Jonathan Storch

And A Dutch Rudder Is...

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 3 Mar 2009 15:20:00 -0500

Podcast Title: "BULKHEAD!"

Date: Monday, March 2, 2009

Description:

Jon Storch and Snake Jacobs sit down for their inaugural podcast and discuss the first day of their recent trip to LA.

Mutual I Don't Think So.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Wed, 8 Oct 2008 14:44:00 -0400

I just found out that some religious nuts started reading my blog. Not sure how I feel about it, but I guess their higher ups thought that they would drive traffic towards their site by purchasing the misspelling of my link: http://jonstorch.blogpsot.com

Now don't get it twisted, I'm more flattered than Keira Knightly but I mean what kind of nutjobs do you think visit this site?

This site is fuckin' weird. It's got shit for adulterers/porn-watchers. It's got talk about the end of days, which I know is false because Arnold was in a movie and that all turned out OK:

The Soon Coming Climax
Proof The Bible Is True

WE ARE NOW IN THE LATTER DAYS OF THE END TIMES

HOW TO BE SAVED

(A brief summary)

This message may be called a road sign of warning. Some may look at a sign that reads—THE BRIDGE IS OUT, and say, "Oh, someone is just trying to scare us into taking another road; let’s go on the same way." They go on and plunge to their death. The sign was not meant to scare people, but to warn them of impending danger. The sign was put there, because someone cared and didn’t want others to perish.
God wants you to know, WHEN YOU SEE THESE THINGS COME TO PASS (the prophecies from the Bible in this message), KNOW YE THAT THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS NIGH AT HAND-Lk 21:31.

• Will Russia and some Arab nations invade Israel and the U.S.A. become involved? Yes.
• Will there be a one-world system or global economy? Yes.
• Will diseases increase such as AIDS? Yes.
• Did you know the Bible tells us about what is happening?

No, good fundamentalist sir, I don't know what the bible tells us about what is happening. Probably something about accepting Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior and blah diddy blah blah. Well guess what, this White Boy is a Jew, homie. Just like Jesus. Blahdow.

Stop trying to pinch off some of the Jon Storch loaf.

UPDATE: Apparently they are trying to pinch off some of the Don Forch loaf too: http://donforch.blogpsot.com also directs you to this bullass site.

PROPS:

- Letch, for misspelling blogspot and letting me know about the loafpinching in the first place.

- Don Forch, for reading my post and letting me know about the further loafpinching. Love the blog, Don.

I'm Back In The Building, Security Strapped, Still Stacking A Million

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Fri, 3 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0400

I stunt with a stallion, something Italian:

Or maybe Puerto Rican, you can catch me in Paris:

Storchy is back. Why? Do you really want to know?

I'm Spiderman.

NEW PICS: Djimon Hounson as Robin

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:05:00 -0400

MORE EXCLUSIVE PICS FROM THE CAPED CRUSADER:

Djimon Hounson as Robin:

EXCLUSIVE: Storchy Gets Breaking News On Batman Begins 3

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:21:00 -0400

Amid the success of The Dark Knight at the box office, Jon Storch has received EXCLUSIVE news on the third installment in Director Christopher Nolan's revamped take on the Batman franchise. The following items are exclusive and can only be found here on Storchy's blog:

-EXCLUSIVE Item #1: The title will be "The Caped Crusader" and will be known tentatively as TCC or DK3.
-EXCLUSIVE Item #2: There will be two primary villains. One will be The Penguin played by the star of Be Kind Rewind, Jack Black (see below for concept art). The other has yet to be decided of cast but will most likely be a lesser known character from Batman lore.
-EXCLUSIVE Item #3: Robin will be introduced in the last 20 minutes of the film, but will not yet become Robin. They are in talks with Djimon Hounson to play Dick Grayson.
-EXCLUSIVE Item #4: Christopher Nolan will be sharing the writing duties with his brother Jonathan and Joel & Ethan Coen and will give the writing credit to "Nolan Coen." It will be the Coen brothers' first time working on a "Superhero movie." In response to signing on to The Caped Crusader, Ethan was quoted as saying he and his brother were "excited as shit."

Would You Like A Root Beer Or A Papalation?

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 8 Jul 2008 15:18:00 -0400

Some additions to the real world post. Props to Snake Jacobs & Sports Guy:

Sexy Black StripperDonk Ass Dance Ass Booty Black Girl.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:11:00 -0400

yes.

