JOKE'S AND ENTERTAINMENT

Read Aloud

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:42:00 +0000

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."

Perfection

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:40:00 +0000

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

Hillbilly Personal Ad

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 13:04:00 +0000

A hillbilly sent an advertisement to the newspaper that read, "Farmer, age 36, wishes to become acquainted with woman around 30 who owns a tractor. Please send a picture of the tractor."

Hitchhiker

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 13:03:00 +0000

A hitchhiker in the hills of Tennessee was picked up by a hillbilly who pulled a gun on him and ordered him to take a bottle of corn moonshine from the glove compartment of the car.

"Drink it," the hillbilly ordered, waving the gun. The hitchhiker took a swallow from the bottle, gasped, gulped, sobbed, blinked, wept, gagged, choked, shuddered, squirmed, and twitched.

"All right," the hillbilly said. "Now you take the gun and force me to take a drink."

Qualified Accountant

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 13:01:00 +0000

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director.

The chief executive thought that one candidate - Charles - seemed ideal. Charles had been to a major public school. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Charles also had a masters degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques.

'Charles,' said the chief executive, we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you 36,000 pounds a year.

'Thank you,' replied Charles. 'But how much is that per month?'

Fairytale

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 12:42:00 +0000

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

Ran Into Him

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:46:00 +0000

A man happened upon a friend of his while walking down a suburban street. The man noticed that his friend's car was total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. So, the man asked his friend, "What in the world happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend said, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Okay," said the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and all of the dirt?"

His friend replied, "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Benny and the Genie

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:45:00 +0000

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.

"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and low and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the Genie's warning faded.

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Drinking Before

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:42:00 +0000

A man hurriedly walked into a tavern. He dashed up to the bar and said to the bartender, "Gimme a double, before it hits the fan." The man guzzled down his drink, and a few minutes later, came the same urgent request. "Gimme a beer before it hits the fan."

This goes on for an hour or so. Finally the Bartender goes up to the guy and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink."

The man replied, "Oops, looks like it just hit the fan."

Police Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:39:00 +0000

The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

Cold

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:24:00 +0000

It was so cold last winter, that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Lawyer Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:23:00 +0000

Q: What do you get for a friend who is graduating from Law School?
A: A Lobotomy.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: How else do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

The Ant and the Elephant

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:22:00 +0000

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Darn!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

News Flash

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:20:00 +0000

NEWS FLASH: Friday evening. A notorious murderer has just escaped from Texas State Prison. Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

NEWS FLASH: Saturday afternoon. The convict who escaped from Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in custody after surrendering himself to police early this morning.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago'."

Can't Accept That

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:06:00 +0000

One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."

So, t he man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep.

Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:06:00 +0000

Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Nuns at a Ball Game

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:05:00 +0000

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there."

The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there."

One of the nuns turns around, looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any Catholics there."

Gorilla Bar

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:04:00 +0000

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes up to him and asks him what he wants. "A scotch on the rocks, please." He then lays a ten-dollar bill on the bar.

The bartender takes the money and goes to fix the gorilla's drink. He thinks to himself, "Hey, this is a gorilla. He doesn't know about the prices of drinks," and takes fifteen cents back as change. He sets the drink and the money on the bar.

Another bartender asks the first bartender about the gorilla and he says, "Yeah, he's nice. Go talk to him."

The second bartender goes to the gorilla and strikes up a conversation. "Hey there. You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla responded, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I surely ain't coming back."

Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:03:00 +0000

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Upgrade to Wife 1.0

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:02:00 +0000

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING.

It is also spawning Child Processes that are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.

Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.

Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.

Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Girlfriend 6.1 Upgrade

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:01:00 +0000

However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:

1. The "Don't remind me again" button
2. A Minimize button
3. The Shutdown feature
4. An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system - most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0.

Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

Improved Farm

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:00:00 +0000

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."

Wolf Man

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 03:32:00 +0000

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Yuma Fellow

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 03:31:00 +0000

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a Puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies.
The Puma had no sense of huma!

Warm Water Cure

noreply@blogger.com (Anil) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 03:30:00 +0000

An elderly gentleman was having some physical problems, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor told the old gent that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week, the man returned for a follow-up visit to his doctor's office. The concerned doctor asked the old gent if he was feeling better. The man answered that he actually felt worse.

Then the doctor asked, "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about fifteen minutes."