Spring, when the world comes alive again, is the perfect time to put some energy into you! Your marriage is over, your partner is gone or about to be, if you have children they may or may not be with you. So, what will you do with that newfound time? How will you use your energy now that you have no partner to invest it in?

What if…

• You thought of yourself as your new best friend? A best friend is one person you cherish above all others

  • What would you like to learn about yourself?

  • How would you like to enjoy your time alone with yourself?

  • What new people or places might you discover?

  • How would you treat yourself to the newly found leisure time?

  • What opportunities might you seek?

  • What might you learn about yourself?

• You thought about the possibilities this life transition offers you rather than wallowing in the past or worrying about the future?

• You embraced your self development as a project that you were 100% on board with?

• You believed the possibilities were endless?

• You chose to put yourself first?

What about You?

It’s all about you; Your life, your journey, your choices. For the longest time I was totally fixated on my husband, then STBX, then my ex (all the same guy!). Then a very wise friend posed one question that has stayed with me all these years; “What about you?”. It changed my life…

Now, what about you?

The post What about you? appeared first on Journey Beyond Divorce.

After the legal battle is over and you begin to settle into co-parenting with your ex, if you have a contentious relationship, a parenting coordinator may be just what you need.  I personally was strongly advised to have one on call due to the highly combative approach my ex took on all fronts, especially with the children.

Many of you are already familiar with mediation as an alternative to a traditional litigated divorce.  In a mediated divorce, both parties work with a neutral mediator, who facilitates the parties’ resolution of issues related to child custody and support, spousal maintenance and equitable distribution.

Another, perhaps less well-known, alternative for conflict resolution among separated or divorced co-parents is called “parenting coordination”.

Parenting coordination is a child-focused alternative dispute resolution process in which a mental health or legal professional with mediation training assists high conflict parents to implement their parenting plan by facilitating the resolution of their disputes in a timely manner. Parenting coordination aims to reduce chronic conflict and litigation between parents and assist parents to co-parent in a way that promotes the well-being of the children and the parent-child relationships. A parenting coordinator provides a communication link between high conflict parents, focusing the parties on the issues to be resolved and the needs of the children in order to contain destructive conflict.

Parenting coordinators can help with disputes over issues in connection with parenting schedules, behavior and communication, and with a child’s activities, education, daycare and health care. Parenting coordinators do not provide therapy or counseling, diagnostic or assessment services, custody evaluations or legal advice.  Rather, parenting coordinators manage the parents’ relationship, the structure of engagement, the parenting plan and any conflict and often coordinate other professionals working with the family.

Parenting coordination can be especially helpful when a parenting plan will need to evolve over time to adapt to the changing needs of a family, for example, when a family has small children, special needs children or mental health or substance abuse issues. Parenting coordination can not only help resolve conflict when a dispute arises, but may be utilized to great effect in the initial period after a parenting plan is finalized. Often agreements contain ambiguities and other potential loopholes that may cause conflict when the agreement is put into practice. A parenting coordinator is trained to anticipate potential problem areas. Discussing and then determining an agreed upon solution, or at least a structure and process for communication and dispute resolution, can help prevent conflict before it begins and provide a smoother transition into co-parenting.

Parenting coordinators may be retained by private agreement between parents or parents may include a provision in their parenting agreement that a parenting coordinator will be used to settle disputes related to the agreement.  In addition, a court may order parents to retain a parenting coordinator.

Sherri Donovan, owner of Sherri Donovan & Associates, is a family and matrimonial attorney with over 25 years of experience. Ms. Donovan is also a professor of forensic psychology and family law, neutral evaluator for New York State courts, mediator, and parenting coordinator.

www.sherridonovan.com               sherri@sherridonovan.com

The post Parenting Coordination: A New Approach to Avoiding and Reducing Conflict appeared first on Journey Beyond Divorce.

When a marriage crumbles, no one rejoices.  The dream of happily ever after dies with struggle on the part of both husband and wife.  One might fight hard, another might shut down, or avoid and seek comfort elsewhere.  Often the realization that the marriage is over comes to each party at different times.  Sometimes when one person is done fighting for the marriage, the other awakens and realizing the severity of the situation decides to make an effort  only to find it is too late for their partner.

