tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50144362228554253602017-12-14T13:16:01.501+00:00Little Frigging in the WoldRural affairs, events and happenings.
Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.comBlogger583125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-74255565928879741832014-08-29T10:39:00.000+01:002014-08-29T10:39:03.765+01:00Not to be Trifled With<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/3x76tT_oCeI/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/3x76tT_oCeI&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/3x76tT_oCeI&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;">Certain women are not to be trifled with… although they may prefer the intimate application of an apple strudel. This, of course, will very much depend upon the consistency and warmness of the gentleman’s custard. So, always be careful when offering a lady of your acquaintance – or, in certain circumstances a gentleman with an interest in musicals and soft furnishings – a dollop of your finest on whatever they proffer towards you.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;">These days, the midweek orgy in the local village hall is a much less formal occasion than in days of yore. Therefore, what would have been beyond the pale only a few decades ago is nowadays regarded as little more than a faux pas, if not – upon occasion – de rigour. Here, I am not just speaking of the current contemporary fashion for wearing hand-knitted cardigans and slippers at midweek village orgies.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;">This latest craze, I’m led to believe began – innocently enough – as a comfy evening-in fetish night, which has since got well out of hand with talk in some of the more remote villages of blatant Val Doonican-themed orgy nights. This, as you can well imagine, has resulted in some very perturbed goats in those regions.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;">Although, naturalist have denied that this has anything to do with the sudden disappearance of </span><a href="http://youtu.be/7FF0m-580B4" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;">butterflies</a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-indent: 36px;"> in some rural areas.</span></div><br />David Hadleyhttps://plus.google.com/113886173983245508095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-72011578024959144092014-07-23T15:39:00.004+01:002014-07-23T15:39:38.311+01:00Golf and the Perverted Arts<div align="CENTER"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.markreubengallery.com/golf_images/0392a_lge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://www.markreubengallery.com/golf_images/0392a_lge.jpg" height="310" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With all its talk of getting a hole-in-one, sinking a birdie and other similar phrases, the neophyte perverteer could assume that golf and the perverted arts and sciences have a lot in common. Furthermore, a mere glance at a fully-costumed golfer does give the impression that a golfist is no stranger to fetish gear. Not only that, some of the more delicate strokes with the putter can bring to mind some of the less dexterous uses of the sex spatula.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, despite running almost the whole gamut* of erotic possibilities there is a deal of difference between golf and the erotic arts and sciences. Which is something that people ought to bear in mind whenever they discover themselves about to be taken into the rough, or come from behind with a few strokes. As for getting caught in the bunker, then you will often find they only have themselves to blame.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, as a sport golf had much to recommend it. Our own blacksmith and voluntary fireman, Strom Thighhammer himself, attests to the feeling of well-being, satisfaction and satiation a quick round of 18 holes can give a man as he prepares to go about his day. I for one think you can’t say fairer than that.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">*Those interested in the whole guillemot should however, do some research into seabird-based perversions.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div></div>David Hadleyhttps://plus.google.com/113886173983245508095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-54924715818133975512014-06-25T15:23:00.000+01:002014-06-25T15:23:19.498+01:00The Joys of Outdoor Eroticism<div align="CENTER"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large/a-herd-of-sheep-graze-on-a-hillside-joel-sartore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large/a-herd-of-sheep-graze-on-a-hillside-joel-sartore.jpg" height="211" width="320" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For those that enjoying a bracing and reinvigorating erotic experience there is nothing like getting (it) out and about in the wonderful British countryside. For during the British summertime there is nothing quite so arousing as feeling the refreshing dampness so typical of the British summer. As the steady drizzle worms its way inside your bondage gear you soon begin to feel yourself once more. Nor is there anything to beat the bracing breeze from a force 10 gale testing the integrity of your bondage ropes when you stand lashed to an oak tree as the winds attempt to pull you off.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">However, if you are considering any of the hillside – or for more advanced perverteers – mountain perversions, I would strongly advise that you make sure you are suitability equipped for the purpose. Those with an interest in bondage will, of course, already have a wide selection of ropes, clips, restraints and other such equipment, which makes an afternoon bound to a craggy protrusion so invigorating for the devotee. </span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">However, we would strongly suggest that any putative hillwalker invest in some hi-visibility fetish gear. For example, there is nothing as frustrating as losing your partner in a sudden mist, especially when she has the sausages, leaving you with an empty frying pan.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Furthermore, always practise extreme caution when approaching sheep or goats grazing on the mountainside. It is always possible that their shepherd is nearby and jealousy can be a dangerous thing. Especially if he happens to be cradling his 12-bore when he sees you striding towards his favourite ewe dressed in your high-visibility fetish gear. So, to avoid any misunderstandings always give the flocks a wide berth when out on the hillside. Follow the Country Code and ask the shepherd’s permission first of you think a particularly comely young ewe is giving you the eye.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><br /><div style="text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sign up to the <a href="http://eepurl.com/VsqYb">David Hadley – Author Mailing list</a> to receive news about new releases, special offers, forthcoming titles and much more. </span></div><div align="CENTER"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">[Books by David Hadley are available <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a> (UK) or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a> (US).] </span></div>David Hadleyhttps://plus.google.com/113886173983245508095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-44144795809895397062014-05-28T15:35:00.000+01:002014-05-28T15:35:54.211+01:00Advice to a Young Gentleman<div align="CENTER"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img1.etsystatic.com/013/1/5178165/il_340x270.444623305_igq7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://img1.etsystatic.com/013/1/5178165/il_340x270.444623305_igq7.jpg" height="254" width="320" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Strange as it may seem to some young gentlemen, slapping your manhood down into her breakfast porridge is not the ideal way to endear yourself to that special lady in your life… or the wife, for that matter.