Unfortunately, "Sexy Black StripperDonk Ass Dance Ass Booty Black Girl." is no longer available on youtube. "Big Booty Strippers #1" will have to do.

Tonight Olive Garden Set A Record For Most Birthdays In A Night.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Mon, 9 Jun 2008 13:12:00 -0400

Celtics go up 2-0. Real Leprechaun sighting. There are no such thing as big coincidences and small coincidences, just coincidences.

Remix:

If I Were You, I'd Be Reading The Bible.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 27 May 2008 23:17:00 -0400

This season of the Real World is eerily reminiscent of Oscar Robertson's 1961-1962 season.

Some lookalikes in honor of tomorrow night's ep:

This female is a horrible human being.

Will played his way into a large contract with the Kings.
Fact: Raggedy Ann was a Meth-Addict-Stipper-Turned-Coke-Addict-American Idol-Finalist

Dave, nice work in Saving Silverman.

Greg's new "associates" are KG, Paulie, and Ray Ray.
Jimmy Nooch=The Greatest Character in RW History (Brad on Roids)

I mailed this one in. But Katie Holmes was money in The Gift in the boob scene.

I Skeeted In An Empty Mac Donalds Apple Pie Box.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Thu, 22 May 2008 09:58:00 -0400

"Those MS Paint Skills Are Becoming Lethal."

Jewish. Jewish. Jewish.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Thu, 8 May 2008 17:46:00 -0400

Toni Kukoc is WOLVERINE!

Travis Hafner is THAT GUY FROM THAT MOVIE!

I didn't know you could be French and be a U.S. President.

And...

Props to MSPaint.

You Blew The Whistle Off A Mexican Midget (Small Person)?!?!

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 15:29:00 -0400

Thumbs up is right, Neil.

Nile could smoke this dude on the dancefloor as long as there was a tip involved.

Nell could fuck this guy up.

"Neal, how much for that vest, kid?!"

NLE, we'll always miss that whistle of yours.

I Guess If Your Favorite Lead Singer Wears Mascara, Anything's Possible.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 13:11:00 -0400

Here are some throwback emo/rock vids that are on hall of fame status. Props to Dobbs.

"I wanna put mascara on and be in a music video."

Muse - Knights of Cydonia
Note: "Would you rather create a playlist or get blown by a guy in a bear suit?"

30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill
Note: "I'd rather die first."

I Haven't Laughed In Two Years.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:54:00 -0400

Youtube title:

STUPID REDNECK GETS OWNED BY YUPPIE

PWN3D!! This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

Signed,
Johnny BMW

This Is Like Some Adult Hannah Montana Shit.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:18:00 -0400

SlamBall is making a come back and ya boy, Vells, is gonna be an all-star.

Check out this sick backyard slamball court:

"IMG Global Media President CHRIS ALBRECHT, who in February convinced IMG to buy a stake in SlamBall for less than $5M, has spent "much of his time trying one of the toughest tasks in the sports industry: creating from scratch a league and a business that can prove profitable." Albrecht: "There are not a lot of new sports being invented. This was not just a sport that would be fun to watch, but it's a business that we can build." IMG in March held SlamBall tryouts in L.A., N.Y. and Florida, and "about 100 players are now training at its sports academy" in Bradenton, Florida (WALL STREET JOURNAL, 4/18)."

OK, less than $5 mil? For this budding billion dollar sport? WHAT A STEAL!!!

Slamball's greatest athletes compete in a high flying dunk contest:

Further research on the slamball website and wikipedia led me to discover the following nuggets of information:

In the 1989 movie Back to the Future Part II, Slamball was listed as the favorite sport of Douglas J Needles while Marty McFly was speaking with him via videophone.
Q11: Where can I play SlamBall?
A11: With the constant development of the sport, SlamBall will be available internationally to kids of all ages, very soon. It is the goal of the sport to become a common game played at the high school, college and professional levels.
They have hired Pat Croce, the ebullient former president of the Philadelphia 76ers, as the commissioner.
Q12: How can I become a professional SlamBall player?
A12: If you believe you have the fearlessness, work ethic and athletic ability to become a professional SlamBall player, tryouts will be hosted in Los Angeles, New York City, and Bradenton, Florida in April. Fill out a player application online under Apply.

....Filling out player application now.

