Your relationship has been floundering for a while.  You and your partner have tried talking, date nights, and counseling – all to no avail.

Whether the relationship has devolved into dysfunctionality or whether the spark has, in your minds, been irreparably extinguished – for whatever reason, you and your partner have reached the painful decision to part ways.

So what’s your next step?

Before running to “call your lawyer,” bear in mind that the roadmap for separation and divorce has undergone fast modifications recently, all of which provide you with several options to consider.

There are 4 main issues that need to be resolved in any separation and divorce proceeding:  Parenting (custody); child support; equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities; and maintenance (alimony).  Often differences of opinion arise as the couple considers what result they want to achieve on each of these issues.  So the first thing the couple needs to do is decide on a process to achieve their desired results.

In the past, a couple wishing to divorce had no alternative but to retain lawyers and litigate their differences in court.  Today there are options.  There are three main processes to choose among: traditional litigation; collaborative law; and mediation.

In October 2010, New York State abolished the need for cause to obtain a divorce.  The law today allows for the granting of divorce based on a finding that the marriage has irretrievably broken down for a period of at least 6 months.  This means that divorcing parties no longer have to claim and prove a justifiable cause for divorce (infidelity, cruelty, abandonment for a period of at least a year etc.) which often results in lengthy, painful and costly court trials.

In short, you can get divorced in New York State more easily and quickly now than in the past.

For couples who are so caught up in conflict together, and who have the financial resources to survive a lengthy court case, litigation may be the only viable course of action.  Litigation is an adversarial court proceeding which often takes several years to resolve.  The benefit to litigation is that the lawyers do all the work, all the arguing and negotiating.  One down side to litigation is that this process deprives the couple of the autonomy to craft their own tailored settlement.  Where there is no settlement, a third party – the judge – imposes the decision on the couple and their family.  In addition, claims and arguments are often raised during litigation which increase the emotional and financial stakes of the dispute which can lead to more emotional trauma to the couple, their children and families.  Litigation also tends to be the longest and most expensive process for divorce.

It’s worth bearing in mind that the overwhelming percentage (by most accounts upwards of 95%) of litigated cases end up with a settlement between the parties rather than a judge’s ruling.  Logic suggests that if at the end of the day there will be a settlement, why not begin with this mindset and process that is designed for settlement?

To that end, two new processes were devised.

The first process is mediation.  In mediation the couple meets with a single professional, the mediator, who facilitates and guides the couple as they engage in their conversation while resolving all their differences and reaching agreements on all necessary issues related to the divorce.

The major benefit to mediation is that the couple themselves reach their own decisions, rather than leaving it to the judge to make these very personal and important decisions.  The empowering aspect of making your own decisions has a spillover effect to helping you redefine your relationship with your soon to be ex.  Remember, if you have children with your partner, then you will be involved with that person, in a relationship with that person, for the rest of your life through your children.  Mediation allows you the forum to talk together directly, which often results in the couple finding that they have a viable co-parent in their ex.  Additional benefits to mediation are that this process tends to be the fastest of all the processes and also the least expensive.  Even if the hourly rated charged by the mediator is roughly the same as a lawyer, the fact that most of the fees paid are for the one mediator, even after you factor in individual lawyer fees each of you will incur in consulting with your own attorneys, renders this process the least expensive.

The main benefit of mediation – that you and your partner talk directly to each other – might be a detriment for some couples.  Couples who have uneven bargaining powers or who cannot talk together,  or in cases of abusive relationships, might very well not be viable candidates for mediation.  These couples might well benefit from hiring their own advocates – lawyers who will argue and negotiate on their behalf.  Before contemplating litigation, such couples would benefit from considering the second new process – collaborative law.

In collaborative law, each partner hires his/her own lawyer to advocate on his/her behalf.  Meetings typically are attended by the couple and their lawyers who conduct the negotiations with an eye to reaching an agreement without resorting to litigation.  To maintain the integrity of this process, the retainer agreement with the collaborative lawyers states that in the event this process does not result in an agreement, the lawyers are prevented from representing either of the parties in any subsequent litigation.

The benefits to the collaborative process are that the attorneys do most of the actual negotiations allowing the divorcing couple to minimize their active participation in the negotiations.  Although this process tends to be more expensive than mediation, it generally would be cheaper than litigation.  And faster too.  Most importantly however, the collaborative process – like mediation – has at its core the value of relationship building and guiding the disputing couple in ways to effectively engage in meaningful conversation geared towards resolving differences.

