Linda's Twaddle

Wednesday 22nd May

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:26:00 +0000

I have absolutely nothing to post about so I may as well blab instead.

And upload a random photo. Taken in 2007. Before I let my hair go grey.

Are you getting sick of me uploading photos of me? If you send me a photo of yourself I will upload it instead if you like. Or a photo of your pet. Your car?

So, how has my week been?

Monday:

Went to work. Tired as shit and yawned all day like a fish gasping for oxygen in stagnant water. I cannot even recall if I went to the gym or not. Probably not. I am very mindful now of not exercising when I am over tired, it has a follow on effect the next night and day and not a nice effect at that.

Am now wondering if shit could actually be tired.

Tuesday:

Went to work. But took my meds as I had slept like shite again. Achieved so much in the day it was astonishing. No coffee. No yawning. No 3.00 pm expiration. No almost falling asleep at traffic lights on the way to work. Nor on the way from work. Had great focus and was able to keep on topic during discussions about work related items.

Then left work at 4.00pm, picked up dinner which I cooked. Also put a casserole in the slow cooker and then went to the gym where I did 30 minutes on the treadmill followed by a 3/4 hour TRX class which was hard, sweaty and satisfying.

Today:

Went to work. Not so tired but tired enough to yawn a lot. Got to work at 9.30 am. Fiddled with my paperwork. Made coffee. Answered phone. Read the online newspaper. Fiddled with more paperwork. Made a list of what I had to do and stared at it rather than action it. Kind of actioned it later which means I did two things out of twenty. Made another coffee. Chatted to a work colleague. Then did something akin to work. Had lunch. Went to the bank. Did some paperwork. Played Words with Friends. Also expired by 3.00pm and yawned non stop until I left at 5.00 pm. Drove home in a semi stupor but did not close eyes at the traffic lights. Took Mr Benny for a walk in the dark and came home to plonk. No gym.

How exciting is that?

I am changing a few gym things just to add to the mix of exercise. Double classes now and then. Trying new things. Having breaks between. Listening to my body.

My son recently had a maths test. Earlier this year he had one and did appallingly. Only 23% pass. We found a great tutor who worked wonders and today he got the results for his test and it was 85%. He will be going to her until he finishes high school. I think some students do well with one to one tutoring and my son is like that. With subjects like maths it is easy for children to slip through the cracks.

Hmmmm, what else?

Oh, I have been trying to teach my husband how to shout loudly like I do. I am wondering if the ability to shout loudly is part of the DNA code because he just cannot do it with the same ferocity that I can.

I think if he did a shouting test he would fail miserably. And there are not shouting tutors out there.

I am now of the belief that this post is going nowhere.

So I shall end it here.

No, here.

Wait, how about here?

No.

Hmmm, I think right here is sounding like a good spot to end the post.

Noooo?

Here then?

This is childish.

Goodnight.

Ciao
LC

Saturday 18th May

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sat, 18 May 2013 11:21:00 +0000

Beach track one sunny day a few weeks ago.

I was up early this morning.

It was before 7.00 am and for me that is very early. It's hideous actually. But I had to drive my son to where he was working. K was doing the Saturday morning bike ride otherwise I can tell you that I would have stayed in bed for at least another hour or so.

I had to have a shower and get dressed and ready for the day. I am just not one of those people who is relaxed enough to just throw on a pair of track suit pants and pull my hair back to drop my son off anywhere. It's not my style at all.

We were in a bit of a rush when we left and I had no time to organise lunch for him. However I did make breakfast so at least he had food for energy. After I dropped him off I went up to the bakery and bought some food for him and went back and gave it to him. Later on he told me that it was only enough for morning tea. His job for the day was planting out shrubs and trees at one of the developments we are doing at work so that explained the need for more than the usual amount of nosh.

After I left him at work I went back home to pick up my niece so that we could go to the Farmer's Market which was down near the beach. The weather was a bit overcast and I made the mad choice to leave the umbrella in the car. Bad move. By the time we made it to the market the rain started to fall. Softly but soaking. I pulled the hood up on my jacket in the vain hope of saving my hair which was a great risking of doubling in size like expandafoam.

We had brought Mr Benny with us. He's still such a shite master to walk, although he is improving. I can't blame him though. It's exciting going out when you are an eighteen month old Border Collie. Every time he saw another dog he jerked at the lead. There was a chaotic event at one stall while I was buying over priced bread. He was sitting next to me and when I went to go I noticed that the collar was attached to the lead with no Mr Benny. He had somehow slipped out from the collar and run off to play.

It was pouring with rain, I had my hands full of stuff and Mr Benny was running around the market. I called his name a few times and amazingly he just appeared from about fifty metres away and ran back to me full of joy. Thank goodness he loves me and comes to me when called.

So the market day was cut short due to the rain. But we bought what we needed and drove home to a warm and cosy house.

B made some morning juice from the fruit and vegetables we bought and I cut some slices of spelt bread and spread lovely blackberry jam on them. The kettle was boiling for tea and it was only 9.30 am. I felt as though I had been up all day.

So I read the newspaper. Started writing what I hope to be a short story and managed to get a couple of thousand words done. Did some laundry. Ate bread and had cups of tea.

I had planned to do a body pump class but decided to do it tomorrow instead. Last night I did one after work and a core class and never like to do two body pump classes consecutively, it's not good for the joints. Instead I took Mr Benny for a walk which was good for both of us.

When I got home from the walk it was noted that I had very big hair due to the cold damp nightime air. Quite a come down from my smooth locks from last week's trip to the hairdressers. My niece suggested that I take a selfie and upload it to FB. I refuse to upload a photo of myself with crazy, big hair. Why would I when I can upload a photo of myself with smooth hair?

Speaking of which, below is my fab hair from last Saturday's hairdressing expedition - and that was after I had done a body pump class. I would LOVE to be able to get that look every morning.

Naturally I only upload the good photos. I think the ratio of good photos to bad is truly one to ten. As a rule I either photo really well or really badly. I don't make apologies for uploading photos of myself. On my FB I update the profile picture every couple of weeks. I can look back on each photo and recall exactly what mood I was in, what I was thinking and what I was feeling. It's such an emotional time capsule for me. In some of the photos the expression in my eyes is so readable I find it fascinating.

So, tomorrow is Sunday and nothing much planned.

I might take fifty "selfies" outlining in great detail how one really can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear (with the wonders of hair product, make up and hair dryer).

Although, that much detail may require I get up early and that is not happening.

It's sleep in for me tomorrow.

Ciao
LC

Thursday 16th May

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:39:00 +0000

I had planned to do a body pump class tonight.

After I got back from work I changed and drove the to gym only to find that I had left my wrist tag back at home and would not be able to do the class. So I jumped back in the car and headed back to the warm house.

I was not too bothered. The weather outside was cold and rainy. There is always tomorrow to do a work out.

Today was a good work day. We had a long lunch to celebrate one of the Project Manager's birthday. He turned thirty. It's young isn't it? He started with us when he was about nineteen. Now he is living with a lovely woman and has three kids (one set of twins) and a mortgage. How life changes.

I wrote a poem about him which was very funny (even if I do say so myself) and read it out at the table. It covered his eleven years with us and I targeted some of the funny things that had happened. Everyone was in stitches laughing and when I finished it I gave it to him to keep as a book mark or something.

The lunch was great. Although I was not hungry I managed to eat three courses. That's not hard to do when they are unbelievably delicious. The dessert was liquorice icecream which was something new for me.

We did not get back to work until after 3pm and despite my full stomach I managed to be very productive.

Tonight my son and I are watching "To Kill A Mockingbird". He read the book in English as part of the curriculum and I suggested that it might be good to watch the movie as well. He had seen it when he was younger but the memory of it was very vague.

The book and the film are one of my favourites. No matter how often I see the movie, it always offers something new to me. An extra appreciation of the filmography is one. Seeing how the children never age after so many years is another. Naturally I don't expect them to actually age, I just love seeing those moments in time never change in each scene. When I see that movie I feel like I am little again.

Today for the first time I used a new drug which is to help me with my fatigue due to lack of sleep. It's not one that I will use every day but it certainly made a world of difference to my functioning today. My head was completely clear, I did not yawn once and because I was not tired I was able to focus on my work without any problem. Plus I had no anxiety at all.

I cannot explain just what that means to me to have a day like this. It's a relief and that is an understatement.

One more day at work and then the weekend.

My son is working with my work on Saturday. He is on one of the sites planting out trees and shrubs. Initially he was a bit reluctant and I said that was okay but that he had reached the age where he could not expect his parents to hand over money whenever he wanted something. I also said that if he rejected the opportunity to work that would suggest to me that he was not in need of money anyway.

Which translated to "If you don't work you won't have money".

So he is okay about it all. He has to learn how to work and working a Saturday is a good start.

However, guess who has to drive him to work? Me! I have to have him at the site at 8am on Saturday morning. Ouch. Still, I don't mind, that is what parents do.

