Just Bloggled: When Life Gets a Little Baffling

Old Dogs, Old Joints, Old Bladders

2012-01-23T19:16:00.000-05:00

If you've read my tweets lately, you know I've been dealing with a bit of a mess lately when it comes to my dog Bella, and by mess I mean the wet kind. For the last couple of months, she has been wetting herself in her sleep. Thankfully, it hasn't been an every night thing, and I'm pretty sure the majority of the incontinence came from an ill-advised change in dog food. Since switching back to the more expensive brand, the wetting has become less frequent, but it's still happening. In fact, it happened last night, and I still have a wet king-sized pillow to prove it.

I'm sure part of it has to do with Bella's age. She'll be ten in June so, if she were human, she'd already be a card-carrying member of AARP and visiting area nursing homes. The other part I think has to do with her joints. A lot of times she wets herself when she tries to stand up and she can't quite get her rear legs under her. She had surgery years ago to repair a torn ACL on her back left leg, and ever since then she's struggled with arthritis in that leg. I've noticed recently the arthritis has been getting worse, especially now that it's cold and rainy out.

Bailey has his own issues with arthritis due to a FHO he had on his right back leg not long after I adopted him. I used to give him and Bella a product called Dog Gone Pain, which worked great, but Petsmart stopped carrying it, and truth be told I haven't been that happy with some of the cheaper alternatives I've found. I also haven't been happy with the prescription stuff. One made Bailey stop eating. Another caused Bella to wet herself. A third caused Bella to have a pancreatitis flare up. A fourth made Bella break out in hives. In other words, none seemed really worth the money, risk, or the trip to the vet.

Consequently, I have been trying to manage their arthritis with just baby aspirin. (Yes, my vet said this was okay.) Some days it seems to help. Some days, especially when it's cold and rainy, it doesn't. Luckily, VetDepot.com contacted me recently about trying out one of the joint supplements that they sell on their site, Cosequin DS. Since I'm tired of waking up to my pillow and bed smelling like urine, not to mention seeing my babies limp and in pain, I jumped at the chance to try it out.

For those of you unfamiliar with the product, Cosequin DS is a glucosamine supplement as opposed to a typical pain reliever or NSAID. It contains glucosamine hydrochloride, sodium chondroitin sulfate, and manganese, ingredients that help rebuild cartilage and synovial fluid in the joints. As you can see from the photo, each pill is about the size of a dime, maybe a little larger.

I just started giving Bella and Bailey the products on Saturday night so they're on the start up dose. For Bailey, I give him half a pill in the morning and half at night. For Bella, who weighs more, I give one whole pill in the morning and one at night. After a four to six week period, I can switch them to the maintenance dose, which is half the start up dosage.

The pills have been easy to break apart. Given their size, I was a bit scared to give Bella a whole one at once. As you all may know when it comes to Bella, if she can break, tear, choke, or otherwise get hurt on something, she will, so to be safe I break hers in half, and then I break Bailey's halves in half. That way they each get two "treats" twice a day.

It looks like from the ingredients that the pills are roast beef and garlic flavored. I don't know if the dogs like the flavor because I learned a long time ago that, no matter what flavor is listed on the bottle, my dogs won't swallow a pill unless it's covered in something. I can't afford Pill Pockets right now, and the dogs have figured out how to eat hot dogs and cheese from around the pill, so my pill hider of choice these days is peanut butter. It sticks to the meds so well that, if the dogs want the peanut butter, they have to eat the meds, too.

So far the dogs have taken Cosequin without incident. They love peanut butter, so I would assume they see the supplements as their twice daily, peanut buttery treat. They definitely get excited when I say, "Medicine!" and come running for it. Since it takes several weeks for glucosamine chondroitin supplements to kick in, I can't say yet if they supplements are working. I'll have to update this post in a few weeks to let you know that, but my fingers are definitely crossed. I'll owe a big thanks to VetDepot.com if they do.

Now speaking of that wet pillow, I suppose I should go stick it in the wash before it permanently smells like urine, huh?

FTC Disclosure: While VetDepot.com provided me with the joint supplements, the opinions expressed above are all mine.

I Ain't Afraid of No Ghosts

2011-10-31T22:49:00.000-04:00

Here is a little gem that happened to me a few weeks ago that, while it won't scare you, may at least make you laugh on Halloween.

My sister calls me. I answer, figuring it was the same old, same old. Our grandmother is driving her crazy. Our father is driving her crazy. Our stepmother is a gold-digging skank. She has a headache and therefore must be dying of an aneurysm. You know, the norm. Instead, she tells me this: "I found hairs in the bathroom."

Me: "Um, okay." (Who doesn't have hairs in the bathroom?)

Her Highness: "Hairs down there."

Me: "You mean pubes?"

Her Highness: "Yes, pubes, all in the sink."

Me: "And you felt the need to tell me this, why?"

Her Highness: "Because a ghost put them there."

(It's a good thing I didn't have Coke in my mouth right then, or I would have ruined my laptop.)

Me: "A ghost? A ghost put pubes in your sink?"

Her Highness: "Yes."

Me: "As opposed to say yourself or Chandler."

Her Highness: "Yes. I know I didn't do it, and Chandler swears right and left he didn't."

Me: "He's 11. He's hitting puberty. Maybe he shaved down there and was too embarrassed to tell you."

Her Highness: "He swears he didn't."

Me: "Are you sure you didn't just throw your razor up there after shaving and forget?"

Her Highness: "Yes, I'm sure."

Me: "Maybe Chandler and his classmates decided to play a practical joke on you."

Her Highness: "Why would they do that?"

Me: "Because they're boys, and they're inherently gross."

Her Highness: "He swears he didn't. I'm telling you, it's a ghost. It's probably the same one Chain Smoking Granny keeps hearing in the kitchen."

Me: "That's not a ghost. That's Jesus or Elvis or whoever the voices are in her head. I told you she imagined me standing in the doorway twice at Christmas and calling her a bitch."

Her Highness: "But maybe she didn't imagine it. Maybe it was a ghost doing it."

