Joystick Tuggers

Oh my... Where has all the time gone?

2009-08-16T01:53:00.004-04:00

Avast ye fowl summer! Avast lack of life structure and responsibilities! How dare ye fowl up me beloved scrawlings and posting to the interwebz log of humorous gaming records!

Luckily though, the oh-so-easy-to-procrastinate-during summer is coming to a close. CritThreat and I are soon to return to school and I must apologize for our extreme lack of HaHa's and HooHoo's over this long, dark summer.

Look for something a bit in the future! On the fifth day, look to the skies!!!!

E3 is Over and the Pr0n Stars are Gone

2009-06-05T01:53:00.003-04:00

Greetings fellow tuggers,

I must apologize for the lack of any real new content on the site, but I have been in Los Angeles for the week, rocking out E3 and let me tell you what it was quite the show. Expect a full report on some of the more unusual circumstances in a few days, but for now here's this:

I tried Gamer Grub and it was actually pretty good. One thing in their favor also, they dropped those stupid flavor names.

Warner Bros. Interactive had pr0n star Bobbi Starr hired as a booth babe and we snapped an awkward picture (she's on the right):

Don't be hatin' y'all. She was named Superslut of 2009 and no, that's not a joke. Also, the dude in that picture is neither SirDesmond, nor CritThreat so don't be sad that we aren't as beautiful as you'd anticipated.

No Joking Around This Time

2009-06-01T20:28:00.003-04:00

Everyone,

Go to G4 or head over to Kotaku for the articles, but everyone out there must watch and read about what all has gone on at today's press conferences for E3, Microsoft's especially.

I head off to the airport hear in about 6 hours for my flight to LA. Prepare for info coming soon thereafter.

P.S. Milo is Skynet

Tugger Pic #8

2009-05-31T16:00:00.000-04:00

Submit your own at joysticktuggers@gmail.com or on the Facebook Group: Joystick Tuggers!!

Tugger Pic #7

2009-05-30T15:00:00.001-04:00

Thanks to our friends at Sixty feet Six Inches for the link!

Tugger Pic #6

2009-05-29T14:00:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Luke Gromer for this Tugger Pic.

Submit your own at joysticktuggers@gmail.com or on the Facebook Group: Joystick Tuggers!!

Tugger Pic #5

2009-05-28T17:00:00.000-04:00

Submit your own at joysticktuggers@gmail.com or on the Facebook Group: Joystick Tuggers!!

For Realz: Off to E3

2009-05-28T14:33:00.001-04:00

Next week is the 2009 Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles, California and it is unquestionably the biggest week in gaming this year, as it is every year.

As readers of Joystick Tuggers, I wanted to let you all know that although you’ll probably want to shoot off to more news-oriented sites for the big game news, interviews, and crap like that, Joystick Tuggers (and by that I mean me, not CritThreat) will be at E3.

I’ll be doing my best to find the most off-the-wall, crappiest, and most ridiculous gaming news there with a bit of cool stuff about the other games as well. This is my first time at the expo, so I’ll be trying to do my best but I will probably just be pooping my pants with joy throughout the entirety of the week so who knows how it’ll turn out.

Check for new posts every night of the E3, Tuesday through Thursday at least.

FAD FAILURE OF THE FUTURE - Pt. 1

2009-05-27T17:00:00.003-04:00

Since I was a child, my primary goal is life has always been to invent or somehow procure a time machine, and now, it appears as if I’ve done it! The only catch is that I haven’t invented it, but luckily, I know myself well enough to know that I would love to know about my invention or procurement well in advance.

Today, I received an article through rather unusual means that I would not like to reproduce for you here due to possible future incrimination of myself for potential time crimes. Attached was a note chronicling the future downfall of the internet and how this article, above all else, must be published in order to attempt a preemptive rescue of technologies downfall due to overpriced and oversized hunks of plastic pawned off to gamers as the only-way-to-play, absolutely-awesome controlling method when in fact, they filled our homes, our landfills, our minds, and ultimately our culture… until the breaking point was met.

This is: FAD FAILURE OF THE FUTURE!

I must apologize for the poor condition of the above photograph, but my time here is short and it was the first I could find.

There once was a time, now nearly forgotten by humanity, where consoles were purchased with a controller, and for the most part, this controller was used uniformly throughout all games for that system. It was the gold-age of not only gaming but humanity itself. The games were no more than a mere $60 and the full package was portable, low impact on the home, and straightforward fun for the whole family.