The beginning of most divorces are fraught with anger, fear, pain, guilt, blame, frustration and many other painful emotions.  It is a slow process and there is always pain. Much as we wish, there is no fast forward button.  In fact the process itself is the journey of healing from raw to ready to move on.  In time, we do heal and begin to accept our new reality and ever so slowly live into it.

The challenge is to accept the process of grieving which requires us to honor our broken heart and unrealized dreams by being compassionate, patient and loving toward ourselves. We each deal with our grief in different ways, on different schedules.  Some quietly withdrawing; others openly sharing and engaging with others.  The key is to accept the stage of grief while choosing to not reside permanently in it.

When does healthy grieving turn into a resistance that locks us in hurt, anger and despair?  How can we know if we are experiencing the pain of grieving or have chosen to create a new life of endless suffering?

The answer lies in our progress.  Understanding the stages of grieving is critical to being able to ascertain if we are stuck or moving (even if barely perceptible).  No one can determine this but us.  We know how we have navigated challenges in our life.  Are we a quick mover…like the wind?  Or slow and steady…like the earth? Or are we like the earth until we ‘know’ and then rapidly switch blowing through quickly to the other side?  There is no judgment here;  no  right or wrong, it’s just our pace and only we know it.

The first stage of grieving is shock and denial and it makes sense that we resist what is happening when it seems that all efforts have failed and our marriage has come to the beginning of the end.  Then comes anger as realization sets in and we feel wronged, cheated, unwilling to accept that this is what it has come to.

As we move further through our grief we begin to bargain with our spouse, with God, with ourselves; living in a desperate place of “if only’s” and “what ifs” often blaming ourselves or our spouse. Suddenly we may find ourselves back in denial or anger.  This too in perfectly normal as grieving is not a linear process but more like a pendulum that ultimately slows and steadies, all in due time.

Following bargaining is depression as we begin to accept that this is what it is and we are so sad and broken hearted.  Then again, swinging back to denial, anger or bargaining.  Depression is followed by acceptance.

Our acceptance may be momentary in the beginning with the pendulum taking us back to the other stages and so on.  

Having a good day is a sign of acceptance.  Beginning to live your life in your new circumstances and finding bits of joy is acceptance.  Creating new ways of living in our new reality is acceptance.

If you have been struggling for a while and see no signs of acceptance, you may be choosing to suffer.  There may be comfort in holding on to a past that no longer exists or living in a story about being a victim and blaming your ex for ruining your life.  As much as you are suffering, it may be preferable to the uncertainty and unknown of starting over.  There are many reasons why we get stuck in a place that does not allow us to live and grow.  If you find yourself there, a divorce coach can help guide you back to yourself and figuring out what your new life might look like and how to begin creating it.

Getting your focus off the rear view mirror.  When you can accept that your life has changed and he or she has moved on and things are and will always be different going forward, you begin to look at your present and the possibilities of a new future.  You have stepped into the reality of your present life and can now begin to craft a today and tomorrow that expresses who you are and how you desire to live your life.

The post Entering the radical gateway of acceptance appeared first on Journey Beyond Divorce.

There are no facts, only interpretations.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

What do you see in this image?  Can you see both images?

When journeying through divorce most of us are in a mildly to highly contentious state with our soon-to-be-e (STBX).  From a place filled with tension, fear and blame our view of reality is narrowed until all we can see is one perspective.  Typically, that perspective does not allow for understanding, choice or personal growth.  It is constricted by our tainted interpretations and judgments of our spouse’s words and actions.  The resulting emotions drag us deeper into hurt and upset, which further restricts our perspective until we have spun a web that leads us into a deep and dark tunnel.  We seemingly have no options and all possibility of growth and empowerment are lost.

We began our journey choosing to embrace rather than resist the turmoil that exists within our lives now.  We were exposed to the practice of breathing and witnessing our thoughts and the impact those thoughts have on our feelings.  We began to practice mindfulness by paying close attention to the choices we make and opening ourselves to the belief that we have the power to choose in every moment who and how we are going to be and to change if we so desire.

