this point you might be asking yourself, "What the hell is wrong with you, Steph?!" Well, I'm getting there. Because last night it all came to the surface.

the breakthrough
I was pissed off because Bob couldn't help me around the house. I mean, he barely could. I asked him to help in spite of his injury. So he's hobbling around, picking up toys. And I feel like he's hobbling to make a point. To make me feel bad for asking. All I can think is that he's really milking this.

What I won't even consider is perhaps he really is in too much pain to be cleaning up the apartment. I don't want to accept that. Because if that's true, then it means that I'm a terrible person for making him help me. But I can't stop feeling like I'm now stuck doing everything. Everything! I am throwing such a pity party in my head.

I even say to Bob:

"I feel like all I do is take care of everyone else and no one ever takes care of me!"

What I wasn't admitting even to myself is that I was looking at Bob's injury as an inconvenience to me. And I only saw how it impacted me. It put me out. It made my life harder. But there was no way I would ever admit that. Because that makes me horrible. Instead, I attempted to cover it up. Which didn't work. And I took my seeding resentment out on Bob.

AGAIN... I didn't know I was doing that. I really didn't know. I knew that I wasn't being nice, but I didn't see the extent of my utter lack of compassion.

Last night I saw it. Crystal clear. I'm not even sure what it was that had me see it. Maybe the sight of my injured husband hobbling around while I barked orders and complaints at him. I saw myself from the outside. Like a fly on the wall. I finally saw myself. The lack of compassion. The cold heartedness.

What did I do then? Thankfully, I owned up to it.

"Bob," I said meekly.

No answer.

"Bob?"

No answer. He's clearly ignoring me.

"Bob!"

"I'm too pissed off to go to bed right now!"

He assumed I was going to tell him to just go to bed since I had already said a few minutes before. I suggested he just go to bed. Not in a nice way. In a "You're doing me no good anyway" kind of way.

And so I respond:

"I'm trying to apologize."

Not the best start. But I had to begin somewhere.

I continued:

"Here's the thing. I'm noticing that I have a really hard time being compassionate towards you and I don't know why that is."

Bob's look said it all.

"Ya think?!"

"I have been trying to cover for the fact that I've lacked compassion towards you but it's not working."

Again. His look tells me that this is not news to him.

"Here you are injured for weeks. In pain. Suffering. Frustrated because you don't even know what's wrong with your foot and you don't know when it will get better. And I'm completely unsympathetic."

"Yeah."

"Even worse than that. I've been annoyed by the fact that you're injured. Your injury has been annoying me. I've been a total jackass. And I'm so sorry."

Silence.

"And I promise to work on it. I want to be better at this. I really do. I'm so ashamed by my behavior."

The more I owned up to my behavior, the more I saw it. And the more I realized how awful it's been for Bob. I don't know what it is that has me withhold compassion when he needs it most. I think part of me just wants things to be normal. Life as usual. And so I don't even acknowledge the problem. As though not acknowledging it will make it not so.

At some point when I was expressing how I didn't understand WHY I'm so lacking in compassion, Bob said, "Because you resent me."

I couldn't deny it. It was yet another ugly insight. One I didn't want to be true, but when I looked honestly, I had been resenting him. Unconsciously. For what, exactly? Well... I'd been feeling unappreciated and ignored as a woman. Romance has been non-existent lately. And I've felt like we're more like two beings occupying the same space than two people in love. I've been craving more attention from Bob. I've been wanting him to go out of his way to express love and romance. And I have been resigned that it would happen. That resignation led to resentment, apparently.

And this ugly insight led to a really wonderful conversation about how things have changed since we've become parents. We both talked about what we can work on individually and as partners.

"We haven't been on the same page," Bob says.

He's right. We've been more focused on ourselves than on each other or on our partnership. And it's both of us. We can both be doing so much more. We agreed that we can start by really being PRESENT and IN THE MOMENT. And make an effort on a daily basis.

It was so awesome that we saw this last night and instead of getting angry and storming off or fighting, we calmly talked through it. We stood in each others' shoes. And in the end, our love was present. It was palpable. We got to the chewy center!

bad news/good news
You've heard of bad news/good news insights right? This insight into myself was bad news because it's such an ugly thing to see about myself. But good news that I actually and finally saw it. Because now that I SEE it. And now that I have owned up to it to Bob, I can actually impact it. I can call myself out on it. And I can ask for help.

Love is a lot of things. Sometimes it's being willing to say when you've been a jackass.

Tonight while we were having dinner on a date (After our conversation last night, Bob arranged for a babysitter and a last minute date night,) Bob said, "Compassion is letting go of being right even when you know you are." Letting go of being right... even when you know you are. To me, that's love. And so powerful.

I love you, Bob. Thank you for being my partner in every sense of the word. And for loving me through the ugly.

What do you do when you see something ugly about yourself?
Do you own up to it? How?

From the archives: Day 3 on the Island - Is this house haunted?

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 05:28:00 +0000

Happy Halloween! I hope you enjoy this Halloween post from two years ago... when we had just moved in to the house on the island.

(This post was originally posted on 10.31.09 on Love in the Time of Foreclosure at ChicagoNow)

We're in the checkout line at the hardware store buying a Swiffer with the help of Friday Harbor local and LITTOF reader, Joy. We had been looking at space heaters but balked at the $30 price tag. I am just looking for something to make the house warmer, cozier, homier.

Our friend Chris will be arriving soon in a Budget truck with our stuff from storage... all the way from L.A.

Yep, he's driving our stuff up for us. By himself. All the way... from L.A. And on the truck is our bed. Which means we could move into the house from the cabin. Which means we have to find a way to heat the place up a bit. Hence the desire for a space heater. But that will have to wait.

So we're paying for the Swiffer when we tell the woman at the checkout line that we have just moved here. We tell her that we're caretaking a house for two years and describe the house to her. She knows it. (It's a small island.) When I tell her that we're living in it, she stops, looks up and with wide eyes says, "You're living in it?!"

"Yes. Why?" I ask knowing the answer. I can feel it. The way she's looking at us.

"You know that house is haunted, right?" She says. Matter of fact.

Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! There had been mention of a 'friendly' ghost in the upstairs room but I hadn't given much weight to that. Simply because I don't want to believe that there actually could be a ghost up there. It's an old house. Yes. I've lived in old houses before. There's always the possibility of paranormal activity (if you believe in that sort of thing) in an old house, but I choose not to think about that.

But this woman is serious. Adding to my already overactive imagination.

"Oh, it's haunted," she states.

I laugh. Nervously. Is she messing with us? I mean I will believe anything anyone tells me. But she really does seem serious about this. She tells us that several prior owners had sold it because of strange noises.

Now this just seems ridiculous. The last two owners ran it as a B&B and the last owner didn't sell. It was foreclosed. (I know that's another piece of irony for another time.) When I mention that it was a B&B she says that the ghost was part of the charm.

More nervous laughter.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm freaked. Trying to be cool, but totally freaked. I ask if she knows the backstory of the ghost and if there's anything we should do to appease it. Or if there's anything that might anger the ghost. If there's a ghost I do not want to anger it. Joy makes a joke about garlic. And the woman with the ghost story says, "It's not a vampire."

Silence. Then, I ask...

"Seriously, you're not joking? It's really haunted?"

"It's an old farmstead," she replies. As though to say, Of course it is. What do you expect?

What do I expect? I guess I expect to feel safe. To not live in a haunted house. Silly me. I look at the man waiting in line behind us who has just overheard our entire conversation. He's smiling and says,

"There's no such thing as ghosts."

We pay for the Swiffer, say goodbye and thank you to Joy and get in the car to head back to our possibly haunted house. Before we even leave the parking lot, I'm crying.

"I don't want to live in a haunted house!"

It's all at the surface now. My fears. My tears. My paranoia.

What the hell was I thinking?! I really thought I could do this? Live in the country on an island in an old farmhouse that is now apparently haunted?! What the heck is wrong with me?! Why on earth would I want to do this?! Yeah, let's move all the way to the edge of the world as far as seemingly possible from friends and family and into a haunted house on an island. That's a great idea! WHAT THE F---?!

Bob is being calm and completely patient with me. I'm trying my best to quiet my fears but at this moment I have no idea what to do. There's no doubt about it. I am completely and totally freaked out of my mind. I can't do this! I cannot do this, I cry.
Apparently Day 3 is my meltdown day, I tell Bob and we laugh. It was bound to happen. We both expected it. So here it is. Triggered by a ghost story.

When we get home I sit down and write an e-mail to four friends that will be visiting us in November. Here is an excerpt from that e-mail:

Bob believes in ghosts but says he doesn't sense a presence in the house. I don't know what I believe. I just know that I'm a freakin' scaredy cat.... and I'm creeped out at night. Bob said this is probably the safest place I've ever lived in my entire life. He's right, I'm sure. But it all feels strange.

I do hope to get past this because right now I'm ready to bail. Again, scary movie plot.... all the previous potential caretakers bailed on the opportunity. The only ones that made it were the ones that had no other option. Us. And here we go.

