Courtesy of Kevkev44 (Flickr)

Dating is a roller coaster.

Bad dates. Good dates. Damn, if only I could get A date.

Good nights. Bad nights. At 26, am I already older than everyone in this f*@!#%g bar?! nights.

Total, unshakeable “I’m fabulous” confidence (fellas: fill in the equivalent manly descriptor). Vulnerable, I’m not good enough, what am I missing, what am I doing wrong doubts.

Relaxed and calm. Sad and frustrated.

Single life ROCKS, soak it up baby! GAAAAHHHH ifiseeonemorecouplecuddlingi’llexplode.

I started this post as a follow-up to my “Dating: Do you go for Quality or Quantity?” piece in August, then quickly realized you could replace the word “dating” with relationships, marriage or life – and it would still probably be true.

Life is a roller coaster. Dating is no exception. How am I doing since my post in August? Great!!! Most of the time. This week was tough. It was tough because I felt those pangs of loneliness that I’d built such a great wall of “Single! Fabulous! Loving it! I’ll totally meet someone! I’m not even looking! I’m so patient! Dating? What’s that?” around myself. This week I realized that while part of me is completely calm, clear-headed and having a blast, part of me is still emotional and FEELING. God forbid I let myself FEEL things.

Here’s a message for both of us (that’s me and you, reader): it is perfectly okay to feel your feelings. You don’t have to be happy and positive all the time (or at least I’m learning to give myself permission not to be). Venting is good. There is value in paying attention to emotions that show up – positive and negative – just make sure you don’t give negative thoughts more air time than they need in order to work their way out of your system.

The key to the roller coaster – in dating or life – is not getting stuck in the highs and lows. When you become attached to an expectation or your mind starts spinning stories that aren’t helpful, get off the ride. Cooking up some elaborate story about why I’m single and asking guy friends to confirm it doesn’t serve me. And who am I to analyze? My job is to go with the flow and enjoy the ride. Badum-Ching! </end cliche, carry on with dating and non-dating and everything in-between>.

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Courtesy of Koalazymonkey (Flickr)

As I lay my head down on my pillow Monday night after a long day and weekend full of errands, guilt started to creep in about all the remaining tasks I had left undone. I thought about the two blog posts I hadn’t written on Sunday (my usual routine). I thought about the pile of laundry I didn’t fold and the emails I hadn’t responded to.

And suddenly, brain still wired as I lay in bed trying to sleep, it hit me. Something is better than nothing. I’ve often used this phrase to get me to the gym; when it comes to exercise, something is definitely better than nothing.

But this is also an important reminder for me when I catch myself falling prey to the perfectionist’s curse in other areas – the all or nothing, gung-ho or bust mentality – that if I can’t do something well (or up to my high standards), I shouldn’t do it at all. If I can’t write two blog posts, I shouldn’t even start one. Or if I can’t spend an hour on emails, I shouldn’t even open my inbox.

Sure, there are times when something is not better than nothing (replying to spam or publishing a really crappy post, for example). Ultimately it’s about examining the size and importance of the task or goal and asking, “Is there something small I can do to chip away at it to make progress?” If not, or you choose not to for the time being, that means you’ve made the decision to rest and can let go of the guilt associated with your deliberate non-doing. Give yourself a break until you’re ready to pick it up again or until you decide to write it off completely. Life is a balancing act. Sometimes we will choose not to get every task done for the sake of our sanity, and that’s okay too.

On that note – I’m still getting acclimated to my new job, and the next three weeks are going to be pretty busy for me. This week I’m excited to be completing the Myers Briggs Type Indicator training for facilitators – and next week I’m headed to New York for a planning summit with the new team. I also start coaching certification in three weeks and am going from two regular clients to ten! I’m going take my own medicine whenever possible, but wanted to let you know that I may be a little less frequent and responsive than usual when it comes to tweeting and blogging over the next three weeks.

