Life With A Little One and More

1 Year Blogiversary Giveaway

2009-11-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

To celebrate my 1 year blogging anniversary, I thought I'd have a giveaway for my loyal readers (that would be you). As I mentioned before, the items aren't anything special; just stuff I've had and am willing to part with and thought you might enjoy. (This is a shoestring operations folks!)

Here is how it will work. There are four items in the giveaway. You can pick one that you would be interested in getting. I will divide everyone up into four groups based on the item they picked. I will then draw a winner from each of the four groups. So here are the four items:

Item 1: 52 Ways to Make A House A Home Cards by Lynn Gordon -- This deck of cards provides ideas for making anywhere you live feel like home. Ideas include suggestions for making an inviting entryway, keeping a home journal, creating lovely lighting, gardens galore and repair and care.

Item 2: 52 Activities for You and Your Baby Cards by Lynn Gordon -- This deck of cards offers a fun and simple way to interact with a little one, from stimulating your infant's perceptions to lulling your baby to sleep. Pick an activity that will offer new developmental experience with sight, sound, scent or movement.

Item 3: The Imperfect Mom: Candid Confessions of Mothers Living in the Real World edited by Therese J. Borchard -- Description from Amazon: The supermom is a suburban legend. At some point, we’ve all forgotten to pack a lunch, yelled at our kids, or been late to soccer practice. This book is for every mom who has ever gotten angry at being interrupted from a consecutive five hours of sleep, or who has ever hid in the bathroom just to get a few moments of peace. In this collection of 36 original essays, award-winning novelists, famous columnists, and bestselling authors tell it like it is, covering a plethora of confessions to reassure any mother. Gail Belsky writes about the emotional torture that led to the secret circumcision of her son. Andrea Buchanan talks about the pile of dirty laundry that saved her son's life. Muffy Mead-Ferro confesses to her slacker summer, three months without one organized activity. Judith Newman recounts the game of Torpedo that landed her and her twins in the emergency room. Jacquelyn Mitchard shares how she was expelled from the carpool for showing up late one too many times. Together, their stories provide an entertaining, affirming, and sometimes surprising look at the perils and pleasures of motherhood. Poignant and amusing, The Imperfect Mom is a refreshing look at mistakes we all make in mothering and a consoling and hilarious testimony to parents who don't have it all figured it out.

Item 4: The Secret Lies of Men and Women: A Postsecret Book compiled by Frank Warren -- Description from Amazon: Postsecret.com founder Frank Warren is back with an irresistible addition to his bestselling PostSecret series. For The Secret Lives of Men and Women, Warren has selected a never-before-seen collection of postcards bearing the explosive confessions and captivating revelations of men and women everywhere. Created using photographs, collages, illustrations, and more, the handmade cards offer a compelling dialogue on some of today's most provocative topics--from marriage and infidelity, to parenting, office politics, repressed fantasies, and even abortion--daring us to consider how well we really know our friends, family, even ourselves.

So remember, if you want to enter, leave a comment in this post indicating which item you would most like to win! The giveaway will end on November 17th and I'll announce winners shortly after that. And thanks to everyone who reads this blog. You make it so much fun and worthwhile! I wish I could give all of you a little token of my appreciation!

1 Year Blogiversary: Part 3 — Blogging Brightly Leads To Burnout

2009-11-05T08:00:00.002-05:00

To celebrate this blog's one year blogiversary today, I've been writing a history of my blog broken up into several posts. Part 1: A Bumbling Beginning can be found here, and Part 2: Comments Are Like Crack can be found here. Today I present the final installment.

Blogging Brightly Leads To Burnout

AKA If You Fly Too Close to the Sun Wearing Wax Wings, Your Wings Will Melt and You'll Fall To Earth (Or I Start To Overdo It and Risk Blogging Burnout)

As I got into a blogging rhythm and began to develop a loyal following, I entered My Golden Age of Blogging. I posted regularly, and my number of followers and comments kept increasing. I was thrilled. I redesigned my blog, started my own meme and was reading and commenting on close to 250 blogs on a regular basis.

I kept this up for about 3 or 4 months and then one day when I sat down to write, I didn't feel like writing anything. Then we went away on vacation, and I came home to something like 2,343 unread blog posts in my Google Reader. I felt overwhelmed. Blogging wasn't that fun anymore.

I was tired of reading blogs that I didn't really like just so they would visit my blog and leave me a comment. I was growing tired of running over to SITS each morning for roll call and then getting a few comments that all seemed to say the same thing "Stopping by from SITS." (Nothing against SITS, but I personally found the experience a tad overwhelming.) I was tired of feeling pressure from something that had once been a fun and creative outlet for me.

It was at this point that I seriously contemplated giving up blogging altogether. But Mr. Jenners reminded me that I was putting this pressure on myself. "If you are only reading blogs to get a comment on your own, what is the point? Just stop it." he said. "Just read the blogs you really like, and write when you feel like writing. And stop dinking around with your layout and focus on content."

As much as I hated to admit it, Mr. Jenners was right. I was starting to lose my focus. My crack/blog addiction was starting to affect me negatively. I needed to scale back and find a healthy medium.

It was at this point that I started posting less. The pressure to post almost every day was getting too much, and I realized that I actually preferred blogs that didn't post every day myself (so much easier to keep up with). I realized that if I wasn't really enjoying a blog, I could stop reading it. The worst that would happen was they might stop reading my blog. I realized that I would rather have a small group of readers who really wanted to read what I wrote rather than a large group of readers who skimmed my posts and left generic comments hoping I would visit their blog in return. I realized I wanted quality comments versus quantity, and I wanted to build meaningful relationships with the regular readers of my blog.

So I cut my blog roll down to about 100 blogs (split between personal blogs and book blogs). I started posting about two to three times a week (unless I really had something to say). I stopped trying to grow my blog by frantically joining every meme I came across. I got much more relaxed about blogging and began to enjoy it more. It became fun again, and I found that I still had a lot to say once I took the pressure off myself.

And that is where I've been ever since. I post when I have something to say, I only add a new blog to my blog roll if I really like reading it, and I don't pursue new readers with a maniacal gleam in my eyes. If I'm busy in my real life, I take a blogging hiatus and don't worry about whether I'll have readers when I get back. This change in attitude has made all the difference and is why I think I can keep this sucker going indefinitely.

It amazes me that I've been doing this for a year now, and I still feel excited about it. So, to thank you all for your wonderful support in the past year, tomorrow I'll announce a giveaway. (As I mentioned before, don't get too excited. It really isn't anything all that special.)

And, because my mom is coming to visit for a few weeks, I might be taking a short blogging hiatus so I can focus on my visit with her. I know you'll be there when I get back, and, if you aren't, well, that is OK too. I'm still going to do my thing and be happy.

1 Year Blogiversary: Part 2 — Comments Are Like Crack

2009-11-04T08:00:00.005-05:00

To celebrate this blog's one year blogiversary on Thursday, I'm writing a history of my blog broken up into several posts. Part 1: A Bumbling Beginning can be found here.

