Today Michaela turned 8. She has always wanted me to do a special slide show about her. This is it…
[See post to watch Flash video]

A quick update….Mom initially went to the hospital on May 19th. She had lost use of her left side and we had thought it was a stroke. The doctors diagnosed her with Lactic Acidosis and pumped her full of fluids. When she had been there 7 days they told her she could no longer stay (thank you Medicare… grrrr!) so she was released to a rehab facility to recover. Nevermind that she wasn’t anywhere near better and the ineptitude of the staff at said hospital had made it so mom developed a serious bed sore (more on that later). 8 Days after her admission to rehab I found her slumped over and shaking and just totally wigged out. I can’t think of a better word other than to say she was messed up bad. We were told we were overreacting by rehab staff but insisted that her blood be taken and results sent to her doctor. Her doctor called and urged us to take her to the ER ASAP. So, off to the ER but this time at a different hospital where she was admitted for another week. The doctors took her off all the meds that the previous hospital had given her aghast as to WHY they would put her on drugs that would kill her. Yeah…NICE. And to top it off, her bed sore was gigantic AND the fluids she was given in the 1st hospital had made her balloon to an unspeakable size. Another week in the hospital and she was released. This time she came home. She started to make progress and within a week had lost almost 100 pounds of water weight. Yes, that is ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! She was progressing well but then after yet another week, she started to act strangely again, bumping into things and couldn’t for the life of her use a fork when she ate. Not good. My sister and I insisted on another ER visit.. Back to the hospital….and learned that mom had suffered from not one but at least TWO strokes. Things did not look good. That’s where I left things in my last post.

I would leave the hospital in tears. Mom wasn’t mom anymore and we were helpless unsure what to do. Again her week in the hospital was coming to an end before medicare would kick her out and we had to figure out where to take her. We traveled all over the valley looking for a facility that was not only covered by medicare but specialized with stroke victims. Guess what? THERE ISN”T ONE! Every single one was old…cared for crazy people (literally) and in one, it was over-run with animals. They called them therapy animals but let’s get real. It was a zoo. As cool as Theodore the therapy kangaroo sounded, it was not a good fit for Mom. So we brought her home. And since then we have had her here. My sister and I tag team her care and I am proud to say that after diligently changing her dressings each day, her bed sore is FINALLY getting smaller and maybe by Christmas she won’t have it anymore. I’m serious. Those things are nasty. It’s bad enough that she had to endure what she did but to be left with this terrible wound is awful.

The good news….Mom is doing FANTASTIC. All things considered when she left the hospital she couldn’t even form a sentence. She could only say one or two words and she couldn’t see. Mom is back. She is strong and she is recovering. I am so grateful. It’s been hard. I won’t lie. I have moved my office to the family room that mom calls home. She still can’t climb lots of stairs yet so her bedroom is off limits.

Last week was Mom & Dad’s 50th anniversary party that we had been planning for a year. Mom had been facing it with a lot of doubt and fear. She didn’t want so many people to see her this way but she bravely attended her party and it was probably the best thing that she could have done. She had SO much fun! The 150 or so friends and family that attended were so gracious and kind and she just had a ball. Her outlook and demeanor is so much better now!

Last week my sister also started a new job. That means that during the day I am here alone with Mom. This will provide new challenges when school starts for Michaela in a few weeks because we will have to totally readjust our schedules and Mom will again be faced with having to spend some time alone while I tend to Michaela’s needs. I will say that this isn’t the life I had planned – really who ever gets what they want? 2.5 years ago I said goodbye to a life abruptly when Mike died. I lost my husband, lost my home and had to sell nearly everything I owned. I have learned to just roll with the punches. Life throws things at you. What can you do? I mean, I still freak out and stuff but I have found that it’s easier now to just take a step back and let the chips fall where they may. What else could I do?