So this was Thursday post.

Oh, one more thing. My sister in law uploaded some photos to FB that I had not seen before. They were taken by a friend of my parents.

I thought I may upload them here. The first photo is of the family. We were about to head off to Queensland to live. The second photo is of me and my sister. The third photo is me with my siblings.

All so long ago.

Ciao
LC

Wednesday 15th May

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Wed, 15 May 2013 04:28:00 +0000

Well it is mid week and all is going nicely.

I love it when things just flow. It leaves an imprint in my mind that I always use as a reference point when I feel, um, kooky.

So, when did I last post? Friday? About that. Since then the days have ticked over as they always do.

Saturday I went to the hairdresser's. I know I always wax lyrical about going there but I always have a lovely day. I get there, have coffee, read books (this one in fact), chat to my hairdresser and then leave there with fabulous hair. Then I go for a walk down the busy street, have lunch in a little Japanese cafe and buy delicious cakes to take home to my boys.

What's not to love.

Although, this Saturday was extra special because the weather was so warm. In the middle of what is normally a very cold month (by our standards) we have been getting the most divine sunny days. I feel as though I am in a state of bliss when this happens. It's nothing like a normal hot day. I was inspired to write a poem about it which you can read here (optional of course).

Did I do any exercise? Of course. Went to a body pump class. It is always hard to go to any exercise class when the weather is so wonderful but, you know, it's just better to do it. I always feel great afterwards. Although, you could say something about that joke where the guy hits his head against the wall because it feels so good when he stops.

On the Sunday it was Mother's day here. We did not do anything much. My son had organised a trip into the city with his friends and then offered to cancel it to spend the day with me if I wanted him to. Aw, that was so sweet of him to even say that but I said it was absolutely okay to go out with his friends. He went out for a few hours and then when he came home he had bought me a gift voucher from a shop he knows I love which was so thoughtful of him.

K and I took Mr Benny down to a different dog beach. Mr B loved it. Running this way and that. Played with the dogs. However, he growled and tried to rumble with a puppy and we took him off the beach and went to have a coffee at a lovely beachside cafe nearby. The coffee was great and I shared crumbs of my orange poppy seed cake with him.

Sunday afternoon I was ORGANISED. I baked a cake, made spaghetti bolognaise (enough for three nights) and put a casserole on the slow cooker which basically had the weekly dinner organised for K and S. Then I tidied up and just got things done. I even caught up with a friend for coffee.

On Monday night I did a new class at the gym. It was only thirty minutes but a very high cardio one. Cross Fit. Lots of squats with weights, burpees, mountain climbers, kettle bells and fucked if I know what else because I think I was almost dead after 15 minutes and have blanked out the memory of the rest of it.

Then last night I did another new class called Bosu. A most intense core class which sucked the life out of me but only for a short time. After that I did a Grit class and then decided that was enough. Tempted though I was to do a body pump afterwards I felt that I may be pushing myself a bit much. Sometimes the euphoria of hard exercise leaves me wanting more and the only outcome would be me getting over tired. Tonight I am having a night off. Going to do some more writing and give my body a rest.

My niece came with me to the gym. She spent the whole time on the exercise bike. I don't know how she does that. I go mental after ten minutes on it. I prefer the treadmill.

The weather has now slipped back into the chilly norm. I rugged up this morning when I left the house. The sky was grey with clouds full of rain.

Well, that's this little post done.

Ciao
LC

Friday 10th May

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Fri, 10 May 2013 05:11:00 +0000

I am blogging from work today.

I have had a productive work week, especially after I managed to get a couple of decent night's sleep. Nothing like giant pain killers to help. And I was so tired that my body just did me a favour and bombed. When I do sleep well I realise just how under par I function when sleep deprived. My anxiety levels drop to manageable levels and just hum in the background instead of roaring like a train inside my chest and head. Dammit, if I slept well every night I would be so much more productive.

My work is organised so that I don't have to be in at any time early. Usually I arrive at about 9.30am. Any earlier would be a big ask because I am always, without fail, terribly tired in the morning. That is irrespective of a good or bad night's sleep. I have never been bright and chirpy in the morning. So, I get to work feeling very tired and tackle things that require not much thinking, phone calls, emails, spreadsheet work etc.. I organise the work load so that high thinking or stressful items are dealt with between 11am and 2pm. That is my insane window of opportunity to get an abnormal amount of work processed. When I have a very bad run of sleep it requires great effort to work at that pace and I end up mentally wrecked when I get home.

I am soon to try some medication to help me out on the bad days. Bad days being those ones where I don't sleep and don't function well. They may or may not help but it's worth a try.

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table and realised that I yawned about thirty times in an hour. I do that at work as well when I am fatigued. Then I wondered if the yawning was not, in fact, just a habit. However since I have had two nights sleep I am back to normal yawn, so maybe not.

Yawn is a weird word when it is written or spoken more than a few times in a short space.

So, this week we have had dreamy weather again. The other day on the way home from work I stopped at the beach and quickly took some photos to put on Instagram. It's too, too lovely to resist the bay on a sunny day. The way I drive home from work sometimes affords me lovely views and some sort of peacefulness as I drive along listening to music.

I have exercised every night this week and feel fit again, in a normal fit kind of way. The Oxfam walk is a distant memory in my body and mind. However, my black toenails are going to be reminders until they fall off in a few months.

This weekend I am going to the hairdressers. Oh, my most favourite way to spend a Saturday morning. Look fab when I leave and read trashy magazines while I am there. My hairdresser always has some delicious home made treat her mother has made. It's great.

I was going to exercise tonight but may just walk the dog. The idea of doing burpees, chest presses and weird plyometric exercises does not appeal to me today. My body is a bit sore from heavy weights last night so something more relaxed might be advisable. Besides, Mr Benny needs a walk more than I need to challenge my pelvic floor.

Oh, look, it's 3pm and I just remembered a few things need doing.

Back to work.

Ciao
LC

Sunday 5th May

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sun, 05 May 2013 09:53:00 +0000

Sunday evening again.

I thought I may upload a couple of photos of me from today. I actually made the time to go out in the studio to finish a painting. However, I was not in a good head place. That is putting it mildly. I have had a run of shite sleep and that always goes with a change in mood.

I cannot explain what this type of mood feels like except to say that it is very stressful for me to navigate and now that I am post menopausal it seems more of a challenge. My anxiety levels are sky high and my thinking is different. It has been building up over a week or so. I often feel like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where he is running from the rolling ball at the opening scene. I'm running and it's coming. Never fails to take me by surprise with how fast it comes on.

So, there I was painting away but not "feeling" it. The only thing I felt was anxious, frail and kind of hostile to the outside world. Fortunately I am not a person who infects other people when I am in that mood. I just try to harness it - or bottle it up.

Anyway, paint, paint and paint. Take some photos. Read some books. Paint again. Mood is increasing the pressure in my head which is making it hard for me to focus.

At a certain point I could feel the indicators of a melt down building up so I started focusing on my breathing and where my mind was at. The pressure intensified and then something about the painting just triggered a melt down and I stabbed it. More than once actually. Completely shredded it. Then left the studio and went into the house where it took another ten minutes to calm down enough to talk.

What was funny (in hindsight) is that the photos of me over the two or three hours of painting so clearly showed that I was in a mood. Perhaps I should have checked out the photos and made the decision to leave the studio and go out for lunch.

I uploaded the photo below with the question "what does the expression on my face say?"

My niece said to me it was a "hide the knives" expression.

It would be funny were it not true.

Do I feel better now? Kind of. Pretty tired in my head. Fatigued. Overwhelmed.

I suppose I should be considering therapy talk.

However, I am going to bake a cake and have a cup of tea instead.

Those two things make sense to me without fail.

Ciao
LC

Friday 3rd May

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Fri, 03 May 2013 11:02:00 +0000

End of the week.

A five day week at that.

After two short working weeks this week was very, very busy. When you work for a smaller business there is nobody there to do your work when you have days off. So this week I basically had to find a way to do eight days work in five days. Everyone is busy at work. While I was at my brothers doing bookwork tonight I got a phone call from one of the Project Managers who was still in the office working away.

My boss and his wife are going through marriage problems although he does not know it yet. Some of the things that his wife has said just ring warning bells to me. When your wife tells you that she is lonely or that she is sick of certain things in the life you share, well, you don't say "what are you talking about, you have lots of friends" and you don't say "well, if you don't like the way things are then perhaps we should not be together".

I am very careful what I say when his wife talks to me. You don't want to get caught up in the negativity factor and get that ball rolling. So I said something about her husband being under stress and resorting to reactive responses to her words. Sometimes people do get quite mean when there is a lot of financial stress. But really, unless he makes definite changes within the marriage I do think things will get untidy in a few years.

So, what has been happening this week in my world.

On Tuesday night I decided to do two hours of hard gym work. It consisted of a thirty minute high cardio/weights session, treadmill and then body pump. During the first bout of exercise I realised I was not feeling very well. My heart rate was so high (198) at one point and for the last six minutes of the class I did think I was going to vomit. It took a long time for my recovery and I had to modify my body pump weights as I was a bit concerned about my stamina.