Comments Are Like Crack

AKA when my self-esteem-rose-and-fell-based-on-the-number-of-comments-my-blog-had-and-I-whored-my-blog-shamelessly-on-meme-after-meme

As any blogger knows, getting your first comments from strangers is a total rush and you immediately want more, more, more. It is very much like having a crack addiction (not that I know that first-hand, I'm just guessing). As soon as I started getting a few comments, I wanted more and wanted them now. I began obsessively visiting other blogs in the hopes that they would come to visit my blog too. I had trouble sleeping as I thought up ideas for posts. I compulsively checked for comments every five minutes, and my housekeeping went to hell in a hand basket (although Mr. Jenners would argue that this was always the case). Like any addict, all I thought about was blogging, comments, comments and comments.

I joined SITS and other comment support groups and began expanding my blog roll exponentially. My collection of followers started to grow—and my self-esteem went up and down with each addition or subtraction. If I got a new follower, I would have a good day. If I lost a follower, I would be whiny and miserable. It was pathetic and sad. Knowing what I know now, here is some advice for newbie bloggers:

Advice for Newbie Bloggers: Don't worry about how many readers you have or don't have. Focus on your content and building relationships with like-minded bloggers.

Advice for Newbie Bloggers: You are not legally required to post awards you may be given from other bloggers or follow the rules associated with said awards. Although getting an award can be nice, blog awards are a little like chain letters. Keeping up with them can take a lot of time and often make for boring posts (in my opinion). I tend to skip over any blog award post unless I'm mentioned.

Advice for Newbie Bloggers: You do not have to participate in every meme you come across. Just do the ones you really enjoy and fit your style. For me, I've always enjoyed doing Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

Advice for Newbie Bloggers: The best way to grow your blog is to leave thoughtful comments on other people's blogs and to participate in a handful of memes and visit the other participants. Also be sure to respond to anyone who visits your blog by repaying the visit if possible.

Very soon after starting this blog, I realized that I "needed" to have another blog to write about reading and books—a passion of mine. I wanted a separate blog for that stuff because I knew it would probably take on life of its own (and it did). It was shortly after this blog began that I started Find Your Next Book Here. I mean, why not have two blogs and get twice as many comments?

My blogging obsession was in full swing, and I entered what I consider to be My Golden Age of Blogging. However, the downside to blogging was about to be experienced. Stay tuned for Part 3 of my blogging saga—Blogging Brightly Leads To Burnout.

1 Year Blogiversary: Part 1 — A Bumbling Beginning

2009-11-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Thursday, November 5th, marks the one year anniversary of this blog. A momentous occasion. I'm surprised President Obama (whose cabinet I "chose" in my second blog post) didn't make it a national holiday.

To celebrate, I thought I would do two things. First, I'm writing a history of My Year In Blogging and, like any good blogger worth her salt, I'm going to do a giveaway. (Don't get too excited. I don't have corporate sponsorship—just some stuff I have that is kind of interesting and I'm willing to part with. Lame, I know, but what can I say—this blog is running in the red.)

To avoid an insanely long post, I'm breaking it up into several parts to be published this week, and it will end with a giveaway.

A Bumbling Beginning

AKA When I was a template-changing-widget-adding-daily-posting-clueless-newbie-blogger

I got into blogging via Facebook. I had posted a list of books I'd read in 2008 in my Notes section and my college buddy Colleen gave me a link to her blog, which had a review for a book she thought I might like. I wandered on over to this mysterious "blog" and was instantly entranced. "Hey!" I thought, "This looks kind of cool. Maybe I can do this too." I joined Blogger immediately and willy-nilly gave my blog an address I would regret later. (I joined Blogger without doing any homework on blogging platforms. If I had, I would have probably gone with Wordpress instead as they seem to have better features.)

Note To Newbie Bloggers: Think about your blogging platform and blog name before starting your blog.

Note To Newbie Bloggers: Less is more when it comes to your blog design. Don't stuff it full of widgets. Trust me, I know!

My first post was entitled "Why Blog?" and I'm actually impressed with my foresight as to why I was doing this. I'll admit, I spent the first few weeks as a blogger changing my template every few days and adding widgets like they were going out of style. I also posted almost every day—despite the fact that no one was reading my blog outside of a few friends who I kept bothering about it.

Believe it or not, at one point the name of my blog was Jenners Jabbers. How awful is that? I then changed it to Life With A Little One and More and that stuck. (Of course, my blog URL doesn't match my blog title to my endless annoyance. I may or may not do something about that someday.)

Anyway, I had a blast those heady first weeks—I wrote my little heart out and was so jazzed about the whole blogging thing. Mr. Jenners—mindful of the fact that I tend to get excited about stuff and quit soon after—smiled patiently and waited for my enthusiasm to pass. (Haha ... joke's on you, Mr. Jenners.) Mr. Jenners never really gave me a hard time about blogging though. His only rule was that I couldn't post photos of the Little One.

I started visiting other blogs and found these mysterious things called memes, which I started joining up willy nilly. This led to some of my first comments from people I didn't already know and began Phase 2 of my blogging career.

Things I'm Learning At The Bus Stop

2009-11-01T18:45:00.002-05:00

Ever since the Little One started kindergarten, I've been waiting with him at the bus stop (and will continue to do so until I'm booted out.) It has been quite an educational experience. Here are just a few of the things I've learned so far. (Keep in mind the kids at the bus stop are all in elementary school and aren't older than 10 years old.)

Little girls today have extensive wardrobes. The Little One has been in school for about two months now, and I've seen most of the outfits the little girls have worn to school. I've noticed there have been very few repeats. On the other hand, the moms (me included) seem to have 5 basic outfits we wear daily—jeans/sweats on the bottom and about 5 shirts rotated each week. What's up with that? Shouldn't the grown-ups have more extensive wardrobes? One of the reasons I've noticed the girl's wardrobes is because...

Little girls today dress like mini-sluts and/or Hollywood starlets. I'm stunned by some of the outfits these little girls are wearing—sparkly tight tops, very short skirts, Ugg boots with shorts, poofy short skits with sequins, boots with high stacked heels. I would have never been allowed to wear these kinds of clothes when I was in 2nd grade, but it seems to be the norm nowadays. (Either that or I'm totally getting old and it can't possibly be that, right?)

Bratz Dolls Or The Little Girls At The Bus Stop?
It is hard to tell the difference!

Bakugan Battle Brawlers is incomprehensible to anyone above the age of 7. Have you heard about Bakugan Battle Brawlers? This "game" consists of some cards and some balls that can pop open when they are on special cards. It is all the rage with the little boys at the bus stop, but I cannot figure it out to save my life—even after suffering through one of the cartoon shows. There are dragons involved, and some complicated scoring system but it makes no sense to me at all. The other mothers were just as lost and clueless as I was. The kid who is most obsessed with them (I call him "Bakugan Boy"—not to his face of course, in my head) tries to explain it to me every morning but it just sounds like "And this guy is fire and he has blah blah blah 60 points blah blah gate card blah blah blah." All I really know is that if you have a Bakugan-obsessed kid in your life, the rage for the holiday season is the new 7 in 1 Dragonoid!

