The rules are simple. When any of the words or phrases are said, you drink the corresponding amount. If any of the actions happen, you drink the corresponding amount. Make sense? Good, then let’s get our drunken State of the Union on.

Words or Phrases:

“Let me be clear” – sip
(If he’s actually clear – pound)
“Make no mistake” – sip
(If he actually makes a mistake – pound)
“Healthcare” – sip
“Obamacare”– pound
“Scott Brown” – sip
“My name is Barack Obama, and I also have a truck” – pound
“Pants on the ground” – pound
“Death panel” – sip
“Sarah Palin is a genius” – pound
“Afghanistan”  – sip
“It reminds of my childhood in Kenya” – pound
“Spending freeze”– sip
“That’s why I’m naming Glenn Beck as my new Secretary of State” – six pack
“Special Olympics”– sip
“For the record, Ayla Brown is no longer available…if you know what I mean” -pound
“Beer Summit”– sip
“My Muslim faith” – pound
“Across the aisle” – sip
“We are all Kenyans now” – pound
“Jackass” – sip
“That is why our newly signed pact with the devil will help” – pound
“Unfriend”– sip
“Rectum? Damn near killed him! HAHAHA” – pound
“Same-sex”  – sip
“Which is why I won the Nobel Prize.” – pound
“Party crashers” –sip
“By the power vested in me, Massachusetts is no longer a state.” – pound
“Tweet” – sip
“Thanks to the wisdom of Rush Limbaugh.” – pound
“Stimulus package” –sip
“I’m proud of the balls the Democrats have shown this past year.” – pound
“Bailout” – sip
“Pull the plug on grandma” – pound
“I think Heidi Montag looks good after her surgery” – pound
“Change isn’t easy” – sip
“Who dat?” – pound
“It won’t happen over night” – sip
“Teabaggers” – sip
“Anal” – pound
“I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking government.” – pound
“Socialism” – sip
“The teabaggers make a good point.” – pound
“Bush’s fault” – sip
“Hold on,  I just got a text.” – pound
“Acted stupidly” – sip
“I would like to commend the Supreme Court on their recent decision, and welcome our newest member of the Senate, Senator Ronald McDonald.” – pound
“Underwear bomber” – sip
“So suck it Biden!” – pound
“Appalachian trail” – sip
“Excuse me while I whip this out.” – pound
“Snooki come up here so we can do shoots” – pound

On-Camera Actions or Applause:

Shot of Michelle – sip
Shot of GOP member NOT smiling – sip
When ONLY DEMS clap – sip
When everybody claps – sip
When ONLY GOP clap – pound
When a member of the GOP is smiling – pound
Joe Wilson yells, “You’re telling the truth!” – pound
Kanye West interrupts Obama, but then lets him finish – pound
Joe Lieberman gets up and switches sides of the aisle – pound
Teabagging – pound
Senator Byrd is removed from the chamber due to a “bomb” in his underwear – pound
A shot of Senator Brown watching from the cab of his truck – pound
Joe Lieberman gets up and attempts to filibuster the speech…and succeeds – pound
Nancy Pelosi never blinks – pound
Sarah Palin resigns from Fox News half way through the speech – pound
Obama pulls out a toy lightsaber and challenges Michelle Bachmann to a duel –pound
“The Situation” joins Obama at the podium for some fist pumping – pound
Barney Frank punches Snooki in the jaw – Buy Barney a beer!

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Watch the video and see if you can pick up why Senator Buttars has a problem with “the Gays” (by the way, “the Gays” sounds like some sort of new Emo band)

“I meet with the gays here and there. They were in my house two weeks ago. I don’t mind gays. But I don’t want them stuffin’ it down my throat all the time…and certainly in my kids face.”

Now, some might say this is a poor choice of words. I disagree. I say, this is just a man who is getting down to the meat of the situation.  Some people see this as a long, hard conversation that, with enough massaging, will inevitably end up a hot sticky mess for the state of Utah.  Senator Buttars is trying to end it quickly, pre-maturely if you will.

