So, since I’m also making an attempt to write more often, I’m going to launch a little weekly experiment called, “On My Nightstand.” Really this is a very thinly veiled attempt at having accountability in finishing more books and actually remembering what the stories or themes were in each book… I’ll keep you posted! But in the meantime, tell me what you are reading!

Oh and before I forget, these are the books on my nightstand tonight.

Linchpin-Seth Godin ( So far it’s making me want to write letters to all the fabulous teachers in my kids’ lives)

East of The Sun-Julia Gregson

Born To Run-Christopher McDougall

Poem Crazy-Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge ( I love this book!)

Good Poems-Garrison Keillor (I need at least one great poem a week!)

Incendiary-Chris Cleave (Finished it 2 weeks ago. Really was sad, but very thought provoking at times as well.)

In India with Ammachi and Appachan in '05

I’m having one of those days where it’s hard for me to focus. I’ve had so much going on in the past week that I’ve hardly had any time to just sit and think. So, sometimes, like today, I sit and think and sometimes that thinking takes me places in the past.

A week ago today I was in Nashville and I got a call saying that “appachan” passed away. I was in the middle of a conference, so I couldn’t really wrap my brain around it…I waited till I was in my room that night to think about him and to let the tears fall on my pillow.

Appachan is the only grandfather I’ve known in my life. My biological grandfathers were both gone by the time I arrived on the earth. Appachan became my grandfather when  I got married in ‘93.  He was so sweet and so kind and always, always so loving to me.  He really was what I imagined a grandfather to be. He had a smile that would light up the room and his bellowing, “God Bless You! and How are you?” would make us all smile… partly because those were 2 of the only statements he knew in english and partly because he thought it was funny to see our reaction to his speaking in English.

He would call me Krissy Poo and he would hold my hand a little longer than he had to…because he wanted to. He wasn’t the typical Indian Appachan who didn’t show emotion. No, as a matter of fact, you knew and everyone around him knew that he loved his children, his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren. He loved us and prayed over us…We loved him and we all wanted to see him smile. 

I’m sad that my children won’t get to see him now and they might not remember him, or his sweet smile, but they will know that he was an integral part of my life, but more importantly that he was part of the foundation of their heritage of faith.

I started playing volleyball when I was about 10 years old…My big brother, Titus, would take me to the sand pits with him and I would get to chase after the balls that he would pummel into the ground. Sometimes, if I was very lucky, I’d get to try and dig his hammer-hits.

Tonight was our last game, and funny enough, we were a four-person team, playing in a six-person league, and we were undefeated all season and were the league champions.

I have to admit that we really didn’t have a ton of competition…we might have played 2 matches that demanded some effort. I’m a competitor by nature and by heart. It does me good to play and run and act silly.(I think my parents still wonder when I’ll start acting like a mature, Malayalee, mother of 2 kids.)

My body definitely feels older, but I feel like I’m probably a better athlete than I was 10 years ago…I’m still short, but it doesn’t stop me from going up to block  OR  hit…and I’m pretty confident that I can dig most hits(what with all that practice in the sand pits and all?!).

I loved that my friends would  show up and sit in the stands to support me. Even more than that, I loved when my kids were there to cheer for me,  give me a thumbs up sign or even say a, “go momma” on  my serves. My kids know that I’m an intensely competitive person, but it’s such a clear reversal of roles for us in this sport,  with them being the cheerleaders and me being the competitor. I’m always so proud of my kids, but what I’ve been able to see is their pride in me…tonight I realized, that their pride is definitely something worth competing for!

This month represents that wonderful hallmark holiday…something to give us a break from the mundane days of winter…the blues, the blahs, the cold weather…I’ve actually never been a big fan, but I’m often catching myself  trying to figure out this thing called love and i know and possibly you know too that “God is Love” so i struggle with letting that idea take over and permeate my life and it’s especially difficult when i actually sit and dissect verses from the LOVE chapter of the “good book.”

So, here’s what i did…I experimented a bit philosophically and extracted out all the words that say Love and replaced them with God…

“God is patient. God is kind. God does not want what belongs to others. God does not brag. God is not proud. God is not rude. God does not look out for His own interests. God does not easily become angry. God does not keep track of people’s wrongs. God is not happy with evil, but is full of joy when the truth is spoken.  God always protects. God always trusts. God always hopes. God never gives up. God NEVER fails.”

Ok, granted I have an affinity for philosophy, so of course i have to dig a bit deeper with that thought process and the digging ends up with me asking some questions:

“Kris, are you patient? Are you kind? Do you want what belongs to others? Do you brag? Are you proud? Are you rude? Are you looking out for your own interests? Are you easily angered? Do you keep track of other people’s wrongs? Are you happy with evil or are you full of joy when the truth is spoken? Do you always protect? Do you always trust? Do you always hope? Do you give up? Do you fail?”

i’m in a predicament…my philosphical search takes me to the mirror that has been spotlessly windexed by the Love Himself and i can see clearly that i am not patient. i am sooo not kind. I do sometimes want what belongs to others…um, i AM rude and i do look out for my own interests and man i get angry easily especially when sitting in traffic and… it bugs me so much that my kids forgot to take lunch money again and again…seriously this is like the 5th time this school year (wait, that’s me keeping track of wrongs isn’t it?) trusting and protecting are tall orders…hope? sometimes i do that…give up? often i do that…fail? well, let’s just leave that blank for now.

so when it’s all said and done i realize that i can’t do it…i fall so short… and when i look down at myself i see that i’ve fallen because i’m so tangled up in miles and miles of pretty pink and red ribbons that i’ve used to make myself more presentable to Him when he never asked that of me. The hardest part is letting go and knowing that all i need is basic understanding not the comprehension of Socrates. It is so difficult for me to comprehend, much less something i can let overtake my life…my tangled mess of pretty trinkets and bows and chocolate covered whatevers all caught in the most amazing hands of GRACE. Simple as that…Grace.