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Oddly enough, despite her claim that ‘you never give me any gifts’, she will also look on somewhat askance if you offer her a half-pound bag of Brussels sprouts filched from a nearby allotment. As for you offer of a pearl necklace, you must have realised that was a mistake long before your bruises faded. Despite women claiming to like flowers, not many will allow you any free-range access to the contents of their underwear in return for a handful of dandelions, or even a few withered daisies from next-door’s lawn.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Offering to buy a lady a drink is always a good move. However, some caution is advised whenever attempting such a course of action with any member of the <span style="font-style: italic;">Little Frigging Ladies Knitting and Wine Appreciation Circle</span>. Most bank managers will refuse a loan for the amount necessary to quench the thirst of one of these ladies. By the time she pronounces herself ‘in the mood’ you will have – unless you have a more robust constitution than average – spent several hours under the table and have lost the use of your legs.</span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left; text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">All in all, then, pleasing the ladies is not as easy as a young man would wish. Even those of us who have spent some time learning the ways of this strange creature still sometimes don’t always get it right, and can show you the scars and bruises to prove it.</span></div><div style="text-indent: 36px;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sign up to the <a href="http://eepurl.com/VsqYb">David Hadley – Author Mailing list</a> to receive news about new releases, special offers, forthcoming titles and much more. </span></div><div align="CENTER"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">[Books by David Hadley are available <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a> (UK) or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a> (US).] </span></div>David Hadleyhttps://plus.google.com/113886173983245508095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-32361152070457469982014-04-23T15:47:00.000+01:002014-04-23T15:47:18.757+01:00Voluntary Servicing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://diaryofasmartchick.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/vintage-magazine-images-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://diaryofasmartchick.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/vintage-magazine-images-2.jpg" height="214" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As is well-known by now, the gentlemen of Little Frigging enjoy nothing more than spending an evening or so ensconced in the snug of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>The Pervert’s Appendage</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, engaged in a philosophical mass debate.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Which is all to the good as long as they can – eventually – find their way </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">home without too many immersions in the village duck pond on the way.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, some of the ladies of the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Little Frigging Knitting Circle and Wine Appreciation Society</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">often feel in need of a pointer themselves. So the ladies do not feel this emptiness inside for too long, our own volunteer fireman Strom Thighhammer has been putting himself forward for them. This is so the ladies can partake of his pointer whenever they feel they need a damn good symposium. </span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, there are many demands on Strom’s time. Not only is he the village blacksmith, he is also a volunteer fireman, life model for the Little Frigging Village ladies Art class and Wine Appreciation Society and mainstay of the bi-weekly orgies in the village hall. Consequently, Strom feels (when he has any feeling left) that he would like some other gentlemen to put themselves forward into the hands of the ladies whenever the need arises.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once they realise the ladies of the village are in dire need of a good servicing, no doubt the gentlemen of the village will put themselves up to the challenge. They will undoubtedly put themselves at the beck and call of the ladies in their usual upright manner. However, until then Strom himself has vowed to keep himself at the forefront of the ladies’ attention until they have dispensed with him. </span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We can only hope that closing time comes around before the village ladies wear Strom down to a limp shadow of his former proudly-upstanding self.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br /></div><br /><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br /></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[Books by David Hadley are available <span style="color: blue;"><u><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u></span> (UK) or <span style="color: blue;"><u><a href="http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u></span> (US)]</span></span></div>David Hadleyhttps://plus.google.com/113886173983245508095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-48393369859626273302014-03-26T15:26:00.001+00:002014-03-26T15:26:55.779+00:00Health and Safety with Strom Thighhammer<p><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-HKCRqOPgWgw/UzLxtz8RuqI/AAAAAAAABZk/8TErqjDsTqo/s1600-h/image%25255B5%25255D.png"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="image" border="0" alt="image" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-zHm0XFlAtSY/UzLxvZ_xpnI/AAAAAAAABZs/mwQ17JZ7azU/image_thumb%25255B3%25255D.png?imgmax=800" width="332" height="332"></a> </p> <p>Of course, in the modern age Health and Safety is always a concern. Especially in situations such as an all-village orgy in the Village Hall where there is always the possibility of a mishap. Such as a gentleman bruising of the plums, or a lady having her melons mishandled. <p>This is why the ladies of Little Frigging always take much pleasure in the frequent Health and Safety lectures given by our very own volunteer fireman (and village blacksmith) Strom Thighhammer. The ladies are – of course – always keen to see - providing the skylight is open – his fireman’s lift when he stands proud in front of the gathered ladies. <p>This week, Strom gave some much-needed advice on the vexed problem of the health and safety concerns connected with the use of a stepladder in people’s erotic activities. <p>The ladies were –as usual – eager to get Strom’s tip into their hands. They then wanted to see for themselves how best they could insert it into their-own particular stepladder-assisted perversions. Including the very popular <i>Assistant Librarian Full Indexing from the Rear</i>, which as you no-doubt are aware can sometimes case the stepladder to overbalance. This especially when the assistant librarian finds herself overcome on the higher steps and cannot steady herself against any nearby shelving without risking an avalanche of hardcovers. <p>Afterwards, the ladies were all keen to endorse the usefulness of