He knows his style isn’t popular, but he strikes me as a man who is used to cuming from behind and ending up on top.  He’s called “the Gays” and Lesbians “the greatest threat to America going down” and compared them to radical Muslims.  I think deep down he’s just trying to say, he wants THEM to go down, because he’s tired and doesn’t want them stuffin’ it down his throat.

Why his kid would be there is beyond me. He is from Utah though, they’re a little sick over there.

Given the explosion of douchiness all around us, we had to dig deep to select these profiles in ignominy, but here they are — our awards for this year’s 20 biggest douchebags in America. And the Douchies go to…

1. Glenn Beck

In an era of rampant right-wing paranoia, no one has done more to fan the flames of conspiratorial idiocy than FOX News Channel’s Glenn Beck. A faux populist and self-described “rodeo clown,” Beck is a champion for reality-impaired Americans everywhere who lack the ability to think, reason, or spell. Normally, someone fitting Beck’s psychological profile would simply be left alone on a park bench to shout his unhinged insanity at squirrels and pigeons. But thanks to FOX News (and presumably regular injections of Thorazine), Beck commands a 2.6 million-strong wingnut army hell-bent on taking back America from all the gay Marxist Muslim illegal immigrant socialists running our government.
Douchiest Achievements: Beck accused Obama of being a “racist” who has a “deep-seated hatred for white people,” which led to an advertiser exodus from his show (not to worry, he still has sponsors peddling penis enlargers and egg cookers). In his most laughable moment, Beck claimed he had deciphered a secret code proving Obama was trying to create an “Oligarhy,” which is a form of government that steals letters from illiterate morons and gives them to the wealthy few. Other Beck conspiracy theories include accusations that the Obama administration has secret plans to force abortions and put sterilants in the drinking water to control population; use health care reform to recreate Nazi eugenics; and create a “civilian national security force” just like Hitler did. Beck is a man so passionate about his convictions that he won’t hesitate to rub on Vick’s Vapor rub to get the tears flowing so that he can sobbingly proclaim, “I love my country — but I fear for it!”
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Declaring that everyone is Hitler, except for himself.
Quote: “Satan’s mentally challenged younger brother.” –Stephen King, describing Beck
~Dan

2. Kanye West

Yo Glenn Beck, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Kanye West was the biggest douchebag of 2009! Of 2009!
Despite his talents as a rapper and hip-hop artist, Kanye tends to be known more for his freakishly large ego than his music.  He once said “God chose me. He made the path for me. I’m God’s vessel.” God’s vessel? More like the Lord’s douchebag.
Douchiest Achievement: At the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West cemented himself in douche history when he jumped up on stage to interrupt Taylor Swift’s award acceptance speech. “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of the year.” Or something like that. It’s hard to remember what was actually said since the Internet was quickly flooded with so many spoofs of the event. No less an authority than President Obama officially declared Kanye a “jackass.” As Conan O’Brien joked, “Not since ‘yes, we can’ has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.” We’re pretty sure that’s why he won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Anywhere but the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.
Quote: “My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” –Kanye West
~Warren

