“Dear Jesus, we thank you for our special Judah. We pray that You would be near to him as he sleeps and help him to grow strong, healthy, and wise. Speak to his heart, so he may know You even from these early years. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

“Namen,” he says with his little boy voice. Always with an “N” at the beginning. Then a pause. “Mama?”

Me: “Yes, Judah.”

Judah: “Where is Jesus go?”

Me: “Well, He is always in our hearts, but right now He’s in heaven. Someday He will come back so we can be together with Him.”

Judah: “Where is heaven go?”

Me: “Heaven is somewhere that we can’t see right now.”

Judah: “When we sleeping?”

Me: “You mean we will see it someday?”

Judah: “No, see heaven when we sleeping.”

Me: “Do you see heaven when you’re sleeping?”

Judah: “Yes, when me sleeping.”

Not sure what to say to that, I just smile at him and have this beautiful tug in my heart where Jesus shows me that He does indeed hear my prayers for my children. I love that my little tank of a child recognizes what many miss. Isn’t that the way of children? Open to see what our eyes are often blind to.

What am I willing to risk? Is not what comes next — after this life — going to be infinitely better than this? When I see with lightened eyes and unveiled face and my brokenness becomes whole in the light of His presence. O death, where is thy sting? And if there really is no sting in death for the lovers of Jesus, what am I really to be afraid of at all?

Remembering that He gave all of Himself, holding nothing back, can’t I, won’t I do the same on His account? Joyfully? No matter what it seems to cost on this side of eternity? What if the very things He asks us to bear, the labor and pains, what if they really do count for something eternal? Things that change history forthcoming?

Laying down, pressing in, open hands and heart, I tremble, but mostly with joy. The overwhelming kind.

A shift is happening. A settling and surrender. I’ve spent the last week washing the walls of my home. That’s newsworthy in itself, since I haven’t ever done that task in my life. In all my scrubbing, I think of smudges and how much they scare me. Not the wall smudges…those are no match for the magical Magic Eraser. But the life-smudges. The things that have happened, or might happen, that are irreversible or out of my control. I’m quite aware that I’m a speck, and there are innumerable things that could send my little speck flying into the black abyss. Where is my comfort? Where is my certainty? Not within myself, for sure. Inside the will of the Lord, there is safety. Sometimes the smudges (or possible smudges) we see are His strokes on an incomplete masterpiece. His canvases are always full of color and good things. And even when the smudges are not His, He has a way of making them beautiful or washing them clean, much like my walls. Some things are not for me to know right now, but I am always invited to know HIM. To be with Him. To wait for Him. To worship Him. And so I shall, with open eyes and heart, wait for the wonder He will make of my smudges.

They say its like a jungle out there, but I know – moms know – it is a jungle in here too. Joyful little monkeys swinging from vine to branch (or cushion to cushion) wild, without any thought of consequence. Their exuberance keeps me young. Not that I’m old yet, but some days I feel it. It is impossible to behold and truly appreciate the wonder of youth without being touched by it. I am touched and rejuvenated, and still very aware of my responsibility to grow them strong, wise, ready for the out-there jungle.

Tortillas rolled out, I am spread thin and rough around the edges. Spread thin to hold more. Spread thin for the flexibility to roll with the jungle in here. And I am at peace with being rough around the edges. The most interesting people I know are the quirky ones…The ones who understand that the way to squeeze the most out of life is to live without care to how perfect the edges are. Risks taken. Lungs filled. Soul stirred. Edges frayed from being in the game, not checked out of it. I’m in. I’m in deep, and I love it that way.

Today’s Words:

(Phil Wickham)
I’m laying down my life
‘Cause I know what You’re worth

and

(Hillsong United)
Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well

and

(also Hillsong United)
All of my life in every season
You are still God, I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Life is full, fortunately of mostly good things. I struggle to make the time for writing my heart, but the biggest problem isn’t the time…it’s that I make it more complicated than it needs to be. So here’s to keeping it simple. And to hopefully sharing a little more often.

Anyway. I don’t mean to whine. Life is really good in so many ways. I just haven’t learned how to let the waves roll over the rocks and smooth them out. Or. I guess the waves are rolling over and smoothing me out, I’m just not smooth yet. I’m really thankful for the people in my life that hold me still and close when I feel all jumbled up. Husband. Thats you. Friends…there are a few of you. Jesus. Oh yes, Jesus. You hold me close and still. Help me stop thrashing about and just listen. I want to listen. Here I am.