Can we coexist with the ghosts? Are there any or just my wicked imagination? And what the heck has happened to my life? It's completely and entirely unrecognizable.

I miss you guys so much.
I miss L.A.
I miss our old life.
I miss the sun. Yes, it's cold. Bring warm clothes. Wool socks. Weather-proof jackets.

The responses I got made me feel so much better. Michael shared that he had lived with a ghost and it was fine once he acknowledged its presence. He also wrote this:

Meltdowns are good. They get rid of toxins. One of my favorite quotes is from Helen Keller, where she said "the only way out, is through". I've always thought of a meltdown as something I just have to go through in order to get out of whatever it is that has me stuck.

You're strong. Trust.

Thank you, Michael. That made me feel so much better.

Chris arrives with the truck and a bottle of wine called The Ghost of 413 as a housewarming gift. It makes me laugh.

It's pouring with rain again and dark by now... so we decide to wait until morning to unload the truck. That means one more night in the cozy cabin. But first, dinner. We decide to eat in town because we hadn't prepared anything and I was not in the mood to be in the house.

It's great to have Chris here. He brought the metaphorical L.A. sunshine and a much needed friend "fix." Talking always helps. For me, for sure. So after calmly talking about the possibility of the house being haunted and sharing our own paranormal experiences, for some reason I felt more grounded and less jumpy. At least able to sleep. Comforted by the presence and support of a friend. And relaxed by the help of red wine.

Is the house haunted?

I don't know. For now, I choose not to think about it. I choose to just move "through."
Happy Halloween, everyone!
P.S. This post is entirely true. And just happens to coincidentally have occurred the week leading up to Halloween. Perhaps making me even more jumpy than I might normally be.

P.P.S. Please let us know in the comments if you have ever had any experience living with a ghost. Do you even believe in ghosts?

Dwelling in inspiration and what inspires you

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 02:39:00 +0000

Malcolm inspires me!

Something I noticed this week while dwelling in inspiration... I was inspired. All week. Fancy that. Talking about what inspires me, actually inspires me.

Did the same happen for you? I asked you on Facebook and Twitter what inspires you and some of you responded. I bet that in that moment you were inspired. By simply calling to mind and sharing your inspirations. Useful to note. And to remember when you're feeling uninspired.

Thank you for playing this week! I had fun and I hope you did to.

To cap off inspiration week, I'm sharing what inspires YOU.

Facebook Responses:

BOO BOO JAMES
Woman with a Parasol in a Garden by Renoir
Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones
Fools Gold - Stone Roses
Glory Box - Portishead
The Godfather, Macbeth, Gene Kelly
Really good acting

JENNIFER BECK FURBER
David Bowie
Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust
Nobokov

ADRIENNE BOURNE
My kids
JD Salinger
American Girl by Tom Petty
Dorothy's Red Shoes
Any speech by MLK
Sesame Street

PAM WEINERT
I am inspired by people who succeed against all odds..like making the impossible possible..by people who never give up, never quit, and do not stop! That's what inspires me.

LISSY WEISS
Anything Mazzy Star, Radiohead, Cat Power, Joy Division, The Cure, Feist, Lykke Li, The XX. The song Crystalized by the XX is a great song to get me going.
And anything by Lady Gaga..If I want to say anything more specific, I would have to say Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. Music in general I think motivates me the most.
And I really like paintings by Renoir and Gauguin after visiting Paris.

NATHANIEL ROSS
The understanding that we're not going to be here forever, and that every day on this orbiting hunk of space rock we call Earth there's opportunity to attempt something GREAT. Whether it be to give a great smile to someone on the street, make a great meal for friends or family, or create a great work of art. The opportunity inspires me. Oh, and all that music and literature and stuff are just vitamins for the soul!

JULIE BURROUGHS DUNNE
Cleaning out the closets and scrubbing the house makes me feel energized and re-focused.
I also feel more inspired to appreciate what I see around me when I focus on taking care of what I already have.

PORTER KELLY
My mom, who is very different from me but has an unusually big, open heart
My amazingly talented friends
My dog who loves unconditionally
The vast range of beauty in nature
GREAT movies, music, books and TV of all genres
The girls and women I work with at WriteGirl
My nieces and nephews

MEGAN DOUGLAS
Bjork's Army of Me always inspires me to kick some ass. Eminem's Lose Yourself inspires me to either get to the gym or keep working out, depending on where I hear it. Prince inspires me to embrace my sexual side. My husband inspires me to be a more giving of myself.

JANET TAYLOR
My students

Update- 10:49 PM 10/28/11 Megan just posted this on my FB page and I wanted to include it. Sending healing vibes her mom's way:

MEGAN MILES HAHN
My mom. She's battling brain cancer and I don't think I've ever met a more upbeat positive person.

Twitter Responses:

@whmike - MICHAEL SHUTT
Don't laugh, but Stacey Francis (in the over 30s) on X-Factor is inspiring me these days.

(Thanks for responding, Michael. You were the only Twitter response to the inspiration question. And I did check out Stacy on the Youtube. She can sing!)

My extremely scientific analysis of this extremely technical study is that music is a common inspiration. Hooray for music! It's hard to answer the question, isn't it? Because there are just so many things that inspire. That's a good thing.

Good night. Have an inspiring weekend!

And feel free to keep this conversation going. Keep sending me what inspires you and I'll keep writing about it. Deal? Deal.

Inspired by DANCE and Anne Marsen!

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 04:52:00 +0000

I love dance. I love to dance. I love the joy it inspires in a moment. I love letting go of my inhibitions and just moving my body. I love letting music infect me and make me believe in movement. I love allowing myself to be silly. To dance well. To dance adorkably. To just dance.

And I love to watch other people dance. Especially EXCITING dancers.

What makes a dancer exciting? Talent, yes. But that's not it alone. It's the love. The joy. Is it tangible? Can you feel it? Does watching them make you fall in love? With dance? With life in general? THAT'S an exciting dancer.

Anne Marsen is one of those dancers. I discovered her by accident. A happy accident. Anne is an improvisational dancer. And an internet sensation. For good reason. You'll see. As a child she studied at the School of American Ballet at Lincoln Center. And now she's unabashedly freestyling all over the world, including Mumbai and the Staten Island Ferry.

Dancing on the Staten Island Ferry
What made Anne an internet sensation was a collaboration with friends. A long form music dance video called Girl Walk // All Day. The trailer for the video was shot on the Staten Island Ferry and got some MAJOR hype.

From the Girl Walk// All Day website:

Girl Walk // All Day is a feature length dance music video and tale of urban exploration that follows three dancers across New York City. They turn the city's sidewalks, parks and architecture into an evolving stage as they spread their joy of movement.

I completely missed all the hype about this video.

I missed the video being posted on The Gothamist.

I missed the story on The Huffington Post.

I missed the story in the New York Times Magazine.

Instead, I stumbled on it by complete accident. I was searching "inspiration" on Twitter when I came across a Tweet from ModCloth about Got a Girl Crush magazine who did a feature on Anne.

So that's how I found this nugget of joy:

Girl Walk // All Day from jacob krupnick on Vimeo.

Right? RIGHT?! I mean, now you want to see more, yes? I know. I know!

The full-length feature is going to be released chapter by chapter on The Gothamist in November. I can't wait to see it. In the meantime, check out the official trailer on the Girl Walk // All Day site and Anne's wonderfully whimsical, inspiring and infectious dance videos on her Vimeo page.

Get. Sucked. In.

Want to know more about Anne? Well, you can check out the above link to the New York Times Magazine feature about her and the feature in Got a Girl Crush Magazine.

You can also learn more about her high school days from a story from NorthJersey.com that gives some insight. (By the way, she graduated high school in 2007. I'm not so good at math, but that makes her, what? Twelve?):

Teneack High School graduate Anne Marsen becomes and overnight internet sensation - NorthJersey.com

Now bust a move already!

The inspiration of Fallingwater

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 20:51:00 +0000

If I had an official bucket list, Frank Lloyd Wright's masterpiece, Fallingwater would be on it. Crossed off.

Last month Bob, Malcolm and I took a trip to visit Bob's mom and boyfriend in Western Maryland. They live right near the border of Pennsylvania and West Virginia in a small town that, while beautiful, is not a thriving metropolis. We talked about taking a ride on an old steam train into the mountains, but it wasn't running on the days we could go. Then Bob's mom casually mentions that we could visit Fallingwater if we wanted to.

What?! That's near here?! What are we waiting for?!

Turns out it was only about an hour and a half drive.

And so we all piled into the car and enjoyed the incredibly picturesque drive through the Western Appalachians to Mill Run, PA and Fallingwater.

I had high expectations, to be sure. But they were honestly surpassed by the experience of being in such an exhilarating space. I was incredibly inspired by just being there. The things he thought of. The details. The synergy with the natural surroundings. The inspiration of the natural surroundings. The water, the crisp air, the trees, the rocks and earth. The light.