3. Jon and Kate Gosselin

Jon & Kate Plus 8 started as a peek into the life of a couple beset (through fertility treatments) with sextuplets and twins. The show quickly became a chronicle of serial emasculation, a testament to birth control, and a horrific meta-vessel of overexposure and gilded mega-breeder entitlement (e.g., renewal of vows in Hawaii, hair plugs for Jon / tummy tuck for Kate, McMultiplesMansion in Pennsylvania, shark-jumping crossover with American Chopper). Soon enough, the Gosselins’ marriage cratered, TLC decided to dump Jon from the show, and then he blew up the whole gravy train – for the sake of the children, of course, and not because Big Daddy was getting cut out. (Hopefully, the TV residuals can help him cover the costs of the recent psycho-renovation of his Manhattan bachelor pad.)
Douchiest Achievements: Kate: Multiple TV appearances where she expressed her heartbreak, clutched her wedding ring, reaffirmed her devotion to her litter, and turned on the waterworks; the Access Hollywood outtake where she told her parched daughter to get her own fucking water bottle; shooting a pilot with Paula Deen (?!?) for an umpteenth clucking-hen coffee-klatch morning show (working title: Butter and the Beast); and, sweet Jebus, having that hairdo on purpose. Jon: nailing any 20ish chick within a 500-foot radius, including schoolteachers, tabloid reporters, the babysitter, and the daughter of Kate’s plastic surgeon; taking a couple hundred grand from the joint bank account, presumably to replenish the roofies-and-lube fund; breaking free from Kate’s ballbusting shackles, only to submit to the 16-ton testes-steamroller that is Nancy Grace; fraternizing with world’s worst celebrity dad Michael Lohan and Ed Hardy good-taste assassin Christian Audigier, thus ascending to his rightful place in the newly-formed Axis of Douchebag.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Not seen at all. (This is only Kind of a Lark’s and the western world’s most fervent hope. Actual results may, and likely will, vary.)
Quote: Any quotes from these losers would only feed the monster. We’ve got to draw the line somewhere. (For the sake of the children!)
~loukip

4. Sarah Palin

Most sentient Americans rightly concluded during the 2008 election that Sarah Palin was a blathering idiot. But in 2009, we learned that she is also a maniacal, conspiratorial, paranoid douchebag who is here to stay. This, of course, is bad news for American democracy in general and Republicans in particular, who are still too busy ogling her mavericky caboose to notice she’s leading them straight off a cliff. But it’s good news if you’re a Democrat who enjoys a spectacular trainwreck or a comedian who likes punchlines that write themselves.
Douchiest Achievements: Palin claimed an Obama “death panel” could kill her child. She publicly trashed her daughter’s baby daddy (and fellow douchebag) Levi Johnston as part of a bitter feud that became so ridiculous, even Vladimir Putin couldn’t believe what he was seeing from his house. She accused David Letterman of being a pervert because of a joke she did not get. She published a score-settling work of fiction that was best summed up by a former McCain aide who said it contained “elements of truth underlying a narrative that is completely false.” She gave her seal of approval to the “Birthers” (see Orly Taitz below) who claim Obama was born in Kenya, saying his birth certificate is “rightfully” an issue with the American public. She raised the specter of a Palin/Glenn Beck 2012 ticket, presumably because the world is going to end anyway. Not to mention the fact that she quit as governor after only two and a half years for reasons that only William Shatner could possibly make sense of. Quitter Palin somehow managed to out-laughingstock the laughingstock she became during the 2008 campaign, neatly encapsulated by the year’s best bumper sticker: Palin 2012 – 2014 1/2.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Writing a second book titled “Going Shopping” and quitting halfway through.
Quote: “Only dead fish go with the flow.” –Sarah Palin, quitting, July 3, 2009
~Dan

5. Nadya Suleman, aka”Octomom”

Apparently taking note that when it comes to kids, the number “8” is a sure-fire laser beam to media success (“Eight is Enough,” “Jon and Kate Plus Eight,” “Eight Men Out”, etc.), Suleman decided that the best thing she could do for her future as an unemployed single mother of six, was to pop out eight additional kids she couldn’t take care of.
Douchiest Achievements: Where does one begin? Separated from her husband in 2000 because they couldn’t conceive children together…Already had overcompensated in the world of population control by having six kids through in vitro fertilization after the separation…worked in a California state mental hospital from 1997-2006 – probably would have benefited from some in-patient services…ran up a hospital bill between $1.5 and $3 million dollars that she can’t pay… was offered multiple deals to star in porno movies…had plastic surgery to look more like Angelina Jolie, then all the kids—all she’s missing is Brad Pitt and millions of dollars.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: For the love of God, doing anything but having more children.
Quote: “If I don’t do what I need to do in the media to take care of and support the kids, I can’t take care of them.”
~Fathead