Now, in humanity’s darkest hour, new licenses are rarely seen and when they are, they are more expensive and more beastly than ever before. The average game is no less than $250 and takes up at least 200 square feet of floor space and as much as 7 to 8 vertical feet, causing many families to rebuild their homes. Every game is equipped with its own personal and entirely unique peripheral that, while originally exciting and interesting, does little more now than allow us to take part in the actual activity the game’s are meant to represent or portray as entertainment rather than work.

It all started with the Guitar Hero franchise, a series of games that required larger and more expensive plastic replicas of common place instruments with each iteration. Within the last five years, just after the United States of America were dissolved and government was replaced by a single and extremely pricey plastic replica of a statehouse (that for some reason wasn’t wireless like the PS3 version), Activision released its 43rd entry into the Guitar Hero franchise.

The box, which required a mid-sized moving truck for transportation to the home, included 2/3 scale replicas of guitars, microphones, microphone stands, guitar stands, drums (including all the unusual stuff like chimes, bongos, etc.), violin, fiddle (one only plays bluegrass, the other classical), keyboard, keytar, stage lights, color gels, makeup, extensive costume wardrobe, automated audience, easy-to-assemble concert hall, and most importantly, a realistic set of golden records to hang on your wall (not actually gold though, still just plastic).

It cost families their entire life savings, eventually leading to the downfall of global civilization, using up all of humanity’s natural resources and crushing economies single-handedly until Activision/Blizzard was able to horde the money required to terraform their own planet and transport roughly half of the Earth’s population to their new home near Proxima Centuri appropriately dubbed The New World of Warcraft.

My every waking minute is now spent rifling through piles and piles of discolored Wii Balance Boards and shattered Tony Hawk Ride skateboard peripherals (a menace you have yet to fully face) in search of food. Most of my former fellow Americans are dead or gone, falling victim to the snare of potentially fun and often rhythm-based games. Most of the survivors are now grinding away countless hours, days, and weeks all those tens of thousands of miles away on the New World of Warcraft.

SirDesmond, my former self, I address you now because I feel that this may be our… um, your… well, mine… ah, whatever! It’s your only chance to save humanity, save them from a future filled with plastic replicas and MMIRLRPGs! Publish this article on Joystick Tuggers, your site that, after reaching the highest tier of internet entertainment, fell victim like all the rest to an endlessly crashing economy and shattered technological infrastructure.

Your readers and all gamers alike must know the scourge that is and will always be overpriced games and ridiculous controllers.

With Selfish and Egotistical Love,

SirDesmond (Future version)

Tugger Pic #4

2009-05-26T15:00:00.003-04:00

Thanks to Jared Arnett for Tugger Pic #4.

Submit your own at joysticktuggers@gmail.com or on the Facebook Group: Joystick Tuggers!!

It Spec. Sheet From Outer Space! Peer Into The Inner-Mechinations Of The IGFOS!!

2009-05-25T16:00:00.001-04:00

Greetings travelers! We here at Joystick Tuggers are thirsting! Thirsting for knowledge! We have a thirst so massive, not even Tuscan Whole Milk can quench it! Luckily, our thirst about to be quenched (hopefully enough that I won't keep typing "thirst" and "quench"). We received an e-mail only moments ago from our newfound friends at Malicious Hardware Inc. aka MalWare, developer of the newly-confirmed 4th major contender in the console wars, the It Game From Outer Space!! Instead of rambling on about our findings, we thought it would only seem fit to let you, the reader, gaze in wild wonder at what we have found:

Dear Joystick Tuggers,

We here at MalWare would first like to say that SirDesmond and critThreat are the two most beautiful people in the entire world. Your handsome faces are our only drive in these troubling times. We hope to one day birth children one-fourth as perfect you from our loins.

With that being said, Rejoice! You are the first and only to receive the Introduction/Specifications Sheet, straight from our Singapore headquarters, for the It Game From Outer Space Gaming Console. One year from now, your blog will be looked upon as "God of all Blogs" and the very mention of its name will de-virginize all who hear it. This sheet is a probe into the anus of the future. Enjoy!

Your "Family",
Malicious Hardware, Inc.

Hello you of world Earth, prepare you edge of seat!! Fast forward in end of time!! Hear angel sings as you game for enjoyment of self!! Counter breathing in stinks of defeat!! Space is you haven of fun!! Is interesting and should be!! Eat other pets not your own!! Breed the Future of today!! Probe you and other you knows for all to see!! Catch fever only from Galaxy away from Prefecture!! Hear is best friends ever in videos game machine not kill you (maybe?!?!)!! It Game From Outer Space!!

