kim under the sun

where it is greener

2012-01-19T14:12:00.000+08:00

Two years ago, I thought of leaving my home for a place where they say the grass is greener. I checked again and realized even the moss is greener where I'm from. The rain may not fall as much as I wanted it too but there sure is a lot of life sprawling from the ground.

Surreal

2012-01-15T18:58:00.000+08:00

The way my favorite tracks carry me into a dreamlike state is the way the people from my country feels about the image I see everyday on my home from work. Sounds odd, but true. Clear blue skies, green grass, lush trees, tidy pavements and tall buildings all in one place somehow never fit into my expectation of a developed country. But here I am now living right in the midst of a place that seem to have been perfectly engineered. There are countless things that citizens in this country can be grateful for. I am unsure how long I will be staying here but I share that gratitude. Not everything is perfect, I know. Sometimes I prefer to see the not-so-beautiful side just to keep myself grounded.

"Normal"

2012-01-15T01:40:00.000+08:00

The little brat has gone home and there is nobody to chase or play with anymore. The halls are boring again and so my brain has nothing much to do but think. There has been a lot in my mind lately. This vacation that is coming is keeping me preoccupied. My boss expects me to do the impossible before I leave. I tried to finish a few things at work today but couldn't get it done. My head was aching as if a screw got stuck somewhere in the skull. I wasn't too sure if it was because the AC was off or the heat from the oven. I had to bake a few boards. But my job isn't all that. I'm trying to hold on but the water is just not filling up to the brim because of too much pressure. I guess I just need a long break from what I seems to be "normal" as of now.

a black and white thought

2012-01-12T01:03:00.000+08:00

The place feels boring but not really because the place is. Boredom usually only comes when you feel alone. I guess then that there is more humanity in the clothes flying across our kitchen window than there is within the walls of my flat. Sad reality indeed.

Waiting, anxiously

2012-01-11T01:20:00.000+08:00

The Fruit Experiment

2012-01-10T00:49:00.000+08:00

In very mundane days, the subject of my affection can be as boring as the fruits on the dining table. I guess a different light makes some things more interesting than they usually are. Or am I the only one seeing it?

Some things are better left undisturbed

2012-01-04T00:27:00.000+08:00

It's a Beautiful Day

2012-01-01T02:49:00.000+08:00

I watched and filmed the fireworks in the neighborhood last night and was going to make a music video with U2's song and post it today. But then I was too tired and fell asleep at around 3 AM, which is normally breaking my New Year's tradition. At this time, I had to make an exception.

New Year's eve usually goes by with too much partying and not much meditation. Now, I'm seriously considering a few resolutions. I don't have a list but I have a few in my mind right now. One is to let go of my inhibitions. Another is to refrain from things that bring out the worst in me. Last, is to rethink about my choices.

It won't be long and another year will go by. I want to forget the feeling of uneasiness every time the sun goes down on a weekend. Work sometimes does make you feel like a horse, but it is not an excuse to ~~be able to do~~ not do what I love to do.

This new year, I hope for life to be better, as I always hoped. It will never be perfect, but at least learn to look more at things that make me say, it's a beautiful day.

If you can't sleep, count your blessings

2011-12-30T00:10:00.000+08:00

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings"

- from Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)

So this is Christmas, what have I done?

2011-12-25T23:57:00.000+08:00

I asked the same question last year. This time, my answer is not much. There are a lot of things in my list still undone. As a tradition, Christmas never goes by without spending it with good food. Spending it with family and friends is a plus.

I had a good time. Hope you had too.

Have you wrapped your gifts?

2011-12-24T16:06:00.000+08:00

There are a few hours left before Christmas but the spirit has not quite settled in. Nonetheless, I managed to wrap the gifts in a rush. The theme for this year is recycled paper. There is no reason to buy lavish packaging or ribbons. After all, it's the thought that really counts.

Have yourself a merry Christmas. I know not everyone will have a happy one but feel blessed to have gone through another year. It's not yet the new year but in a few days it will be. Continue to be inspired with whatever is worth looking up to and do not fret if you are still dazed about life's complications. Just live and be grateful.

I have no right to complain

2011-12-19T01:48:00.001+08:00

This weekend was mostly rain so there is not much to do but stay indoors. Sad news from my country reaches me a little too late. Flood has flushed away a lot of people and the number of deceased is rising. My experience this weekend has officially become immaterial. But, tragedies do happen every day. It only becomes more painful if it affects someone close to the heart. What have they done to deserve it? Today, the poor becomes poorer. There is barely anything left of that spirit they've reserved for Christmas. I wish I can find them a some light but I could not even see that star at the tip of that glittering tree until today. I have not been looking up so much. I have to.

Another Ray of Light

2011-12-11T02:04:00.001+08:00

She lays peacefully just like the rest of our loved ones who have left for that unworldly place. She was only an acquaintance since I met her on just a few occasions. But her happiness was so contagious that the thought of her is like a ray of light that peaks through my room in its darkest. The last time I saw her, she was in a state which defies my definition of death. She was asleep as if in a dream where she had finally found serenity. She did.

