Life According To Candice

Fun with scrotal sacks.

2012-01-04T13:33:00.001-06:00

To be honest, this has absolutely balls to do with scrotal sacks. I like attention getting titles that draw the reader in because I know what people want, and by God if scrotal sacks can't do it, then what the hell is wrong with you people anyway? I know I've taken somewhat of a writing hiatus, or sabbatical, if you will. It really was for your own good. It isn't that things haven't been

Perhaps math isn’t so bad after all.

2011-09-25T00:14:00.001-05:00

Fact: It’s been a few years since I’ve been able to assist my daughter with her math homework. Once the degree of mathematical difficulty skyrocketed in about the second grade, all bets were off for me in that particular arena. Consequently, all of her math questions end up being pushed upon someone who isn’t a fucking math moron. So that leaves dear old Dad. Don’t get me wrong, regular

J Chrizzy is back in the hizzouse!

2011-09-09T11:46:00.002-05:00

Hello folks, it’s me, Little J to the *wicky wicky* esus Christ. If you are unfamiliar as to why I’m referred to as JC, then just scroll down a post or so. I promise you won’t have to go far since my lazy Madre doesn’t seem to be “motivated” to write anymore. Her full time job these days would be making sure that the DVR doesn’t get full with intelligent programming such as Dance Moms. As far as

My Monday Morning. The Cliffs notes version

2011-08-22T08:53:00.001-05:00

- Wake up at 0545 and feed cute screaming baby. - Put cute asleep baby back in crib around 0630. - Realize at 0700 that the kids have decided to play Joe the fucking plumber upstairs when they wake up and flood their bathroom with their apparent clogged toilet, instead of coming downstairs to notify and adult --------> (Brent) -At 0710 I make oatmeal for Brent and myself. I spill at least a

Apparently my daughter has law school in her future?

2011-08-18T16:11:00.001-05:00

You see the shit I deal with, right? click to enlarge, fool.

Yo, is this thing on?

2011-08-03T19:17:00.002-05:00

Hey there. It’s me again. Little homie, a.k.a boob rapist, a.k.a Harold and the purple crayon, a.k.a Jesus Christ. At least that last one is what my parents call me when I shit my pants. Anytitty, I’m blogging today from the hottest fucking place on earth. Where the past month I haven’t gotten to leave this house because my mom says my genital region would surely sweat so badly I’d end up with

Brent quickies

2011-07-25T13:42:00.001-05:00

Me- “Can you go to Walmart for the 343,284,279th time today for yet something else that I forgot to put on the grocery list?” Brent- “Whatever. I suppose I need to change my shirt first. With all of this baby puke on me, I look like I’ve been starring in a gay porn.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This took place fresh into my postpartum

I have crab. Which is probably better than crabS, but still…

2011-07-02T20:49:00.001-05:00

I’ve been having feelings of guilt about mainly putting pictures of Blake being a giant cryass (even though I find those pictures absolutely hysterical) on my blog, so today I’m proving that he does, in fact, operate on no levels of baby rage. I’m also proving that he’s lost all the two hairs that he was born with, and now his head resembles a fuzzy little tennis ball. He may not have any

Tranquil baby my ass.

2011-06-23T11:32:00.001-05:00

There are a few different levels of what I like to refer to as “baby rage”. Baby rage can occur anywhere and at anytime, so it’s best that if you have a baby of your own, or if you have to be subjected to someone else's baby, you have the tools to prepare you in such an event. The baby rage levels follow closely to the terror threat levels that we are all so accustomed to by now, and require

To Twitter or not to Twitter? That is the question.

2011-06-17T10:50:00.001-05:00

I know what you’re thinking. “Dude, she doesn’t have a Twitter account yet? Seriously? My Grandmother and the mole on my left ass cheek has has a Twitter account.” Sadly, I have not jumped upon this bandwagon yet. To tell you the truth, for the longest time I didn’t see the point. I figured it was like the land of the constant lame ass Facebook status updates. And trust me, nobody wants to

Time flies when you’re somewhat sleep deprived.

2011-06-05T12:58:00.001-05:00

Remember when I was all knocked up and I would complain about how I couldn’t really get a good nights sleep because I was too busy making tracks back and forth to the bathroom all night, voiding 1 measly cc of urine at a time? I assumed that the frequent interruptions in my sleep pattern would prepare me for lack of sleep that I would surely undergo once we had a baby around these parts again.

Life according to Blake.

2011-05-21T10:46:00.001-05:00

Have you ever looked at a newborn and wished they could tell you what they were thinking? Well, wonder no more. My genius baby is about to deliver his first blog post, and he’s only 17 days old. Enjoy. Dude. “Baby lock them doors and turn them lights down low…” Really, American Idol fans? I’m a mere newborn and even I know better than to vote for that jackass. Besides, he looks like the

Putting your d*ck in a box will apparently get you a week of hard time around these parts…

2011-05-17T11:42:00.001-05:00

No pun intended of course. You know, I’ll be so bold to admit that I’ve had penis envy several times over the course of my life. I mean, how convenient would a penis have been in those times back in high school when we partied out in the middle of nowhere? Yes, I did grow up in a small town, why do you ask? Instead of having to pop a squat and try to control the flow of urine in such a way

Ask and ye shall receive!