Specifications:

CPU........................SYNS1300 1.96MHz

VIDEO...........................YES

AUDIO..........................CLICKINGS

VENTILATION..........BLOW WITH YOU MOUTH!!

MEMORY...............DeMotha Uni-Core 1.28MB

POWER SUPPRY...................ONLY $34.95USD

ON/OFF..............PUSH BUTTON OF EYES IN TOP

COLOR.....BLACK/WHITE/GREY/GREEN (DARK GREEN IN DELUXE!!)

WIRELESS.........NO WIRE FOR INSIDE OF EITHER

GAME HOLDER......Sphere-o-Round Springulator

DONGLES.....LATEX GLOVE (SMELL IT FOR GOODLUCKS!!)
.................HIGH-FIVE KIT (FOR ALONE GAME PLAYING!!)
............PETROL CONVERSION PAK (GREEN LIKE ARIEN!!)
.........SRAP-CHOP GAME CONTROL (LOVE IGFOS NUTS!!)
...........DISCIPLINE PADDLE (FOR PARENTS!!)
.........DOG DE-ICER (FOR OUT OF SIDE TIME!!)
.......PANTY SHIELD (GIRL CANS PLAY TOO!!)
............WOOD KETCHUP (EAT YOU A TREES!!)
.........CRAYONS BOX (MORE COLORS FOR TEREVISION!!)
.......3 PACK CIGARETTES (MAKE LIVE FOR GAMERS LONGER!!)

Amazed is the ones who had reads this!! YOU PAY NOW!! Only being started at $452.98USD!! Send Mail babys by male instead is too!! Erect funner live for every or else!! It Game From Outer Space is may in bush by you housefront, perhaps to eat familie's brains for morning!! Buy or die maybe soon!! CLICK HERE FOR PICTULES (Oficcial)!!

Tugger Pic #3

2009-05-24T21:15:00.002-04:00

Tugger Pic #2

2009-05-24T18:30:00.000-04:00

Game.com – Tiger Electronics FTW

2009-05-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

Years ago, as we neared the dawn of the new millennium, there was a time when the internet was not as commonplace as it is today, a time when Wi-Fi was unknown and dial-up was king. It was in this world of local multiplayer and PC-only internet play that Tiger Electronics launched its most ambitious and valiant product ever: the Game.Com.

Now, you may be tempted to call it the “Game dot com,” but my God would you be wrong. It’s the “Game Com” and isn’t that obvious? When has anyone ever pronounced the “dot” that precedes “com?” I know I never have and certainly, no one else did, especially in 1997 at the height of the .com industry explosion. As you’ll see, this is just the first of many things that Tiger got right with it’s handheld console.

The Game.Com’s largest innovations were its internet capabilities and its unique touchscreen, something formally seen only in PDA and Palm Pilots. It also sported an amazing two game slots, which I’ll discuss more in detail later, as well as a front-holstered stylus.

So, let’s set the scene. You, the youthful pre-teen overflowing with an endless sense of hope the likes of which even the Obama campaign/administration has never seen, have just received your Game.Com (remember that’s “Game Com!”) as a first communion present. You can’t wait to get rockin’ all across the vast plane of the world wide web, so you get your mother, perhaps step-mother, perhaps grandmother, (depending on your parents’ life or lack thereof) to drop you off at the home of your friend, a portly blonde boy with shining eyes of the purest and strangely terrifying hazel. Due to your caretakers’ inability to shell out the hefty sum of cash required for the unit upon its release, the year is now 1998, the beginning of the era that was Game Boy Color and the end of the era that was the Game Boy.

Dante, your friend, greets you at the door, only briefly breaking eye contact from his Game Boy Color displaying his heated battle with Pokémon's Elite Four. You show him the box and he only pretends to glance away while saying things like “Ah… looks cool” amidst frantic button presses. Unwilling to accept his lack of envy, you quickly crack open the box and unearth the beautiful and hefty silver and black casing of the Game.Com. Not wanted to spend a minute without the newfound glory (no, not that New Found Glory) of the internet at your fingertips, You plug the Game.Com into the wall via the AC adapter. You search out the closest phone jack, plug in the phone line that you carry with you at all times, plug that into the light-speed 14.4k modem, plug said modem into one of the two game slots along the back of your Game.Com. You tear the Internet Browser “game” out of its separate box and plug that into the additional game slot. Now that’s portable.

