Life According To Candice

Texting with Tiger Woods.

2009-12-17T23:44:00.009-06:00

Tiger- Hey babe, what's up?Candice- Oh, so it's going to be all like THAT?Tiger- What u mean?Candice- All "What's up babe" all nonchalant and shit? Tiger- What's up with the attitude?Candice- Well, the fact you're darting everything with a vagina as of late might have something to do with it. I thought I was the only one? Tiger-I guess you've been watching the news 2? You do realize that it's all

So it's time for a little "That's What She Said Tuesday"

2009-12-15T01:56:00.011-06:00

The time has come for me to give back to the world in my own little way. I'm tired of sitting here just bursting at the seams with intellect, while there are people out there that need my help, knowledge, and expertise. I'm finally ready to fumigate my wisdom upon you all by offering up some advice that is sure to improve your life. (or seriously fuck it up. Your call)Get this. You owe me nothing

It's not ME, it's YOU.

2009-12-14T00:36:00.008-06:00

Remember my buddy Melinda? She's a good friend of mine that happens to be more directionally challenged than I am. Need proof? Read on.So naturally, being friends and all of that, we had the bright idea to get together again. Like a true genius I decided to wing our plans by telling her to drive my direction, and I would drive her direction, and we would meet somewhere in the middle because I'm (

So I've decided that eating a Healthy Choice frozen meal is a lot like starving.

2009-12-12T16:37:00.009-06:00

Dear Healthy Choice,How about we get right down to it. What the hell is your issue? You call THAT a meal? You actually expect that speck of food to sustain a normal sized person for any amount of time? Seriously?I just ate your "meal" and I'm sitting here with flies buzzing around my face, while sporting a distended belly. For only 50 fucking cents a day you can support my ass with a REAL meal if

Facebook status updates you've always wanted to post, but were to chickenshit to do so.

2009-12-10T00:26:00.006-06:00

If you have a Facebook account, you know exactly what I'm talking about. There are various types of Facebook users, and they fall into a few categories. 1. Those who NEVER post status updates2. Those who very infrequently post status updates, and when they do they're normally funny or insightful.3. Those who change their status update no more than 3 times a day.4. And finally you have those who

Apprently I need education on how to properly use a garbage disposal.

2009-12-08T22:05:00.006-06:00

So the other day I decided to dispose of some meat down the kitchen sink. You know, in that little round thing called a DISPOSAL. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that IS where you dispose of food and whatnot, correct? I thought so as well. In an amazing turn of events, Brent (aka Bob Vila) let it be known that I was wrong to put meat down the disposal. "It's too fibrous", and in turn, it stopped up

Move aside Dear Abby. There's a new bitch in town.

2009-12-08T14:34:00.007-06:00

Okay, so it was pointed out to me that I came up with this brilliant idea about doing a weekly advice post like 2 months ago, but in true Candice fashion I never followed through on it. To be honest, my idea was so fucking cool I just simply forgot about it. That happens from time to time. It's something you will just have to deal with if you want me in your life. So here's the deal. For this to

"Who do you expect to read your blog anyway?"

2009-12-07T19:03:00.007-06:00

I'm fairly certain those were the exact words that came from both of my parents when I apparently lost my mind and told them that I had a blog. Well, that's a lie. I think their first words were actually "What's a blog?" and then they wanted to know what I planned on writing about. Apparently ME writing about anything was slightly shocking to them. Oddly enough my family has probably provided me

Christmas has apparently come early for me this year.

2009-12-06T22:31:00.010-06:00

I'm not sure if you recall my good buddy, Richard or not. You may remember him as the car salesman with the tiny penis that fed me a bullshit line in order to get me to out to his dealership way across town on my day off. Okay, so to be honest I have no idea if he has a tiny penis, but if I were guessing, and I really am, I'd bet he's packing a Light Brite peg between his legs. Not that has

I got your Florence Nightingale right here.

2009-12-04T21:34:00.007-06:00

That's right kids, it's been a while since I've done a stories from the "office" post, but here it goes in no particular order. First of all, I think it's cool that we get to listen to music all day at work. However, listening to Christmas music for 12 hours straight has made me want to stick a 16 gauge needle in my fucking ear hole until I can no longer hear ANYTHING.. EVER.. AGAIN! And yes, "

My observations from a Japanese steakhouse

2009-12-03T11:23:00.005-06:00

Last night we decided to go to our favorite Japanese steakhouse and eat enough food that could easily sustain a third world country. As I stuffed my face beyond all recognition, I made the following observations. 1. Eating with strangers at the same table is awkward and a pain in my ass. Especially if they are obnoxious and annoying. Sometimes I visualize stabbing these people in the eyeball with

Just in case you were wanting to get me something for Christmas, and I know you are, I'll give you my must have gift for this year.

2009-11-27T18:22:00.003-06:00

I would elaborate futher, but I don't think it's necessary.Humor-Blogs.com

Deep thoughts with Candice

2009-11-24T15:20:00.013-06:00

It really intrigues me how one specific hand gesture, comment, or facial expression can trigger a thought in my head that has jack nor shit to do with anything going on at the moment. This very thing happened during a conversation that I had with Brent yesterday.He had taken a glass out of the cabinet, or "cupboard" as he likes to refer to it because he's a weird mother fucker. Seriously, who

Please feel free to send any future email to me at my G-spot account. Thanks.