Me: "I was right down the hall. Don't you think I would have heard the ghost calling her a bitch and have clapped or at least given it a high five?"

Her Highness: "Not if you weren't paying attention."

Me: "What about the dogs? In the horror movies, the dogs always sense the ghost first."

Her Highness: "Well maybe they didn't this time. I bet you it was Mama or Ese." (Ese is what we called our great grandmother)

Me: "Were the hairs red?"

Her Highness: "No."

Me: "Then it wasn't Ese's hair."

Her Highness: "How do you know they were red?"

Me: "I don't, but she was a natural redhead so I'm just assuming the carpet matched the drapes."

Her Highness: "Fine, if they weren't Ese's, then they were Mama's."

Me: "First of all, Mama died in her own house. Watch a few movies. Ghosts tend to haunt the places they died in."

Her Highness: "So? Maybe she's so pissed at the way Chain Smoking Granny has been treating us, she decided to haunt her house instead."

Me: "Ok, so then why pubes? Do you think our dead mother has nothing better to do as a ghost than to break out the Nair and groom herself down there?"

Her Highness: "Maybe."

Me: "Oh...my...god..."

Her Highness: "So maybe it wasn't Mama, but it was a ghost. I know it was. Nothing else makes sense."

Me: "That's right. There's no other rational explanation than your bathroom is haunted by a ghost who wants to maintain her Brazilian in the afterlife."

I had all I could take of my sister's nonsense at that point so I hung up and spent the next hour shaking my head at how I could be related to someone so stupid. Now don't get me wrong. I don't discount the possibility of ghosts. Heck, to this day I'm still too scared to go into a dark bathroom, look into the mirror, and say Bloody Mary five times. However, what I do discount are ghosts who leave their pubes all over the bathroom sink. Let's see that show up on an episode of Ghost Hunters, and then we'll talk. Until then, all I can do is laugh and hope that, if I'm wrong, the poor ghost didn't end up with a bitchin' case of razor burn.

So Now I'm One of Those People

2011-10-18T15:40:00.000-04:00

It seems I am now officially one of those people. You know the clueless few who are always technologically behind the rest of the world, like the ones who use flip phones instead of iPhones or program VCRs instead of DVRs. Well, considering I have been doing those things for years now, I guess it was official a long time ago. I just got a reminder yesterday.

I had another Charter Communications service call yesterday morning. My cable keeps freezing up and cutting out so I thought maybe the connector had come loose again at the junction box or whatever that green thing down the street is called. That's all that was wrong last time. Before the cable guy checked that though, he ran a check on my modem to see how my signals were doing. This is the modem he saw:

And this is what he said with a laugh: "Wow, I haven't seen one of those in awhile."

Yes, apparently my Surfboard SB4200 modem is a dinosaur. I've had it since 2003, maybe even earlier. I can't really remember when I bought it. I just know that I've had it awhile. I know that I probably need a new one, a black one that matches all the newer electronics, but I just can't say goodbye to this one yet. I've had it longer than I've had one of my dogs. It still works. I can stream movies and play games with it. I get faster internet speeds with it than I'm paying for. So why do I need a new one? I guess because it dates me. Well, so do a lot of things, like my love for 80's music and my preference for the original Karate Kid and Footloose, but don't even get me started on the topic of remakes. I could go on for hours.

For what it's worth the guy from Charter said my signals were fine, although he kept trying to talk me into buying a new modem. In turn, I took notes on his recommendations right in front of the old dinosaur, which is why today I feel really bad for my modem. If modems had feelings and could do things like talk, this one would probably be calling around asking for Botox treatments and a lunchtime lift just to impress me. I feel like I need to give it a pep talk now and tell it that I don't care that it's old or a strange shade of off-white. I just care that it works. I feel like maybe I should even name it and give it a bedazzled makeover just so it makes it another year or two. Then I can introduce it to my Gameboy Advance so it doesn't feel so lonely.

Yes, that still works, too.

Columbus Day Sale

2011-10-10T13:41:00.000-04:00

Over at Blogging Bella, I'm having a Columbus Day sale. 10% off all prices this week only.

As for here, I have some posts in mind. I just haven't had time to write them yet. Sorry about that.

Here is Where I Beg

2011-07-28T13:38:00.001-04:00

I have to pay at least the inactive bar dues by Monday or incur a $75 late fee. If I don't get them paid by September 1, my license to practice law gets suspended altogether, which of course doesn't help my job prospects at all. So, in light of that, I have been holding a sale this week on Blogging Bella Designs--10% off of everything. So far no one has taken advantage of it though.

Cue the begging. If you need a new design of any sorts--Blogger, Wordpress, Facebook, Twitter, a meme button, a logo, whatever--please consider hiring me. Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top. You can get to my site by clicking on that Blog Designs link in the navigation bar.

Thanks.

By the way I'll have real post up later, my dumb brunette moment of the week. You'll see I've topped myself this week.

Take a Memo Monday: It's Been a Long Time

2011-07-25T18:48:00.001-04:00

To: My cable company
From: A frustrated customer
Re: I'm not crazy

I know you probably think I have some kind of Munchausen by Cable Syndrome and that I therefore keep faking my cable problems for attention. I don't, and I haven't. They're real. Just because they seem to magically disappear when you're here doesn't mean they don't exist. It just means they're shy. As soon as they go away for good, so will my complaints.

*****************************************************

To: My clumsy cocker
From: A broke dog mom
Re: Your inability to stop tripping over your own feet

Please, Bella, work on the balance. We've been off the vet's frequent flier list for awhile now. I really don't want to go back on it. I can't afford it. What do you say we try doggy ballet or yoga tomorrow?

Meanwhile, if you could stop screaming at ear-splitting decibels every time I'm out of your sight for 5 seconds, that would be great, too.

*****************************************************

To: The Mighty Mister
From: A tired dog mom
Re: Your hiked leg

Enough already. Please, for the love of all things furry, lower that leg and stop marking everything your sister has ever breathed on. I know she's your bitch. You don't have to piss on the world for me to know it. One more time, and I'm replacing your bladder with a Ziploc bag.

