Little Frigging In The Wold

An Early Morning Exposure

2013-05-25T11:55:00.001+01:00

Now, as any upstanding gentleman will no-doubt attest, getting one's hand on a nice firm pair of baps still warm from the cake shop manageress's ministrations is one of the delights of an early morning amble through Little Frigging's main street.

However, it is not the only reason to get one's self up and at full attention first thing in the morning. As you are no doubt aware, Little Frigging's own organ of record: The Little Frigging Daily Gleaner is published fresh every day, filled to the point of almost copious overflowing with the various doings, goings-on and shenanigans of the denizens of this fine village.

Therefore, there is always a bit of a rush first thing in the morning, once everyone has had a chance to get their hands on the cake shop manageress's baps, for us all to hie ourselves to the newsagent's ready to get the Gleaner's outpourings into our eager hands.

Usually, the Gleaner's editor: Foaming Lickspittle, has had his bevy of reporters: Sherry Ventilator – the sports correspondent - and Titty Exposure – news reporter - bent over their desks well into the late afternoon, until they produce something that will make every purchaser of the aforesaid organ stand up straight in wonder and admiration at what those two young lady reporters have revealed in their full and frank exposures.

To – what remains of – my mind there is no better way to start the day that a full appraisal of what those two young ladies have exposed in those pages and I'm sure that most denizens of this fair village feel themselves of much the same opinion.

So, make sure you get your hands on it first thing every morning.

Inter-Village Orgy Warm-Ups

2013-05-19T12:43:00.001+01:00

Both teams came out on the pitch, ten minutes before the referee was blown for kick-off, for the all-important warm-up exercises. It was during this period that we were able to size up the opposition, Titten Growper especially their new central rear forward: Anne Ticipation, who impressed our touchline staff with the way shy could wrap her ankle around the back of her neck whilst standing next to Old Feebletrousers as he made the necessary adjustments to his tackle to make himself ready to run – or, in his case, stagger – the touchline.

However, once our star player, Strom Thighhammer took the to the pitch, to the cheers of the Little Frigging Ladies Supports club, many of them dropping a stitch or two in their knitting as they caught sight of him standing erect in the centre circle, the Titten Growper newcomer was seemingly overcome by a desire to get to grips with him in the scrum as soon as possible.

She did not have long to wait, for as soon as the referee tossed the sex aids into the centre circle the Titten Growper central rear forward made a grab for Strom as he prepared to receive in the opposition penalty box with the Titten Growper chicken already on the verge of becoming bewildered.

The Titten Growper rear fondlers, though, were already bearing down on Strom when Anne Ticipation thrust herself forward and managed to get a firm grip on Strom's tackle as he was about to take one of the defenders over the line for the first orgasm of the first quarter of the second half of the initial period.

The referee was blown for a foul and the new Titten Growper player was red carded, forcing her to leave the field shame-faced for an early bath, quickly followed by Old Feebletrousers as he struggled to pull his loofer from his shorts.

Nips in the Air

2013-03-17T12:15:00.001Z

As the winter weather continues its icy grip on the neither regions of the villagers of Little Frigging in the Wold, many of the ladies of the village feel in need of a pointer. However, due to the aforesaid cold snap, they have been rather disappointed to discover that the gentlemen of the village do not quite stand so proud during the icy periods. Consequently, despite the expert ministrations of the village ladies, they find that the menfolk do not always rise to the occasion with the necessary alacrity, even if the woman is wearing her finest woollen erotic-arousal mittens and bobble hat – usually a sight that has the most recalcitrant of men taking a firm stand, if not taking himself in hand.

However, due to the cost of heating, the caretaker of the Little Frigging village hall has had to reduce the temperature of the heating, even on all-village orgy nights. Consequently, we on the village hall steering committee humbly suggest that all orgy-goers who feel a nip in the air should seriously consider investing – as it were – in Splodge and Sons extensive collection of fetish thermal underwear for such nights and – we are pleased to announce – that we have negotiated a substantial bulk discount with the aforesaid purveyors of fine and bespoke erotic gear for all fully-upstanding members of the village hall weekend orgy club.