So what does all this have to do with the banner above about a Happy Birthday-versary? Well, I have made a decision to celebrate things differently this year. December 2nd represents two significant events in my life. First, it’s the day I was born. 2nd, in 2003, Mike and I chose that day to go to the temple and be married again. We decided that this particular anniversary would remain something sacred. We would acknowledge it in a reverent way each year. Mike didn’t want to take away from my birthday celebrations each year and most of all, this ceremony was more intimate and personal. It was about our family and our belief in being together FOREVER.

In hindsight, this was the most special of birthday gifts. I knew it was special then but now that he’s gone and how easy it would be for me to fall into a faithless depression, it holds more significant meaning. When your spouse is taken from you so suddenly, it feels like abandonment. You really start to question what you believe. And the conclusion that I have come to is that it has to be true. It has to be because it is what will help me in keeping on. I don’t know how long I will be here…but I AM HERE. I have a life to keep living. I have a daughter to raise. And I have to believe that one day when it’s my time to leave this world, I will do so holding the outstretched hand of my husband who went before me. December 2nd is an important day.

An opportunity has presented itself for me to go to California on December 4th to participate in a Habitat for Humanity project along side some actors from General Hospital. Yes, it is a little self-indulgent for me to schmooze with actors but on the flip side, it’s a legitimate charity and it’s for a young family in genuine need. So, that’s what I am going to do for myself on my birthday this year and it will be how I recognize the commitment Mike and I made to each other 7 years ago.

So, Happy Birthday-versary to me!

I don’t do that of course. What’s the point? I KNOW that no one brings on these things. They happen. They happen because the body is designed to do it. It fights off what it can and succumbs to what it can’t. They also happen because our lives, however they end up are consequences for the choices we make. It seems to be human nature for people to blame others for their misfortune. On so many levels this is wrong and makes me mad. It goes with the saying, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Could Mom had taken better care of herself? Of course. Hindsight, ya know? I reflect on my own life and as difficult as the past 2.5 years has been, I wouldn’t change the decisions I have made because I know that I wouldn’t have what’s most important if I didn’t make the decisions I had made. What if I hadn’t pursued Mike when we met online? Well, I may have not moved to Tennessee. I wouldn’t have married him. I wouldn’t have my daughter. Would my life be better without those things? NO! I am sad he’s not here but I am more HAPPY to have known him, had him in my life, even if it was for a short time. As much as it’s easy for us to second guess, we shouldn’t.

As a bystander watching this happen to Mom is frustrating. It’s maddening and to be honest, for me it’s deja vu. I understand how people could think that dying quickly is merciful. Yes. I do believe it is. Usually the person doing the dying doesn’t know what hit them and those who have to endure the aftermath don’t have to go through the process of watching the suffering. The suffering is terrible. Some could argue that Mike’s death was a quick one and to those who weren’t around him on a daily basis, I would say that yes, it probably was. But the reality is that I had been watching him slip away for quite a long time. I was seeing his choices pull him further away from his family. His choices, in the end kept him from making the ultimate choice and that was the choice to seek help, accept help and admit responsibility and the consequences for his past choices. In many ways he had reached the point of no return – the point where hope is overcome by fear. Mom is quickly approaching this point, too.

Let’s get real. What has happened to her is scary. To all of a sudden have virtually no eyesight, to be told that a fall could kill her and to not remember yesterday is frightening. She has strangers coming in and telling her what to do, when to do it and how. It is oft times painful. It is frustrating. It is frightening. She is, I am sure thinking that none of this is worth it. Perhaps it’s time I just give up. I am heartbroken to think that this could be so. I remember so vividly Mike telling me that he didn’t want to even try – that he couldn’t do it. In the end he said he would but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it. I see the desperation in my Dad’s eyes as he looks for any glimmer of resolve from Mom. I used to have that look in my eye too. It hurts.

This may sound like a foreshadowing of what is to come. It’s not meant to be. I am not predicting an end to the road. This will certainly be a long and bumpy journey. Mom’s still here. She is resistant to facing the difficulties ahead but she must. And just as I didn’t give up on Mike, I won’t give up on her.

