Life's Sweet Passions

Halloween Craft: Teasel Spiders

2015-10-05T23:42:00.000-06:00

I don't know where my mother got this idea, but this has been a craft that my family has been making since I was in 3rd grade--at least. And I'm sure my brothers and sisters made it before me. A friend and I had to create something to sell for my school's economics fair, and my mother presented this idea to us. It was of course the coolest thing we had ever seen! Now that my son has an economics fair coming up (well, an entrepreneurial day fair) he decided he also wanted to create them to sell.

These spiders are both fun and cheap to make, and children love them because they look cool and feel prickly. (These are not for young children.)

Before we get into the directions, let's learn about the plant we'll be using! The more I've researched this plant, the more amazed I have become. Its life is such an interesting one, starting from its first few years as a rosette of leaves, to its years of seeding and flowering. Here are some of the most interesting facts about this plant:

Common Teasel

Photos from Wikipedia

Teasel is an invasive plant that likes areas with a lot of sun, and often grows in open fields or on the side of the road in odd places. I honestly can't give you better hunting tips than those, but they're in almost every state in the US. Just drive down a road that has lots of grasses or brush on the sides of the road and you're likely to find it.

The leaves of the teasel grow in such a way that they form cups that collect rainwater.

According to a study posted in the National Library of Medicine, this plant species is thought to be slightly carnivorous, since their seed production received a boost during the study when dead insects were placed at the bases of these leaves.

Teasel cant take three years or longer to flower. Researchers have been able to predict within an 80% chance when the plant will flower by measuring how long the leaves have grown.

Teasel seeds provide great winter food for some birds, especially goldfinches and blackbirds, and are sometimes used in nature preserves to attract such birds.

The average teasel plant produces around 3,300 seeds!

As Wikipedia tells us, some types of teasel have been used in the past in textile production as a natural comb. (Bonus survival tip!) This is where the plant's common name of teasel comes from, referring to the action of teasing wool.

If you or your children want to learn more, here is a great Teasel Fact Sheet from the Learning Center of the American Southwest.

Making The Spiders

Materials:
Teasel seed heads (get a good variety of sizes)
Spray paint (I use black, but any color will do)
Pipe cleaners
Googly eyes of all different sizes
Glue gun with glue sticks
Fishing line (optional)

Directions:
1. Gather teasel seed heads (see hunting tips above). You'll need thick gloves and heavy duty shears (or a good knife). Every part of the plant is poky, and if you grab it in the wrong way the can go through your gloves. Honestly though, gathering them is half the fun! Get a good variety of sizes. All shapes of stems and spikes are great--they make the spiders look very cool.

2. Shake out the teasel seed heads really well. You will find so many seeds! Make sure these get thrown away or scattered around the highway somewhere, unless you want teasel growing in your own yard. :) If they are green from the season or wet from the rain, let them dry out.

3. Spray paint the heads. You'll have to let them dry then flip them over and spray them again, otherwise the spray paint will just drip off of the bottoms. You might have to do this a few times, as there always seems to be a tiny strip that escapes the spray. We were using spray paint that we had lying around from other projects and ended up running out of black...so we got a little creative with the other colors we had. I've never used other colors before but they ended up looking pretty cool!

4. Cut pipe cleaners to the desired leg length and glue them on. I like to put a glob of glue on the end of the pipe cleaner then slide it deep in-between the pokey parts.

5. Glue on the googly eyes. With these, the former stem becomes the nose and the eyes go above. You can get some very interesting looking spiders if you use your imagination to decide what is what. This is my favorite part!

6. If you want to hang these from the ceiling you can wrap fishing line around their bodies.

What's Good for the Goose.... (Girls, Boys, and Social Media)

2013-09-04T12:21:00.000-06:00

I read a post today, where a mother very beautifully asked girls to be careful of the pictures they post on social media. Her family apparently goes through their sons' social media friends regularly, filtering out girls who post provocative ("the red-carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout") or scantily-clad pictures, and discussing why. And while I understand and respect the need for open conversation about such things, I can't help but be saddened by the post...because of this:

"Girls, it’s not too late! If you think you’ve made an on-line mistake (we all do – don’t fret – I’ve made some doozies), RUN to your accounts and take down anything that makes it easy for your male friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom."

And this:
"Some young men are fighting the daily uphill battle to keep their minds pure, and their thoughts praiseworthy."

Along with the fact that included in the post were photos of the poster's own sons (and daughter) in swimsuits, posing to best show off their muscles. How ironic!

Here are three points I'd like to make:

1.) It is not a girl's job alone, to keep the thoughts of boys pure. It's a boy's job to realize that girls are people, regardless of how they are dressed, posed, etc.. Modesty helps, but it only goes so far. Boys need to be taught that THEY are accountable for the way they think of women; that THEY are accountable for the actions that take place because of any impure thoughts they have.

2.) Girls also have daily uphill battles to keep their minds pure! This is not just a boy thing. And pictures of scantily-clad boys don't help...which brings me to the next one:

3.) I firmly believe that what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Modesty applies to girls AND boys!

There is a huge double-standard in this country, and it's something that is constantly hidden in messages to women. Messages like this. This double-standard contributes to the rampant rape culture, as it refuses to hold men (or boys) accountable for their actions. And before you think this has nothing to do with rape, I argue that it does. It REALLY does. Because so many women are afraid to report rape or misconduct (or are not believed when they do) because messages like these tell them that it's their fault. That by wearing different clothing, or posting different pictures or acting in a different way (or saying no more forcefully), rape could have been prevented. Seriously, folks. That by covering themselves up, the pig of a man who raped them would have magically gained some self control. NOT SO!

Here's the thing: I have a son. I worry about him. I worry that I will fail to teach him to respect women. I worry that somehow he'll come across porn, or some form of it, before I can teach him about the true functions of our bodies, and that by then, it will be too late. I worry that through advertisements, movies, and TV, he will learn to objectify women, and to think of women as 'things,' instead of people. I worry that he may be pressured to have sex before he's married, or even before he's mentally ready to cope with such a thing. But most of all, I worry that I'll fail to teach him to hold himself accountable for the way he thinks about women.

I worry a lot. And in a way, I get the idea behind the plea of the mother who wrote the post I mentioned. But I can't stand behind it; it places the accountability on girls, and blatantly flaunts the hypocrisy of our sexist society. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander! When my son is older, instead of deleting any girl with a picture that may resemble something sexy, or asking those girls to delete anything that *may* make it easy for him to imagine them "naked in bed", I'll teach him to think of her as the child of God that she is.

Learning Styles Realization

2013-08-14T00:37:00.001-06:00

I've been researching learning styles lately, and the many different theories about them. I've been trying to figure out how Mason learns best, because I've been feeling like he doesn't always get what I teach him. For the longest time, I thought he was equal parts an auditory, kinesthetic, and visual learner, because he fits the descriptions for each of them. It wasn't until I did some deeper research, that I saw how wrong I was. I wanted extra assurance, so I even had us both take a few different learning style assessments, which all told me the same thing I had to come to realize:

Mason is an auditory learner. A hugely auditory learner. The other two categories aren't even on the map with him.

...which is hard, because I am not an auditory learner at all. Tell me something, and I'll forget it two seconds later; no exaggeration. SHOW me something? And I'll always remember it. I am a huge visual learner--a little kinesthetic as well, but mostly visual. Posters, pictures, bright colors, demonstrations--these are my educational food. If I see it, I'll remember it. I'll call that visual back into my mind when I need it (which is why I test really well, even when I haven't studied).

So...I've been teaching Mason the wrong way. So far, I've been teaching him in the way that I learn best: using lots of pictures and displays. This made perfect sense to me...until this week, when I learned that that is NOT how Mason learns. He needs to HEAR the information, and looking back, I should have known this.