So, please avail yourselves of this opportunity as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Ancient Rites

2013-03-10T10:10:00.001Z

In England’s rural areas, you can still trace elements of the ancient religions that existed long before the invention of the more recent variations on god-irritating, and some may even date back to beyond the invention of black and white television. The stories of these ancient religions featuring such archetypal characters as the wizard and his staff, the magician waving his wand, the witch and her familiar pussy, as well as gatherings around the weird woman’s steaming hot cauldron are all aspects of those ancient religions and rites, twisted through constant retellings and reinterpretations.

For example, the wizard would often get out his staff in order to help young virgins overcome their affliction and he would use his staff to assist them in the rites of passage that would turn them into women. Similarly, the wise women of the village would gather all the young men around them to stroke their familiar pussies and to learn the dark secrets of the women’s steaming cauldrons.

Not until the young men and women of the village had gone through these rites could they regard themselves as full adults, able to join with the rest of the village in those rites that still enable the denizens of England’s villages to all come together in their local village halls right up to this very day (Weather permitting).

Coming in Aid

2013-02-24T12:00:00.000Z

Many of the ladies of Little Frigging have been very keen - of late – to join a course, run by our very own volunteer fireman Strom Thighhammer, in the village hall. The course, of course, is a First Aid course, enabling the women to come to the assistance of any gentleman – or lady, for that matter – who has been overcome by events, especially in the weekly village orgy, or suffered a similar fate on the Inter-Village Orgy pitch. The ladies are all very keen to take part, I’m told, because Strom very bravely puts himself out for the ladies to practice on, as he gives them expert tuition in how to perform the kiss of life on any flagging gentleman the ladies happen to come across.

Such has been the success of the course, that it has been many months since any gentleman has had to retire from the weekly village orgy due to becoming overcome. However, there have been some reports than the gentlemen players in the Little Frigging Inter-Village orgy team have taken to requesting a precautionary kiss of life from the lady spectators at the pitch side when ever they feel they are flagging and doubt if they will be able to keep it up for the rest of the match. Although there is no rule expressly forbidding a spectator from helping to revive an injured player, some feel that this course of action does tend to go against the spirit of the game and have requested that the League Association come up with a ruling, which I’m sure those of us on the relevant committee will rule upon when all interested parties have submitted their ~~plain brown envelopes~~… evidence.

Reputable and Disreputable Cake Shops – A Guide

2013-02-17T12:07:00.000Z

Any reputable (and a good many disreputable) village cake shop manageress will of course do her utmost to make sure that any gentleman customer’s cream horn is as still, firm and cream-filled as possible. She will also make sure that any lady customers reach full satiation through whatever means at her disposal, up to and including making sure their turnovers are full of fresh cream before they leave the premises.

For those who enjoy a sandwich, the village cake shop will normally employ a number of assistants who will make sure that any customer can enjoying a sumptuous filling of their choice right there on the café table-top as well as making sure their baps are hot and fresh. For any ladies in dire need of a French stick or a baguette, there are undoubtedly men in any village always eager to trust themselves forward for the delectation of the ladies especially those in need of plenty of meat in their lunch break, when it is well-known - most women need and desire a good solid meaty filling if they are going to be able to give full satisfaction at work later that day. For, if she has spent a long lingering lunch hour filling herself with plenty of hot pork, especially a hot sausage roll, such full satiation enables a lady to truly fulfil her potential in the workplace environment during the long afternoon hours to come.

Sex Spatula Precautions

2013-02-16T13:34:00.001Z

Of course, it is always advisable to make sure the reversing lights on your bespoke sex spatulas are not illuminated when approaching – say – an assistant librarian from the rear during the most intense quarter of a village hall weekly orgy, unless you sustain any damage to your sex spatulas. Sex spatulas, by their very nature, can be very delicate instruments and can be knocked out of true by any untoward activity that places unusual stresses upon them, such as the use of an unripe watermelon, or too rapid approach towards the poised politician for a Pineapple Inquiry.