Moving into a deeper awareness of how we are choosing to ‘be’ during this season, we unearthed our judgments around the dissolution of our marriages.  We looked at when we feel like a victim and how we choose to view other’s behaviors.  We acknowledged how hard it is to take responsibility for our part and sometimes equally to not take-on responsibility that is not ours to own.  What we found was that the more we judge, the deeper in heavy, painful emotions we choose to live.

We discovered that by freeing ourselves of judgment, we open the possibility to seeing the world from a wider angle…to perceive a kaleidoscope of possibilities; a panoramic view of the landscape of our circumstances.  To journey from the stifling confinement of our initial perspectives to a vastly wider array of possibilities offers us immense value.  We can now see options to perceive our circumstances.  By widening our lens, we can now choose through which ‘frame’ we wish to see our reality.

We have arrived at a place where we can begin to learn, implement and practice daily the most powerful tool available to us, The Reframe.

Reframing is the ability to:

• Assess how we are looking at our situation,

• Witness the judgments and interpretations we are bringing to that perspective

• Decide if our perspective is serving our needs and desires

• Choose to drop our judgment and try out another perspective that might serve us better

• Stand empowered in our choice to view and respond to each and every situation that we face from a place of detachment and full responsibility for our actions.

• Empower ourselves to stretch, learn and grow in a way that will transform our lives and catapult us into the liberating emotions of forgiveness, compassion and joy.

How does this work?  Let’s take a look…

Have you ever tried to assemble toys, furniture or a BBQ grill? When my kids were young I remember staying up assembling toy after toy.  Bleary eyed, I could not see what was right before me.  Tired and frustrated, I was certain that a screw must have been missing, that the instructions were wrong, that the manufacturer was cheap and irresponsible in packing the necessary bolts and screws.  Each time, when I stepped away and gained some composure and perspective, I would find that everything I needed was right there and assembly was as straight forward (not necessarily simple) as the instructions suggested.

Reframing is the ability to know when to take a deep breath and witness what emotional baggage we bring to the situation.

• A situational Reframe:  I am aggravated about my spouse being late to pick up the kids and I feel controlled (victimized) by his/her consistent lack on consideration.

• Unconscious Reaction:  I get angry, fight (or sulk) and demand that s/he change and stop being so inconsiderate.

• Conscious Reframe & Response: I notice the behavior and my initial hurt and angry feelings; I acknowledge that I only have control over my own actions and come up with a Plan B.  If or when my spouse shows up late, it does not effect me.  I have followed my initial plan, and s/he can choose to relieve the Plan B person and take over, or not.  I am enjoying myself and have not been affected by his/her actions.

• An obsessive thinking Reframe:  My STBX betrayed me, stealing large amounts of funds from our mutual account.

  • Unconscious Reaction:  I cannot get past the betrayal and for months constantly replay events in my head trying to understand why s/he would do this and how this could have happened. I relive the moment I learned about it over and over feeling the pain and devastation again and again.  I feel despair and am depressed.  It is hard for me to motivate myself to take care of myself.

  • Conscious Reframe and Response:  I acknowledge the pain and the betrayal.  I take an honest look at how we handled our finances and my level of responsibility, communication and acceptance or denial.  I shift my focus to myself, how to be self-loving, what I have learned, where I would like to grow or reclaim a part of me that I had lost.  With a gentle heart, I accept where I am and create a plan to shift my focus back to myself each opportunity I get.

The Reframe gives us an opportunity to look at every situation through new eyes.  Whether you are interacting with your STBX, mother, child or boss, if you feel upset you have a tool to help you

• STOP and breath

• ASSESS your perspective

• DECIDE if it serves you

• CHOOSE to drop your judgment

• RESPOND rather than REACT in a way that honors and strengthens you

How do you think the Reframe can impact your life?  Always ask yourself, “how else might I think about or look at this situations?”  Chances are if you drop your judgment, you will find an array of alternatives available to you.  Congratulations, you are on your way to experiencing more cooperation, acceptance and ease in your life.

The post Learning to Reframe: Adjusting your perspective during divorce appeared first on Journey Beyond Divorce.

Why talk about detachment and letting go of judgment at all? The truth is our judgment much like our un-forgiveness only hurts us. The more we judge the world around us, the unhappier we are.  Think about someone you know who might be seen as cranky or crotchety.  They are always complaining about something.  They only see the glass as half empty and no matter what positive there may be in a situation, they will be sure to find the negative.