Strom’s health and safety lectures. A great many of the ladies expressing their gratitude for Strom’s full in-depth probing of their concerns. Many praised the lengths Strom went to in order to see every single (and married) lady in his audience fully satiated. <p> <p align="center">[Books by David Hadley are available <u><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u> (UK) or <u><a href="http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u> (US)]</p> Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-71930218559830780532014-02-27T15:48:00.001+00:002014-02-27T15:48:14.169+00:00The Advanced Perversion Research Facility<p><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-Ci29zR3y264/Uw9eN3eicUI/AAAAAAAABYg/KvGdzkI3qak/s1600-h/image%25255B5%25255D.png"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="image" border="0" alt="image" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-rbg1pz0ee7I/Uw9eO91tYNI/AAAAAAAABYo/2tFhMaSXaHM/image_thumb%25255B3%25255D.png?imgmax=800" width="346" height="281"></a></p> <p>There have been many interesting developments of late in both Theoretical and Applied Perversion Studies at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the Cowshed at Trouser-Quandary smallholding). <p>Of course, many people are familiar with current theoretical studies in the erotic arts and sciences. Particularly the research underway at Little Frigging's own Advanced Perversions Laboratory Facility. This research utilises the large Hard-On Collider in the search for the - so far theoretical – Rude and Naughty particles. Both of which are necessary to make sense of Stan Einstein's <i>General Theory of Perversion</i>. The use of the watermelon as specified in his <i>Special Theory of Perversion</i> is well-understood at both a theoretical and applied level, However, there are concerns over its practical application, especially when applied to a sub post-mistress on early-closing day. <p>There has been much work at the Little Frigging University Advanced Perversions Laboratory of late. Mainly into the use of the pogo-stick at village orgies, with some very interesting experimental results produced, especially when wearing knee-pads and gripping a peacock feather between the tightly-clenched buttocks of a quantity surveyor. <p>However, researchers have postponed research into the theoretical application of fresh cream cakes to the underside edge of a laboratory assistant. At least until the Perversion Research Council allocate the necessary research funds. Also, the professor must persuade a laboratory assistant to get out of the low-temperature custard research facility long enough to take a trip down to the cake shop to purchase the experimental materials. <p>Exciting times, I'm, sure you'll all (both) agree in both allied and theoretical perversions. This makes now an ideal time for anyone thinking of an in-depth study of perversion to apply to register at the University of Little Frigging. <p> <p align="center">[Books by David Hadley are available <u><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u> (UK) or <u><a href="http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u> (US)] Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-76493459759652003352014-01-29T15:35:00.000+00:002014-01-29T15:37:56.315+00:00The Beast of Little Frigging<p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-HUj8qrWjTQc/UukgGcdR6nI/AAAAAAAABYI/rjWzHLl7e_M/s1600-h/image%25255B5%25255D.png"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="image" border="0" alt="image" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-CUoziffUUYo/UukgHFQ44bI/AAAAAAAABYQ/pR3CmEjusko/image_thumb%25255B3%25255D.png?imgmax=800" width="385" height="313"></a> </p> <p>As with many rural villages and hamlets where the pubs stay open for as long as the patrons remain vertical, the area around Little Frigging has been the home of many sightings of strange creatures and mythical beasts. This does not include the many horror stories about Old Feebletrousers emerging from the <u><a href="http://littlefrigginginthewold.blogspot.co.uk/2009/06/not-beast-from-swamp.html">swamp</a></u> and/or the duck pond after a particularly well-refreshed evening of philosophical debate in the snug of <em>The Pervert’s Appendage</em>. Nor, of course, does it count the frequent sightings of creatures emerging from the local <u><a href="http://littlefrigginginthewold.blogspot.co.uk/2009/03/care-of-recently-hatched-lawyers.html">lawyer swamps</a></u> in search of fresh litigation. <p>Beyond the above, there have also been various sightings of strange creatures up on the Little Frigging moors. There is talk of strange dark-pelted creatures that lurk in the shadows ready to pounce on unsuspecting travellers and tourists. However, these days, Grand-Uncle Stagnant finds that waiting out in the typical heavy drizzle on the moors plays havoc with his many ailments. Consequently, he prefers to stay indoors as much as possible. If he is not in the snug of the village pub, then Grand-Uncle Stagnant is usually in the hayloft with a brace of dairymaids. The dairymaids both often eager to learn all the secrets of the erotic arts he has witnessed, sampled and – often – made up on his travels around the world. As well as his frequent visits to the seedier parts of Huddersfield. <p>However, when the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting and Wine Appreciation Society gather on a cold dark night, it is not the monsters that lie in wait out on the moors they talk of. It is tales of the monsters that lurk in the well-filled gentleman’s region of Strom Thighhammer’s undergatherings they discuss. The ladies all know only too well what monster lurks there and just what it takes to make it rise up from its sleep to take them in the night. <p> <p align="center">[Books by David Hadley are available <u><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u> (UK) or <u><a href="http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005DFN62Q">here</a></u> (US).]</p> Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-52729106182257737452014-01-08T15:36:00.001+00:002014-01-08T15:36:42.602+00:00Perverted Arts or Sciences? - A Ponderthon<p><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-nwpMP9X3jpU/Us1whGZF61I/AAAAAAAABXw/vL0U4nGStMg/s1600-h/image%25255B5%25255D.png"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="image" border="0" alt="image" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-1oH-7Nuk3Wo/Us1wh8I5kCI/AAAAAAAABX4/SKwvLEvNp_w/image_thumb%25255B3%25255D.png?imgmax=800" width="339" height="232"></a> </p> <p>Many perverteers, when in-between dalliances, are apt to ponder the great philosophical quandaries of perversion. And why not, providing you are not impeding, say, an assistant librarian from achieving closure? <p>One of the great imponderables of both practical and theoretical perversion is the question about whether perversion itself is an art or a science. <p>There are those who would point to the aesthetic considerations necessary when, say, disporting a brace of dairymaids next to an apricot crumble and say that proves that perversion is an art. However, there are those who would say the correct way to approach, for example, an assistant librarian whilst wearing shin-pads and holding the watermelon the putative perverteer must consider several variables. Such as the angle of attack, the wind direction and how long it is until either: <p>a./ closing time, <p>or, <p>b./ when the footie is on the telly. <p>Which is as much of a science as it is an art. <p>However, there is fascinating work underway in theoretical and applied perversion in the laboratories at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser-Quandary smallholding). Here, our research into both the Rude and the Naughty particles essential for any perverse reaction to take place is undoubtedly a science. Obviously, it is one that places a lot of stress on the elbows, as well as using a large quantity of fresh strawberries, which many will also regard as an art. <p>It is my contention, therefore that the perverse arts and sciences are both arts and sciences. Yet they are also not arts and sciences. This because there is something in the perverse act, even if it only involves a clerical gentleman, a campanologist and a bunch of spring onions, that goes beyond the limits of both arts and sciences. Venturing into some other realm we are only now beginning to grasp the wot of. <p>I'm sure that, in the near future, we will return to discuss more of this fascinating subject as and when I can be arsed.