Courtesy of Danil (Flickr)

If you send me an email, you’ll see the following note at the end of my OOO reply (borrowed from a very wise coach of mine!): “E-mail is such a funny thing. People hand you these single little messages that are no heavier than a river pebble. But it doesn’t take long until you have acquired a pile of pebbles that’s taller than you and heavier than you could ever hope to move…But for the person who took the time to hand you their pebble, it seems outrageous that you can’t handle that one tiny thing. “What ‘pile’? It’s just a pebble!”

Mann’s quote makes me laugh - we’ve all got piles of pebbles we’re dealing with – they just take different forms. Here’s to us embracing the pile, processing the pebbles at a pace that won’t drive us nuts, and practicing patience with those who are still figuring out how to do this gracefully.

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This book is short and small, but really packs a punch. For me, it was more digestible and engaging than any other book I’ve read on on happiness, zen, the way, being present, being here now – you get the point. Even if those topics are too “woo woo” for you (wow that’s a lot of rhyming!) – you’ll still benefit from this simple approach to happiness.

As usual, these book notes are looong! Make sure you click on the title of the post (or the link at the bottom that says “read the rest of this entry”) to see the full version. If you want to print the notes, there is a little icon at the bottom of the post that says “print this post.” Enjoy!

***

Book Notes: Zen and the Art of Happiness
By Chris Prentiss

The Way

“Zen is simply the state of centeredness which is here and now.” –Alan Watts

• The Zen of doing anything is doing it with a particular concentration of mind, a calmness and simplicity of mind, that brings the experience of enlightenment and, through that experience, happiness.

We Are the Authors of Every Next Moment

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. It is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts.”

• Your personal philosophy determines how you respond to events that come into your life. It is completely responsible for your state of happiness and well being.
• The answers are never “out there.” All the answers are “in there,” inside you, waiting to be discovered.
• You are like a railroad switch. Every time an event occurs you channel the activity onto the positive or negative track. Even though the event hurt you or took something away from you, you are still in charge of channeling it onto a positive or a negative track. You determine its future outcome.

The New Experience

“Every day is a good day.” –Ummon

• To reach the goal of happiness, act as though the following is true: “Everything that happens to me is the best possible thing that can happen to me.” (tape these notes around the house and your desk)
• Everything comes at the appointed time.
• It’s not necessary to have all the ingredients of a project in hand at the outset. They will come at the appointed time. Its only important that you move forward with the project until that appointed time arrives. With the energy you create by moving forward as if you had the ingredients to start, you actually put into motion a stream of events that lead to your success. Your actions create an “energy vortex” that draws in the necessary ingredients for your venture.

“If you really know how to live, what better way to start the day than with a smile? Smiling helps you approach the day with gentleness and understanding…Smile with your whole being.” –Thich Nhat Hanh

• Smile. Imagine the situation turning out wonderfully for you. Affirm what’s happening is going to be of tremendous benefit to you.
• The Universe doesn’t make mistakes. Everything is happening just as it should.

The Inner Road

• Neither happiness nor unhappiness is contained in the event itself.
• What determines each person’s state of happiness or unhappiness is not the event itself, but what the event means to that person. All the events of life work like that. It is the way you look at things and the way you relate to them that determines your state of happiness or unhappiness, not the things themselves.

Cause and Effect

Your worst enemy cannot harm you
As much as your own thoughts, unguarded.
But once mastered,
No one can help you as much.
–The Dhammapada

• You can feed yourself new information by choosing new ways of looking at and interpreting the events of your life.

“The highest nobility lies in taming your own mind.” –Atisha

A curse or a blessing?

• Each incident in life, even a painful experience, basically provides you with only two choices: you can either curse it and call it an “accident” or you can call it “good fortune.”
• Character is the bow from which we shoot the arrows of the future.

Adapting to Change

“Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” –Chuang Tzu

• Change is a constant – we can count on that.
• A situation only becomes favorable when one adapts to it.

“Embrace simplicity…be content with what you have and are, and not one can despoil you.” –The Tao Te Ching

• Happiness comes from our response to the conditions of our lives.
• How you conduct yourself along the path that is your life determines how your life unfolds. You are the doorway through which your life unfolds.
• A strong personal philosophy does more than sustain us through the tragedies of life. It also sustains us daily in everything we think and do. It gives us optimism and hope. It frees us from the tyranny of events.

