Just out

Successful man and woman!

2018-06-25T20:35:00.000+05:30

It takes considerable knowledge just to realise the extent of your own ignorance!

Weather forecast for tonight: dark!

A successful man is one who makes more money than what his wife could spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

Source: Internet

Hangout!

2018-06-23T19:55:00.003+05:30

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar!

Be stupid, be funny, be dumb, if that's who you are.
Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid.
so be yourself.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of taking rest before getting tired!

I can resist anything except temptation!

I found there was only one way to look thin... hangout with fat people!

Source: Internet

Bermuda Triangle!

2018-05-17T17:03:00.004+05:30

If only women could read minds,
every second man gets slapped!

My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle,
Information goes in and it's never found again!

Wise men talk because they have something to say
Fools talk because they have to say something!

Don't take life too seriously
You will never get out of it alive!

Source: Internet

Fake sleep!

2018-05-16T15:29:00.002+05:30

I am sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid;
I really thought you already know.

A day without coffee is like....
Just kidding, I don't know!

When you fake sleep to help your toddler sleep,
Then you wake up from a 4-hour nap!

Source: Internet

I never make the same mistake twice...!

2018-05-13T21:52:00.000+05:30

87% of youngsters are suffering from back pain.

It's the people who try to be clever, who never are;
the people who are clever, never think of trying to be.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five or six times, just to be sure.

My room is not really messy it's an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice!

Source: Internet

Some people are like clouds...!

2018-05-10T20:53:00.001+05:30

Some people are like clouds, when they disappear it is a beautiful day!

I like when you smile... but I love it when I'm the reason!

Some times I wonder how you put up with me...then when I remember how I put up with with you, So we are even.

There are 2 types of people in the world.
1. Those who understand and appreciate sarcasm
2. Idiots

Source: Internet

Left a million dollars under the...!

2018-04-10T17:25:00.002+05:30

When I die, I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under the ..."

You will never know a woman until she is drunk and nasty with you!

What do people do with the time they save writing "K" instead of "OK"?

Be extremely careful while you follow the Masses, often M may be silent!

If only closed minds come with closed mouths...!

Source: Internet

Wine and woman!

2018-04-08T18:39:00.002+05:30

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please!

Wine is a constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company!

A woman's mind is clearer than that man's because she changes it more often!

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone!

Lead us not into temptation; just tell us where it is, we will find it!

Source: Internet

Cannibals and clowns!

2018-03-27T21:30:00.000+05:30

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi!

Why did the farmer win an award?
He was outstanding in his field!

Why did a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken Sedan!

Source: Internet

Russian porn!

2018-03-26T14:31:00.000+05:30

What does Russian porn get you?
Russian porn gets me Soviet!

What is the difference between snowman and snow-woman?
Snowballs!

What do you call a fake spaghetti?
An im-pasta!

What did the yoga teacher say when her landlord tried to evict her?
Namaste!

Source: Internet

Smart replies!

2018-03-25T22:13:00.004+05:30

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic!

What do you call a factory that sells good quality products?
A SatisFactory!

What did one tomato tell the other tomato during a running race?
Ketchup!

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships!

What do you call birds that stick together?
Vel-Crows!

Source: Internet

The duck in drug store!

2018-01-26T22:27:00.001+05:30

A duck walks into a drug store and asks for a tube of ChapStick.
The store assistant locates the tube and informs the duck that the tube costs $1.29.
The duck replies, "Okay. Put it on my bill."

Jack and Joe went to a forest for hunting. When they were chasing an animal, Joe keeled over . Jack was panicky and dialed 911 for help. He said in a shivering voice, "My friend suddenly dropped dead. What am I supposed to do now?"
A soothing voice at the other end said, "Don't worry, I can help. First of all make sure that your friend is dead."
There was a brief silence and a gun shot was heard by the operator. Jack picked up the phone once again and said, "Okay, what do I do now?"

Source: Readers' Digest
.

St. Peter and the HMO Manager!

2018-01-22T22:39:00.002+05:30

Two doctors and a HMO Manager die and wait at the entrance of Pearly Gate for an interview with St. Peter.
The first doctor, a pediatrician, meets St. Peter and states that he has saved the lives of a lot of poor children in his country. St. Peter asks him to enter Heaven.
The other doctor says, "I am a psychiatrist and I have helped thousands of people lead a peaceful life." St. Peter allows him in.
The third person, a HMO Manager states, "I got countless families cost-effective healthcare."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter, but you can stay here for just 3 days. Thereafter you will go to Hell!"

A young man called the directory for assistance. "Hello, I would like the telephone number of Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings of that name in Phoenix, Arizona", replied the operator. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated for a while and said, "Well, most of the people call me Ice Man."

The owner of a cinema theatre in New York City passed away at the age of 65. A newspaper published the following message about his funeral:
"The funeral will be held on Wednesday at 2:15 pm, 4:30 pm, 6:45 pm and 9:00 pm."

Source: Readers' Digest

Jokers jokes!

2018-01-21T21:50:00.001+05:30

CRICKET ISN'T our national sport; hockey is. Which is weird, because whenever I see a dude with a hockey stick, my first thought is never, "Wow, this man will make our country proud." It's always "He's going to thrash somebody." TANMAY BHAT, comedian, AIB

I WAS ONCE INVITED to entertain at an anniversary. When I reached the venue, a man led me to the function. "Ladies and gentlemen," he announced. "MrRajuSrivastav. It's going to be a memorable night." After regaling the audience for nearly an hour, when I reached the hotel's lobby, another man came up to me and said angrily, "We've been looking for you for an hour!"