Fallingwater was commissioned by the Kaufmann family - who owned a department store in Pittsburgh- and was built during 1936 and 1939. During the Great Depression. It was the Kaufmann's summer home. So... second homes were built even during the Great Depression. Like today. Right? Are there people out there building second homes in this economy?

We had a tour guide who led us through the house. Edgar Kaufmann Jr. helped design the tour himself. I asked a lot of questions...

Does the house leak? (Yes.)
Why isn't the kitchen on the tour? (Edgar Kaufman Jr. felt the kitchen wasn't architecturally significant enough.)
What's this button for? (For calling the servants.)
What's that smell? (It's from the humidity. We don't even notice it anymore.)

Being there filled me with such a sense of beauty. And that beauty inspires. It fills me with a joy and appreciation for life. It sharpens my eye for art in everyday objects around us. Art in nature. It makes me happy.

And Frank Lloyd Wright's uncompromising vision is undeniable. Apparently the Kaufmann's had expected him to design the house with views of the water falls. Not ON TOP of the waterfalls. That choice, so bold. It is what transforms this house from just a house to a living piece of art.

And that's how it felt being there. Like I was walking through a living piece of art. What a gift to all of us when Edgar Kaufmann Jr. donated Fallingwater to the Western Pennsylvania Conservancy.

You aren't allowed to take pictures of the interior, so I only have this picture of a postcard I bought in the gift shop:

You can see more pictures and all kinds of great information about Fallingwater on the website.

If I had to sum up in the most simple terms what Fallingwater inspires in me, I would say this:

1. Unencumbered thinking
2. There's no such thing as being too bold when creating
3. Uncompromising execution

Here's another pic of a postcard of Fallingwater:

And here I am with Fallingwater in the background (Hi!):

Have you been to Fallingwater?
Do you have a favorite example of architecture as art?
What does it inspire in you?

Brene Brown: The courage to be imperfect

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 01:48:00 +0000

Day 2 of LITTOF Inspiration Week is all about the power of vulnerability as masterfully distinguished by research professor and author Brene Brown.

Do you watch TED talks? My mom was the first person to introduce me to TED at least five years ago. There have been so many TED talks that have inspired me over the years. But, this one by Brene Brown is especially inspiring, important and powerful.

Who is Brene Brown?

From her profile from the TED website:

Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness.

She poses the questions:

How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?

I recently became a subscriber to her wonderful blog, Ordinary Courage, and began following Brene on Twitter because I am a total nerd for vulnerability. I'm a big believer in loving and living full-out with no guarantees. In feeling things (good and bad) deeply. And embracing the rough edges in ourselves and in life. These are the goods Brene traffics in. And she has got the goods.

What the hell am I talking about? Well, just watch her talk from June 2010 at TEDx Houston and you'll see exactly what I mean. In this TED talk, Brene gets to the heart of what it means to feel fully loved and worthy. To be fully alive and vulnerable in our lives. I can't recommend her talk enough. Enjoy!

INSPIRATION WEEK kicks off with Chris Guillebeau on Sufficiency!

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 15:54:00 +0000

This week is officially INSPIRATION WEEK here on LITTOF!

Each day I will post at least one time with something that inspires me. It could be a song, a quote, a blog post, a video... Doesn't matter the format. The inspiration is the point.

I thought I'd kick things off with a blog that inspired me at a really difficult time in my life.

It was 2009. The night after our big "Freeing-Up Sale" where we attempted to sell EVERYTHING. Our house was suddenly bare. Our things no longer inhabited our space. The space. The space that was only ours to inhabit for a couple more weeks. Until the closing. Then no more.

The couch was gone. The chairs were gone. All of the furniture from the guest room. The dressers, the bed, the lamps. The floor lamp, the dining room table, the chairs, the bookcases were all gone. The pots and pans, the white dishes, the washer/dryer, the Danish sideboard were gone. The XBox, Guitar Hero, board games and books. Even Big Boy was gone.

I remember this moment so clearly. I was sitting at my laptop in my favorite place in the house-- at our kitchen counter in one of my beloved Eames fiberglass stools (that we still hadn't sold.) I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. I was trying to imagine our future beyond my parents' basement. Where would we eventually land? If this was no longer our home, where would our home be?

I needed to sleep. But I couldn't. My mind was on a familiar loop:

Must. Make. Something. Happen. Must. Make. Something. Happen. Must. Make. Something. Happen.

And in that state, sleep wasn't an option. So I surfed the web. And I somehow (through Twitter) landed on a blog I had never heard of before:

The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau

I was drawn to the title. And especially the subtitle:

Unconventional Strategies for Life, Work & Travel

Yes. That's what we need. That's what we've been out to create. An unconventional strategy! Fate brought me to this blog at just the right moment. Now, who is this Chris Guillebeau? I quickly learn that he's no slouch and has this ridiculously amazing and inspiring goal to visit every country in the world. Every. Country. In. The. World. No joke.

On his About Page, he writes about his philosophy:

The essence of my philosophy is this:

1. You don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to.

2. You can do good things for yourself and help other people at the same time.

3. If you don’t decide for yourself what you want to get out of life, someone else will probably end up deciding for you.

4. There is usually more than one way to accomplish something.

YES! Right?! Doesn't that make you want to read more? It made me want to read more. The post from that day, June 15, 2009 was SUFFICIENCY.
Here's what Chris says about sufficiency:

As I see it, sufficiency simply means enough. It means having everything you need and not lacking for anything.

How this translated to me in that moment: We truly can be content in the face of "losing" everything. In fact, let's stop talking about how we're "losing" things. And let's keep talking about how to be truly happy with what you have. Chris was speaking directly to me.

And it just got better. He writes:

For me, the most important principle of personal finance is self-awareness. The values of frugality and generosity are also important to me, but I don’t think either can be consistently practiced without first being self-aware. Both frugality and generosity have to be related to a deeper value of clearly understanding how we think about money.

To become self-aware, it helps to know exactly what sufficiency looks like for you. How much money do you really need to a) meet your basic obligations, and b) do the things you want to do?

Once you have that amount, you have the walk-away number. That’s the number with which you can comfortably walk away from any commitment that is incompatible with who you are and what you really want. You can start to focus on building a life more than building a bank account. You learn to value experiences (things you do) more than possessions (things you own).

Valuing experiences more than possessions?! YES! That's WHY we were selling all our stuff. Because, as Bob said, "I want to acquire experiences, not things." I was so inspired by Chris' post and his manifesto.

Towards the end of the post, Chris writes:

One of the best feelings in the world comes from the awareness that everything will be okay.

And that's so true. That feeling, by the way, does not come from having tons of money. Money has nothing to do with it. Things have nothing to do with it. And that's a wonderful thing.

Without further ado, I send you over to The Art of Non-Conformity to read SUFFICIENCY and discover more inspiration than you might be able to handle at Chris' site.

After reading his post (and after inevitably joining him on Facebook, following him on Twitter and delving into the archives,) come back here and share with us what you took from it.

And I'm taking suggestions for inspiring posts. If you'd like to share something that inspires you - be it a person, an image, a poem, a story - write me at loveinthetimeofforeclosure@gmail.com

Or just share it in the comments below. Either way works!

Thank you! And I hope you're inspired!

-Steph

Anonymous people who hate

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 20:56:00 +0000

On Friday, Eastsider LA ran this short piece about the book: Silver Lake Foreclosure Drama Goes from Blog to Book.

"Did you see the Eastsider LA story about the book," I asked Bob as he walked in the door after work.

"Yeah. And don't worry. There were people defending you too."

"Defending me? What?"

"In the comments. You didn't read them? Don't."

"No. I didn't read them. They were mean?"

"They weren't only mean."

Shit. Not again. It all comes rushing back. I'm naked, surrounded by total strangers who are pointing and laughing at my not-as-fit-as-it-used-to-be naked body. Did I mention I'm naked? These strangers are drawing diagrams around my body... like commentators at a football game. They are circling the flaws. Both inner and outer. There's no escape.

Other people's opinions
I know how it goes because I experienced it when we were in the midst of losing our house... when I had first started blogging. I knew that writing about our huge debt, financial mistakes and foreclosure would attract opinions. A lot of opinions. And I'm of the mind that everyone is entitled to their opinion. They may be misguided. But still. We all have them. We all make snap judgements about people based on sometimes even the tiniest morsel of information. At least most of us do that. The ones that don't? I admire them. Greatly. Do they really exist?

Here's the thing, most of us have these snap judgements but don't go posting them online in the comment section. Most of us don't wish perfect strangers ill. Most of us don't get online and point and point an laugh at people when they're down. We either keep our judgements to ourselves or we acknowledge them and let them go because we realize that no one is actually perfect. We realize that we aren't perfect. And we have compassion. For ourselves and others. We have the ability to stand in someone else's shoes and at least try to imagine what it might be like for them.

My very own internet haters
Back in 2009 I made the mistake of reading the comments section on the Curbed LA article.

This is what I learned about us from the comments section...