“When you can be calm in the midst of activity, this is the true state of nature…When you can be happy in midst of hardship, then you see the true potential of the mind.” –Huachu Daoren

Stress and Your Imagination

• One of the greatest obstacles between you and happiness is stress. By stress I mean a feeling in your mind of fear, anxiety, distress, worry, unease, or foreboding caused by using your mind to imagine a bad outcome to a past, present, or future event or situation. Nothing else causes stress.
• Stress comes from the way you relate to events or situations.
• Neither stress nor happiness is contained in things, events, or situations. Things are just things, events are merely events, situations are only situations. It’s up to you to supply your reaction to them. You get to choose.
• The tricky part in eliminating stress is controlling our imaginations to envision a happy outcome rather than a poor one.
• If you stay in control of your imagination, its impossible to feel fear or stress.
• One of the reasons any obstacle is in your life is so that you can grow from it and become strong.
• You’re only as strong as your area of greatest weakness.
• The Universe always strikes at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening. Your challenges are, in effect, hand delivered by a loving Universe to make you stronger.
• It is by working your way through the problems that you will gain strength, wisdom and knowledge.
• Realize also that the goals you seek aren’t the be-all and end-all of life, even though you may think you are. It’s the path itself that’s the be-all and end-all. Reaching for your goals and searching for answers is what is leading you along the path you’ve chosen for this lifetime. The path itself is where the truth is to be found, where your destiny manifests itself, and where your happiness lives.
• Events are the language of the Universe.

Healing Your Past

Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is. The future
Has not yet come. Looking deeply at life
As it is in the very here and now,
The practitioner dwells in
Stability and Freedom
–Bhaddekaratta Sutta

• Forgive yourself for the things you regret having done to others, forgive others for the things they did to you; acknowledge the rightness of the events that you thought did not benefit you, and, more than that, acknowledge that each event was for your benefit or will turn out to be for your benefit.

“The present moment is a wonderful moment.” –Thich Nhat Hanh

• The moment we call now is all that exists.
• When we live in the now, keeping our awareness and concentration on the present moment, as zen encourages us to do, we rein in our runaway imaginations – not dwelling on the past, not worrying about the future, not judging events as they come and go.
• Meditation does not have to be long or complicated for you to receive its benefits. Start with five minutes a day. Follow your breath in and out – if you start to think of something other than your breath, gently pull yourself back.

The Secret and the Smile

• “Be Happy” means choosing to be happy whenever you have the choice. It is not a mindless happiness, but a mindful happiness because it is based upon the knowledge that whatever happens to you will benefit you – and benefit you greatly.
• Most of the time, we respond to life without taking a moment to choose the way we want to think and feel about a particular event or situation. It takes work to make the choice.
• The hardest work comes when the situation is hurtful or has taken something from us.

Author’s Note

I acknowledge you for your marvelous effort. I respect you for persevering on your path toward enlightenment. I bow low to you for your greatness of spirit, your warrior’s heart, and your search for the truth of your existence. May you attain to greatness, may your life be long and happy, and may you mount to the skies of happiness as though on the wings of six dragons! –Chris Prentiss

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• Book / Decision-Making Framework: I stumbled across Suzy Welch on Twitter and noticed she wrote a book called 10-10-10. Curious about the meaning of the title, I found the following description on Amazon: “When you’re facing a dilemma, all it takes to begin are three questions: What are the consequences of my decision in 10 minutes? In 10 months? And in 10 years?” This seemed like a helpful shortcut for wrestling with big decisions (or processing something upsetting). Something tells me I don’t actually need to buy the book to fully understand this strategy (but by all means, correct me if you’ve read it and I’m wrong).

