2) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

3) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered at all times.

4) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

5) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let’s just think for a minute Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

7) In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

8) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (…presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

9) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”

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A: From chasing parked cars…

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Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.  Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.Difficult to find a pure sample.  Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.  Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.  Become sex plosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known.  Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce  large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form.  Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.  Melts whenever treated properly.  Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active.  Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.  Violent when left alone.  Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.  Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental.  An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.  Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

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She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Susan stands up and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher replies to her, “Well, that’s a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?”

Tom’s hand flies up and she calls on him.

Tom answers, “The water is definitely clear.”

“Well, Tom that’s a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it’s green, and sometimes it’s full of seaweed so it’s not definitely clear. Anyone else?”

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

“Yes, Robert?” asks the teacher.

“Can I ask a question, teacher?” Robert replies.

“Yes.”

“Do farts have lumps?”

“No. Why do you ask.”

“Well, then I’ve definitely pooped in my pants.”

The post Definite appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn’t they just throw out the pest.

“Oh I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

The post Air conditioning appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results. The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise — he got 150%.

He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark. The instructor said, “No, that’s right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine — a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it — a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe.”

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That's you should provide paper feedback form, although you never read them.

A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.

The clerk told the lady “Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.”

The lady says “Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.”

The clerk says “Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.”

The lady says “Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.”

The clerk had finally had it. He said “Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?”

The lady looked puzzled but answered “Yes, v a n.”

The clerk said, “Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?”

The lady still looked puzzled but answered “Yes, s t r a w.”

The clerk said, “Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?”

The lady answered, “There aren’t no fuck in chocolate.”

The clerk replied, “That’s what I’v been trying to tell you!”

The post Chocolate ice cream appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

“Also,” says the director, “You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.”

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

“There’s one last requirement,” the director continues; “you must be bilingual.”

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, “Meow!”

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“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jackson never went back. Six months later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

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Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it._
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we go to this
restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and
start to wonder whether it’s me or something so I ask him and he says no but
you know I’m not really sure.

So anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just
puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means because you
know he doesn’t say it back or anything. So when we get back to his I’m
wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just
switches on the TV and so_ I say I’m going to go to sleep.

Then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed
really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just
don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else ???

His story:

Crap day at work. Great shag later.

The post He said, she said appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

Even blobde knows her weapon.

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie’s lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.”

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than she is.”

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, “I wish I were smarter than both of them!”

So, she became a man.

The post Three wishes for blondes appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

For people who don’t drink.

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One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

“In my family,” the Scotsman said, “we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.”

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”

“Keep the goddamn egg.”

The post Keep the egg appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said:

“Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “’It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.“

The post Blood circulation appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

“Who made that tackle?” asked the ant.

“I did,” said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, “Who made that great stop?” “I did,” said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, “Where were you in the first half?”

The centipede replied, “Puttin’ on my shoes!”

The post Putting on my shoes appeared first on JokesLab Funniest Jokes.

Cheney reassured him by saying, “Jokes can’t hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I’ll show you what I mean.”

Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, “Please take me to 261 M street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.

Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, “Oh, I guess I’m not there! Take us back to where we started, please.”

The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, “You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don’t worry about their opinions!”

Bush said, “Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better.” Then he winked and whispered, “Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!”

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One night, one said to a another, “I’m so hungry. I’m going to go get something.”

“No don’t! We have to wait for the others!”

“I don’t care.” And off he went.

About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

To that the first says, “Well, I didn’t.”

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She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

“235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem.  But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.

So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.

Two days later the blond’s friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.

The blonde told her, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!”

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Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

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I love Chinese man.

“My darling,” he whispers, “I know this your first time and you very frighten. I promise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything – just anything you want. You just ask. What you want?” he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try something I have hear about from old girls Number 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, “You want Garlic Chicken with snow peas?”

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