According to various anonymous posters, we are:

-Pretentious dumbasses
-Self-absorbed jackasses
-Attention whores
-We have poor taste in music
-We are liars who lied about our finances
-We deserve everything that is happening to us
-We are gamblers
-We are scammers
-We will probably end up getting divorced and one particular commenter actually said they hoped that we did. (seriously)

Some of those commenters actually researched the terms of our mortgage from both our house and our condo. (I can only imagine how much time they wasted doing this!)

They speculated on which house we actually lived in. They made fun of our neighborhood. They made fun of the fact that I was a failed writer. They criticized the fact that we re-financed our mortgage. Bring me one homeowner who wouldn't at least try to refinance when interest rates drop. Banks buy and sell mortgages all the time and a homeowner it isn't considered "good form" to refinance?! Anyway... that's an entirely new can of worms.

They assumed that we were flippers since we were in such a hurry to renovate the house. They made up stories about us. They spent a lot of time talking about all the mistakes we had made and how awful we are as human beings.

I let them get to me
To say that this bothered me, well, is a gross understatement. I felt sick to my stomach for days after reading the comments. I fell into a pit of despair wherein I just beat myself up with the belief that these anonymous strangers were right about me. I am a horrible person and deserve every horrible thing happening to me. Then I got so pissed at myself for caring what complete strangers think about me and allowing their uninformed snap judgements bring me down.

I'd already beat myself up enough for landing in the situation we were in. And that was no secret. I wrote about that in the open on the blog. I made it clear that we didn't look at ourselves as victims. Not in the least. We acknowledged that we were responsible for our situation and that's exactly what gave us the power to be able to keep everything in perspective. Besides, we were trying to do everything to make it right. We weren't strategically walking away from our house like so many people are doing nowadays. These anonymous jerks didn't know us. And bless them for all their perfection. I'm sure they've never made a single mistake.

"Attention Seeking Whores"?
And we are total attention whores for writing publicly about our financial drama.

Well, I've been called a drama queen and attention-seeker before. By my family. The people that know me best. But they never said it in a disparaging way. But rather in a loving way. Okay, I admit. I definitely have a flair for the dramatic. And as a kid, my favorite line was, "Mom! LOOK AT ME!!!!"

I'm a Leo, after all. So, attention-seeking is a personality trait that I've battled/embraced/battled my whole life. I've always felt like it was wrong to be someone who wants attention. And this is why that comment really stung. Because I didn't want to be an "attention whore." I just wanted to help people. By sharing what we were going through. Because NOBODY WAS DOING IT. NO ONE. Not one other person.

At the time that I started the blog, foreclosure was a word you whispered, not shouted. People weren't talking about it. Some not even to their own spouses. And certainly not in public places. As someone who was facing losing our house, I wanted to read a first-person perspective. I wanted to know what to expect. I wanted to know how to avoid it. How to course-correct. I wanted to know we weren't alone.

This was the genesis for the blog. I wrote about openly about foreclosure because no one else was doing it. I wrote about our foreclosure and our commitment to learn from our mistakes because it helped us get through it. I wrote about the drama because I am a writer and I process by writing. And it helped. It helped us. And it helped others too.

But you know this, lovely readers. Those of you who have been here since the beginning. You know.

But more importantly, I know. We know. We know who we are and what we're out to create. We know that we're far from perfect. We know that as hard as we try, we'll never completely have our shit together. We'll never be perfect. But we can learn. And make up for our mistakes by not repeating them. By reaching out to others. By being a voice for positivity.

How to not care what the haters think
Needless to say, after my Curbed LA experience, I chose not to read the comments on the Eastsider LA post. I was told that in addition to the haters, there were also people defending us. Just like on the Curbed LA post. And that's nice. But I am really working on not caring what total strangers think of us and instead focus on what is within my control...

Being a responsible, generous, loving and authentic human being.

I don't always succeed in every area. But I get a new chance to make that effort every day. Every moment, actually. Every moment is a choice to either be great or something else.

As my grandma and probably every grandma in history used to say:

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

In this internet day in age, that has changed to:

"If you don't have anything nice to say to their face, go online and say it anonymously."

So, anonymous commenters, I say to you:

Thank you for being such a shining light of perfection in this world. I don't know what we'd do without people like you who are so unburdened by compassion and have never made a single mistake in your entire life.

Did I "ask" for this?

I suppose so. I did choose to put myself out there in a very public way. Not only did I write about an embarrassing topic on my blog, I also wrote a book. I really put myself out there.

Having unflattering things written about you is not fun. It can really sting. It all comes with the territory, though. If you choose to create and put something into the world, you're going to open yourself up to opinions and judgements. That is the price. It just is. And the quantity of haters only increases as your impact in the world grows.

As such, fear of other people's judgements is what keeps a lot of people from putting themselves out there.

So what do you do? Hold back? Hell, no.

Then what?

Ignore the haters. And just keep on putting yourself out there.

I'm glad I did.

Why?

Because I know it makes a difference.

How? Because you tell me that it does.

Thank you for telling me. It really does help to know that.
How else to deal with the hate?

Take Tim Ferriss' advice
Tim Ferriss is the author of the bestsellers- The 4-Hour Workweek and The 4-Hour Body. Bob and I are both big fans of him and his out-of-the-box approach to life. He is someone who holds nothing back. And he's also not a stranger to internet haters. His video presentation "Tim Ferriss Scam! Learning to Love Haters: Practical Tactics" is really eye-opening.

And tip #5 from the Mashable interview with Tim Ferriss- 7 Great Principles for Dealing with Haters - is especially helpful:

5. “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” (Epictetus)
“Another way to phrase this is through a more recent quote from Elbert Hubbard,” Ferriss says. “‘To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” Ferriss, who holds a Guinness World Record for the most consecutive tango spins, says he has learned to enjoy criticism over the years. Ferriss, using Roman philosophy to expand on his point, says: “Cato, who Seneca believed to be the perfect stoic, practiced this by wearing darker robes than was customary and by wearing no tunic. He expected to be ridiculed and he was, he did this to train himself to only be ashamed of those things that are truly worth being ashamed of. To do anything remotely interesting you need to train yourself to be effective at dealing with, responding to, even enjoying criticism… In fact, I would take the quote a step further and encourage people to actively pursue being thought foolish and stupid.”

New goal: Learn to enjoy criticism.

What a difference that would make! I figure that the more books I sell, the more criticism.
I hope to get lots of practice.

Love in the Time of Foreclosure, the eBook is here!

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 16:51:00 +0000

I am so thrilled to officially announce that LOVE IN THE TIME OF FORECLOSURE is now an eBook! Now you can read our triumph over foreclosure story -- edited and expanded-- all in one place.

I wrote a lot of new material to fill in some blanks that I left on the blog. In the book, you will find posts that I wrote during our time in foreclosure, but never published. Why? Because the material was too sensitive at the time and I was afraid of potentially scaring off any potential buyers for fear that I might blog about them.

I am extremely proud of the book and hope that it will make a big difference for people who are experiencing financial hardship of any kind - not just foreclosure.

Here is what Dick Gordon of "The Story" (heard on public radio stations nationwide) has to say about Love in the Time of Foreclosure:

"Stephanie Walker has the wit to transform the shame and anxiety of foreclosure into a genuine human adventure. Its a rare story-teller who can endure the soul-shaking loss of a home, and the concurrent stress on relationships, and see through that - one's higher priorities in life. Stephanie does this with the kind of humor and personal insight that challenges the fierce attachment that we have to bricks and boards, and she leads us to a new understanding of what's really important as "home"."

It is available as an eBook on AMAZON for the Kindle and on BARNES & NOBLE'S WEBSITE for the Nook.

Don't have an eReader? NO PROBLEM. You can still read the book. Just go to AMAZON and you can get the Kindle version for PC or even your Android. They have versions for all devices so that you can just read it on your computer.

If my blog has made a difference for you, I hope you will buy the book. By the way, Amazon makes it really easy to give as a gift as well.

To buy it for your Kindle, click HERE.

To buy it for your Nook, click HERE.

To buy it for your computer, click HERE.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to share our story and make a difference for even just 1% of the millions of Americans facing foreclosure. Or anyone, for that matter, dealing with challenging financial issues in this crazy economy. I strongly believe that our story can make a difference... that's the point in all of this.

Thank you all so much!

-Steph

Financial problems can strengthen a marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 05:23:00 +0000

I was recently interviewed for an article about how a financial crisis can actually strengthen a marriage. That story is here. Check it out! It's a great piece. I'm so glad to see this type of reporting on the financial crisis. There is hope, after all!

How Financial Troubles Can Help Relationships by Erica Sandberg -- CreditCards.com

Don't let foreclosure occupy your every thought

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 17:10:00 +0000

One of the biggest traps to fall into when facing foreclosure is allowing your financial crisis to occupy your every thought. When you're being bombarded with phone calls from creditors and letters from the bank it's not easy to live a life outside of foreclosure. It's as though your financial problems have set up base camp in your brain. Right? And they use your subconscious insecurities about your self-worth for kindling. The fire continues to burn in your head. Its oxygen is your fear of failure.