• Generosity: I feel very lucky to have had several conversations with people I admire recently. Each one of them asked me, “How can I be most helpful to you?” at some point during our chat. Each time, I was overwhelmed by the generosity of that question, and felt immense gratitude to be on the receiving end of it. These people are all busy, with incredibly full, rich lives (hence, my admiration!) and yet they still took time to put an open-ended “let me know how I can help you” offer on the table. It speaks volumes to me about their generosity of spirit, and reminds me to do the same for others as much as I can.

• Technology & Communication: The Wall Street Journal ran an interesting article yesterday: Why Email No Longer Rules (and what that means for the way we communicate). As someone who often feels overwhelmed by my email inbox (apologies if you’ve ever waited two weeks for an email from me!), I wonder about whether multiple short communication streams (Twitter, Facebook, Blog comments, etc.) make correspondence easier or just add to the deluge. On one hand, the article says “People overused email – now they can use the right tool for the right task.” (Agree) On the other hand, “We get lured into wasting time…and we will no doubt waste time communicating stuff that isn’t meaningful, maybe at the expense of more meaningful communication. Such as, say, talking to somebody in person.” Or writing a blog post about miscellaneous musings??

• On Being Busy: Danielle LaPorte, of White Hot Truth, posts today with a great reminder: We Know You’re Busy. Now Shut-Up About It. Danielle says, “Even as a well-intended social pleasantry, ‘Sorry, I’ve been busy,’ has a little victim ring to it…Whatever is on your plate got there because you said yes to it – in the fullness of ambition and desire and wanting to eat life whole. Busy can be good. Busy can be bad. Busy is most often a choice.” So what to do about our tendency to use busyness as an excuse? Danielle says, “Report on life rather than whine about it.”

• Conditioned Consumer: I am officially a wussy Californian when it comes to the weather. Today marks our first rain of the season and I acknowledged this occasion by oversleeping, skipping my morning workout and stopping by Starbucks on the way to work. Nothing says “comfort me to make up for the dark-grey-pouring-rain weather” like a double nonfat mocha with 1.5 pumps of chocolate and whipped cream. And no, my high maintenance drink orders are not an indication of my dating habits. I SWEAR.

• Fun: I’ve seen this video before, but it never fails to make me grin uncontrollably from ear-to-ear. If you haven’t watched “Where the Hell is Matt” do yourself a favor and go check it out.

As a final note, thank you so much for all the birthday wishes last week! I had a fabulous weekend with friends in San Francisco (and if you had ANY doubt, yes I bought myself a red velvet cupcake to celebrate). The article I referenced in my video is WiseGeek’s “Why Do Snakes Shed Their Skin?” and I’m still waiting for a Personal Branding Expert somewhere to give me a citation for comparing myself to a snake.

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The master in the art of living
draws no sharp distinction between
his work and his play,
his labor and his leisure,
his mind and his body,
his information and his recreation,
his love and his religion.
He hardly knows which is which.

He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does,
leaving others to determine whether he is working or playing.
To him, he is always doing both.

—James A. Michener

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The lightning bolt of inspiration, and an answer to my boring blog post woes
Then Grace Boyle emailed me about participating in her joint “Crush it” contest with Gary Vaynerchuk, of WineTV fame. Sparks flew when I read the prompt: “Skills are cheap, passion is priceless.”

YES. Yes, yes, yes! Deep down, I *know* that passion is what got me my new job. It’s not the handy 9-square one-sheeter that I used for interviews (don’t worry, I still created a template for you).

I’ve got big plans…and they don’t start with self-censorship
The contest prompt is to “write a blog post about how you’re crushing it, your dreams to crush it, and what this phrase means to you.” My natural inclination is to be humble and thank everyone else who made the transition and new job possible (including you, universe). But that’s not helpful right now. This post is about CRUSHING IT. So I’m going to step out of character for a minute and tell you how I’m crushing it and how I plan to crush it even more tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on.

In Part 1 I wrote about the anxiety and unhappiness I developed after getting clear on what I really wanted. I felt sick as I watched from the sidelines as my true path passed by. From the day I started coach training in Dec. 2007, I knew my calling was to help people make their lives easier, one simple, practical step at a time. And in doing that, to give people the confidence and encouragement they were hungry for, to help them live their lives in a big, full way.