Ironically, there is a glint of hope even when there seems to be none. Those who remain are reminded that life is too fragile to be taken for granted. As heard from many wise men, live life with meaning.

A Prayer

2011-12-06T23:33:00.000+08:00

Hold her tight and whisper in her ear
She's sleeping but she will hear
So never give up
Continue to believe
That amidst the deep slumber is a soul
Which clings to that one beating heart....

The Question

2011-12-05T23:16:00.001+08:00

The doctor always has an answer. Brain aneurysm, suffocation, auto-immune disease. Name it, science will always have an explanation. Even the sci-fi television series I watch is fascinating enough to explain all the causes of death. But in real life, there's not always an answer. Even the believer continues to question things that have been left to faith. What happens when the soul leaves a beating heart? And what happens after the heart stops beating? But the question I ask when young and hopeful people go through these is, "Why did he or she have to leave too soon?"

The Amateur

2011-12-03T15:53:00.001+08:00

She wakes up at around 6:30 AM in the morning or occasionally after about two snoozes on the alarm later. She gets a quick bath and goes combs her hair on her way down in the lift just to save time. As soon as she reaches her office cubicle, she reads through some email and scans for anything that requires her immediate attention. Thirty minutes later, she enters the lab. Her transformation into a lab rat commences and she is barely seen sitting her cubicle for the rest of the day.

She resumes her human form usually after 6 PM to catch the bus to the train station. The bus captain would be very much disgusted if he finds a rat aboard his ship. An hour later, she reaches home and crawls into her bed in 15 minutes from the the moment she dropped her bag on the floor tile. She lays like a snake and switches on the laptop. She notices the Facebook page as one of her most frequently visited sites but ignores it. Random live streams of other human being's is usually not very interesting to her. Instead, she browses through Flickr's Explore pages and builds up her happiness. Her roommate watches videos of wannabee professional singers but she prefers to just listen and not engage. She fears of shaking the notes in a song.

On some nights, she decides to dance as if she was in a disco club. Sweat rolls down her body but not as smoothly since there is bulge in the midsection which was quite difficult to get rid of. She gets tired and her head starts to ache. The bed becomes seemingly more attractive than the music through her ear and so curls up in a warm blanket and shut the eyes.

Her weekend mornings usually starts with a feeling of being unattached, like a light feather in midair.

Last night's Harry Potter movie made her like Severus more than any other character. Acquaintance with food was too short and just enough to stop the stomach from complaining. Water fell from the sky like a bomb and the rest of her day seemed ruined. She revisited a blog which she found too interesting to ignore. Reading it made her feel like an amateur in most things she does. She decided to visit her own blog to write, hoping to become a better amateur. She wonders if the tenses in the paragraphs are correct but decides to publish it anyway.

Look Closer

2011-11-29T01:05:00.000+08:00

Some things seem very ordinary. If you want to appreciate them, look closer.

Pancakes

2011-11-27T15:04:00.001+08:00

Few weeks ago, I could not take my mind off a trip to somewhere north with my loved ones just so I could spend time with them and have another stamp in my passport. My map of the world has become a bit dusty and I was starting to feel this urge to move. A friend once told me that he travels to have the illusion of movement. However, I realized I don't have to fool myself. I just have to enjoy life in whatever form it appears before me. Right now, I'm enjoying the simple pleasures of chatting with my mom over coffee or having late breakfast with my roommate.

Life is giving me pancakes, so pancakes I shall have.

The Vineyards

2011-11-13T19:30:00.000+08:00

Most days, I wake up to work. Occasionally, I wake with a few hours left into the evening. But sometimes, I wake up with an excitement that is hard to measure in just words. For days, I've been reminiscing about that exciting day which happened more than two years ago. To me, it is one of the sweet memories that inspire me to continue exploring.

It was a bright and sunny morning in Vallejo, California but the breeze planted a kiss on cheek that was as cold as the air in my fridge. I went into my cousin's back porch which was overlooking a golf course. The scene looked like a photo out of glossy magazine.

Breakfast was quick since we had to travel north to Napa Valley where the vineyards are. I wasn't going to Italy, but I was hoping it would be something like it.

The first stop was at Sterling Vineyards. I was lucky to be around with my oldest cousin who planned out the tour herself. The tour began with a ride on the aerial tram. I felt so excited since it was my first. The vehicle was shaking but I moved around like a hamster who just got out of a cage. My cousin was thrilled that I didn't have fear of heights. The ride was very short and quick though.

It was winter and like any other plants in this region, it would have to shed its leaves to survive. So the vineyards were mostly brown patches where there was no grass. Nonetheless, the view was still breathtaking. Wine tasting came free with our tickets and so I tasted my first white wine. I remember it was sweet and I realized I still prefer red. There were a lot other choices in the menu but my cousin was the designated driver and I'm not so fond of wine so we decided to skip the rest.

