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After reviewing the post 35 Quick Ways To Find Yourself Again, I thought of one thing that I wanted to add to it. It’s not quite as quick as some items on the list, but it is a painless (and kinda fun) way to get to know yourself better.

Start a list. On the list write down things that you notice about yourself. These can range from the totally mundane to the very poignant.

To do this, simply live your life, but keep an eye on yourself. As it strikes you, write down anything that you notice about yourself.

Soon, you will have a sizable list. Review it and look for patterns and trends among the items. Ask yourself “why?” for particular items on the list.

This exercise really has no end. You can continue to add to your list as long as you want. But, by simply writing down, one item at a time, things you notice about yourself, you can begin to see a larger picture emerging of who you are and what you want.

Good luck and let me know how it goes, at any time, by leaving a comment.

Have you done anything similar to this before? How else do you gather information about yourself? Please share in the comments. Thanks!

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I bet you are generally friendly and compassionate to the people that you meet.  But, I also bet that you don’t always extend that same compassion to yourself.

You probably have a tendency to be a bit harsh with yourself when you make a mistake, fail or display a fault.  We all do.  But it’s not necessary.

If you make a mistake – go easy on yourself.  You can always fix it.
If you fail at something – go easy on yourself.  You can always try again.
If you have faults (of course you do!) – go easy on yourself.  You have strengths too.
If you are imperfect – go easy on yourself.  Everyone else is in the same boat.

When you do something wrong, remember the things you do right.  Eventually, your wrongs can become rights.  That’s how we learn.

Revel in the joy of imperfection.  Beauty is found between what things should be and what they actually are.  Nature is not perfect, and yet it is.

Remember that finding yourself takes a lot of (mis)steps.  Sometimes you stumble, or even trip, and sometimes your feet are steady.  Both make up a journey.

Go easy on yourself.  Enjoy your walk.

Have something to share?  Leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments.  Thanks!

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Your self esteem is within your control. It may seem as if other people and events make you feel a certain way about yourself, but really, your emotions belong only to you!

5 Ways to High Self Esteem

Remember Your Personal Power – When your perspective is that other people “make” you feel certain emotions, you put the power over your emotions in their hands. If they have the power to make you feel emotions, then only they have the power to manage those emotions, and you have none. This is not how you want to see things.

Even though you may have an emotion in response to a particular event, the emotion still arises from you. This is a good thing because then you have the power to feel that emotion, listen to what it has to say, and eventually send it on it’s way. You can’t do those things if you have given your personal power to another person.

Change Your Story – Our level of self esteem is often connected to certain events that we responded to in a particular way. Depending on how you responded to the situation your self esteem was either positively or negatively affected. If you can change the “story” you are telling yourself after certain events, your self esteem will not be negatively affected.

For instance – you get cut off while driving in traffic and you feel angry. You then say to yourself, “I’m always being treated rudely. People are always looking to treat me poorly.” Not only do you feel angry, but now you have created a story that says ” I’m not strong enough” or “I’m not good enough.”

But, you can change your story. So, after you get cut off and start to feel angry, you can say “That driver probably wasn’t paying very good attention. Maybe they are late for an important meeting. I remember the last time I was late for a meeting I needed to get to, I might not have been very conscientious either.” Now, instead of making yourself the center of a negative act against you, you have attributed the motivation behind the behavior to the other person, which is where it probably belongs. It’s the same event, but whether you create a negative story or a positive story depends on what you are telling yourself.

Look in the Mirror – You can view everything that happens to you as a reflection of your own life. Instead of seeing negative events as disasters, see them as messages. Ask yourself “What is this telling me about my life?” “What do I need to change?” If you can bring an objective eye to a negative situation, you can find things that you need to adjust, rather than seeing the event as confirmation that you are not good enough or that you are a bad person.

What do you love? – Start a list of things that you love, in other words a “lovelist.” There don’t have to be “things” per se on the list – there can be events, feelings, observations, activities, etc. The object is to write down what you love while you are “struck” by it. As you build your list, look through the items and see what it says about you. Are there patterns? Why do you love certain things? Connecting with what we love is energizing and makes us feel good. Don’t just make the list either – practice the items on your list regularly.