Beauty. Such beauty. His, not mine, but what a delight to reflect it back to Him with a grateful heart. It’s a wonder that with the grace He gives, I often cannot give grace to myself or others. It’s a wonder that with the patience He has, I so easily lose mine. It’s a wonder that He is a perfect model of humility, and still I’m slow to put my pride away from me.

Yes, He took the broken pieces of my heart and began stitching them back together. Inside out. The inside things are now on the outside, and it’s much tougher to ignore them. My eyes have seen His glory…born in humility, servant of all, perfect in holiness. He is the inside out, upside down God. He cares not for appearances, stature, or fame. He is smitten with the simple heart that comes and declares their dependence on Him. It’s simple, but not easy.

2 Peter 1

²Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord;

Multiply grace and peace in my life, Lord! Keep repairing my defective heart, stitching with precision and intention, and teaching me more about Your heart. I long to please You, to be a delight and a joy to You in everything. Keep turning me upside down and inside out, shaking loose and clearing away my fallen, sinful nature. Give me a new heart, a new mind, a new way of navigating life. Giving instead of taking. Serving instead of consuming. Blessing others instead of wasting the time and talents you’ve given me.

³seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.

Why do I feel poor, Lord, when I am infinitely rich in you? Get behind me Satan. I will not believe that I am deficient. I will not believe that I am not able (with Christ who strengthens me). I will not believe that I am not the very apple of the Father’s eye. His favorite. His beloved one. I am His daughter, and heir to His magnificent kingdom. You have granted me everything, Lord. All You require is my humble, surrendered heart, and I am here to give it to You. Every day.

⁴For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust.

To apprehend His precious and magnificent promises, I must escape the corruption of my soul. Blessing cannot be recognized in the midst of sin. We hide away, close our eyes, close our hearts, and cut off the pathway of blessing so that it cannot reach us. Help me, Lord. Help me live openly, honestly, authentically, with eyes and heart open to all that You have for me.

⁵Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, ⁶and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, ⁷and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love.

These are the things I long for You to grow in me: excellence in my character, knowledge of Your holiness, humility and self-control, perseverance through every tough day, diligence in doing good, kindness in my speech and love in every action.

⁸For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

May I never be useless or unfruitful. May I never waste the days You’ve given.

⁹For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins.

Let me never forget where You have brought me from, or the kindness which You have shown to me, undeserved. Don’t let me be blind or short-sighted and miss the beauty of what You have.

¹⁰Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; ¹¹for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you.

Help me be diligent, Lord, by reminding me of Your truth. Hour by hour, minute by minute. I long to be with You in Your Kingdom.

I’m really skilled at hiding. I have a gift for masterfully covering my faults so no one else can see them, and so I can easily forget them or pretend like they are not there. It’s a wonder to me that my art would become a mirror of sorts. A mirror and a frustration. I’ve grown tired of managing my image, so to speak. I’m tired of holding a garden hose in one hand and gripping a kink in the hose with my other. The water ain’t comin’ out if I’m so terribly concerned about what others think of me that I won’t share the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. What’s more, the water won’t come out if I don’t turn on the faucet…which means I have to find a way to actually sit down and write instead of stockpiling the topics that are on my heart and waiting to write about them because I haven’t written on my blog in a while and it doesn’t look great to return to a stale blog without something poignant to write. Confession, that’s what I’ve been doing. Yes, I’m busy too, but not too busy for the truth. Not too busy to learn how to lay myself down so that God can be glorified in me. Not too busy to record the important things He is teaching me in this season of my life. I must do it. So here goes. Look for number 22 very soon.

Psalm 12:3, 6 May the Lord cut off all flattering lips. The words of the Lord are pure words; as silver tried in a furnace on the earth, refined seven times.

I immediately think and wonder, how many words do I waste each day? Not even just the flattering ones, but the whining ones, the lazy ones, the selfish ones…Does my speech always honor the Lord? I don’t think yelling at my kids counts as honoring Him. I try not to yell, but it happens. In the flurry and tiredness and sheer amount of tasks to do in a day, when the kids aren’t listening, I don’t always have patience as my first response. Help me Jesus. I long for a purity of heart that flows into purity of speech…for an awareness of what each word I say builds or destroys, lest I build and destroy the wrong things in my home. And be convinced…words do either build or destroy. Choose them carefully.

Psalm 16:11 In Your presence is fullness of joy.