Evidence:

His asking for clarification on instructions that are clearly shown in pictures
His need for textbook definitions of everyday words (instead of the definitions in layman's terms that I prefer to give)
His need for every family picture to be expanded upon with voiced descriptions of what went on at the time they were taken
His constant need to interrupt a lesson or a book to ask for more SPOKEN detail
His ability to recall random conversations he's had with people, word for word
His ability to recall what happened in books I read to him ages ago
His love of music
His ability to remember any information put to music (ask him what my number is, and he'll tell you...in song)

I cannot believe I missed all of that.

As a result, I can feel the change in plans coming along. I haven't solidified anything yet, because I want to do some more research on this baffling thing called auditory learning (you auditory learners can really understand information that is just spoken to you???). But I sense Mason's future will be full of tape recorders, chants, and songs à la Safety Kids.

Homeschool Progress Report: Week 4

2013-07-24T18:51:00.001-06:00

We are four weeks into our school year, and things are going great! We've settled into a routine that works for us...as long as it doesn't change. I found that Mason is definitely the opposite of me in many aspects; I learn (and teach) best at night, and he is such a morning learner. Any schooling that takes place after about 4pm usually results zero attention, and lots of frustration. That is, unless it's in the form of a movie, playing, or art. He's open to that kind of learning any time. :)

I've also begun to realize why so many homeschoolers promote child-lead learning. I'm not sold on complete child-lead schooling, but I have realized that Mason learns best when he's interested in the subject. I've always known this, but it never clicked until now. There have been many times when an activity I thought he would love, was received with a less-than happy response (seriously, who isn't interested in astronomy? Mason, I guess). But he has been studying books on trains and horses on his own for months, now, and has so many facts and scientific knowledge memorized because of that studying. He takes his trains apart, and puts different pieces together to see what they look like. And he's been sneaking into the kitchen for years, and creating his own ~~disgusting~~ interesting recipes for food.

As a result, I have changed a lot of my plans for this year. Things I thought were important, are things I don't stress so much anymore. Formal math lessons have been shortened, and I added a weekly cooking lesson, and let him pick a meal for dinner each Friday. We budget and shop for the ingredients beforehand, and then make the meal. Math and life skills, all in one lesson! As for other areas, I finally bought the special paint for model trains he's been wanting, and he has repainted a bunch of his trains. Formal art lessons have been added, since he's so interested in art. And I'm currently planning a unit on horses, because he would love it.

Sadly, my history lessons have changed, since he's not that interested in history right now (I LOVE history, and hoped he would, too). We're going through history chronologically, so right now we're mostly reading the Bible and Book of Mormon, and then reading books on some of the countries or cities the prophets are in as we read. Although I'm really hoping he'll be more interested by the time we learn about Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome...I have such cool ideas for those two, but he may just think they're boring. :D

The biggest and coolest change this year, has been our weekly forest school. A woman in a homeschool group I belong to brought up the idea to start one here, since they're so popular in Washington and Oregon. But hers was too far for us, so I thought I would see if anyone in my area wanted to get together and start our own. It is nowhere near the scale of the forest schools in Washington and Oregon, but it has been so fun! We begin with a short nature-related activity. We've done solar wood burning, flower pressing, bug catching, bark rubbings, treasure hunting, and lots of others.

After the activity, the kids are free to play and explore nature. Our park is so perfect for this, with lots of trees, hiking trails, hills, a huge grass lawn, a small river, and even a bridge. There is so much for the kids to explore, and they always find interesting things; a water snake, mice digging holes, bugs, cool flowers, etc.. There are kids of all ages, and some go off to explore while some stay to play in the water or do the activity again. But everyone plays with everyone (older and younger), which I think is cool. It's the only time I let Mason really do his own thing, and he loves the freedom. He always leaves with wet, muddy clothes. It has been the highlight of our summer.

One thing that is very apparent this year, is that Mason isn't the only one learning. I'm learning, too. There is so much that I either didn't learn in school, or that I forgot. I've found I have gaps in my knowledge of topics that I thought I knew well. I'm also finding interest in subjects that I thought I hated (like math). Interesting things that send me on a quest for even more knowledge. I'm teaching myself, as I teach Mason.

I'm looking forward to seeing what happens over the rest of the year!

My 6-Year-Old Can't Read...And I'm OKAY With That

2013-07-09T20:57:00.001-06:00

We're nearing the end of Mason's seventh year, and it's looking like he may turn seven before he learns how to read. I say this with much trepidation, because it's such a taboo subject. Most people who go through this with their children don't usually talk about it until years later when their children finally do begin to read. And you can bet I'm feeling the pressure from all sides to get him reading. Nowadays it seems like children who aren't reading by the end of kindergarten are considered 'slow,' and are considered late readers. And children who can't read by the end of first grade? Sign them up for every. tutor. available.

Add homeschooling on top of that, and things get even more pressing. Many people expect homeschooled children to be either super advanced, or extremely unfortunate. I fell for the super advanced spiel before I knew any better, and exhausted myself last year trying to get Mason to read. Language arts has always been my best subject, so I thought it was a given that it would be Mason's, too. Unlike teaching math, I never even considered that LA would be something I would have trouble teaching. Then I ended up trying SO many different methods throughout the year trying to find the one that clicked for him. And you know what? I exhausted him, too.

At the end of the year after one particularly trying lesson that ended in tears, both of us yelling, and time-out (for us both) I threw in the towel. I decided he would learn when he learns...even if it isn't until he's nine (read below). Though I sincerely hope it's earlier than that. *crosses fingers*

It wasn't until a month later, when I was planning our next school year, that I remembered something about Mason: he is extremely stubborn. So stubborn that I'm sure he literally does it unconsciously. He's the boy who would NOT use the big boy potty, no matter how hard I tried to get him to. He was almost four when I finally showed him the last diaper in the box, and told him I wouldn't be buying another box. He used that last diaper, and never once wet his pants or the bed after that. Even just a few months later after multiple brain surgeries when he woke up and screamed to have his catheter taken out, so he could pee like a big boy. Even during long nights in the hospital. He took that step when he was ready, just like he has done in so many other areas of his life.

We're only a week into our school year for first grade, and if I'm being honest, I am worried. But, as he's shown me before, Mason runs on his own schedule. This year I'm providing him with short, no-pressure lessons (and have vowed to never again make him cry over school). When he's ready, he'll do the rest. And I'll be SURE to let you know when that happens. :)

Note: I DO plan to make sure there isn't an underlying problem here. He shows a few signs of dyslexia, but those are the same signs that come after having brain surgery, and are also long-effects of chemo and radiation. Soooo there's a lot there that could be causing this. Rest assured, I plan to get these ruled out (or confirmed) before too long!

Blogging: The Annual Checkup

2013-04-20T01:09:00.001-06:00

Okay, so my lack of posts isn't so bad as the title makes it out to be, but it certainly feels that way. I hadn't posted in such a long time before this last year, and lately all my posts have been months apart.

Hello readers, it's me, Penelope.

Are you out there?

I wouldn't blame you for leaving. This relationship probably hasn't been a very beneficial one for you. But let me try to make it up to you with an update on...well, us.

Penelope
I'm doing photography again! There was a while there, where I honestly thought I would never pick up a camera again. And I didn't mind at all. I hated even knowing that the camera was sitting on a shelf in the same room with me. In a strange, needing-something-to-blame sort of way, I think I blamed Mason's cancer trials on my obsession with photography during the year leading up to it all. I took pictures of his treatments to document it all, but that's where it ended. And as soon as the future wasn't looking so grim, I stopped taking pictures at all. This is evidenced by a clear lack of pictures of Mason (or myself, or anyone else) from the middle of 2011, through the end of 2012.