Bakugan Battle Brawlers

I defy you to explain this coherently to an adult!

Second grade isn't too early to adopt a "too cool for school" attitude. There are a few kids at the bus stop who I know for a fact are only in second grade. To me, this is still an age of youth and innocence. However, these kids come off like high school punks characterized by sullen silence, long hair covering their eyes, and raggy clothes. If they weren't so small, I would be intimidated by them. When it is raining out, they are "too cool" to have umbrellas or raincoats or to even put their sweatshirt hood up. And even if the bus is there and they aren't at the bus stop already, they don't run ... they shuffle, slowly. With their heads down.

As I wrote this post, I realize I'm having a bit of culture shock here. I feel like Cranky Old Lady Jenners, complaining about "Kids today...pshaw. They weren't like that in my day." I'm used to what life was like when I was in grade school (which seems like another age altogether). Kids today seem so different and more sophisticated (but not in a totally good way). It kind of scares me and makes me sad. But I guess I need to "get with it" and realize that this is (for better or worse) the world that the Little One is growing up in.

Of course, this is from the mother whose last blog post was making up goofy porn titles like "Titty Titty Gang Bang" so what am I yammering on about?

Game 10: Goofy Porn Movie Titles

2009-10-30T00:01:00.007-04:00

On Monday, I challenged you to come up with (or research) ridiculous porn movie titles. I thought this would be the perfect game for Mischief Night. I'm so looking forward to seeing what you came up with. Here are some that people submitted already, as well as some I came up with.

From my friend Jaime (big-time musical theater star):

A Bigcummer Night's Cream by William Skankspeare

From my blogging buddy Sometimes Sophia:

The Son of a Gun Also Rises (Porn for the middle-aged, Va-va-va-voom set? Weak, I know...)

Orifice Space

Dodged Balls

Ghost Bustiers

Bruised Almighty (...for S&M aficionados?)

From me:

Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon

(Bob Pussy's) All That Jizz

Bang Her Like Beckham

Titty Titty Gang Bang

Juan Blew Over Coco's Breast (by Ken Easy)

Transgenders: Revenge of the Tucked

The Curious Face in Benjamin's Butthole

Sperms from Endowed Men (I think the rest of the titles were pretty obvious but this one is supposed to be based on "Terms of Endearment" ... just so you know.)

Now it is your turn! Mr. Linky is below. (But if you don't want to post this kind of filth on your blog, feel free to put your ideas on the comments.) I do shudder to think what kind of horrible terrible people this post is going to bring to my blog though!

The Most Frightening Halloween Craft EVER!

2009-10-28T08:14:00.016-04:00

Thursday = Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop
Participate, read, comment!

This week, I misread the prompts and had it in my head that there was one about the most frightening Halloween craft you ever did. Well, looking at the prompts again, I realized that there wasn't really a prompt about this but there were two prompts that I must have jumbled up together:

Show us your spooky side (I did that already in this post!)
Show and Tell using your favorite Halloween home decor

So, being a rebel, I'm combining these two prompts to create my own prompt:

Show us your most frightening Halloween craft.

Why certainly, Mama Kat. I'm glad you asked. It was like this prompt was tailor-made for me! Here is my story of the most frightening Halloween craft EVER!

Last year, Mr. Jenners had to go to the doctor's office right before Halloween. In the waiting room, he had few reading options so he was paging through Better Homes and Gardens (a magazine I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to subscribe to as I don't think we meet the criteria of having a better home or garden). Anyway, when he got home, he was all excited about this craft idea that he saw—using a pumpkin to act as as flower pot for mums!

It was a very easy craft to do—even the most craft-impaired person like myself could pull this one off. Basically, you cut off the top of a pumpkin, hollow it out and then place a container of mums inside. Easy peasy! The results were lovely, and we were so proud and happy.

So now I'm sure you're saying: "But wait, Jenners! Didn't you say this was a frightening craft? How is a pumpkin filled with mums frightening?"

Well, you impatient little wenches, I'm not done yet!

The frightening part comes a few weeks after the craft is done...after the pumpkins and mums have been sitting outside for a few weeks. In the rain. And then heat. And then rain again.

The frightening part comes when you decide the craft is done and needs to be disposed of. When you take the mums out of the pumpkin and find this...

and this...

And you wish you had
worn one of these...

...because the smell is intense,
disgusting and pervasive.

It makes you want to do this.

Aren't you glad
I'm not a craft blog?

Be sure to stop by on Friday for my Mischief Night Fun & Games with Jenners—we're making up porn movie titles!

An Early Halloween Treat For You

2009-10-26T09:37:00.015-04:00

I know you guys love it when I debase and embarrass myself on this blog. How else can I explain why this post is one my most popular? So, because I want to thank you for your continued support of my ridiculousness and ramblings, here is an early Halloween treat for you—photos of me in various Halloween costumes over the ages. Now, this isn't just me as a child dressed up. That would be too boring and cloying. No, these are photos of me in Halloween costumes as an adult (or quasi adult). The photos come first and then some ~~justification~~ explanation. Enjoy!

Still In High School!
Wore my mother's pajamas and attached a homemade horn to my head.
I wonder why I didn't date much?
This was at the height of my unicorn obsession.
(Yes ... I was in high school and liked unicorns.)

Sophomore Year of College
I thought I was kind of sexy in this outfit.
Yeah.
Not so much.
I don't think true punkers wear Day-Glo skirts they find a thrift store.
But what do I know?

Want to know the scariest thing about this get-up?
It wasn't a Halloween costume!
I just wore this around my college dorm one day.
Yet another reason I didn't date much.

Series of Photos Taken After College
Don't worry. I wasn't hurt.
This was for a Halloween costume.
I was a car accident victim/zombie.
We had so much fun applying the make-up.
More fun than at the lame party we went to.

A Work Halloween Party About 7 Years Ago
I hope you know I'm Marge Simpson.
I was really proud of this costume.
But it was a bitch to wear.
It was hard to dance with that blue hair on my head.

I wore this to work for Halloween one year.
Every other girl in the office was a "sexy cat" or "sexy witch."
I dressed like Mario from Donkey Kong
or Mucho Italiano Bob the Builder.
I can be such a loser sometimes.

A Preview of This Year's Halloween Costume
Taken at the Little One's soccer game a few weeks ago.
My costume?
Uber-Dork Mom!
I think I nailed it.

Be sure to play this week's Fun & Games with Jenners!
We're making up porn movie titles!
Details here!

And I'm sneaking this into Angie's fun Ghosts of Halloween Past event!

Game 10: Let's Make Up Porn Titles!