From a spark to a brush fire
After attending my first coach training class, I turned that spark of inspiration, that clarity of my purpose (and related activities), into a fire. I took coaching classes on my free weekends. I coached clients at night and in the early morning. I worked on 20% projects related to coaching and development that I tacked onto my existing 100% plate of responsibilities. I developed workshops for people because I had a vision and I wanted to share it. I did not ask for permission to help people. I just did. And by exercising my passion, my skills grew naturally. They had room to breathe.

When I didn’t see an immediate direct link between my passions and my job description at work, I started a blog. I figured if I built it, they would come. If I could add value, in ways big and small, you would come. And honestly, the emails and comments I receive saying I helped or inspired you move me to tears. My “keepers” bucket is so full that I get overwhelmed. And that’s how I know that I’m crushing it.

Because I feel myself crushing it. Next week I start my job – and guess what? They want to pay for my coaching certification and let me spend time on that as part of my role. I’m going to get Myers Briggs certified and facilitate classes, and work on developing other very cool career development programs. Somehow I landed my dream job, and I’m just waiting for someone at the top to find out that they are PAYING ME to do what I love. But the funny thing is, there is a need for me to do what I love at Google. So everybody wins. And that is called crushing it.

Who me? Yeah. YOU.
Just so you know – I don’t walk around floating on clouds all day – yet. That is going to change. Especially if I want to continue crushing it at bigger and bigger levels. My inner critic says things like “Don’t celebrate, the other shoe is going to drop any minute!” or “Who are you to say things like ‘you’re crushing it’?!”

And then I remind myself – playing small does not serve anyone (thank you, Marianne Williamson). It does not serve me, it does not serve you, and it does not serve the world. At first, saying I’m “crushing it” felt like playing dress-up – trying on a pair of shoes that were too big. Who, me?! Pfft! Part of crushing it is owning it and enjoying it. Whatever that means to you. So let me say it again: don’t just crush it. Own it.

Skills are cheap, passion is priceless
You want to change jobs? Start a blog? Write, dance, exercise, sing or play more? Make wine videos to educate the masses? Skills are cheap…and overrated. You probably have all the skills you need already. So face those obstacles and fears head-on and MAKE room for what you really care about in your life. Know that it won’t always be easy, nor is it supposed to be. Get out there anyway. Step fully into what you want and crush it. We’re waiting for you.

***

Here’s a preview of the Job Interview One-Sheeter template I mentioned above (for those reading via feed-reader, click here). If you like it, do me a favor and give it a rating! As mentioned in a previous post, I am building a Google Templates empire. I’ve also added a tab to my top navigation where you can access all of my templates.

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Me and my dad headed to breakfast after the race.

I would be remiss if I didn’t write the obligatory “big personal athletic moment as metaphor for life” blog post after finishing my triathlon. So here I go.

Contrary to the story I made up for many years that “I could never do a triathlon because the swimming would kill me,” yesterday I completed the See Jane Tri event – a 400-meter swim, 11-mile bike and 3-mile run. And lo and behold I am alive to tell about it, as evidenced by this post.

But there was a moment, within 30 seconds of starting, that I honestly didn’t know if I was going to make it to the other side of the lake shore, let alone the finish line. I seriously considered quitting the race, even after everything I’d put into preparing for it.

Eels in the lake were the least of my concerns

Part of what I love about big athletic events are the months of training leading up to them. In fact, when I did the marathon last year (another impossible feat knocked down!) I found many of the long runs to be more enjoyable than the event itself – even the 23-miler I did alone, without any of the water stops or fanfare of race day. I appreciate the structure of a training schedule, the incremental “wins” week after week, and the commitment to completing a goal that I know will expand my beliefs about what I am mentally and physically capable of.

Where am I going with this? Given how much I love training, I was shocked yesterday when I got in the water for the first event and panicked. Months of swim training flew right out the window, as if I hadn’t even put on (or looked at) a swimsuit in the last ten years.