It's only been the last few months that I've been taking pictures again. One actual photo session was all it took to remind me how much I love photography. I'm picking up where I left off, and re-starting my business. Life is good!

Mason
Mason has grown into the smartest, most funny, young boy! He is still obsessed with trains, but has also developed a love for horses. He's currently reading all he can about how to take care of horses, because he plans to buy one--with money he's saving.

On the health front, he is just thriving! It's amazing how one's perception of normal can fluctuate. I had gotten used to the cautious boy his treatments brought out, who was content to spend his days without sports, the outdoors (sometimes), or daring tricks. It took this entire year after treatments, but his body has finally returned muscle, coordination, and stamina. Now the daredevil of days past is back, and with his new-found coordination, Mason has turned into a force to be reckoned with.

Homeschooling
I don't know why this is getting its own large, bold, title--I guess because it feels like an official part of our family, now. It's probably also because I've been wanting to write a homeschooling update for a while, and never got to it.

Whatever the reason, progress in school is great! This first year has been a big huge experiment for the both of us. I'm not only learning how Mason best retains new information, but I'm also learning what my own limitations are. I'm impatient and lazy, and prefer the easiest path possible in any area of life. I've learned that if I make things too hard on Mason or myself (i.e. anything scheduled that isn't flexible), then I run the risk of days at a time being deemed a "vacation," while we both recover from the overload. I don't need to compete with the homeschool blogging superstars out there (who I totally wish I could be). I just need to teach Mason so that he understands. I'm realizing more and more, that life itself is a school, and that just doing our everyday activities, and turning them into teaching moments, is learning at its greatest. Plus, you know, reading is everything. ;)

The biggest thing I learned this year, though, is that the Lord has a plan for both of us.

For a little while, I began having doubts about homeschooling. Mason was asking why he couldn't go to public school, and those closest to me were making comments (that I'm sure they thought were harmless) about him needing to go to public school--or at least a charter school. I was having the hardest time getting him to read (in the time-frame I had neatly scheduled for it to happen in, of course), and so I thought I was the worst for teacher on Earth.

I prayed again to know if I was reaaaaaally supposed to homeschool (because, you know, I may have read the fifty other signs I was sent completely wrong), and what I should teach Mason.

My answer this time: yes--here's how....

It seems silly now, but it never crossed my mind that when I was told by the Lord to homeschool, that He would also tell me how to do it. I just needed to ask. But I can see now that at every dead end, and every crossroads, He has shown me what to do. He has told me what to teach, when to teach it, and helped me to understand why I need to teach it. We are so blessed! I am really looking forward to this next school year--potential mistakes, and all.

Catch you at the next annual checkup! ;)

Adventures in Headlining

2013-03-17T01:48:00.002-06:00

This is the project I spent my Saturday afternoon on:

It's called a headliner, and it's the buffer between your head, and the hard, sharp, metal roof of your car. I never thought I'd see the inside of a car like this, but I can tell you--I'm intrigued. Cars are u-g-l-y without all the trimmings, but it was fun to take one apart.

This particular headliner has been peeling ever since it was bought a few years ago. The fabric had been almost completely peeled off, leaving behind nasty dark yellow foam. Anytime anything accidentally scraped across the headliner (including, you know, HAIR), a shower of golden dust would rain down. It was horribly annoying. And ugly. And it got in your eyes. I seriously wish I had thought to take a before picture, because this was a nightmare.

This is NOT my photo (photo credit), but is the closest I could find to what it looked like. The white part is the fiberglass shell (mine was green, with yellow underneath), the yellow stuff is the foam, and the empty space on top is where the fabric should be, but isn't.

One day I finally got around to checking if it was possible to reupholster it. IT IS! So I watched some Youtube videos, and took a trip to Joann's to get some headliner fabric (foam padding with fabric attached, which gives it that soft look).

And so began my andventure into car land. I broke some stuff. And the car looked like this after I had taken the headliner out:

I unscrewed everything that was holding the headliner in, removed the plastic covers at the corners of the car, let it drop, then pulled it out.

It looked like that second picture, with the shell covered in foam. So I took a palm sander to it, and sanded it off as gently as I could. It worked really well, and ended up looking like the 5th to last picture in this guy's post...only more, uh, broken in from years of use. My brother helped me spray it with glue and apply and smooth out the headliner fabric. This is where my first picture comes in. So nice and smooth!

After it dried we had to get it back in, which was much easier than taking it out. Putting everything else back in place was hard though. My other brothers ended up helping, and finally it was in! Looks nice, doesn't it?

I still have the visors off, since I'm finding a way to fix them. They suffer from the same problem as the headliner did, although I can just pull the foam off since it isn't glued to it.

I definitely broke one of the plastic corner covers (rookie mistake; the glue to fix it is drying as I type), and I may have trouble getting the right visor in (that hole was made bigger by one of my attempts), but I'll take any of that over what it looked like before. So glad to have it done!

Home Speech Therapy Roundup

2013-01-28T05:20:00.000-07:00

I've noticed for a while now, that Mason is having trouble articulating his /t/ and /s/ sounds, as well as pronouncing /i/ correctly, in the middle of a sentence. I was hoping he would grow out of it, but it seems he isn't. I've been planning to take him to the the elementary school to be assessed by a speech-language pathologist for the past month, but this winter has been tough on the immune system. We've both been sick with one thing or another since the beginning of December, and it feels like we'll be sick forever.

So I did some research and thanks to the wonders of Pinterest, I found an amazing wealth of information online regarding speech therapy. While we're waiting for our immune systems to battle it out with our current illnesses, I'm going to try some things at home to see if we can make some progress.

Here's a roundup of the best that I found:
Click the photos to be taken to each post.

Probably the most useful source, Mommy Speech Therapy goes into detail about the process of articulation therapy that she goes through. She also provides free downloads of worksheets you can use as support material to go along with it. This post was SO helpful in understand why each part of the process is important for the child to learn, and how to go about teaching it.

Communication Station's post helps you determine if your child is a 'tipper' or a 'dipper,' and explains the different ways you would teach 'tippers' or 'dippers' to make the /s/ sound.

Let's Grow Speech's post has good tips and exercises for getting kids to articulate the /s/ and /z/ sounds.

The Speech-Language Therapy Blog Posts group board on Pinterest is constantly updated by over 60 speech-language pathologists with links to their posts on the subject. It's a really good place for information.

Adventures in Speech Pathology has lots of articulation board games you can download, along with articulation cards, a list of language resources, and speech resources. There are games for all the sounds and blended sounds.

IF you happen to own an iPad (I don't), this Speech Tutor app by Pocket SLP is pretty cool. It has lots of video demonstrations that you can use to visibly show kids where their tongues should be placed to make the different sounds. I really wish it were available for Android!

From Speechy Musings, this list of freebies on Teachers Pay Teachers has lots of great games, activities, and other stuff for articulation and reinforcing (plus some for other parts of speech-language pathology).

I'm posting this one, even though it isn't free, because it was SUCH a find. Mason adores trains. This train articulation game is perfect for him!

This last one is an awesome reference list from Playing With Words 365, that includes links to posts on the different ages that children develop sounds, the difference between speech and language, definitions of speech terms, definition of different speech and language problems (stuttering, lisp, dysarthria, etc.), and things to watch out for.

Two Years Ago, Today

2012-11-03T13:30:00.000-06:00

Two years ago on this day, my son was diagnosed with cancer. Can you believe it? I can hardly believe it. I had planned to hold a "thank you" party today, to thank everyone who had any part whatsoever in helping and supporting Mason. I began planning it a month ago, and then...well, I realized this wasn't the day I wanted to celebrate it on. The day I found out my son had cancer is nothing to celebrate. So I'm saving that for next year, when we celebrate the fact that he'll have been cancer-free for a year.