So, it's truly not easy. I completely get it. But you can douse those flames

You can create a foreclosure-free zone in your brain.

Here are 4 things that worked for me.

1. Pay attention to your thoughts
It's easy to allow automatic negative thoughts to overpower your mind if you're not paying attention. So start by paying attention. Notice how often you allow your thoughts to return to financial crisis and foreclosure. And get that you're actually the one allowing your thoughts to go there.

2. Just change the channel
My mom gave me some advice as a little girl that has helped me in this area. I used to have a hard time falling asleep because my mind would go to dark places. I would think scary thoughts and I would become too scared to sleep. One night Mom said, "Just change the channel."

That resonated with me. I reached my hands up to my ears and turned them like knobs on a TV. (Remember when TVs used to have knobs?) I turned my hands around my ears until I landed on a happy channel. And then I drifted peacefully to sleep.

It worked for me then and it works still today. When I'm overcome by negative or dark thoughts I know that I can just change the channel. If the little girl version of me could do it, the adult me can too.

3. Designated wallowing
Being in foreclosure, or unemployed, or in bankruptcy are serious states of being. There's no question about that. Sometimes, when my mind was overwhelmed by losing everything, the only thing that would work was to actually allow the thoughts to exist. But only for a designated period of time. If you must, wallow. But only for an hour at the most.

Set a timer and declare the next hour your personal pity party. Go full out. Pity yourself to the max. Be a world-class wallower. Be dramatic. And when the hour is up, move on. Change the channel.

4. Live your best life now
Losing everything isn't easy. But, in my experience, one of the worst things you can do is allow it to occupy your life. Live your best life now. Do not wait for the crisis to pass before you start living. Your life is happening now. It's not waiting for you. Don't miss it. (I'm starting to sound like Ferris Bueller now: "Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!")

You'll be surprised what amazing things you can create in the midst of losing everything. Trust me.

What would you add to this list?

Like this post? If so, please share it. You can easily "Like" it by clicking the handy dandy thumbs up right here at the bottom. Thank you!

7 Words Steve Jobs Never Uttered

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 21:11:00 +0000

Image credit: Jonathan Mak

I, like so many people, was surprised to find myself so impacted by the news that Steve Jobs died last night. Surprised because, though I am a huge Apple fan, I've never given too much thought to the co-founder. It's not like I sat around thinking about how remarkable Steve Jobs is every time I checked my e-mail on my iPhone. It was never a conscious thought. I guess I took for granted that an actual human being invented the remarkable tools that impact my life on a daily basis.

But last night at dinner when Bob said, "Steve Jobs died?" after sneaking a peak at his iPhone, I found myself choked up by the news.

"What? No. What? Seriously? He's dead?"

The news made me sad. Sad for him. Sad for his family. And sad for the world. The human being behind the technology was suddenly real in my mind. A real person. A visionary. Who succumbed at such an early age to this (and please pardon my french here) fucking disease.

How to be like Steve
Today, after watching and reading countless tributes, I'm left thinking about how I want to be more like Steve Jobs. And how there are seven key words that stop me in my tracks before I even begin to think about being more like Steve Jobs.

Those seven words are:

That's just not how things are done.

Has anyone ever told you that before? Have you ever uttered those words? Maybe you've said them to yourself. Maybe you say them to yourself on a regular basis.

I led a large part of my life prisoner to those seven words. "That's just not how things are done."

The "rules." The way you're supposed to do things. According to... who? Those who came before? The rule setters? The problem with the sentiment is that it only looks back on what has been done in the past and implies that anything never tried before is invalid.

I've been thinking about this a lot as I've been calling myself out for being stopped by fear. And today... all anyone is thinking about is Steve Jobs. Right? I mean, aren't you? Reflecting on Steve Jobs, reading all the wonderful tributes about his extraordinary life has me thinking about the limits I place on my own life.

I remember ten years ago (or something like that) when I had just finished writing my first full-length play, THREE FITTINGS, my good friend and actor Porter Kelly suggested we produce the play ourselves. I was against it. Why? Because that's just not how things are done. No.

You're supposed to send your play out to any and all theaters that might possibly be interested in producing your play in one of their four slots per year. Then you're supposed to wait up to a year (sometimes more, sometimes never) to hear back as to whether or not those theaters want to produce your play. And if they all say no, you either put the script in a figurative drawer or revise some more, send it out again and wait another year. Lots of waiting. And trips to the post office.

That's how "real" playwrights do it. That's at least what I thought. I thought self-producing was not in "good form." And that "people" would look down on it. They wouldn't consider it a "real" production. I'd be considered one of those playwrights. The kind that self-produce. I obviously had a negative connotation attached to "self-produce."

I didn't look at it as a way to take the bull by the horns. As a way to actually BE an artist as opposed to waiting around for someone else to make me one. To live in the moment. To chart my own course. To make art now!

No. Self-production for me was "just not how things are done."

So...

I'm not sure how I came around or what Porter or Bob said to change my mind. Because one of them, if not both, must have said something to pull me out of my little box. Or maybe it was something my mom said. Or my dad. Whatever it was, I did eventually come around. Maybe I just got tired of waiting. Porter and I formed WALKER KELLY PRODUCTIONS and produced the heck out of my play. We worked with some pretty fantastic people. Johnny Duda Directed. Cece Tio Assistant Directed. We had a cast of nine amazing women.... who all got along. It was an amazing experience.

The relationships created during that time are of the life-long variety. I learned so much. It was hugely challenging, frustrating, exhilarating, exhausting and extremely rewarding. If people thought I was a fraud for self-producing, I was having too much fun to care. To think that I could have missed out on such an amazing experience because I was afraid of what other people would think... just makes me crazy.

Those seven words put a stop to creativity. They don't allow for exploration and discovery. They are very dangerous words when put together. And they don't hold water. The only purpose they serve is to keep people small.

It has taken me a long time to really get how much I lived life by the "rules," beholden to those seven words. I didn't see how much it limited me. How afraid I was to take any action that might be considered "crazy" or "misguided" or "naive." It kept me living life in a tiny box. Making tiny progresses along the way.

And it's so unsatisfying.

I don't know for fact, but I'd be willing to bet that Steve Jobs never in his life uttered those seven words. He didn't follow the "rules," instead he made his own by trusting his "curiosity and intuition." To a person who is carving his own path in the world, the only thing to do when someone tells them, "That's just not how things are done," is laugh. Laugh because they know better.

I am finding myself incredibly moved by the passing of Steve Jobs. I just watched his 2005 Stanford commencement speech (thanks to the link shared by Man Vs. Debt in his incredibly moving tribute post today) and found myself crying.

Why? Because it's always sad when the world loses a visionary. Steve Jobs was a genius in the truest sense of the word. And it is with him in mind that I banish the words "That's just not how things are done" forever from my life and replace them with the mantra that Mr. Jobs shared with that Stanford audience: Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

If you haven't already watched this video, I HIGHLY recommend you do. It's incredibly inspiring.

And if you have a moment, share in the comments below how you can be more like Steve in your own life.

This post was written on a MacBook. Thank you, Mr. Jobs.

Banks burn borrowers post-foreclosure

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 17:34:00 +0000

If you're someone who is in foreclosure or teetering on the precipice, you need to read this Wall Street Journal article: House is Gone But the Debt Lives On

Why is it essential reading? Because it sheds light on the fact that banks are more actively pursuing borrowers post-foreclosure for the loss on the house. It's called a "deficiency judgement." I think there's a misconception out there that once you lose your house to foreclosure, that it's all over. But it's not.

This is why my mom - who is a Realtor and has been for 25+ years - strongly advised us to do everything in our power to sell the house in a short sale as opposed to letting it go to foreclosure. She wisely said something like this:

"At the point the bank takes the house back and auctions it off, there's no getting money out of you. Obviously. You have none. You've lost it all. But, you'll get back on your feet. And in a few years, you'll be doing all right. Maybe you'll even have some money in savings. That's when the bank shows up to press you for the deficiency. When you're well past the foreclosure. Once you have money again. You don't want that to happen. In that case, not only are you losing your house and your investment, you're also paying for it years down the road."

It was sage advice. And yet another reason (in the long list of reasons) why we didn't want to lose the house to foreclosure. We tried everything to sell it outright. When that didn't happen, we tried everything for a short sale. And fortunately, that worked.

The WSJ story says:

Foreclosed homes seldom fetch enough to cover the outstanding loan amount, both because buyers financed so much of the purchase price—up to 100% of it during the housing boom—and because today's foreclosures take place following a four-year decline in values.
"Now there are foreclosures that leave banks holding the bag on more than $100,000 in debt," says Michael Cramer, president and chief executive of Dyck O'Neal Inc., an Arlington, Texas, firm that invests in debt. "Before, it didn't make sense [for banks] to expend the resources to go after borrowers; now it doesn't make sense not to."