Seconds after the starting whistle blew, limbs started flying and I started inhaling lake water. I was immediately out-of-breath (mostly due to anxiety), struggling even to dog paddle. Panicked, I tried swimming the way I’d practiced, but between trying to keep my eyes on the buoy and the other swimmers (both not advisable), my head created resistance, my legs sunk too low, and my arms started doing all the work.

I could not relax, and I was really scared. I thought about quitting and that made me sad. Some way, some how, I would do this. No one said it had to be fast or pretty. So I backstroked my way around the course, calmed by focusing on the expansive empty blue sky amidst the commotion of other swimmers around me. I emerged from the water close to last. I didn’t care. I smiled and ran to my bike just like the rest of them.

I reflected on the harrowing swim experience during the bike ride (glorious) and wrote the “takeaways” for this blog post in my head during the run (exhausted). With that ladies and gentlemen, I bring you:

5 Things I Learned from Panicking Finishing my Triathlon

1. Remember to breathe (even if every other breath leaves you chugging lake water). Sometimes the accomplishment is not speed or grace – it is literally just surviving. Finishing. Remembering to breathe.
2. When Plan A fails, and you’re too panicked to find Plan B, trust your instincts. Had I done a backstroke since taking swim-lessons as an eight year old? No. But nothing else was working. Did I care that I felt ridiculous swimming (in what appeared to be a casual leisurely swim from afar) on my back while everyone else powered forward on their stomachs? No. Not enough to quit.
3. It is all about the story you tell yourself. During a race (just as in life), there is a continual story playing in my head. It’s almost like an ESPN commenter but in first person. “I am strong. I trained for this. I know what I am doing. I am panicked. I want to quit. But I am not a quitter.” The narrative goes on. In my opinion, the ONLY way to successfully finish a physically grueling event is to narrate a mental story of positivity and success. I learned a great deal about this in the book The Non-Runners Marathon Trainer. When running, there is a huge difference between saying “my legs feel like bricks” versus “I am doing fine, and this is easy.” It matters. The negative thoughts will show up, but it is important to replace them with something positive. For a great book on the psychology of success, read Maximum Achievement by Brian Tracy (a new favorite of mine).
4. Don’t half ass something just because it looks hard. This is a subset of the mental narrative point: don’t give up on something based solely on the anticipation of hard work. So many women would approach hills during the run and start walking before they even got there. They expected it to be hard, so they gave up before even trying. This is exactly why when I see a hill, I turn ON my burners. I run faster. Hills are mental. They are not that much harder – they just look like they will be. Same goes for life – when you see a challenge, put more heart into it. That’s where it counts. You’ll get to the top both ways, but feel a hell of a lot better about yourself by taking the second approach.
5. Pay for the Day. Remember how good it feels. Rinse and repeat. My dad has a phrase, “pay for the day,” that refers to building good exercise habits. Think of it like a small entrance fee (exercise) you pay for each day (to ultimately live a long, healthy life). It doesn’t matter what time of day you exercise, so long as you “pay” at some point (of course you get some days off – but you catch my drift). Let me tell you something – “paying for the day” by doing a triathlon first thing Saturday morning feels fantastic. Nothing boosts my happiness and self-confidence like exercise, particularly training and completing a big event like that one. Figure out what your currency is – that vital activity that makes every day better (even if you experience resistance to start at times) – and remember how good it feels to pay for the day.

With that, I give another item on my life checklist a big, fat, hard-earned CHECK.

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I’ve run several guest posts from guys on dating (Low Stakes First Dates by Benjy Feen and The Golden Rule of Dating by Jeremy Orr). Given that dating is a team sport (okay well it at least involves two people), I really appreciate the additional perspective – particularly from the opposite sex – that guest posts provide. I’m sure there will be more to come!

The following is a guest post from Ryan Stephens, master of the universe – okay, well for now, the Top 10 Gen Y Blogs list and his marketing blog. Speaking of which, if you haven’t yet voted for your favorite Top 10 Gen Y blogs for October’s round-up, click here to read the ballot and submit your vote by choosing five blogs via email (ryanstephensmarketing[at]gmail.com). The deadline is Monday, September 28.