....Filling out coach application now.

Coach application??? How the fuck do you coach SlamBall? Anyone has to be able to do this job. Correct?

There is definitely interest in the game, but I mean SlamBall in Maine? SlamBall in high schools? I dunno. Maybe at FunPlexes around the country. Or in backyards:

Watching that makes me kinda not want to play. Granted those kids suck ass at SlamBall and at life, but still.

Alright. Forget SlamBall. I'm done. New dream needed.

Alright, Who's The Dead Man Who Hit Me With The Salt Shaker?

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:10:00 -0400

Note: This is the first of a series of upcoming character studies. As with everything I do, I try to keep it entertaining and informative. In each episode you will meet a character, and you will "learn" about "mad other shit." You'll also get a little guest blogging action (guest words in bold, edited by me. and my comments in [italics]).

Introducing....... Tim John Hooker.

Timmy John aka TJ Hooker aka TrWth aka Blogger of the Year aka Sk8brd T aka Mr. Boston's Twin.

Dudeguy has a sick blog that y'all should all check out: Whalen Wonders (http://whalenwonders.blogspot.com/)

I will let his own words paint a mural. Imagine all this with a slight Boston accent:

It was Mardi Gras. Me, John [my boy from school and TJ's bro, through whom I know Teej; Together they are going to "Create Robot Doctors, that go in there an' do shit."] an' his friend/sidekick Ry went riding [snowboardriding] in the morning. We came back around 3:30, and Mardi Gras up here [Vermont] is on a Saturday, ani everyone wakes up an' gets hammered an' goes to the Mardi Gras parade downtown, so kinda Dillo Day-esque with the drinkin' 'n' dressing up 'n' shit. [Dillo Day aka Armadillo Day aka Dildo Day=the only fun day at my school where we go "drinkin' 'n' dressing up 'n' shit"] Only it's still cold, but you dress like it's summer. Anyway, I didn't wanna do it this year cuz last year we got super hammered playin' slap the bag at noon, an' after like 3 bags of wine, went downtown to the parade, and then I OD-ed on snuff and felt worse than ever. So we get back, an' I call my roommates up an they're like, "COME DOWNTOWN." So I took 3 boilermakers to get ready to go downtown [A "Boilermaker" is a beer cocktail consisting of a shot of whiskey, (tequila, or vodka) and a glass of beer (therefore sometimes also called simply a shot and a beer). A shot glass of the liquor may be dropped into the beer from the surface just before drinking, glass and all - this technique is referred to as a "depth charge" in some circles. Guides differ on the preferred technique, but all agree that speed is the essence of this drink: one generally aims to drink a boilermaker quickly. The Executive Council of The International Brotherhood of Boiler endorses Senator Barack Obama.]. Then my roommates called me back 15 minutes later to say, "Naw, we're comin' home." So I took a couple more boilermakers to get ready for their arrival. And I guess at somepoint I took a nap. Woke up. Took a bunch more, was so drunk I fell on my friend while he was eating, and bounced off him and hit the back of my neck on our coffee table, bounced off that an' hit the TV stand with my head (could be in a different order, either way I smashed my head an neck) and got knocked out kinda. Then John must have taken this when I woke up hours later:

John took that pic after I had, no joke......prob 10 boiler makers.
___________

Wanna see the new Teej Special? I picked up two pairs of these cuz I think they're so special. I suggest you do the same. They got 'em in white suede too with a silver chain tho.

You put those shoes on an' you feel like you own shit. Corporations 'n' shit.

Me an' two of my roommates went out for easter dinner, that's the only time I've worn 'em so far. We ordered two bottles of wine an' a round of boilermakers.

-Sk8brd T

And that's the TRWTH. Truth.

So, Wait. It's Actually Called 'Asian Beat Offs'?

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 16:12:00 -0400

Bellicheat??? More like Bellidivorced..... That's your season.

Smoke A Super Bowl Like It Was Tecmo.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:30:00 -0400

Why I don't smoke drugs:

Batman Could Beat Up Jesus.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 14:07:00 -0400

Originally intended to air on ESPN, ProStars centers on Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky fighting crime and helping children, often protecting the environment as well.

The ProStars franchise also included a licensed breakfast cereal.

When the show first came out, the original theme song, "We are ProStars", was an homage to the song "We Will Rock You", by the rock group, Queen (see links below). In later episodes, the song was slowed down, and the chorus was reduced to 'ProStars! Show staaaars!