What do you fear? – When you know the things you love, you know what things you should go towards. When you know the things you fear, you also know what things you should go towards, but for a different reason. Self esteem issues seem to gather around things that we fear. Fear can negatively affect the story you are telling yourself. The story feeds your fear, not your growth. Keep an eye out for your fears and you will know where you have to be particularly careful about what story you are creating.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

What do you think? Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments.

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The moment passes before we even realize it’s here. Don’t let too many slip by you. Try these quick ways to be present and live in the moment.

1. Follow your breath.
2. Name the emotion you are experiencing right now.
3. Stop making a to-do list in your mind.
4. Play with your pets.
5. Notice the moon and what cycle it’s in.
6. Change your plans spontaneously if you feel pulled to do so.
7. Be near water.
8. Engage in physical activity for the sheer enjoyment of it. Forget your workout plan.
9. Stop thinking about what you will make for dinner tonight.
10. Name a physical sensation you are experiencing right now.
11. Walk through the woods.
12. Name something that you love.
13. Take a nap.
14. Listen.
15. Feel fear. Sit with it.
16. Do nothing.
17. Be silent.
18. Stop thinking about your weekend plans on Wednesday.
19. Sit down to eat. Don’t do anything else while eating.
20. Create something.
21. Learn something new.
22. Follow your intuition.
23. Pay attention to the change of season.
24. Notice the sunrise (if you are up that early!).
25. Notice the sunset.
26. Do chores without trying to “get them over with.”
27. Observe your pets’ behavior.
28. Don’t always try to be efficient.
29. Pick a day and don’t make any plans.
30. Enjoy being with your family and friends without expecting anything from them.

“Life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quickly you hardly catch it going.” – Tennessee Williams

What would you add to this list? What helps you live in the moment? Share your tips and thoughts in the comments.

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Getting rejected hurts.

And even after the initial sting, we wonder what it is about us that made this person reject us.

In a word:  Nothing.  Even though it doesn’t feel that way, being rejected is more about the other person than it is about you.

Just changing your perspective on rejection can help you overcome your fear of it, and help you see that getting rejected is just another part of living.

The 3 Thoughts Behind the Fear of Rejection

• I am not good enough.
• I am not lovable.
• There is something wrong with me.

These three thoughts are behind all of the distress we feel when we get rejected.  They start as one small thought and then snowball into a hundred thoughts all supporting your belief that these things are true.

Your task in overcoming your fear of rejection is to get rid of your belief in one or more of these three thoughts.  They are poison to your mind.  Don’t drink them.

Overcome the Fear of Rejection

“It’s Not Me, It’s You”: If there are things you want in life, you are going to have to risk rejection.  Don’t take it so personally – it simply means that the relationship is not a match.  The next time this happens think to yourself, “It’s not me, it’s you.”  The person doing the rejecting probably has a good reason, and it usually has nothing to do with your self worth.

There is Always “Another”: Another job, another dating partner, another friend.  If you get rejected, remember that there is always another relationship.  This wasn’t your last chance.

Remember the Times When You Rejected Someone: You are not always the rejected, sometimes you are the rejector.  Think about what it was like to reject someone else.  Did you think the person you were rejecting was a horrible person?  Probably not.  You had your own reasons that didn’t have much to do with the other person.

Consider What You Are Attracting: If you are doing a lot of rejecting, or getting rejected a lot, reconsider the things you are attracted to.  While rejection is a part of living that will happen occasionally, it shouldn’t happen constantly.  Maybe you are attracted to (or are attracting) things that aren’t right for you.  Re-evaluate what it is you really want.

Be Careful About Changing Yourself: Sometimes when we are scared of being rejected we try to be something or act a certain way so that there is less of a chance of rejection.  I don’t recommend this.  Doing things to please others can leave you feeling empty, because you are not acting from yourself.  Be who you are, and if you get rejected, just know that there is a better match for you somewhere else.