The #1 Theory to Enhance Your Dating Life – By Ryan Stephens

I don’t even know if I’m qualified to write this piece. I don’t read pick-up artist material (with the exception of The Game because I think Neil Strauss is an awesome storyteller and writer), though I’m familiar with some of the theories on dating and game that people subscribe to.

I’m not a serial dater, and I don’t sleep with countless women, but I have my own dating strategy – one that has worked for me on numerous occasions – and I’ve probably had more luck “dating up” (girls more attractive than me) than I should have. Also, everyone (both male and female) that I’ve shared this strategy with has increased their “luck” as well. What follows won’t necessarily work 100% of the time for everyone – but if your current approach isn’t getting you the results you want, hear me out.

So what’s my secret?

I like to call it the “Pretend You’re In a Great Relationship Strategy.” (Please think of a better name for me).

If every night that you go out to the bar, coffee shop, grocery store, art gallery, etc. you pretend you’re in a relationship it immediately takes away all the apprehension. Instead of being nervous and trying too hard to impress the opposite sex you relax, be yourself, and let everything develop naturally.

Besides, if you’re anything like me, you know that you get hit on way more often when you’re actually in a relationship. Why do you think that is? It’s because you’re happy, you’re smiling, and you’re not stumbling over your words or acting fidgety. You’re in a relationship, you’re happy, you don’t care!

Scenario #1: I haven’t kissed a guy I’ve liked in 6 months
(This works for BOTH male and females, but I didn’t want to do two additional scenarios and make this post so long you don’t read it.)

You’re at the bar with a couple of your friends and a guy is staring at you from across the room. You keep exchanging glances with him, and you see him get up to approach. You begin to feel your palms sweat, and you get nervous. He comes up to the group and introduces himself to everyone. He’s chatting with your friends and not paying you too much mind.

You wonder why he’s not paying attention to you since he’s been staring at you seductively all night long and start to get antsy. You interrupt him and he’s talking to your male friend, and you go on an incessant nervous rant asking him if he’s from around here, and what he’s up to tonight.  He smiles, asks your friends if you’re always like this, thanks everyone politely for the conversation and wanders back to his table.

It’s driving you nuts, so just as the lights are coming on you act like you have to go to the bathroom, scurry over to his table and take one more shot. You up your “flirting” game even more. He acts aloof and indifferent, but takes your number. You think you’ve succeeded, and wait the entire next week for him not to call.

Scenario #2: My ridiculously hot, smart, wealthy, witty boyfriend is waiting for me at home

Same scene, but this time when he approaches you lock eyes, smile, and turn your shoulder away from him. After all, your boyfriend back home probably wouldn’t appreciate you talking to this guy who’s been staring you down all night. Discouraged you’ve been paying attention to him all night, but not now when he’s trying to make his move, he taps you on the shoulder.

“Hey there. I was just asking your friends’ opinion on something, and you’re the tiebreaker. Do you mind?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. You’ve got 30 seconds before my bladder busts.”

While your pseudo boyfriend back home would be glad you’re taking yourself out of the situation, this guy is baffled that you’re not interested after the two of you have been exchanging looks half the night. You’re in control. Flustered, he spits something out semi-clever.

“Interesting. I’ll have to give it some thought.” You turn to go to the restroom, and say calmly over your shoulder, “It was nice meeting you.”

This time, he’ll be the one wandering back looking for you near the end of the night, and you can play it how you want. Tell him it’s late and you need to get home but that he’s welcome to call if he wants to hear your answer later. This time you won’t have to wait. He’ll call.

Using Your Newfound “I’m Taken Approach”

This is the first time I’ve ever penned relationship scenarios so try not to criticize them for their validity, and trust in the underlying message I’m trying to get across. Pretend you’re in a solid relationship when engaging with the opposite sex and you’ll have significantly more luck.