Oxfam friend R was doing body pump as well and she took my pulse which was still racing and asked if I was anxious. By then I was. Once that high anxiety kicks in it takes a while to settle down.

Later on I got home and naturally visited Dr Google. Fortunately I am a person who likes to gather information and draw the most reasonable conclusion. After eliminating a vast array of many disorders, diseases and illnesses on offer I narrowed it down to a few things.

I was fatigued both through bad sleep and the after affects from the Oxfam walk
I had drunk too much coffee that day and was overloaded with caffeine
I had not eaten enough
I had not rehyrdated enough before exercising

However, I will bring it up next time I go to the doctors. I am middle aged now so must be mindful.

The next evening I had planned to go to my brothers to do his book work but my body said no and for a change my head listened. I just plonked at home and did very little. Sometimes you have to rest.

Anyway, Thursday I was back at pump class. Tomorrow I am doing a couple of classes. But they are only half an hour each. I think I may be addicted to exercise - just a bit. My niece is joining the gym tomorrow. She has discovered the benefits of exercise and spin classes. It's great for her chronic fatigue - weird as that may sound.

I had my car serviced today. What drag that is to organise. Make the phone call, get someone to take you to work afterwards, then get them to pick you up and take you back to pick up the car. Then have to listen to husband go on about how much it costs and that the dealership is a rip off blah blah blah. My car, my choice of places to service it. I like getting my little Mazda serviced at the dealership. It is still under warranty and I do not want to take it to some dirty mechanics workshop and have my car get grease on the seat and floor. At the dealership everything is nice and clean. The target market is no doubt women, it looks so inviting in the waiting area.

My niece drove me to work but on the way we stopped and had breakfast at a very funky cafe not far from home. It was so delicious and I was so hungry. What a great combination that is. When we got to work B came up to see my "work pad" and met one of my work colleagues. After she left he commented that she and I were very alike in body language and the way we spoke. This is what happens when people share a home, they start to act alike.

It's very enjoyable heading into a weekend of no training. I think I said that last week but I have to say it again. And I shall probably mention it once or twice again.

Tonight my niece asked me if I had ever tried healthy chocolate. I asked how you could have those two words together when when describing chocolate.

Anyway, she gave me some and it was a bit strange at first. In fact, to be honest, it was a bit disgusting but I persevered and B said "you get used to it" and then told me not to eat it if I did not really like it as it was very expensive. I ate it. Chocolate has to be awful for me not to eat it. This one is sweetened with agave. No dairy. However, it's calorie loaded compared to normal chocolate so I stopped eating after three squares. You can't win.

The photo I have uploaded today is just one of those nice "coffee" moments that I had with my niece a couple of weeks ago. In Melbourne we are a bit obsessed with coffee and there are coffee shops everywhere. There is this idea that the more tattoos a Barista has the better the coffee. Not sure that is true but it seems as though tattoos do feature a lot with them.

I'v run out of things to say.

I am just rambling.

I might go and read some more of a book.

Or I might not.

Ciao
LC

Sunday 28th April

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 09:18:00 +0000

Oh, the weekend is almost over and I really want another five days off. I feel as though I have just started to relax.

On Friday I was back at the gym. Body pump class, treadmill and then a core class which meant two hours of exercise after a break. Sounds hard but I used light weights and concentrated on my form so I was not tired out. This is going to be a regular Friday night exercise habit as it ends the work week nicely.

Saturday K, S and I went clothes shopping for S. We were going out in the evening and his cargo pants and t-shirts were unacceptable dress code for where we were going. Not only that, it has been at least two years since my son has been shopping and he looked untidy and scruffy. Well, when we bought his clothes and he came home and put them on I just could not believe how different he looked now. He is a young man. It was such a beautifully painful thing in my heart. It's hard to explain. I love seeing him growing up and being his own person but somewhere deep inside me is the feeling that he is my baby and always will be.

When we were at the shopping centre and had made the purchase my son asked if we were going home and I said "yeah, kind of". To which he replied "Can we go into about fifteen different shops on the way out and look at everything over and over and then come out with nothing?". I said "Why would you want to do that?". He said "Well, you do". Aaaarrrggggh. He's right. We went straight home.

On Saturday night we went to see the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra perform Beethoven Symphony No. 9. It's a great big piece of music and they did it so well. It was wonderful to go out and do something like that. S enjoyed it but I have to confess that I was a bit tired and my eyes closed a few times and I think I yawned every fifteen minutes.

Today I was back at the gym. Oh, feeling so normal. I don't know what else I did. Food shopping, reading the newspaper, finished off a book, did some laundry and was on the internet. Just the usual nice and relaxing activities.

Now back to a five day work week.

My holiday bubble has burst.

Boo hoo.

Ciao
LC

25th April, 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 11:03:00 +0000

Today is a public holiday.

It's Anzac Day. The day when we remember Australian and New Zealand soldiers who fought on the beaches of Gallipoli ninety eight years ago. It was a tragic outcome for all sorts of reasons.

I always feel a bit uncomfortable when people feel the need to have an anti war agenda on Anzac Day. Especially when it is via FB. I don't like war. I don't like when men and woman die during wars. Nobody does. But I do think that it is important to acknowledge those who have fought in wars (whether pointless ones or not) because to do otherwise is to negate those people somehow.

A lot of people turned up at the dawn service in Melbourne. When I was very young I used to go to it and there would have been no more than one thousand people around. One morning I went to go and could not get a car park nearby and that was the last time. Now I think about fifty thousand people turn up.

When K was a young man he travelled all through Europe and Asia. He went to visit Gallipoli but nobody in Turkey knew what he was talking about. It was just some random beach with a gruesome history. These days tens of thousands make the pilgrimage to there.

When things become popular they lose their purity or integrity. I can't explain why I say that but it's just how it feels to me.

This morning I was up at a good time and very organised. Baked a most delicious cake as the Oxfam girls were coming over for morning tea. We had to finalise the fund raising raffle and donations. All had recovered. The other three had already been back at the gym but I am not back until tomorrow. Even if I had felt up to going I could not have as on Tuesday I had to go to parent/teacher interviews and last night was book club.

Not only that, I have a very painful hip flexor and ITB injury on my right leg. It had been niggling for a couple of weeks before the walk and gave me great pain on the day. Now it's just a case of me resting it, stretching and doing some exercises to help it recover. On Saturday I will have to get a massage which I hate but know I have to do or it is going to just get worse.

Tomorrow is a day off work for me. Most people will take the day off. Here in Australia, any opportunity for a long weekend cannot be ignored. The weather is going to be lovely so I intend to enjoy it. My body pump class is not until 5.15pm and after that I have a Core class. I cannot wait to get back into it. I don't feel my best when not exercising and the whole deep seated fear of putting on weight is starting to create a pressure in my head and chest. I am using all my "therapy tools" to keep it from turning into an irrational monster.

Well, that is my little post.

And now time for a cup of tea.

Ciao
LC

Monday 22nd April

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 11:35:00 +0000

On Friday I finally did that big walk.

It was a cool day but the sun was shining.

As it was our last walk together we splashed out on matching tops.

We kept our pace slow to pace ourselves. Because Fe had dropped out last year she was wanting very much to finish this one so the best thing to do was conserve energy at this part of the walk.

We found out that the average age of a person who does the trail walk is 38. The people who are most likely to drop out are the younger ones.

At the second check point we sat down for lunch and changed into our warmer clothes. Check point three was going to be in the dark and very cold.

I had two layers of thermals on and still felt the chill in the air. Boredom was creeping in at this point.

Below at check point three is where things were beginning to change. At this point we had done 35 km's and were feeling a bit fatigued. But that was nothing. While we were there a few ambulances could be seen racing by. We wondered if someone had been injured in the dark. As we checked out we were told not to use the Kokoda steps as there had been a medical emergency. We used the uphill track instead. Not that it bothered us as we had chosen not to train on the steps anyway.

As we got to the top of the hill there were four ambulances parked nearby and walkers were being directed around the area. Sadly we found out that a 42 year old man had died of a heart attack while going up the steps. It was shocking to hear that.

It was this part of the track that had been changed since the last walk. When we trained on it we noted how much harder it was. Steeper incline for a long time. This was another reason we were very mindful about keeping our pace fairly even leading up to it. We never trained on the steps as I found them really unpleasant to climb.

After this unfortunate and sad episode we continued on the check point four. I experienced a bad reaction to the sports drink I had and was ill for most of this section. I spent a lot of time dry retching which was not much fun. In fact, at one point I knew that if I did not improve at the next check point I would have to drop out. There was no way I could have continued. My head was dizzy, I was white in the face and the dry retching and nausea was making things very difficult.