But back to the point:

Since that day back in Nov. of 2010, it was a very long time before I ever felt like I could look to our future with any surety. My son's chances were grim, and even after he received a miracle that pretty much doubled his chances, I still felt cautious. We were thrown into a world that no one wants to be in, but one that everyone seems unable to leave.

Even after Mason finished treatments at the beginning of this year, and his body began to gain weight and finally grow (including hair!), I felt attached to the one thing I despise the most, unable to let it go: Cancer. The word was like a vine that took root in my body, unwilling to let me forget the hardships I had witnessed my son face. He was finished with treatments, yet I was still explaining to people that he had had cancer, and what had happened to him. Germs were still horrible creatures lurking on every surface, ready to cause yet another trip to the hospital with a fevered child. I was still protective of him, and wary to let him just play and be a child. Minor jostles were still heart-stopping moments for me.

As the months passed, each of these fears were slowly taken from my mind. His hair grew in and his body was no longer skin and bones, and he didn't look like a cancer child anymore. People stopped staring, sad looks were weren't passed around a room, questions became rare. The minor illnesses came back--the small things we hadn't dealt with since diagnosis like a simple cold, a runny nose, or the flu. And they were just that: colds and flus, and nothing more. His body had adjusted, and germs no longer seemed to be quite at the level of ultimate super evils that they once were. We went swimming in the mucky lake (complete with an impromptu mud bath), and his body didn't even respond to whatever I'm sure lurks in the lake. We went swimming again and again. He played rough with his uncle and his cousins, and they could finally stop holding back (no more chest port--yay!). He got punched (in play) in the chest by his roughest cousin, and instead of coming to me crying, he finally just punched him back.

And the last thing--the very last thing--to change is that our minds have finally begun to feel like cancer is a thing of the past. As I said before, it was a long time since I felt like I could look to our future with any surety. But now I know I can. Cancer is no longer the first thing I tell people about my son. In fact, he's in a weekly music class and his teacher has no idea that just 10 months ago, he was battling cancer. You have no idea what a struggle it was in my head, to decide whether that was something she needed to know, or not. It was a big deal when I finally realized that cancer no longer defines our lives, and that it was okay for people to not know about it. That maybe they didn't even need or want to know about it.

And Mason...well, Mason asks me to tell him stories about the time that he had cancer. He asks to see his cancer blog, where he looks at pictures and asks questions, because he's already beginning to forget. Not all of it; sadly, he'll never be able to forget it all. But the biggest sign that cancer is a thing of the past, is that his mind is no longer filled with it. And if he's able to let go, I am definitely able to as well.

Two years ago, my son was diagnosed with cancer. It changed our lives.

Today, I didn't even remember the significance of the date until someone else mentioned it.

That's what I call progress.

Homeschooling Misconceptions

2012-10-22T03:14:00.001-06:00

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday, about the effects of homeschooling on children. I know she brought the subject up with good intentions in mind, and while none of it changed my mind about homeschooling (nothing can), a few of the assumptions and other things said, had me feeling offended and angry for a time afterward.

Among the things said, were (paraphrasing):

He (Mason) is going to be weird.
He won't be socialized.
That I must hate teachers because I won't send my son to public school.
I shouldn't send him to public high school after homeschooling, because he'll be socially awkward . Instead, I should send him to a private school if I decide to send him anywhere.
It's bad for him because he won't be learning what other kids his age are learning, and I'm teaching him things above his grade level, so he'll be too smart.
He won't get normal rites of passage, like prom.
Homeschooling will take up too many years of my life, and I will cease to have my own identity (passions, free-time, etc.).
That I'll have too much bonding time with Mason/we'll bond too much.

Now, please understand that these things were said in the nicest way possible, with only the best intentions in mind. In truth, when paraphrased and bunched together like this, it sounds much more harsh than it really was. Rest assured that my friend is still my friend, and I hold nothing against her.

I knew that once our family went down the homeschooling road, our every choice and action would be under constant criticism. I knew that we would be viewed as weird by some people, crazy by others, and plain stupid by a few others. I also knew that it would open the door for people with good intentions to decide that they know--better than me--what my son really needs in life.

I can see the logic behind it all, and I understand where it comes from. There aren't a lot of official statistics behind homeschooling success rates, and it's easy to look at the few (because let's face it--there are definitely some weird homeschoolers out there), and mistake them for the many. Heck, I was even sold for most of my life, on backwards misconceptions that I accepted to be fact: that homeschoolers are weird, they have no social skills, and they're all religious extremists. Not so!

During our conversation, I got the sense that the biggest worry of hers is the one argument people bring up that really gets to me the most. It's the biggest misconception of all: that public school = the only type of acceptable socialization.

Socialization: It's not what you think it is.

Let's look at the fundamentals of socialization for a moment. I came across this Anthropology course about the process of socialization, done by the Behavioral Sciences Department at Palomar College in California. It says:

Socialization
During socialization, we learn the language of the culture we are born into as well as the roles we are to play in life . . . We also learn and usually adopt our culture's norms through the socialization process. Norms are the conceptions of appropriate and expected behavior that are held by most members of the society . . . Socialization is important in the process of personality formation. While much of human personality is the result of our genes, the socialization process can mold it in particular directions by encouraging specific beliefs and attitudes as well as selectively providing experiences.

Source: The Process of Socialization, Behavioral Sciences Department; Palomar College (emphasis added)

Keeping that in mind, I want to share a response another homeschooling mother gave about the concern of her homeschooled children not being socialized. Her response was: "Go to your local middle school, junior high, or high school, walk down the hallways, and tell me which behavior you see that you think our son should emulate."

Very well said. I remember elementary, junior high, and high school, like they were yesterday (the latter really wasn't that long ago), and I know that those are not the environments I want my son adopting his cultural norms and expected behavior from. I'm not sure any socialization I, myself, had in junior high and high school even applied in life after both were through.

So the question now, is: where else does socialization come from? Let's go back to that Anthropology course:

How Are Children Socialized?
. . . There are two broad types of teaching methods--formal and informal. Formal education is what primarily happens in a classroom. It usually is structured, controlled, and directed primarily by adult teachers who are professional "knowers." In contrast, informal education can occur anywhere. It involves imitation of what others do and say as well as experimentation and repetitive practice of basic skills. This is what happens when children role-play adult interactions in their games.

Source: The Process of Socialization, Behavioral Sciences Department; Palomar College (emphasis added)

In homeschooling, I am simply combining these two teaching methods--taking the best from both, and making them work for Mason. Time in the classroom at home, and time out socializing in the real world, learning how the real world operates. This includes time spent in church, church activities, community activities, library activities, sports (he wants to start baseball next season, which makes me immensely happy), extended family activities, homeschooling group activities, museums, historical sites, art classes, music classes, etc.. There are so many other ways for healthy socialization to take place, that it seems hilarious that this is even an issue people bring up.

As for the other things mentioned, well...I don't see many downsides to them.