</p> Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-64480721757563721772013-11-03T11:53:00.001+00:002013-11-03T11:53:34.342+00:00Accident and Emergency<p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-h0FORvHBd_4/UnY5OpgvwBI/AAAAAAAABXQ/y2lmalhP5zQ/s1600-h/clip_image002%25255B6%25255D.jpg"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="clip_image002" border="0" alt="clip_image002" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-SXZjnkrJTIs/UnY5PFqXDkI/AAAAAAAABXU/HhmI0yC4AuY/clip_image002_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="373" height="239"></a> <p>There is always the chance that during a weekday – or, especially - a weekend orgy in the village hall, that someone may suffer an injury. This is particularly the case when the pogo sticks are in use, or the nipple clamps get a little rusty around the hinges. That is why our village doctor, Minnie Strayshuns, and her practice nurse, Pam Purring, are always available to anyone throughout the entire orgy. They are there on the scene for minor ailments such as a stubbed toe, which they can treat on the spot. But they are also able to assist with more serious complaints such as the dreaded itchy knee. <p>Minnie Strayshuns and Pam Purring are always more than ready to lay their hands on any gentleman's predicament and to offer a helping hand or oral relief to any lady in need of aid to bring herself to fulfilment. <p>Of course, for more serious injuries there is always the local ambulance service. They are able to take an injured orgy-goer to the A&E department at Titten-Growper General Hospital. For example, Old Feebletrousers, last weekend, did not look both ways before attempting to pole-vault over some villagers engaged in a game of Naked Twister at one end of the village hall. He incautiously placed the end of his pole in a pool of excess baby oil, thus causing him to crash into the half-time buffet table and seriously compromised his baguette. <p>However, the ambulance crew stopped off at <i>The Pervert's Appendage</i>, on the way to the hospital on Old Feebletrouser's insistence that he needed a little pick-me-up. They emerged seven hours later from the snug of <i>The Pervert's Appendage</i> into the car park. However, neither of the ambulance crew could remember the way to the hospital. Nor could they remember which of the three ambulances they could see in the pub car park was the one they'd arrived in. SO they decided to return to the snug and await rescue. Eventually, when the pub ran out of beer they were able to return to what now resembled the single ambulance they’d arrived in. Thus they were then able to take Old Feebletrousers to the A&E department where he was pronounced a miracle of evolution and taken to the Upper Thyghspreader Wildlife Park, where he is now a major visitor attraction there. <p>This just goes to show the importance of always having medical staff in the vicinity when about to engage in anything more strenuous than making a cup of tea. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-64836160577660914622013-09-27T15:10:00.000+01:002013-09-27T15:11:07.443+01:00The All-New Perversion Proximity Detector App<p><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-PKlwKcT17eE/UkWR9oxSxzI/AAAAAAAABWg/WeR9YPD5tcM/s1600-h/clip_image002%25255B6%25255D.jpg"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="clip_image002" border="0" alt="clip_image002" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-m2a9ycfTnZA/UkWR-QR3SlI/AAAAAAAABWo/dfICuyQSKI0/clip_image002_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="370" height="278"></a> <p>There is good news for anyone who no longer wishes to suffer the inconvenience of searching for a nearby orgy. Now there is no more suffering undue frustration whilst wandering around with their tool clutched in their hand (or for more advanced orgyists – with their tool in someone else’s hand). Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have announced that from next month their famous Perversion proximity detector – once a hand-held tool - will be released as a mobile phone app. <p>The original tool was a must-have for any putative orgy-goer who found themselves in an unfamiliar location without a nearby orgy available to them. Or even for them to discover the whereabouts of the nearest local orgy without garnering any undue attention. <p>Some of us of more advanced years will – no doubt – recall the original hand-held Perversion proximity detectors. Remembering just how unwieldy they were with their seven aerials, the flexible moistness-sniffer and the rather loud naughtiness meter. Not forgetting, of course, the lewdness warning-lights that often lit up an entire village High Street when detecting someone wearing a snorkel while preparing a watermelon for an intimate encounter. <p>The wonders of technological innovation and miniaturization have moved on apace in this field. Splodge & Sons produce other similar devices in nearby fields (sometimes literally as with the SheepMate bovine compatibility detector). First Splodge & Sons produced a range of devices that could easily fit first the rucksack, and latterly the pocket or handbag – depending on mode of dress and/or undress. <p>Now, though, they’ve reduced the whole device to a mere app on one’s mobile phone. The app can detect a village hall orgy night from up to three valleys away. It also introduces you to any interested sheep in the fields between your position and the village hall, if you so desire. <p>Not only that, in the poor benighted regions of this once-great land which do not have a village hall, the app will give you a pointer towards the nearest local orgy. Up to and including any dalliance taking place on municipal premises, or behind a large hedge. <p>All in all then this is – I feel – one of the apps, along with the new Android version of SheepMate, which will be very useful to the orgyist. Especially one, who – for whatever reason – finds themselves in a strange place and in need of the familiar comforts of a local orgy. This app enables them to proceed without having to waste most of the evening in fruitless enquiries that leave them bereft of the friendly companionship they desire. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-9439636534062660332013-09-19T08:26:00.001+01:002013-09-19T08:26:35.907+01:00The Pride of Little Frigging<p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-4_egmI6yzIQ/UjqnJwMiecI/AAAAAAAABWI/sG9OxOlo5TU/s1600-h/clip_image002%25255B6%25255D.jpg"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="clip_image002" border="0" alt="clip_image002" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-78EPtH7znqo/UjqnKoTgV7I/AAAAAAAABWQ/nOA0JnF3eac/clip_image002_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="361" height="276"></a> <p>There was a time – of course – when Grand-Uncle Stagnant was the pride of Little Frigging. It was a time long ago now. It was a time lost in the mists of Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s memory. Unfortunately, it is a memory, which over the years has become something of a hit-and-miss affair. Especially when trying to recall the affairs of his youth. <p>These days he sometimes even has trouble remembering the names of whichever brace of dairymaids have volunteered to get him up in the mornings. Although, as Grand-Uncle Stagnant often points out, he – even at his rather advanced age – still has no trouble getting up in the morning. It is a feat which – no doubt – accounts for the alacrity with which the dairymaids volunteer to assist him in the mornings. All of them know that he will give them something well-worth remembering. Especially over the next few days as they stumble out to bring in the cows for their early morning milking. <p>In days gone by, many a man would be more than grateful for the deft fingerings of the dairymaids as they helped him arise first thing in the mornings. A dairymaid experienced in hand-milking a herd of cows can soon, with a few deft manoeuvrings of her digits, get a man to rise to the peak of his ability. No matter how well-refreshed he was the previous evening. <p>It is this early morning manipulation of his aged extremities by the dairymaids that Grand-Uncle Stagnant insists is responsible for his sprightliness, even at his advanced age. Unfortunately, no-one knows Grand-Uncle Stagnant’s exact age. It is a number that has defeated the mathematical abilities of some of the greatest computational devices in the modern world to calculate, at least using normal mathematical procedures. <p>Those of us too who have felt the welcoming hands of the dairymaids upon us in our hour of need would – I’m sure – be more than willing to attest to their remarkable reinvigorating powers. We all hope they continue to pass down the secrets of their calling to future generations of dairymaids. Even though in these days of mechanical milking machines, their abilities are no longer needed for their original purposes – or – in more specialised costal milking sheds – their original porpoises. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-10886749016006132472013-09-13T15:29:00.001+01:002013-09-13T15:29:55.347+01:00Perversion for the Beginner<p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-CUkAM_nopTE/UjMhX4E13EI/AAAAAAAABVw/4rljJ15pd7c/s1600-h/clip_image001%25255B6%25255D.jpg"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="clip_image001" border="0" alt="clip_image001" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-2Q8pqXWUayE/UjMhYcsA6PI/AAAAAAAABV4/JQ7r8Q-MJJU/clip_image001_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="358" height="224"></a> <p>Providing that spring cabbage is in season, there is no reason why you shouldn't introduce one to help liven up a sex life that has become run-of-the-mill or mundane. However, we would suggest you reserve the use of the turnip for when the two (or more) of you have become used to becoming sexually aroused while in the near vicinity of vegetables. This is of Particular importance if you are in a supermarket or greengrocers at the time. However, as most Farmers' Markets take place in a rural, or semi-rural, setting you are more than welcome to grab a feel of a courgette from a farmer's market stall. Those of a curious bent are also welcome to take a firm grasp of the farmer's plums, should you so wish. <p>However, you should exercise extreme caution when approaching a putative perverting partner with the accordion for the first time. Especially if you are incautious with the accordion's bellows mechanism near any exposed extremities. However, the flippers and bobble hat make an ideal introduction to perversion, especially if the lady (or ladies) involved are capable of knitting their own bobble hats and fetish leg warmers in readiness for the occasion. <p>The neophyte perverteer should practise caution when approaching a man or woman in uniform. Sometimes these may not be wearing the uniform as a form of sexual arousal, but as part of their day job. So – except for structural engineers and geography teachers, of course – always make discreet enquires about their line of work before attempting to - say – place a mackerel fillet on their inner thigh. <p>Apart from that always carry a bottle of freshly-ground badger spleen oil and disport your sex spatulas (in the 'ready' position, of course) and go out there and be as perverse as you like (except on Tuesday mornings, obviously). Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-69745027937075346332013-08-21T15:38:00.001+01:002013-08-21T15:38:08.558+01:0050 Shades of Gravy<p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-dFv9Oy7mWCk/UhTQy0L0c6I/AAAAAAAABVQ/0B5Dgf_vBpQ/s1600-h/clip_image002%25255B6%25255D.jpg"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="clip_image002" border="0" alt="clip_image002" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-drJ0sEzh4oo/UhTQzotPsAI/AAAAAAAABVY/_DI--nj17dI/clip_image002_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="348" height="348"></a> <p>Obviously, when laying an assistant librarian on a bed of shredded cabbage, before applying the carrots it is advisable to consider which would be the best shade of gravy to have in your ladle in readiness. <p>As we all know, gravy comes in many different flavours, mostly – except in the case of the transport café – bearing some relationship to the main ingredients used in the making of the gravy. Each of which will have its own distinctive colour, from the dismal miasmic grey of the fabled seaside boarding house of yore, right up to the rich deep almost mirror-like browns of the high-end gravy-eating experience found in top restaurants. <p>Of course, one should always consider obtaining the gravy with the taste and flavours most likely to bring out the best in your assistant librarian, or as with the case with vegetable stock – your supply geography teacher (remembering, of course, that in such cases the carrots should always be replaced by parsnips). <p>The village hall weekend orgy, many of us feel (as it were), would not be the same without the traditional English basting of the assistant librarian, up on the High Altar – next to the buffet table. So, it behoves us all to make sure that not only is the gravy of a complementary flavour for the particular assistant librarian we intend to ladle it over, we must also make sure that the gravy itself is of a colour and shade that brings out the best in our assistant librarian (or if including the vegetarian option – our supply geography teacher. This is why Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have released this handy colour chart showing all the fifty available shades of erotic all-purpose* gravy they produce. Therefore, now we can all get the exact shade of gravy we need to show off our recumbent assistant librarians to their best advantage at every village hall weekend orgy, as nature intended. <p>*The Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) range of all-porpoise gravies and naughty nautical sauces is beyond the scope of this article. However details of all the gravies and sauce can be found in the appendix to the catalogue. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-88612904161005426742013-08-16T15:11:00.001+01:002013-08-16T15:11:58.295+01:00Common Law<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" border="0" src="http://www.ggat.org.uk/cadw/historic_landscape/gower/images/HLCA069_photolrg.jpg" width="375" height="282"> <p>Several (at the latest count – nearly one) of my interlocutors have expressed surprise - and wonder - at the point I raised recently in the snug of <i>The Pervert's Appendage</i>. However, putting that to one side, where it rests easily against the inner thigh, I would like to take an opportunity to discuss England's great tradition of Common Law. <p>First – obviously, it will be necessary make sure that we are in a lawyer-free zone, and there is no chance of any lawyer coming within earshot. Thus making us liable to pay the fees that any lawyer naturally incurs by being in the vicinity of a non-lawyer. <p>As Maureen often attests, however, I am as common as muck and consequently – as a male of the species – regard myself as an expert on a multitude of matters. Despite having – at best – little more than a passing acquaintance with their intricacies and foibles. One of those matters is of course the common law. <p>I spend a great deal of time out on the common, often on my own, or sometimes taking the Little Frigging Inter-Village orgy squad out for a training session. Therefore, I do know a lot about the law relating to the common, and especially such matters as grazing one's sheep, or even hairstylist, on common land. As well as the legal liabilities incumbent on anyone who – accidentally or otherwise – backs a postmistress into a thicket, pollarding with a pair of assistant librarians in a manner likely to case severe curtailment of a police officer's tea break and secreting in a post mistress's bush without due care and attention, also how to avoid getting on the wrong side of a woodsman’s chopper. <p>Speaking of the common and the law naturally leads us onto the vexed subject of dogging and other related matters. But as long as you keep your dogging partner(s) on a lead, then the law cannot touch you, although several wild lawyers may take photographs. However, as long as they keep at a distance you should be spared any unfortunate outpourings of litigation as long as you keep to the designated areas. <p>Mind how you go. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-666785806202704622013-08-15T08:35:00.001+01:002013-08-15T08:35:58.072+01:00Pride and Perversion<p><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-iyRSySvkxeQ/UgyE2q5bzYI/AAAAAAAABU4/KYTYJ2do2Zs/s1600-h/clip_image002%25255B6%25255D.jpg"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="clip_image002" border="0" alt="clip_image002" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-Tv5YwjkfVlQ/UgyE3EaL9MI/AAAAAAAABVA/6j010CEKs_c/clip_image002_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="349" height="229"></a> <p><i>It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large endowment must be in want of an eager village hall orgy partner</i>. <p>Of course, this, Jane Austen's original opening to the first version of her <i>Pride and Perversion</i> novel was very different indeed to the version later published as <em>Pride and Prejudice</em>. <p>Back in those days, of course, the village hall orgy was a much more regimented affair, especially when the local militia attended. The more formal orgies of those times were very much demarcated by rigid class boundaries. Which, in the case of rural village orgies, meant erecting a large fence across the village hall to keep the rude peasantry away from their betters (at least officially, anyway). As contemporary sources do indicate – and recent historical ground-breaking research by the Historical Perversions Faculty at the University of Little Frigging has proved – there was far more intercourse between the various strata of society in those days. Much more than we have been led to believe by those who would wish us to see the class-structure of society as somehow impermeable and immutable. <p>For example, in this version of <i>Pride and Perversion</i>, Elizabeth is very much attracted to the local blacksmith. Especially when she sees him stripped for his annual bath in the village duckpond and is overawed by the size of his endowment. <p>All in all, then this original version of Pride and Perversion is pretty much a standard novelistic plot. That is until the blacksmith, Darcy, offers to take Elizabeth up the Northanger Abbey. Whereupon, she drops the watermelon in a fit of the vapours and then requires a large amount of Persuasion before she eventually consents to marry and thus live happily ever after with Darcy at his forge. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-70781205249182253072013-08-08T13:57:00.001+01:002013-08-08T13:57:46.599+01:00Pirates and Perversions<iframe height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/bYY1TnoFPmE" frameborder="0" width="420" allowfullscreen></iframe> <p>Sometimes, hard as it may seem (and I know it does seem quite firm at the moment), there comes a time when the denizens of Little Frigging look for something beyond the usual village orgies and seek out something a bit more unusual. <p>Themed orgies have a long and distinguished history. For some reason, never adequately explained, people love to dress up in costumes they would not normally wear, and then – some time later – take them all off again. <p>Consequently, one of the annual favourites in the Little Frigging orgy calendar is <i>Pirate Perversions Night</i>, usually undertaken around this time every year, when the denizen of Little Frigging dress up as pirates, and engage in all manner of pirate and privateer-related perversions, deviations and erotic encounters up to and including splicing the mainbrace. <p>Of course, the naked and blindfolded walking the plank into a large vat of trifle – usually lightly sprinkled with a handful of pre-custarded assistant librarians is always very popular. <p>Other such pirate-based perversions, such as <i>Fifty Men on a Cake Shop Manageress's Chest</i> are also quite popular, as is spending your doubloons on a recumbent post mistress. <p>The treasure map where the treasure chest is marked with an X is always one perversion the Villagers are more than eager to partake in, especially when they have to fully explore the contours of the chest in order to locate the spot marked with the X. <p>Not only that, in the role-play corner of the Village Hall, the ladies of Little Frigging never seem to get enough of <i>Long John Silver</i> – usually of course played by our very own village Blacksmith Strom Thighhammer who has very much made the part his own. <p>Not to mention <i>Yo-Ho-Ho and a Brace of Dairymaids</i>, which, so long as the parrot always freely consents, is a magnificent way to round off the evening, especially after the last of the rum ration has been quaffed by Grand Uncle Stagnant.</p> Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-32840643546333024492013-08-06T14:02:00.001+01:002013-08-06T14:02:51.302+01:00The Erotic Uses of the Cucumber<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" border="0" src="http://goodtoknow.media.ipcdigital.co.uk/111/00000cb7b/39f0_orh100000w614/tuna-and-cucumber-sandwich.jpg" width="331" height="222"> <p>Of course, one of the most important erotic uses of the cucumber in a village hall orgy setting, is – obviously – as a filling for the half-time sandwiches. A function for which the cucumber is also admirably suited during an inter-village competitive orgy whenever the teams change ends, and need a fillip, before returning to the fray. <p>Obviously, a frayed cucumber is of little use either to a competitive orgy team, or during a village hall orgy, so please make sure of the integrity of your cucumber before proceeding. <p>It goes without saying that some of the village ladies like to get their hands on the cucumber – and similar proportioned fruit and vegetables such as the leek or courgette (or for more experienced ladies – the marrow) - before they are sliced for the sandwiches, or for whatever purpose the aforementioned other fruit and vegetables are prepared, mainly to ensure that the cucumber is of a length, girth and firmness suitable for the purposes they wish to put it to. <p>However, recent studies at the University of Little Frigging (formerly the cowshed at Trouser Quandary small holding), have proved to the satisfaction of those who studied the phenomena, that a cucumber that has been tested to destruction by the ladies – or those gentlemen who take an interest in musical theatre – are of little use when it comes to making those vital cucumber sandwiches. Consequently, the research team recommend that the cucumbers for the sandwiches - and other such fruit and vegetables like bananas for example – be kept out of the way of those ladies until well after the half-time sandwiches – or other food items - have been prepared, for there is nothing more frustrating in a village hall to find yourself with the baps for a sandwich in hand and nothing to put between them. <p>You have been warned. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-67034376256220823232013-07-30T11:58:00.001+01:002013-07-30T11:58:19.562+01:00The Use of the Watermelon in a Village Hall Orgy Context<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" border="0" src="http://artnudeproject.com/wp-content/gallery/manda-watermelon/01-008.jpg" width="365" height="452"> <p>Even so, people these days do not seem to be aware of just how much things have changed since the introduction of the watermelon to the village orgy. Back in the immediate post-war years, of course, the village orgy – like so many other things in British society – was still suffering from the deprivations of the war, including rationing and shortages. <p>Of course, the ingenuity of wartime orgy-goers had produced many erotic uses for tinned spam and powdered eggs, up to and including the <i>ARP Early-Warning Rear-Entry Surprise</i> that delighted many a war-time orgy-going lady while her husband or lover was at the front. <p>However, a common complain in the post-war years was the lack of bananas and other such exotica, up to and including the watermelon. The soldiers returning from foreign parts, of course, did bring back with them some very interesting foreign perversions, especially those utilising captured German sauerkraut and others such as the <i>French Onions String-Out</i> or even the Japanese <i>Kimono Undertakings</i> that could leave even a Samurai warrior with his weapon limp in his hand. <p>However, it was not until the mid-sixties that that now staple of the rural village hall orgy – the watermelon – made its way to these shores, something that we should all be grateful for as we prepare our shin-pads and snorkels and grasp the watermelon in readiness as we approach the post-mistress at our usual mid-week village hall orgies. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-91633989708544382692013-07-21T11:53:00.001+01:002013-07-21T11:53:08.448+01:00Sex Spatula Manipulation and the Modern Age<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" border="0" src="http://wilsonsignature.com/wp-content/gallery/gold-series/knight_lance.jpg" width="287" height="195"> <p>Back in the days of yore, of course, a knight would often show the lady of his choice the full length of his lance before asking for her favour. These days at the mid-week orgy in the local village hall, things are not all that dissimilar. However – especially those as (nearly) well-blessed, such as our own Strom Thighhammer – it ill behoves anyone to reveal something of such a length in the relatively close confines of the village hall, especially with the cost of repairing damaged light fittings, and the health and safely concerns that necessitate someone erecting safety barriers around it and the placing of a hazard warning light on its end. <p>Still, though, these days, a gentleman always has the dexterity with which he can wield his sex spatulas as a way of impressing the ladies there present at his local village orgy. This is of course why a young man should always be given his sex spatulas as soon after reaching adulthood as possible. So, by the time he has grown to that point that males ever get towards maturity, he knows how to wield his sex spatulas in mixed company without creating any undue distress in any nearby woodland mammals that have – however inadvertently – wandered into the near vicinity of the village hall on orgy night. <p>Of course, it is better that a young man be taken under the wing (if her fetish costume does include wings of course) of an experienced older lady who can demonstrate to him some of the finer points of sex spatula manipulation in a full-on village orgy setting. Luckily, we here in Little Frigging have Maureen, my own dear wife, along with many other well-experienced ladies, who are always more than willing to help out any neophyte along those first few sex spatula wieldings on the road to full manhood. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-22843057357619528562013-07-20T12:03:00.001+01:002013-07-20T12:03:03.915+01:00Taking the Proffered Item<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" border="0" src="http://www.streetsflorist.co.uk/images/streets_veg_fruit_box_10_sml.jpg" width="335" height="232"> <p>Of course, taking any proffered pineapple before it has been prepared by the volunteers providing the catering at your local village hall orgy can sometimes be somewhat of an enlightening experience, especially if it is offered up in the wrong direction*. <p>However, the well-seasoned (ideally with a liberal coating of olive oil**) village orgy-goer, will be well used to unexpected items appearing throughout the village orgy experience. This is especially true if the village is home to those particular ladies who enjoy a good rummage through the box of provided devices available – usually – by the door as you enter the hall, as well as those all too familiar items displayed on the hall’s dildo rail for the convenience of all attendees. <p>It should always be stressed however, that all such devices, implements, items of fruit, small furry animals (and – of course – politicians) should be thoroughly cleaned after use and before replacing them in the device box, dildo rail, fruit dish or holding pen, for the convenience and peace of mind of other village hall orgy attendees who want to make use of the aforesaid items too. <p>*What is – indeed – the wrong direction for any individual will, of course, depend upon their personal proclivities. <p>**Of course, coating a Liberal in olive oil is something best left for those who enjoy the cut and thrust of political perversions, up to and including the stuffing of the ballot box and losing their deposits. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-84973262179538328342013-07-14T11:57:00.001+01:002013-07-14T11:57:53.822+01:00Kneading the Cake Shop Manageress<p><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-LuibCK1jX5A/UeKELoDVaaI/AAAAAAAABUc/JIlLS59kwhY/s1600-h/clip_image002%25255B8%25255D.jpg"><img style="border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px" title="clip_image002" border="0" alt="clip_image002" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-lFwr4BCgFEw/UeKEMJdjqgI/AAAAAAAABUk/U8riFi5yno0/clip_image002_thumb%25255B5%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="374" height="298"></a> <p>Of course, any gentleman who feels that he is in danger of not rising to the occasion should immediately – or as fast as the village hall orgy timetable allows – put himself firmly (or not, as is often the case) in the hands of the village cake shop manageress, whose expert kneading ability will soon have him standing proud once more. Obviously, though, it is only common courtesy for the gentleman then to test the integrity of his predicament, by offering the cake shop manageress the opportunity to prove his first