6. Michele Bachmann

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann represents the 6^th district of Minnesota in the U.S. House of Representatives. Those people deserve your pity, but they have no one to blame but themselves. Perhaps they should also blame God, who apparently told her to run. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Douchiest Achievements: Bat-shit crazy often comes up when describing Rep. Bachmann. She’s not only against gay marriage, but against gays and lesbians themselves, saying they suffer from “sexual dysfunction.” Intelligent Design sounds so good to her that she believes it should be taught in schools, but if you try to teach volunteerism to kids, you’re creating reeducation camps. She called upon her supporters to slit their wrists in order to protest health care legislation, yet how will they pay to get stitched up? In a battle of nut jobs, she once took down Glenn “King Nut Job” Beck by arguing that taking the national census will lead to putting people in internment camps. Which makes perfect sense…if you’re insane. (Warning: staring at this video could cause you to become stupider, so watch through a pinhole in a piece of cardboard). To Bachmann, socialism might as well be the devil’s work. She is against ANY kind of government handout. She will leap on her high horse and denounce ANYBODY getting aid from the government. So the discovery of her family farm receiving almost a quarter of a million dollars in government subsides makes you wonder if she is going to denounce herself. Perhaps call for an investigation into herself.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Wearing an aluminum foil hat to sessions of Congress for fear of Democrats stealing her thoughts.
Quote: “During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.” (On a side note, a 100-day orgy is not too shabby.)
~Warren

7. Tiger Woods

While fellow douchie Nadya Suleman felt 14 kids was the right amount, Woods felt 14 mistresses put the tiger in his tank. The world’s greatest golfer went from one of the most admired and respected athletes (if you call golf a sport and not a recreational activity) to the butt of late night comedians after admitting that he has not been the most faithful of husbands.
Douchiest Achievements: Neighbors found him lying shoeless and snoring on his Isleworth street after he plowed his SUV into a fire hydrant and tree…Tiger Woods’ website buries any mention of his transgressions, but does advise to “play the chunk-and-run,” which in non-golf terms is another way of saying “bang a Perkins waitress in your Escalade, then dump her on the side of the road”…to his credit, most of the alleged mistresses look nothing like his hot, blonde wife Elin…lost millions in endorsements as sponsors bailed…real name is Eldrick Tont Woods which would make him a douchebag regardless of any other activities…athletic equipment maker Puma is considering signing Elin as a spokesperson for their new Swedish-inspired clothing line called Tretorn, which roughly translated means, “Tiger castration.”
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Golfing on some of the most beautiful courses in the world, earning millions of dollars in prize and endorsement money, and sleeping with a variety of hot brunettes. What can I say, Americans are a forgiving people.
Quote: “I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.” You think?
~Fathead

8. Carrie Prejean

Carrie Prejean’s story is, at the heart of it, the result of a chain-reaction clusterdouche that was too big for the circus tent of the Miss USA pageant to contain. If Miss USA head honcho (and first-ballot D-Bag Hall of Famer) Donald Trump hadn’t decided to install Black Eyed Peas punching bag / John Madden of the jizz-telestrator Perez Hilton as a “celebrity” judge, Miss California USA Prejean likely would have skated through by the Vaseline on her teeth and claimed the big sash and tiara. But Hilton laid the gay marriage question on her and thus played midwife to the unholy test-tube spawn of Anita Bryant and Chauncey Gardiner.
Douchiest Achievements: Her artless defense of “opposite marriage” (a G.W. Bushism-by-Proxy if ever there was one) and resultant 1st runner-up finish should’ve been the last we’d heard of her, outside of a future co-host job on “Fox & Friends.” But in a country that likes its martyrs pretty, telegenic and self-inflicted (see: Palin, Sarah), Prejean of Arc found the gravy train of right-wing celebrity a more appealing option than the actual fulfillment of her Miss California USA duties. Pageant officials took back their title, St. Carrie sued them for libel, and in the most literal case of tit-for-tat ever seen, they countersued to recover the cost of her breast implants. Our Lady of Christian Family Values settled out of court when pageant lawyers produced a video of her rowing her little man in the boat ashore. Combined with all those pesky topless shots that emerged, that put a bit of a dent in the wholesome image deal (let’s see if she gets that conservative pin-up calendar gig in 2010). And when she topped it all off by achieving the impossible – making Larry King look like a hard-hitting interviewer – you knew Carrie Prejean had taken a sow’s ear of a year and truly turned it into a Golden Douchebag.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: In every Young Republican’s wet dream, and probably on Vivid Video’s website.
Quote: “I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.” – Prejean. Little did she know that an early translation of John 8:7 read, “He that is without sin among you let him cast the first synthetic sac of saline fluid at her.”
~loukip

