The reporter also wanted my take on whether the book has fueled sexual fantasies for women.  You bet you it has.  My guess is that there are a lot of sexually recharged marriages and relationships out there because of this novel.

To learn more about the book, Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, click here.

Technorati Tags: submission in a marriage

1. Obviously, saying “I love you” is not a good idea on a first date.  Even if you’ve been infatuated for years with someone, you need to keep it together on the first date.
2. There comes a time when the need to express love for another person becomes overwhelming.  It’s almost like a pressure cooker, the top of which is about to blow.  Before jumping off that cliff, check your motives first.  If you’re saying “I love you” because:

• you want to have sex with the person
• you’re lonely and can’t take it anymore
• you want to get married and think it’s a short-cut

DON’T DO IT!

3. The time to say “I love you” is when you want to say it rather than need to say it.  The time to say “I love you” is when your gut trusts that it’s the right time based on the trust level between you and the other person.

4. Once the first “I love you” is out there, how often do you continue to say it?  If you’re a words of affirmation kind of person, you may say it daily or multiple times a day.  Be careful … like the phrase, “I’m sorry,” it can be overused.

5. If your partner doesn’t say “I love you” with the same frequency as you, realize he or she may express his or her love in a different way, but with no less intensity.  Having said that, I believe it’s important that “I love you” be a part of everyone’s vocabulary, even if its use is sporadic.

To read more about the universal phrase, “I love you,” click here.

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1. Part of a dad’s job is to educate his children, from the smallest age, to appreciate their mom.  He does this by including the kids in some form of acknowledgement – taking her breakfast in bed, drawing a picture, giving her flowers, etc. He must, sooner than later, set the tone for how the children view their mom.

2. Aside from teaching the children to be grateful for their mom, the dad needs to model his gratitude, as well. Whether it’s by raising a glass and toasting the incredible mother of his children or by organizing a family outing with her interests in mind, it is so important that he recognize her in an out-of-the-ordinary way.

3. Another part of a dad’s job is for him to transition from being the “idea man” to teaching the kids to come up with their own ideas on how to appreciate Mom.  He can “pass the scepter” by helping the children to brainstorm ideas for their mom, choose one, and execute it.  The kids will learn to take ownership.

4. Stepmoms count!  Although a stepmom is not the child’s biological mother, the dad needs to teach the kids to acknowledge her in some small way, whether it’s with a call or a card.  The stepmom has the difficult job of building a bridge between her and the children, and she deserves some type of acknowledgement.

To learn more ways to show Mom she matters on Mother’s Day, click here.

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1. Notice what your mate is doing right.  And by the way, he/she is doing right things all day long!

2. Be humble and accountable enough to admit when you’ve made a mistake – give a full-rounded apology rather than the quick “I’m sorry,” and then change your behavior!

3. Build teamwork between you by realizing no one person gets his/her way 100% of the time.  Be willing to work together to brainstorm solutions to problems.

4. Keep the lines of communication open by being aware of your delivery.  The language, tone, and volume you use is key to having a strong relationship.

5. Realize your relationship has a life force of its own.  It needs attention.  Look at it like it’s a job, and there are certain things you need to do so you don’t lose the job.  One of the most important things you can do to keep your relationship in business is to spend quality time together every week – alone!

To learn more ways to keep your relationship/marriage strong, click here.

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1. As women, some of us tend to be what are called “Go-oners.”  A go-oner is someone who tends to go around the same block a few times on a subject to make sure she is heard.  By the way, there are men who do this, but it tends to be a female trait.  Women need to learn to reign themselves in when sharing details if they want their mate to hear their core message.
2. Women have a tendency to ask their mate advice and then not take it.  Most likely, we are gathering information so that we can make an informed decision ourselves, but once in awhile, we need to just take our mate’s advice.
3. Some women have a habit of chasing their mate once he has stated he needs time to be alone and sort things out.  The more a woman chases, the more her mate will close himself off, for a longer period of time.
4. Many women fall into the role of “Mom” and become what’s called a “helicopter mate.”  This is someone who hovers over her partner reminding him to do things over and over again.  This habit turns the dynamic of the relationship from an equal partnership to more of a parent/child relationship.

To learn other mistakes women tend to make in a marriage or relationship click here.

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1. One of the worst things a man can say to a woman is, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”  Ouch!  A woman’s number one love need is to be validated.  To do otherwise sends the not-so-well-received message:  What you’re feeling is crazy.

2. Another mistake men can make is that they sometimes play to their “steel” side rather than to their “velvet” side.  A woman wants to see both the strong/hard and soft sides of her mate.  Occasional moments of vulnerability in a man helps a woman feel emotionally and physically connected to her partner.