We explored the architecture of the building and thought them to be a lot different from where I'm from. I don't have a very good eye for design but I appreciate the modern and classical feel the it had.

We continued driving until we reached the Culinary Institute of America. We did a quick tour inside. We were hoping to witness some cooking classes were ongoing but they weren't starting anytime soon. Our bellies were growling but time was also ticking so fast so we quickly took some photos and headed to the next stop.

The determination to explore was so high that we decided to have a quick stop at another winery along the roadside. The wine shop looked too interesting to pass up. As usual, we just took some photos and skipped wine shopping.

Finally, we reached V Sattui Winery. Cheese tasting was free and so we grabbed the opportunity. There were too many kinds and I opted to try a few. I couldn't even remember the name of the cheese I ate. I guess I was too hungry that I just wanted something down my throat.

I ordered a turkey and cheese panini which is basically just a sandwich by definition. The sandwich was so good that it puts me into a dreamlike state every time I recall it. But judging by the condition that I was so hungry that time, I couldn't be so sure now. The picnic area was right beside the breezy vineyards and there was no better way to spend a late lunch. It was actually very late that I had considered the meal to be my dinner as well.

The sky was starting to dim and so we had to drive back home. We stopped by the roadside for the final time just to get one closer look of the vineyards. As I played around with the camera, a flying V went past us. I raised my camera to the sky and pressed the shutter button quickly. It was the perfect way to end the day.

Location: Napa Valley, California, USA
View Larger Map

feels like ice, but not really

2011-11-02T21:04:00.000+08:00

The pain feel likes the heart was frozen in ice and crushed a thousand times. However, the pain doesn't melt too quickly. When our loved ones leave us for that better place unknown to us, I want to remind myself that it is not the end:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a 1,000 winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled light
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die."
- Anonymous

I have forgotten

2011-10-23T14:40:00.000+08:00

Today, I have forgotten about that sad morning 20 years ago and only thought about it when I spoke to my mom. It wasn't the kind of morning a little girl would want to wake up to. But this morning, I woke up from a very long dream which is something I rarely have these days. I rode on the back of a motorized tricycle with only my hand and my feet gripping the bars and I almost fell off. I arrived at this remote village with homes made of palm and went inside a small church where I tried to light up a candle. The fire resisted to burn the wick so I just left.

I am unsure what that unlit candle meant. I hope that there is still light in whatever part of this life it is trying to remind me of. Change has been the only constant thing and by that I meant in both good and bad ways. But mostly, the change lies in the perception of life and knowing more about those things that I thought would remain uncertain to me. The faith is never shaken though but the question lies in how other people are able to survive while believing otherwise. It is a curious case and for now I choose to leave it as it is.

My faith tells me that my Dad is somewhere in that world where there is no more pain or hunger or fear. I am happy for him and glad that the memory of that fateful day remains clear but only a hint of the gripping sadness comes with it. Those 20 years have not been perfect but so far it's a good life. I hope his 34 years was too.

Memories of Bantayan Island

2011-10-08T15:23:00.000+08:00

It's been pouring outside for days and nothing is like the white sand beaches in my memory. I want to to lie on the sand, run on the shore as fast as I can and just get roasted under the sun. Wish I could pack up by bags right now, hop on a bus and ride a ferry to my favorite island. For now, I have to thank my brain and my hard drive too for keeping my Bantayan memories vivid.

Location: Bantayan Island, Cebu, Philippines

View Larger Map

where to?

2011-10-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

Adrift

2011-10-05T01:02:00.000+08:00

Floating but not freely
Change comes to all but one
Keeping still
Waiting endlessly
Loosen that rope and I will be adrift

Sentimentalism

2011-09-30T01:18:00.000+08:00

I wasn't too sure what you meant when you explained about not dwelling into sentimentalism. I know you didn't mean to have a hardened heart. I remember quite vividly that night you talked about grandma years after she passed away and tears rolled down your cheek. I know how you have loved her so much. And that kind of love I hope I'll find.

That day I last saw you in your eternal peace, my heart was not too affected and my mind was only thinking about moving forward. But when I boarded the plane alone back to where I am now, I cried like a baby. The sky was pitch black and my reflection on the window was nothing I would want anyone to see.

I still cannot be sure what you really meant when you talked to me about sentimentalism. If I Google it, the meaning only becomes more complex. I don't know if I want to dream about it. I've had unwanted dreams that my subconscious have been wanting. The more I talk now, the more confused I become. I only wish that you could explain it to me once more through your interesting stories of old. But for sure the angels would not let you and prefer to keep you safe wherever you are now.

I could have done better at expressing myself but I know you would not complain. You've always lived like there were no regrets. I can only continue to thank you for helping me stand where I am now and molding my mind into something sensible.

It's been a year. I have missed you but not too much. I know you would agree that this could be a good thing.