Welcome friends to Your Morning Wood, LAF’s daily link dump.  Gotta make this one short and sweet—got some prior commitments to take care of, and not the good kind.  Funerals are always a drag.

In other news, Saints win, Favre is still old, and Cris Collinsworth is a colossal bore.

Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty Friday…

Bubba Watson has got mad golf skills. [Sportress of Blogitude]

9 Reasons Madden football is better than NFL football. [Total Pro Sports]

Prisoners riot after guards turn off women’s tennis.  Makes sense to me. [JOCKpost]

Fan fights never get old to me. [Ted Williams Head]

I too would be afraid of a 105 lb woman nicknamed the Black Widow, especially if she can scarf down 118 chicken wings in 12 minutes. [Legend of Cecilio Guante]

Dennis Rodman’s still big with the ladies. [With Leather]

Nike’s new Combat Pro College Football Uniforms are an abomination. [The Big Lead]

For University of Tennessee head football coach Derek Dooley, trying to clean up the mess left by Lane Kiffin turned out to be a monumental task.  So Dooley started from ground zero when it came to educating his players.

Now, if you’re thinking that Dooley went back to the drawing board and started preaching fundamentals to his team, followed by some X’s and O’s on the old blackboard, you are way, way off.

Nope, Dooley went even further back to teach his players something that their mamas should have taught them a long time ago.

He gave them all a very important lesson…on how to properly clean themselves.

But wait—before you go thinking that it’s awfully strange for a grown man to teach other grown men the proper art of washing yourself—there’s a method to Dooley’s hygienic madness.

Seems there has been a bit of an issue with staph infections among the players, and sensing that this was a growing problem that needed to be nipped in the bud, Dooley decided it was time for a little re-education in cleaning.

“We’ve had a few staph infections, so we did a clinic yesterday on proper shower technique and soap and using a rag,” Dooley said. ”We put some new rags in — y’all think I’m kidding, but I’m serious.”

“We had, I told them, the worst shower discipline of any team I’ve ever been around. So we talked a little bit about application of soap to the rag and making sure you hit all your body. You know, you can neglect it trying to cut corners, and it shows in how you practice and elsewhere. I’m hoping we show some improvement in that.”

That’s right Tennessee fans—your team has the worst shower discipline Derek Dooley has ever seen.  For shame!  How can you expect to compete in the vaunted SEC if you can’t even clean your asses thoroughly?

No word on whether Dooley actually stripped down and demonstrated proper scrubbing and rinsing technique to his team, but at least his little impromptu clinic was a better idea than having his players do some field research on the subject.  Because that would be uncomfortable for everyone.

[AJC]

If you’re not overly sensitive to the sound of Aaron Cook’s fibula being snapped like a twig by a Joey Votto comebacker, repeatedly, then have a gander.

If you are, then I suggest you leave the room…and go put a skirt on, pansy.

Turn this one up to 11…

[H/T to Deadspin]

Welcome friends to Your Morning Wood, LAF’s well-intentioned, but poorly executed, daily link dump.  Come for the links, stay for the potato salad.  Best on the Internet.

On a side note–anyone else as pumped as me that the NFL season starts tonight?  Vikings/Saints at 8:30 p.m. from The Superdome.  Settle down monkeys, you still got almost 11 hours until kickoff.

This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my Thursday…

Who knew that Mike Tyson and I both share the identical biggest regret in our lives…we never got to smoke weed with Tupac. [Out of Bounds]

The Lingerie Football League is coming to MTV2.  Curse my Canadian parents for making me live up here, where MTV2 doesn’t exist. [JOCKpost]

New Orleans schools are letting the little brats out early today so everyone can enjoy the pregame festivities. [Ted Williams Head]

Chick uses a taser on the infield during a NASCAR race.  God bless you rednecks…don’t you ever change. [Total Pro Sports]

Chick gets shot with a watermelon to the face.  Beats dirty balls to the chin any day. [Bob's Blitz]

Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart got busted for a shitload of drugs, as well as burglary.  See, this is why wrestlers from the 80′s have been, and always will be, the greatest. [With Leather]

Colin Cowherd wants hate mail.  Something tells me he already gets plenty of it. [The Big Lead]

Ron Artest is Speed Racer—literally.  Bonus: Weed Against Speed is quite the lyricist, could be the next Weird Al Yankovic…or something. [Sportress of Blogitude]

Chris Berman rocking a mustache still doesn’t make him any more likable. [Larry Brown Sports]

I’m not sure what these two Jets superfans are hocking, but whatever it is, I do not want.

This may be the most bizarre, loud, and slightly homoerotic infomercial I’ve ever witnessed.  At least I think it’s an infomercial…that’s what the description says anyway.

All I see is a shirtless, hulking Jets fan in a hardhat screaming obscenities, and a pasty hippie clad in a woman’s swimsuit.  I find the cheese in his beard more disturbing than his pixelated dong, visually speaking that is.

Get ready for 1:48 of Heineken fueled mayhem…

If you didn’t hate the Jets before, you will now.

/methinks the fella in the hardhat went to the Rex Ryan School of Public Speaking
//I’m sure the pasty hippie’s mustache is destined to have a successful career as a pedophile, once it gets rid of the cheese

Penguins superstar Sidney Crosby and a bunch of other Penguins players, who shall remain nameless, faceless second bananas, took some time to bond while taking batting practice at PNC Park, thanks to some string pulling by former Pirates first baseman Sean Casey.