9. Joe Lieberman

In the long history of the U.S. Senate, never has there been a bigger back-stabbing, flip-flopping, soul-selling, cock-blocking douchebag than Joe Lieberman.
Douchiest Achievements: As the 60th Democratic vote, Lieberman reveled in his roll as legislative killjoy. Nowhere was that more apparent than in the health care debate, where Joe-mentia held the bill hostage by threatening to help Republicans filibuster it to death if Democrats refused to meet his demands. Among them: killing the Medicare expansion, which he had supported three months earlier. Because that’s what soulless, hypocritical douchebags do. His healthcare treachery was a fitting capstone to a decade of douchiness. In fact, every bad thing that happened during the last 10 years is basically Joe Lieberman’s fault — from selling out Al Gore during the Florida recount to helping George W. Bush forward his agenda at every turn to being the leading Democratic cheerleader for the Iraq war to ensuring that thousands of Americans will die needlessly because they lack health insurance. Thank God Al Franken had the good sense to tell him to STFU on the Senate floor.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Being mistaken for Droopy Dog
Quote: “You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you.” –Jon Stewart
~Dan

10. Teabaggers

Most people look up to teabaggers, and some gag just thinking about them. Oh wait, you mean we’re not talking about men who dip their testicles in your mouth? We’re talking about the right-wing conservative teabaggers? Yeah, those guys are dicks. They are the second most popular right-wing group inadvertently named after a sexual act. The first being the “Dirty Sanchez’s” famous for their anti-immigration stand. The problem is Tea Baggers don’t seem to realize that they aren’t original. There were people who stood up to an oppressive government, fighting the Big Brother tactics of the previous administration. Back then we called them “liberals.”
Douchiest Achievements: Here is where you would normally read about all of the douchie things Tea Baggers did this year, but there are almost to many things to talk about. Someone once said, a picture speaks a thousand words (although in a douchebag picture, many of those words are spelled wrong). So instead please enjoy the following video from a teabagger rally that occurred this year and take in the full power of their douchieness:

Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Protesting public school funding. Their sign will read, “We didn’t go to skool, and we do just phine!”
Quote: “Keep your government hands off my Medicare.” –a confused teabagger at a health care reform town hall meeting in Simpsonville, South Carolina
~Warren

11. Mark Sanford

Popular governor of South Carolina who suddenly, and without word to any of his staff or security detail, disappeared for four days in June leaving the state without its chief executive. Thanks to Sanford’s notorious aversion to having a security staff with him, and the revenge motive of a fellow politician, the governor was discovered to have been carrying on a longtime-affair with a woman in Argentina.
Douchiest Achievements: Told his staff that he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” when in fact he was “banging the Argentinean tail”…Charged with over three dozen ethics violations including using state aircraft to attend one of his son’s sporting events..a subcommittee of the State Legislature recommended censuring Sanford for bringing “ridicule, dishonor, disgrace and shame” on South Carolina…Wife filed for divorce in December…released holiday message to South Carolina that began “This time of year offers each of us a chance like no other to refocus on what is really important in life – things like spending time with friends and family”…was the last governor to accept economic stimulus money for his state nearly missing out on $8 billion in aid.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Publishing his memoirs entitled “Argentina on 10 Ethics Violations a Day”
Quote: “I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details ….” –Sanford e-mail to Maria Shapur
~Fathead