Yes, he may be learning things that public school children don't learn until later grades, but he's also struggling in some areas, and is learning at the "normal" rate for his age group in those. The main point is that he's learning at his own pace in each area--not any faster or slower than he's ready for.
Yes, there is definitely a lot of bonding going on in our home, but when has that ever been a bad thing? At a time when families are becoming more and more distant, and communication is quickly becoming more digital, I can see nothing more precious than time spent together.
Yes, he may miss out on some things people deem rites of passage. But not all of them. It's a little-known fact that there are homeschool associations who host "school" dances and other activities, including field trips and out-of-state group trips. Mason can take part in those when he's older (and we just went on our first group field trip this past weekend, to tour the train shop and ride the train with 250 other homeschoolers). Another little-known fact is that homeschooled students are allowed by law to participate in any extra-curricular activities, including sports, as long as they meet the same qualifications that are required of public school students. If he wants to participate when he's older, it will happen.
No, I don't hate teachers (my own mother is a teacher!), but I do really enjoy being his instructor, and the one who figures out how his mind works, so I can tailor my lessons to him; I enjoy being there to see his face light up when he's finally mastered a new concept, or discovered something new about the world; and I love to see the wheels in his mind turn as he thinks of answers to problems. All things I would not witness on such a level, if I sent him to public school.
And lastly: yes, homeschooling will take up years of my life. 12 more years, to be exact. And they will be the most time-consuming, occasionally frustrating, but ultimately rewarding, years of our lives.

As I understand it, the opinions my friend has on the subject come from first-hand experiences with homeschooled friends she had who were very socially awkward. I can see where her worry comes from, but we're not all like that! And I am definitely not homeschooling my son with the intention of turning him into a sheltered social outcast.

Anyway, I just had to voice my thoughts on the subject, since I do my best arguing after it's already too late to make an argument. :) I'm just saying that it's easy to look at our school system, and believe that's where our children's only chance at being well-rounded human beings lies. And for many people, it is. I don't dispute that public schools are awesome, and much-needed. In fact, our very own school district happens to be fantastic (I grew up in it myself), and I know that it's only gotten better since I went to school. I have nothing against families who choose to send their children to public school, and I think it's a great option to go with if it's right for your family.

Just don't forget that it's not the only option out there. And just like homeschool isn't the right fit for all families, public school isn't the right fit for all families, either.

Cat's Out Of The Bag + Homeschooling So Far

2012-10-18T18:38:00.001-06:00

Well, the cat's out of the bag: my son's name is Mason. I used to call him Monkey, but somewhere along the way I forgot--plus I began a blog for his cancer journey called Mase's Tumor Tales, which pretty much solidified it. So there you have it. Meet Mason:

On the homeschooling front, things are getting better and better. I'm learning how to teach Mason in ways that he will absorb what I'm teaching. I'm finding that he learns differently in each subject, and that reading is by far the hardest--and math by far the easiest. He's such a whiz in math!

I'm also learning to have patience, which I'm starting to believe is the reason I was called to homeschool in the first place. I have NO patience, and teaching a child anything new requires copious amounts of this elusive quality. We're both learning, which is the coolest part about it all.

Mason's favorite lesson so far has been the Great Pumpkin Investigation we conducted. I got these cute investigation booklets, and used them to write our estimates as we weighed and measured pumpkins, and did other experiments like seeing if they would float or sink (am I the only one who had no idea that pumpkins float in water?), seeing if the force of the wind from a blow dryer would knock them over, seeing how tall they were, and guessed how many seeds they would have. Then we carved them.

Mason has had a fascination lately with all things scary (especially zombies), so we melted a crayon to give his jack-o-lantern a scary bloody look.

More adventures soon!

Coming Home

2012-09-08T00:37:00.000-06:00

Had to get my feelings out, since this tiny exchange seems so significant right now....

Coming Home

It's that moment you walk into the dark bedroom after work; night-light guiding your way.

It's that moment the little being on the bed squints his eyes as they open--wary wrinkles forming on his brow, until smoothed away as he sees that it's you.

It's that moment he watches you remove your earrings, as you smile and say, "I love you."

That feeling when he blissfully smiles and whispers, "I love you."

And when you say, "Go back to sleep," he nods his head and drifts off; safe, now that you are home.

(P.S. There is also that moment--a few moments later--when you realize he has fallen asleep in his face paint.) ;)

In Which I Decide to Homeschool

2012-06-13T15:56:00.000-06:00

Image Credit

*Lengthy post warning*

Ever since Mason was born, I planned for him to be in public school. With the other options being pricey private schools, or "weird" homeschooling, public school seemed like the only thing for him. And around these parts, the education you get from public school is actually pretty awesome.

I don't remember when I first became open to the idea of homeschooling, but I do remember being so intrigued by an article that claimed that most homeschoolers aren't "weird" at all, and that homeschooled children usually perform better on tests, are more socially adept than other children or teens of their same age, and (gasp!) actually enjoy learning, that I had to look up the facts behind those statements. What I found surprised me. I won't get into it here, but after researching the results of good homeschooling, I was impressed and ready to start homeschooling Mason.

That was when he was three...and before I realized that I would actually have to do most of the work to make it happen. I'm ultimately lazy, and when it came time for him to start preschool, I went with the route that was easiest for me: I enrolled him in the preschool attached to the elementary, and took him to be taught...whatever he was taught...by a stranger.

It turned out that I hated that stranger. Every time I talked to her, I wondered why she was teaching in the first place. She didn't seem to like the kids, and she seemed to like the parents even less. It all came to a head when she tried to see if Mason really needed to do chemotherapy and radiation to fight his cancer ("Do they have to give it to him? Can't they just stop?" <--yeah they can...if I want him to die), and then tried to stop a chemo tantrum (a regular tantrum--magnified) during a parent-teacher conference by pulling him from my arms and yelling into his ear. I won't go into the specifics of everything else that happened, but we didn't go back to that class for the rest of the school year. He was in the hospital most of the time anyway, and sick the rest of the time. And while I knew bad experiences wouldn't happen with all of Mason's teachers, I couldn't shake that one from my memory. It also brought back memories of my own teachers, and some of the horrible things I witnessed in school, or had happen to me.

I know the kind of person I want Mason to grow up to be: honorable, hardworking, spiritual, creative, critical, and a leader. These things are no longer taught in schools, and they are definitely not values that are nurtured in junior high and high school environments. It wasn't that long ago that I was in high school myself, and BOY do I remember the things I learned there, and the things I pretended not to have, because they weren't cool.

On top of all of this, I was literally called to homeschool Mason. That may sound crazy, or it may sound outrageous, but it's true. Divine intervention dictated that for the past two years, each time that I decided to go ahead with public school, there where at least two things that would happen to bring me back to the idea of homeschooling.

For example:

I would come across an article out of nowhere, about homeschooling.

I would meet a person who was homeschooled.

I would meet parents who homeschool their children.

Quotes from religious books or talks would stand out to me in a way that emphasized the need to homeschool.

A re-run episode with the Duggars teaching their children at home came on one night, just as I had decided to go with public school.

A review book popped up in my email (I review books here) about a protagonist who is homeschooled.

And finally, a few weeks ago, I found out about a local homeschooling convention and fair (in a completely random way) the very hour that I had been considering the pros and cons of each choice.

The convention was last week, and after attending the workshops that were available, the final decision has been made: I am sold on homeschooling.

Will I mess up? Probably. But this is a learning process for both of us, and I have complete faith that I wouldn't be told to do something, if there wasn't a way for me to do it.

Will I regret it? Most likely. But only occasionally, when we have a bad day.

Will Mason actually learn anything? Absolutely. Of this, I have no doubts.

So call us weird, or judge as you may, but you can now consider us one of "those homeschooling families."

And I'm perfectly fine with that. :)

Hi, It's Me Again

2012-05-21T00:58:00.003-06:00

Well, I think it's about time I got back to this blog. I stopped blogging during Mason's cancer treatments, because it just felt like one more thing to do--especially since I made a blog specifically for treatment updates. But that's all done with (did I mention he is DONE? He kicked cancer's bootay!). There have been quite a few times lately where I have had the urge to type up a post, but stopped because of how long it's been. But...