Oh, and the toilet paper is not food.

*****************************************************

To: The tree out front
From: The woman who waters you
Re: The thinness on top

Can you please stop going bald? Only one of us can be thin up top, and while I prefer that it would be you, the homeowner's association prefers it to be me. I'm just waiting for the nastygram telling me so now.

*****************************************************

To: My homeowner's association
From: An angry homeowner
Re: Whatever you have against me

You've taken the joy out of homeowning. Go pick on someone your own size. Better yet, get a life. I'm sure that's in the covenants somewhere.

*****************************************************

To: My family
From: Someone who's about to start charging you by the hour
Re: Your communication issues

I am not your secretary. I am not your switchboard operator. I am not even your mediator. If you want to speak to each other, pick up the phone and call each other directly. Better yet, speak to each other in person. Otherwise, I'm going to start charging you by the hour.

Oh, and another thing, and this time I'm talking directly to you, Chain Smoking Granny. An electricity bill is NOT a valid reason to call the cops every month and tell them that your granddaughter is plotting your murder because you think it's a good way to blackmail said granddaughter into paying the bill. Sooner or later, the cops are going to stop responding, and the granddaughter is going to sue the living crap out of you for slander or have you committed, and I'm going to help. Hope you enjoy the free electricity in that padded room.

*****************************************************

To: The universe
From: Me
Re: Murphy's Law

I had enough law in law school. I don't need anymore, even Murphy's version, so please, put away the voodoo doll, take away the hex, and align the moon and stars correctly. I would like to have just one week, one, where something doesn't break, blow up, disintegrate, or die on me. Pretty please? I'll be your best friend. I'll even let you spam me on Twitter.

Thanks.

Good Riddance Then

2011-07-24T18:13:00.001-04:00

I just love it when a company's true colors come out. I really do. The customer is always right? Yeah, that's about as ancient as Stonehinge and acid washed jeans. First amendment? Never heard of that either, not in this country. A customer being rightly angry? Nope, not allowed.

I got a lovely reply from BlogCatalog on Twitter, and by lovely I don't mean fluffy white clouds and puppy dog kisses. The reply basically said stay out of BlogCatalog; I wasn't wanted. Well, gladly.

I've read through some of their responses anyway in Get Satisfaction as to why they're kicking people out. Have pictures on your blog? Well, you better cite the source, even if you paid for them, or they're kicking you to the curb. Ever wrote a product review or gave away a book? You're gone too. That makes you a splog. Don't update every day because you have a job, kids, a death in the family, or other things in your life preventing it? Bye bye. And so on and so on. Basically, in a few months there won't be anyone left in BlogCatalog for it to matter.

Right now I feel about BlogCatalog the way I felt about Entrecard when they shut down the forums, closed the blog's comments, and told people they could no longer choose what ads went on their blogs. Some things are just signs that it's time to go. Granted, I got kicked out here, and I left on my own accord with Entrecard, but still, it was obviously time. Actually it was time when the BlogCatalog visitors widget kept redirecting my blog last year, but I digress.

Besides, there are plenty of blog listings out there. I still haven't joined Fuel My Blog, BlogFrog, or Blogher, among others. Maybe I'll join them. Maybe I won't, but I won't let BlogCatalog tell me my blog isn't worthy enough to do so. I've seen splogs. I've seen poorly written blogs. I've even seen both in BlogCatalog, so I know better. Maybe this blog will never win a Pulitzer, but at least it entertains a few of you, and for me that's enough.

Meanwhile, I feel like breaking all the admissions guidelines. Spam isn't allowed on BlogCatalog so here's some of the forbidden fruit, er, I mean meat:

Doesn't it look yummy? (True confession: I have yet to be brave enough to actually try that stuff. I think I'm scared my tongue will fall off.)

Porn isn't allowed either, so I'll give you porn:

Yes, fly sex makes me very, very hot. It also makes me want to run to Walmart and buy fly paper.

I'm sure adult language is forbidden as well so meet my ass:

I'm thinking of naming him Leroy. I'm hoping he cuts down on my grass cutting time, and of course you've all met my bitch and my bastard:

As for forbidden sponsorship, this post to you is brought to you by

by Justin Timberlake's Cry Me a River, and by my other site, Blogging Bella Designs, which is also about to get all it's BlogCatalog links removed.

So I'm No Longer Good Enough for BlogCatalog

2011-07-24T13:58:00.004-04:00

There's nothing like being livid to make a person finally get back to updating their blog, and livid is what I am right now. I'm not even sure livid covers it. Years ago, and I do mean years, BlogCatalog approved this blog for listing in their directory. Today I get a rejection email saying my blog has been declined.

Now I know I haven't been updating much lately. I have been working on other people's blogs so much that I haven't had time, and when I have had time, quite frankly I've been in such a grumpy mood that I didn't want to take out said mood on everyone who reads and/or follows me. But no more. If updates is what BlogCatalog wants, then updates is what it's going to get.

Of course, I don't even know that updates is the problem. They did not give me a reason for the rejection; they just said that it was. Is it because the Google Gods lowered my PR by 1 notch? Surely that can't be it because they approved me originally when my PR was 0. Is it because my last post advertised my sale on Blogging Bella Designs? Surely me saying, "Hey, if you want a design, visit my OTHER site" doesn't suddenly turn a blog into a non-blog, so that can't be it, and if it is it, well, quite frankly, the people at BlogCatalog are idiots.

So what else? I have the BlogCatalog link over in the sidebar. Have for years. I don't have porn on here, although at this moment I'm tempted to write every online adult site I can find and offer to review products for them just to prove a point. I'm not a spammer. I don't use this site soley for commercial purposes unless "solely for commercial purposes" suddenly translates into "bitching about my screwed up family." Lord, I wish I could make money off of that. Have I done sponsored posts before? Hell, yeah, but who hasn't, and I have a disclosure policy posted for all the world to see as to that effect. Is that all I do? No. If it was, I wouldn't have over 200 followers. So what else is in the email? I'm not brand new. I've been around since May 2008. I'm not lacking in content. Yeah, I took a break, but that break was a hell of a lot shorter than the break I took when my mom died 2 years ago, and BlogCatalog had no problem with that. There is no typo in my url. So please, someone tell me, why am I no longer good enough?

