Life According To Candice

School is in session. Now where’s my gift?

2013-05-11T02:15:00.001-05:00

Well, summer is drawing near and you know what that means. If you have kids, they will soon be out of school and at home annoying the living shit out of you. Most people would find that to be somewhat of a depressing thought. However, I’m fucking ecstatic about it, and I’m about to tell you why. First of all, let me state for the record that I love teachers… most of them. I have friends who are

Helpful life tips from my darling daughter

2013-04-05T08:10:00.001-05:00

Every now and then as a parent you come across something that is a potential gold mind for future use against your kids. My offspring love to write in journals and draw, especially Taylor. Imagine my excitement when Aidan let it be known that he had stumbled across one of Taylor’s book of tips. I immediately grabbed the small leather bound book and began reading intently as if it were a New

An asshole’s guide to Valentine’s Day

2013-02-13T15:24:00.001-06:00

I’ve always had a strong disinclination towards Valentine’s Day. I can easily recall my Middle School years, but most importantly, my High School years during this dreadful “holiday”. All of the girls would rush in between classes out to the long table that was placed in front of the principle’s office, to see if anything had been delivered for them during class. It was like a sea of half

Anatomy lesson with blake

2013-02-11T10:03:00.001-06:00

I think that it’s innate as a parent that one of the very first things we do is teach our baby/toddler the names of their adorable little facial features. I’m unsure as to why that’s really important, but we all do it for whatever reason. That being said, It’s almost a given that if you have children, at some point you sat around repeatedly asking your small child where their nose was, as they

Pretty sure we made Rodentia our bitch

2013-02-08T08:11:00.001-06:00

I want to start this off by saying that I really hope this is the last post where I drone on and on about this disgusting problem. I’m sure you do too. However, I would be remiss to leave any of you hanging in case you were truly concerned about the Godzilla rats living in our garage. I last left off with high hopes about my self-made bucket trap. I saw many drowning rats on YouTube with this

Is that a baby’s leg sticking out of your gut, or are you just happy to see me?

2013-01-25T13:44:00.001-06:00

We took the kids to the zoo last weekend and had the most wonderful time. I actually have a love/hate relationship with the zoo. I mostly hate the people that go there, but since it was wasn’t crowded at all, we really got to take our time and actually enjoy watching the beautiful creatures held captive in some small shitty mock landscape environment that is almost as good as the real thing in

Shit just got real. update on our vermin situation.

2013-01-22T01:17:00.001-06:00

It’s 12:30 am and I can’t sleep because I’m so shook up over what happened to me a couple of hours ago. I never want to go into my garage again. Like, ever. Before I get into that, let me just say that a few days ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. I did some hardcore research on DIY mouse traps since the ones Brent purchased seem to be doing jack nor shit for our little problem. I

Of mice and (wo)men. This story also ends badly.

2013-01-14T12:40:00.001-06:00

To understand how we got here, first you have to know a little backstory. It goes a little something like this… One day I watched a show on TLC called Extreme Couponing. I told Brent that we too, needed 125 bottles of mustard. He rolled his eyes and went and grabbed 50 news papers. We he cut coupons until our fingers bled. I sent him to the store to buy a shit load of groceries because I dislike

What crawled up my ass?

2013-01-11T19:07:00.001-06:00

Ever have one of those days when you want to beat your own ass with a bag of dicks for being such a bitch? That was me. Today. Now, I must admit that I’m easy to get along with, and I typically remain in a decent mood assuming I’m not surrounded by idiots. However, I have those moments when I teeter on the brink of assholiness. I even admit that relatively small actions can make a bitch go

Bananas are better than boobs

2013-01-02T08:22:00.001-06:00

Here’s reason number 978 as to why Blake will need therapy when he’s older. Now I just need to get Brent more interested in bananas and Wonder Pets. Happy New Year!! Technorati Tags: Porn,wonder pets,breakfast boobs,aintnobodygottimefodat

It’s that time of year again…

2012-12-04T15:27:00.001-06:00

Tradition. To be honest, I tend to suck at it. I envy those parents that have their shit together enough to manage to have the time to follow through on family traditions. You know, the ones that your kids will grow up to remember forever. Around here, the tooth fairy is a deadbeat fairy and really sucks at her job. Most of the time she’s late picking up teeth because she has been

How to write a post about porn without upsetting your Mother.

2012-11-26T09:44:00.001-06:00

Before I get into the nitty gritty of this post, I want to bust out with some statistics about porn. The online porn industry makes over $3,000 per second. In the US alone, internet porn pulls in over 2.84 billion per year. 20% of men admit to watching porn at work, so basically that means about 83% of men watch porn at work. Utah has the nations highest porn subscription rate.

Revenge is sweet. Revenge via Facebook is sweeter.

2012-11-09T13:11:00.001-06:00

One thing you need to know about me is that I have a decent memory. I think the saying goes “I have a memory like an elephant” but I can’t remember exactly. Anyway, I don’t forget much and just when you think I’ve forgotten something and let bygones be bygones, I do that thief in the night move and remind you that your wrongdoing is actually in the forefront of my brain, and I’m comin’ for you.