"I have just entertained your guests!" I exclaimed, only to realize that I'd been tricked into performing at the wrong function. Comedian RAJU SRIVASTAV

A man is on the phone with someone. "I have to go," he says. "I'm getting a better call." ANUVAB PAL, stand-up comedian and screenwriter, on his favourite cartoon from The New Yorker
A MAN SENT in 10 entries to a joke competition. He didn't win. No pun intended.
ASHISH SHAKYA, comedian, AIB. "I saw this joke in Reader's Digest when I was around 10 years old. I thought, 'Oh, this is the best thing I've ever read in my life.'"

Source: Readers' Digest

Invent a new word!

2018-01-20T22:53:00.001+05:30

Can you tell me what is the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't really know. But the flag is a Big Plus!

Can you invent a new word?
Plagiarism!

Have you heard about a mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them!

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every play has a cast.
Did you hear about an actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage!

Source: Readers' Digest

Email message and meaning!

2018-01-19T22:33:00.003+05:30

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

Source: Internet

Fly killer!

2018-01-15T21:56:00.001+05:30

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

—by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

Recording on an Australian tax help line

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California

Courtesy: Readers' Digest

Desserter!

2018-01-11T15:21:00.001+05:30

The patient was very nervous as it was the first surgery he underwent.
The anesthetist gave him confidence with a few words of kindness and added, " Sir please rest assured that everything will go well. If at all your life is endangered, it will be because of the anesthesia administered and definitely not by the surgery!"

Q: What do you call a person who doesn't stick to his diet?
A: A desserter!

Woman to pharmacist: "Can you give some vitamin tablets for my son?"
Pharmacist: "Vitamin A, B, C or D?"
Woman: "It doesn't really matter. You give me any one of these tablets. My son can't read!"

Source: Readers' Digest

Christmas chores!

2018-01-04T17:40:00.004+05:30

Q: What do reindeer say before they crack a joke?
A: This will sleigh you!

Q: Why did the couple get hitched on December 24?
A: Because they could have a Married Christmas!

Q: How do you lift a frozen car?
A: With a Jack Frost!

Q: Which holiday mascot has the least spare change?
A: St. Nickel-less!

Q: Why didn't Rudolph get good report card?
A: Because he went down in History!

Source: Readers Digest

Blonde and the brain cell!

2017-12-19T16:34:00.003+05:30

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."
The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains."
And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!”

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?”

What do you call a blonde with one brain cell? Intelligent! ”
“What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant!!”

Source: Internet

Talent and God's gift!

2017-12-18T20:09:00.001+05:30

Difference between talent and God gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hours on many subjects. This is talent
A woman can give lecture for 2 hour without any subject - this is a God gift!

Wife: What is the spelling of Happiness
Husband: U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

Kid: My teacher is cute and beautiful.
Dad: Son, teacher is like mother.
Kid: Selfish, you always think o your self.

What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?
When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

Child : With report card in hand..
Mother: So whats your final grade?
Child : Underwater
Mother : what does that mean?
Child: Below C LEVEL (Sea.. you know..)

Kld : (returning from his match in his floor) "Mom", can I have an apple?
Mom: Baby, you just ate one.
Kid: An apple a day keeps the doctor away and I just broke his window.

Source: Internet

Faithful dog!

2017-12-17T19:27:00.002+05:30

Before getting into the surgery room, I left a note for my surgeon to be more cautious and careful while performing the surgery.
After the surgery I found a note from the doctor on my table which read: "I have left my cellphone somewhere. Founder may please contact me..."!

How does the lawyer name his baby daughter?
"Sue...!"

In a pet shop, the seller glorifies the specialties of his dog to a prospective buyer. "It is a faithful dog. I have sold this to eleven customers in the past. It remained with each customer for a year and came back to me without fail at the end of the year!"

Life in a nutshell!

2017-11-09T20:43:00.000+05:30

*What is LIFE*?

To understand life better, you have to go to 3 locations :

1. Hospital
2. Prison
3. Cemetery

At the Hospital, you will understand that nothing is more beautiful than HEALTH.

In the Prison, you'll see that FREEDOM is the most precious thing.

At the Cemetery, you will realize that life is worth nothing. The ground that we walk today will be our roof tomorrow.

Source: Internet

Women or handguns!

2017-11-05T17:14:00.000+05:30

TOP 10 REASONS

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Source: Internet

Blonde men jokes!

2017-11-03T21:06:00.005+05:30

After Donald Trump, the world is wondering if it is the blonde men, not women, who are actually a bit dumber. They collected these true stories of blonde men

---------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."

-----------------------

A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

----------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

-----------------------

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck," says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

----------------------

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "Dude, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

---------------------

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

---------------------

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

---------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on ALL OF YOU because I wasn't even at home yesterday !"

Source: Internet

Just out

Successful man and woman!

Hangout!

Bermuda Triangle!

Fake sleep!

I never make the same mistake twice...!

Some people are like clouds...!

Left a million dollars under the...!

Wine and woman!

Cannibals and clowns!

Russian porn!

Smart replies!

The duck in drug store!

St. Peter and the HMO Manager!

Jokers jokes!

Invent a new word!

Email message and meaning!

How To Translate Work Emails

The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…

Fly killer!

Desserter!

Christmas chores!

Blonde and the brain cell!

Talent and God's gift!

Faithful dog!

Life in a nutshell!

Women or handguns!

Blonde men jokes!