Maybe BlogCatalog hates my color scheme, in which case I think it says a lot about you if you hate the color yellow. Maybe they don't get snark and sarcasm. Well, as someone once told me, it takes intelligence to get both.. Maybe they're being a bunch of facists assholes, summarily dismissing a blog they approved years ago when it had far less followers and far less content. I don't know, but I do know this. I am livid, and I'm blogging again.

Blog Design Sale

2011-06-15T16:32:00.000-04:00

Over at Blogging Bella, I'm having a Father's Day sale on blog, Twitter, and Facebook designs. I do both Blogger and Wordpress so if you've been looking for a new design, now is a good time to place an order. It's 10% off regular prices, new orders only.

As for Just Bloggled, I haven't forgotten about it. Maybe I'll do a real update one day this week.

A Face Full of Fun

2011-05-03T19:07:00.001-04:00

I need one of these:

After the last two weeks, I need one so badly I'm thinking of starting one of those Amazon wish lists with one on it and linking to it and my sidebar. Until I do, I may have to settle for one of these:

At least I can get them at the dollar store.

Why do I need a mask? Well, it's not because the dogs' gas is so bad it could melt the paint off the walls, although it is and it could. I need it to cut grass.

Now I know what you're thinking. A mask? Who wears a gas mask to cut the grass? Wouldn't it be easier and heck of a lot more stylish to just pop a Benadryl before I get out there? Well, you're right. It would be, but allergies aren't my problem. Okay, they are my problem, but they're not the problem this post is about. Poo is. Wet, mushy, airborne poo.

For two weeks now, I have been showered in it when I cut the backyard. I don't just mean a splash here or there on my jeans or a big clump on my old Nikes. I'm talking about getting it in my hair, on my face, and up my nose. I'm talking about looking like Two-Faced from Batman, only having feces in lieu of scars. I'm talking about screams that can be heard miles away. I'm talking about testing the limits of my gag reflex I'm talking about trading in the dogs for two constipated cats. That's what I'm talking about.

I suppose I could just pooper scoop the backyard before I cut, but it wouldn't do a bit of good. It never fails that 30 seconds after I finish picking up the last pile, Tweetle Poopy and Tweetle DooDoo deposit two new presents in the backyard. More often than not, they hide these gifts between two weeds so that I don't see them until I get a face full of fun. Yes, fun, because nothing spells fun like smelling and looking like the Tidy Bowl Monster. Nothing.

So yes, I want a gas mask. I need a gas mask. Better yet, I need a paved in backyard. As I'm sure that violates my subdivision's covenants, I may just have to feed the dogs lots and lots of cheese. Let's just hope they're not lactose intolerant.

I'm Ready for Another Makeover

2011-05-03T18:34:00.000-04:00

I'm getting bored with my blog design again. Scratch that. I have been bored with it for awhile, but since I'm not doing posts nearly as much as I used to, I haven't really been inspired to change it. I also haven't had much time. I seem to be doing other people's designs from the time I get up until the time I go to bed, seven days a week. The only way I can squeeze myself into my own design queue is to not sleep at all. Not that I haven't thought of that.

I have also been thinking that this time around I need more of a logo and not just some stock vector image slapped up there. I guess I have been thinking about that more and more as I do logos for people who in turn are looking to advertise their blogs via business cards, sticker printing, and the like. I'm not sure who I would ever give a card, sticker, or magnet to. I don't think I have enough regular readers who would care to have one, but I would like the option to provide one if asked, and right now the option to license the image above would cost too much.

Plus the girl could look like me a little more. The hair length and glasses are close, but I'd really like her to have curly hair and to lose the suit. I hate business suits. Hate. They're just too conservative and the extra set of sleeves make me nuts. Go figure I went to law school then. That right there ought to have told me law school was a bad career choice.

I also want to redo Blogging Bella Designs' logo so that the sites are kind of tied together. What I have in mind in a drawing of Bella with a paintbrush in her mouth or maybe with a computer mouse since it's graphic design. Since the site has her name in it, I figured that I would make her the mascot, and then I could tie in both Bella and Bailey on this site, like I have now, just a more spruced up version.

Unfortunately, that's where my ideas run out. Tie in the dogs and make it so I can get business cards, stickers, magnets, t-shirts, or whatever promotional materials I want made one day. That's it. It's funny I can come up with ideas for other sites, but my brain shuts down when it comes to my own. So if any of you have any suggestions on what I should draw the dogs doing on this site, please leave a comment. Maybe your ideas will get my creative juices flowing again.

Rainy Days & My Dogs Don't Mix

2011-03-29T22:55:00.000-04:00

The weather has been rainy here for the past few days, and surprise, surprise, the wonder twins refuse to get their feet wet. They'll go out, mind you. In fact, they can't wait to step onto the porch and bark at something--stray cats, the cord to the neighbor's DirectTV blowing in the wind, a leaf on the ground, you name it. However, the porch is as far as they'll go.

Bella occasionally gets brave and will pee under the eaves of the house, but Bailey won't do anything but mark the porch post. It's as if they have seen The Wizard of Oz one too many times and think they're going to melt if their toes touch the wet ground. The funny thing is they have yet to apply that logic to snow. Snow they love, even though their feet get equally as wet, but rain is their doggy Kryptonite. It's kind of ridiculous.

So guess what I get to do several times a day? Clean up poo and change my socks every time I step on a wet spot. So guess how many clean socks I have left? None, unless you count the trouser socks in my drawer, and after tomorrow you won't even be able to count them.

(Yes, I'll be the fool wearing the bright orange trouser socks that say Happy Halloween. Won't I be all kinds of cute?)

There is no point of cleaning the carpet until it stops raining. I would just have to turn around and clean it again. I'm okay with that, as I'm becoming immune to the smell of poo and pee. I'm just not so sure everyone else is okay with that. I guess we'll see the next time I have to go to the Dollar Tree and the clerk scrunches her nose up at me. I will have then officially become the smelly, old dog lady at 35. At least that will make me successful at something.