There is also the danger that too rough a handling of your sex spatulas could accidentally knock the switch that converts them to metric from Imperial and as anyone who has been on the receiving end of a pair of metric sex spatulas when they were poised to receive the Imperial ones knows what a shock to the system it can be. Old Feebletrousers himself claims that it was such an experience that led to his fear of getting too close to the Strap-on Sisters, due to the time when he was approached by a scullery maid during the inter-war years wielding what he thought were a pair of old-fashioned six-inch sex spatulas which later turned out to be a pair of metric 12 cm spatulas captured from the German trenches during WWI. An experience I’m sure many of you would not like to see repeated during any modern day run-of-the-mill village hall orgy.

Ungentlemanly Conduct in the Penalty Grope

2013-02-10T12:00:00.001Z

Even if I hadn’t quite got the hang of it in the manner which she’d – so obviously – hoped, I feel there was little call for what she did next, calling for the umpire to have me sent off the field for ungentlemanly conduct in the penalty grope. However, I still had the leek, so in the post match replays it was her conduct that came under the closet scrutiny, especially the skin-tight fetish gear she was wearing made it clear that any surreptitious moves she alleged I’d made with the leek were quite plainly false.

After all, it was she who claimed to have bewildered the chicken, leading to that very unfair advantage Little Piddling had as the referee was blown for the end of the 7^th quarter of the third half.

Still, it only goes to show just what can be achieved by a full half-flanker out on the wings of the orgy pitch, especially if they have the sun behind them, as both teams prepare for a full-on touch-up and prepare the basting spatulas for a complete oiling of their side’s scrum half-centre backs.

Although, I think the front of the half-centres should also be oiled as it makes the scrum a much more tactical part of the game as both sides struggle to maintain a hold on each other’s tactical positioning, while each team tries to score at least one multiple orgasm before the chicken is far too bewildered to continue and the referee and both umpires agree to stop the game because of poor light interfering with their ability to read the bribery offers from each team's support staff.

On the Importance of a Good Breakfast

2013-02-09T14:47:00.000Z

It has been scientifically proven – of course, through ground-breaking research at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser-Quandary Farm) - that a lady who breakfasts on a copious serving of hot man-porridge before setting out on her peregrinations is far better prepared for the tribulations of the day than one who breakfast on one of those cereals that tastes indistinguishable from the box it came in. Furthermore, many of the ladies of Little Frigging swear that they find it hard to face the day without first getting their fill of a good length of hot sausage.

In addition, a man who takes the time to enjoy a lady-friend’s fresh hot baps and an early-morning taste of her honey feels much more capable of taking himself in hand to face the slings and arrows of the outrageous morn. For there is not a more stimulating sight in the dawn’s early light to pull back the sheets to find one’s good woman has a hot breakfast there, ready and waiting for you to go down to it.

Therefore, if you wish to be a perverteer or erotician of good standing ready to stride manfully and/or womanfully out to greet the day resplendent in your fetish wellies and be-sequined orgy cape, fully prepared to face the tribulations of this world, then such a good solid breakfast is bound to stand you in good stead for whatever – and, indeed, whoever - is to come.

On Literary Pursuits and Human Bondage

2013-02-03T12:06:00.001Z

With the current fashion amongst the ladies of Little Frigging to seek further edification through literary pursuits: the Little Frigging Very Naughty Book Group has seen a surge in membership since the ladies discovered the delights of the e-reader. They have – like seemingly – the rest of the population of this once-great country been avidly reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and thus have taken an interest in some of the situations set forth in those erstwhile tomes.

Consequently, the Little Frigging ladies sought out a gentleman with an interest in the erotic arts involving bondage and invited this country’s leading expert on the subject, Guy Rope, to give them a lecture and hands-on demonstration of the various techniques.

Apparently, the evening was a great success and Guy Rope gave the ladies of both the Little Frigging Very Naughty Book Group and the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting Circle, who – of course – have an interest in this field, a hands-on demonstration of his prowess in this exacting field.

The ladies themselves were very interested in getting their hands on his long shank and many found themselves overwhelmed to get his monkey’s head firmly in their grasp.

The Little Frigging Knitting Circle who often find themselves entangled in various strengths of yarn were delighted by Guy Rope’s insistence that they move beyond the relative simplicity of just pearling one off into the greater depths of erotic possibility offered by the highwayman’s hitch and the best way to pull it off.