I know. Not good news if you're facing foreclosure. But you need to know the consequences of foreclosure. It's not just a negative impact on your credit score. Knowledge is power. The "rules" are changing every day. So, keep reading. Keep talking to your bank. Keep looking for alternatives. And keep focusing on all the things that make you grateful.

House is Gone but the Debt Lives On - Wall Street Journal

What do you think of Bank of America's $5 debit card fee?

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 21:17:00 +0000

Ron Swanson - Photo credit: nbc.com

I'm not a Bank of America customer anymore. I haven't been for a while. But the announcement of their $5 monthly fee for the privilege of having a debit card really bugs me. It more than bugs me.

We haven't used a credit card in three years. Or more? A little more. But we do use a debit card. We have to. It's the only way we can buy anything online. And they're handy. Most places don't take personal checks, but they do take debit cards. Debit cards makes life a lot easier when you're living a cash-based life. It eliminates the need to go to the teller at the bank... and only during bank hours. Making sure you have enough cash, etc. And it eliminates the need to carry a lot of cash on your person.

If my bank (Chase) were to start charging a $5 fee to have a debit card, I would switch banks. Seriously. Why? Because I already get charged transaction fees. And this $5 fee is for what, exactly?

Well, according to a Wall Street Journal article,

"The industry says it needs the fees to recoup revenue it will lose because of new government regulations taking effect Saturday that cap what they can charge merchants for debit-card transactions."

So they are trying to make up lost revenue by charging the debit card holder instead of the merchant. Sigh. This is business. I know. But I don't have to like it. Not at all.

More from the Wall Street Journal:

"The economics of offering a debit card have changed with recent regulations," a spokeswoman for Bank of America said Thursday.
In its internal memo, Bank of America said it will levy the $5 fee each billing cycle in which a customer uses a debit card to make a purchase. The fee will not be triggered by transactions at automated-teller machines.
The fee will apply to standard checking accounts, but not most premium accounts held by affluent customers. Banks typically exempt their premium accounts from many fees because they tend to be more profitable than standard accounts with lower balances.

I wonder how long it will take for all the banks to follow suit. I know that right now some banks are using the BOA announcement to brag about the fact that they don't charge a monthly fee. Yet.

Maybe Ron Swanson has it right. Time to buy gold and bury it in lots of different places. Then bury decoy gold to throw off your exes. Ah, I love Parks & Recreation. Don't you?

What do you think about all of this? Is it fair? Is it nonsense? Or is it just business?

Would you change banks on principal?

LITTOF STORIES: 4 People, 1 Dog and an Airstream

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 03:28:00 +0000

Over the last couple of years I have had the privilege of hearing some pretty inspiring stories from readers of Love in the Time of Foreclosure. Opening these e-mails always makes my day. And because they've made such a difference for me, I want to pass the inspiration along to you.

Meet LITTOF STORIES, a new feature on Love in the Time of Foreclosure that will feature readers' inspiring triumph over foreclosure stories. The key word: Inspiring.

The format of this series will likely change. Nothing is set in stone. I plan to stumble my way into the best format for these stories. Also, I’m not crazy about the name. It’s fine. But fine isn’t what I’m looking for. But it does the job for now. I reserve the right to change the name when I’m struck by inspiration.

With that said, I am happy to introduce you to Tami Rawn.

I "met" Tami when she sent me an e-mail after reading my post Could You Live in an Airstream Without Any Closets? Her answer was, yes. Yes, you can. And I did!

After selling her Florida home in a short sale, she moved into an Airstream with her two kids, boyfriend and dog. Two adults. Two children. And a Black Lab. In an Airstream. True story.

You know my obsession with Airstreams, right? Well, here she was living my fantasy. And so boldly.

Our initial e-mail exchange went like this:

TAMI: Currently my boyfriend, myself, my 8 yr. old daughter, 2 yr. old son, and last but not least my 10 yr. old black lab all live in our 1975 Airstream Land Yacht. I know, it sounds crazy and that's what everyone says, but we love it. I owned a house, until the market went upside down and so did the neighborhood, so I was forced to short sell. Not wanting to rent or buy another house, I went to plan B, my bucket list, to buy and live in an Airstream. And I am so glad I did. I love it and it has helped me to have the courage to take on other things in my life that I wouldn't of normally tried.

ME: I'm fascinated by the idea that you all live in this Airstream together! An 8 yr old AND a 2 yr old. And 2 adults and a dog?! Where do you live? How big is this Airstream? How much do you pay to have it hooked up to electricity? Do you move around and see the country or are you in one place?

TAMI: Let’s see… my Airstream is 31 ft. long, we have moved 4 times in the Airstream. As my daughter Coral Phoenix is now in the third grade, I am now stuck for a year at our new spot. It's cheap to live like this, about $575 a month -- that includes power, water, cable, and of course lot rent. Campground living is different than a trailer park, here people pick up and leave everyday and are replaced with new people from crazy places. My favorite thing about this so far is bbq everyday and watching the kids play on the swing set. It's quiet and slower. The rat race is essentially gone from your to-do list. Oh one more thing, when you move your Airstream, you don't even have to make your bed, or pack up anything, so the kids adjust very easy, which is extremely important!

:::

So you can see why I had to find out more. I thought Tami had just the type of story to kick off this series. I pitched it to Tami, she agreed and we were off to the races...

4 People, 1 Dog and an Airstream--

A LITTOF STORIES Q&A with Tami Rawn:

ME: First, please tell us about the house you used to own. Where was it and how long did you live there?

TAMI: My house was a cute little green garden house in Boynton Beach, FL. We lived there almost 4 years, until the neighborhood turned very scary and dangerous. The houses around us were rented out for very cheap and with that comes neighbors that just don’t care.

ME: Tell us about your short sale/ foreclosure. What were the circumstances?

TAMI: Our house was purchased for $147, 000. It was the perfect first time buyers' home, great to fix up and make it a nice home. But the market went upside down and the value dropped way below. I tried to rent it out, but the neighborhood turned bad, and in return no one wanted to rent it for the mortgage payment of $1,200. So essentially I would have to pay for someone to live there and destroy all our hard work that we had put into making it beautiful. So our only option was to short sell it for a grand total of $38,000.

ME: How long was the process?

TAMI: The process went very quick because the neighbor down the street had moved here from Haiti and purchased my house and the one next to me for his family members moving to the states. So needless to say it was started and finished in less than a month, once put on the market.

ME: What was the hardest moment?

TAMI: Hardest moment I would have to say was when I signed my home over and left with a free pen from the title company with no money and no house. Also a month later I drove by the house that I put my heart and soul into, and found it to be without love. I had filled the yard with beautiful gardens, and the new owners had took them all out. It took the breath out of me.

ME: What was your most triumphant moment?

TAMI: Feeling free of the concrete walls that never moved. I can say I loved that house, but after that I realized that my family members are my home, not the walls and roof that we lived in.

ME: How are you better off now?

TAMI: I wouldn’t say better off, I would say wiser, freer if that’s a word, and more importantly aware that the “American Dream” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

ME: What does your living situation look like today?

TAMI: Like a “silver bullet” as my daughter says. But really it is smaller, cheaper, mobile, cozier.

ME: What advice would you give to someone who is either worried about losing their home or is actually in foreclosure?

TAMI: The world can really throw you to the wolves sometimes, but it’s how you handle it that proves how strong you really are. Never, ever worry about material objects, as long as you have your family and everyone is healthy, then life is good, my friend!

ME: Anything else?

TAMI: I suggest to everyone: Make a bucket list, and start crossing things off before it’s too late.

Tami, thank you so much for being the first to share your story here on LITTOF STORIES. I still find it to be totally inspiring.

Readers, please let Tami know how her story has inspired you by leaving a comment below.

If you or someone you know would like to contribute your triumph-over-adversity story to LITTOF STORIES, please e-mail me: loveinthetimeofforeclosure at gmail.com

Thanks!

Steph

5 tips for renting an apartment after a short sale, bankruptcy and/or foreclosure

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 04:08:00 +0000

Finding the perfect apartment is hard enough without a short sale, bankruptcy or foreclosure in your past. With any one of those in your recent history, you become a high-risk. We had two. Short sale and bankruptcy. But we were still able to rent an apartment without forking over our first born and four months rent in advance. Here's how we did it...

First of all, rent-free living is the way to go if you can swing it. That's a big "duh" in my book. I've shared resources... the biggest being The Caretaker Gazette. So many rent-free opportunities. But in most cases you have to be willing to move or to be isolated. Like we were. We were living rent-free on a beautiful island in a wonderful, old house that used to be a bed and breakfast and was only rumored to be haunted. For four months at the end of my pregnancy, Bob commuted to San Francisco for work. A seven hour trip that included two planes, a shuttle and a train. When the baby came along and his work called him to Chicago, we followed the call. To guarantee being together. To be nearer to the grandparents. To guarantee income.

That meant we had to find an apartment. But with a short sale and a bankruptcy in our recent past, we knew we'd never pass a credit check. So how were we able to land our apartment? Here are a five tips that made all the difference in our apartment search:

1. Don't bite off more than you can pay.
Only rent what you can afford to pay cash each month. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're going to be scrambling to make ends meet. The last thing you want is to move into an apartment you can't afford and then have to move again.