See, I can find a silver lining...

I Could Use Some Prescription Sunglasses

2011-03-29T22:42:00.000-04:00

I have been wearing my glasses full time for the first time in my life this past year. I have been wearing contacts since the sixth grade, but I have never had to wear my glasses full time until now. It's not really a fashion choice. It's more of a I'm-too-broke-to-blow-$50-on-contacts choice.

I'm learning new things as I go along, like have a cleaning cloth on hand when it rains and dog saliva smears like crazy. I learned a new lesson last week--sunny days aren't fun. Sure, I could start a fire with my glasses on sunny days, but if I'm driving somewhere and the sun is in my eyes, I can no longer reach over and grab my sunglasses. I have to squint. Squinting isn't fun. Just ask the wrinkles around my eyes.

I need prescription sunglasses. I want prescription sunglasses. After reading this article about Zenni Optical on WZZM 13's website, Super Saver: Buying Glasses Online, and watching the video included with the article, I think I might be able to get some, as soon as I have a few dollars to spend on something other than bills and food. Zenni Optical offers prescription glasses at low prices, starting at $6.95 including lenses. Do you want to know what I paid for my glasses and lenses together? Oh, around $200.

This pair isn't too far removed from my current sunglasses, the ones collecting dust in the bottom of my purse.

My current ones don't have flowers on the side, but for $9.95 I can live with that. Zenni Optical is your smart choice for prescription sunglasses because they only charge $4.95 to tint the glasses and another $4.95 for shipping. So basically for what I'd pay for a regular pair of sunglasses at Target or Marshall's, I can get a set I can actually see clearly out of on a sunny day. Plus, at $20, as opposed to the $200 I paid for my normal glasses, I won't feel so bad if I sit on them, drop them, lose them at the beach, etc. I'm clumsy, and I lose everything I touch so those things could very well happen.

Some other added benefits of ordering prescription glasses from Zenni Optical are all the freebies you get--an antiscratch coating on your lenses, a glass case, a lens cloth, UV protection, and regular 1.57 index lenses. Special lenses like bifocals cost extra, but luckily I'm not that blind yet...yet. You can also try the glasses on virtually using Zenni Optical's Zenni Frame Fit. Just upload your picture, choose your glasses, and Frame Fit will show you how you should look. I say should because I have one ear higher than the other so I would still have to go somewhere to get mine fitted to match the virtual me, but for the price I'm okay with that.

Now that I have found the glasses and the site, I just need one more thing--the $20 to buy them. Cross your fingers for me that I'll have that soon because the cost of Botox for all the lines I'm going to get from squinting is going to be so much more.

This post is brought to you by your friends at ZenniOptical.com.

Worst...Mom...Ever

2011-03-22T15:00:00.000-04:00

It has been nearly two weeks, and I still feel like the worst mom ever. Why? I slept through Barforama. Not this Barforama mind you:

But the one involving my two dogs.

Now for a little background as to why I slept through it. For the past few months, Bella, my cocker spaniel, has acted like she is deathly afraid of Bailey, my chihuahua. One minute they'll be chasing each other around the house like there is no pack hierarchy and they love each other. The next Bella will be too scared to walk by Bailey without me escorting her safely past. Quite frankly, her sudden timidness is making me nuts. I wish she would just realize she outweighs him by a good 15 to 20 lbs, sit on him, and be done with it.

The day of the Barforama, which I believe was two Wednesdays ago, Bailey was definitely asserting his alphaness, if that's even a word. The entire day any time Bella would walk past him, he would fly off his dog bed, nip at her front feet, and then return to his bed. Consequently, when Barforama began, I had no idea barf was even involved. I thought Bella was just scared of Bailey lying next to her in bed.

I think it was about 2 a.m. when we went to bed that night. I had been working on a blog design and could barely keep my eyes open. I was exhausted. I almost fell asleep when my head hit the pillow...almost. About five minutes after I laid my head down, Bailey sat down next to Bella, and Bella almost immediately jumped off the pillow next to me and sat on my head. Yes, on my head.

I should have turned the lights on. I should have seen why she she suddenly thought my head made a great place to sleep, but I was too tired. Instead, I ordered her back to her side. She didn't budge. I tried pushing her off me and the pillow. She budged an inch or two, but that's it. I spent a good five minutes telling her that Bailey wasn't going to kill her if she moved over, that he loved her, and that Mommy was getting very, very mad that she couldn't go to sleep. Surprisingly that didn't work either. I had to basically pick her up and deposit her on the pillow. She wasn't happy about it. That much I could tell in the dark, but she didn't move again until morning.

And oh, that morning. I got up, turned on the lights to take her out, and saw why it was that she had jumped on my head. She wasn't afraid of Bailey. She was showered in his puke. Bailey had basically gotten up, walked over to her, spewed enough vomit to cover a both a dog and king sized pillow, and went to sleep. And what did I do? I made her sleep in it.

Like I said. Worst...Mom...Ever.

My poor Bella. She was covered in chunks of undigested dog food. It was in her ears. It was stuck to her face. It was stuck to her feet. It was stuck anywhere it could stick. The fur on her stomach, meanwhile, had soaked up the yellow bile. She looked like she had had a bad dye job, and the smell...Oh, god, the smell. Sour doesn't even begin to describe it.

And the look on her face...Let's just say if I actually owned a dog house, I would have been sleeping in it for days, maybe even weeks. I had to hose her off before I even took her out, and then I still had to bathe her later, and the apologies... Let's just say I felt so guilty I would have blown my entire grocery budget on flowers if I thought they would have made a difference.

Two weeks later, I still feel guilty. Needless to say, I have learned my lesson. Next time one of the dogs uses my head for a pillow, there's probably a good reason and I should turn on the lights.

Now excuse me while I go polish my Worst Mom Ever trophy.