2009-10-25T19:05:00.004-04:00

Time for another edition of Fun and Game with Jenners! This time, I was inspired by last week's 30 Rock episode, where Liz writes a porn episode of her life to make-up to Tracey for stealing his life for her book, Dealbreakers. At one point, they were talking about porn title movie parodies. I think one was "The Curious Case of Benjamin BUTT-Ons" or something like that. I've always found porn movie titles hilarious, so I thought it would be fun to make up our own. Alternatively, you can also choose to research some real porn titles instead of making up your own.

I think the best porn titles are the ones that are parodies of real movies or books. I think the further away the original source material, the funnier the title. One that I thought of this morning was:

Thomas Hard On's Tess of the D'Boobervilles (you know, instead of the classic Thomas Hardy's Tess of the D'Ubervilles.)

Sounds fun, huh? I know I've been giving you some pretty tough challenges lately, so I thought I'd be easy on you this week. I'll have Mr. Linky up Friday, October 30th for you to link up your titles or the results of your research efforts. Or, if you want, you can just share them in the comment section. I think I can even get Mr. Jenners to play along with me this week.

Reason #14 My Life Is Like A Seinfeld Episode

2009-10-23T08:15:00.009-04:00

Mr. Jenners and I joke that episodes of Seinfeld relate to everything in life.

Park the car and forget where it is? Just like Seinfeld!
Wait a long time for a table at a restaurant? Just like Seinfeld!
Walk by a horse-drawn carriage near Central Park and hear it fart? Just like Seinfeld!
Build levels in your house? Just like Seinfeld!

The other day, I added another one to the list.

The Little One started Kindergarten this year. At Back to School night, his teacher talked about how much the kids love when their parents come into the classroom to help out, and she practically begged us for any time we could spare as things can get a little chaotic and she has to share an aide with the other kindergarten teacher.

Well, being a stay-at-home mom, I'm in a perfect position to help out from time to time. So I signed up and envisioned myself having fun with the kids and getting to live out my dream of being a teacher without actually have to get a degree or have real responsibilities.

Well, the day came for me to show up. They were making applesauce in class—the perfect time to come in and help out. I arrived on time and made my way to the classroom—giddy with anticipation. I opened the door. All 23 heads turned to look at me. I saw the Little One and he saw me and...

...he burst into tears and screamed "Get out of here! Go home! Leave!"

Not quite the reaction I was hoping for.

Everyone was stunned. The Little One could not be dissuaded. He kept demanding me to leave. The teacher said "I've never seen a kid react like that. They're usually thrilled." His classmates said "I would love to have my mommy come in. Why are you so upset?"

Nothing worked. No bribery. No promises that I would stay in the corner and not interact with him. Nothing.

Not wanting to disrupt the class, I left—feeling like the teacher was going to report me to Child Services because whose kid has a reaction like that?

When the Little One got home, I asked him why he didn't want me there. He said "You'll slow me down. You'll distract me too much. I would want to talk to you and kiss you and give you hugs."

When I told Mr. Jenners about what happened, he said "It's just like that episode of Seinfeld—where Independent George and Relationship George mix together. It all falls apart. The Little One doesn't want his worlds to collide."

I have such mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I'm grateful he is feeling independent. On the other hand, I'm hurt he doesn't want me there. But Mommy doesn't give up that easily. Just like George Costanza, I'll keep on trying.

The next week, there was a book fair and the librarian needed volunteers. I begged the Little One to let me work at it and he cautiously agreed. I said I wouldn't talk to him or bother him in any way and that his teacher said she really really needed me. It went pretty well—except for the fact that one of the kids I was assigned was like a kid from a Seinfeld episode—the one with Jimmy who always talks about himself in the third person and wears those goofy sneakers? Yeah...I had that kid. He was crazy, and it made me reconsider why I wanted to help out at the school.

But the Little One agreed to let me be one of the chaperones for the field trip next week. I hope this means I've successfully insinuated myself into his classroom world a little bit.

If not, I bet I'll end up in the Soup Nazi episode:

Sigh. Is it Festivus yet?

Playground Do's and Don'ts

2009-10-21T19:02:00.010-04:00

Thursday = Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop
Participate, read, comment!

This week, I decided to go with Prompt 1: create a list of playground do's and don'ts. I'm writing a list from the point of view of a mother and a child.

Mother Playground Do's and Don'ts

DO wear a shlubby outfit (sweats, Crocs, t-shirt), no make-up and spend less than 5 minutes styling your hair. DON'T wear a designer outfit with heels, full make-up and have your hair styled professionally.

DO make sure your child only plays on the playground appropriate for their age. DON'T let your 12-year-old terrorize toddlers on the playground meant for ages 2 to 5.

DO smile and talk at the other mothers. DON'T talk loudly on your cell phone during your entire playground stay—complaining about how your hot pool boy was wearing a shirt when he cleaned your in-ground pool the other day and that your husband is "only" getting a 5 figure bonus this year.

For mothers weighing 130 pounds or less only: DO wear a fat suit around your middle area. DON'T complain about how you can't lose the baby weight. (If you weight 130 pounds or less, you don't have any baby weight.)

DO discipline your child if he/she misbehaves. DON'T laugh when your child pushes another child off the slide and say "boys will be boys."

Child Playground Do's and Don'ts

DO speak in a calm, friendly voice. DON'T use your "outside voice" if it exceeds 90 decibels.

DO leave mysterious objects on the ground. DON'T pick up things if you don't know what they are—especially long whitish rubbery things that look a little like a banana peel.

DO take turns with other children. DON'T act as if the playground is your personal property—it isn't, you brat.

DO respect the animals and nature that you find at the playground. DON'T kills bugs just to see what happens or rip out the flowers to give to your mother.

DO realize that the time limit for your mother pushing you on the swing is 5 minutes. DON'T scream like a banshee when your mother says her arms are tired from pushing you on the swing. Here's an idea: learn to swing your own damn self.

DO keep the interesting conversation you heard last night at dinner to yourself. DON'T tell the other children and mothers about the "funny" things that you saw mommy and daddy doing the other night when you should have been sleeping.

And I just have to share what the Little One said to me tonight when I gave him a hug:

"Mommy, I'm built for love."

Why The Little One Might Be On Project Runway Someday

2009-10-19T19:16:00.007-04:00

The Little One is 5 years old.
He is all boy.
He likes trucks, dinosaurs, Transformers.
He refuses anything that is pink or girly.
He does karate and soccer.
He makes goo-goo eyes over a little girl at his school.
He thinks police cars and fire trucks are cool.
He wants to be a scientist when he grows up.

However...

I'm pretty sure he will be on Project Runway someday.
As a contestant.
A fashion designer.
And, let's be honest, there aren't a lot of "manly" male fashion designers.
To be honest, most of them are gay.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.

How do I know this?

Because the other day, we stopped at Jo-Ann Fabrics to get thread.
And the Little One was completely enthralled with the fabrics.
And the thread.
And the buttons.

He begged to go back to the store today.
To look at fabrics.
And thread.
And buttons.