Yesterday I spent several hours compiling music for the big 50th Wedding Anniversary party that we’re having for my parents in August. I was working with literally over 1500 songs and trying to find certain ones that would do well for the dance soundtrack as Mom has told me that she wants to see people out there on the dance floor getting jiggy with it. I’d think of a song and then go see if I could buy it and it wasn’t long that I was just chipping away at the ol’ bank account. Every once in a while I would think of a really cool song and I’d be like DOH! Mike would so have this song! But I’m a moron and melted our harddrive. This is so depressing! This went on for hours… Then I started to wonder if he actually WOULD have the songs I was looking for and instinctively reached over and grabbed his silver iPod that sits on my alarm clock. When he died, I vowed to NEVER take what was on the iPod off. I was going to leave it exactly as he left it. I began to peruse the files that were on there and discovered that he had over 5000 songs on this iPod. Crap. I just found the Holy Grail. It’s all right here! But how am I going to retrieve it all??

Google is my friend. I Googled instructions on how to pull music OFF of an iPod. As many are aware you hook an iPod up to a computer and iTunes launches and starts to synch. I didn’t want that to happen and was very paranoid about erasing Mike’s iPod as he had spent hours compiling his music library on it. I found a freeware program that will pull the music off and organize it according to the settings you give it. Not leaving anything to chance, I set up a new account on my computer and made sure to turn off the auto-synch in iTunes. For the first time in 2.5 years, Mike’s iPod was attached to a computer and I started up the program. About an hour later I had restored his library on a new external drive. I may have lost some photos but as for the music? I’m back in business….

I have a feeling that maybe someone was watching a little movie called the Life of Kris and yelling at me to find this. What do YOU think?

Yesterday I learned that the hard drive issue that I mentioned in my blog a couple weeks ago was not going to be resolved in a positive way. The company that I sent the drives to could not recover a single file. The good news is that I won’t have to pay $2400. The bad news is that I lost pretty much all of my photos from the past 15 years. I do have access to a small fraction of them because I had pulled some of them for a project two here and there. But the majority are lost forever – wedding pix, birth photos, birthdays, vacations…Michaela’s whole life has been documented with digital photos. The thought of this loss makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like in some ways I mourn even deeper now because now it’s all just memories. In many ways I feel like I have let Mike down by letting this happen – especially with his music collection. He spent so much time digitizing all of it. I no longer own the CDs. His whole music collection is GONE. Devastating doesn’t even remotely describe how it feels.

So, as Michaela would say “Isn’t there any GOOD news to talk about?” Yeah…there is. The ray of sunshine in all this doom and gloom is her. Michaela just graduated from the 2nd grade. She had a very good year! It ended on such a high for her and I am so happy that she got to experience what she did. When Mike died I felt an even bigger responsibility. I am not sure why it should be even more important than before but it’s just how I feel. I had made a promise to myself when this happened that I would do what I could to give Michaela experiences. I am happy to say that in the past 2 years she has been able to go to many places, see many things and meet different people. I am not sure if that resonates with her but I suppose later on it will. One of her most recent experiences was our trip to Washington DC.

This is a place that for many 7 year olds may not be all that exciting. But it did leave an impact. She was able to tour the White House, see George Washington’s farm, see all of the monuments and museums and visit the capitol and one of our Congressmen. In doing so, the Congressman offered to come visit her school. Of course when these things happen, the likelihood of follow through is small. But it couldn’t have worked out better. We returned from our trip hopeful that Congressman Matheson would actually be able to visit the school. I told the school of the possibility and within a day the congressman’s office was calling the school to set up the meeting. A couple weeks ago I gave a presentation to Michaela’s class about American Ingenuity. I told them that many great things were developed in America – from the chocolate chip cookie, to flying the first airplane, to the creation of Disneyland to the very foundation of our government. It was an interesting segue but it worked. The kids were intrigued and it offered a good preview into the Congressman’s visit. To top it off, Michaela was asked to introduce Congressman Matheson at the lower school assembly on June 1st. She did fantastic! And I am really proud of her. It isn’t easy getting up and talking in front of people but she did it in front of all of the K-5th grade students. I am guessing that was about 400+ people. She did it mostly memorized too. I knew she could do it but I think even the school administrators and the Congressman, himself was impressed. I don’t think words can adequately express the depth of pride I felt in watching her do this. It was AWESOME.