Not only that, I was also irrational and not wanting to talk unless I had to. Actually, I was a bitch. I was hungry in that "feed me or I will hit you" kind of way as I had not been able to eat much at the check point because my stomach was churning. So we kept a little distance between myself and the others. It was not helped when I tripped over something and face planted into the ground. Fe offered to help me up and I said "don't touch me" to which one of the others said "does that mean we can't laugh at you".

But I did recover in the end and we headed off into the dark bushland and the freezing cold. I now had three layers of thermal gear, a puffy vest, wind proof gortex jacket and pants, cashmere scarf, beanie and gloves and still it took ages to warm up. The problem was, when we were walking on the track without too much exertion things were cosy. When we went up a hill and started using the body more, it was roasting under the layers. I could not take off any of the clothes because within five minutes I would be cold again and have to put things back on. So my body kept going from nice and warm to stinking hot.

At check point five we were extremely tired. It was about 4.00 am I think. Lots of people were dropping out at this point. There were complaints about the change in the track and how it brought fatigue on earlier than last year. We had a hot chocolate, attended to our feet and headed off to check point six which would bring us to about the 72 km mark. It's at this point we all took out our music and walked without talking for three hours.

As the sun started to rise I took photos of the track and uploaded them to FB. I had my iPad mini with me which was great as my mobile phone battery had died long ago.

We arrived at check point six feeling very tired. It was here that H dropped out. She said she was over it and did not need to prove anything to anyone at all. We understood. H has been under pressure at work and in different areas of her life so this walk was the least of her problems.

Plenty of other walkers also dropped out at this check point.

It was here the Fe wanted to drop out too but changed her mind after some discussion. I said that it was okay to be tired and we could go slowly for her. R and I were also tired so she was not alone in that. Her problem was that she had painful blisters but we told her to just bandage them up and deal with it. And she did.

The three of us left there and started the long and boring walk to check point seven. The check point before the final section.

It was a long and uncomfortable walk. This was another part of the track that had been changed. Instead of variations in the surface and a good mix of incline and decline, there was a continuous stretch of flatness which is very hard on already fatigued joints.

Thank goodness for the iPod. I listened to music a lot and that diverted my thoughts of "I want to go home NOW".

At check point seven we had to give Fe a pep talk to get her up the last 6.7 km's. She wanted to stop then and there but just pushed through the pain. My argument was that it was okay to be tired but not a good enough reason to drop out. Injuries are one thing. I would always put the welfare of my body first and had I been injured in a way that would get worse then I would not hesitate to pull out. But tiredness and muscle fatigue is short term and will be almost gone after a good night's sleep. It would be awful to give up for those reasons and then regret it the next day.

And really, to get the this stage and drop out was not an option.

It took three gob smacking shiteful hours to do the 6.7 km's. It was freezing and darkness fell quickly as we started the climb. Pitch black except for our head torches. The trees around us were creaking and groaning in the winds. My legs were aching. Everywhere was kind of achey. Not from lack of fitness, just from fatigue. Even my arms hurt. It was the lactic acid monster at work. The pain kind of moved around. I was smothered in anti inflammatory cream which helped a lot. But really, it's abnormal to be walking this far without sleep. I thought about what it must be like to be a soldier carrying a huge back pack for miles and then having to fight a battle at the end of it.

This section had one particularly unpleasant section of downhill which went for about 2.5 km's. My right knee was so, so unhappy about it and I was very mindful of looking after each step. At my age I am so aware of the consequences of an injury. Not only would it take a long time to heal, I would be out of action during that time.

People often think that uphill is harder than downhill but it isn't it unless you are a kid. When we got to the steep hill it was such a relief. The pain almost disappeared and we went up relatively quickly.

And we finished it. Most importantly, Fe finished it and was so very pleased she did so. R and I were so happy for her.

The next morning I woke up with the realisation that I no longer had to think of doing that walk. It's done now.

I spent the day taking it easy. My son and I went for a walk up the street with Mr Benny - slowly. We had some lunch, did some grocery shopping and headed back home. I read a book, the newspaper, did some laundry, changed the bed linen and pottered around.

Today I am almost recovered. My toes are sore and I expect to lose my toenails - again. This evening I was going to go for a walk with my niece but we only got half way up the street when I said that I had to head back as I was still too fatigued to do much. I expect to hold off any exercise until Friday. My body needs a rest.

So, that is it for me. Funnily enough, R no longer wants to do that particular walk either. Her words were "It broke me". She had wanted to drop out a couple of times but could not let herself give in.

Then she mentioned about doing the one in New Zealand (her homeland) next year and I said that was a great idea and promised to donate some money to her team when she did it.

'Cos there is no way known I am walking 100km's again.

But I am glad to have had the experience of doing three. It's been good for many reasons. Raising money for a good cause. Enjoying friendships. Keeping fit.

Now it's time for new things.

Ciao
LC

Zombie

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 02:35:00 +0000

I am so tired today at work. I feel like a zombie.

Last night I slept very poorly, maybe two hours in total. I wonder if it could be because I did not exercise. I was up early to make my son breakfast before he headed out to work. Then I went back to bed and just dozed before dragging myself up to get to work.

Now I have just done squat.

I have to resist the urge to ring the foreman to see how my son is going on the work site.

Is he being careful? Did I give him enough to eat? Is he enjoying himself?

Oh, look, it is time for lunch.

I might drag myself into the kitchen and eat.

Then go back to the desk and stare into space.

Ciao
LC

Tuesday 16th April

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 11:28:00 +0000

An early week post is in order because I am not at a body pump class tonight as I feel a bit unwell with a sore throat and head ache. Were I not mindful of the walk on Friday I would have taken pain killers and just gone. I felt incredibly guilty about not going as though I would wake up tomorrow and be twice my normal weight and have regressed in my fitness by ten years.

Last night I did a new class called Ballet Barre or something like that. Never in my life have I had the urge to be a ballet dancer but I do like the idea of looking like one (bit late for that dream to be fulfilled). However, that is not why I went to the class. It is part of the new upgrade of our gym and I had the idea that it would be an easy thing to do as I have to keep things low key in the lead up to the walk. No idea how I came to that conclusion in my head because when I got there it was quite the opposite.

Firstly, the class was not a 30 minute class as I had thought, it was an hour. I was not the only person to think that and so the trainer dropped the class back to 45 minutes as some of the participants had to leave. Of that I am grateful because it was one of the hardest classes I have done for ages. There was so much intense concentrated muscle work that my arse cheeks burned like fire the entire time. As did my thighs. It was enough to make me sweat for the full 45 minutes.

I (and the others) also looked like complete dorks as we stood by the barre doing things on our toes and weird squats and leg lifts that caused great pain. We also had the enjoyment of being able to face ourselves in a giant wall to ceiling mirror. Although the room is small and only people doing the actual classes are in it, it does have a glass door through which people intermittently peered through and watched us point our toes. When I got out of the class there was a message on my phone that said "You're such a hot ballerina" from one of the Oxfam girls who was at the gym doing a spin class.

After the class I walked out on trembling legs. It did not help that I had done a 6km brisk walk prior to that. Despite that, I will be back next Monday to do it again. I mean, if it hurts it must be good. Right?

This week my son is doing work experience with me. He spent yesterday in the office doing all my filing. It was great. I only had to explain things once to him and then he did it. In the afternoon he was downstairs cleaning up the archive room and restocking first aid containers and getting site boxes ready for use.

Today was some more office work. Then he was down stairs tagging tools. All tools have to have leads checked as part of health and safety rules. My son decided that was the most boring of jobs so far - a sentiment shared by every person who has had the misfortune of being assigned that duty.

Tomorrow morning he is on a few different work sites and is being picked up from home at 6.30 am in the morning. I would laugh about that but I will be up to make breakfast for him. As his mother I can hardly send him off underfed! I know he is going to be helping out with demolition work and digging trenches so I expect him to be rather tired when he gets home.

While he has been at work I have made a great effort just to explain to him how things are to be done and the reasons we do them that way. I only checked on his progress now and then. Last thing I want to be is his "mother" at work.

On the way to work on Monday he had to come with me to the supermarket to pick up the week's food for work. I made him scan and bag everything at the check out - something he NEVER does with me as a rule. When we got to work and stocked the fridge and pantry he said that the food at work was so much better than at home. The food situation at work is always fabulous on Monday. By Thursday the cupboards are bare.

And finally we have set dates for our holiday. It's a Winter holiday. December. Brrrrrr! We will be spending Christmas overseas and I will be celebrating my 50th birthday in the UK with friends in Salisbury. Although a few people here have expressed a bit of disappointment about me not being around on the auspicious day, I will have a get together later in January. Most people are never around anyway on my birthday, it is such an inconvenient time of year.

I have just baked a cake and the kitchen smells delicious.

S did request a chocolate cake, however due to the fact he ate all the cooking chocolate I am afraid he is having tea cake that is made with wholemeal flour.

Not quite the same but at least it is home made!