I Miss Jewelry and My Misplaced Fashion Sense

2011-03-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

I wish you could see how I'm dressed today. I would take a picture, but the batteries in my camera are going dead again. Suffice it to say, I could be dressed better. My purple t-shirt, which at one point looked nice, is faded and stretched out to the point where it's more unflattering than flattering. My once black jeans are now gray, and I don't have a single piece of jewelry on.

That has been a trend with me for awhile, unfortunately, the lack of jewelry thing, one I know I should change. In high school and junior high, I always wore jewelry. Back then it was the late 80's and early 90's so I had an entire wardrobe of colorful, if not altogether kooky, earrings, rings, bracelets, and necklaces. They weren't expensive mind you. I was a Claire's girl through and through, but they were quite varied.

Then I ended up in the hospital with antibiotic-associated colitis and left with a lovely parting gift--an ugly tracheotomy scar on my neck. I was so scared that necklaces would draw just that much more attention to the red, raised skin, I officially retired my necklace wardrobe. A few months later I went to college and discovered that the kooky jewelry phase was so five minutes ago. I had to trade in the bright and cheery for the simple and silver to avoid weird looks on campus.

After college came law school. Law school was exhausting. I was lucky if I found time to put on a watch, let alone earrings. Then came the soul-sucking clerkship at a court, where conservative looks were expected. My jewelry got paired down more and more until I basically ended up where I am now--virtually jewelry-less.

I miss jewelry. More importantly, I miss colorful jewelry like the Murano Glass jewelry pictured above. I think I'm still a little too paranoid about my tracheotomy scar to try a murano glass necklace. Thanks to countless tubes of Mederma, the scar is no longer as red and as raised as it was in 1994, but I still feel like I can't wear necklaces because of it. Maybe if the shirt I was wearing had just the right neckline, I could take some baby steps and try out a few long murano glass necklaces or some other type of necklace that hung down low (i.e. some necklaces that drew attention to more favorable parts of my body like the twins). Then when I got used to them, I could start raising the length until I was ready to enhance my neck again.

I am up, however, for some new earrings and bracelets. The only problem is I haven't worn anything but silver hoops or balls in so long, I really don't know where to begin. I mean, I could easily walk into JCPenney's, Target, or my old mainstay Claire's, point to something, and say, "Ooh, that's pretty." I'm just not so sure I know how to put it with anything anymore. I think my once fashion forward brain has been fried by one too many conservative suits and sensible pumps.

You know, they should really put warning labels on law school applications. "Warning: if you get accepted, you may lose all sense of fashion, style, and creativity." They should then make you sign an implied consent form that you recognize the risk and are willing to accept it. Just one more thing I wish I had known years ago...

So any suggestions on how to ease back into the jewelry world on a tight, tight, tight budget and a fried fashion sense?

Two Days Left on My 10% Off Sale

2011-03-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I haven't posted this here before now, but I'm having a 10 percent off sale this week over at Blogging Bella Designs. The sale ends Saturday night. The sale is on all design services--Blogger, Wordpress, Twitter, Facebook, and a la carte items--so if you're looking to have something new done, please consider hiring me.

I'll probably be raising my prices soon because when I originally set them, I wasn't sure how long certain things would take me to do, so lock in your low price now!

Sometimes You Just Need the Shirt

2011-03-10T00:27:00.000-05:00

I'm not much of a drinker. Even though I was Greek in college, I can probably count the number of alcoholic drinks I have had on both hands and still have a few fingers left over. Sometimes I wish I was though, if for no reason than being hungover gives you an excuse to, well, look like and feel like warmed over poo.

Monday I had one of those headaches. You know the kind that starts out small but grows to such immense proportions by the end of the day that you're pretty sure your last remaining brain cells have blown up? Yeah, it was one of those, and of course I was out of groceries. Have you ever been to the grocery store when you have a headache? It's not a fun experience. It's loud. It's bright. It smells funny. It's basically a regular barf-fest, but I had to go. Headache or not, I had to eat.

So I went, and let me tell you, I could have used this drinking t-shirt:

At least that way the people in the store would have laughed at me or understood. Instead, all they did was stare at me funny because I didn't look up from the floor. I couldn't. I wanted to, but if I did, I knew what would happen. The overhead fluorescent lighting would cause uncontrollable grimacing (like I don't have enough forehead wrinkles to worry about), spots in my field of vision, and nausea so intense that I would be forced to put my groceries back on the shelf and blow what little money I had on crackers and ginger ale. So I walked through the store, eyes on the ground, a finger constantly pushing up my gravity-inclined glasses, as I tried to grab food without actually looking at it. Good times.

Even the little old redhead, who was finally back at the self-checkout lane, wasn't as nice as she normally was to me. Either my demeanor said, "Back off, lady," or it said, "Contagious. May be contaminated with Ebola." Didn't matter which. Either way she barely could muster a "Have a nice day." It was a good thing I didn't need a price check because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have gotten me one or would have charge me five times as much for whatever it was.

I need to go back tomorrow because I'm out of bread. I just hope I wake up headache free. Otherwise I risk being That Girl, the one all the employees laugh about the minute she leaves the store. Not that I mind being That Girl necessarily. I would just like to save the title until I do something really embarrassing, like knocking over a toilet paper display.

Don't laugh. It will happen one day.

So I Guess I'm an Unpaid Personal Assistant

2011-03-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

Why am I the only person in my family who can keep up with phone numbers? Did I blink and miss the part where I became a one-woman 411? And I'm pretty sure the people who work at 411 get paid. I'm not getting paid a dime. I could use a dime. I could use a lot of dimes.

Once again yesterday I was reminded of how my sister expects me to be her secretary whenever it suits her. Nearly two years later, she is still complaining about some stain on my mom's tombstone. She wants the tombstone company to fix it, but she refuses to keep up with the company's number. I have given her the number more times than I can count, but still every time she wants to call, I'm forced to go through all my business cards and find the one for the company. Now last time I checked, she was at the same meeting I was after our mom died. The man gave us both business cards with his contact info. Why am I the only one who bothered to keep up with it?

And it's not just the tombstone company. It's the numbers for everyone. You name it, she asks me for the number, even though last time I checked I don't live where she lives. I live four hours away. Has she never heard of the Internet? Does she not have a wallet she can put business cards in? Can she not read? OK, that one I really do question. Hence, the reason I have become the official Keeper of the Business Cards.