All in all then, a great evening of educational erudition for all the ladies there present that evening, and I'm sure that the rest of us in the village will be spending many an evening wrapped up in this latest field of interest undertaken by these ladies.

Inter-Village Orgies for the Newcomer

2012-08-07T14:00:00.001+01:00

For some new to the sport the tactical ebb and flow of a Inter-Village Orgy match can sometimes be bewildering, especially at the speeds the game is played at the higher levels.

Sometimes, it takes many matches, possibly even a season or more for a spectator to fully appreciate why the chicken is suddenly bewildered, or why the umpire gets blown for what seems like a perfectly legal underarm free-fondle in the opposition’s lower half.

The newcomer (please bring your own tissues) to watching an Inter-Village competitive orgy, especially in the Premiership (Sponsored by Splodge & Sons - Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789)) can often be confused by the use of the punt from the rear, especially when the first quarter of the second third of the first half is in injury time, perhaps due to an outbreak of itchy knee due to overuse of the flankers down the wings (this is one of the main reasons for the chicken to become bewildered as it didn’t know that its possible to do that with its wings).

However, after coming the first few times, most neophyte spectators always seem to come again and again for there is nothing quite as invigorating as seeing a champion scorer, such as our own Strom Thighhammer giving his all to the opposition’s defenders as he takes them by surprise from the rear to score a multiple orgasm in the dying seconds of the final quarter of the third half to propel his team to victory, leaving the opposition exhausted and often just as bewildered as the chicken.

Getting it out in the Open

2012-08-02T13:55:00.001+01:00

Often, it is said that to become an expert, or even merely adept, a man must become familiar with his tool. Many men take this advice to heart and will practice assiduously with their tool at every available opportunity.

This is, of course, all well and good, as research has shown that practice makes perfect, or, at least, more acceptable levels of failure.

However, no matter how much a man practices alone, unless he is a collector of mint-condition popular culture memorabilia, he will one day want to take his tool out into the world and try it out under real world conditions, out in the field – as it were.

A field is - of course - a good place to start. A field is a good place to get the feel of things out in the open, providing the field, that is, is one not overly inhabited by domesticated livestock, who often leave a great deal of evidence of their passing and make rather a critical-seeming audience for those first fumbling attempts to get it out into the open.

At this point, and if it is not proudly at point then a little bit more solitary practice at home may be called for, it is wise to have some lady of experience: a cake shop manageress, post mistress, assistant librarian, or even a brace of dairymaids can all be recommended for these first few fumbling attempts as they all have a great deal of experience of assisting a man in becoming adept at his tool handling and the other necessary skills that denote full maturity in this – or indeed any other – field.

Crowd Saucing

2012-04-19T15:30:00.000+01:00

Of course, for an entire village hall orgy, it is probably best to obtain catering-sized containers of sauce, if the current mass perversion – such as the Bacon Bap Layering or the Hot Sausage Insertion is contemplated. This is especially the case at competitive synchronised orgiastic levels, say as a summer fete display by the village synchronised orgiastic display team. Although, in such situations it is wise to use caution in the amount of sauce used, especially in places where the synchronised orgiastic display team are about to disport their pogo-sticks.

It should also be remembered that there is the danger of colour-clash especially where red leather or red rubber fetish gear is used alongside that otherwise excellent form of crowd saucing – tomato ketchup.

Care should also be taken - some of us feel - in the use of brown sauce for certain perversion, erotic acts and even some sandwiches on the half-time buffet table. As for sweet pickle, there is a time and a place for that, usually involving a brace of dairymaids and an egg whisk – however that is beyond the scope of this article.

Obviously, many ladies at a crowded village orgy will be more than familiar with the many white sauces on offer and a gentleman would be advised to remember that for some ladies a small dollop is much batter than a copious flood, especially when she has a number of partners waiting for the next lady’s-excuse-me.

