What happened to the fairytale romance you may ask. Well, it was just too good to be true!

I moved to LA for 6 months in 2011 and came back to London to do it properly, I.e. got engaged, apply for a fiancée visa and then go move to LA with my son. But it just didn’t work out that way because we were having “troubles”. What kind of troubles? Insecurities.

In hindsight I realize that my insecurities came from my powerful intuition, the feeling in your gut that screams danger but you don’t always hear it if your mind is preoccupied.

My mind was preoccupied alright, it was trying to get our family together, it was preoccupied being committed and faithful and reliable, whilst I was being lied to and cheated on for years, how many years I don’t know.

I believed so much in making it work, I believed all his words of undying love, faithfulness and all that malarkey. I did everything in my power, everything. I gave him every single molecule of me, everything. But he gave me a broken heart in return and that, in the worse possible way. I thought he was an amazing guy, I thought he was my Warrior, my Knight in shining armor, my Sir Lancelot and I was his Guinevere. But alas, even Sir Lancelot and Guinevere had a heart breaking ending, in the tales of mystic and magic there was heart break etched with every thrust of the sword.

We were the real life Romeo and Juliet, from two different worlds, two different cultures and religions and against all odds, outside pressures and challenges we were making it work. We were overcoming adversity, the most romantic tale ever told. I had taken him to meet my parents and introduced him as the man I wanted to marry, the man who was NOT a Muslim, who was not going to convert and I stood up for him, I would marry him anyway. something no other Muslim girl or guy I know has ever done. I introduced him to my Son as my other half, something I’ve never done before because I was always protecting his little heart.

We had spoken to a lawyer only last week about the best way for us to get married, only last week he confessed his undying love for me, said that our relationship was beautiful.

How will I get over this? How will I move forward with my life again? Will I ever be able to love again? Will I ever be able to trust again? Will I want to?

It’s been 6 days and here is what happened over the course of the week since I found out the truth about the lies:

Note: I have disguised his name here as BS since those are his initials – funny that.

Day 0
He’s been distant again because I went out to a company meeting and stayed out late 2 days before – something I do once in a blue moon I might add because it upsets him when I do. When I say distant, he ignored my calls and all my messages, something he’s done countless times before, after making me feel bad about something trivial.

So this time, instead of ignoring my intuition and waiting for him to tell me lies, I decided to finally snoop. I had been holding myself back from snooping for quite a while, even though my intuition has told me to do it. Guess I just wanted to trust him and I didn’t want to go down that route.

You know the saying, don’t go snooping unless you’re prepared for what you’re about to find. Well, I kind of was and wasn’t prepared, my intuition had prepared my mind but my heart was nowhere near prepared for what I was about to find out.

What did I do?
I tried to call him, he didn’t answer. I texted 2 of the girls he slept with (only days apart after he got back from being in Boston with me, taking professional engagement photos) telling them I was his girlfriend of 4 years, that we were planning to get married and I had just found out that he cheated on me in 2011 with them and wanted to find out the extent of his lies- they didn’t answer. That wasn’t enough, I needed to talk to him, hear an explanation. So I called again but this time I disguised my number so he didn’t know it was me. Guess what? He answered! I wish I said something better than “It’s me, I want to know why you’ve been cheating on me”, he hung up. Turns out that a girl he had been seeing on and off was in the car so heard everything.

He called me from the house and told me he had moved on, that we weren’t working out. The girl was in the background telling him to tell me things, this wasn’t even coming from his own mouth, he didn’t even give me the decency of a private call, he didn’t even apologise for what he did. I did not deserve this. I would never have treated anyone like that, let alone the person I loved for four years. Either this guy was a psychopath or he was just a horrible human being. Who in their right mind treats people like that? Some part of me feels like he really does love me but he’s just so messed up in the head that he messed us up. Another part of me thinks he is a horrible, lying, cheating, scumbag that hides behind the facade of a great man and warrior.

I told my son and he was devastated, for me and for him. He held me and let me cry into his shoulder then told me to go to my mums to be looked after and loved. What a wise young man he is turning out to be.

Disastrous day.

Day 1
This is the day I was really numb, I hadn’t eaten at all and already lost some weight. I didn’t want to tell anyone anything when I went to mums, so I climbed into my mums bed and just lay there and closed my eyes to try and sleep because I only had a few hours sleep the night before. My brother came in and asked what was up and I burst into tears.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, even he thought BS was amazing. He just sat there and listened to me, and went and got me chocolates to make me feel a bit better. When he was gone I sobbed my eyes out!