2. It's not what you know, it's how many landlords you know.
A landlord who you find through a friend of a friend is going to be a lot more understanding of your situation than a random landlord you find on Craigslist. We put the word out on Facebook that we were looking for an apartment in Chicago and immediately got a response from our friend Cece. She shared a posting for an apartment in Lincoln Square in a building that was owned by a friend of hers from high school. We got in touch with him, said Cece sent us his way and he responded immediately. To our delight, the apartment was one block away from our friends Megan and Jamie in a neighborhood that we love. It seemed meant to be.

3. Make a good first impression.
Our opportunity for a first impression was via phone. It's much harder this way. Because we couldn't be there to meet Andrew in person or see the apartment, we sent my mom and Tom. If you're going to send someone on your behalf like we did, make sure they'll make a good impression. Mom and Tom were great. Of course, they're so personable. And because Mom is a realtor, she talked to Andrew from that perspective. They had such a nice time talking that Andrew took them out for gelato to the cafe on the corner.

4. Be honest.
Don't try to hide your financial hardship. It won't work, anyway. It will all come out in the credit check. Yes, I have seen those ads on Craigslist that say "No Credit Check." Those always felt a little suspicious to me. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe they're fine. But most landlords will ask for a credit check. And when Andrew mentioned the credit check, I was honest.

"We won't be able to pass a credit check," I said.

And then I explained everything. How we owned this house in L.A., how we did a huge renovation, how Bob lost his job and we couldn't sell the house and how I wrote about all of it on Love in the Time of Foreclosure. By this point, Andrew had already met Mom and Tom and liked them. He considered our mutual friend Cece "good people" and if we were friends with her, we must be too. So when I began to explain our financial situation, he listened with an open mind.

Still. I was worried. I knew that it wasn't a slam dunk. We were a risk for any landlord based on our history. I could only hope that Andrew saw our integrity through our story. Luckily I had documented our story on this blog and could send him there to read it. And he did. We talked the next day and he was ready to rent us the place without worry.

Our honesty, character references (so to speak) and Bob's income all added up to "good tenant material."

5. Write a letter to the landlord
It's not uncommon for a buyer to write a letter to accompany a bid on a house. So why not do the same when trying to rent an apartment... especially now that there is so much competition for rentals? Start with why you love the apartment. Show that you'll take care of it. As a former homeowner you know first hand "pride in ownership." Talk about that. Then share your story. Your Letter of Hardship is a good jumping off point. Don't be afraid to put it all out there. If you are good tenant material, it will show through your story. Lastly, tell the landlord what getting this apartment would mean to you.

Good luck. And just trust that no matter where you end up, you'll make it your own.

Anyone out there want to add anything? Any more tips? Anecdotes to share?
Please share in the comments below.

Pledge to Love

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 04:20:00 +0000

I'm in the midst of getting my book ready for publication, but I just had to take a break from writing the book to blog about this new report that was just published by the National Bureau for Economic Research.

The report, written by economists Janet Currie and Erdal Tekin, is titled:

Is the Foreclosure Crisis Making Us Sick?

The answer should come as no surprise to anyone who has been or is currently in foreclosure.

The answer is, yes. Yes. The foreclosure crisis is making us sick.

Currie and Tekin found that an increase in the number of foreclosures in a particular zip code correlates to an increase in the number of anxiety and suicide related hospital visits. A Time story on the study explains Currie and Tekin's findings:

"...for every increase of 100 foreclosures in a zip code, there’s a corresponding rise in health issues for people in the normally healthy age group of 20 to 49: an 8.1% increase in diabetes, 7.2% more ER visits and hospitalizations for hypertension, and 12% more visits to doctors related to anxiety. A rise in foreclosures was also associated with a 39% increase in trips to the hospital related to suicide attempts."

I get it. I do. But you know what?

It doesn't have to be this way.

I'll say it again.

It does not have to be this way.

Maybe you're in foreclosure now as you read this. You might be feeling that tightening in your chest. The stress makes it hard for you to breathe. The questions that turn like a knife in your stomach:

How will we get out of this? Where will we live? How will I provide for my family? Will we ever bounce back?

They weigh so heavily. They might be making it hard for you to get out of bed. Hard to be a normal person.

I get it. Completely.

You might be a parent to someone who is going through foreclosure. A friend. A neighbor. You're affected by it too. Especially if you're a parent. I know how hard our foreclosure was on my mom. She worried for us. So much. Wanting nothing but love, happiness and prosperity for her daughter.

You might be feeling the same way as my mom.

The most difficult aspect is the feeling that there is nothing you can do.

But, you know what? No matter how bad it is, it only feels like there's nothing you can do.

But there is something huge you can start doing now. You can take care of you. Take care of each other. Nurture yourself through this awful time. Love. Commit to rising above the hardship. Commit to turning your foreclosure story into a triumph over adversity story worthy of a Hollywood epic picture.

And this is why I invite you to take the Love in the Time of Foreclosure Pledge.

The Love in the Time of Foreclosure Pledge

I, insert your name here, pledge:

To not allow this foreclosure to get the best of me.
I will mine this financial crisis for every opportunity.
I will stay in communication with my family and friends.
I will stay in communication with the bank and my creditors.
I will learn every lesson there is to be learned from this.
I will live in the moment.
I will ask for and accept help.
I will take time every day to connect with the people in my life.
I will take time every day to do something that makes me happy.
I will empower myself to be happy without the need to spend money.
I will continue to live my life productively and responsibly.
I will acknowledge my fear and act in the face of it.
I pledge to Love. To love others, to love myself and to love my life...

...in the time of foreclosure
...in the time of hardship of any kind

This pledge made the difference for us.

We did not end up in the ER. We actually flourished as human beings. We grew closer as a married couple. We wound up living a huge adventure on a beautiful island that gave us our son. And it is all because we pledged this to each other. This pledge, that we took very seriously, got us through foreclosure and then some.

We invite you to take the pledge today.

Whether you are in foreclosure, facing foreclosure or just fearing foreclosure.

In fact, it can be applied to any kind of crisis or hardship.

We invite you to please take the pledge and declare it here in the comments below.

Making it public does make a difference. Don't keep this to yourself. I know the inclination is to hide your problems. But that doesn't work. That only makes you feel more isolated.

The more public you make your pledge, the more likely you are to keep it. Share it on your Facebook page. Share it in conversation with your friends and family. Just share it.

And please pass it along. Let's make an impact here. Let's end this cycle of foreclosure-related sickness. Let's make this a movement.

We can make a difference. For anyone feeling alone in their financial problems. Ashamed. Fearful. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please take this pledge and join us in creating your own triumph over adversity story.

Okay, I think you get where I stand.

Now it's your turn.

Declare your pledge below in the comment section. It can be as simple as this:

I, Steph Walker, pledge to love in the time of foreclosure.

Or even more simple: I pledge to love!

If you're as passionate about this as I am, please help spread this love. Send it to anyone you know who is in financial distress. Anyone who is facing hardship in their lives. Please invite them to join you in taking the pledge.

Together we can make a difference!

Amazon, here I come!

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 11:30:00 +0000

It’s official.

Love in the Time of Foreclosure is going to be published as an eBook!

What? When? Where? How? I'll get to that. I promise. But first please allow me a moment of reflection...

My first job out of college was as a subsidiary rights assistant for NTC/Contemporary Books, a non-fiction publisher in Lincolnwood, Illinois. A month after I was hired, I flew to Frankfurt for the world’s biggest book fair where I met with publishers from around the world to pitch the foreign rights to our books.

It was very exciting.

The entire publishing industry was there.

In between meetings, I would wander the aisles at the fair imagining my book on display. I imagined someone like me pitching my book to a publisher from Estonia or Norway. My writer soul was filled by the energy in that enormous hall in Frankfurt. One day, I determined, I’ll be back here as an author.

At that time, the word “blog” was non-existent. At that time, I couldn’t even conceive of imagining that I would keep an online journal sharing the personal details of my life during a financial crisis. Or that people would read it. People other than my mom. And that it would actually make a difference for these people.

And that someone would want to publish it.

But that is what’s happening.

Frankfurt, here I come! Well, not really. What’s the equivalent of Frankfurt in the digital publishing world?

Amazon, here I come!

Q&A

Does this mean that you are self-publishing?

No. I was approached by a new and exciting digital publisher called Outpost19. They are publishing the book and making it available through digital online retailers. A little about Outpost19 from their site: Outpost19 is committed to delivering provocative reading. We're a dependable source for compelling ideas.

When will the book be available?

If all goes as planned, by the end of September.

What? That's soon!

I know!

Where will the book be available?

Through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google and Kobo.

Will the book be different than the blog?

Yes and no. The book will be comprised of the blog posts that best tell our foreclosure story as well as NEW posts that I never published. There were things I wrote about but was afraid to make public at the time, mostly because I didn’t want to scare off any potential buyers. Those posts will be in the book. The book fills in the gaps in our story.