...today, I'm back!

I'm going to be cleaning up this blog, the sidebars, and other things, to bring it all up to date. I think I'm going to center this blog more on Mason and I, and the things we do; more like somewhere to update my family and friends on how we're doing, and with time I'll get back to posting all of the crazy crafts I attempt to do. I've been extremely addicted to Pinterest for months now, and have done so many crafts just because of it. I'll be posting them here. I don't have a time-frame for more posts yet, but expect more from me from here on out.

It's good to be back! Thanks for waiting for me. :)

A Mark and a Legacy

2011-01-03T14:14:00.001-07:00

I’ve often heard about people who can’t wait to leave their mark on the world. I read about these people in books, watch them in movies, and occasionally meet a very passionate one, in person. They dream about doing great things, building landmarks, or making a difference in the world somehow; they want to leave a legacy behind, and they have big plans of how to do it.

I never understood that passion, until today.

My dad’s profession is as a mason. Stone, brick, marble, tile; you name it, and he can make something out of it. When he was still well enough to work, he had quite the demand for his skill, and he would have to juggle jobs in order to have enough time for each one; being the man he is, he couldn’t turn a job down. And BOY, did those jobs come! There never was a time that I remember when he was struggling for work. He was just that good.

His skill was passed down to all four of my brothers--including my brother-in-law--who each had their fair share of time working by his side, learning the trade. I remember many arguments over the years, either with other construction workers (over space, time, respect, theft of my dad’s costly materials), or with my brothers (when they got older it was about who knew the best/fastest way to finish the job). Hard labor can get rough sometimes, and the construction business is no exception.

Whatever the situation, my dad always pulled through, not only finishing the job, but putting up some of the best masonry work around. I haven’t ever thought much about what he did for a living. To me, it was just a job my dad did that earned money. He went to work, got all dirty, and came home. End of story. But I wasn’t thinking about the big picture.

He drove us to Mason’s radiation appointment today, up in Salt Lake. When it was done we drove through the Avenues, while he pointed out various houses that he had worked on. They were older houses, and the work most likely done before any of my brothers were old enough to help. This was purely my dad’s work. Later, as we drove past downtown Salt Lake, he would point out random buildings, walls, and planters that he had built, each with its own story.

I began to remember times in my past when he had done the same thing. Times when, as we were driving, out of nowhere he would pick out a house, building, wall, mailbox, and tell us the story of how he had built it, and anything interesting that had happened during construction. And I remembered what I always forget: the many places I pass each day, that he helped build; the beautiful fireplace in the entrance of the hotel in my hometown; the walls and businesses I see in Salt Lake every morning.

Thoughts began to enter my head, feelings of proudness for the work my dad has done his whole life; the knowledge that these buildings and structures he built can be found from here, to California, and all the way to Hawaii.

Whether he knows it or not, whether he ever felt a passion to do so, he has left his mark on the world, in the shape of warmth and comfort; in the shape of homes.

And not only that, but he has taught his sons the trade. And even though they have moved on to different professions, they will always have that skill to fall back on because it is not one that you forget. He has left a legacy behind, one that I never realized before. One that I am proud of.

All I can think now is that I want to leave my mark on the world, too, and that I want to leave behind a legacy of my own!!

This is Not a New Year's Post

2010-12-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't read much of what I wrote in those early days in the hospital back in November. I didn't want to think back to those days, when the future was bleak, and I could barely imagine what would be possible past the next day. Even though I was witness to two amazing miracles given my son during his two surgeries, and even more blessings given by family members, I somehow chose to ignore those happy parts. Yes, I talked about them, but at that time it was all I could do to breathe, and take care of Mason in his fragile state.

It's hard to describe what I felt; being so thankful for things, big and small, yet unable to make myself function to give proper thanks. Yet I still feel like that, unable to let myself do anything other than take Mason to doctor appointments, and come home. Anything past that is hard, therefore anything past that is unnecessary. I've closed myself off to the world, and chosen to only focus on things as they come. I've let a lot of things slip lately, and it's hard to know where to pick them back up. I'm not sure I even want to.

This week, I began letting myself read those things I wrote in the very beginning...and I can't believe it was me that wrote some of that stuff! It was hard to read what Mason and I have gone through, told in my own startlingly personal words. I felt my heart breaking all over again as I relived that morning before his first surgery, and had to remind myself to take deep breaths. Some of it still seems like it happened to some other mom; some other boy. Surely my sweet little boy didn't have to go through all that...right?

But in the end I know it's true, and he has gone through many hard things in just two months. It seems so long ago that we were in the hospital. It seemed like we were in there for months, yet I was honestly surprised to realize that it had only been two weeks. Two life-changing weeks.

Mason has been such a strong little boy these two months, and I am glad...but for selfish reasons. Because if he wasn't so strong, I'm not sure I would be able to help him at all. Like I said, I've closed myself off to the world, and sometimes that includes Mason. I feel terrible, but I know it's a survival instinct; one I am very good at bringing out.

Less feelings=less heartache. Survival 101.

I know this is all just a stage I'm going through; I've read everything there is to read about caregiver burnout, and I realize this morning that that's what this is. It doesn't happen when Mason needs something like going to an appointment, or needing a drink thickened. It's when he is perfectly happy and content, that it comes on, and I shut myself out. But someday I'll be able to feel again without being afraid of the next heartache, or the next medical scare.

I don't know where I was going with this, exactly. It started as a post about what I'm grateful for, and took a turn for the worst. Sometimes my hands take over and type what's truly in my mind. Sometimes I just need to type it all out and I feel better. We'll see.

Up, Up, and Away

2010-12-13T01:16:00.000-07:00

I've always identified with art in very personal ways. First it was music that I identified with, singing my soul out to the likes of Mariah Carey, Lauren Hill, and--for a time--the Backstreet Boys. Later, poetry and acting got the best of me, though I would have died before I admitted it to anyone but my mom. It wasn't "cool," but I enjoyed it well enough. I even wrote a few poems of my own, which are horrible, and will never be unearthed.

After high school, my taste in music and performances became more refined, and I now have very specific preferences for each. For instance: I love ballet, but not the opera. Riveting, I know.

When Mason was born, I began to develop an eye for the art of photography. I never understood it before. I was so taken by it that I am now a photographer. My favorite things is when someone (myself, especially) can clearly capture emotions and relationships on camera. It makes my heart skip a beat when I come across pictures like that, even if I'm not the one who took the picture.

And that has opened the door to something that I never thought I would like: paintings. Maybe it was just because of a bad experience in art class, but I have never much liked paintings. I never liked anything by Van Goh or Da Vinci, and even the famous Mona Lisa wasn't anything special in my eyes.

But lately, I have begun to see the beauty in painting. I am amazed when I see a painting that can capture feelings, and emotions, and relationships, and I sometimes feel my heart skip a beat, too.

Three paintings have done this to me because of specific emotions they brought out at the different stages of my life that I came across them. They are all by the same artist: Katie M. Berggren, and--not surprisingly--they all have a mother and her child. :)

The first was this, titled A Light In The Dark:

And oh, if anything could capture the love and joy my son brought when he was born, it is this. I found this painting and this artist years after Mason was born, but this brought back that entire first year, and the feeling of finding my calling in life.

Next was Spirit Soaring:

First seen last year, it always reminds me of the purely happy days I have had with my son, constantly on an adventure, soaring towards the future.

And now there is this, tittled Up, Up, and Away:

I find it ironic that I first saw it just before Mason was diagnosed with cancer. Also ironic, is the fact that Mason will soon be bald, like the child in this painting. But I loved it then, and I love it even more now. For me, the emotions of love, protectiveness, and peace, all make an appearance. I see a boy who is at peace in his mom's lap, who feels safe and comfortable. And I see a mom who loves her son, and wants to protect him from the trials he will face, as they go up, up, and away.