Until this very year, I had no concept of what fullness of joy was. I spent years of my life holding up the corners of my mouth with my fingers (or not) because I couldn’t make my cheeks smile on their own. My heart was broken and my spirit was weighed down with mountains of hurt…but no more. Jesus put me in this beautiful white house and He moved in too. It’s not hard to smile anymore. In fact, its hard to stop smiling. And jump and dance and spazz out spontaneously because of the joyfulness bursting within me. I am not kidding. You might laugh imagining it, but my children think it is perfectly normal to burst into silly made-up songs and goofy uncoordinated dancing without warning (and without music). God’s presence is in our home and we’re experiencing the fullness of His joy.

Psalm 18:28-29 For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illumines my darkness. For by You I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall.

I can run and I can leap, but not by myself. For You light my lamp. You energize me. You lift me up and make my legs work even when I feel lame. You launch me over hurdles that look way too big for me, and I sail right over them. Seriously folks…It just isn’t worth it to try and do things your own way without God. Without Him, you’re sure to leap INTO a wall, not over it.

Psalm 19:7 The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul. The testimony of the Lord is pure, making wise the simple.

And making the wise to live simply? I think so. I’ve been learning about this. The more simple your life before God, the more your heart can be at peace. Complicating things makes for lots of anxiety and trouble. Simplicity at it’s best: Obeying God absolutely.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord.

YES! WAIT! Be strong and be courageous and BE PATIENT.

Psalm 31:14 As for me, I trust in You O Lord, I say “You are my God” My times are in Your hand; deliver me from the hand of my enemies.

You know all the longings of my heart. You know the pressures I feel and the mistakes I’ve made. My times are in Your hand and I do trust that You are not only delivering me from snares, but You are also cultivating wisdom in me and showing me how to prepare my heart and home for Your abundance. If we’re not ready for it, don’t bring it yet. I don’t want to be entangled or wooed by anything but You.

Psalm 34:10, 15, 18 They who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing. The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry. The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

If you ever wonder if He hears you, He does.

Now reading the whole Bible in 90 days is kind of extreme. I am always behind, and I have some days that I read it morning, noon, and night to catch up. I’d love to finish the 90-day challenge, not because I have to prove something, but because it really is teaching me so much. It’s not hard to read the Bible. Sure, I have lots of questions as I plow through, and not all of it makes sense, and I’m really just skimming over the surface of the pages…but the hardest part is cracking it open. You want to find some treasures? Crack it. Do it. They’re in there. Everywhere!

I am particularly fond of Psalms because I am somewhat of a Psalmist myself. For years, I’ve written little songs and poems to God, and have found it very hard to write about anything other than God, so David is really cool with me, because we’re alike in that way. David is a funny blend of worshipper and whiner, so I relate with him in that as well. Here are some gems I have gathered from recent reading followed my my ponderings & prayers.

Psalm 1:6 For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

He knows everything, but He guards the way of the righteous, protects them, and establishes them in love. The wicked have chosen their own way and have no protection, not because God is not compassionate (because He is), but because they don’t follow the guidelines He has given for us to have abundant life. We must know His ways for Him to guard our ways. For He is life.

Psalm 2:12b Blessed are all who take refuge in Him!

It’s common to hear people pray, “Oh Bless me, Lord! Bless me!” but there is a difference between good fortune and blessing. Some people are really asking God to give them something they don’t have because they believe that thing will deliver them from their distress or discontentment, and that God Himself is not the One who is able. Oh, but He IS the One who is able, and the only thing you have to do to find blessing is to take refuge in Him.

Psalm 3:6 I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me round about.

In the right circumstances, it takes only one person to make me feel afraid. What confidence in God to not be afraid of ten thousands of people who are against you. I long for this confidence. It’s still but a tiny seed, but its growing.

Psalm 4:7 You have put gladness in my heart, more than when their grain and new wine abound.

My joy is full even while my storehouse is empty. I love that joy is success, even when (by outward measure) you’re not yet successful.

Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice, in the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.

Are you eagerly watching? Are you waiting in anticipation for the direction and blessing of God? He speaks with a still small voice, so if you’re not watching, you might miss it.

Psalm 5:12 For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord, You surround him with favor as with a shield.

I love the imagery of God’s favor being a shield that wraps all the way around me. It’s warm and comforting, and not just like some hunk of metal that only shields me from one side.

Psalm 9:10 Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

I trust You, God. I am only dust, but I’m dust that is loved and breathed into by Your Spirit.

Psalm 11:7 For the Lord is righteous, He loves righteousness; the upright will behold His face.

What better gift is there than to behold His face?

More to come…