12. Robert Joe Halderman, aka Joe the Dumbass

Oh Joe, to be a schlub of a CBS News producer who’s struggling to make your child support payments. Your ex-girlfriend, Late Show staffer Stephanie Birkitt, has broken your heart. But hey, what’s this in her diary? She banged her old boss, David Letterman? Goodbye deadbeat dad, hello alleged master criminal and would-be screenwriter! Two million simoleons can buy a lot of Happy Meals. What could possibly go wrong… besides, uh, everything?
Douchiest Achievements: Thinking that, after prior run-ins with a dogged and clinically insane stalker and a Montana handyman who plotted to kidnap his son, Letterman would roll over when confronted with evidence that he dipped his pen in Worldwide Pants’ ink. Also, asking that the hush money be paid by check, to sidestep any tax issues. (Well, at least he didn’t ask for an enlarged check delivered by Publishers Clearing House.)
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: As an uncompensated producer of most of truTV’s daytime programming, when coverage of his criminal trial begins.
Quote: “I’m an employee in good standing, but should I be fired, mysteriously … If my house burns down … Any number of things that, I don’t know this person (Letterman), I’ve never met this person, I have no idea who or what he is or is capable of.” – Halderman, speaking to Letterman’s lawyer during “negotiations” to sell his “screenplay.” Evidently, Joe suspected foul play in Larry “Bud” Melman’s disappearance back in ’93.
~loukip

13. Rep. Joe Wilson

Inspired by the teabaggers who spent the summer shouting down politicians at town hall meetings, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-Tourette’s) attained his one and only note of distinction when he broke with centuries of decorum and heckled President Obama during a joint session of Congress. After Obama said illegal immigrants wouldn’t be covered under health reform legislation, Wilson shouted “You Lie!”, apparently believing he was on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show.
Douchiest Achievements: Wilson, who was mentored by notorious racist Strom Thurmond and been affiliated with a neo-Confederate group for years, is passionate about stopping any government-run health care plans, except when he’s busy being a hypocrite. As a retired Army National Guard colonel, Wilson receives generous government health benefits, as do his four sons in the armed services. And in 2003, Wilson voted to provide federal funds for illegal immigrants’ healthcare as part of the Medicare Prescription Drug bill. Way to stay classy, Old Yeller.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Fitted with a strait jacket and restraint mask at the State of the Union Address
Quote: “What’s so ironic is that the health care plan that Joe Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the Prozac he so desperately needs.” –Bill Maher
~Dan

14. Levi Johnston

High school hockey stud who, in a fit of perfect timing, knocked up Bristol Palin just in time for her mom’s selection as the Republican nominee for vice president, effectively castrating her “abstinence only” campaign platform.
Douchiest Achievements: Agreed to pose for Playgirl magazine after breaking off engagement with Bristol, bringing new meaning to the phrase, “that’s one big zamboni!”…a high school dropout, he was working as an apprentice electrician before quitting that as well (seems like he would fit right in with the Palins) to try and become an actor…attended the Teen Choice Awards with comedienne Kathy Griffin…did a commercial for the Wonderful Pistachio company showing him opening a pistachio with a bodyguard nearby and the voice-over saying “Now Levi Johnston does it with protection.”
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Starring in a porn movie entitled “Johnston and his Johnson”
Quote: “I just get naked, that’s what I do.” – as told to US Magazine
~Fathead