It’s  been especially hard because 2 friends and co-workers from  Colorado Springs are out there and we are all waiting on pins and needles to hear news of them.

Towards the end of last week, God kept putting this scripture on my heart…I even dialogued with friends about it… Genesis 16:3 She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen ^[c] the One who sees me.” Today, this scripture kept flashing in my mind’s eye…God sees, God knows. God sees…God sees…God sees!!!! Tonight in Haiti, there is destruction, there is rubble, there is chaos, but in the midst of all of that GOD SEES! We don’t know where our missing friends are, but God sees them. My prayer is that in and through all of this we would see the One who sees our friends, our co-workers, our children, and all the other people who are there right now.

I love the start of the new year! Don’t you? It feels like the possibilities are endless and opportunities are plenty. I also love leaving my footprints in fresh snow for the first time and the first bite out of a piece of fruit, the first strains of a beautiful song, the first glimmer of something beautiful, the first moment a new idea emerges in my head. I love all the firsts in life…maybe because it gives me that sense of accomplishment or the sense that I’ve been somewhere on my own that others have yet to experience. Maybe we all share that fascination and love for newness.

I don’t know, maybe it’s not so much the newness of everything as it is my perspective being different. The light seems different on the focal point and the dreary and drab takes on a different sense of appeal and attractiveness.

I’m really not sure what it is, but Twenty-Ten looks and feels clean and nice to me. I know we are only 3 days into this new year, but I’m excited to see if in fact, the year will be fair and kind as well?

to be stagnant.

to turn away from those who need me.

to be so busy getting to the goal that I miss out on the view.

to be so grown up that I stop being silly.

to forget  how to play ball.

to be unforgiving.

to be misunderstood.

to hold grudges.

to be selfish.

to be jealous.

to be afraid of success.

to stop trying.

to be afraid to fail.

to stop moving.

to ever stop laughing.

to forget to smile.

to ever forget to enjoy beauty.

to forget the simple pleasure of food.

to ever look past the beauty in a baby’s eyes.

to not lend a helping hand.

to forget to share.

to stop appreciating the wonderful people around me.

to ever stop living as I go through life.

Life is too short to miss out on all the little things. I’m ready to live and enjoy it to the fullest. What’s the new year hold for you?

I guess I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now. I live by a semi-written/unwritten statement of purpose. I really think it’s time to  sit down and write out MY mission statement. Mine as it pertains to who I am currently, what I want in life and how I want to go about achieving the things I want. It’s a fascinating topic to me and I could actually sit and go into lengthy conversations with people about it!I love the idea that we propel ourselves to the things we want and find most appealing. So fas-cin-a-ting!!!

Well, I’ll keep you posted as to what I come up with.

1. Knee High SmartWool Socks
2. Warm, soft blanket.
3. Coffee pot with the delayed brew option
4. The smell of hot coffee wafting up the stairs.
5. Soup simmering on the stove.
6. Great music in the background including ( Sarah McLachlan, Andrea Bocelli, Rachael Yamagata, Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Norah Jones)
7. Waiting to pick up the kids from school so they don’t have to walk.
8. Watching the dog sleep peacefully without a care in the world.
9. The smell of dryer sheets in the dryer.
10. Origins Ginger scrub and lotion

Okay, that’s just a few of my blissful moments from today! Hope you have some you can share!

This is Bobbi Mills, Gramma Mills to me. I  knew her from the time I was 6 years old. She and Grampa Mills would let me come over and spend warm summer days and evenings with them. They’d give me a tall glass of something to drink and I’d sit next to Gramma Mills with my skinny legs dangling over the edge of the porch swing and she would tell me stories of the olden days while Grampa Mills worked on the house or garden or  yard. They never told me to stop asking questions. They always made me feel welcome and I always knew I had a safe place in their home. I learned so much from them. She was the first  person I knew that said Missoura…not Missouri!

I learned from sitting with them that everyone has a story to tell, but we just have to be willing to sit down and ask some questions and be prepared to listen.

I learned that a child will believe in him/herself if an adult takes time to share stories and life with them.

I learned that spending lots of hours picking plums results in lots of bottles of jelly.

I learned that Old people were young once too and more beautiful than any movie actors or actresses!

I learned that color is blurred when covered by love. This kind, strong woman showed me love consistently through her belief in me. Sometimes I feel the little things she did were the very things that built me up the most.

At her memorial service I was given the honor of reading the scripture on Love…exactly all the things she showed to me.

I miss her today…I miss her at the holidays because we always knew she’d come knocking to get her share of hugs and kisses and to bring us kids something sweet that only she would make.

Today… I hope you won’t take for granted the people who have left the biggest imprints in your life. If they are gone already…take a moment to remember them. If they are alive, write a note to them of a fond memory. If nothing else, journal a few words about them so you can see the impact of someone’s life in yours.