3. Men sometimes lose site of their mate’s daily needs.  Whether the needs have to do with household chores, parenting, or finances, a woman wants to know her mate is aware of her stress level.  One of the best things a man can say to a woman on a daily basis is, “What can I do to help you today?”

4. Sometimes men talk in generalizations.  Looking at life in a big picture way is extremely valuable.  Many women, however, live in the details.  When a man communicates strictly in general terms, he misses the opportunity to grow closer to his partner.

If you’d like to read more on this topic, click here.

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1. Before any planning begins, you and your mate need to have a conversation about the desired level of involvement in planning the wedding.  If you are the bride-to-be, do you want your groom-to-be an active participant in decisions?  Does he want to be an active participant?  If you come from diametrically opposed positions on this, find a middle ground, but do it now – before the planning begins.  This one conversation will head off resentment that could build and last a long time.
2. Set boundaries around the topic of “The Wedding.”  Once you and your mate are engaged, the wedding can easily be all you talk about, 24/7.  This is not going to work!  Set aside time each week to have a wedding planning meeting.  Whether the meeting is 1/2 hour or 1 hour is up to you.  Do all you can to save your conversations about the wedding for this scheduled venue.
3. You and your mate must learn to set loving boundaries with your parents.  Many couples become stressed out over parents who want to control the show.  Yes, parents need to be included on some things, but know up front those areas where you and your mate want sole decision-making.  Communicate that to your parents in a firm, but loving way.  The sooner you do this, the better.
4. Before you get too caught up in the production value of the event, make sure you and your mate talk about what the ceremony and reception means to you.  What is the final goal for both the ceremony and celebration?  What part do you see yourselves playing in both of those events?  Remember, this day is about the relationship between you and your mate.
5. Wedding planning is a practice ground for marriage in that it requires communication, teamwork, and compromise.  If you run into a lot of bumps along the way that stress your relationship, consider reaching out to a professional for help before you get married.

For more ideas on how to plan a wedding and reduce the stress, click here.

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1. When someone you know and care about starts to create drama through arguing, blaming, self-pity, or having a tantrum, the first thing to do is to be an objective 3rd party observer.  Step back, zoom out, and get a big picture of the situation.  Your ego is whispering to you to jump into the drama, but stop!  Notice – observe – what’s going on.
2. Slow down your interaction with the person.  Hold back the urge to be reactionary.  You’re allowed to say, “I’m uncomfortable with this conversation.  Let’s take a break and reconvene in (fill in the time).
3. If you still want to engage in conversation, be conscious of your language.  Avoid loaded words like, “always” or “never.”  Chances are the other person is baiting you to get sucked into the drama.  Remain calm and state what you see and how you feel about what you see.   Speak your truth, so that when you step out of the conversation, you feel at peace with your part in it.
4. Set your boundaries.  Saying what is okay and not okay with you, in a nondramatic way, changes your dance steps to the dance you and the other person may be used to doing.  Remember, you’re not going to change the other person.  The only thing you can change is your reaction to that person.

For more ideas on how to be in a drama-free relationship, click here.

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Last night, I had a couple in my office that unveiled their lists.  This is truly one of my favorite moments in my coaching practice.  The husband presented his list, which was beautifully framed with photos interspersed among his list of loving statements.  His wife’s eyes brightened when she saw it, knowing that he had taken the time to select the photos, the font, and the frame.

When it was her turn, she looked at me and said, “Do you have an outlet I can use?”  I was surprised by this question, but directed her to the power strip on the floor.  In seconds she presented her husband with a digital frame that showed favorite photos of them, combined with her statements of love. This slide show was the most unique use of the assignment I had ever seen.

To read of other things you can do to make your mate feel like he or she matters, click here.

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1. Avoid undermining your mate in front of your kids.  If your child says one thing and your mate says another, taking your child’s side without first talking to your partner is a mistake.
2. Use the pronoun “We” rather than “I” when responding to a child’s request.  If you can’t grant your child’s request, simply say, “We (your mom/dad and I) will talk it over and get back to you (in a specific amount of time).  It’s okay to allow your child to wait for an answer!
3. Compliment your mate in front of your children by telling them what you love about their mom or dad.  For example, “Mom makes the best spaghetti sauce,” or “Dad is the best handyman.”  Showing your kids you support one another with words of affirmation is another way of demonstrating teamwork.
4. Make sure your and your mate’s values are congruent.  Values are one of the things you teach your kids, so you want to be certain you and your partner are on the same page in this area.
5. Have a regular, consistent family meeting with your kids.  You and your mate make the agenda for the family meeting.  Be prepared for the topics you will discuss and any boundaries you will set.

For more ideas on how you and your mate can work as a team parenting your children, click here.

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