Her Highness also regularly has me call our father for her because supposedly he won't answer the phone when she does it herself. Newsflash, little sister. He doesn't answer for me either, and yet I'm constantly being asked to work some miracle and make him answer. I swear if I lived closer to her, she would have me do everything for her, from bringing her coffee to picking up her dry cleaning, just like a real personal assistant, minus the paycheck of course.

So you know what I'm going to do? Forget keeping business cards in my wallet or in my important receipts folder like I normally do. As soon as I have money to waste, I'm going to go to Office Depot, buy a Rolodex, and file all my cards in there. Then I'm going to buy a headset, order some business cards that read "Sibling Assistant to Her Highness," answer my phone in a similar manner, and start billing my sister the going personal assistant rate. I'm just not sure what that is.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Not Winning, Painted Toes, and Stained Clothes

2011-03-08T22:39:00.007-05:00

Raise your hand if you're officially over the Charlie Sheen drama? I thought it was funny at first, but now I'm so sick of hearing everyone, including Charlie, say "winning" and "tiger blood" that I have decided Charlie isn't manic or high at all. No, he's just pretending to be so that we all lose our minds watching him pretend and then he, in comparison, seems normal.

I jinxed myself last week by saying Bailey's skin was better. It is better, but now I think he has tapeworms. Until I know for sure, I'm on poop patrol. Oh joy.

I spent around 20 minutes cutting back two bushes in my front yard this morning. Now my arms and my thighs are killing me. Nothing says "out of shape" like crying out in pain every time you try to sit on the toilet.

Does anyone know of a good but cheap shampoo that isn't chopped full of silicone but still moisturizes curly, color-treated hair? I'm learning the silicone-heavy ones, which seem to be pretty much all shampoos these days, break out my forehead. I stop using them. My forehead is clear. I use them for even a day, and my forehead gets a fine layer of bumps all over it, especially near the hairline. Garnier has been advertising some clean shampoo on TV, but I'm scared it's so clean it will wash out every last bit of color.

I painted my toenails for the first time in years--yes, years--Sunday night. I keep wanting to stare at them, but then my feet get cold and I have to put my socks back on. Heck, I'm so proud of them, I'm half tempted to post a picture of them here, but I need to shave my legs first.

I made chili last night, and I haven't completely ruined my clothes yet eating it. Half ruined maybe, but not completely. Yay me.

That's as random as I can manage tonight. My bed is calling out my name, it's time for Chelsea, and I still need to wash a load of towels.

What's Stuck in Staci's Head This Week: Aaron's Rent a Center

2011-03-06T23:15:00.003-05:00

I'm all for catchy jingles. I really am. They're a great way to establish a product. How else would we know that our bologna has a first name, and it's O-S-C-A-R? What I'm not for, however, are jingles that get stuck in your head and never get out because the commercial containing said jingle comes on every 10 minutes.

The jingle in question this week is the one belonging to Aaron's Rent a Center sung by the Kelly Pickler clone. I'm sure whoever the overly tan, overly blond chick in the yellow dress is has a name. Heck, she might even have a career, but I have no desire to look her up for purposes of this post. I'm just going to call her Kellybot. In the commercial, Kellybot sings over and over again, "Nobody beats Aaron's. Nobody. Nobody." I don't even think there are other words to the song. It's just nobody...nobody...nobody...until you wish you were a deaf nobody or one who can find the remote. Then when you do find the remote, you realize it's pointless to hit mute because the song has grabbed ahold of your brain and won't let go. You hear it when you shower. You hear it washing dishes. You hear it when you go to bed. You hear it so often you actually start considering a lobotomy to get the song out.

I have come to hate nobody. I want to write a followup song called "Somebody Beats Aaron's," hire another American Idol clone to sing it in a video, and post it on YouTube. I want to flip off the Aaron's sales people I see every time I go to the Dollar Tree next door. I want to buy a bright yellow dress like the Kellybot's, stick it on a mannequin, and burn it in effigy, Billie Jean Davies style. Mostly, I just want the commercial and the song that has been stuck in my head for days now to go away. Is that really asking too much?

It has gotten so bad, I asked my nephew to sing me this:

Unfortunately, the gummy bears melted under the glare of Kellybot's yellow dress, and the song remains.

That lobotomy is looking better and better.

I Should Have Never Taken His Picture

2011-03-02T17:29:00.002-05:00

Bailey before:

Bailey after:

Yeah, I have nothing better to write about today than a dog trying to pull off my pants. At least it's something.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Dust Clouds, Scratchy Dogs, and Duct Tape Extensions

2011-03-01T16:56:00.004-05:00

I'm scared to say this out loud, in case saying so jinxes it, but Bailey's weird skin condition has finally gone away. I have been dealing with the weird, scaly places on his body for years. The vet has prescribed antibiotics and antifungals several times. It never phased them. I've tried medicated shampoos (prescription and non) and every medicated spray, cream, lotion, and powder you can buy. Again, nothing phased it. I even gave him allergy meds for awhile based on the vet's advice, but all that did was knock him out. The infection or whatever it was stayed.

The sores are finally gone, and I don't know if it's because he's been on a new food for the last three or four months (Nature's Recipe Senior) or because he gets baby carrots now as snacks instead of commercial chews or biscuits. Either way I'm scared to break from routine because I don't want the infection to come back and because I can finally pet him on the back without it irritating him.

Have you ever followed someone on Twitter, only to realize that they're a complete nut job or so disrespectful of others that you have to unfollow them? I had to do that this week, and no I wasn't following Charlie Sheen. I had to unfollow a soap star I used to admire, but after seeing how rudely she spoke to fans of her show post-Oscars, I had to hit unfollow. Of course, I watched the Twitter-train wreck for an hour first before hitting the button, but I eventually did it. Now I have to find a way to separate her character on the show from her real life persona. I know they're two different things, but sometimes one colors my view of the other. Just ask me about how George Ead's foot-in-mouth method of interviewing often affects my views of his character, Nick Stokes on CSI. I have a feeling I'm going to feel the same way about this soap actor and character.