You power up the system, only to find yourself unable to connect to the internet because the instructions in the game manual are incorrect, the instructions your friend finds online (through his computer) are incorrect, you don’t even know the number for the ISP, and in the end, you find that none of the game’s actually have online multiplayer, just leader boards. Heartbroken and awkwardly alone, you sit besides your friend, the only one willing to forgive you for your foolish faith in Tiger Electronics, and watch as he spawns unlimited Rare Candies and raises every Pokémon in his collection to level 100.

As you walk to the car that night upon your mother’s return to pick you up, you trudge slowly out of the house and, glancing back at your friend basking in the warm pale glow of his Game Boy, shed a single tear, not out of fear or out of sadness, but for the loss of innocence, not only your own, but the world’s.

Tugger Pic #1

2009-05-23T12:18:00.001-04:00

Fourth Console to Be Announced at E3?

2009-05-17T23:42:00.004-04:00

Joystick Tuggers is proud to announce our insider relationship with a new and exciting video game startup Malicious Hardware Inc. who is planned to be unveiling their new and amazingly innovative console to the masses at this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo.

According to our insider source, Malicious Hardware (or more commonly known as MalWare) is expected to announce the new console, dubbed It Game From Outer Space, at an impromptu press conference. MalWare is planning to gain a lot of momentum from the press due to the shock value of the press conference, which will be taking place at the entrance of the Los Angeles Convention Center pending clearance from security officials.

Although we are unable to announce any definitive details regarding the console as of yet, we can tell you that it will be unlike anything you have ever seen or played before and that you will be more than happy to throw down your money on a pre-order, because ladies and gentleman, this is going to be huge.

Check back over the next few days for some of the initial details on the It Game From Outer Space as we get our hands on an early build of the system.

Duke Nukem Forever: Part Deaux(ke). "Hands-on the King, Baby!"

2009-05-14T23:36:00.017-04:00

As SirDesmond has already stated in part one of this tag-team story, 3d Realms has shut its doors, leaving the fate of Duke Nukem Forever in limbo. As much as I love fails, I would love to see this game picked up by another developer. However, a team that's been working on the same game for over 12 years will have a harder time finding someone new to clean up after them than Cory Worthington.

SirDesmond and I have our own opinions about the more-than-likely ditched game's storyline would have, could have, and should have been. He's shared his ideas with you. However, I actually found a copy of this mostly-completed game floating around on the Interwebs! I can assure you, I've played it, the wait was worth it and I need to share this M-A-zing story with you.

The game opens with your "hero" Duke Nukem receiving a lap dance from his favorite dancer, Puddin Pop, at his preferred gentleman's club, The Rusty Trombone. The camera begins in a sweeping third-person mode for a few seconds before entering the back of Duke's head, allowing the player to give Puddin the once-over over and over again. Duke spouts off his first one-liner in over a decade: "Honey, you got a license for these bazookas?" as he is put on the recieving end of her preposterously large bosoms.

Suddenly, a loud squeal emits from the main part of the club. Duke's lip curls as he reaches for his pistol. He throws Puddin to the ground without hesitation. He steps out into the club to see dead strippers and perverts everywhere. The culprits? Pig-men? Not this time. About 12 years ago, the writers of DNF decided to take this game to a whole new, and at the time, untapped direction. Zombies! Pig-Zombies!!

As a horde of undead porkers come charging toward Nukem, he utters, "Nothing worse than spoiled bacon." He fights his way through the strip club with what seems to be great pleasure. Just as he's about to pop a cap in the last visible Zompig, the Duke disappears in a sudden static-y *poof*.

The next thing he knows, he's on the beaches of Normandy in full US Army uniform. The Duke Nukem Forever writers also decided to take a second fresh look at the shooter genre and allow the plot to be based around events from World War II, another success! Duke's almost immediately taken prisoner by the Nazis and placed into a special work camp. The very night he arrives, he becomes curious of their plans (having only reached the 2nd grade, Duke has no knowledge of any history whatsoever).

He works his way into the test facility which is conveniently located at the very same work camp. Once inside, the next few chapters become a completely new and unseen experience within the gaming world, known by the term coined by the DNF writers, a "Third-Person Stealth" game. Nukem slinks in the shadows, hides in, under, around, above, and below stuff, like boxes, and... boxes, and... crates. Then he jumps out and snaps necks and/or stabs Nazi guards while whispering sweet-nothings into their ear like "At least I didn't rape you... yet." and "That's not a knife stuck in your spine. Hehe." He has to be careful as not to alert the guards or, just like in real life, an exclamation mark appears above their head until they can't see you for 3-5 seconds.

