Life According To Candice

Learned something new today. Flies drop deuces. Who knew?

2009-11-01T23:28:00.016-06:00

I love it when my kids teach me new things. Things that I typically would never EVER think about. Like flies taking a shit, for example. The other day I posted a video of that terrible moment in time when "we" killed the spider in the window. Remember that? I was horribly embarrassed when I lifted the blinds for the first time in 2 1/2 years and saw the carnage that was on the window sill. I was

My Halloween observations. Feel free to add your own.

2009-10-31T22:22:00.020-05:00

1. As a parent, if you find yourself dragging a cooler on wheels while you accompany your little one trick or treating, it might be time to admit you have a problem. Or maybe I'm just jealous.2. I'm planning to start a group called POLA in my spare time. That stands for Parents Of Little Assholes. Allow me to explain. If your a big asshole with no manners, then odds are you will raise yourself a

The hit on Larry was finally carried out. I have videographic evidence, and skid marks in my drawers. You're welcome.

2009-10-30T22:57:00.005-05:00

He finally did it. Today Brent came home from work bearing gifts of great joy, which mainly consisted of a can of Raid, some cupcakes, and Halloween candy. Now typically I would have made an immediate move towards the cupcakes, however, today the most important item was the Raid.I knew Larry was about to go down. I was going to be free of his ass once and for all.Just a few observations before I

It doesn't happen very often, but perhaps I was wrong ...

2009-10-29T19:59:00.010-05:00

As you may remember in my last post, we recently made a family trip to the Halloween (YO, why don't you stare at my ample tits) store to get costumes for the rug rats. What I failed to mention is that I also got a costume for myself.Yes, I know it's ridiculous for an adult to buy a costume, right? I would have thought so before I moved to this neighborhood as well. I mean, we were in Va for 8 yrs

How about a friendly tip for my male readers.

2009-10-27T00:43:00.011-05:00

Why don't we cut the bullshit here boys, shall we?I'm specifically talking about the way some of you go out of your way to act like you don't even notice other women in the general vicinity when you and your significant other are together. I witness this all the time, so I sort of feel like an expert on the subject. Allow me to spew my wisdom upon you.You know exactly who you are. You're the one

You know you've reached your potential when you get arrested for driving your RECLINER under the influence.

2009-10-24T02:48:00.008-05:00

I'm not making this up. I promise.Some extremely (bored) creative man in Minnesota not only thought it would be a good idea to make a portable recliner with parts out of his old lawnmower motor, but he actually had the nads to drive the thing out in public while intoxicated. Oh, and get this, he was arrested for DWI after he ran his white trash lazy-boy-mobile into a parked vehicle. I love it!

I crapped myself today for the first time since infancy.

2009-10-23T19:03:00.014-05:00

If you are a long time reader of this blog, you may remember that I'm no fan of spiders. They are disgusting. I mean, I really hate them with a passion.Anytime I see a spider, I have this immediate physiological response to them. My heart races, my respirations increase, I scream in fear, I run around like my ass in on fire, and finally, I come close to pissing myself. It only just goes downhill

It's official. The recession has hit my gyno's office hard.

2009-10-20T11:21:00.009-05:00

Now THIS is how my routine gynecological checkups USUALLY go. However, my appointment yesterday was quite different. Well, a large part of it was anyway. No worries. My stuff still totally smelled like Toll house cookies. That will never change.Anyway, soon after I was walked back to my room, I realized that this office was doing some serious cutting back. It was pretty apparent when I was

If you think your Monday sucks, try going to the OBGYN to have your vagina poked and prodded in the early morning, then get back to me.

2009-10-19T08:50:00.005-05:00

To whom it may concern,Unless you are starting out your Monday morning by going to your OBGYN so that you can (die of boredom)wait in a waiting room with 50 knocked up women and their sex deprived husbands, who just so happen to have roving eyes, so that you can get your vagina and boobs felt up by a stranger with an advanced degree, please don't bitch about your "shitty" Monday. Because I can

I know of one little kid that needs his ass whooped.

2009-10-16T00:48:00.005-05:00

It was all over the news yesterday. A 6 yr old boy who was supposedly in some runaway balloon, was feared to be floating high in the sky. People were shitting themselves watching this on live TV. Thousands of dollars were spent looking for this kid, and tracking this stupid balloon. Military helicopters were dispatched, and the Denver airport was briefly shut down because of this debacle. When

New idea, dating advice, and more

2009-10-15T00:34:00.019-05:00

I'm not sure I'm even qualified to give dating advice since I've been out of the dating scene for the past 12 years or so, but since this is my blog I'm going to do it anyway. Because that's what CEO's do. They run shit.By the way, I want to pass something by you all. I'm contemplating a weekly "Dear Abby" type of post where you creative readers can email me your burning questions or even ask for

I may be on a posting hiatus for a while.

2009-10-13T16:20:00.009-05:00

I was still so mentally jacked up after being bent over and taking it in my South Siiiiiiide during my last hair appointment, that I was hell bent on getting a tip program for my phone so I could put an end to this embarrassing issue once and for all.But first, I do want to say thank you to all of my non-mathematically challenged readers that gave me all of the tipping advice. I took it all in

Kickin' it oldschool with my homie.