Wayne Gretzky (voiced by Townsend Coleman) nearly always plays the role of comic relief. Inexplicably, his mind is always on food.
Bo Jackson (voiced by Dave Fennoy) provides the proverbial muscle for the heroes. He is immensely strong and has a bit of a mean streak. His strength often approaches superhuman levels, such as in the series opening where he uses a gigantic tree trunk like a club against a logging robot.
Michael Jordan (voiced by Dorian Harewood) is the leader of the troupe. He is exceptionally smart and talented with complicated contraptions, and encourages children to study mathematics and the sciences.
Mom (voiced by Susan Silo), a quasi-Yiddish and Jewish mother stereotype, is the Q to the ProStars' James Bond. She constantly invents wacky gadgets loosely based on sports equipment for the heroes to use. The ProStars spend all their free time in "Mom's Gym," and possibly live there too, which serves as the ProStars' headquarters.
Denise (voiced by Diana Barrows) is an attractive young apprentice to Mom. She wants to help the ProStars, yet rarely makes an impact.
The Neighbor is a hapless man who wear glasses who happens to live in same the neighborhood as the ProStars' headquarters. By sheer misfortune he happens to fall victim to the malfunctions of the ProStars' machines, such as him being buried in snow when their climate machine goes awry. In one episode he takes a vacation to the Himalayas, enjoying the isolation and confident he is far away from any mishaps the ProStars could unleash, only to find the ProStars are also in the area stopping a villain there.

Beastly facts about the ProStars:

Bo Jackson's first major-league home run went 475 feet.
By the age of ten, Wayne Gretzky scored 378 goals and 139 assists in just 85 games with the Nadrofsky Steelers.
As a senior in high school, Michael Jordan was selected to the McDonald's All-American Team after averaging a triple-double: 29.2 points, 11.6 rebounds, and 10.1 assists.

When I Think About Sean Paul I Think About Ira Newble.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:22:00 -0400

In honor of the start of March Madness I'm hittin' youse off with ballin' clips..... Probably gonna have to start hitting you off with some more regular clips like this. Maybe a once-a-week-er.

Check out this cross:

(Cross to the face that is.)

Trasie MacGraidy, Increible! En la ultimo minuto!

Quando T-MAC Espanol Palabras!

Dopest Basketball Commercial Ever:

7:15am gym class. Dance moves by 'Sheed, Lamar, and DMiles. Shout out to Chinese Chocolate, Baby Huey, Hovito & The Glide.

Love this Nike Second Coming Commercial:

That pick up game was probably the second best pick up game ever after the 92 dream team game.

Sir Charles:

His Suns team that faced the Bulls in 93 was probably the best team never to win a championship.

Dope Melo Commercials. They get me amped to hoop.

Melo is one of my favorite, if not my favorite players in the league. Sucks the nuggs probly won't make the playoffs. Shoulda fuckin' got Artest.

I Have My Own Crossbow Ranch.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 10:47:00 -0400

Hey, Douche! It's pronounced THEESMAN! It doesn't rhyme with Heisman. Change your name back, asshole.
PWN3D!!!!!

Sucka.

CHIKIEZIE SMASHED IT!!!!!!!!!!

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 09:58:00 -0400

Ditto Bush.

Quarter Pounder With Cheese..... GOT 'EM!

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 10:09:00 -0400

You know who the fuck I am?

I'm a baller. I got that Basketball Jones like Mekhi Phifer. I usually hoop it up two or three times a week and I been trying to step my game up. In high school, I was a Dwayne Schnitzius-type:

After countless 1v1 games with Pau Gasol aka Paul Gaston aka Buales, I now get comparisons to this guy:
Apart from his constant flopping, our games are pretty similar. To quote Drex: "Good D, Weird Finishes, Decent Shot." Recently, me and my boys have taken it upon ourselves to figure out who our NBA borderline allstar doppelgangers are. I'm Manu. Diddy is Ron Artest (or Eric Snow in his prime). Snake is LeBron (but not the best player to ever live). Snake's old man is Rip Hamilton. The Real Deal is Carlos Boozer. Clyde is Mehmet.