So there you have it:  Three processes for separation and divorce each designed to work best for a specific type of relationship.  Which process to choose and how to ensure you choose the best option requires clarity of thought based on a broad perspective, a clear vision of your desired outcome in all its ramifications, that is, a clearly defined goal.  The more clearly you can envision the end goal, the more easily you will be able to identify the correct path – process – to choose.

Remember, there is life after divorce.

Consider/Create the Possibilities

Adam J. Krim www.resipsa.net

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Adam J. Krim, an attorney, a family/divorce mediator and a certified professional coach, is the founder of Res Ipsa Mediation and Coaching, LLC, with its motto “Consider/Create  the Possibilities.”

Mediation and Coaching are essentially teaching modalities. In both processes Adam facilitates the learning of new perspectives and ways of thinking – based on his clients’ core values – which helps them turn obstacles into opportunities to leverage success in the pursuit of achieving goals, moving ahead in life, and greater long term happiness. For Adam, there is no greater calling.

After practicing law for twenty-five years, both in New York and in Israel, Adam decided to combine his love of teaching (he’s been teaching martial arts for over 20 years) and working with people by training with iPEC to become a Certified Professional Coach. As an attorney and a family/divorce mediator, Adam is intimately familiar with the challenges faced daily by professionals in today’s world. He lived the life; he knows the lifestyle.

In addition to his CPC certification and his advanced training as a family/divorce mediator, Adam is also certified as an Energy Leadership Index – Master Practitioner and has earned the ACC credential from the International Coach Federation.

I used to be a pretty positive person.   But a few years into my marriage, working full time and raising two toddlers, I found myself constantly angry.  At first I was struggling through a rocky, oft-times abusive marriage and later a hostile divorce.  I was fighting with my spouse all the time; living in a house filled with stress, the kids began to act out constantly; financial fears and overall anxieties were so intense you could cut the tension with a knife.  It is no wonder I wasn’t at my best, maneuvering through my everyday challenges.

What challenges are you facing and how are you handling them?  If you are getting tired of the way you are showing up, the good news is you can do something about it.  You don’t have to approach each day with worry, anger and tension.  You don’t have to snap at people, cry at the drop of a hat and be tied into knots each time you need to make a critical decision. You can shift to a better place. But like everything, it is a process and patience is critical.

The solution is in the lens through which you view your world.  From where you stand life might look pretty grim or scary or unfair and because perception is reality, your feelings are totally understandable.  However, you can change your perspective.  Ask yourself a few key questions…

• Is there another way to look at this situation?
• Are there any other possibilities besides the one I am currently considering?
• How might someone else see this situation?
• How is my perspective serving me and what is another viewpoint I might consider?

Typically when we are in a pressure cooker like divorce, we look at the world through the eyes of a victim or a fighter.  We are either depressed or in some level of conflict.  Either of these vantage points is like standing in front of a runaway freight train.  All we see is doom and gloom.  What if you were to move to a ‘safer’ vantage point, one that served you better?

When you feel sad and hopeless or angry and fearful, you feel a heavy sensation as if you are dragging yourself through your day.  Likewise, when you experience a beautiful sunset or a wonderful night out with friends and loved ones, the feeling is calm and peace or joy and excitement.  During these times you feel a lightness of being.  The reason for the heavy and light sensation is the energy that comes with the emotions.  Emotions are simply energy in motion.

Stay tuned, I am going to look at the seven energy levels that we all reside in.  From the ‘catabolic’ life depleting energy that you experience when you are feeling like a victim or in full out conflict as mentioned above, to the move fulfilling energies in living in forgiveness, compassion, peace and joy.

How did today’s article resonate with you?  Where in your life can you relate?  We want to hear your story.

A great message from FrugalDad.com

Mom’s this is your day to be lavished with love and appreciation.  And you deserve it!

Source: http://FrugalDad.com

How To Budget A Household And Get Out Of Debt For Women Of Divorce

Do you want to control your money rather than have your money control you?  This eBook is jam packed with detailed information, examples, charts and some of my personal experiences with how to prepare a budget.  Feel free to provide feedback as I am always open to improving the book, especially if it becomes more helpful to you.  Ebook by Carol Ferguson, you can visit her website by clicking the link above or visiting Life Continues After Divorce.

Managing Money Through Divorce

Some of the major concerns during divorce or separation are:  “How will I afford it? What will happen to the family home? How do we split the finances?  Will I be able to get a mortgage? What will happen to any pensions? What are the rights and responsibilities surrounding maintenance? What benefits am I entitled to?