Little Frigging Riding Stables

2012-04-17T15:30:00.001+01:00

Many of the ladies of Little Frigging spend a lot of their free time over at the Little Frigging riding stables, owned and run by our very own champion rider, Jenny Moist-Gusset. As with most rural women, the ladies of Little Frigging enjoy getting back in the saddle for a good ride, preferably one with a fair amount of jumps that have them bouncing up and down on their saddle in a most invigorating way and one which us students fascinated by the human body in motion and the way gravity affects the bouncy bits find hypnotically fascinating. I – for one (usually a quick one while the wife, Maureen, is out polishing the volunteer firemen’s helmets) - love to study slow-motion film of a lady in the midst of a satisfying ride as her wobbly bits ebb and flow like a sea meeting a shoreline.

Anyway, for persons of a different cast of mind, Jenny Moist-Gusset offers a way to become more understanding of the equine mindset, in order to bring a certain amount of empathy to the human/horse relationship by offering the chance for those people to become ponygirls or ponyboys, offering both paddock and stable based experiences of an intensity guaranteed to bring a sheen to their fetlocks. So, if you have ever fancied getting the bit between your teeth and enjoy the idea of a good ride out in the Great British countryside, you know where, and when, to come.

Atop the Peak

2012-04-12T15:14:00.000+01:00

When a man and/or woman stands atop the peak of Greater Frigging Tormounthillbank and looks about in the dawn’s early light, it is possible to see the village of Little Frigging and its environs spread out all around below.

For example, getting abreast of the peak in these early mornings, it is possible to see the University of Little Frigging as the cows are taken from the shed to graze in the fields while the eager students (if that is not an oxymoron) are herded in through the other door as the lab assistants in their white coats and wellies hurriedly mop up the leavings of the cows, which are often more academically credible than the leavings of most of the students, whose essays often have more in common with the leavings of the bulls than the cows.

Further along the village of Little Frigging itself nestles in a gentle curve of the river Teeb, where those with good eyesight can see the scattered bodies of the denizens of Little Frigging who did not entirely make it all the way home from the snug of The Pervert’s Appendage the previous evening, and – no doubt worn out by the rigorous philosophical mass debates that usually end an evening in the pub - sleep where their exhausted bodies fell, often still clutching the remnants of their late-night kebab or takeaway in their insensate hands.

Down at the village cake shop, even this early in the morning the cake shop manageress Fanny Knickerless, and her assistants will be getting their hot baps out for the delectation of their first customers on that fine morning.

Further on up the riverbank, sitting apart from the rest of the village, there lies the cottage of the Teeb Hags. This is where the old crones, known as the Teeb Hags, perform their mystical ancient ceremony which has, over the centuries, become known as Teeb Hagging. This highly mystical Teeb Hagging ritual has been utilised by generations of old hags as a method of restoring the full rigours of passion to those denizens of the village who suffer with flagging relationships.

These are just a few of the delights awaiting the curious hill climber, and as we know many such ramblers are often very curious indeed, when they visit, and – most importantly - spend their money, in the delightful rural paradise that is Little Frigging in the Wold.

Eroticism and the Village Duck Pond

2012-04-10T15:28:00.001+01:00

The erotic potential of the village duck pond is not, of course, limited to those who are aroused by the possibilities inherent in the sensuous utilisation of a mallard feather, there are many other ways a village duck pond can be used to enhance the sensuality of an erotic dalliance, and not only by ensuring that the other participants have to stay upwind of Old Feebletrousers.

For those who enjoy a lot more moistness in their get-togethers than is normally the case, the village duck pond is an ideal location: not only is it out in the invigorating open-air, it does remove the risk of getting an errant appendage stuck in the taps. However, for some ladies who like the attentions of the village fire service to remove a stuck toe from the hot tap, this could be seen as somewhat of a disadvantage. On the other hand though, it does prevent the firemen from having to queue outside the bathroom for them all to get a turn at rescuing the distressed and pre-moistened damsel as much as she so ardently demands.

For those with an interest in erotic arousal through wearing rubber, the duck pond does allow the use of wet suits, and – for those of more specialised tastes the flippers. However, participants should be aware of the dangers of getting their snorkel bogged down in a muddy bottom… unless they like that sort of thing of course.

These are just a few of the erotic possibilities of the village duck pond, for those villages blessed with a larger pond, of course, there is always a chance for a gentleman to get his pole out, for many ladies do enjoy a good poling in the punt. Alternatively, for someone wishing to put his oar in, then no doubt the ladies will be willing to help adjust his rowlocks.