Ciao
LC

Sunday 14th April

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 09:37:00 +0000

It's been a busy week. Nothing new about it. Just busy. Work is the same but I am in a good frame of mind so very easy going and relaxed. Bossman's wife said how it was so great to see me in "Linda" mode and how different it was.

One of the project manager's has a partner and three children under the age of four. The two little ones are twins. His wife has a myriad of problems. An auto immune thing that affects her blood. Her thyroid stopped functioning and she had to have medication for that. Last year she was in hospital with pneumonia for two weeks.

She has a serious eating disorder and is currently in her third bout of anorexia.

Her body processes medication so quickly that she has to have higher doses of what is needed. It's very complicated and very difficult for her, a 28 year old woman, to navigate.

The project manager is a very good person for her. He is hands on with the children, caring, understanding, patient and loves her. Of that there is no doubt. Bossman puts his own values on every one else and thinks that the only reason that the project manager stays with her is because he cannot get out (kids, mortgage etc.), but you know, that is not true.

Bossman is kind but shallow, which is fine as you cannot have the entire population being naval gazing anxious sorts. Nothing would get done.

Anyway, the other day Bossman and I were discussing her progress and Bossman said something that really showed a bit of depth to him. He said "AG (project manager's partner) just has to find a way to accept how she is and to accept her health issues so that she can live with some peace. And people around her need to know and support her and let her be herself. Like you with your depression and mood swings. We all know you and accept it and just work with you. It takes a while".

I was very touched when he said this. And then, because I live in my own head and body and only know me, what exactly was he accepting? What did he see?

Oh, yes, of course. My office tantrums. My long and ranting emails. My swearing in the office. My throwing paper at him. My bleak silences. My refusal to answer phones. Blah blah.

Very glad to work where I work. Otherwise I would have to get another company to "accept me" just the way I am.

Below are some photos of my son when he was a little boy. It was 2004 and we went up to a place in Winter to have a play in the snow. This place was for cross country skiing and tobogganing. My son was expecting big mountains and had visions of himself skiing like a pro.

He was quite okay at the beginning of the day.

When he realised that there would be no whizzing down a giant mountain his demeanour changed.

In fact, he was a right little shit.

Initially K and I tried to jolly him up a bit. His mood deepened. I threw a snowball at him which was met with a look of death. There was no malice in the snowball throw. I thought it would cheer him up. Upon reflection, I understand why he was pissed off I did that. If someone threw a snowball at me when I was in a mood I would be most unimpressed.

Then on the way to the cafe some snow fell on his head from the cafe roof and I did the unthinkable and laughed.

When I look at this photo I cannot help but smile at his patent disgust with me.

The place where we stayed near the snow was wiped out in bushfires a few years later. Funny to think that an entire town disappeared.

This week my gym added some new whizz bang classes. I went to one on Thursday. The name of it is GRIT. It was thirty minutes of high energy and high weights. I wear a heart monitor and my details are up on a screen so that I can watch my heart rate and try to get into the red zone. After the class I did half an hour on the treadmill and then a body pump class. The next day I was on a high and on Saturday morning I could hardly move. I can understand how people get addicted to the gym. If I were single I would spend every evening there for hours on end.

Yesterday we went to my brother's for lunch. My older sister was there with her husband. She and I have a tense relationship at times but it is getting better. I know she is none too happy about her daughter living at my house. But I did say to her that not many people want to be living with their mother's at the age of 33 so perhaps she should think about that rather than how she feels.

While we were having lunch Mr Benny ran around madly with my brother's two dogs. They live on an acre block so lots of running was to be had. I had planned to walk home from my brother's as part of training. It is about a 10km walk so not too far. I changed into my gym gear and decided that Mr Benny could come with.

So, off I went up long road. Past the house with the two horses in the front yard, past the house with the two cows in the vegetable garden, past the house with the long wire fence behind which two yappy dogs ran and Mr Benny walked beside me and sniffed the grass happily.

I was less than one kilometre from my brother's when Mr Benny suddenly stopped. He would not walk any further than a couple of metres without sitting. I stopped and looked down at him and he just lay on the ground. I was concerned and sat next to him. Gave him some water. He would not lift his head. Just lay there panting heavily.

I rang my husband and said that he had to come and pick us up as I thought Mr Benny was injured.

Mr Benny and I sat on the wide grass verge and I went over his legs and hips with my hands. Checked his paws. Opened his mouth and looked inside - not sure what for, but just did. He lay there like a black and white rag doggy. I began to worry that perhaps he had been bitten by a snake at my brother's. I felt teary and buried my face into Mr Benny's furry neck. His eyes were half open, tongue lolling out and chest heaving madly.

I wondered where the nearest animal hospital was. I hoped they could find out what was wrong.

It took ages for K to arrive and when we did Mr Benny perked up as bright as a button and leapt into the back seat like a bullet.

I then realised that the PLONKER Mr Benny was not sick. He was TIRED.

Once he was in that car he was happy as could be.

So we went home with Mr Lazy dribbling in the car (that's the dog, not me).

I had to do my 8km walk when I got home. Mr Lazy just lay around the house.

This morning I was up early to do a body pump class. I loathe morning exercise but sometimes it has to be done. It was a 9.00am class so I suppose that is not that early, it just feels early to my body. I had to have a coffee beforehand to fire me up. It was a hard exercise and I was sorely tempted to drop my weights for each section but resisted. The class was full. I enjoyed myself once I was done.

I think there are people there who are obsessed with exercise. No matter which class I go to, they are there. Now, that does sound like I am there all the time too, but sometimes when I change what days I go I will see the same people there. Any day of the week. Unless we are syncing our body pump classes there is no way that is a coincidence. One girl in particular is just getting smaller and smaller. She is so thin and uses bigger weights than I do. I can see by the lack of muscle in her body that she is running on empty. It's just sheer will that is pushing up those big weights. This morning I was behind her as she made her way up the stairs to the gym area. Her frailness was palpable.

It's not good to see but there is nothing one can say because she would not see it.

In the afternoon K and I met up with the Oxfam team to organise the support crew for the Friday walk. In my head I was just thinking "this time next week it is over" and I drank tea and coffee and ate cake while everyone talked about what was going to happen.

So four days of work and then Friday is the big walk.

I just asked my son what good things he had to say about me.

1: You let me go on the computer and Xbox

2: You make nice cakes

3: You gave me good life skills

4: You care about the way you look and dress

5: You are a good cook

I asked what bad things about me he would say:

1: You like squeeze pimples

2: You ask "how does this look" and then change any way even when I say it looks decent.

That was it.

Then he asked who decides how a mother should be. He went on to say that apart from the obvious stuff, who can say what is a good or bad mother, it's all based on opinion anyway.

There is a lot to learn from teenagers.

And dogs.

Next time I am to tired to do something I am going to lie down with my tongue hanging out. It worked for Mr Benny.

Ciao

Sunday 7th April

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 09:41:00 +0000

With just under two weeks to go before I do THAT 100km walk, today was a perfect day for training along the beach.

We did a 20km walk which is, for us, is nice and easy. The weather was exquisite, if a little hot. It's hard to believe we are in Autumn. The beach was dotted with people enjoying the last few days of this glorious weather. I almost wished that I were one of those down below who were lying on their towels under the sunshine. I think it has been a lifetime since I did that.

I often imagine I would like to lie on the beach and just be still. Close my eyes and listen to the water, the sound of fellow beach goers and the distant sound of traffic. But the reality is, I could not sooner sit on the beach for very long than do a cart wheel. I am a bit inclined to boredom when in one spot for too long. Unless I am asleep or at work. Oh, or on a long haul flight which requires great patience. Better still, a large sleeping tablet.

I am very lucky to live near the bay and to be able to go and enjoy the tracks along the edge. Today was very busy with people. Of course, it does not look busy in the photo. Why, you would almost think I was alone here.

When I was small and had trips to the seaside, I would always dread the walk back up to the car. It was always up some sandy track or steep set of stairs. I would trudge up slowly carrying my towel and resenting the heat, the sand on my feet and the salty tightness of my skin. The car was always so hot inside, chrome belt buckles burning hot and the vinyl seats waiting to burn my bare thighs.

Not today though. Just a lovely walk up the steps.

Now and then we stop to have a drink. Two of us are always ahead so now and then we have to wait for the other two to catch up. I take most of the photos. I am of the belief that you can never have too many photos. Unfortunately, that means I have thousands of photos on my lap top and not in albums. I back them up all the time - just in case.

But now and then I will get someone to take a photo of me. I am not keen on having my photo taken in my lycra. It's not, well, the most glamorous of outfits when appearing on a middle aged woman. But that's okay.

In the distance a rain cloud could be seen. By now the air was cooler.

We finished the walk around 2.00 pm or so. When I got home I ate out the fridge and pantry. Then at 4.00 pm I went and did a body pump class. It was hard work for me as my legs were very fatigued from the morning walk (and a big walk I did on my own last night). A few times I wondered if I was going to vomit from all the lactic acid in my muscles. At the end of the class I had nothing left to give and headed home to have a shower.