The rest of the assembly went great. I was happy that the Congressman didn’t turn it into this boring thing for the kids. He briefly introduced himself and explained what he did and then let the rest of the assembly be a time for the kids to ask him questions. The questions were hilarious. They ran the gamut of what is his favorite place to visit in Washington DC, to what he thought of Obama’s healthcare bill, to how much the president weighs (he doesn’t know), to whether or not he likes cheese. He got participation from all of the kids – even the little ones and it was a wonderful experience. All I can say is he ain’t bad for a democrat. LOL.

Check out the introduction here:

Click to view video.

So, yeah….there IS good news to report. The other good news, in case you were curious is that despite the stress of the past few weeks, the lack of exercise and eating crap, I haven’t gained anything…the loss is minimal but at least I still fit into my new jeans. Yay!

I am sitting here scarfing an apple crumb muffin from Costco. Yes one of those huge ones. I just finished off a cheese quesadilla. I feel a surge of guilt swelling in the pit of my stomach and I. DON’T. CARE. I don’t care because I just came from touring a rehab facility that will become my mother’s home for the next couple of weeks. It was old. It smelled funny. The old people in it could barely move. Their emotionless faces stared back at me as I stood there thinking that I could not let my mother live there.  Yet she must if she is to get better. Sure there are more “resort like” places we could send her to but then she’ll be ignored there as what the reviews and ratings are saying. This place that she will go to comes highly rated despite appearances. And it is quickly becoming a bitter pill to swallow.

Last week Mom lost function of the left side of her body. Unable to get herself to the bathroom, let alone move, there was no other choice than to call 911 to help get her to the hospital. For the past week she has battled Lactic Acidosis, a urinary tract infection, a kidney infection and some other unnamed infection that she picked up from the hospital. Massive doses of antibiotics, several blood transfusions and scores of pills later, internally her numbers are under control and she is getting back to health. Yet her left side remains weak – crippled by arthritis and gout. Her pain is substantial. She cries out whenever anyone tries to move her. She wants to come home. I want her to come home. We all do. But she can’t. Not like this.

The prognosis is that the vertebrae in her cervical spine has deteriorated to the point that it’s compromised her spinal cord. Left untreated she could face a future of paralysis. Surgery scares her. It scares me. But it’s the only way she can find relief. But she can’t have it until she’s stronger. And she can’t get stronger until she has it. What is she to do? In addition to these decisions that she faces, she is feeling a sense of rejection. Her only source of healthcare is Medicare. Medicare has strict rules and according to hospital administrators she has overstayed her welcome. She must leave, they tell her. She can’t stay there. Yesterday she was moved from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor – a not so subtle way of saying, if you don’t get out, we’ll neglect you until you leave. The difference in attention she has received in the past 16 hours is palpable. So we are working hard to get her out as soon as possible.

The next stop isn’t much better. We anticipate her spirits lowering further when she gets an eyeful of these new digs. We’ll do all we can to make sure she keeps motivated to get out. She must. We want her there even less than she’ll want to be there. I guess that I may as well get used to the place myself. I plan on spending lots of time there – I may even move in. Just so she knows that she’s not in this alone.

In the meantime, the diet is shot to hell. I’ve gained 2 lbs this week. This bloody muffin is tastin’ pretty good….