Theoretical Erotica

2012-03-29T15:30:00.000+01:00

Those of us with a vast… experience of the erotic arts and sciences will – of course – know that putting an assistant librarian (or - even better – two assistant librarians) in the same room together with have a myriad of erotic possibilities unfold before them, not often seen outside of some of our more considered solo-imaginings.

However, that is of nothing compared to any lady’s experience of applying pineapple rings to a fully-upstanding gentleman, especially if that woman is herself an experienced dairymaid with all the deft fingerings that following such a trade bestows upon its adherents.

However, some recent work in the theoretical aspects of the erotic arts and sciences at the University of Little Frigging has produced certain theories about the use of cucumber slices for enhancement of the erotic experience. As Einstein’s famous equation E=MC²(where E= erotic potential, M= melon and C²= a brace of cake shop manageresses) only a small amount of fruit or vegetable is enough to produce enough erotic potential for a more than satisfying dalliance. In Einstein’s case he used melon, but any comparable fruit or vegetable can be used, just as any other person or persons can replace the cake shop manageresses with out any significant loss of erotic potential (except in the case of MPs, of course).

This, of course, means that far more fruit and vegetables can be used for erotic purposes than has up to now been the case, thus leaving plenty left over for use as salad materials or mixed fruit salad for the village orgy half-time buffet table.

The Erotic Uses of the Duffle Coat

2012-03-27T15:43:00.000+01:00

As spring hesitates into life all around us, there is – as usual for this time of year – a sense that the menfolk of Little Frigging can feel themselves (as they often do) starting to perk up a little, especially as the women of Little Frigging begin to shrug off their winter clothing, thus enabling a couple of points of interest to manifest themselves to the menfolk as those women breast the morning chills without benefit of duffle coat.

Obviously, for those of us well-versed in the erotic potentialities of the duffle coat, this is something of a quandary. However, we can comfort ourselves (as we often do) that the full force of the English summer will soon be upon us, necessitating the return of the duffle coat and – of those of us excited by the prospect – wellies as well.

For a certain sort of gentleman, of which I am proud to number myself among, there is nothing quite as erotic as a lady striding though the summer rain in nothing but a duffle coat and wellies, ready – and willing - to take you in hand and lead you to a bower for a quick pre-village hall orgy refresher course in the erotic possibilities inherent in inclement weather dalliances, of which I’m sure so many perusers of my organ are more than familiar.

Not Country Matters

2012-03-26T12:12:00.001+01:00

Now, it would be wrong for any admirer of my organ to come to the conclusion that we village-dwellers spend all our time indulging in the erotic arts and sciences at both a practical and theoretical level, leaving no time for other pursuits.

Apart from the twice-weekly village orgies and the occasional dalliances in haylofts, various hedgerows, the village library, the cake shop, hayricks, the post office, village hall and the occasional foray into the duck pond, we don’t all spend our time assisting each other out of our respective underwear in order to indulging in what the poet so-rightly called ‘country matters’.

No, sometimes a denizen of Little Frigging can go for as long as half-a-hour without engaging in a dalliance with another villager, which I’m sure you who are unfortunate enough to be ensconced in an urban environment will see as about average for such a well-dispersed rural area as in which Little Frigging resides.

I’m sure that if it were not such, say, a long tractor ride between the academic lounge at Little Frigging University and the milking sheds we would all spend much longer in the eager welcoming hands of the dairymaids than we have the time for at present.

No, we al have a wide variety of interests, hobbies and diversions that keep us busy and our minds far from the erotic possibilities of, say, the slide rule or the woolly balaclava for up to several minutes a day. So there is no need for anyone to worry that we may become obsessive in our pursuit of the delights of the rude and naughty.

Therefore, I would like to thank you for your concern, and now if you wouldn’t mind removing your clothes and joining the post mistress in the bath full of lukewarm custard, I will be with you in a moment.

Exploring the Bush

2012-03-23T12:00:00.001Z

There are many men who enjoy poking about in the bush (as do many ladies who prefer a sensible sort of shoe) and with that in mind UK television has just commissioned a six-part series presented by Little Frigging’s own expert on the bush, Wombat Fryingpans.