The Pinterest pantry rebuttal. In my husband’s words.

2012-10-29T11:40:00.001-05:00

You've seen the end result. Now let's talk about how we got there. First, no male ever wants to hear the rest of any sentence that starts with "I was on Pinterest and..." - it just can't end well, no matter how you spin it. I was also unaware that our pantry was doing such a poor job of, you know, storing food during that 12 second interval between the grocery and the kids' mouths. But

Pinterest? Ain’t nobody got time for that!

2012-10-22T13:50:00.001-05:00

I get emails all of the time asking if I’ve died. If I’ve gone rogue. Why I don’t blog anymore, etc. Y’all are some needy people. Look, in my defense I’m a busy woman. Very busy. I’ve got a toddler who has hit that stage where he just likes to fuck shit up all day long in-between episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba. He’s a tornado of destruction, and I have to watch him constantly or else he will do

Peristalsis waits for no one, folks.

2012-09-13T15:20:00.001-05:00

There are many facts in life, but one really major one is that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE shits. That hot guy you just passed in the hallway at your prestigious job? He shits.Your Priest? He has absolutely no trouble shitting. That woman that you want to bang 50 ways from Sunday? She shits too, and if I were guessing, she does the “toilet rock” from side to side on an occasion to complete

Ice Ice Baby

2012-08-12T14:37:00.001-05:00

If you have kids, you are probably well aware that at times they can do some really stupid shit. Most of these things probably cause our blood pressure to rise when we initially find out about them, but we can usually always find humor in them later if we’re lucky. For example, the time Aidan literally urinated in my Shampoo bottle, and I found out by using said shampoo. Who else can say their

Reading this will enhance your life. I think…

2012-08-10T08:28:00.001-05:00

Folks, this is the time of year that I really dislike. It’s beyond hot. When water parks have to put ICE in their wave pools to cool off the water to something other than the temperature of stagnant piss, then you know you live in a miserable place. Not only is it hot, but football season is upon us. The only reason I know this is because people keep saying so on Facebook. Yet another reason

Top 10 reasons I love to watch the Olympics

2012-07-27T15:25:00.001-05:00

1. I’m very patriotic. GO USA!!!! 2. The sheer athleticism that people from all around the globe posses is simply amazing, and it inspires me in ways I would’ve never dreamt possible. 3. The Olympics gives me an appreciation for other Countries across the globe. 4. I love to be able to watch others live out their dreams. 5. I feel invigorated and inspired to reach my own

50 Shades of Grey? More like 50 Shades of SHIT!

2012-07-19T13:03:00.001-05:00

Remember back in the day when you were in Middle School and all of your friends were wearing those God awful one piece clown rompers, and then you began to feel left out because you didn’t look like an idiot in a clown romper too? All of your friends were like, “Duh, I’m a sexy piece of ass in this clown romper, bitch. Too bad you don’t have one to show off all of your curves.” Then you

Allow me to introduce you to our Chinese Au Pair.

2012-07-16T22:31:00.001-05:00

I’ve been somewhat busy lately working 40 hrs a month, so I talked Brent into hiring some help around these parts. Blake is at that age where the only thing he does with his ass is shit, so he’s constantly walking around, and never just sits down to immerse himself in a good program. The Real L Word is back on now, so I have to have at least SOME time to myself, and the kid is too much of a

Swedish 1. Candice and family 0.

2012-07-09T13:38:00.001-05:00

“Oh. My. God! You’ve never been there? Well what are you waiting for?” “I can’t believe you live so close to it, and have never been!” “Well, I spent two whole hours there once and STILL didn’t see everything there was to see.” “You’ll LOVE it! There’s something for everyone!” Liars.. The whole fucking bunch of them. What am I talking about? This place. IKEA. In simple terms,

The long road home.

2012-06-25T11:46:00.001-05:00

She was such a sweet and gentle woman. One who always had a smile on her face, and her arms open wide ready to greet you. She was a devout woman, and I think I speak for everyone that knew her when I say that she never spoke an ill word about anyone. She was honest and funny, and when she turned 90 and I asked her how she liked living to be so old, she brought the house down when she answered

Mini me strikes again.

2012-05-21T22:10:00.001-05:00

Taylor has been a bit perturbed with me over a certain issue, so instead of acting out like most pre-teens would do, she’s debating me with written word. Below is the exact copy of her “persuasive essay” Hope you enjoy it half as much as I did. Persuasive essay Prompt: Should Taylor be allowed to bring her iPad to school? Suport your answer. I believe that I should be able to bring

Deep thoughts

2012-05-20T18:54:00.000-05:00

As I sit here in bed after a long tiring day doing my due diligence by watching my television programs before they threaten to fill up the DVR, I find myself pondering something that in these uncertain times, I would imagine that most people with a half a heart and soul would ponder. . . Why can't men's nuts be remotely as tasty as chocolate nuts? That is all. Goodnight.