15. Richard Heene, Balloon Douche

Fame, to paraphrase the late Rick James, is a hell of a drug. Even the pale kind of fame, the crummy street-grade shit cut with baby powder from the 99-cent store, can keep some fiends coming back for more. For a prime example, look no further than Richard Heene, the failed actor, financially strapped handyman and storm-chasing, UFO-chasing and attention-chasing crackpot with a checkered past. Heene wasn’t satisfied with two appearances on Wife Swap and pulled his family into a ridiculous and unsustainable gambit. Alas, he neglected to remember the first rule of any dealer, be it Avon Barksdale or ABC: the customer’s first hit is free, but after that they have to pay and pay dearly.
Douchiest Achievements: First douchy achievement – naming his youngest son after a bird of prey. Then six years later, Heene untethered a homebrewed weather balloon in the Colorado sky and told 911 dispatchers that young Falcon had stowed away in the flimsy dirigible. After a frantic 50-mile chase, the balloon crashed with no sign of the boy. Aw shucks, that little scamp had been hiding in a cardboard box in the attic the whole time! Too bad the tale got blown two miles high when Falcon reminded his dad during a CNN interview that they “did this for the show” – the show being a project Heene unsuccessfully peddled to various producers. (The theme song, however, is a crude garage-rock earworm.) After three days of a rapidly failing smell test – punctuated by poor Falcon’s impersonations of a mama bird feeding her nestlings – authorities finally declared the episode a hoax. Richard and wife Mayumi Heene pled guilty and were sentenced to a combo of jail and work release, with the special proviso that they couldn’t cash in with the media for four years.
Special Award for Supporting Douche Nozzle: A three-way tie between CNN, MSNBC and FOX News for taking the bait big-time on a patently insane non-story that any remedial physics student could have called shenanigans on in three nanoseconds.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Trying to flag down potential new clients in the Fort Collins Lowe’s parking lot.
Quote: “It’s the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. Before that, the only way to get from East Germany to West Germany was your dad would have to put you in a balloon.” – David Letterman
~loukip

16. Health Insurance Companies

The health insurance industry, for those of you who don’t know (and there are about 45 million of you who don’t) is an industry designed to help people in the time when they need it most. In theory, you pay them so that when you are sick or hurt you will be able to get the medical care you need…in theory. Of course, in theory, communism works, in theory. (Apologies to The Simpsons for hijacking that joke.)
Douchiest Achievements: The health insurance industry fears being regulated and is doing everything in its power to keep from having to do the right thing. They are crying poor mouth to whoever will listen, saying reform will bankrupt them and hurt business. Trying to hide the fact that they are making over $200 Billion in profits a year…that’s PROFITS, not revenue, PROFITS! Just for the uneducated (like this woman), profit is what you take home after you’ve covered all your costs. That includes the roughly $12.4 million paid to health insurance CEOs (median annual salary). They propagate lies about made up “death panels” using uneducated people to pass along the message (like this woman). The reality is, “death panels” are thriving under the CURRENT system, and the reform is trying to do away with them.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Bleeding Americas sick dry (literally and figuratively), in other words, business as usual.
Quote: “Exercise freaks … are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” —Rush Limbaugh, June 12, 2009
~Warren

17. Sen. John Ensign

Another year, another member of Congress caught rocking out with his cock out. Big whoop, right? But this veterinarian-turned-lawmaker added primo vinegar to the water to make himself a douchebag of distinction. Hypocritical supporter of the Clinton impeachment? Check. Denier of equal access to matrimonial misery for LGBT couples, while giving his own union a Cleveland Steamer? Check. Fucker of a good friend’s wife who gets his daddy to make it rain strip-club style when the shit hits the fan? Somewhere in Florida, Carl Hiaasen wishes he conceived a plot that sleazy and improbable.
Douchiest Achievements: While Doug and Cindy Hampton are houseguests of the Ensigns after a burglary of their own home, Sen. Ensign begins his clandestine filibustering. After Doug (not only a friend, but an Ensign staffer) finds out, Ensign pulls strings to shunt him into a lobbying gig, an apparent Congress ethics violation. Soon after, casino exec Mike Ensign (aka Pops the Fixer) showers the Hamptons with a $96,000 “gift” that fails to get disclosed to the Senate. Because they considered him a weak-willed schmuck who wouldn’t end the affair of his own volition, Ensign’s C Street / Family brethren watch him compose a hand-written, half-assed breakup note to Cindy Hampton, then chaperone him to FedEx to make sure the missive is delivered. They keep fucking for another half a year.
Special Award for Supporting Douche Nozzle: Fellow U.S. Senator and C Street / Family crypto-fundamentalist-fascist Tom Coburn (R-OK), who counseled Ensign to pay off the Hamptons and then negotiated the details. When pressed to explain his role in the whole shitshow, Coburn clams up and claims privilege as both an ordained deacon and a physician. What privileged doctor-patient communications Coburn had with Ensign seem kinda hinky, considering Coburn’s an OB/GYN. He’d have a stronger case if he were a proctologist.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: In one of the Las Vegas pet hospitals he founded, getting neutered.
Quote: “He has no credibility left.” –Ensign in 1998, on Bill Clinton
~loukip