And he told all his little friends at school about how awesome the fabric store was.
And how he couldn't wait to go back.

Perhaps he'll design me a custom ball gown someday.
If he is able to "make it work."

Look -- A Fabric Store!
Where Every 5-Year-Old Boy Wants to Go

Game 9: Making It Up...Some What If Scenarios

2009-10-16T00:01:00.002-04:00

So on Monday, I challenged you to:

Write a short story based on a moment in your life that imagines what would have happened if you had made a different choice at that moment. For example, what if you hadn't taken that job? What if you hadn't said "yes" to the marriage proposal? If you can, share a little about the moment that inspired you to write the story.

This assignment ended up being a lot harder than I anticipated. In trying to think of a key moment and what the alternatives might have been if I'd made a different decision, I realized that to justify the big decisions of my life, I've always envisioned what the consequences would be if I didn't take a certain action. For the most part, I've imagined doom and gloom—a future filled with sadness and tragedy. Perhaps this tendency is a way to help myself feel good about making tough decisions. Or, like my mom always said, I'm extremely melodramatic.

However, I do think that when a person is faced with a life-changing decision, it does help to visualize the consequences of each action to figure out what your choice should be. And having the choice you didn't select end up being a "doom and gloom" scenario is a good way to justify your choices to yourself. Here are a few examples of how this type of thinking worked for me.

Moment of Truth 1: Should I tell my first husband I want a divorce? (Yes, I was married before. It was a youthful mistake.) I chose to tell him I needed out of the marriage.

In the months leading up to making this decision, I envisioned my future in the marriage many, many times and it always ended up the same way: unhappiness, childlessness, endless hours working at a job I hated to make ends meet, bitter resentment at his drinking and inability to grow-up, a seething hatred of certain members of his family.

Moment of Truth 2: Should I move in with the guy I was "in love" during my sophomore year of college? The night before I was going to move in with him, about 10 girls from my dorm rallied and took turns telling me why I was making a huge mistake—that this guy was nothing but trouble. (Turns out, they were 100% correct.) As a last-ditch effort to persuade me, my parents threatened to disown me. In the end, I became convinced it was a mistake, and I didn't move in with him.

In imagining my alternate reality where I did move in with him, I now see: accidental pregnancy, abandonment by the father, dropping out of college, a giving up a dreams, a return home in shame, single motherhood at a young age, and a lifetime of resentment and bitterness. (It is a credit to my parents, that in all my imaginings of this scenario, I never doubted that I would be able to return home with this "accidental" child.)

To be honest, I don't think I have the energy or skill right now to reimagine a true key turning point in my life. So I decided to go with a more mundane moment: What if I'd never quit those fencing lessons I took for a few weeks?

Disclaimer: Before I actually looked it up, I had it in my head that the actress Geena Davis had made it to the Olympics in fencing. Turns out it was archery, and she almost got to the Olympics but didn't make the final team. But since I am imagining this, I've taken liberties with both my possible future and Geena Davis's possible future. So, forgive me, Ms. Davis. I've switched your sport and had you make it to the Olympics—where you and I are battling it out for the gold! Also, I took a fencing class once for about 4 weeks and know next to nothing about the sport or the terminology. So if you are a hard-core fencer, realize this is totally made-up, poorly researched and wildly inaccurate.

Fencing Geena Davis

Sydney, 2000
The Women's Épée Individual Finals

Two Americans stand alone—ready to battle it out for the gold medal. The match is difficult to call—a statuesque beauty new to the sport versus the petite powerhouse who'd trained for years but was hampered by a string of recent injuries.

Geena Davis—Oscar winner, actress and talented fencer—paces and feints as she waits for the match to begin. New to the sport, she'd rocketed to the top of the field within the last two years, and it had helped secure her a role in the upcoming film, Pirates of the Caribbean.

Jenners—small-time blogger but long-time fencer—sits calmly, imagining her parries and thrusts. Her hamstring is bothering her, as it has since she'd faced Hungarian Timea Nagy at the World Championship this past winter. But she won't let it bother her today—not with a shot at the gold on the line.

The match begins. Davis uses her height advantage to strike a series of hits but Jenners is prepared and wily—she parries and evades and scores several hits. Davis regroups and attempts a counterattack, but Jenners is too quick. Hit. Hit. Parry. Parry. Thrust. Counterattack. It becomes a blur as the two battle it out. But in the end it is decisive: Jenners has won. She is the gold medalist.

And although fencing is not a marquee sport, Jenners is the first American woman to ever win a gold in fencing so America sits up and takes notice. She begins a whirlwind media tour and it dubbed "Fencing Jenny." Beloved by millions, she parlays her new fame into a lucrative sponsorship deal with Dove Chocolates. Alas, her unlimited supply of Dove leads to excessive weight gain and she fades from the spotlight within a year. She sits alone—polishing her medal and reliving the glory days, always careful to boycott any film showing Geena Davis and sword play.

The End

Seriously, after that little gem, aren't you surprised I don't have a book deal by now? And did you see how I managed to turn even that little story into a doom and gloom scenario? Even in my goofy fantasy story, I manage to turn out fat, unhappy and alone.

And that reminds me, I thought of a visual for another what if scenario and thought you might get a chuckle out of it. I present the answer to: What if I actually kept up with good eating and exercise like I always vow to do every few months?

So what was your "what if" scenario? What did you end up doing in your alternate universe? I can't wait to find out! Use Mr. Linky below to link up your posts. I'll leave this post up all weekend and Monday to give you a chance to read each other's posts and post your own contribution. Thanks for playing along!

Guess What My Name Is Based On These Numbers: 8675309

2009-10-14T19:17:00.010-04:00

Thursday = Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Participate, read, comment!

This week, I'm choosing Prompt 3:

How did you parents choose your name? What does it mean? What would you change your name to if you could?

A Cautionary Tale

The story of my name should be a cautionary tale for all women about to give birth. Here is what happened. My mom and dad together had agreed on two names before I was born: Melissa or Stephanie. They decided to make a final decision together after I was born. Well, when the day of my birth finally came (which was eerily and accurately predicted by my grandmother in a dream—but that is a whole other story), my mom ended up having a c-section. This was back in the day when mothers were totally unconscious during the entire procedure so my dad was unsupervised during the first moments of my life.

When my mom finally came to, my dad walked in with me and said "Isn't Jennifer just beautiful?" My mom said "Who is Jennifer?" Apparently, my dad took it upon himself to change my name to one they hadn't even discussed!

So what is the moral of the story? Mothers, don't let the fathers of your children out of your sight after giving birth until the official naming has been completed.

What My Name Means

The name Jennifer was really really common back then (and still is today). I've read in different places that it means "fair one" or "white wave" or "white phantom." There is a tie to Guinevere (of King Arthur fame)—and frankly I wished my dad has named me Guinevere instead of Jennifer.