I am truly awe-struck by these paintings, and they will always remind me of these times in my life. What a talent to have, to be able to paint these emotions on a blank canvas! What a talent to be able to paint something that others can identify with!

Simply beautiful.

See Katie M. Berggren's website, or buy her artwork on Etsy.

Lessons Learned

2010-12-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post today, especially since I already posted on Mason's tumor blog. I don't want to suddenly overwhelm everyone with posts. Especially another one like this. But after this happened, I had to blog about it and get my feelings out...it was too long for a short FB update.

As Mason and I were getting ready to go to the library today, I was going through the usual pre-library lecture:

We aren't loud in libraries.
You can get books, but you have to pick them one at a time.
If you come to the library, you can't get bored immediately after you have all you books. You have to wait until I have my books too.
And if you get tired again, I am not holding you. You're too heavy to carry around the entire libra--

That's where I stopped. That's where the past five months of library visits clicked, and I realized my mistake.

Mason wouldn't be tired this time. He would be able to walk from the car to the front doors without asking me to hold him. He may even make it all the way down the stairs without begging and pleading for me to pick him up and carry him everywhere.

Why?

Because his tumor is no longer holding all his major nerves captive, or putting constant pressure against his brain.

After this summer, I hated taking Mason to the library. I dreaded it. Avoided it whenever possible. He would beg to come with me, and then get tired after five minutes of being there. He would pick ten of the heaviest children's books they carry, hand them to me, and beg and plead for me to carry him and his books around. Because he was tired. Because he was bored. Because he had a headache.

After a few times, I wouldn't hold him anymore.

Next, I told him he couldn't come to the library if he couldn't walk like a big boy.

And eventually, I wouldn't even take him with me.

And all that time, his little body was struggling to win a fight against cancer, with no help, no medicines; no one to tell him it was okay to be tired all the time.

What a terrible mother I've been.

I know I can't change the past, but I wish there was nothing for me to want to change. I wish I had been more understanding, and then this lecture I had been giving him wouldn't seem so terrible. The words themselves fell like a poison I've been telling him for the past five months.

I feel so bad for this poor boy.

We're on our way to the library right now. And if he wants to be loud, or to leave, or even to be held the whole time...well, I've learned my lesson once. That's all it takes.

I Heart Faces: Scenic B&W

2010-11-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

This week's theme over at I Heart Faces is Scenic B&W. I wasn't going to enter, due to everything that's goin on right now, but I saw the theme, and this picture immediately came to my mind:

I picked it because I LOVE the place it was taken at, and I love this kid! It was taken at a family get together there this past summer, on a hill at my grandpa's ranch. My nephew and his dog were just having the best time walking through the tall grass, not paying attention to anyone else. They were doing their own thing, out in the great outdoors with more hills behind them, and just seemed right there in their element. I had to take the picture.

Good luck to the other entrants! Don't forget to go see more of the awesome entries at I heart Faces!

Gratitude

2010-11-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

I usually don't take part in the traditional gratitude blog post. I'm not sure why, but I never really feel like I can add anything else to what others have already said. But this year, there is no way I can go without one. I have so many things to be grateful for! But I warn you, that due to certain recent events, this gets pretty personal. Feel free to stop reading at any time. You have my permission.

I am grateful for God and his goodness. I am grateful for his love and direction in my life. I am grateful for his plan, which--I see now--is infinite in its nature...he's been planning my life since long before I was born!

I am grateful for blessings and miracles.

I am grateful for every breath my son still takes.

I am grateful for medicine, science, and education, and research, that allows my son to be given the most up-to-date care available.

I am grateful for my family, immediate and extended. I am grateful for their love, support, understanding, and friendship. I am grateful for being sent into the BEST family possible!

I am grateful for mothers--my own, myself, and others.

I am grateful for fathers--my own, and others.

I am grateful for family gatherings, and the welcoming of my aunt and uncle into their home.

I am grateful for the priesthood, and those who hold it, blessing the lives of those around them.

I am grateful for being able to live in this day and age, with so many comforts and needs readily available.

I am grateful for my grandpa, and his constant presence on my life.

And yes, I am grateful for my trials--even now--which allow me to grow and be blessed in ways I never thought possible.

My prayers have been answered, although in a way I never expected. And I am grateful.

P.S. You can read updates about Mason HERE.

Perception, And People in Hallways

2010-11-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

I used to walk down the hallways of hospitals, and see mothers or fathers pushing their child in a wheelchair, and pulling an IV rack behind them. I would always smile at the child, noticing first the the many cords and tubes connecting them to the IV rack, and then their gender or hair color. As I passed by, I would feel a sadness in my heart for that child, who had obviously been dealing with whatever condition they had for their whole life.

After all, things that limiting didn't just happen anytime. They happened at birth, and were dealt with and accepted by early childhood. The parents always knew they would be the ones pulling an IV rack behind them. The child always knew he/she would be confined to a bed and connected to a machine. They always knew what lay ahead for their child. It was the norm for them. They always knew.

Oh, how could I be so wrong?

I walk down the halls of the hospital now, and wonder how long it has been since this or that person has found out something terrible about their child. I see parents standing at bedsides and wonder how soon before that moment, their world came crashing down. How much warning did they have that something was wrong? Was it enough to prepare themselves? Is it ever enough?

I sit and think about what their future will look like. Will their child recover? Will he/she lose simple, basic, body functions, like the ability to swallow? What toll will this have on their child?

I wonder these things, because I don't know them for myself.

Mason is recovering quickly, yes...but there are still many things that can go wrong. At the moment, he is having a hard time swallowing food, and may have to have a feeding tube inserted. If his body can't regulate the extra fluid in his brain, he will have to have a permanent shunt...among other things.

Life in the hospital is hard for him. His characteristic strong will has been broken, and he has resorted to outright begging and pleading when anyone comes near with a needle, or something that looks like it may hurt. He has nightmares about being poked with a needle, or being held (stuck in bed). He's losing trust in my comforting since it is never "alright," as I say it will be.

And after all this; after all this scary pain and discomfort, there is still the Chemo and Radiation therapy to get through. And after that, there is the chance that it may return...or that it may not completely go away.

And the hardest part is that this was not expected. This was not planned for, or made known ahead of time. This has not been going on since birth. This was sudden; so sudden, that I had no idea of the enormous amount of things I should have prepared him for as I said goodbye in the surgery area; all the pain he should expect, and the changes in body regulation; that he would have to wear a diaper, even though he is a "big boy."

I am now that mother pushing my son in a wheelchair, pulling an IV rack behind as we walk down the hallway. I never knew. I have been so naive.

Thank goodness he is resilient. I hope it's enough.

Update!

2010-11-05T10:17:00.001-06:00

Mason has been out of surgery since last night, and is doing very well! I have been thinking over and over of how to put all that we have experienced into a post, but kept coming up with nothing. There is no way it would all fit. There is no way I can even express it all. There is just too much, and a lot of it is very dear and personal.

In a nutshell: the fact is that we have received a miracle.

The neurosurgeon told us before the surgery, that he was almost certain he wouldn't get all of the tumor out. He wasn't really sure they would even get enough of it out to call it successful. But he would keep going for as long as it took. Chances looked grim, and I felt my world closing in around me as I prepared myself for the worst news I could possibly hear.