So, what do I do? I have been taking solace in my work outs believe it or not. It’s become a sanctuary of sorts for me to zone out. When I go, I use the stationary bikes that sit in front of a big window. The window faces east towards the mountain. The gym is literally located a couple blocks west of the cemetery that Mike rests in. So as I peddle away, I am staring up at that mountain he lays at the foot of. Directly outside the window is a stop sign. It’s become a symbol of those seeds of doubt. Sometimes it’s pretty hard to get motivated to go each morning or if I get started on the bike, that 45 minutes I am on it seem SO long. That stop sign just glares back at me. But behind it stands that mountain that towers over Mike’s grave. It’s these weird thoughts that I battle on a daily basis! It’s frustrating and exhausting!

Amidst all of this, I listen to my iPod. It’s no secret that I have been on this Danny Gokey kick for a while (gee, wonder why?). But get past that for a moment and understand that as I listen to the songs on his album, I understand completely WHY the songs are on there and why he calls this first album of his an anthem for his life right now. It’s become mine as well.

So, as I stare down that stop sign each morning, this is the song I listen to. Whatever it takes to keep pushing forward, ya know?

I Still Believe

I’ve been looking for a light
At the end of this tunnel
I’ve been searching for a sign
To lead me home

Too many endless nights
Of sorrow
But on the other side of this
I know that my heart will live

I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe

I don’t really know what tomorrow will bring
But I’m open to all possibilities
‘Cause I still believe

And the more I live my life
The lesser I question
All the things I just can’t see
Right in front of my eyes
So I take that leap of faith
And learn a few lessons
Time showed me that
What you give is what you get

I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe

I don’t know the answer to my prayer
But I keep kneeling down like somebody is there
‘Cause I still believe

(Now, listen)
Well, I guess I could give up
‘Cause there are days I wanna run away
From everything
But what good would that do for me

‘Cause I, I, I still believe

I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe

I never saw a man that walked on the water
I never met a man that walked on the water
But I still believe

I don’t really know what tomorrow will bring
But I’m open to all possibilities
‘Cause I still believe

I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,
Who walked on the water
I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,
But I, but I, but I believe
But I, but I, but I believe
But I, but I, but I believe

Today was a little different.

Recently, I discovered that my huge data storage drive was failing. For the past week I have been trying to recover precious files – basically pictures from Michaela’s birth to about January 2009 – anything that was on Mike’s computer, all of his music, his writings, everything…our tax returns. You name it. It was on this storage drive and last week I couldn’t access it. I took it to a local place and they were unable to recover anything. Finally I caved in and sent the drive to a data recovery place and today learned that IF they can do a full recovery, it will cost me $2400. The drive is in apparently pretty bad shape so today I have been dealing with these feelings that were spilling over from the weekend of just missing Mike to despair in wondering if I was losing some precious memories because I was too stupid to not back it up with redundant drives.

It begs the question…how do you put a price on your memories? As choked up about the cost I will incur in trying to salvage anything from this, I was frantically searching today for any pictures that could have been on that drive but I miraculously found elsewhere. I am happy to say that I did find some. And when I did, I was compelled to put them together in a video. The video below is a tough watch. It features the song “I Will Not Say Goodbye” by Danny Gokey – a song that he introduced the other night as the song that was written for his late wife, Sophia. This is the song that I asked him about.

[Show as slideshow]

Click images to enlarge

The other night Michaela and I went to see a concert. It was Sugarland/Julianne Hough/@dannygokey. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t shell out the money for this because it costs a lot of money but Michaela and I liked @dannygokey on American Idol last year and although she had an brief opportunity to have her picture taken with him when the tour made its stop in town last year, it wasn’t much of a visit. This year we had a chance to go check out his show and meet him in person. It was on Mommy/Daughter date night and later she told me it was the best date yet!