In Which I Try To Spice Things Up

When I was younger, I HATED my name because I thought it was so commonplace and boring. In an attempt to fancy it up, I changed the spelling of my name in 4th grade to "Jenni" instead of "Jenny." To this day, my mom still sometimes calls me "Jen-Eye" to "mock" me for this. (Well, I feel it is mocking.) I was quite adamant about the spelling and refused to accept letters or papers in which my name was not properly spelled.

When I got confirmed in 7th or 8th grade (I was raised Catholic), I saw an opportunity to spice up my name. (Did I mention I was also given the middle name "Anne." Another totally common name. It was in honor of my paternal grandmother but still—I always felt a girl with a personality as big as my own deserved a more exciting name.) As part of confirmation, you are allowed to choose another middle name. The only real requirement was that it had to be a saint's name. (Thus, preventing me from choosing the name I always wanted for myself—Ginger. I guess there is no Saint Ginger.)

Well, I saw my chance and I decided to run with it. I scoured books about saints to find the most interesting saint's name. When I found "Felicity," it was a match made in heaven. Here was an interesting name that no one I knew had. (This was waaaaay before the TV show.) But my mom—for reasons I'm not entirely clear about now (I think a phone call about this issue is due)—wouldn't let me pick it. I ended up with Marie—pretty much the standard middle name for Catholic girls. Ugh.

Coming To Terms With It

Well, I've long since gotten over having such a common name. I've made peace with it. I no longer pine to be named "Ginger" or "Felicity." I guess I'm OK as a Jennifer (even though I still chose Jenners to be my blogging nom de plume.)

But I suspect that other Jennifers out there are still trying to make the name theirs. In fact, there is a local newscaster named Jennifer who spells it in the most ridiculous way I have ever seen—Jennyphyr. Every time I see her name, I cringe. She is an embarrassment to Jennifers everywhere.

And I bet I get at least 5 visits or comments from Jennifers on this post! If you are a Jennifer and you are reading this post, leave me a comment telling me how you spell your name. And did you feel the way I did about your name—like it was the most boring name in the world?

Reason #3,467 Why My Helping Causes Mr. Jenners Problems

2009-10-13T11:35:00.009-04:00

Today was another entry in the Big Book of Grievances that Mr. Jenners has against me. In my attempt to "help out," I often end up causing him more problems and work. For example, in entry #1,248, I "helped" him paint the bathroom but got paint in my eye about 4.2 minutes into the painting job. In entry #2,611, I "helped" put the car in the garage but ended up ripping off the mirror. And in Reasons #1,214-#1,247, I repeatedly destroyed landscape lights.

Needless to say, Mr. Jenners doesn't really like me helping him. But I am certified and approved to mow the grass. However, that certification may be taken away after today's adventure, which involved a new mishap in my ever expanding ways of messing things up around the house. In an attempt to soothe his irritation at me, I thought I would put today's mishap in a humorous poetry form using "There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly" as my inspiration.

There Was A Dumb Wife Who Mowed The Grass

There was a dumb wife who mowed the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass
There was a dumb wife who mowed the grass
Because the time to mow it was past
She ran over a cord while cutting the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass
There was a dumb wife who ruined the lights
What lights? The Halloween lights
She ruined the lights when she ran over the cord
She ran over the cord while mowing the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass
There was an dumb wife who attempted to edge
But alas! The edger was dead
Perhaps it had to do with the fact that
She ruined the lights when she ran over the cord
She ran over the cord while mowing the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass
There was a dumb wife who flipped the breakers
What an idea! To flip the breakers
She flipped the breakers to start the edger
The edger wouldn't start because she had ruined the lights
She ruined the lights when she ran over the cord
She ran over the cord while mowing the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass
There was a dumb wife who called the husband
Finally she thought to call the husband!
She called the husband because she had
Flipped the breakers to start the edger
But the edger wouldn't start because she had ruined the lights
She ruined the lights when she ran over the cord
She ran over the cord while mowing the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass

There was a dumb wife who ruined the recording
The husband's recording! (Of the Howard Stern Show)
Because she had flipped the breakers to start the edger
But the edger wouldn't start because she had ruined the lights
She ruined the lights when she ran over the cord
She ran over the cord while mowing the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass

There was a dumb wife who says she is sorry
For ruining the Stern Show
After trying to edge
But the edger was dead
Because she ruined the lights
After she ran over the cord
While mowing the grass
I don't know why she mowed the grass
Perhaps to shrink her very fat ass

Sorry Mr. Jenners! I should have called you before attempting to fix the problem myself. Next time (and you know there will one), I'll call you sooner rather than later.

Game 9: Your Assignment Is To...Make It Up

2009-10-09T20:30:00.004-04:00

The other day, I was browsing on one of my favorite book blogs, Fizzy Thoughts, and saw a book review for a book called Making It Up by Penelope Lively. As soon as I read about the premise of the book, I knew it was going to be the next Fun and Games with Jenners assignment!

Basically, the book is a collection of stories in which Lively imagines what might have happened if a different choice had been made at a key moment in her life. It kind of reminded me of that Gwyneth Paltrow movie, Sliding Doors, which shows two different stories depending on whether she caught a train or not.

So here is your assignment for this game:

Write a short story based on a moment in your life that imagines what would have happened if you had made a different choice at that moment. For example, what if you hadn't taken that job? What if you hadn't said "yes" to the marriage proposal? If you can, share a little about the moment that inspired you to write the story.

Challenging but kind of fun, don't you think? The moment can be as mundane or as complex as you want. I'll have Mr. Linky up on Friday, October 16th and you can have all weekend to link up your stories. I'm excited for this one, and I hope you'll consider playing along. Have fun!

What A Crock(pot)

2009-10-07T19:25:00.003-04:00

Thursday = Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Participate, read, comment!

So even though I avoid cooking and recipe posts like the plague, this week I'm choosing Prompt #1: What's cooking in YOUR crockpot?

The short answer:

Dust and cobwebs.

The long answer:

I'm not a big crockpotter. However, for about a week every year (usually during winter), I go through a crockpot phase. No one looks forward to this, but I get sucked in each year.

Perhaps it is the usual difficulty of trying to make dinner with the Little One nipping at my heels. Perhaps it is the cold weather. Perhaps it is the periodic guilt I feel over making the same four or five dishes over and over and over again. When all this happens, the crockpot comes out, gets dusted off, and I flip through my big book of crockpot recipies.

I purchase stew meats. I chop and dice vegetables. I throw everything into the pot and let it go. Then dinnertime comes and I'm reminded why I don't do the crockpot.

Problem 1: The Little One doesn't like food that is mixed together. Everything must be put into different compartments on his plate. No food can be touching or mixed together. If a pea somehow conspires to fall into applesauce, it is an emergency that must be dealt with swiftly.
Problem 2: Mr. Jenners prefers dry chicken and won't eat most vegetables.
Problem 3: Most crockpot recipes are pretty big, and almost no one in our house likes leftovers--especially when they didn't care for the meal the first time around.
Problem 4: My main reason for eating stew is to have buttered bread to sop up the gravy. This is probably not the best thing for me as my "bread to stew" ratio is about 3:1.