I felt thankful for my beautiful family- we had come so far. Where I couldn’t be myself with them before I met BS due to the pressures from my cultural community, I could now be open and not be judged, I could cry into my mums shoulder and tell her that my heart was broken even though I wasn’t married and she still loved and comforted me. That’s the gift I take away from this dreadful experience.

I forwarded him 2 emails, one with pictures from our engagement photo-shoot and one with a beautiful poem he wrote me- just asking for the truth. How long had he been cheating? And with how many girls? He isn’t a great man, he never was, it was all lies.

No answer.

Horrible day.

Day 2
I couldn’t go into work on the Monday because I just hadn’t slept again or eaten properly- I was dizzy every time I stood up. I cried on and off but I reminded myself I was angry, about all the lies and betrayal. He didn’t deserve me, I was too good for him, he deserved scum because he was scum.

Bad day.

Day 3
I managed to drag myself into work- I couldn’t concentrate at all but I tried. I went out for coffees and fresh air.

I didn’t cry.

Good day.

Day 4
I went out with my lovely girlfriends who lent me their shoulders and ears, they were absolutely amazing. I hadn’t cried all day but after seeing them I burst into tears. They told me how stunningly beautiful I am inside and out and that I deserve so much better than what I got. They knew how much I gave to the relationship and were so shocked by his behaviour, you see, he fooled them too. He won them over even though they had their doubts, they couldn’t believe he had treated me this way.

They made me laugh most of the evening, it was nice to forget for short moments that my heart was shattered. Until of course we started walking to the station, and I remembered our beautiful moment in January 2013 when we went to Santa Ynez inn and lay in front of the fire, had an amazing time, danced to Shania Twains “Still the one” and confessed our undying love for each other, how we were going to play it at our wedding. How we finally made it. I burst into tears in the middle of the street, because I did everything for him, I gave him my entire being, every molecule, I dropped everything for him whenever he needed me, why did he hurt me this way?

Good / Bad day.

Day 5
He’s been haunting my dreams again, he has been for the last few nights. I kept dreaming of his arms around me, making me feel loved. I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. I could hardly focus at work but I had the girls being really great and I was feeling better.

I kept reminding myself of the gifts from this heartache, I kept reminding myself that I went through so much worse in the past and came out on top, I could do it again and be far more successful and happy than I could be if I was still with him.

I focussed my energy on thinking of things I always wanted to do but put on hold until BS and I finally started living together as a family. Thinking of all the things I could do to make me happy.

Good day.

Day 6
Tonight was our girls night out – all the girls (mainly single) from work going out to have a laugh. We ate dinner and went to Rum Kitchen, We danced and we laughed. I got talking to a cute guy (friend of a friends), had interesting conversation and then left.

I had fun.

Good day.

Maybe it’s just because I’m wondering if I’d ever be able to live a life of a married woman. None of my relationships have even reached 3 years, my first marriage broke down in a year, but we wont count that one as I was young and foolish. I haven’t even lived with anyone else but my son in over 10 years, I like my space, I like my freedom.

What will happen if I end up living with this guy when I get over to LA full time?

A million things are going through my head right now, when what I’ve been wanting is within my grasp I can almost touch it, I’m now thinking is it really what I want?

What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of losing my freedom? or am I afraid of losing myself, losing control, for a moment of happiness?

We have been talking about marriage a lot lately, both of us are ready to settle down and we love each other but I want to do it properly, I want to be courted, I don’t believe in living together before marriage, I’m an old romantic. My perfect scenario would be to move over there, have my own place, live and learn about my surroundings on my own, make new friends, have fun in a new country, be courted by the one I love, be proposed to then get married and move in.

But that’s my ideal scenario, and nothing works out the way people plan, I should know, I’m a Project Manager. Maybe that’s it, I am so used to being in control that I’m afraid of things not going the way ‘I’ planned.

I’ve been afraid more recently of losing control because we have even talked about eloping, more as a joke than anything. But imagine if I went over there for thanksgiving and came back a married woman… I’d always wondered what it’d be like if Elvis married me and my other half. Now that’s a possibility that will not fit into my plans, or would it?

