Leno’s been on a downward spiral ever since his lackluster return last week. Even with the Olympic halo and controversy following him, the Tonight Show’s ratings were down 25% compared to Conan’s debut. And last night, Letterman beat Leno in both the 18-49 and 25-54 demographics. Leno did manage to hold the lead in overall viewers but just barely.

How?

According to MediaVest USA, “Leno’s audience is mostly made up of the older, 50-plus set, driven by women.” The median age of Leno’s audience is 55, a year older than Letterman’s and 10 years older than Conan’s.

Unfortunately, old people don’t buy things. Making them as insignificant as Leno’s (temporary) lead.

Most men want the largest condoms available (whether they need them or not) but “Hotshot” condoms actually advertise how small they are. That’s because they’re designed to fit boys not men. The extra small condoms are 1.7 inches in diameter instead of the standard 2 inches.

Swiss manufacturer Lamprecht AG, created the condoms in response to a study by the Federal Commission for Children and Youth that shows a rise in underage sex since the 1990s. “The results of this study suggest that early prevention makes sense,” said research head Nancy Bodmer.

Hotshots are currently only available in Switzerland but they hope to cover the UK soon.

“The Great Sperm Race” (link) is a new flash game in which players assume the role of a sperm and must navigate their way through the acid filled hellhole known as the “Vagina” while steering clear of Leukocytes, white blood cells, which eat sperm. Fortunately, unbeknownst to your 8th grade Health Teacher, the Cervix is filled with power pellets that make you invulnerable to these cock gobblers.

The game is part of National Geographic’s initiative to turn every man gay! But just in case that doesn’t work, they’re super-sizing it with a special titled “Sizing up Sperm” which uses real people to represent 250 million sperm on their marathon quest to be first to reach a single egg. Watch as these poor (wannabe) bastards embark on a journey that makes the Bataan Death March look like a walk in the park. Sizing up Sperm premieres Sunday March 14th @ 9PM (preview below).

Up close white blood cells look like Leatherface!

Kristen Dunst got all dolled up last summer to sing a cover of “Turning Japanese” by The Vapors. The film titled “Akihabara Majokko Princess” was part of the “Pop Life: Art in a Material World” exhibit at London’s Tate Modern museum. Co-creator Takashi Murakami explains “I believe that real art is centered in entertainment and I wanted to show that with this piece.”

I may not know much about art but I know what’s NOT entertaining. There’s no direction just random shots of Akihabara that come off as a tourist video, not entertainment and certainly not art. On the other hand, if fappability equates to art then Kirsten Dunst is the Mona Lisa.

“It’s not just a shoehorn. It’s a shoehorn on a stick,” yells pitchman Gilbert Gottfried in the infomercial to end all infomercials.

Although if you can’t bend over to use a shoehorn, which is superfluous enough by itself, how’d you put on your socks? The SockDini?

But never mind the impracticality of it. Call right now and you’ll get a 2nd shoehorn on a stick for free! (in case your lazy unbendable butt drops the first one)

Want to sleep with an anime character?

Isshoni Sleeping: Sleeping with Hinako is the latest in a self-help series that features ample fan service to entice you to do what should come natural.

It’s like Ambien for otaku.

It starts off with Hinako acting like a little kid. She bashfully pulls her blanket over her head and occasionally peeks out at you. But as she falls asleep, her blanket inexplicably shrinks as does her nightgown. Hinako tosses and turns into a series of panty and cleavage shots but it’s pretty tame stuff and extremely repetitive so rest assured that Hinako will put you to sleep.

Sleeping with Hinako also doubles as an alarm clock. There are six presets, ranging from 6-8 hours but you can customize the chapter playback to fit your schedule.

Hopefully the next Hinako OVA will tackle the otaku’s greatest weakness – personal hygiene! Isshoni Hygiene: Hygiene with Hinako will teach important life lessons such as bathing and how to dress yourself (with one hand).

The Horizontal Bar has been a part of the Olympics for over 100 years so why not the Vertical Bar?

KT Coates, Director of Vertical Dance, is petitioning the International Olympic Committee to add pole dancing to the 2012 Olympics. “Here at Vertical Dance we have been pole dancing for a very long time, we feel that its about time that pole dancing was respected for what it actually is, a physically demanding form of gymnastics, dance and fitness. We feel that the world of sport is ready to embrace the Vertical Bar and take it to the next level,” wrote Coates.

Like curling, it would start off as demonstration sport. But unlike curling, Coates says pole dancing “has the wow factor.”

You can sign the petition @ http://www.verticaldance.com/poledancingintheolympics.htm Just remember that on the off-chance that they get in, the Olympics would be obligated to have male pole dancers as well. Figure skating is starting to look a lot more manly.

For those unfamiliar with the “sport” here’s some samples:

The future of $400 billion in federal funding could be determined by fortune cookies. Tsue Chong Co. is inserting messages like “Put down your chopsticks and get involved in Census 2010″ & “Real Fortune is being heard” into 2 million cookies shipping to Washington, Oregon, Idaho, and Montana. The census cookies are part of a $340 million ad campaign to encourage people to fill out the form themselves instead of paying census workers upwards of $20 per hour (of your tax dollars) to come to them.

The census has already ballooned to $14.7 billion, nearly quadruple the cost of the previous census. An audit of the Census Bureau uncovered millions of dollars in waste from fraudulent travel reimbursement to paid training for employees that quit before working a single day.

Instead of worrying about whether Barack “Hussein” Obama was a secret Muslim, maybe we should have been worrying whether he was a secret blasian (black Asian).

President Obama’s kowtowing goes way beyond blatantly bowing down to the Prime Minister of Japan. Japan & China are already the two largest creditors of U.S. debt but now we’re just throwing money at them.

More than half of the $3 billion that we borrowed from them to finance the Car Allowance Rebate System (Cash for Clunkers) was used to buy their cars! But according to J.D. Power, normally 63% of the cars bought in America are made in America. In other words, Cash for Clunkers was actually a disincentive to buy American.

The Recovery Act didn’t fare any better.  There was a net job loss in the manufacturing for renewable energy last year, despite $2 billion in grants. It didn’t help that 80% of the money went to foreign companies, including $91 million to Eurus Energy America, a subsidiary of a Japanese-owned firm, and $178 million to Babcock & Brown, which used wind turbines manufactured in Japan.

This year China plans to join in the windfall by building a $1.5 billion wind farm in Texas. A-Power will receive $450 million in grants and create approximately 2,000 manufacturing jobs in China! Locally it will create only 300 temporary jobs and just 30 permanent jobs, which works out to about $1.4 million per job.

Nevertheless, Matt Rogers, senior adviser for the Recovery Act, defends building the turbines overseas, “those historically haven’t had buy American provisions and they don’t under the Recovery act either.”

Apparently Obama’s idea of energy independence is wind turbines with made in China labels.

Plenty of products say they’re spill-resistant but the Underfull tablecloth actually encourages spills.

When wet the tablecloth reveals a hidden pattern, turning an embarrassing situation into conversation starter. “This creates stories and can contribute in giving the tablecloth sentimental value – important in a society where we seem to have an  increasingly superficial relation to the objects we surround ourselves with,” says Norwegian designer Kristine Bjadaal (kristinebjaadal.wordpress.com). Of course not every spill will have a memorable story to with it. Fortunately, the Underfull is washable so you won’t have to explain to your dinner guests how the brown butterflies are from the time the baby threw up.

Contact kristine@kristinebjaadal.no for more information.