Of course it was Crosby, who looks to me like the lovechild of Andy Samberg and Jason Biggs, that has to go and steal the show by jacking a homer to deep right field, some 370 feet away.  Sure it took him 15 or so pitches, but still impressive nonetheless.

The secret to Crosby’s power stroke?  Bat speed through the zone baby…bat speed through the zone.

Says Crosby…

“I’ve never done that before,” smiled Crosby just seconds after hitting his blast. “I had a little bit of an edge because of I am a lefty. To be able to come out here was awesome and to be able to put one out was great.”

Video of Sid the Kid going yard after the jump…

Sadly, this was probably the highlight of the year for Pirates fans…and none were there to witness it.

[Penguins.com]

Titans RB Chris Johnson and country music singer Faith Hill recently got together to share some vittles and a little informal chit chat, thanks to the NFL Network.

What starts out as some folksy Q & A between two Music City icons turns awkward and uncomfortable faster than CJ outrunning a linebacker.

Video after the jump…

So, that was, um, something.  Those two go together like cocaine and waffles, which is my cutesy way of saying that they don’t go together very well at all.

Let’s go over what we learned here…

• Deion Sanders’ lame joke about Hill and Johnson both being from the hood is nearly as crappy as that awful ensemble he’s wearing.  I mean, who chose that outfit for Sanders, Stevie Wonder?
• Faith Hill thinks Chris Johnson is fast and exciting.  Johnson is aware that Faith Hill is famous for being a country music singer.
• CJ gave Faith an autographed jersey, while she gave him nothing.  Someone’s getting fired for dropping the ball on that one.
• Swett’s restaurant must be the most famous cafeteria in all of Tennessee.
• Faith Hill is lovely.
• Johnson likes to scarf down Wendy’s 10 piece chicken nugget meal on gamedays.  Hill likes to answer questions she asks other people, thinking that they actually care.
• Faith Hill really, really digs CJ’s mouth full of gold teeth, jokes she should get some.  Seriously, this was actually part of the conversation…I wish I was making this up.

[H/T to SB Nation]

Cue sad trombone.

It’s been a long time coming, but it looks like Saints RB Reggie Bush is about to lose a little weight—in the form of his Heisman Trophy.

According to multiple sources, The Heisman Trophy Trust, after conducting it’s own three month investigation into Bush’s wrongdoings while at USC, is going to revoke the Heisman Bush won in 2005.  It will mark the first time in 75 years that a player will have been stripped of the Heisman Trophy.

Bush will officially be relieved of his trophy at the end of this month.

Somewhere Vince Young is dancing with joy…shirtless, sweaty and surrounded by young men.

/well, VY does have a history
//not that there’s anything wrong with that

[Yahoo, Bush Image]

Why?

Because the network went and did something so puzzling and reprehensible that it is beyond belief.

They hired Joe Theismann.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Theismann, that great big bag of wind, will join Bob Papa and Matt Millen in the broadcast booth for NFL Network’s eight-game Thursday Night Football package, starting November 11.

As per the network…

“Joe is one of the premier analysts in the business,” said Eric Weinberger, executive producer NFL Network. “With Joe joining Matt, we have two former Super Bowl-winning players who had long and distinguished playing careers before making successful transitions into broadcasting. Joe will add his strong opinions and analysis to a booth that already features two men who live and breathe NFL football. We are sure there will be great debates and entertaining analysis on our games this season.”

Premier analysts?  Entertaining analysis?  Did Eric Weiberger have a stroke or something?  Theismann is nothing more than a tedious bore who adds nothing to game analysis, but enjoys the hell out of talking about himself.  Everyone who subscribes to the NFL Network better make sure their mute buttons are in proper working order.

Hearing this news makes me wish Lawrence Taylor would have broken Theismann’s mouth instead of his leg.

[NFL.com]

Stuck in a 3 for 32 slump, Aubrey Huff, that fine utility player for the Giants (and a stalwart on my fantasy team), is trying a most unconventional way of reversing his fortune at the dish.

Seems he’s taken to wearing a red thong while playing.

Now, I don’t mean a thong as in the repulsive banana hammock you find overweight European men sporting at the beach, or the type that David Hasselhoff used to model on posters back in the 80′s.

No, Huff is wearing the lacy, frilly undergarments normally reserved for a woman, or a transvestite hooker.  My question is, how are his boys getting the support they so desperately need?

While the change in underwear hasn’t helped at the plate, the Giants are 3-1 when Huff is sashaying around the field in his red anal floss.

Andrew Baggarly, writer for the Giants blog Extra Baggs, makes a pointed observation regarding Huff’s thong…

Speaking personally, the last thing we need is for Huff to go 4-for-4 with the thong. Then he’ll wear it the rest of the season. Ordinarily that wouldn’t be a problem, but he walks around the clubhouse in it. He conducts interviews wearing only his thong. I’m not sure about this, but I think he wears little else while in the food room, too.

As awful as that sounds, and really, that is pretty disgusting, it could always be worse…Huff could start wearing his thong backwards.

[Extra Baggs via Larry Brown Sports]