The way we look at the world is colored by our level of judgment and our judgment is directly related to how attached we are to our reality.  If it sounds like a Catch 22, that’s because it is…a little bit.

Once we begin letting go and accept our circumstances, we can start to acknowledge that we do have choices and as difficult or limited as they may seem, choices still exist. But how do we begin to approach these choices with more clarity and less emotional upset?  The simple answer is detachment: detachment from our judgment of right and wrong, what should have been or must happen next; detachment from the belief that I am a victim.

When going through divorce we are either attached to:

• The dream of happily-ever-after that we don’t want to give up

• The perspective of how our spouse should act

• The belief that we have been terribly wronged and they should pay

• The thought that we are doomed to emotional, social or financial doom

• The certainty that it is their fault.

We are so attached to our views that it becomes difficult to see things from any other vantage point.  We are filled with hurt and anger or fear and guilt all of which is steeped in judgment of our spouse and the circumstances surrounding our divorce.

When we are struggling with a life transition like divorce, the danger is that judgment narrows our field of vision to a keyhole perspective.  We only see faults, fears and frustrations.  About to make some of the most important decisions that will affect the rest of our lives, we have handicapped ourselves with emotional blindness.

What is the likelihood that you will be able to see all your choices clearly and make sound decisions while blinded by judgment?  How will it serve you to choose judgment over detachment as you navigate the myriad of issues surrounding your divorce?

How do you just stop judging when you have been so disappointed or wronged; abused or betrayed?  The answer is you begin to detach from your story, the story that you are the victim of your broken marriage.

Letting go of judgment and the art of detachment requires that you see your part in the collapse of your marriage.

Once we stop seeing ourselves as the victim and admit our choices and our part in the troubles we face, we can begin to detach from our upset.  Here are some examples

• Perhaps we knew things weren’t great in our marriage but told ourselves that all couples have their issues and chose to remain quiet instead of suggesting that issues be discussed no matter how uncomfortable.

• Or maybe you wanted to keep the peace but were unwilling to admit that there was no peace to keep.

• You might have allowed unacceptable behavior fearing uncomfortable consequences if you set boundaries and upheld them.  Or possibly you never set such boundaries and this pattern has seemingly ‘happened’ to you throughout your relationships as if you played no part in it.

• Maybe you felt so abandoned and alone in your marriage that you found other people or ways to fill your needs, ignoring the gaping hole that was growing between you and your spouse.

• Or you saw your spouse treat others in a way that was disconcerting and choose not to address it believing that s/he would never act the same way toward you until they did.

By detaching from the belief that something has been ‘done’ to us we start to take responsibility for our part in the situation and our story thereby begins to change. The truth is more likely that both my spouse and I had a part in the marriage going from blissful to broken. This new reality opens the opportunity for us to release our judgment and gain a clear view of our circumstances.

Judgment is our INTERPRETATION of a situation mixed with our EMOTIONAL REACTION to that interpretation.  It is a mixture of what we perceive to have happened and how we feel about it.

For instance, my husband decided to go skiing for the weekend with his friends, leaving me home alone.  I perceive him as escaping to be free to cheat on me.  In my mind, his ski weekend becomes a setting for a torrid affair with some woman veiled by the ski weekend ‘story’.  My judgment of his actions is based on my interpretation of the situation and my emotional reaction.  The reality might be that he just went skiing with the boys.

The energy and upset that exists around choosing perspectives that cause us angst are found in our judgments, which ALWAYS leave us depleted and unable to see clearly.

Does the hurt immediately subside when you detach and consider another perspective?  Unlikely.  However, you are no longer imprisoned by the limits of your own judgments. You opened the opportunity to see things differently, more clearly, and thereby act and make decisions from a healthier, sounder place of responding and calm rather than reacting and upset.

Stand back and become an observer of your life- even if it is in retrospect. Anything that happens in our world is neither good or bad; it is simply our judgement of the circumstances that makes it so.

• How might you choose to live each day differently if judgement was not a part of it?

• Where might your energy be used if you were not mired down by judgement?

The post The Art of Detachment: Letting go of Judgment appeared first on Journey Beyond Divorce.