Why would we buy the book if we can just read the blog?

Great question! This was my number one concern when Outpost19 approached me about turning the blog into a book. First of all, the book is a streamlined way of reading our story. It will be all in one place without having to scroll back through archives. Also, there will be material in the book that won’t ever be on the blog. The book could make a nice gift for someone going through a similar situation. You can easily take it with you on your eReader. You don’t need an internet connection to read it. And lastly, I hope if you’ve been a loyal reader and the blog has made a difference for you that you’ll buy the book as an acknowledgement of that. And I hope you will share it.

Who do you hope will buy the book?

You! Your mom. Your barista. Your lender. Your landlord. Rahm Emmanuel. My mom. Your realtor. Tom Hanks. Your hairdresser. Tom Hanks' hairdresser. The President of Bank of America. Oprah. Anyone who has ever thought about buying a house. Eric Schneiderman. My entire family. Michelle Obama. And even just one percent of the 2.87 million homeowners who received notices of default, auction or repossession in 2010.

How did this come about?

I was approached by the publisher. Jon Roemer e-mailed me to say that he had been a fan of LITTOF and would love to work with me on publishing it as an eBook. When I spoke to him on the phone we hit it off and I knew it was the right fit.

How can I help?

I’m so glad you asked! When the book is available, you can buy a copy. You can Tweet it, Facebook it, blog about it, e-mail your friends about it, tell someone face to face old-fashioned style about it, ask your mom to buy a copy, give a copy to your BFF, put a billboard up, create a sandwich named after the book, send Amy Adams a copy, write a review on Amazon, make a chocolate bar called “Love in the Time of Foreclosure” (I’d eat that, wouldn’t you?) and share, share, share.

I've heard from so many of you that our story has made a difference for you. And I'm so glad. That's always been the point. Now I have the chance to reach even more people with the book. I thank you in advance!

Are you getting a huge advance for this that will pay off your remaining debt?
I wish! That was always the fantasy. But, no. Digital publishing is different than traditional publishing in many ways... one is that there are no advances. But I will make money if people actually buy the book. And that money will go towards paying off our debts. We still owe my mom and Tom, we owe the IRS, we owe the State of California and we owe on our student loans. I have no idea how many books I will sell. I want to sell a lot. I want to sell enough to pay off our debt. Is that realistic? My small-minded and cynical brain says, no. But I tell that brain to shut up and instead say, yes. Yes that's realistic. Why not? Anything is possible in the new world of digital publishing. Just ask Amanda Hocking.

In the meantime I work on what I can control. Writing a book that's worthy of its readers' time.

And with that, I wrap up this post. Time to write. Time to edit. Time to create!

A little country in the city

noreply@blogger.com (Love in the Time of Foreclosure) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 03:44:00 +0000

Fisherman Bob and his Salmon sidekick

When we moved to the island, I had a hard time with the extreme rural and remote conditions. I missed take-out. Driving over 45 miles per hour. And ambient light.

I missed being warm. Other people. Noise. Stores that stay open past five. And the energy of the city.

At the same time, I loved living among farms and farm stores. Chickens and eagles. Cows and sheep. Our request to "live in nature" had been answered by the universe. We'd been longing for this. Green all around. Fresh air. Surrounded by water. Simplicity. Peace. Quiet.

The room to just.... aaaaaaahhhhhh....

My Farm Life Fantasy
I had grand visions of us eating fish that we caught ourselves, raising chickens and growing our own food.

We didn't have a boat or fishing poles. Or friends with boats or fishing gear. Or the money to buy/rent anything required to catch your own fish. So that didn't happen.

Though there was a small chicken coop on the property, raising chickens also required money. And time. And a lot of clean up. And there was the matter of the two eagles that made the two evergreens next to the house their hunting perch. And the fact that I was pregnant and couldn't conceive of carrying a baby and raising chickens at the same time. So that was out.

What about the vegetable garden? Well, I blame that one on laziness on my part. In my defense, I was pregnant. And I had a lot of yard work that challenged me without the task of maintaining a vegetable garden. It would have been all on me since Bob was commuting to San Francisco for work. So... no home grown veggies.

City Mouse/Country Mouse
When we moved back to Chicago... well, it didn't take long for me to start missing the country. Am I never happy? Always wanting what I don't have?! I actually missed the quiet, the darkness, the lack of conveniences. I missed the mountains, hiking trails, farms and country lifestyle. And the people. Of course. We had finally started making friends just before we left.

My complicated relationship with the island is well-documented on both my blogs. Here and here. Loving it and hating it. Craving nature, missing the city. I am at once both the city mouse and the country mouse.

But back to the chickens, fish and garden.

Wednesday night, all three of these things came to fruition in Chicago.

In the big city.

I grilled a big ol salmon that Bob caught fresh that very morning. I served the salmon with tomatoes from our community vegetable garden. And six baby chicks arrived in our backyard.

I'll explain.

The Landlord
First... we have an amazing landlord.

His name is Andrew Gardner and he is a high school friend of our dear friend Cece Tio. And he's an amazing guy. We adore him. He's been so helpful and understanding from the very beginning.

Just like any landlord, Andrew asked for a credit check when we applied for the apartment. Well, I knew we wouldn't pass. So I told him. I explained the situation. I directed him to the blog hoping he might read it and choose to take a chance on us. And he did. And we've been so grateful ever since.

The Garden

Malcolm enjoys a fresh tomato

Andrew is living up to his last name. This garden is unbelievable. I planted a variety of cherry tomatoes, arugula, butter lettuce and rosemary. The rest is Andrew. Here's what's growing in the garden:

Tomatoes
Lettuce
Kale
Kohlrabi
Eggplant
Onions
Red Cabbage
Green Beans
Ghost Peppers
Cantelope
Cucumber
Tomatillos
Cauliflower
Corn

As if that weren't enough, every day I'm surprised to discover something else that Andrew planted that has just started to grow.

Malcolm loves eating tomatoes right out of the garden. As soon as I pick one, he opens his mouth wide and leans in for a bite. He eats them like apples.

The Chickens

Malcolm meets the baby chicks for the first time!

One day I was talking to Andrew and the subject of backyard chickens came up. I don't remember how. Andrew said something about how we should do that. We talked about how cool it would be to have fresh eggs and Andrew mentioned that the fertilizer would do wonders for the garden.

I thought it was a cool idea. But just that. An idea. Nothing more.

Then Andrew ordered a book. Backyard Chickens for Dummies... or something like that. And I thought, hmmm... maybe he's actually going to do this.

Then he started to construct the chicken coop and I thought, "Yeah. He really seems to be going through with this."

Emily, the barista and former owner of the coffee shop down the street asked me one morning, "How do you feel about Andrew having chickens in your back yard? Are you excited?" And I said something like, "Yeah. But it doesn't seem real."

Then Andrew told us that Malcolm could name one of the chicks. Of course, that meant that Bob and I were naming the chick. We turned to Facebook for suggestions. Bob came up with Terri Hatcher. My grade school friend, Nate, came up with a popular one- Yolko Ono. But it was my Aunt Marlene who suggested the winner: Chick Norris. (We then considered the variation Cluck Norris.)

But it wasn't until the baby chicks actually arrived (in a container slightly larger than a Happy Meal box) that it became real. Andrew really is raising chickens in our backyard! And they are here!

And yes. It is legal to raise chickens in your backyard in Chicago. Here's a Sun Times article on that subject: Raising chickens legal in Chicago, and people are crowing about it.

The Fish
On Wednesday Bob woke up at 2 AM, drove up to Kenosha, Wisconsin with some friends, got in a boat and caught us some dinner. A big Lake Michigan salmon. The trip was arranged by his pal John and they couldn't have ordered up a more perfect day to spend on Lake Michigan fishing. Apparently Bob had the first catch of the day and it took him twenty minutes to reel it in.

I was relieved that the fish arrived home already gutted, scaled and filleted. All I had to do was figure out how to use the charcoal grill. Yes. Figure it out. I'm not kidding. I've never done it before.

I'd seen our neighbors using the chimney to light it. So I just went online and found myself some easy to follow instructions about the chimney and how to use indirect heat on a charcoal grill. It was so easy. I don't know why I make these things out to be such a hassle.

My mom and Tom gave us some cedar planks and our landlord, Andrew gave us his dad's marinade recipe. The recipe involved brown sugar, honey, butter, soy sauce, olive oil and ginger. I normally just prepare salmon with lemon in the oven. Really simple. But I thought we'd try something new. And it was delicious.

There's truly something about catching your own dinner. Or having a husband who catches it for you. It tasted so good.

As we sat in the back yard enjoying the fish that was caught that day by Bob, tomatoes grown in our garden and listening to the baby chicks chirping away, I thought about how fortunate we are. And how funny life is. I guess this is my way of having a little country in the city. The best of both worlds.

It's so easy (if you have a landlord like Andrew.)

P.S. He prefers to be called "slumlord".