18. Orly Taitz, aka “Birther Queen”

A kind of superhuman who is equal parts lawyer, dentist, and real estate agent, Orly Taitz is the leading figure behind the “Birther” movement — the reality-challenged band of conspiracy nuts who claim that Obama is a Muslim who was born in Kenya, and thus is not eligible to be president.
Douchiest achievements: Taitz went on a media blitz and hysterically waved around a supposed Kenyan birth certificate for Obama, acting as though she had found the Holy Grail. The document, which was riddled with errors, turned out to be a forgery created by an Internet prankster. (You, too, can have your very own Kenyan birth certificate, thanks to the magic of the Internets). Undeterred, Taitz went on to file multiple lawsuits in an attempt to overturn Obama’s election, and was subsequently slapped with tens of thousands of dollars in fines for “wasting judicial resources” with her “frivolous and sanctionable conduct.”
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Parading around with an Obama Chia Pet in an attempt to prove he was spawned from seedlings that originated on foreign soil
Quote: “It’s just a few cranks out there.” –Ann Coulter on the Birther movement. When you’re too nuts for Ann Coulter, it’s safe to say you’ve taken insanity to a whole new level.
~Peter Andersen

19. Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney was President of the United States from 2001 to 2009. He was referred to as “Vice President” to throw off his enemies, but there was little doubt who was in charge. Just like with the Sith there is a Master and an Apprentice. Cheney was the Master.
Douchiest Achievements: Dick Cheney spent the previous two terms in office inside a cone of silence. He didn’t speak to anybody about anything unless it was carefully thought out talking points. This year he had an opinion on EVERYTHING. Obama and the Democrats couldn’t cut a fart without Cheney weighing in. When Obama bowed to the Emperor of Japan, Cheney called him weak. Although Cheney must have forgotten that his old boss, George H.W. Bush, did the same thing. Hell, the senior Bush did Obama one better, and puked on the Prime Minister. Now that’s strength! When Obama discussed moving troops out of major cities in Iraq in June of 2009, Cheney went on record saying what a horrible idea it was. Lucky for us, Jon Stewart was there to point out that this plan originated with Bush. Cheney lashed out at Obama when the president promised an end to harsh interrogation techniques, saying it will make America unsafe. It’s an odd statement considering those harsh “torture” methods were supposedly stopped in 2004, according to Cheney.
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: Overseeing the completion of the second Death Star, while finishing his book, “I’m Right, You’re Wrong. Now Go Fuck Yourself!”
Quote: This quote isn’t from 2009, but it’s worth hearing over and over and over again.
~Warren

20. Michael Steele

After watching the Democratic Party position an African-American and a woman as their top two candidates for president in 2008, the Republican Party knew they had to react and react strongly. Their first move was to make Michael Steele the head of the Republican National Committee (RNC) and their second move was to elevate “the douche from Wasilla” (see Sarah Palin) to be their vice presidential nominee. Both moves have worked out just peachy.
Douchiest Achievements: Attempted to modernize the Republican Party by bringing a “hip-hop” makeover to the GOP…after taking his position under the guise that he would bring the conservative philosophy to the young, Hispanics and African-Americans—by far the groups with the highest number of uninsured—he then joined hands with the Tea Party movement in trying to kill health care reform…Took heat from his own party when it was revealed he was collecting $20,000 per speech even while making better than $220,000 in his role as chairman of the RNC…claimed that the GOP argument against gay marriage should be that it’s “bad for small business.”
Most Likely To Be Seen in 2010: As guest host of “Pimp my Ride”
Quote: “We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.” –Michael Steele, Feb 19, 2009
~Fathead

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1. Dry Spell Is Over

2. I Hate My Job

3. Publicly Announced Sex

4. Back on the Market

5. Love Isn’t Easy

6. Following in Mom’s Footsteps

7. Parents’ Divorce

8. Socialism Fail

9. Sympathy Fail

10. Raw Chicken Fail

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