At the time of the surgery, I felt a peace come over me. I did not worry (which is completely out of character), and allowed myself to hope for good news. But the news I heard was more than I could even imagine. The tumor--I am told--grew in such a way that it pushed his brain open and created a pathway for the surgeon to get deeper into his brain than they normally would have. They were able to remove what they believe to be about 95% of the tumor! And although he probably won't receive his hearing back, the surgeon was successful in uncovering the many delicate nerves and veins that the tumor had held captive, except for one (which is the other 5%). They are calling it a success.

I know it is a miracle.

The road ahead will be long and arduous, but I have little fears about what lies ahead. Mason is a trooper, and is already recovering remarkably fast. Even in his pain, he keeps his sweet disposition; asking politely for things he wants, and being lulled to sleep by nothing other than Thomas the Train, played continually all night.

This boy is blessed, and I am even more blessed to be his mommy!

November 4th, 2010

2010-11-04T06:51:00.000-06:00

This morning finds me sitting in a rolling chair, amidst cords, machines, and monotonous beeping. The walls are made of glass, with curtains used as coverings. The room next door is playing lullabies, and I've been watching the light show on the ceiling off-and-on since yesterday. I'm tired, drained, and exhausted. But this post isn't about me.

It's about Mason.

He's only just gone to sleep a few hours ago, fighting it in every way humanly possible. First, there were the innocent requests to play games; generously brought to him by his thoughtful cousins, there was no shortage of possible activities. Next, it was the requests for movies; of which he would change his mind many times, on what he wanted to watch before the opening act was through. Then came the crying.

He wanted to go home.

He missed his family.

He missed his grandma.

He wanted his grandma to come take him home.

Hospitals are not fun.

It wasn't long after the crying that he fell asleep. And I couldn't help myself. I crawled into the hospital bed with him and fell asleep. It may be the last time I sleep with my son. It may not. I won't know until the 6-12+ hour surgery is over. Oh, the possibilities of outcomes I could come up with in just 6 hours. I haven't been letting myself think of anything close to that. It wouldn't be good.

He's awake, now, and is very thirsty. And hungry. But he can't eat or drink anything because he's having surgery at 10:00. Even though he's tired, grouchy, and angry for waking up still in the hospital, he is still my sweet Mason, telling the nurse in a sweet voice: "It's okay," when she says sorry for having to wake him up early. His breathing had been consistently shallow.

And now he sits, not quite content, but pacified (for now) at the prospect of watching Mickey Mouse on the TV. And I can't help but think of how different my life will be from this point on...how different his life will be from this point on. I feel selfish, taking the time to write this while he's obviously awake. But I need something to do besides cry, because that's the mood I am in this morning.

You see, my son; my sweet, playful son, has a brain tumor the size of (or bigger than) a golf ball...and it's growing fast, expanding and stretching its reckless self in every cavity, and through every vein and nerve it can. It's starting to make its way down his neck, blocking fluid, and expanding his vertebrae in the process. This thing is ugly. And it picked my son.

I don't know the name of the tumor. In his wisdom, the neurosurgeon withheld that information from all of us, saying he knew we would just drive ourselves crazy researching it on the internet. Funny how he knew that; he said the words as I was thinking of the search terms I would type, in my head. He isn't too sure if he knows what it is anyway. It could be malignant or benign; they have no idea. They just know it's aggressive. So, our information is limited to what I have typed above, until after the 6+ hour surgery. By then, a decision will have been made in the operating room, and I will have had no part in it. I can only trust that my son is in good hands.

I may post more when the surgery is done. But in all honesty, that depends entirely on the outcome.

3 Steps to Journaling {for the rest of us}

2010-10-31T17:05:00.000-06:00

I've gotten a lot of comments on my blog and in person about my last post and my 5 journals, and how I keep them all. I now feel the need to come clean. I don't really "keep" them, at all. The truth is, I have never been the kind of person who could remember to write in a journal every night. This is evidenced by this blog, which has been neglected for months.

When I decided that I really wanted to make an effort to keep a journal, I knew some things had to change. Because I knew I would never write every single day, I made a way for me to be able to write less, but end up with more.

So here is the system I came up with, and it works perfectly...for me, at least.

1.) Have a different journal for every category you write about.

This mostly has to do with me being obsessive compulsive about my journals. I hated having one page written about how angry I was at something, and then the next page being about what cute thing my son had just done. Things kept clashing like that, and it really bothered me.

I also felt that if I was writing about something, then I had to write about everything. If I just wanted to write about something cute my son did, then I would have to write about that whole day, and everything that I missed writing about in between entries. This made me less likely to write at all.

So I divided my journaling into 5 categories, and bought a journal for each one:

1: Personal

This is basically my journal for keeping up to date on things that happen in my life, any plans I want to make, and rants and raves.

2: Spiritual

My favorite, and most used journal. It's really helped with me staying focused on what's really important.

3: Mason

Anything I want him to know or remember about his youth; anything I don't want to forget. When I write in this one, I write to him in the future, because I plan to give it to him when he's older.

4: Books

A huge list of all the books I have ever read, the dates I finished them, and if I liked them or not. I also mark which ones are my absolute favorites.

5: Computer

I have a journaling software on my computer, and it is amazing! I basically use this one for writing in whenever I am too tired to pick up a pen and write. I also use it to keep my dream journal, when I have a cool dream, just because I always forget them soon after I wake up, and I can type faster than I can write.

Your categories could be anything. Just make sure they fit your life. :)

2.) Set a day aside each week that is just for writing in journals, and write in at least one.

Pick a day to write, and keep it consistent. If you always know what day you are going to write on, it is easier to set aside time to do it.

I made Sunday my journal day, because it is always the day that I am the most free, and I am guaranteed time to write. But I don't write in them all. Sometimes I have nothing to say. But I always write in at least one of them.

3.) Write when you feel like it.

Once you are writing on that one day each week, you don't have to write in your journals any more than that. But things will come up every once-in-a-while that you'll want to write about. Go ahead and do it. Pick the journal it applies to, and write about it. But since the journal has a specific theme, you won't have to write about everything else, too...unless you want to.

Now, start journaling!!

Memories

2010-10-17T16:44:00.001-06:00

GASP! I know, I'm posting. Shocker, right? This has been on my mind lately, and I needed to post it:

Photography has opened my eyes up to a lot of things. One of the most prevalent, is that of memories. I like memories.

I crave memories.

When I was a little girl, I couldn't fathom how I would ever be able to forget the events of each day. Each day had such a strong importance in my life, that I just knew I would remember every moment.

As an adult, I can't fathom how I would ever be able to remember the events of each day. Each day still has such a strong importance in my life, that I just know I would never remember every moment...and I cherish each moment; each smile that comes from my son's face, and each time he tells me why I am "the best mommy in the whole world." I am busy, forgetful, and worst of all, selfish to the point of micro-focusing on my own needs. These memories slip by quickly. I hate that.

But things are changing. Photography is changing them. There's something about capturing the way a person's laugh lights up their face that makes me tremendously happy. There's something about capturing my family on camera, that makes me want to capture it in every way possible. That's where the memory craves come in; old and new. I want to always remember the days "back then," and I never want to forget today.

This year, although I haven't been blogging much lately, I have still been preserving memories by way of journals (which I currently have 5 that I keep), photography, my parent's life stories, a family blog dedicated to newsletters my grandma wrote, and collecting memories of my grandfather for something special.

This is not for me alone. I do this so I can show my children (current and future) how I see the world through my lens, and to tell them that they're not alone in their struggles through my journals. I want them to know how amazing their ancestors were, and what their sacrifices have given all of us.

When I started each one they seemed like huge, time-consuming endeavors. I wasn't sure I would keep up with any of them. But somehow, I have found time for each one. They're important to me, and (I hope) will one day be important to my children.

And so to everyone who has helped, is helping, or will help, in making, collecting, and keeping memories: thank you. I love you. You're in my memories!