How have you overcome the fear of rejection?  Something to share?  Leave it in the comments!

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“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” – Tennessee Williams

If you want to have more friends, being likeable is essential.

Being likeable is not hard to do! It all boils down to whether or not people enjoy your company. When others find you enjoyable to be around, they want to spend more time with you. When they don’t find you enjoyable, no matter how many other talents or skills you have, they don’t want to spend as much time with you.

And the great part is, you don’t have to change who you are in order to be likeable.

6 Ways to Be More Likeable and Make Friends Easily

Like Yourself – This is the most important step and where it all starts. If you don’t really like yourself or only “kinda” like yourself, other people are going to take that as a cue for how much they should like you. People who like themselves display certain characteristics – they are (generally) relaxed, comfortable, friendly, kind and pleasant. Other people will like you as much as you like yourself, so do yourself a favor and make friends with you! Think about your particular qualities and how they allow you to uniquely contribute to the world.

Recognize the Best in Others – We meet people everyday who have a mix of qualities – some we like and some we don’t. Always focus on those qualities that bring out the best in people. If the guy who sits next to you talks incessantly, but is a really positive person who brings great energy to the people around him, focus on his positive attitude even if his talking irritates you sometimes. He’ll appreciate that you recognize his good qualities. We all want the best of ourselves to be reflected back to us. Be a mirror for people’s best qualities. (And recognize that you, too, are a combination of traits that others like and dislike.)

See Yourself As Others Do – You want to make sure that you are communicating what you think you are communicating. Many times, what is inside of us is not reflected on the outside. Do you know how other people see you? Become aware of how you appear to others, and make sure that you are the one managing the message.

Say “Yes” – When another person asks you if you would like to “help out”, “join in”, or “be a part of” say “Yes” liberally. However, in order to say “Yes”, you also have to be able to say “No.” If you have trouble saying “No” when you really don’t want to or can’t do something, saying “Yes” all the time may not be helpful. When you feel that you can say “No” if you need to, saying “Yes” automatically starts to happen more often.

Say Hello – Be sure to greet people you run into throughout the day. A greeting is a friendly acknowledgement of another person, and most people are highly appreciative of this because it makes them feel “seen.” People don’t like feeling invisible. Based on the situation, a greeting could be many things – a quick chat or even just brief eye contact. Decide what is most appropriate for your situation.

Be Fun – If you like to have fun, you probably are fun too. Fun people tend to smile and laugh a lot. You don’t have to be the one telling jokes and stories, you just have to enjoy them.

What other qualities make someone likeable? Please share your ideas and tips in the comments. Thanks.

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“If there is something to gain and nothing to lose by asking, by all means ask!” – W. Clement Stone

As competent individuals, sometimes we want to believe that we can do more than we really can.  Our level of skill or strength or talent makes us feel good, and asking for help breaks the illusion that we can do everything ourselves.

But we can’t do everything ourselves.  Every person on Earth at some time or another must ask another person to do something for them that they can’t do.  And this is OK, but often we don’t feel OK about it.

I feel like I have been asking for things for months now.  Over the past several months, I have bought a house and moved in, as well as taken on new responsibilities at work.  I feel as if I have done nothing but ask.  And, I’ve realized that when I ask, other people are very willing to help, but I’ve also notice my own internal resistance to asking as well.  I’m glad the circumstances of my life have been as they are because I’ve had to practice asking, and it’s something I needed a little work on. 

Why We Don’t Ask

We Don’t Want To Be Any “Trouble”: We are often hesitant to ask for help because we don’t want to be a “burden” on anyone.  We don’t want to “bother them” or have them “go out of their way.”  It’s not that you shouldn’t be considerate of other people when you are asking them for something, but many people are very happy to help.  And, they may be asking you for something in the future.

We “Shouldn’t” Have To Ask: If we have to ask in the first place, does this mean that we are somehow “unworthy”?  Asking for what you need can make you feel a little vulnerable, especially if you are not a “practiced asker.”  It’s easy to start thinking that if you were a “better person” you wouldn’t have to ask.  But, this just isn’t true.  Other people cannot read our minds – we have to ask for what we need.