2011-05-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

So approximately 5 hours after my last post, I went to my 38 week OB appointment and got quite the surprise. My blood pressure was elevated and my doctor sent us directly to the hospital to start an induction. Can you say shit your pants? I had no nursing bras purchased. No hospital bag packed. No going home outfit for Blake picked out. No tucks pads, dermoplast, or ginormous maxi-pads

Incoherent ramblings of a pregnant insomniac.

2011-05-03T05:25:00.001-05:00

Three. I was asleep 3 measly hours and then BAM! Wide awake at 0130. So I lay here in the darkness trying to decide what I should do. The laundry is done, so that’s out. Both refrigerators and all 3 freezers are organized and essentially spotless. I’m talking like sleeping with the enemy spotless, too. I love it! I could go upstairs and hop on the elliptical or treadmill while I watch one of

Go ahead, make my day.

2011-04-27T10:22:00.003-05:00

I’m not a particularly violent person. I never have been. Oh sure, I have an extremely active imagination, and I may wish for flaming yeast infections, debilitating hemorrhoids, and penile leprosy upon the stupid people that I come into contact with, but that’s about it.Until now. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I have a bullshit tolerance meter built into my personality. Meaning that I

All good things must come to an end eventually, right?

2011-04-25T10:27:00.001-05:00

I must say that I have really enjoyed this pregnancy. It’s been quite a different experience from my previous two. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy being pregnant with them, but I was clearly in a different stage of my life back then. When I was pregnant with Taylor and Aidan, I was in my early 20’s and to say that I wasn’t totally impressed with the changes that my body went through was sort of

This blog today will be brought to you by the letter D.

2011-04-18T19:31:00.003-05:00

Denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. [1 Very rarely is denial ever thought of in a positive way. Yesterday I realized that I, too, have been in denial. I’m not sure what drove me to that conclusion.

Apparently I’m Italian and just didn’t know it.

2011-04-14T08:14:00.001-05:00

All I wanted to do was go in and get my nails done, and relax as much as I possibly could as people talked shit about me in another language. I also brought Taylor along. She’s really taken to this pampering stuff at a relatively early age. Kids these days… To my surprise Kelly was working. She’s my eyebrow girl. Correction. She’s my eyebrow girl that doesn’t rip ALL of my eyebrow hair out

I’ll probably owe Brent various favors until this kid is at least 18, but project nursery is FINISHED.

2011-04-11T16:43:00.001-05:00

I must say that this little endeavor took much longer than anticipated. This was partially due to Brent being slow and meticulous, and partially from my innate ability to come up with multiple custom projects just as soon as one was wrapped up. I may be totally biased, but I think that my vision, plus Brent’s ability to do the things I can’t, made one kick ass nursery that only the cutest

LA face with an Oakland booty.

2011-04-01T13:24:00.001-05:00

Nice title, right? I thought so as well. I have no idea what it has to do with this particular post, but that’s okay. Sometimes you’ve got to just go with what feels right. So I’m sure you’ve noticed (or maybe you haven’t) that I’ve been MIA for a while. I recently noticed that I was fast approaching on 1 month without a post. That’s pretty slackerish even for me, I must admit. What have I

Growing up Catholic pretty much meant that Ash Wednesday was the best day to attend church EVER!

2011-03-09T16:51:00.006-06:00

I know that this is probably going to come as a surprise to most of you, but I was forced against my will to attend mass every Sunday. It’s something that I’m still slightly bitter about, and will most likely need additional therapy in order to finally resolve my feelings about it all. “Gee Candice, why would you not want to attend church every Sunday?”Good question. Thanks for asking.Allow me to

I bet Charlie Sheen would’ve been able to get the job done. You know, tiger blood and all. . .

2011-03-07T16:56:00.003-06:00

So as this pregnancy business winds down, I’m really finding myself eager to finish up feathering my nest if you will. What this basically means is that I’ve done all that I can do with project sexy nursery, and the rest is up to Brent, because at this point I’m physically dunzo. I mean, I can barely wipe my own lady bits because there is another human being protruding off the front of me, and my

What What to Expect when You’re Expecting failed to mention. Finally, my general overview of the 2nd trimester.

2011-03-02T12:18:00.004-06:00

You may remember my overview of the 1st trimester post several weeks back. In case you missed it, you can revisit that lovely jewel here.I’m back to shed some light on a few things that most pregnant women and their poor significant others can expect to occur in the second trimester. If you know someone who is pregnant, it’s best that you read this before coming into close contact with the woman

Excuse me Ma’am, would you care for a little protein with your Aquafina? wink

2011-02-23T23:35:00.005-06:00

How about I pose a hypothetical scenario for you fine folks?Lets say you’re at work. You periodically become thirsty at work, so you have a bottle of water on your desk to quench that undying thirst of yours. The only problem is when you leave your desk and then return later to drink your water, it oddly enough tastes like someone spanked off in it. This has happened to you twice within the past