The meeting with @dannygokey was short and sweet. We had a moment to speak and I told him that there were lots of “us” (widows) who have a vested interest in him doing well. That piqued his interest and he asked why. I told him that I had lost my husband not long before he had lost his wife. I understood how doing what he did was very difficult. Let’s face it, when something like that happens you just don’t know how or if you will be able to go on living let alone pick up any of the pieces and try to realize any of the dreams you had prior to your life as you knew it stopping. Anyway, I said to him that I didn’t know how he could sing some of the songs he has on his album. They sound pretty to most people but to those who have lived through this sort of thing, the lyrics cut to the core. I still don’t know how he does it but for some reason, he told me, singing the songs and what they’re saying don’t effect him up on stage. Amazing. Try for a moment to imagine the love of your life dying and then listen to this song:

Do you think you would sing it in front of thousands of people?

So, after all of this, Danny says to me “Gimme a hug.” It was quick. I was stunned. But then I got to thinking…. I haven’t hugged a man that wasn’t my father, a brother, an uncle, an in-law, etc since I lost Mike. They call it widow brain…usually it’s the forgetfulness that plagues you but you also get a case of strange thoughts, too. It’s been 2 years and Danny was the first hug? Well, sheesh!

I thought some more….

Some people have what is called a Bucket List. It’s a list of things to do or places to see before they die. Silly & weird me started to think, who would be on my Hug Kris Bucket List? I mean it could be anyone right and I can already mark @dannygokey off the list (although if he wants to do it again, heck if I would stop him)! So I figured what the heck…I am going to start a Hug Kris Bucket List and who knows? Maybe one day I can start crossing names off. Who’s next?

Updated!! Hug Kris Bucket List:

1. Rick Springfield (Surprise! July in Denver, Rick. Be there.)
2. Hugh Jackman
3. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
4. Gerard Butler
5. Robert Downy Jr (have you seen Iron Man 2? Oh. My. Gosh.)
6. Johnny Depp
7. Antonio Banderas
8. Brad Pitt (please shave first, Brad! LOL!)
9. Harrison Ford
10. Dominic Zamprogna
11. Danny Gokey (again, @dannygokey?)
12. Patrick Dempsey
13. Eric Dane
14. Kevin McKidd (hey, it’ll be a Grey’s Anatomy hugfest!)

Who am I forgetting? Who would be on YOUR Hug Bucket List?

FINALLY!!! Seriously, folks I was thinking I was going to go ballistic if I didn’t hit this number. I surpassed it by about .2lbs but I am just going to call it an even 35 for now because as we all know and as my rantings can attest, the scale has a mind of its own! Who knows what it will say tomorrow!? But for today it said A LOT and to see that number dip just below a certain point had the semblance of sweet victory for me. And it’s just what I need to keep the momentum going and try to double my results.

This week hasn’t been that great in the work out dept. I injured my upper left leg the other night. I wish I could say it was from something really cool like kicking @$$ on the dodgeball court last Saturday (which for an old gal, I guess I did) but that wasn’t it. The great injury occurred when I (wait for it…..), went to kneel on the ground so I could put together a shelf for my sister. Yup. All I did was try to get on the ground. Instead I felt a pop and I yelped with pain. It’s sore but I don’t think it’s lasting. The ol’ time o’ the month reared her ugly head (FINALLY!) the other day and then couple that with the pulled muscle, I called it a day on exercise yesterday and today. I kinda feel guilty about that. Funny how that is. But the good news is that I am chaperoning a field trip with 2nd graders today and we’re doing some walking so I will not feel THAT guilty! I’ll get my exercise in somehow and then get back on the wagon tomorrow.

Real quick…dodgeball. I played for two hours last Saturday and I reaped the rewards of sore muscles for THREE DAYS afterwards. I could move and all but woo! It hurt to do so. I hadn’t played it since I was in 6th grade and man, they play it differently these days. SIX BALLS! And they are coming at you from all directions. It can get pretty violent and I must say it is an excellent way to relieve some of that pent up aggression. Who knew I had any? I would LOVE to play again this Saturday but I have a pressing family engagement that I must attend. BUT… I will be back next week. You can bank on that. Hopefully the soreness won’t happen this time!