Wombat Fryingpans is well-known for his TV programmes and books on the art of exploring the bush and having a good root about in the undergrowth. Many young and inexperienced men often find themselves standing, tool in hand, not really knowing the best way to approach the bush, how to enter it and what to do once they get there; often emerging a few moments later after some haphazard messing about, limp and defeated. There are even some ladies, who despite their supposed natural affinity for the bush find that they lack the finesse of tongue and finger to bring about a successful climax to their dalliances in the bush

Therefore, Wombat Fryingpans’ How to Survive in the Bush is a must-see for anyone who has ever wanted to poke about in the bush and wondered what to do once they get there. Undoubtedly, by following his advice and studying his techniques far more people will find their experiences in the bush become far more satisfying to them and their partners as they – at last – reach the kinds of conclusions to their explorations that they thought were beyond them.

The Village Hall Orgy Apprenticeship Scheme

2012-03-22T12:01:00.000Z

Although there is a lot to be said for youth, especially in the way their extremities do not tend to dangle in the dips at the village orgy half-time buffet table, for the person wishing to get the best from their explorations of the erotic arts and sciences, someone of more mature experience, someone of depth of wisdom and knowledge and a fine well-practised ease in the use of the sex spatulas is hard to beat*.

This is why we in the village hall orgy community (and it is a very close community, the closer the better) feel it is incumbent upon us older and wiser (and Old Feebletrousers too) participants to take the younger folk in hand to give them the benefit of our experience.

Of course, the University of Little Frigging does all that it can to impart as much knowledge, both theoretical and practical, of the erotic arts and sciences as it can, making sure that all students leave with a firm grasp of their essentials. However, there is nothing that beats practical experience on the job: as any plumber will tell you.

Therefore, once a student has graduated (with Honours) from the university they are offered a placement – often with their choice of positions – with an experienced village orgy participant who will show them the ropes; and the handcuffs and the whips and the feather (and for advanced students with a special interest in such things – the whole chicken), as well as giving them hands-on practical experience of all they have learnt, speculated and invented about the traditional of the village hall orgy.

In this way we hope that we can send our students out into the world as fully-rounded individuals who really know the correct way to approach a village post mistress with their sex spatulas at the ‘ready’ position without causing undue embarrassment to either party.

*Even if some of the gentlemen, of such an age, in question do sometimes find it harder than normal to get as hard as normal… so I’ve heard, anyway.

Fully-Bearded Folk Singers

2012-03-20T15:23:00.000Z

We have all – I’m sure – gazed with awe and wonder upon the spectacle of a fully-bearded folk singer as he (or she*) struggles manfully (or womanfully) with a wild accordion or feral banjo. Some of us may even have managed to survive the traditional folk-singer’s Ordeal by Cider, which they use to separate those that have the hollow legs necessary to become fully-fledged (or bearded) folk singers and those who lack the strength to stay upright when under attack from those vicious creatures the accordion and the banjo.

There are even some folk singers who have managed to overcome the guitar and even the violin – that savage creature that wails in pain when approached by a bow-wielding musician. Some say it is cruel for the folk singers to cause so much suffering to these poor creatures, but those people have never seen the damage that just one wild accordion or feral banjo can do to a herd of prime hairstylists or pedigree lawyers.

We rural folk rely on these traditions and the folk singers – made fearless by the quantities of cider they imbibe before staggering out on the stage to tame these vicious creatures – to keep us and our domesticated stock safe. Just think what our world would be like if the wild accordions and the feral banjos were allowed to run wild and free and what destruction they could wreak were they to get established in urban areas where no boy band, solicitor or travel agent would be safe to walk the streets at night in fear of being set upon by a pride of accordions or pack of banjos.

No, the folk singers do a wonderful and important job in keeping these vermin under control and must be allowed to continue with this vital work unimpeded by urbanites who just see these dangerous creatures as something natural and picturesque, rather then the vicious predators they are.