After this phase in the game, Duke finds himself face-to-face with evil (of course they're evil, they're not American) scientists. Duke kills one and steals his labcoat and vocal cords to blend in with the others. Using a complicated, choice-driven dialog sub-game, Mr. Nukem begins to unravel the mysteries of the zombie pigs in the future and finds out that the Zompig mutation is caused by the German-created "Swine Flu" (just like real life).

Getting the information he needed, he completely eradicates the entire work camp of life, even the Jews (if that offends you, pretend they're the strippers from the beginning of the game). Using his Bloodhound senses (he has them), Duke sniffs out Hitler and in a matter of 1 shotgun blast to the head (I guess they went for realism), kills him. Upon Hitler's death, our man grinds the corpse into a fine paste and puts it into a tin can for later. Why? Who knows, he's the Duke. He then mounts his steed (I told you, he's the Duke) and rides into the forest to find the Book of the Dead.

I should mention at this point, the original writers for DNF were fired due to a lack of funding and in a last-ditch effort to flesh out the game, 3d Realms began using the Sam Raimi movie, Army of Darkness. Actually, the rest of the game is a very lengthy cut scene, and is nothing more than a laserdisc-quality copy of the movie with Duke's head pasted over Ash's body and a pistol-toting hand pasted over Ash's chainsaw hand. Also, Embeth Davidtz' breasts were pasted over with those from someone whose chest is more fitting to the game. Then... a fade to black.

I will admit, I didn't see it coming, but still I'm slightly disappointed.

So many open plot holes left unfilled. How did he get transported back to WWII? Why did they capture him? How did he find Hitler? Why did he kill Hitler, then puree him? No one will ever know, but what did you expect, they only had 12 years to write it.

They did have rag-doll physics for the boobs though. That was cool.

Never Bet on the Duke. Ever.

Never ever.

Forever.

Seriously.

Duke Nukem Forever – The Story That Never Was

2009-05-13T21:26:00.001-04:00

For what seems like millennia, there has always been one game looming just past the horizon: Duke Nukem Forever. With it’s extremely length development, now spanning into its twelfth and perhaps final year, Duke Nukem Forever has served as a constant reminder of gaming history as well as a depressing look into the world of game development.

Unfortunately though, now all of this must come to a close. With the destruction of 3D Realms comes the end of Duke Nukem Forever’s development (for now). Never will we roam corridor after corridor of movie theatres, strip clubs, and arcades searching out young women desperately in need of saving who would like nothing more than to show us their new pair of nipple tassels. Never will we know the joy of listening to Duke’s next-gen groans as he uses the urinal or cocky one-liners as he lays waste to countless pig-faced enemies.

Yet most depressing of all is the fact that we will never know the true story, the complex and ultimately morally conflicted cinematic narrative, that would have been undoubtedly woven throughout Duke Nukem Forever’s intense firefights and endless tracks of heavy, fast paced metal music. It is with this in mind that I feel it is my duty, as a gamer and lifelong fan of Duke, that I invent my own series of events:

Duke, still chiseled but countless years older than we have ever seen him before, lays prostrate on an operating table with his red wife beater (see above) no where to be seen and his iconic flattop (see above) now shaved. He awakens, eyes still shadowed behind those thick-rimmed sunglasses of yore, and grasps about him as if pulling the triggers of invisible pistols. The hospital is brimming with pig-men who, years after the close of the final Duke Nukem installment, populated much of the Earth, spreading their seed through the easy Earth women.

Throughout various portions of this initial level, we would be given several flashbacks showing a pig-man president, various police state operations, women being killed/raped, and all arcades across the globe being shut down, destroyed, and ultimately banned. It is the darkest possible future for mankind. We are forced to be without our women, our videogames, and worst of all, our guns.

The first weapon would be a suction-based piece of operating machinery that Duke has hardwired to spit out bedpans. This would lead to an infinite array of one-liners spread liberally throughout the remainder of the game’s opening levels. Things like: “I’m here to shit and kill pigs… and I already shit,” and "So it’s a bed-pan right? Then why don’t you take a nap.” Lines like these would comprise a majority of the game’s writing until approximately four hours in, halfway through the game.

After escaping the hospital and recovering his beloved undershirt and tattered duster, Duke would be saved during a surprise attack on the streets of the ambiguous urban environment by a woman with breasts so enormous that most current-gen consoles would be incapable of processing their jiggle physics. Her name is Lucy Lickem, and although her origins will be mostly unexplained, it will remain unknown whether she is, in fact, Duke’s sister or simply his ideal fantasy lover come to life, perhaps indicating that the entire game may be a fabrication of Duke’s own mind. This will make you and I, the players, very afraid that the game’s ending may include a twist in which Duke awakens to find that it was only a dream or somehow time travels back to his own birth in order to strangle himself in the womb (I’m looking at you, original Butterfly Effect ending).