"Crockpot Week" ususally ends with a nice batch of meatballs, which is really just an excuse for me to put three pieces of provolone cheese on the sandwich and enjoy. Mmmmmm...that sound really good right now. Perhaps Crockpot Week 2009 is almost here.

An Awkward Moment At Goodwill

2009-10-06T10:33:00.001-04:00

So yesterday I dropped some stuff off at Goodwill. It was a bit chilly so I was wearing a sweatshirt. The sweatshirt was from a family trip to Long Beach Island a few years ago. We had come across a store that sold matching sweatshirts in sizes for Mr. Jenners, me and the Little One. Being complete dorks, we all bought matching sweatshirts.

My Sweatshirt and The Little One's Sweatshirt.

But Where Oh Where Is Mr. Jenners's Sweatshirt?

Well, after we got home, Mr. Jenners decided he didn't like how his sweatshirt fit so he refused to wear it. So I donated it to Goodwill, but I kept mine and the Little One kept his. (Are you starting to see where this is going?)

So yesterday, I'm dropping off stuff at Goodwill and wearing my Long Beach Island sweatshirt. And guess who is wearing a matching Long Beach Island sweatshirt? The Goodwill guy!!!

Can you say awkward?

Though in retrospect, I'm not sure if it was awkward for me or for him. It didn't seem to faze him. But I felt funny about it ... like we were a couple or something. The Goodwill guy kind of looks like Michael Moore but with worse teeth. So I guess if I ever leave Mr. Jenners, the "new" Mr. Jenners might look something like this:

The New Mr. Jenners?

We Do Have Matching Sweatshirts!

Has this type of thing ever happened to you? Do tell!

Game 8: This Is Just To Say Poem Challenge

2009-10-02T00:01:00.000-04:00

So on Monday, I challenged you to write a version of William Carlos William's poem, This Is Just To Say, with your own spin on it. For an example, I shared my friend's naughty little spin. I took a crack at it myself and my versions are below. But first, the original poem.

The Original Version of "This Is Just To Say"

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox

and which

you were probably

saving for

breakfast

Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

My Version Inspired by Dexter

I have dismembered

the corpse

that was in

the icebox

and which

you were probably

saving for

yourself

Forgive me

it was irresistible

so stiff

and so cold

And Now An Apology to Mr. Jenners

I have taken

the cash

that was in

your wallet

and which

you were probably

saving for

lunch

Forgive me

the ATM was

so far

and so inconvenient

And An Apology To The Little One

I have tossed

the drawings

that were on

the fridge

and which

you were probably

hoping I'd

save

Forgive me

there are

so many

and more to come

I'm beginning to think that this will now be my preferred way to apologize for stuff! So now I'm excited to see what you've come up with! Mr. Linky is below. Link up your posts and show me what you did! Thanks for playing along. Look for my next game in about a week or so.

Conversations Between Bob and Erma

2009-10-01T08:28:00.000-04:00

Thursday = Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop
Participate, read, comment!

I was going to skip Writer's Workshop this week because I got busy (watching TV), but then I felt a bit guilty: "Writers write. They write even when they don't feel like it." (Don't you love that I'm viewing myself as a writer now? Yeah...me and John Updike—writers!) Anyway, I'm writing this in 10 minutes or less, on the spur of the moment without even thinking about it. (Usually I'll check the prompts and let an idea percolate before I write my post.) So, enough with the caveats, let's see what these two have to say. (The prompt I chose was to write a conversation between a couple in one of three cartoons.)

Inexplicably, the man "told" me his name is Bob and the woman "told" me her name is Erma. (Great, now I'm hearing voices in my head!)

Bob: What the hell, Erma! Why are you walking on the new grass I planted?

Erma: Jeez, Bob. Calm down. I'm wearing my new aerating shoes. The spikes on the heels are good for the grass.

Bob: Not tender new grass that I just planted and am nurturing!

Erma: Nurturing? You're nurturing the grass, Bob? Sounds a little girly to me.

Bob: Whatever. Just get your aerating shoes off my new grass!

Erma: All right, all right. Calm down. I just came out to tell you I'm going to the store and I wanted to see if you needed anything.

Bob: What store are you going to?

Erma: Target.

Bob: Well, I could use some new socks.

Erma: OK. Bye.

Bob: Bye.

OK—it is done. You can wake up now! Well, what have we learned from this little writing exercise?

Bob and Erma are a bit boring.
I need to work on my dialogue writing skills.
Writers may write, but they shouldn't always share what they come up with.

So don't worry, I suspect Bob and Erma will not be making regular appearances on my blog! Whew!

I Guess I Haven't Gone To The Movies In Awhile

2009-09-29T11:27:00.003-04:00

This past weekend, Mr. Jenners treated me to an actual date night for my birthday—complete with a movie, dinner and a hotel room. It occurred to me that perhaps I haven't been to the movies for awhile because there were some big changes that surprised me. One was bad and one was good—very good.

The bad thing was that apparently matinees are no longer considered shows before 5:00 p.m.—as they were "back in the day" (and by "back in the day" I mean "just a few years ago"). Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you think a matinee should be a movie shown before 5:00 p.m. and that you should get a reduced price? I was stoked that we were going to save some money because we went to the 4:45 p.m. show. To our amazement, there was a poster in the lobby that said that matinees are movies BEFORE NOON!

Now I looked up the definition of matinee and Merriam-Webster defines it as "a musical or dramatic performance or social or public event held in the daytime and especially the afternoon." But perhaps AMC Theatres are going with the etymology of the word, which is as follows:

Etymology: French matinée, literally, morning, from Old French, from matin morning, from Latin matutinum, from neuter of matutinus of the morning, from Matuta, goddess of morning;

Why not just list your movie listings in Latin, Mr. Hoity Toity AMC Theater Chain? Perhaps us regular poeple don't know all the history behind the words you toss around like "matinee" and "discounted pricing." And if you're charging me $10.50 for a movie, I want that loud, phlegmy coughing guy removed from the theater post-haste!

The good thing was so amazing, so wonderfully perfect, so exciting that I literally stopped in my tracks and ogled it for a good 5 minutes—clutching Mr. Jenners's arm tightly and muttering "Is that what I think it is?" And it was, ladies and gentlemen, it was. The greatest thing to hit movie theaters since sound: a machine that lets you PUMP YOUR OWN BUTTER FLAVORING ONTO YOUR POPCORN! I kid you not! There were stations set up all around the lobby where you could apply as much butter flavoring to your popcorn as you wanted—totally unsupervised! I literally could not believe my eyes. Why was I not notified about this development? Why was this not a major news story?

Needless to say, I immediately purchased a (small) popcorn and went to work applying copious amounts of butter flavoring. I was in heaven. Even though I could literally feel my arteries hardening with each bite, even though I began to feel really ill after about four bites, I had a fleeting moment of pure happiness. (And, as is typical, this feeling of joy was followed by nausea, regret and stomach cramps.)