Uhhuh

I imagine being asked to share my life with someone in a special way, a memorable way, a creative unique way, something only I would experience. I’d want to be asked where we first kissed during a beautiful sunset, but I’d want to be surprised.

I don’t usually do this, dream of a ring and being asked. But when I got talking to a friend of mine who was helping her mate plan how he’d pop the question and he’d gone to Hatton Gardens to buy the ring she chose, it got me thinking. What ring would I want to wear for the rest of my life?

This one is could be the one http://uk.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?GroupSKU=GRP10015#f+0/0/0/0/0/0

Or this one http://uk.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?GroupSKU=GRP10003#f+0/0/0/0/0/0

Or even this one http://uk.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?GroupSKU=GRP10008#f+8/0/0/0/0/0

I’d really have to try them on to know. All priced under £8,000 (cheaper in dollars), they aren’t Tiffany & Co’s most expensive engagement rings, but either one would definitely get a yes from me. And I’m not a material girl. Although I’d probably be too afraid to wear the ring outside and would seriously think about getting a cheap duplicate made for everyday wear.

So what would your perfect scenario and ring be? Do you dare dream of it?

Would it be mad if I booked my ticket, got last minute leave from work, sorted babysitter and gone to LA to be with him on his birthday?

Maybe a bit too spontaneous but let me check how much a last minute ticket would cost… £459 and I could be there by 6.45pm tomorrow. Hmmmm… just in time for his night out. It’s not much in the name of love.

By 5pm, my babysitter was sorted, my leave booked and my ticket purchased. I was going to LA in less than 24 hours and I still had loads to do, pack, shave, and sort the little one out… SHAVE! Handover work, make sure I’d packed my best lingerie and shave EVERYWHERE!

This time I packed light as I was only going for 4 days… I’m so excited to see him! I haven’t seen him in over 2 months; BBM sex was nice enough but nothing like the real thing. It feels like I’m a virgin again!

I packed, checked I had everything, had my passport, shaved everywhere but my legs as I’d run out of time. I’d have to remedy that on the plane I think. Got to the airport on time, no drama this time and boarded the plane and got knocked out as soon as my head hit the head rest.

I dreamt of walking along the beach, holding his hand and watching the sunset near our sacred place, the lifeguard tower. He whispered in my ear “I love you” and something else I couldn’t quite make out, something about landing, “Landing baby? What’s landing?”

I jolted up, woken up by the Pilots’ announcement; we were on schedule and due to land soon and hoped we had a pleasant journey. SHIT, we were landing in an hour and I hadn’t shaved my legs and wouldn’t have time to go to his and do it. So I got up, grabbed my toiletry bag and headed for the toilets.

Only there was a long queue, of people needing the loo. Of course there was because everyone left it till the last minute to empty their bladders, either because they wanted to watch the end of that movie or they were too polite and didn’t want to wake the stranger sleeping next to them, I fit into the latter category.

Willing for everyone to hurry up before we started to descend, I counted each of them down. Slowly, 11 became 10, 10 became 9… number 7 took at least 5 minutes, number 5 was a large woman, took some work for her to close the door behind her, oh good god hope she manages to hurry up. 4 and 3 were mother and child so went in one loo together. Number 1 was a sweet elderly lady I got chatting to about my big romantic story… she left me imagining how I’d be in his arms again very soon. “Excuse me…” oh, it was my turn next.

I realised I had to hurry as the queue was still long and there were only 3 toilets. I quickly freshened up, put on some makeup then I got out my razor and shaving foam, put the toilet seat down, sat down and started shaving, being careful not to cut myself. The seatbelt sign came on, damn I had only done one leg, I frantically shaved the other one, getting shaving foam everywhere, wiped myself down (and the cupboard I got dirty) and went back to my seat.

The flight landed as scheduled, 6.45pm on the dot. OMG I was so excited to see him again, this is the most spontaneous romantic thing I’ve ever done and it felt amazing! So what it cost me nearly half a grand? It was cheaper than in the summer, cheaper than a whole month of going out, AND I really needed this.

He was waiting for me at the same spot he did the last time he picked me up, with a rose. Where did he find time to do that? Oh god I love him!

He had a huge grin on his face, I ran up to him and threw myself on him, he lifted me up and kissed me so hard. “Honey, it’s so great to see you! You’re CRAZY for doing this, I love you so much.”

And with that we went to his party.