• Oh my gosh he didn’t call. Who cares?
• She blew me off after I bought her a drink. Duh. And why would you buy another girl a drink if you’re in a relationship anyway? (Buying girls’ drinks is a lame strategy.)
• He was a great dancer, why didn’t he try to kiss me? He was probably scared. Your imaginary boyfriend will kiss you when you get home.
• I can’t talk to her, she’s a 10. You can talk to anyone you want without getting nervous because you’re already in a great relationship.

The most important thing to remember:

Unlike most “gaming techniques” this isn’t about manipulation or playing games with someone else’s emotions. It is about playing a game with yourself. You ARE that person, you’re just employing a mindset that allows you to relax instead of getting nervous, uptight, and stumbling over your words. You’re not being a phony, you’re empowering yourself to let things happen.

You can’t fake it either, you genuinely have to convince yourself you’re in a solid relationship and none of ‘this’ matters because you’re going home to that person at the end of the night. Think about it from this perspective: Anything worth having is worth working for. I’d venture most of us want someone who is self assured, confident and proud of who they are. Ideally this strategy ensures both!

What do you think? Could this strategy work? Am I full of it? Give it a genuine try (field test anyone?) and see what you think. If it works, I want to hear your success stories. If you crash and burn, tell me I’m full of it. That’s okay too. This is the first time I’ve ever shared dating advice, but if there’s any demand for it (tell us in the comments), maybe Jenny will let me share stuff like this with you more often.

***

More about Ryan: Ryan is the Director of Community for a Sports Media firm by day, and business consultant by night. He writes about relationship marketing, the cultivation of conversations, and the spread of ideas at Ryan Stephens Marketing. He likes to play any sport, drink cold beer, listen to live Texas Country music, get dominated by p90x, and is way too critical of movies. Sometimes he mistakes himself for a ladies’ man.

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“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now.”
-Zig Zigler

Photo Courtesy of Vanessa Pike-Russell (Flickr)

Crisp, sugary-sweet bacon. Hot, deliciously salty french fries. Food so mischievously tasty that you close your eyes as you savor those few seconds of blissful indulgence. So bad…but OH. SO. GOOD.

Most of us know what foods are particularly bad for us, but at times we still fall into the trap of short-term pleasure at the expense of long-term health (we are, after all, only human). We know that fatty, greasy foods corrode and clog our arteries. But the catch is that they do it slowly. If there were instant “artery clogged!” flags or side pains for every french fry consumed, it might be easier to say no. But instead, we say yes – hoping that in 30 years our arteries won’t be that bad.

So how conscious are you when it comes to spending money? How are your short-term habits contributing to your long-term goals? Are you clogging your financial arteries for the sake of fleeting indulgences?

As I’ve written in previous posts (See 3 Little White Lies We Tell Ourselves When Spending Money), we all have our financial weak spots. Here are some seemingly-innocuous habits that may be slowly clogging your financial arteries:

• Regularly purchasing items you don’t need or that you don’t use
• Spending money before you’ve earned it (”I’ll be rich one day” or “I have a big paycheck coming, so I’ll spend as though I have it already”)
• Spending large proportions of your income or spending excessively on things that don’t ultimately enhance your quality of life (for example: spending $100 on drinks at the bar. Was it really necessary?)
• Letting cable or cell phone companies over-charge you because you don’t pay attention to your bills before paying them.
• Justifying purchases you know you shouldn’t make by saying “I’ll figure out how to pay for it later”

This is by no means a comprehensive list. It is meant to get you thinking. What spending (or non-saving) habits of yours are not contributing to a healthy financial future? If you magnified the impact of each financial habit by 100, would the result be positive or negative? And in what areas should you give yourself credit for building a strong financial foundation?

For many of us, principles of healthy eating are easier to conceptualize than healthy spending. So the next time you find yourself about to make a stupid financial decision – yes, you heard me, stupid – stop and ask yourself what the nutritional equivalent would be. Ten donuts? A bucket of KFC? A quarter-pounder with bacon? And then ask: is it still worth it? Or to reference Zigler, are you trading what you want most (ie: financial health and security) for what you want right now?

Looking for a simple way to kick-start your journey toward healthier financial habits? Check-out this Simple 4-Step Budget template (created with Google Spreadsheets):

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