Everyone is talking about appearance and how it can serve other people, like finding a husband and looking more palatable to be in certain spaces. So they let go of personal styles in order to kind of serve society, and I think that’s okay when it serves you, but conforming to serve others is just a waste because one thing I have come to learn is that nobody really cares or people either care to much (there is no middle ground), you know? I mean, if the hyperfixation helps you get something you want, then go for it, but if it gets in the way of you being able to be yourself, then it’s like wearing a costume and acting some performance anytime you leave the house. I guess that’s why I’m not that impressed with the elegant or old money aesthetic or the influencers that teach you how to get a “rich man” it feels kind of performative to me.

I recently shaved my head because I too had a hyper fixation on my looks, and it was all I was able to focus on. If I didn’t see what I wanted in the mirror, it would have ruined my day, and I hated that I felt that way, like my entire worth lied within how I looked. So I shaved my head. And letting go of my hair and not conforming to what society believes is attractive has been extremely freeing. And I challenge you to do the same because when you let go of how people perceive your appearance, you find that there is so much more to yourself than that, and that maybe you overlooked yourself and put it in a bubble. I still take care of myself and still do makeup sometimes because I like it, but I no longer stand in the mirror and criticize what I see. Instead, I journal and think about the things that I am interested in.

I know this sounds cliché and like something you have heard before, but I truly believe being beautiful lies in the energy you have within you and that you give to others. I think people can see your energy, and when you have good energy, good people will see that. Being alone can be hard sometimes, but it’s not a death sentence. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be surrounded by bad energy that brings me down or even worse, being around people that will turn my energy dark. Try and focus on you as a whole rather than just your appearance.

For the past few years, I’ve been living through my imagination (maladaptive dreaming), escaping into fictional worlds, and immersing myself in characters that feel more real to me than actual people. But despite all of that, I haven’t felt content. What I have felt is this deep pit of loneliness. Especially when I’m walking down the street, watching people pass by while I wait for the bus. It’s like the world is moving forward, and I’m just standing still waiting for the a bus that is running late. I don’t know if that analogy makes sense, but that’s just how I feel.

Being alone isn’t always bad, though. There’s a part of me that finds comfort in my own presence, a kind of happiness that only I understand. If someone asked me to recall a time when I felt truly happy, I’d say it was when I watched Hinata Shoyo from Haikyuu!! jump. That moment filled me with such an intense happiness, it gave me an actual pep in my step for two whole days. I wish I could feel that kind of excitement more often. But then, there are days when I lie in bed, unable to move, unable to shower, unable to brush my teeth… just lying there and rotting away.

I tell myself I want to meet people, but maybe that’s just me living in Delulu land, because the truth is, I live in a way that feels safe. A way that accommodates my anxiety. Unfortunately, my anxiety dictates my life, it tells me what I can do or limits me in a way that makes me hate myself almost, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to take control, starting with this blog.For a long time, I thought nothing I did mattered or was good enough. But recently, I went to a museum I thought, What’s so inspiring about me? What’s interesting enough to appeal to anyone? But then I went to a museum and saw paintings that, to me, felt… mediocre (I can’t really find the appeal of modern art, maybe I’m not looking at the right pieces.). Yet, they were still in a museum. Someone saw them and thought they deserved to be displayed. And that’s why I’m putting myself out there. Even if I feel average, maybe someone out there will find my blog even just a tiny bit appealing.