*As naturalists (and naturists) know, the difference between the male and female folk-singer lies in the position of the beard. The male has his beard permanently on display on the lower portion of the face, while the female wears a small goatee-style beard much lower down the body, and will only reveal it to an acquaintance once they have both consumed the requisite amount of cider for an attempt at mating to take place.

Spreading a Man’s Seed

2012-03-19T15:24:00.001Z

Once the days of spring bring about a slight touch of warmth to the rains of the English countryside, the thoughts of many a man turn – quite naturally – to the planting of his seed.

Even if he only has a smallholding, a man will want to spread his seed as far and wide as possible.

Obviously, once the spring arrives, the ladies of Little Frigging are always willing to help a man distribute his seed and will often help by making a receptive furrow for him, even if they have to struggle to achieve a good fit with his smallholding.

There are a number of men, and Little Frigging seems to contain a good many of them, who – on the other hand – have quite an impressive acreage and thus require the assistance of many of the Ladies of Little Frigging to ensure that their furrows are well filled with his seed.

There are even some – such as Grand Uncle Stagnant who have so much seed to spread around that he needs the assistance of a brace of dairymaids – with their milk jugs in the ‘ready’ or receiving position – in order to manage his copious outpourings of springtime seed.

So, if there are any lady admirers of my organ who fancy a weekend of good ploughing, or feel they could help a gentleman from Little Frigging to distribute his seed more widely, then they know when and where they can come.

Erotica for Women

2012-03-16T11:58:00.001Z

‘There is nothing quite as arousing to a woman in the prime of her life as seeing a proud upstanding gentleman waiting for her at the end of a winding country lane, dressed in nothing but his wellies and a bobble hat.’ I am sure that all the ladies currently perusing my organ will be nodding in agreement with these wise words penned by Little Frigging’s very own writer of erotica for the modern woman, Perusal Finger-Strokings, whose steamy tales of passion and rude doings have welded together many a woman’s knitting needles as the excitement of the story builds to a shuddering climax.

Those of you familiar with erotica for ladies will need no introduction to Perusal Finger-Strokings and her brand of no-holds bared writing where men are men, woman are woman and consequently the sheep manage to get some quality grazing time to themselves without having their back legs shoved down the inside of a pair of shepherd’s wellies without a moment’s notice.

Of course, being a writer of rude and naughty doings and living in Little Frigging means that Perusal Finger-Strokings is never short of material for her latest opus. For, if she ever needs a paragraph or two to round off a chapter, she can always count on Grand Uncle Stagnant to give her something memorable in the hayloft. If she requires something longer she can – of course – pay a visit to our village blacksmith - and volunteer fireman - Strom Thighhammer, who will, if she is ready to take a few things down, gladly demonstrate the use of his tool for her in the hot forge until she feels he has given her enough material to complete her research to her full satisfaction.

Rural Reinvigorations

2012-03-15T16:45:00.001Z

Obviously enough, if a proudly-upstanding gentleman wishes to partake of a milkshake then he should make haste to the milking shed and there allow himself to be taken in hand by a brace of dairymaids who will soon make sure he gets the full hands-on shake, something he will remember to the ends of his days.

I doubt if any of you gathered here to peruse my organ will attempt to gainsay, or even pooh-pooh such an observation, but there are some it seems, most likely those that find themselves entrapped in the dourness of the urban environment who would cast doubt upon the erotic nature of the rural environment and its environs.

However, as we all know, there is nothing like getting a few lungfuls of fresh air – ideally not downwind from either a farmer muck-spreading or Old Feebletrousers engaging in his annual sock-changing routine – to get the sap rising.

Therefore it is not unusual to see rural villagers out and about in the fields and meadows, all eager to take one another behind the hedgerows for a quick refresher on what can be best described as country matters, before getting back to going about whatever business it was they were previously engaged upon.

That is also why village hall orgies rarely start at the time advertised on the notice board by the village orgy steering committee, as usually participants have already met one another down some winding country lane and have taken each other in hand for a quick perk-me-up whilst on the way to the orgy.

It is not unusual to find that once the village orgy is underway, several of the participants have already marked each other’s orgy card and are often ready to move on to the half-time tea and cream cakes whilst others are still out in the vestibule struggling into their best orgy wellies.