We Are Afraid They Will Say “No”: If you ask for something and the person says “No” it means they either cannot help you or will not help you.  In either case, their answer has nothing to do with you or your self worth.  A person cannot give what they don’t have and if they are unwilling, well, maybe there is someone better to ask.

Be A Better Asker

1. Know What You Need (And Feel You Are Worthy Of Getting It) - Too many times we feel we don’t really deserve what we are asking for, and when we don’t get it, it just confirms our suspicions.  You don’t have to apologize for things that you need.
2. Ask For What You Want Directly – Be clear about what you are asking for and don’t qualify it with things like “I’m sorry to ask, but…” or “I don’t want to bother you, but…”  Just say ” Would you…” and then fill in your request.  Wait for their response.
3. Recognize This Person’s Choice – The person you ask can say “Yes” or “No” – it’s their choice.  Let them make the decision and understand that you can’t force them.  Help is better when given voluntarily anyways.
4. Have Reason To Believe That Your Needs Will Be Met – Or in other words, why wouldn’t your needs be met?  If your request is within reason, then there is reason to believe that you will find help.  If for some reason you don’t believe your needs will be met – examine this.  Why do you feel this way?
5. Show Your Appreciation -  This can be as simple as a “Thank You” and a smile, but make sure this person knows you are grateful for their help.

Are you a good “asker”?  How did you get that way?  Share your thoughts in the comments.

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“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” – Oprah Winfrey

One morning I was at yoga class and as I stood after finishing a pose, I began to feel light-headed and dizzy.  I tried to wait the feeling out, but it wouldn’t go away.  Eventually, I had to leave class to go lie down.

I was really perplexed by the bout of dizziness that I experienced because I am an active person and have been since high school.  I had never really experienced something like this before, even when completing challenging physical exercise.

When I went back to class the following week I was nervous that this might happen again.  And as I followed along with the class, I found myself focusing more and more on breathing rhythmically with the physical motions we were doing.  Of course, this is something that is taught in any yoga class, but until them I didn’t quite understand it’s importance.

As I focused on my breath and matched it to my actions, I felt a little stronger than I had before.  As my breath and actions flowed in unison, there was more power behind what I did, and even when I started to get tired my breath connected me to a source of energy that I could draw on to complete the pose.

The way that you breathe affects the way and the speed with which you are living your life.  When you feel stressed, overwhelmed and “busy” your breathing is usually shallow and quick, and only reinforces these feelings.

But when you breathe deliberately, steadily and slowly your actions slowly come into rhythm with your breath, making you feel that you have the power to do what you need to do.

Your Breath Shows You How To…

Come Back To Your Center: Breathing properly reminds you of your Center and how to act from it.  When you connect with your Center you are able to act from yourself to do what you really need to be doing.  “Busyness” goes away.

See the “Cracks”: You need to access silence to see the “cracks” well.  Breathing well slows you down so that you don’t miss seeing them.  It allows you to carry silence with you, even when things are loud on the outside.

Be Present: Your breath is the same in the past, present and the future.  Focusing on your breath now, connects you to this moment that you are in.  When you are breathing there is only Now.  Be there with it.

Connect Your Mind, Body and Soul: When you are present with your breath, you are, all at the same time, with your body (the physical movement of air into and out of your lungs), your mind (the focusing of your attention on your breath) and your soul (the part that you access as you enter your Center).  These things are not separate.

Find Your Breath When You Need It

1. Stop: If you are running around feeling stressed, for a moment, stop what you are doing.  More activity at a faster pace usually does nothing to help you feel less stressed. 
2. Sit: Sit down comfortably, preferably with your back straight and your shoulders back (so there is lots of room in your chest cavity for air to come in and out).
3. Breathe: Inhale to a count of 4, and then exhale to a count of 4.  Slowly, steadily.
4. Start Again: Now you are ready for more activity.  Repeat as necessary throughout your day.

Do you have any breathing exercises you feel are helpful?  How would you describe the way it feels when you are breathing properly?  Please share your ideas in the comments. 