From this point on, all of the fighting is done in tandem: Lucy firing oversized weapons and having her clothing slowly ripped away piece by piece as Duke downs bottle after bottle of hard liquor, chasing it with the world’s few remaining Pabst Blue Ribbons. It will be revealing after an unusual firefight against a huge floating pig-head that years ago, the government used a batch of Duke’s own superhuman and supermasculine sperm to impregnate nearly 3,000 purebred sows. After the proper gestation period, litter upon litter of pig-men were brought into the world, never knowing their true father. With a fighting force combining the raw passion and utter manliness of Duke Nukem with the eat-anything attitude (something which Duke also believed himself to possess) and pandemic causing flues of the pig, the Illuminati, a dark organization made up of anti-men figurehead Alanis Morissette, brought about the destruction of the world.

Shocked and disgusting at the unregulated spreading of his own seed, Duke feels the need to take control of something and immediately makes love to Lucy who, like all women upon finding themselves in Duke’s presence, cannot fight back and concedes her body to him. After an extremely gratuitous and rather shockingly realistic sex scene, we are allowed to control Duke’s sperm, guiding it to its new home. Fittingly, Lucy’s egg is splitting, putting on the appearance of two large single-celled breasts.

Upon completion of the level, 9 MONTHS LATER… flashes across the screen and we are told to connect a second controller. The game’s final level, in a last ditch attempt by the developer’s to include some innovative aspect in their game, requires that you play with a friend or as they call it “climactic local cooperative narratively conclusive gameplay.” Each player is one of the newly born Nukem twins who, upon ripping themselves from their mother’s womb (killing her in the process), gain all the abilities of both their mother and their father. Taking up the pistols of their fallen mother, Luke and the awkwardly named (due to lack of proper rhymes) Nuke Nukem take the fight immediately to Alanis Morissette.

Fighting atop Mount Rushmore, the battle reaches a climax as Morissette grows nearly 25 times her normal size and immediately tears off her shirt, revealing a pair of titanic laser-guiding nipple tassels. Through a series of “innovative” and extremely complex quicktime events, the Nukem twins eventually rip the tassels from Alanis’ nipples and clamp down with all their strength, draining her of not only her milk but all of her bodily fluids until she is nothing more than an oversized pile of empty skin. The sun begins to rise along the horizon as Luke and Nuke glance at one another, toothless and baby smooth, before saying in unison, “I guess that’s… tit for tat.”

Check back over the next few days or follow Joystick Tuggers on twitter (@joysticktuggers) to read Critthreat’s version of the story.

Apologies

2009-05-12T02:58:00.002-04:00

Please bear with us as we attempt to come up with a style and general theme for the site that we both like. We are having some unusual formatting problems and stuff when we post so even though some of the posts may look like junk I promise that at the very least they are funny.

Thanks for your patience and all that jazz.

Treasure Master: A Slap In The Nads From MTV

2009-05-07T04:04:00.010-04:00

Ah, 1992. The good ol' days. I was but a wee lad, too young to know and understand the complexities of things such as demographics and Nielsen Ratings. However, while I was interested in things other than video games (that was to come a few years later), MTV was busy plotting a new form of sweepstakes that would surely take over the world. Or at least that's the only explanation I have for this wad of chewin' tobaccy stuck in the Grillz of the Nintendo Entertainment System.

The Idea.

MTV teamed up with American Softworks (who later closed their doors in 2000, HIGH FIVE) to release a video game that would be used as a vehicle to distribute secret codes in which MTV mouth-breathers could call in and exchange for *Fabulous Prizes*, which, according to Wikipedia include;

Fantasy Rock Concert
Fantasy Sports Event
Fantasy Audio/Video Room
$10,000.00

I'm going to pretend they were even more dated than that, for research purposes (with the exception of the sweet Audio/Video Room... lulz).
Sound too good to be true? Receiving gifts and rewards for playing a video game??? Tubular! Not quite...

Before you go hit up your local garage sale looking for this cartridge, realize that the contest has been over since April 11th, 1992. I'm sure the winners are still enjoying their brand-new copies of Windows 3.1 and prototype Nicotine patches they were mailed (I'm sure the prizes weren't THAT cool). As far as the game goes, there's nothing rewarding about this hunk of kitty poop.

The End Begins.