2009-11-24T11:24:00.007-06:00

(This conversation took place while talking to my Mother on the phone... For almost an hour... again. Have I ever mentioned that I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone regardless of who it is? Alrighty then.)Mom- Have you talked to a travel agent in your area yet?Me- *crickets* Uh, no. Mom- Well, what are you waiting on? We have to book this trip before it's too late. Me- I will. Chill

Nothing says welcome home like a pile of dog puke on the floor

2009-11-20T22:21:00.005-06:00

I'm just going to throw this out there. I can handle many things with ease. However, puke, regardless of WHO it's coming out of, is not one of them. So I was having a moment with my daughter in the kitchen. I think our "moment" pertained to her school camping trip that she's about to take for 3 days coming up in Dec. I just found out that she's not going to be able to take her cell phone, nor

Indecent proposal. ER style.

2009-11-17T05:37:00.008-06:00

An intoxicated individual involved in a motorcycle crash comes into the ER by EMS. Drunk man in question wasn't wearing a helmet when he went over his handle bars and hit the side of his face, leaving him looking like a cross between Quasimodo's older cousin and Fabio. What? He had a pony tail.Drunk man had this strong aversion to wearing his c-collar, so I attempted to explain numerous times why

I was all about making this a sunshine beaming out of my ass kind of post. I promise.

2009-11-11T17:04:00.012-06:00

However, shit ain't going down like that today ladies and gents.After my last post where I frightened away half of my readers, I decided to turn my frown upside down by going to get a most relaxing facial/chemical peel. Doesn't sound so fun to you who are unaware of such services, I'm sure. However, it's actually quite nice... Usually.By the way, if you are a female and you are in your mid to

I'm baaaaaack, and I should come equipped with one of those warning labels

2009-11-06T14:51:00.013-06:00

Disclaimer: This particular post is going to be filled with angst, rage, and a whole lot of fury. It will most likely contain some obscene language as well. I realize that this is abnormal for me. (ahem) If you are the kind of person who walks around 24 hours a day with rainbows shooting from your ass, I'm going to lay odds that you'll find this post offensive. You may even judge me for being so

Learned something new today. Flies drop deuces. Who knew?

2009-11-01T23:28:00.016-06:00

I love it when my kids teach me new things. Things that I typically would never EVER think about. Like flies taking a shit, for example. The other day I posted a video of that terrible moment in time when "we" killed the spider in the window. Remember that? I was horribly embarrassed when I lifted the blinds for the first time in 2 1/2 years and saw the carnage that was on the window sill. I was

My Halloween observations. Feel free to add your own.

2009-10-31T22:22:00.020-05:00

1. As a parent, if you find yourself dragging a cooler on wheels while you accompany your little one trick or treating, it might be time to admit you have a problem. Or maybe I'm just jealous.2. I'm planning to start a group called POLA in my spare time. That stands for Parents Of Little Assholes. Allow me to explain. If your a big asshole with no manners, then odds are you will raise yourself a

The hit on Larry was finally carried out. I have videographic evidence, and skid marks in my drawers. You're welcome.

2009-10-30T22:57:00.005-05:00

He finally did it. Today Brent came home from work bearing gifts of great joy, which mainly consisted of a can of Raid, some cupcakes, and Halloween candy. Now typically I would have made an immediate move towards the cupcakes, however, today the most important item was the Raid.I knew Larry was about to go down. I was going to be free of his ass once and for all.Just a few observations before I

It doesn't happen very often, but perhaps I was wrong ...

2009-10-29T19:59:00.010-05:00

As you may remember in my last post, we recently made a family trip to the Halloween (YO, why don't you stare at my ample tits) store to get costumes for the rug rats. What I failed to mention is that I also got a costume for myself.Yes, I know it's ridiculous for an adult to buy a costume, right? I would have thought so before I moved to this neighborhood as well. I mean, we were in Va for 8 yrs

How about a friendly tip for my male readers.

2009-10-27T00:43:00.011-05:00

Why don't we cut the bullshit here boys, shall we?I'm specifically talking about the way some of you go out of your way to act like you don't even notice other women in the general vicinity when you and your significant other are together. I witness this all the time, so I sort of feel like an expert on the subject. Allow me to spew my wisdom upon you.You know exactly who you are. You're the one

You know you've reached your potential when you get arrested for driving your RECLINER under the influence.

2009-10-24T02:48:00.008-05:00

I'm not making this up. I promise.Some extremely (bored) creative man in Minnesota not only thought it would be a good idea to make a portable recliner with parts out of his old lawnmower motor, but he actually had the nads to drive the thing out in public while intoxicated. Oh, and get this, he was arrested for DWI after he ran his white trash lazy-boy-mobile into a parked vehicle. I love it!

I crapped myself today for the first time since infancy.

2009-10-23T19:03:00.014-05:00

If you are a long time reader of this blog, you may remember that I'm no fan of spiders. They are disgusting. I mean, I really hate them with a passion.Anytime I see a spider, I have this immediate physiological response to them. My heart races, my respirations increase, I scream in fear, I run around like my ass in on fire, and finally, I come close to pissing myself. It only just goes downhill