Clyde hacking the shit out of me:

[
Some comparisons from college, for those in the know: As previously mentioned, Buales is Pau Gasol. Slick is David West. Mr. Chicago is Gilbert Arenas. Letch is David Lee. The Donald is Andres Nocioni. Teeds is Brevin Knight. PDemps is Leandro Barbosa. Dobbs is Darius Songaila. And Figs is Oliver Miller:

]

Thursday nights, I play ball at a Catholic middle school with some older white guys. For the most part, these ballers aren't that great, but the court is pretty sick. Last week, Clyde and I walked into the gym and noticed a new guy. Guy looked like Undertaker's son.He rocked a tattoo of a Ram on his arm, a red bandana (indicating his gang ties) and a red shirt (indicating his job as a Macy's Security Guard) all while looking like the spawn of the Undertaker. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to disparage being a Macy's Security Guard, that's just what it said on his shirt. I knew a large greek kid (Pete Dakalakanakis) who became a Macy's Security Guard after dropping out of masseuse school (cockbreath).

I sit down and start to change kicks and I watch this guy shoot around and start to run his mouth. I can immediately tell I will hate this guy. I look at Clyde, also staring at this character and he's thinking the same thing. He's just a loudmouth dude who thinks he is awesome. (His NBA comparison would be Chris Kaman.) (His Life comparison would be Vince Vaughn, Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly, and Jack Sparrow.)

We start warming up and Clyde asks dudeguy if he wants to run on our team (best move in world's history). The game begins and he's full of these little sayings like:

"My rock! My rock!" (When we're on defense and his guy is bringing it up)
"I got check, baby!" (When he wants to check the ball in for us instead of letting me do it, which is then invariably followed by him throwing a no look pass to no one or him just giving it to me anyway)
"My rock! My rock!" (When he wants to bring it up the court instead of letting me do it, which is then invariably followed by him throwing a no look pass to no one or him just giving it to me anyway)
"Ok, kid, good shot!" (When someone on our team makes a shot)
"My Dad's the Undertaker!" (When someone looks at him)
"Chill, baby, chill." (When your boy, Manu, had a sick, albeit weird, finish that went down)
"We don't need that, chill, baby." (When your boy, Manu, had a sick, albeit weird, finish that went down)
"Oh yeah? AC? AC, bro? You should go to the Borgata. Place is sick. Craps? Craps, bro? You should play Roulette. I was playin' when I was down there. Got up like 5, 600 bucks! Kept playin' bettin' like BAM! BAM! Going black, red, black, red! IT was CRAZY! [pause...quieter to himself] Then I lost everything." (In between games when someone mentioned an upcoming trip to Atlantic City)
"This little guy is killin' us!" [X 15] (When this little guy was killing us on the boards)

We ended up running the table, and this character could actually play a little ball and earned the AKAs, Scott Joplin & Billy Joel (cuz that motherfucker was The Entertainer). I was laughing so hard at Broheim on some plays I was close to fuckin' up. We left the gym amazed at how awesome this kid was at life.

The entire week following, Clyde and I replayed this encounter over and over and prayed that ShaqFu would be back the next time we played. Thursday came and our prayers were answered and then some. Not only did the Undertaker come again, but his twin brother, Kane, showed up as well, rocking a throwback Jason Kidd Cal Jersey circa 1993. You could tell he was special, because he had an aura around his head. I was able to get a picture of him with my phone:

Kane rocked the shit, and him and the Undertaker went at it like the WWF was going to kill a Panda. It boggled my mind that one person like the Undertaker could exist in a world. But, the fact that he has an identical twin brother made me begin to wonder if I was in the Truman Show. I can't even begin to imagine what their parents were like, although I suspect their father had his sperms genetically altered to make them more awesome. I know what their moms was like, cuz her picture fell out of one of their wallets and I, smartly, picked it up and scanned it when I got home:
Damn, Guy. Brutal.

This post earned me some gelt.

Could Einstein catch? Did anybody care? No!

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:04:00 -0400

Possible Lottery Pick in 2008 NBA Draft.....

Waldo Geraldo Faldo.

My Social Skills Are Pretty Fucking Damn Fine.

jonnystorch@gmail.com (Jon Storch.) — Fri, 7 Mar 2008 14:40:00 -0500

Block out some of your day and watch this video if you know what's good for you and you know what's good for yourself. Trust me, I'll take care of you. Then I want you to become a leader. Get others involved to watch this damn video. (Beta 'fucking' Chi.)