Upon start-up, this game already crushes my attention span by making me sit through 22, count 'em, twenty-two seconds (trust me, I counted) of unrelenting silence and coma-inducing jargon about the contest which, for those of you keeping track at home, is OVER! After what seems like 6 eons (possibly longer if you thought your console froze, like I did), the screen becomes a swirling torrent of stars and sweet chiptunes begin making love to your ears. This hypnotizing start screen is botched by the SAME contest rules you were force-fed for twenty-two whole seconds already! BOO! HISS!
Pressing start triggers possibly the most straightforward message in gaming history: GAME ON. Then... the game is on. Your orange tank-top wearing, green Thrasher hat-sporting amigo (named Skooter, apparently) stands there, smiling blankly into the abyss. At this point, first-time players are unprepared for the world ahead of them. This game will BLOW YOUR MIND, and by that I mean, YOU WILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO THE FIRST 5 TO 10 TIMES YOU PLAY IT.

Gameplay.

This game requires item collection, and lots of it. Find some boots? Kick a caterpillar's multitude of asses off before dropkicking his head for a field goal! Find a bomb? Stand over a slightly different colored piece of terrain to blow it up! Find some scissors... Yadda yadda yadda!
Some items in this game are not only perplexing, but downright cruel. For example, at one point, you find an oxygen tank to help you breathe underwater (of course). Equipping it isn't enough, you also have to mash the B button (which ironically almost made me hyperventilate).

Story.

I've been told that the booklet for this game provided a back story for the game (besides the Ponzi scheme MTV had to make bank from it). I've never owned the booklet, so I'll write my own account of the story as I gather from playing the game:

Our hero, Skooter, wakes up after a long night of skating barefooted, listening to Suicidal Tendencies, and getting "Unkle'd" on Colt 45's and Ganja to find he isn't in his parent's basement anymore(which is where all early-90's teens chilled, and consequently, passed out usually). He, instead, finds himself in a fantastic world inhabited by creatures provoked only by bright colors and Zubaz pants. Realizing he has no chance to negotiate with these beasts, Skooter turns into a bloodthirsty killing machine fueled only by the thoughts of treasure and a delicious can of Coke II awaiting him at home.
Something like that.

Baddies.

The enemies Treasure Master are masters of their trade. The dragonfly’s equipped with detachable red cinderblocks (who knows), used for skull-busting, are so accurate, you'd swear they were taught to drop it by Snoop D-O-Double-G himself. The spring-lobster-men-things (still no clue) leave little to no head room to walk under them, I've even tried wearing the hard hat and still got SPRUNG!

Music.

The music is amazing for the first 7 seconds, until your brain tells you its the same 8 measures over-and-over. I like to make Skooter walk to the beat, because his walk mixed with the game music reminds me of the song Vanilla Ice did for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This is the most enjoyable part of the game. No joke.

Risk/Reward.

This game does, however, reward its players for their hard work. After completion of the game, I was presented with a code that I could turn in for prizes from MTV! Scha-wing! I called up 1-900-370-TREASURE and, sure enough, the number is no longer in service (I was willing to put money on it being a sex line too). Damn you MTV!!! I WILL find a way to redeem this. I really need a new deluxe 4-head VCR for my Audio/Video Room...

Aftermath.

If I had been born 13 years before 1992 (1979, I guessed it faster than you) and was given Treasure Master and was told to beat it for a chance to win prizes, I'd be on it faster than swine flu (*gasp*). Thankfully, I was born only 4 years before its release(1988, I win again), and I've been instilled with the knowledge that this game is, in fact, not worth any amount of prizes, unless MTV was giving out steamrollers to turn every copy of this game into one big, neon-green, flapjack.

The Rise and Fall of Gamer Food

2009-05-06T12:46:00.006-04:00

Amidst the crowd of unusual trends that have come to invade gaming since the years of its steadily increasing popularity, one of the most interesting is the invention of gaming food and drink. Like fine wine and aged cheese, so to do the big drinks companies and upstart food companies feel is the link between gaming and disgustingly high-sugar, high-fat, high-caffeine, and embarrassingly nerdy drinks and, in some cases, food

So let’s get down to business.