Anyone know how I can turn $2 and some odd cents into groceries for the weekend? That's all I have unless I get paid early for a blog design and Paypal transfers the money to my account mighty quickly. I'm leaning towards hot dogs or spaghetti without meat. Basically, it will be whatever I can find at the Dollar Tree. Yum. (She types with sarcasm.)

I have narrowed down the source of the stench from my earlier post. It is somehow trash can related because I can still smell it every time I open the inside and outside trash cans. I need to get out there tomorrow or some day this week and hose them down with whatever cleaner I can dig out from under the kitchen cabinet.

I felt like the world's worst housekeeper last night. I was moving stuff around on one of my bedside table--the one that's painted a light taupe--and when I did this cloud of dust and dog hairs flew up into the air. It was an allergy nightmare that had been blending in with the paint. I swear I have been cleaning my house on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. I just don't always get around to dusting. I also found out last week that my cut-to-fit air filter hadn't been filtering dust like it was supposed to. In other words, it is my fault, and it isn't. Either way, yuck. I guess you know what I'll be doing while I watch American Idol tonight.

My skin hates me this week. I basically look like I have horns growing out of my chin. I wish my skin would realize I'm 35, not 15. However, if my hair would like to return to the state of thickness that it was when I was 15, I would be much obliged. Pretty soon I'm going to have to start collecting all the hair that is falling out and duct taping it to my head.

The Blogging 15

2011-03-01T16:37:00.005-05:00

I read somewhere that there is a blogging version of the Freshman 15. I can believe it too since I have admittedly watched the scales creep up since May 2008. That's why I have been attempting, emphasis on attempting, to get on the treadmill every day for the last couple of weeks. Truth be told, I haven't quite done a whole week yet. One week I got on five times, another three. I'm already starting to get bored though, not so much with the walking but with the music on my ipod. I feel like I have listened to everything on there a million and one times, and I don't have the funds to purchase anything else.

The scale hasn't gone down, but I think my calf muscles appear a little less birdlike. They never seem to be in balance with my thighs. The muffin top is still there, too, but I would like to think it isn't as bad. (See, I can think positively when I want to.) I can also do a few more pushups than I could this time last year.

I can't say much about my diet though. You eat what you can when you only have $10 to $15 a week to spend on groceries. Healthy doesn't always make the cut. That's another reason I need a real job. I miss fresh vegetables. I miss grilled chicken. I miss salads, and I'm pretty much sick of hot dogs, spaghetti, and peanut butter and jelly.

Of course, now that I've written this post, I have pretty much guilted myself into getting on the treadmill in an hour, regardless of how bored I am with my song choice. If I keep publicly humiliating myself, maybe my muffin top will be more a whole-grain bagel top in a month. Maybe, assuming all this positive thinking doesn't give me a headache.

Hair Color Disasters Run in the Family This Week

2011-03-01T16:24:00.005-05:00

Don't you just love when you favorite hair color company changes its formula so the next time you do your hair, it comes out all wrong? Well remind me to write a big old thank you letter to Garnier because they recently did that to Nutrisse. Usually I use Nutrisse's Medium Golden Mahogany Brown, but I was getting tired of the red. The color would only look rich for about a week, two tops, and then it would just look washed out. I wanted basically the same color, minus the red, so I bought a shade I had used before, Medium Natural Brown. The last time I had used it, the color came out just the way I wanted it--not too dark, not too light, not too red. More or less, it came out my natural color.

Yeah, now that Garnier has added triple the fruit oil or whatever it's done to invite the word "new" on the box, my natural color is not what I got. Instead, I got Kardashian in a box, minus the tan, the big ass, and the even bigger paycheck. This after my sister had a similar hair coloring disaster last week using Nice and Easy in Light Ash Brown. I'm trying to tell myself what I told her. After a week's worth of washings, it should fade, and if it doesn't, buy some dandruff shampoo or Prell, but I'm finding it really hard to listen to my own advice. Maybe it's because I can't pass a mirror, window, or other reflective object without looking at the Morticia-like darkness.

I'm thinking maybe I should at least throw some sheets over the mirrors until I get a few more shampoos out of the way, but with my luck the light bulbs would set the sheet on fire, and then the police and fire departments would have to see my hair this way.

Wow, Charlie Sheen

2011-03-01T15:56:00.006-05:00

Is anyone else's heads spinning from all the interviews that Charlie Sheen has been giving lately? I saw bits and pieces of some that were being showed on yesterday's morning news shows, and then I caught the last half of the one with Piers Morgan last night. I wish I had seen the first half, but I didn't realize what was going on until all the #CharlieSheen tweets started showing up in my Twitter timeline. I thought at first people were tweeting about him in general. Then I realized that he was giving an interview at right that moment.

Wow. I mean just, wow, and I don't mean that in a good way. I remember that guy from Lucas, and I'm looking at this guy now, and just wow. Either the drugs have fried his brain, or he has been this nuts all along and the drugs were actually allowing him to act like he wasn't. I never thought I would see someone who would make my grandmother, who thinks people are peeking in her windows, stealing her paper towels, and plotting with my sister to kill her, appear sane, but Charlie seems to be doing a good job of it. Well, maybe Chain Smoking Granny still appears completely off her rocker, but Charlie is right on the front porch with her.

After last night, I wish I knew where some of the people are I used to work with so I could say, "I told you so." Remember back when he and Denise Richards were getting divorce and Denise was making all those accusations about him? I was the only one at work who was Team Denise. Everyone else was like, "No, Charlie would never do those things." Ha ha. I wonder whose team they're on now. Knowing them, they're probably still Team Charlie and believe he's being set up to look nuts through clever editing.

Anyway, I guess you know where I'll be tonight at 10pm. That ABC interview is tonight, right? Charlie Sheen is like a train wreck you have to watch, even though you know you shouldn't. Meanwhile, I guess Charlie will be home with his porn goddesses convincing himself that sitting on the front row of the crazy train is "winning."