This e-book answers these questions. It is set out in a user-friendly way (no jargon), with practical tips and checklists.  There is also a useful list of websites where you can get even more detailed information.  The information in the book has been verified by legal and financial experts. Ebook by Annie O’Neill, you can visit her website by clicking the link above or visiting Life After Divorce.

Single Parents Secrets to Effective Communication

With children after divorce is a guide to connect parent with child using tools and processes that allow a better understanding for a stronger future.  Years of communication, personal development and law of attraction education are assembled in a simple format that is empowering while fun.  These skills will benefit not only the parent/child relationship but all future relationships through effective communication.  Ebook by Wendy MacKay, you can visit her website by clicking the link above or visiting Divorce Renovator.

 For more divorce resources, please visit our Resources page.

Raising teenagers can seem overwhelming for any parent, even in the best of families.  Single parents often feel like they’re walking a tight rope with no safety net, balancing words and actions while communicating with their teen.  Even if there’s a step-parent to lean on for support, teens can be up, down, here, there and nowhere all at the same time. Moods can swing like monkeys in the jungle.  Parents never know what to expect or how to approach conversations.

Teenagers also feel they’re alone on the battlefield.  Often they don’t understand why their emotions are all over the map.  They say things they regret but aren’t willing to apologize for.  When confronted they feel challenged and immediately are on the defensive.  They want to have love and security and be playful while needing to act maturely. The child within them is torn between the adult they’re becoming.

If you’re a single parent dodging issues with your teen, or questioning your parenting skills you aren’t alone.  If every parent were honest with them selves I’m sure they’ve all had moments of doubt and anxiety.

This is a time when communication skills are essential.  It’s a time when patience can be tested one minute, and the next second you’re going down a completely different trail.  It’s a time when having support and guidance from a third party can really make a difference.  When you’re in the middle of the situation you can’t see the forest for the trees.

Are you, the parent feeling confused, angry, overwhelmed, tested, challenged, invisible, ignored or all of the above?  If yes, you are normal!  Tell yourself “this too shall pass” and more than ever trust in your parental instincts. Don’t second guess your self.  Mistakes will be made. Apologize when you need to, forgive often and appreciate the fact that within time it will all be in the past.

Do you have doubt as to your ability to cope?

Do you question whether or not anything you say was heard?

Depending on how many children you have, know that this is likely the most difficult stage of parenting, and yet it can be the most rewarding.

Definite guidelines, well thought out clearly defined rules with specific consequences are essential.  There will always be situations that arise which were unexpected and may not fall under the guideline but when you are clear on the majority of rules you’ll be able to quickly switch gears and think clearly when surprises are dropped on you.

Here are some suggestions:

Have routine time set aside weekly to review and connect with your child (or children).  This is when all parties participating must be fully ‘present’, no cell phones, distractions or interruptions allowed.  It’s a good idea to have a plan for these discussions such as:

• Have an agreement that there’s no interrupting one another.
• No blaming, criticizing, condemning, judging or complaining.
• Respect and listen to one another.
• Have at least 3 things each you want to share that you appreciate, are proud of, or noticed that was positive since the last meeting.
• Allow space for issues of concern.  Open discussion with positive brainstorming or suggestions that are constructive are allowed, but nothing negative.
• Find at least 3 things you want to put forth as an intention for yourselves. Agree to support one another to achieve their goals.
• Know who the friend of the day or week is, how to contact them and their parents.
• Know who the teachers are for different classes.  Establish a relationship with them if the school has an open door policy.
• When you have open communication with friends, parents, teachers, peers, mentors and your ex when things are going well. This isn’t showing a lack of trust, it is showing responsibility as a parent that in any case of emergency you are fully aware of how, when or where to start contacting those who matter most.

As a parent of a teenager it makes a big difference when you know how to ask inspiring questions to empower your child.  Keep under tones of any judgement out of the conversations as they only serve to either shut down the discussion or cause an argument.  Allow your teen to learn from their choices.  They are young adults in the process of discovering what their purpose in life is.  You are their guide, there to support them when they need you, but allowing them to mature and grow.  When they know you are always there with an open heart and mind, loving unconditionally they will rely on you when they need you.  It’s a fine line to walk, but when there’s love and respect with clear rules and guidelines that have been established it’s time to sit back and allow them to grow up.  Trust, respect and responsibility should be a given and established in the early childhood years.  Enjoy parenting and remember to always take time for yourself.

To read from Wendy, please visit her website at http://www.wendymackaycoachinginc.com/