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“Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” -Albert Einstein

Our actions have many motivations, but the best motivation we can have is personal desire.  When we act from personal desire we act from ourselves.

Here is an example.  Let’s say you want to be a doctor.  And you want to be a doctor because you want to help people increase their level of well being.  You believe that physical health and feeling good are the foundation for a fulfilling life.  Within this motivation there is your own desire to do something, and a desire to contribute to others in a very specific way.  In this example you are acting from your own self, from your own desire.

Let’s look at this from a different perspective.  You want to be a doctor.  And you want to be a doctor because your Grandfather was a doctor and your parents think it would be great if you followed in his footsteps.  Based on your parents’ wishes, you decide to attend medical school.  In this example, there is no personal desire to practice medicine, only the desire to influence how other people think and feel about you.  Also notice that there is no particular desire to contribute in a certain way (even though you will help people based on the fact that you practice medicine).  In this example, your actions are based on other people.

When your actions are based on others, there is no force behind them.  No power.  And, you have no control over how people think and feel about you anyway, so the approval you chase is always just out of your reach.

When your actions are based on yourself, your own desire propells you forward in a way that nothing else can.  Obstacles and temporary failure don’t upset you that much, because you know that you will find a way around them.

The Strength of Acting From Yourself

Your actions will be:

Persistent:  There aren’t any obstacles that will stop you, only those that will temporarily slow you down as you figure out a way around them.

Courageous: When you need to get past the gate of fear, courage is the key that unlocks it.  It’s difficult to be courageous consistently, but with your own desire motivating you it becomes easier to access.

Creative: When you are seeking something you desire, your creativity is in full force.  That’s because the road is not straight and wide, usually it’s twisty, full of undergrowth and probably with a few dead trees blocking the way.  You will have to be creative in getting around obstacles.

Enjoyable:  This is very important and, in many ways, makes results easier to achieve.  When you love the act of doing something without worry about the results, the results tend to come.  When the result is all you want, it seems to get farther away.

Ensure Your Actions Are Your Own

Say “I Want”: All of your actions that arise from you start with the phrase “I Want.”  To say this without guilt or shame connects you to your personal desires and makes you want to realize them.  Make a list of all the things that you want to do that would contribute to the well being of others.  Make sure they are things you would love to do.

Understand You Don’t Control Others’ Approval: Wanting approval from others is not the problem, we all do.  But sometimes you have to act in spite of it.  Usually, chasing someone’s approval is the very worst way to try and get it.  You don’t have any control over another person’s thoughts and feelings about you, so trying to please others (especially at your own expense) is mostly a fruitless activity.  Use courage to act on your wants, even when it feels like you may lose the approval of others.

Detach Yourself From the Result: And now, for the most difficult step.  Personal desires are not only enjoyable to achieve, but they are also simply enjoyable to pursue, even when they are very challenging.  There is something very fulfilling about pursuing a personal desire even if there are no guarantees that it will come true.  Discover enjoyment in the process and you can let go of the result.

How do you ensure that your actions are your own?  Share your thoughts in the comments.  Thanks!

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Sometimes our energy is high, we feel excited and everything we do is an enjoyable challenge.  This is the place where we always want to be, because it feels so good.

However, they say that what goes up must come down, and the truth is that as we cycle through high energy phases of life, we also cycle through low energy phases.  This doesn’t feel as good – our motivation is low, we may feel more reflective instead of active, and a sense of dissatisfaction with the way we are doing things enters our minds.

I notice this cycle as I write for this blog.  At times, I have plenty of things to write that I feel excited about.  This is during times when I’ve found a rhythm with my writing, and I play that rhythm out until it no longer suits me.  At other times, the rhythm seems off and I need to find a new rhythm.  But it takes a little while.

So, I’d like you to help me think about these questions:

1. What’s the best way to handle these “low energy” periods?  What do you find yourself doing during these times?
2. Should you be more accepting of your own natural energy cycles – both up and down?  Or do you try to just “push through”?
   

Please share your thoughts and ideas in the comments!  Thanks!

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