As hard as exercise can be, there is something very satisfying about it all. By doing exercise I am able to have a reasonably good relationship with my body. It's not really a part of me, in that my head and my body are still not on particularly friendly terms, but it is the vehicle by which I move around in this world so I treat it as such. I look after it and value its worth. To me, the human body is a great work of biological art and I am amazed by what it does and how it functions. I think that my practical attitude towards my body is much better than being at odds with it and loathing it which was always a problem up until a few years ago.

Not sure if my therapist would agree on my approach. I think he said something about acceptance and all that blah blah. I most likely rolled my eyes and put that bit of information out of my head.

Before I go I think I will make a note of a brief conversation that I had with my son on Friday night.

We were heading out to a pantomime that was being held by a small theatre company. The daughter of a friend was performing in it.

Anyway, my son was ready to go and we had the following dialogue;

Mother: S, do you want to put some hair product in your hair.

Son: No, I will never put hair product in my hair.

Mother: Why not? (I ask this question because I am a hair product whore)

Son: Because I don't want to look like I have sperm in my hair.

Mother: What? What? Do I look like have sperm in my hair?

Son: Yes, you do look like you have sperm in your hair?

Mother: I can't believe that you answered that question like that?

Son: I can't believe that you asked the question that deserved that answer.

Conversation ended at that point due to laughter. Besides, there really was nowhere to go with that dialogue.

As it was, we enjoyed the pantomime (Alice in Wonderland). Even S enjoyed it. Something lovely about amateur theatre. It's very engaging and gives people a great chance to be involved in stage work.

Last night daylight savings came to an end. Oh, it's such a sorry thing when that happens. Now my evening walks will be in the dark. Not that I mind that much. Something very sensory about walking in the evening.

Hey, I read my April star sign forecast the other day (yes, yes, I shamefully do read that crap) and it happened to say that after April 19th my life would see me getting into my creativity and taking on many personal interests for the rest of the year. It went on for ages and was very pleasing.

Now, I just want to say, don't you think it's funny how the Oxfam walk is on the 19th April. So, not saying it is true but, really, truly, don't you sometimes think there is something to be said for star signs?

No?

Yes?

Have I just embarrassed myself by confessing to reading horoscopes?

Well, get this bit of information....

I am a typical Capricorn.

That's my personality type.

So there.

Ciao
LC

Tuesday 2nd April

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 11:53:00 +0000

I made a crap dinner tonight.

Tried to pass off a bolognese sauce as meat. But it consisted of micro protein, tomato, onion, garlic and whatever else I could put in there.

It was quite pleasant in a tomatoey kind of way and I was so sure that my son would have no idea of the deceit.

So he sits down and starts eating it.

Son: What is wrong with this?

Mother stays very relaxed in appearance despite the internal tensing up with the realisation that her evil trick may about to be unveiled.

Mother: I don't know. It's just pasta sauce.

Son: No, no, there is something wrong about it.

He takes another mouthful. Mother crosses her fingers and hopes he will "like" the food.

Mother: You have a cold, maybe that is changing the taste of it.

Son looks at mother with pained expression.

Son: I can't eat this. It really is disgusting.

Mother: Ok, it's that mushroom micro protein stuff.

Son: What? That is shit. Honestly, how can you try to pass that stuff off as meat? It takes like shit.

Mother: Really? I quite liked it.

Father steps in to give advice to son.

Father: You have seen what your mother drinks each morning haven't you?

(It's a juice made up of beetroot, carrot, Tuscan cabbage, spinach, apple and celery - just liquified).

Son: Oh, yeah. You can't trust someone who likes that first thing in the morning.

I was then duly informed that the only way my son wanted to ingest protein was via an animal product.

Hmmmm.

Mr Benny was not too fussed having the sauce mixed with his dried dog food.

Really, there's no pleasing some people.

Ciao

Easter Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 08:30:00 +0000

Oh, boo hoo. The last day of my Easter break.

Yesterday K and I went to Tyabb Packing House which is a big antique centre about an hour from where we live. K had cabin fever and needed to get out of the house and just go somewhere else. For the first time the two of us went there without S. He made it very clear that as happy as he was to spend the day with us he just did not want to go there.

It was kind of funny to be without him. As K and I sat down to have something to eat in the busy cafe, I could not help but making a note of how many "older" couples there were without children. Lots of parents with young kids and then people like K and I where the kids are now teenagers and doing their own thing.

It's what happens I suppose. And so it should happen. The natural progression of childhood is to want to spend less time with parents and more time with friends or, in the case of S, more time on the Xbox.

We meandered around the place. Lots of interesting things to buy but I ended up getting fifty glass syringe ampules which I intend to use for some assemblage work once I have done the Oxfam walk.

Oh, and I also bought a rather cute hat. Unfortunately I ended up with "hat hair" which is one of the down sides of wearing hats. But I think it is nice to have a hat to wear out when it is cold. As opposed to a beanie which is not quite as fetching.

We had a cup of coffee in a restored train carriage. I would love to have an old train carriage in my back yard. In fact, I would live in a modified train carriage.

Today I went into the city and met up with my niece who is house sitting someones apartment while they are overseas. The flat is in an old art deco building.

You know, there is something that seems very appealing about living in a city apartment. But really, unless you are in a very good apartment it can be pretty depressing. The one B was in was a reasonable size but lacked decent natural light. The corridors leading up to it smelt of food cooking which was a bit unpleasant.

I asked B how was she enjoying city living and she said it was pretty lonely. Because she can only work two days a week it leaves five days to keep herself occupied and getting home to an empty, two bedroom place in the city after the work force has left the streets was a bit boring .

Still, it is only for another ten days and B is very good at keeping social and busy.

We had lunch and then walked around the city looking at groovy clothes shops down hidden laneways. It is an interesting thing spending time with someone who is much younger than yourself. You realise how very, very out of touch you are with what is the happening thing. Or how things have changed in fifteen years or so.

It's easy to slip into a small world of existence. I go to work, come home, go to gym. I might venture out further afield now and then but, overall, my world has become very small. It happens quite by accident. I left a job in corporate, had a baby and started working for a small business. Time gets taken up with raising a child and then, bingo, I am now about to turn fifty and my world consists of not much.

It does not matter that I know what is going on via the internet, reading newspapers, talking to others, watching the news or reading the latest magazine. These are all just static items that I absorb from some small space in my home. Actually being in the city and walking around places I had not been for years was an eye opener. Hidden cafes down once deserted alleyways. Trendy shops on the third floor of some obscure building. Strange book stores hidden behind places. Bespoke tailors on one floor of a building and a funky cafe two floors up.

Lots of these places are found via social media and the internet. It is such a different way to do things and opens up the world to new experiences.

We also went to the art gallery and walked around for a while looking at some beautiful Australian art. Had coffee and a cake. Chatted about her dating life. It was such a delightful day.

Ah, but now, here I am at 7.00 pm lamenting the fact that the four day break is now coming to an end and tomorrow will be back to the grindstone.

Since last Tuesday I have only done the Friday walk for exercise and that is it. It has been hard for me not to feel as guilty as can be for not doing a body pump class or getting another walk in but I am glad I have just allowed my body to have a break from all that. Tomorrow night it is back to body pump and I think the rest will have been just what I needed.

Weirdly enough, I have lost weight over the past few days and I think the reason is that when I don't exercise my appetite drops considerably. Plus I am most likely mindful of what is going in my mouth when I am not working out.

Our fund raising for the Oxfam walk reached the target. I received a cheque from Rotary which has immediately taken the pressure off so I am able to put that out of my head. Despite being under trained compared to the two other walks, I actually could not care less. I know I am fit enough to do it and besides, once you pass the 50km mark it is all about what the head is doing.

Next Sunday we have some hill training, might do a couple of 20km walks over the next two weeks, but then the 19th of April is the big day and then that is it.

I have joined a writers group and will be doing some courses once the walk is out of the way. There are a few coming up during the winter months. They are held in the city so that will get me out and about. Also will expose me to other people keen on writing and current writers as well. It can only be a positive thing.

So, that is my Monday post.

Oh, and below are two books I bought for myself.

Both of these books shall no doubt keep me very occupied.

And amused.

Ciao
LC

Saturday 30th March

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 10:29:00 +0000

The day is almost over.

It's 9.00 pm at night and I am two days into the four day break. Why do days off go so quickly?

I ended up buying the dreaded towels. Just did it. Picked the fluffiest white towels and bought what I needed. They are all hanging on the clothes line now after a wash. I keep wondering why it was so painful now that they are here.

After I bought the towels I went to buy some pillows. I have awful pillows. For the past two years I have been meaning to get new ones but there are so many different types that I can't be bothered thinking about it. Unlike a towel, if I get a shitty pillow it will have an impact on me. I know this to be true because I have shitty pillows after just buying them randomly.

However, today was not going to be a pillow buying day. There were, as usual, too many pillows, too many people and too much noise. It's a big ask to buy towels AND pillows in the one day.