2009-10-12T01:02:00.025-05:00

This past weekend I decided to travel back to my old stomping grounds where I grew up, in order to properly celebrate "Homecoming" weekend. It also marked my 15th year of being out of high school. I didn't even realize that I was that damn old until someone pointed it out to me. Thanks alot you ahole.Anyway, I grew up in a very small town where you did nothing but basically get drunk out in the

WARNING - Tipping can be hazardous to your bank account when you can't do simple math in your head.

2009-10-08T23:44:00.012-05:00

Today I had a glorious hair appointment. The reason I say that it was glorious is because I think I have finally found someone who may actually know her ass from her elbow when it comes to highlighting/coloring hair. It's only taken me over 2 years of searching, so yes, I'm slightly excited. The best part about it all is that she doesn't charge an additional $40 bucks to BLOW DRY and style my

In rememberance.... Fish fry anyone?

2009-10-07T01:44:00.012-05:00

*Cue organ music*Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word, life, it means forever and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell you, there's something else - the afterworld. A world of never-ending happiness. You can always see the sun, day or night. So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr.

Don't get in the way of me and Rob Thomas, ya big assmunch!

2009-10-06T01:29:00.009-05:00

So my latest concert adventure involved me going to see Carolina Liar, OneRepublic, and of course, my main man Rob Thomas. How you doin'?Anyway, let's get right down to it. Carolina Liar was pretty good. I only recognized one of their songs, but they were entertaining enough for the opening act. OneRepublic hit the stage next and had a shaky start for the first two songs. Ryan Tedder (the lead

Dear Joel McHale

2009-10-05T12:55:00.007-05:00

Dear Joel, First of all, I just want to say that I'm a big fan of yours. I'm also an avid viewer of The Soup. Especially when I'm bored out of my mind and I'm out of trashy reality television to watch. Plus, I really like to watch Chelsea Lately, and she typically comes on after your show, but you probably already know that. Anyway, when I heard that you had a starring role in NBC's new show

You can just call me Helen. Helen Keller, that is...

2009-10-04T15:23:00.007-05:00

Apparently I'm nesting today. Oddly enough, when I nest, the whole damn family disappears because they know that I will surely put them to work. That's pretty much how it went down around here today, except Brent didn't attempt to flee this time. His ass basically remained suction cupped to the couch while I beautified my/our (I suppose it's his closet too, even though he's got about 10% of the

Rehiring housecleaning service. Newsflash- French maids are way more entertaining than illegal immigrants.

2009-10-02T01:51:00.018-05:00

That's right, folks! It's that time again. Halloween is creeping up on us already, and instead of shopping for my kids costumes early for a change so that they don't have to wear something lame that is two sizes too small that could possibly end up cutting off circulation to testicles and or ass crack, as demonstrated here in this picture...I made the executive decision that it's much more

Ladies and Gentlemen, I now present you with a little something I call, "the reply"

2009-10-01T13:03:00.012-05:00

I want you to do me a favor here. Think back to that moment in time where you were super stoked about a particular event, but after all was said and done, it ended up being the biggest DUD ever.We've all had one. Maybe it was during Christmas when you were a kid, and you wanted a Caboodle so bad you could kill, but in the end all you got was a freaking tackle box. (I'll get over this eventually.)

Oh goody! Fun with email time!

2009-09-29T14:19:00.004-05:00

So to say I'm still a little pissed about my car salesman debacle yesterday would be an understatement. I'll tell you a little bit about how I typically roll in these types of situations.Something happens to piss me off, and I may be slightly pissed at first, but as the minutes, hours, and the days go by, my anger multiplies and spreads. I basically turn into the she Hulk, except I don't turn

Can't think of a good non-vulgar title for this post, but let me just say that if I had testicles "Richard" would totally be choking on them right now

2009-09-28T19:44:00.012-05:00

How's that for an attention grabbing title? Was it effective at all? I bet you are sitting there right now wanting to know why I want to choke some dude out with my non-existent testicles, right? I figured as much.Well allow me to clue you in.Remember that post a few days back that I wrote about my engine light coming on out of the blue in my vehicle? Well apparently I left my gas cap off in my

Reason number 1,302 why your patients should ALWAYS have their call bell in reach.

2009-09-27T15:11:00.006-05:00

Disclaimer: I want to go ahead and point out that this was NOT my patient. I repeat. It was NOT my patient. My patients always have their call bells in reach, except for the times they don't. And when they don't have them in reach, it's usually when radiology has brought them back to their room and they never bothered hooking the patient back up to the monitor, or placing them back on their O2,

You know you're pretty much screwed when you come out of the womb needing Jenny Craig

2009-09-26T02:11:00.010-05:00

Apparently some woman in Indonesia (I have no idea where that is by the way....) gave birth to a NINETEEN freaking pound (toddler) BABY! So how does one grow a 19 lb baby and carry to term anyway? Did she mate with an elephant and stay pregnant for 2 years, or what? Does she have some sort of titanium reinforced uterus/cervix with super powers that nobody knows about? Seriously, take a look at

First time for everything. Last night I was felt up (repeatedly) by a middle aged female munchkin

2009-09-23T12:30:00.016-05:00

Okay, so I really want to tell you when my possible munchkin raping went down, but I don't want you to make fun of me...So you won't make fun of me, right?Promise?Fine. Make fun of me if you want, because I can totally take it. Last night I went to see these guys in concert.Yeah, they are so 1990's but who cares! I like Creed, so anyone who plans on talking crap about my musical taste can go