Want to add 4 cups of butter to your popcorn? No problem!

Check your local theater for unsupervised butter dispensers!

They do exist! I saw them with my own eyes!

What was that you say? What movie did we see? Due to Joel McHale's not-so-subliminal advertising on The Soup, we chose to see The Informant! I have to say, it wasn't as funny as I was expecting based on the previews and the critic blurbs. It was OK and there were moments that made me laugh, but I think the tone didn't completely suit the material. I appreciate what the filmmakers were trying to do and they came pretty close to almost getting it, but I think in the end it fell flat. Anyone else see it? What did you think? Did you have trouble remembering what time frame the movie was happening in?

So, score 1 for Mr. McHale. You got us.

It's Back...Fun and Games with Jenners: This Is Just To Say

2009-09-27T20:00:00.002-04:00

My "long-time" readers know I like to play games every so often. We've done everything from play "Family Feud" to photo riddles to writing short stories inspired by songs. I've taken a pretty long break from the games but now it is back!

The inspiration for this game was two-fold. First, on Friday I posted my little mixed-up William Carlos Williams poem about how I ate my Little One's leftover birthday cake. That post prompted my friend Michael5000 to forward me his own mixed-up version of the poem. (He wrote the poem with a male friend. I guess this is what dork guys do when alone and unsupervised! And I'm not being mean calling him a dork. His blog says it strives to be a leader in dork culture.) Naturally, I wondered what else could be done with this poem. So let's find out!

First, here is the original William Carlos Williams poem.

This Is Just To Say

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox

and which

you were probably

saving for

breakfast

Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

Now here is my friend Michael5000's R-rated version of the poem, which is a bit raunchy but completely hilarious. (If you are easily offended, you might not want to continue on.)

I have lain

the woman

who was in

the guestroom

and whom

you were probably

keeping

away from me

Forgive me.

She was delicious

so sweet

and so tight.

Genius, no? I just thought Michael5000's version was so funny and I wondered what other scenarios could be done by playing around with the structure of this poem. Let's find out! Play around with it and come back here on Friday, October 2nd, to link up and share your version of "This Is Just To Say." I'll try another stab at it myself. Can't wait to see what you wonderfully creative people come up with!

Mommy Is A Pig ... But Let's Say It Like William Carlos Williams

2009-09-25T10:30:00.019-04:00

This Is Just To Say (A Reprise)

I have eaten
the cake
that was on
the counter

and which
you were probably
saving
for snack

Forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so chocolate

To see the original poem by William Carlos Williams, click here.

The Little One's Birthday Cake Yesterday

The Little One's Birthday Cake Today

(And In Minutes, This Too Will Be Gone)

Happy Birthday Little One ... Sorry About The Cake!

2009-09-24T00:01:00.002-04:00

Dear Little One,

You're 5 years old today! Happy Birthday!

Daddy and I managed to keep you alive for 5 whole years! Let me tell you, those first few days we were a nervous wreck. All we could focus on was that you were still alive. Neither one of us had experience with babies—the very first diaper I ever changed was your diaper. Seriously, we didn't have a clue about what we were doing. Your first bath took 45 minutes. We read how to bathe you out of a book. Yes ... we were that nervous and inexperienced. You wore baby mittens for the first few months of your life because we were terrified of cutting your fingernails.

But it is 5 years later and we're much more relaxed and confident parents now. You make it easy—you're such a smart, kind little boy and we are so proud of you. As your personality comes into sharper focus each day, I can see that you are going to be very funny, very smart and very precise (just like your dad). It thrills me that you want to grow up to be a scientist—much better than your original aspiration to be an octopus!

I love that you are enjoying school and coming out of your shell and making friends. You were really shy and cautious for so long that I was worried that going to "real" school was going to be too scary for you. But you've grown up so much and gained so much confidence in yourself that you had no problems. And you're turning into quite the ladies man too—it cracks me up that you get a goony grin on your face when you mention Riley's name (the latest in your line of conquests ... Skylar is so 5 minutes ago!).

It amazes me all that you've learned in the last five years. Trust me, there were days when I was doubting whether you would ever talk—let alone figure out how to dress yourself. And I seriously thought you would be the only child going to school without being potty trained! But really, that was just me being a worry wart. It amazes me to think of you being a helpless, tiny little baby and now to see you dressing yourself, going to the bathroom by yourself and riding away on the school bus without me. Forgive me if I get a little weepy.

I happen to know that Daddy and I are going to spoil you like crazy with birthday presents today. We're so proud of you, and we wanted to go a little nuts and give you all the things you've had your eye on. But most of all, I want you to know how much we love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to Daddy and me, and you've made life unbelievably interesting, amusing and busy. I never imagined myself as a mom—I was never one of those girls who dreamed of having lots of children or being a mom. I had you later in life. You know, I turn 42 on Saturday. Lots of my high school friends have kids who are in college now while you're just starting kindergarten. I know a lot of people thought I'd never get to experience motherhood. But I was just waiting for the right dad for you and the right time for you to show up. And here you are and—to borrow a line from Jerry Maguire: "You complete me."

And I'm sorry about the disaster that is your birthday cake. But you know what, we made it together and that is more important than a perfect store-bought cake. Even though the cake has two pounds of icing holding it together, even though the cake slopes severely, even though the gel writing didn't show up and melted down the sides, the cake was one we made together out of love and that makes it taste all the sweeter.

Love,

Mommy

Your Transformers Cake ... Not Quite Like The Ones We Saw At The Store!

Just for the record, I let you do the gel icing. I had nothing to do with that!

Kindergarten Is The New Second Grade

2009-09-20T19:54:00.009-04:00

So the Little One started kindergarten this year, and I went to the Back To School Night last week to hear about all the fun he's going to have. I was astounded at the amount of stuff they are going to learn this year. Let me tell you, this is not your mother's kindergarten ... or your kindergarten for that matter. To help illustrate the difference, I thought I'd compare my kindergarten experience with the Little One's upcoming school year.

The Little One will learn to count to 100 by 2s, 5s and 10s.
I learned to count to 10.

The Little One will learn the official names of shapes -- like hexagon, pentagon and octagon.
I learned that a cookie is shaped like a circle.

The Little One will learn to count out money to express the date (e.g., if it is the 17th of September, they'll count out one dime, one nickel and two pennies).
I learned not to shove a penny up my nose.

The Little One will learn to count to 30 in Spanish.
I once saw a globe.

The Little One has a choice of white, chocolate or strawberry milk.
I got white milk -- and ate my carton afterwards. (I had a thing about paper.)

The Little One goes to gym once a week and has no recess.
I had recess every day and once pushed a kid off the top of the jungle gym -- onto concrete.

The Little One is learning procedures to avoid the swine flu.
I threw up at least once a week-- along with all the other kids in the class. (Remember that sawdust stuff they used to put on vomit back in the day?)

Needless to say, I think the Little One will be much smarter than me by January. Heaven help us all.