What a first world problem. Bleating about the angst of purchasing something as pointless as bathroom and bed linen. Maybe that is why it is hard. Because it is an irritating trivial activity that requires some thought. Who knows. I might write a memoir of towel buying and the pros and cons of loop pile or plush pile when making towel choices. I think I may well be able to pad it out since so much thought went into the eventual towel purchase.

Tonight I did some ironing. I noticed that my son's clothes really need to be replaced. He has so many t-shirts and all of them are looking seriously tatty. His pants are too. Some of them have frayed hems because they must drag a bit on the ground. S likes his clothes like that.

I love that my son does not have any interest in fashion. He just likes to wear whatever is nearby, clean or dirty. Ironed or creased. It is of no consequence to him. His main dress style is cargo pants and t-shirts. There are no jeans in his wardrobe, he hates them. The only thing he insists on is his socks being soft. I am the same hence the reason that all socks are dried in the clothes dryer. It keeps them fluffy and soft.

This post is getting more pointless as I type away.

Why did I mention the ironing? Oh, yes. It's about Mr Benny. When I was ironing he lay near my feet. This morning when I was sitting at the kitchen table he lay under my chair. When I dry my hair in the bathroom he lies just outside the door and watches me. If I am in the studio he will lay near me or just outside the door.

I love that he does that.

My fluffy friend.

Ciao

Good Friday

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 11:08:00 +0000

It's here again.

Easter.

I am not a religious person so the only tradition I shall be partaking in is the Easter Egg hunt that we have in the house for my son. I have to be a bit more creative with the hiding of the chocolate eggs as Mr Benny is not to have any access to them as chocolate is deadly to doggies.

It was asked that the Easter Bunny not leave any "small" eggs as they are nigh impossible to unwrap. I wonder if what was really being said is "get big eggs only". The bigger the better?

I have four wonderful days off. Initially I had planned a 40km walk on Monday but the thought of having that obligation hanging over my head was so onerous I felt ill about it and, after a brief discussion with one of the other girls, I sent an SMS saying I was busy that day and the only day I could walk was Good Friday.

And so, that is what we did. A little 20km walk this afternoon.

Mr Benny came with for half of the walk. We stopped at a cafe and he sat with us out in the courtyard. It was a big adventure for my furry friend. Then K came and picked him up and took him home in the car. Mr Benny is still a little young to do a 20km walk.

I have not done any exercise since Tuesday night. And I don't intend to do anything much until the next Tuesday night. Going for a walk is fine. I might get on my bike and go for a ride up the street. I need a break. My body needs a break.

Wednesday evening was book club night. This time I did read the books, however, I was unable to recall the detail of them and so had to Google about them to assist in my "review". There were eight of us and the noise of eight women talking in the same room was so loud. I am sure there must be a name for that noise. Perhaps I could put it in that Christmas song. Instead of Eight Maids A-Milking we could have Eight Women A-Wailing.

The evening was a late one and my sleep was a difficult and restless one. The evening was hot, I had eaten deliciously bad food and felt positively ill, my legs were violently twitchy and my head was full of thoughts. I woke up Thursday morning feeling headachey and peevish. But the day worked out okay. I left work early and meandered around the shops to wind down.

On the Monday I had a very hard day at work and actually burst into tears with sheer frustration and I think it was a case of too much on my plate. Lucky for me that those who work with me are so supportive. I was so embarrassed as I loathe crying in front of anyone outside of my house, it's just so awfully undignified and pathetic. Still, it happens and I kind of recovered over the next day or two. Bossman said to me "Linda, you are my best friend and I just want to you happy" which was so lovely of him (considering I called him a shallow shit the week prior).

We are making some significant changes to processes in the office and on the work sites to allow for the increase in the work load so hopefully things will improve after that.

Last night K and I went and saw Paul Simon in concert.

For me, Paul Simon is the musician I grew up with. As a teenager I listened to him while my friends were listening to the latest pop music. His music always featured in some way in my growing up years and to this day I can listen to his songs and feel as moved by them as I was when first I heard them.

In around 1986 saw him in concert when he was doing the Graceland tour and thought that was great.

Oh, and I think I have had a crush on him for ever. He is 71 now and I still think he is deliciously sexy. And I don't say that about any public person as a rule.

Anyway, last night, wonderful last night. Well, it was the most fantastic musical experience I have had. He, along with his outstanding band, showed the true meaning of what good musicians are all about. It was just so enjoyable.

There was a lack of ego going on. It was all about the music. It was about the relationship between the musicians. Paul Simon and his band gave the audience everything they could have dreamed of. Two outstanding hours of joy.

Honestly, it makes me want to VOMIT when I think of what passes for talent now. It's fucked, really, shameful.

So, it was another late night last night. But I slept in this morning. I do like a sleep in now and then and long weekends always allow for that. After I took ages to get ready for the day I changed my bed linen and as I type this I am thinking how nice it will be to slip into my crisp, white sheets and wriggle down.

Tomorrow. Hmmmm, what is on the cards for tomorrow. Well, I have to buy new towels. I am not sure if I have told the saga of my towel buying experience but I will say this, it is torturous. It is so bad that K worries about my decision making process in regards to the towels. He worries about my thoughts on towels.

I dare not tell him all the other things I have trouble making decisions about. Goodness knows how I manage to get dressed on some days!

But I have made a contract with myself that those towels have to be purchased and in the house before the Saturday is over. Fortunately if there is one thing I hate more than letting other people down, it is letting myself down. So, it's just going to happen.

I can't make too many such contracts with myself. I only try to choose things that have been a stupid, stupid issue with me and have expanded into a weird monster in my head. Usually these things start of trivial and then, for reasons only known to me, they explode into the most complicated process on earth. The detail is so never ending I end up doing nothing.

Funny enough, I can do great big giant things without much thought. Then small everyday things completely shatter me all the time.

The rest of the weekend, once the towel thing is sorted, is pretty much all about me. Me, me and me. Lots of studio time. Lots of writing. I am putting together all my poetry and short stories in a little book and will get it printed to have at home, so that will be worked on. It is quite time consuming but very enjoyable.

Well, I have been writing away and can see that the battery life on my laptop is dwindling so it is time to stop, recharge, have a cup of tea and then bed.

Even Mr Benny has gone to bed.

But no crisp white sheets for him.

Only the Alpha dog has that privilege.

Ciao
LC

Saturday 23rd March

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 05:54:00 +0000

Yesterday (day after office rant day), I had breakfast with my niece before I went to work.

I sent a text to the office saying "I will be in later to work because I am having breakfast in a funky cafe. When I get in I am going to file all my shit and wear headphones and listen to music".

Then I sent an photo of my bircher muesli breakfast. It was delicious.

And after breakfast I did just that. I did my filing at work. Put the "do not disturb" buttons on the phone, popped on my headphones and did what needed doing.

Bossman sent me a very nice email apologising for the stress I had been under for the past couple of months and then outlined what he was doing to change things. When he came in he again apologised which was really lovely of him.

I worked until later than usual. I mean, one cannot come into work at 11.00 am and not work later but I planned that so it was okay. After work I did food shopping so at least on the weekend I don't have to think of that.

This weekend is a bit full. A 20km walk tonight. Some training tomorrow morning. A body pump class tomorrow afternoon. Next week is the Easter break and we will have to do a 40km walk just to get a bit more fitness up.

Right now all my focus is going into just getting the Oxfam thing done. Then I feel I will be less stressed about things. I may be wrong, but in my head that is the thought so I will go with that. Once I have that walk under my belt I can then turn my attention to other things I want to do.

I have been walking most days. My niece and Mr Benny come with. There are some nice areas that we walk through. Little pockets of undeveloped spaces. The photos below show one area I like to walk. It is right in the middle of houses but there is no development here as underneath are huge stormwater drains so these will always stay this way.

The gum tree below is so thick and full of interesting colours.

In this photo is a view of the stormwater drain. When I was very young (about 9 or 10) I remember climbing down into this drain and walking around for ages with some friends. It was very exciting.

At the end of the grassy area I cross over the road and get onto the path that leads to a huge park. I have walked this path hundreds of times. Pushed a pram along it. Jogged down it. Walked with friends. Walked with dogs. It used to be charcoal grey asphalt and a while ago they repaved it. Houses back onto it all the way.

At the rear of one of the houses someone must have thrown some pumpkin seeds over onto the ground. However, it's all just leaves, no pumpkin. But I like seeing it anyway. That mix of controlled Council garden planting and a random scruff of vegetable planting.

I have recently bought myself a new kitchen gadget. This came about when my niece moved in and I discovered that every day she would chop up a mix of vegetables and fruit and then grind them into this liquid drink. All the pulp was kept.

She and I are a bit the same in relation to vegetables. We know they have to be eaten but we hate cooking them. To me, drinking fresh juice with all the pulp in it is a good way to just get that whole vegetable obligation crap out of the way.