rising. Although, in more difficult circumstances, the aforesaid gentleman may need to take some quality time testing the firmness of the cake shop manageress's baps before he achieves the fullness of his potential. <p>It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that occasionally all gentlemen – except my good self, of course) will experience some difficulty rising to the occasion. This is especially so in the heated atmosphere of the village hall orgy where sometimes the ladies present will discuss amongst themselves the relative merits of their putative and/or previous orgy partners. It can, therefore, be rather daunting for a gentleman to put himself forward to the next partner marked on his orgy card when following another gentleman whose prowess makes the aforesaid first gentleman only too aware of his own shortcomings, especially if the lady herself shows disappointment, or the man finds himself overshadowed by that lady's previous orgy partner. <p>Still, though, it behoves us all as men of the world, or at least this bit of it, to do our best, no matter what, if only to give the lady herself something to remember us by*, even if it is only through matters arising. <p> <p>*Or – as in many cases – blame us for. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-33808391676523313292013-06-16T11:31:00.001+01:002013-06-16T11:31:27.959+01:00Trifling with the Affections<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/89/Spotted_Dick_Wikimeet_London_2005.jpg/300px-Spotted_Dick_Wikimeet_London_2005.jpg"></p> <p>Of course, every fully-upstanding eroticician or perverteer knows of the erotic delights of the pudding from merely trifling with someone's affections right up to and including the <a href="http://littlefrigginginthewold.blogspot.co.uk/2009/06/more-advanced-fruit-based-sexual.html">Pineapple </a><a href="http://littlefrigginginthewold.blogspot.co.uk/2009/06/more-advanced-fruit-based-sexual.html">Inquiry</a>. <p>It goes without saying however, that if you should wish to trifle with someone's affections you should make sure that the trifle itself spends sometime out of the fridge before applying it to one's partner’s (or partners') affections. As is well known the affections are very sensitive and it behoves any eroticician of the first rank to make sue that one's partners in the erotic enterprise, shenanigan or doings is fully aware of – and consents to – what is about to take place. Which also means you should always warm your spoon up first too, unless the aforesaid partner, or partners, is the sort that enjoys a cold spooning. This is something I think I can safely say many of us do indeed enjoy, especially on a warm summer's evening at the village hall weekend orgy. <p>Still, one should also be aware of the dangers of the overly-warm pudding too. For nothing cools the ardour more than the sudden unwarranted application of some over-heated custard to the gentleman's region. So any lady wishing to have custard with her spotted dick would be well-advised to make sure the custard is not too hot before dipping her ladle. <p>As for the treacle tart, it is only polite to make sure you have licked off <i>all</i> the treacle before she attempts to get dressed at the end of the proceedings as a overly-sticky nether garment can become rather uncomfortable, especially if one has to take the long way home due to a traffic jam of post-orgy wheelbarrows taking the somewhat overcome orgy-goers home at the end of their evening exertions. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-40724344507149952112013-06-15T11:56:00.001+01:002013-06-15T11:56:23.583+01:00Strom Thighhammer – at Full Length<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" border="0" src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwu4b1uEWi1r6jb0mo1_400.jpg" width="400" height="300"> <p>Well, she had the tambourine and I had the ukulele, so it was all set to be one of the more interesting 'show and tell' evenings at the village hall, especially when we had the courgette already oiled and coming to room temperature for the hands-on event at the end of our demonstration. <p>Of course, there are some traditionalist who look upon the importation of such things as the 'show and tell' event from the Colonies as a dilution of all that is great and good about the traditional English rural village hall. However, those of us less bound by tradition – despite the long British tradition of enjoying being bound in erotic circumstances - do feel there is much still to be learnt about the width and variety, of erotic experience, not to mention the length. <p>Speaking of length, naturally leads us on to a similar talk – given last month – by our very own Strom Thighhammer. It was a talk of such depth, penetration and erudition that some of the ladies had to be wheelbarrowed home afterwards, still more than overcome by Strom's very deep plumbing of the subject. <p>Strom, as is well known, is quite capable of going to greater lengths than normal, even in the cold of an English rural winter. Despite which, several of the ladies of the Little Frigging Knitting Circle immediately planned to join forces to knit Strom a winter warmer of a suitable length to keep his extremities from damage by frost, especially as the rather heavy snow fall left him in danger of having to drag himself through some of the deeper drifts around the cake shop. <p>The rest of us just hope the country has enough wool in stock. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5014436222855425360.post-6587733675172744922013-06-11T16:16:00.001+01:002013-06-11T16:18:24.206+01:00Sticking Together<p><img style="display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto" src="http://www.brainboxx.co.uk/A4_RESOURCE/images/gluepot.gif" width="378" height="401"> <p>Of course, it is not that unusual for a lady of Little Frigging to find herself without a partner for either the mid-week or weekend all-village orgy in the village hall. This is not normally any great cause for concern as not only are there many fine upstanding gentlemen who are more than willing to offer a pointer to a lone lady, there are many other women - perhaps mindful that they may one day be in a similar situation - who will gladly offer their sister a hand, or sometimes even oral consolation. Not only that the Strap-on Sisters themselves will always be willing to provide whatever stimulation and comfort they can to anyone seemingly bereft of satiation and feeling somewhat empty inside. <p>Some neophytes do find themselves quite surprised at the generally supportive atmosphere in most village orgies – for obvious reasons I am omitting <i>certain</i> villages - that will remain nameless - from this general situation, for there are some places where a single lady in want of a good seeing-to is regarded with utmost suspicion by other ladies who fear the gentlemen present may not be as fully satisfied by themselves as should be the case in any normal rural village. <p>Of course, back in the olden days, when everything was in black and white, there was far less intercourse even between neighbouring villages, let alone between the relative strangers and distant places that is now the case. In those days then, it was incumbent upon all villagers to come together as often as possible – hence the invention of the village hall orgy – in order to keep the mutual fellow feeling that is – we would like to believe – the glue that keeps us all, throughout such villages as this, sticking together. <p>Certainly, we do like to believe that there is something in the twice-weekly village hall orgy that does make everyone in Little Frigging stick together. Norbert Trouser-Quandaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14055400195782201476noreply@blogger.com0