Well… That’s how I imagined it would be if I actually did act on my impulse. But the truth is, when we talked about it, it wasn’t practical to spend so much cash on 4 days of actually being there, he had work, he had his packed weekend, and we wouldn’t have had any quality time together. So, I went out to celebrate his 30^th without him in London. Hopefully I’ll see him soon though.

Just arrive unplanned, spend his birthday weekend with him, spend a few extra days in his arms and come home…

So I’m off to return them, damn, really wanted those shoes too :o(

1. I have strict budgets
2. I like to keep everyone happy as well as myself, having friends all over the shop doesn’t help, if I go to the States, I HAVE to see as many of them as possible (LA, NYC etc), and if I go to Oz then I may as well see my friends in Brisbane, Mackay, Melbourne and Sydney. If I go to the middle east or Asia and dont see my family, then I’d be in trouble and if I go to the far east, I may as well see my friends in China.
3. I try and make the most of any time I have when I have a babysitter whilst I’m travelling, by squeezing in as much as possible for as little as possible
4. I need to make the most of the time I have off work

If you’ve tried to plan a trip with me then you know exactly how hard it is to book anything with me, remember the Spain trip that never happened last year because of budgets?

Oh and the New York trip wasn’t planned very smoothly, although I did get to do NYC AND LA in 6 days, for £564 (flights and accommodation), it was exhausting. Not to mention the drama with my passport, it had expired and I realised only 2 days before I had to fly out. I know I didn’t tell any of you this, I got my passport done the day before I flew out, and managed to get the visa sorted on the same day (even though this should have been done a week before departure).

I sat down to apply for my Visa at 5.30pm 2 days before my flight was due to depart, I took out my passport to add the passport number to the online Visa Waiver form. When I got to typing the expiry date, to my horror it had already expired a month ago. “FUCK” I screamed, I was slowly getting hotter and hotter, sweating nervously I called the passport office at 5.50pm to figure out my options, they said I had to do it the following day and the only available appointment was 7 am.

I had to be at a trade show held at Earls Court for work from 9, and the Passport office was at Victoria, so that can be done I thought. I asked if I could complete the application form there, they said I had to have it ready for my appointment. Could I download it? No! I had to either get it from the Passport office or a post office. The Post office was closing in 5 mins and there was no way I was going to get there in time. But the Passport office was open until 7 pm, I thought for a minute, there is no way I can do it on the day I fly, as we have to check in by 1.30 and I’d have to wait 4 hours for the passport, I couldn’t risk it, it would be cutting it too fine. I quickly checked how long it’d take me to get to the office on the TFL website, it said 45mins door to door. Oh shit, I needed pictures… I hoped there was a machine somewhere!

I got there 5 mins before the office was due to close. Talk about cutting it fine!

I saw a Photo machine as I walked to the office, so after I got my form, I took my pictures at the station. Luckily I had SOME make-up on, if I had any time at all, I would have caked my face with the stuff for a picture I have to live with for 10 bloody years. Looking at the pictures on the screen, I retook it 3 times and had to go for the last one, because that was my last try. Oh well, it’d have to do!

And that’s not all, oh no!

I made it to the airport on time (PHEW), but I had to wait for my friend… Trish. Who was always late for everything. We only JUST checked in on time, check-in was about to close. We had to change some money, and we lost track of time whilst deciding how much to change due to the exchange rate being so rubbish ($1.28 to a pound!). We realised we had less than 5 minutes to get to our gate!

We had to queue for security, getting our bags and shoes through the X-ray machine seemed to take forever, I grabbed my things as soon as they got through. I looked at my phone and we had already lost 3 minutes. Oh no, I don’t want to miss my flight! Once Trish had her things, I quickly scanned the screen for our gate number and ran as fast as I could towards Gate 28, which is at least 15 minutes walk from security I might add. We had to get through another passport check before getting to the actual gate, and they were waiting for us! I looked back and Trish was walking to the gate, WALKING! Patience, you’ve made it now, I kept telling myself only with Trish I chuckled. I’m just glad we weren’t the only ones, and we didn’t actually delay the flight. That was the first time I came close.