So I bought this commercial grade mixer that just makes mulch out of everything. Between my niece and I we have come up with some fabulously disgusting ways of digesting beetroot, kale, spinach, celery and other healthy veges. We just add something sweet like an apple or grapes to it to make it drinkable.

However, I have to confess that nobody else in the house likes these healthy juices. Both son and husband asked how I could actually drink something that tasted like liquefied grass. They much prefer the banana smoothies I make in it.

This morning I had beetroot, carrot, apple and celery juice. I felt very "special" downing that one.

Last night I came home from the working day and my niece had left me a glass of something unbelievably healthy (if vile in taste). I drank it anyway. I can't say I felt "special", more like sick.

Today I have not been doing much. Woke up later than usual. Took my time just getting into the day. After a crappy work week I kind of felt physically bruised. All that tension combined with the effects of exercise have given me aches and pains in random places. I am doing some writing, reading the newspaper and getting my head around the prospect of having to do a 20km walk. The walk is a doddle but just the time it eats into does not please me at all.

My niece has been out and about with her new "rebound" squeeze. She was a week away in Tasmania and is now away down along the coast for the weekend.

I met him the other day. He is forty, so not a kid. Very likeable person. B told me that she was surprised how he really wanted to make a good impression. I asked her why that was as we are not her parents and she is not a child. To which she replied "well, I suppose because I talk about you a lot and hold you in such high esteem he felt it was important that you liked him".

That was such a lovely, lovely thing for her to say.

Sometimes things that people say surprise me.

And move me.

Ciao
LC

Thursday 21st March

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 10:47:00 +0000

See that smile on my face there?

That was me this morning. That was me before I looked in the linen closet and found out that there was only ONE roll of toilet paper left. I should have known this would not bode well for the rest of the day since I am a person who likes to have forty rolls of toilet paper on hand at any given time. But you know, when things are not right in my head space the toilet paper situation reflects that.

So I went to work with the knowledge that there was only one roll between two toilets in my home. But that was okay because at work there is so much toilet paper (around two hundred rolls, maybe more) so at least I felt safe in case of an outbreak of serious gastro were to happen at work.

Which is possible because work is giving me the absolute shits.

We are having very difficult times at work. Financially things are a bit tough and work has dropped off, however there are still static costs that have to be covered. People ring me for money, which is fine, but it does make things harder for me when Bossman makes promises that cannot be kept and also refuses to deal with certain things that require his input. I hate to say it, but he is the weakest link in the chain and needs a big kick up his arse.

I work very hard at what I do and juggle things well. We have different companies, trusts and there is a lot of movement that goes on between them all and the stress can be grinding for me. Normally I just have a whinge and that is it. But I guess that sometimes a whinge is not enough.

In fact, today I had the most fantastic rant. It was a bad case of the straw that broke the camel's back. The huge, big, fat straw that was more like a giant log that landed in my email in box. I cannot even explain what preceded it but it was so shiteful that I could not contain my absolute fucked offedness for one second more.

There were only two people in the office and Bossman was not one of them. So they were lucky enough to view my reaction to the situation. After I sent a politely restrained email to Bossman and one of the project managers, I suddenly stood up from my desk and threw the supplier invoices on the ground and stomped on them. I then let fly with my thoughts on everything about what was going on in the office and said that when I go to Germany in September I am not coming back to work.

This was padded out with long paragraphs of what was shitting me up the wall and punctuated frequently with the word "fuck". My body movements involved my arms being thrown out wildly and random foot stamping.

Finally I finished off the five minute tantrum with a huge scream that morphed into the "F" word. I screamed so loudly that now, five hours later, my throat is killing me.

It was a cross between the "Here's Johnny" moment from The Shining and a scene from Carrie.

The response from the two guys on the office was mixed. One ran downstairs and the other one laughed. Well, maybe not laughed, more like smirked. But they both agreed that my rant was justified (if incredibly funny).

Needless to say, Bossman has not responded to my email.

And now my behaviour is going to be the talk of work because men are gossips. I know that traditionally women are perceived as those who gossip but I can tell you that men are just as bad, if not worse. Perhaps they are not bitchy, that is the difference.

I don't mind what they say, it probably just cements my reputation as a fruit cake.

By the time I got home I was mentally drained and the evening body pump class was a welcome event.

On a different subject, I am very excited to say that next Thursday K and I are going to see Paul Simon in concert.

He is my all time favourite musician. I did briefly consider getting a ticket for S to come along too but at $200 per ticket I figured that it would be a waste of money and S agreed. I think that tickets for concerts are very, very costly here. It can make a night out so expensive.

Another day at work tomorrow. I am going to be doing all my filing and ignoring the phone. I really need a breather and some time out from talking to people. Plus my desk is so messy it makes it hard to work efficiently.

I think I will go in late and work late.

Try to take it easy.

Ciao
LC

Sunday 17th March

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 10:33:00 +0000

This whole journal thing is not going to work.

You see, when I write in a journal I have to confess that I am much more verbose and there is no editing of what is going on in my head. This means that I can end up with twenty pages or more of serious twaddle at one sitting.

If I scan and upload the pages that is fine, but it means that there will be sooooo many pages to plough through.

Well, one can only try.

Still, the good thing is that I am journalling away happily and just putting shorter versions on blog. It's a funny thing to read back what I write in the journal because everything is so detailed and undisciplined. Grammatically all is fine, but content is so voluminous that I realise there is no way anyone is going to ever enjoy reading what comes out in detail from my (or anyone's head space). Even I can hardly read it without going "what is that?" and "why did I write that?".

Anyway, the other day I was reading an article in the newspaper which was about values that people have and they had a series of questions to answer to demonstrate ones values. The questions are below and it was suggested to give at least three answers to each question. I answered the questions.

What do you fill your space with (home and office)?

Home: Items I have collected over the years. Each item has a story and I can tell you that story.

Work: Paperwork, pens, computer etc. Hand sanitiser. Nothing personal on display. Weird toys in second drawer though.
How do you spend your time?

Work, exercise, family and squeezing in personal interests.

How do you spend your energy?

Exercise.

Attending to any commitments.

What do you spend your money on beyond set monthly expenses?

Personal things like clothes, make up.

Household items that I feel we need.

Big holidays now and then.

Where are you most organised and ordered?

Work and exercise.

Where are you most disciplined and reliable?

Work, exercise.

What do you think about or focus on most?

Work, exercise and family.

What do you envision or dream about most?

More time for writing and other personal interests.

What do you discuss internally most?

How to be more organised and disciplined.

How to be better at what I do and who I am.

How to find more time to do other things.

What do you discuss externally most?

Whatever I feel like talking about. It varies.

What are you most inspired about?

Nothing much.

What do you set goals towards most?

Being a good parent.

Being a good partner to my husband.

Being fit and healthy in mind and body.

So there are my values. Exercise, family and home. I think everyone shares the same values.

Yesterday I was at the Farmer's Market again helping out as part of the fundraising towards Oxfam Walk. I was on a later shift so did not start until 10.00 am which was nice as I slept in. I spent the next three hours at the BBQ. It always amuses me how people go to a market that is full of the most fabulous gourmet food at very cheap prices, yet gravitate to the BBQ van to have sausages in bread or bacon and egg rolls.

The day was nice and the sun shone from behind the grey clouds. Lots of dogs were around. And so many young children running all over the place. I love the energy of little children. Oh, it's so unrestricted and free. It must be great to have that urge to move so quickly for no reason other than for the fun of it.

In the afternoon I went to a body pump class. It's been a while since I did a Saturday class and I felt great after it. This week I have been very tired and I feel like some energy has come back. Hopefully it will continue because next week is very "exercise committed" and I need every bit of energy I can get. It's all part of getting into a good level of fitness for the walk. I did not train with the girls this week as I needed a break from it and next weekend I don't want to over do it. I am so over it all and it is taking every inch of my inner "dutiful" self to get this walk under my belt in a non negative way. The whole thing is sucking the life out of me at the moment.

Today was a relaxing kind of day. I went to the shopping centre with my niece for a couple of hours and bought exciting things like socks and underwear. Then I came home and did the usual Sunday thing. Laundry, baked a cake, made some dinner and whatever else. In no time at all it seemed as though the day was finishing.

Now I am about to tidy the rest of the house and organise my things for tomorrow.

Next week is a big work week. Last week I only worked three days so now I have two days of work to catch up on. I have to be very, very focused to get through the pile of papershite.

Sometimes I fantasise about not working at all and just doing my own thing.

I think I am not the only one indulging in that fantasy.

Ciao

15th March Words on Paper

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 22:08:00 +0000

My beautiful tree still covered in green leaves.

Talk About A Walk

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 06:27:00 +0000

I'm feeling the pain on this 34 celcius humid day - after 24km's and around ten more to go.

Fi is the pink dot in the distance.

PS - I have been know to be terse - which could be construed as bitchy.............

14th March Words On Paper

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 21:48:00 +0000

13th March Words On Paper

noreply@blogger.com (Linda Twaddle) — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 09:32:00 +0000