Gamer Grub:

So this is where the trend gets embarrassing, Gamer Grub is advertised as “the first performance snack formulated especially for gamers.” As a gamer and with some assumption that you, the reader, are also a gamer, I can confidentially say that there is something about flavors like “Action Pizza,” “Racing Wasabi,” “Strategy Chocolate” (by far the most preposterous), and “Sports PB&J” that makes me want to throw my laptop and my many consoles against the wall, burning any and all evidence of my gaming addiction, just to allow myself the luxury of being free of any association with these disturbingly cliché, overly-stylized bottles of powdered Chex mix. Although this may be many of our initial reactions, Gamer Grub reminds us of its key selling points: “Great tasting flavors,” “Ergonomic packing” (to go with my ergonomic office equipment), “No keyboard crumbs,” and perhaps the single greatest food innovation in the last three to four thousand years, “No greasy fingers.” I can have some faith in the possibly of creating a grease-free product, but to somehow say that this “grub” contains no crumbs and to be as specific as “keyboard crumbs” seems like a bit of a stretch.

Oddly enough, after nearly a year since its first making the interwebz, Gamer Grub has yet to find a retailer and perhaps that's for the best. After all, nothing says strategy like chocolate!

Game Fuel:

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Mountain Dew’s Game Fuel which is, not only, an incredibly delicious product but one that treats is target audience with a bit more respect than the aforementioned hand tubs of flavor-powered grain mix. Starting in August of 2007, Game Fuel made its debut in sync with the launch of Halo 3. The packaging was as “extreme” as you would assume, coming from Mountain Dew, but with its “citrus-cherry” flavor, it was one heck of a drink. Also a bit more useless for most gamers than the lack of “keyboard crumbs” was the upping of caffeine from the standard 92mg of regular Dew to 120mg per 20 ounce bottle of the stuff. It was like liquid headshots and frankly, saw very good reception amongst the gaming community. Although all types of gaming food are a bit on the far side of ludicrous, Game Fuel showed gamers respect and, most of all, was just a delicious, caffeine-filled romp of a soda.

Game Fuel will be making its return this June for an all-too-brief 8-week run this June. This time around, it has shed its Halo 3 endorsement and taken up the sides of World of Warcraft’s Horde and Alliance. This means one thing: two flavors. Convince your mom to buy you some while your stuck browsing the racks of the gas station as she fills up after your latest trip to the dermatologist.

Mana/Health Potions:

Last on the list, but certainly not the last product to be thought up, is Mana Energy and Health Energy potions. As you can see from the extremely photoshopped (maybe entirely artificial) picture above, this drink does take the perfect form. Coming in small shot-sized bottles, it looks like something that would be strapped to your belt in Diablo rather than something you’d pull of a store shelf in 2009. Mana sells itself as a “premium energy shot,” one of the newest trends in the energy drink industry. Apparently it just took far too much time to drink your standard sized energy drink or even those little half-cans of soda. Thank God there is something I can now drink in the time it takes for my skills to recharge in WoW. Unfortunately, there just isn’t nearly as much embarrassingly bad branding here to have fun with like there was with Gamer Grub. Sure, the website has a strong overuse of “WTF” and the fact that they relate drinking the “potions” to giving you +160 mana or HP is also a bit campy, but the product seems mostly legit or at least as legit energy drinks have ever been.

In Conclusion:

The phenomenon that is gamer food is extremely unusual, not altogether popular and hopefully, on the way out (with the exception of Game Fuel). As gaming continues to grow, becoming more mainstream than it already is, I’m willing to guess that gamers are going to become less and less tolerant with awkwardly exploiting meals like the KFC’s Guitar Hero Fully Loaded Box Meal. My God, the humanity.

It’s about time we gamers gave up the stigma of being a bunch of disgusting, living-in-our-parent’s-basement, never-felt-the-need-to-get-that-driver’s-license, morbidly obese and functionally illiterate, socially awkward simpletons, and let the big companies know that sometimes a big glass of water or cup of coffee is fine.

A Sign of Things to Come

2009-05-03T19:10:00.005-04:00

One beautiful and strange night across the Twitterverse, CritThreat and SirDesmond were having a laugh. There was tom foolery and smiles. There were giggles and innuendos, but mostly there was the birth of one bit of genius so irreversible, so splendid, that, if revealed, a majority of the world’s greatest thinkers would have their minds explode, exposing the Earth and all its people to certain alien invasion.

This concept --this vision--was none other than what you see before you. The great and almighty Joystick Tuggers, a video game blog unlike any other. Articles so unnecessary and shockingly trivial that no man can hope to resist them. CritThreat, the 8-bit musician with a nostalgic heart, and SirDesmond, the writer with a love of the narrative and the unprecedented, have come to other under this single collective ideal, forging the greatest alliance since all those thousands of years ago when men and elves stood as one force and cut down the dark lord Sauron.

Prepare yourself, sweet princes of Maine. Look towards the falling sun on the fifth day. Ye shall find the heavenly image of two shattering planets. One is the blogosphere and the other… your mind!