When we got on the plane, we realised they gave us seperate seats, so I moved closer to Trish after the plane took off. There was an empty seat next to a Rabbi behind Trish, so I took it. Half way through watching He’s just not that into you, the Rabbi moved, I think it might have been one of the many raunchy scenes that pissed him off, oops. But now there was an empty seat next to me for Trish…

That trip did have a happy ending, I ended up having my unexpected romance in LA, all that drama was worth it in the end

The most recent drama is due to this revisit to LA,

If I come to LA with the lil one, I won’t have anyone to babysit for me which will mean we wont have much time alone, so I’ve decided not to bring him and take him somewhere else for a proper quality family holiday after I get back.

The problem is I will only be able to come to LA for a week, because I have to take some time off for the second holiday with him, which will probably only leave me with a few days for the rest of the year.

It’s either that, or we stick to the original plan and we don’t get much alone time…

I emailed Mr America, and naturally he was OK with that. He is a man after all, not that I’m planning to give in to temptation or anything, but he can try an make me

It’s the story of my life, full of dramas, lets just hope it has a happy ending.

Come back soon to find out…

I’ve had my BlackBerry Pearl for over a year, and I didn’t appreciate it half as much as I do now. I got to realise how convenient it was on my recent trip to the States.

My friends there all have it for business and so I got to find out about the BlackBerry Messenger (BBM) and all its glory just over a month ago. I have a really close friend there (Jade) who I met through mutual friends on a trip there 3 years ago, we have always kept in touch via email, cards and calls. We meet up in different countries and visit each other as much as we can afford to. But with the recent global economical crisis, our chats became less frequent and it always bugged us that we couldn’t be in touch more often.

But now I have the full BlackBerry service on my phone for only £5 a month, I can chat to her everyday for no extra costs. The coolest thing is that I can send pictures and voice notes through BBM too. We may not chat every day but I can text her whenever I think of her, or want to share something without worrying about the final bill. You can even download other messenger apps too, if you don’t have many friends/associates that have a BlackBerry.

There is also another reason why I love it so much…

On my recent holiday, I met a handsome American, we clicked straight away and I can still remember our first kiss like it happened a moment ago. We had gone to dinner with Jades friends and I met him for the first time, we all ended up going to the beach at night and were goofing around by the sea, then we were left alone and that’s when it happened.

We were perched on the lifeguard tower sipping our drinks we got from the house, I was admiring the beautiful night, the clear sky and the stars twinkling brightly, he showed me his hand, as an invitation to hold it… it felt natural to take it so I did. We looked at each other; I felt really shy but looked into his eyes. We smiled at each other and watched each others lips; he moved his mouth closer to mine slowly and hesitated for a few seconds, waiting for me to respond. I moved closer, it seemed to take ages until our lips touched for the first time. My lips tingled with excitement as they pressed against his, it was a slow and sensual kiss, and I could hear the sound of the waves crashing in as we locked our lips together. It was something I had always dreamed of, no, it was more than what I dreamed of, you couldn’t create a first kiss like that if you tried to write a script for a movie.

We spent as much time together in the following 2 days as we could, before I had to leave. But the cynic in me thought maybe it was just a holiday romance and I’d never hear from him again after I got back to England. That side of me is yet to be proven right as we chat on BBM all the time. We’re getting to know each other every day, we share our thoughts, our dreams, our aspirations, we send pictures when we’re out so the other person is part of the experience; we share everything on there. The time difference is a minor detail now, I wake up to his messages and he wakes up to mine. Long distance relationships are hard at the best of times especially when neither person has the physical presence of the other, but BBM has made it easier for us to get to know one another. I feel like I’ve known him a lot longer than a month and I have fallen in love on BBM. Would that have been possible without it?

I’m sure it’d be a lot harder, it would have taken longer for us to get to know each other, having to schedule a time to go on MSN or SKYPE it would have required a lot more effort which adds more pressure on the relationship. It’s not that we don’t use those tools, we do but only when we’re online at the same time. It probably wouldn’t have lasted this long without BBM.

Who knows what will happen next and if this will turn out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had, or if it will last another month. At least I can say I fell in love again and not by traditional means, not by face to face contact, Snail Mail, emails or phone. I fell in love on BlackBerry Messenger.

I love BlackBerry.

There are some down sides:

• You may find that you can’t be separated from your phone or put it down
• You may become dependent on BBM and try and convince everyone you know to buy a BlackBerry
• If you have RSI, then all the texting may make it worse
• BBM sometimes doesn’t deliver the messages in the order that you send them, so you may receive a message that was sent hours ago only to confuse your current conversation
• There aren’t enough emoticons to describe your emotions