Turkey On The Hill - The Joe Craig Blog

Should you plan a story or just see where it takes you?

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 21:42:00 +0000

Someone I know wanted to start writing her book before she'd worked out what would happen at the end. She had the first half of the story, but nothing in the second half. Should she start writing? She seemed confident that by the time she got to the middle she'd be able to muddle her way through. She'd find out what happened in the rest of the story as she went along, she said.

I know some people do this. Some of them are even pretty successful. But it's a terrible idea. If you do this, no matter how successful you are, you're not writing the best version of your story.

Here's what I said in my reply to that writer:

The best-case senario is that you manage to muddle your way through and find where the story should go, but that version won't be the best the story can be. That'll be the version of the story that the reader could've worked out for themselves, or the version of the story they expect. You need to be a step ahead. You want to know you've thought through every possibility and found the BEST story possible.

So... try accelerating the process. Go through the first half of the story as if you're writing it, but without having to write it. Sketch it out on cards or speak it aloud, following your notes. Then see if you can feel your way through one version of the second half of the story. Record it and make notes on what you said later. You'll come across the sticking points. Write them down.

Write down some questions for yourself. Then do branching possibilities. Either this or that. Do some what-if questions. Find what-if's that surprise you. Even if they don't make sense with the first half of the story as you have it - at this point you can still go back and change your plan for the first half.

Improvising or feeling your way through will mean much more work in the long run. Or it'll mean you settling for a version of your story that's OK, but not great. An obvious story. Challenge yourself. Do better. Explore every corner of your story and wring from it the full potential.

Get a strong visual sense of a single moment at the end of your story. Work backwards from that to work out what you need in the story to make that moment as powerful as it can be.

Remember, stories are change. So: what do you want to be different at the end of your story form the beginning? Different for the characters... different for the world you've created... different for your readers. Make lists in each category. Make those differences more extreme. Make them more meaningful. That's how you work out where you've got to and it might change your thoughts on where you have to start. That's how you build your story.

Your story is you telling the world how you think life is. So spend every waking moment thinking about what you want to tell the world about life. It's fine if you want to improvise it. But don't subject the reader to your improvisations, your muddling through. Give them the best, the most powerful version of your story.

Advice For Life - and How To Remember Names

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Fri, 04 Nov 2016 13:41:00 +0000

As part of a charity auction, I promised someone a letter containing all my advice for life. I should have known at the time that this was folly - "The wise man knows he knows nothing."

Setting yourself up as an authority on anything, let alone anything as broad as 'life', isn't for anyone who wants to avoid being a target - of incredulity, of jokes, of whispers behind your back. Fortunately I don't care about any of those things (which is one of my first pieces of advice) so I'm ploughing on and writing the letter. In fact, I'm loving it.

Lots of my 'advice' is on seemingly frivolous subjects like honey and umbrellas. Also, most of the really fundamental style advice (for men, at least) has already been written in this book, which I highly recommend. (Though there is room in my letter for my own extra thoughts on style, of course, and to disagree with a couple of things in that wonderful little book.)

But meanwhile, I thought you might like me to share the odd thing or two from my letter. Tips that could be genuinely useful to you. In fact, I have one of the most useful tips you'll ever get. You'll use it a lot, it really works, and it could change your life: HOW TO REMEMBER NAMES.

Parties, networking events, meetings... remove all the awkwardness and anxiety by simply knowing how to remember someone's name first time. How great would that be? Here's how:

The first time you hear someone's name, try to work out what it is backwards. (You don't need to do this aloud, just in your head.)

It works for common names, unusual names, all names. I haven't interrogated exactly how it works, but I've been doing it for years, since I started it as a joke in my teens. And it does work. My guess is that it's something to do with planting the name in a different part of your brain.

I quickly realised my 'party trick' wasn't entertaining enough to be worthy of that name, but I found myself doing it in my head anyway and never forgetting a name. So I've used this trick ever since. At speaking events in schools I've remembered the names of a whole class of kids while the register was being taken. That's taking it a bit far, but it's good practice and it's fun freaking them out when I know everyone's name.

Give it a go. And if you'd like me to help you or your company with conversation, networking, public speaking, or any aspect of spoken or written word, I'm available. Get in touch.

More life tips coming soon. Possibly about honey and umbrellas.

Feel free to leave your own thoughts in the comments.

MOCKBA

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 14:38:00 +0000

Guess where I've been...

No, not in a tiny toyland of magical, multicoloured onions, but Moscow.

These are some of the faces of Moscow, where I was visiting the Cambridge International School to talk about my books, writing and being creative.

There were a lot of highlights, but my favourite story ideas came from Years 3 and 4, who came up with some book ideas that I'd love to read, including:

3 Fat Kings
The Giant Dino Hotel
and, of course,
Dangerous Horse Holes

Dwayne Johnson has already been in touch to buy the movie rights to all three. He's the only actor with the range to pull off the action, drama and comedy required for all three.

I was a little surprised, but delighted, to discover that Russian schoolchildren are keen on spontaneous group hugs. I didn't have much say in any of these hugs, and only a handful of children were crushed against my ever-growing belly.

Speaking of which: hachapuri. London needs a hachapuri cafe.

And while I tucked into my hachapuri, I had some good books to read...

I took my favourite Dr Seuss book with me to share with some of the younger groups: Yertle the Turtle. I had some admiring looks from confused babushkas while re-reading it on the Moscow metro.

For adult readers I recommend a couple of other books that kept me entertained...

Sinker, by Jason Johnson, zings on every page & brings you the cleverly imagined extreme sport of professional drinking. It's plotted like a fine wine, but hides its art at the bottom of a puddle of cider. But in a good way.

Back to Moscow, by Guillermo Erades, rips and roars through modern Russian life. Reading this while in Russia made me examine the world around me a lot more carefully, which is surely the mark of an excellent book.

Finally, who wants to join my Institute for Trying and Seeing...?

How to Win a Creative Writing Competition

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Mon, 16 Nov 2015 15:34:00 +0000

9 tips for every young writer, or the traps that they all seem to fall into.

Plus one golden rule.

I wrote it all up for National Short Story Week and it's gone up on the Guardian website.

I'm judging the short story competition, so click here to read how to win.

(See also: Tips for Writing Action Scenes)

While I'm here, there's also a new interview with me I didn't post about because it came so soon after the previous interview with me. But it's a fun one, so take a look if you're interested. I was asked some questions by a Year 9 student called Syzmon and I got a bit care-free with my answers. (In other words, I sound a bit of a twonk, but that happens sometimes.)

Syzmon's interview with me is here.

New Joe Craig Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 21:31:00 +0000

For those of you who think you already know everything about me - or as much as you'd ever want to know - here's a new interview that sheds some light into the darkest corners of my soul.

Who was each character in my books written for?
What do I do with coffee instead of drinking it?
What subjects have I promised to never write about?
What's the deal with radishes?

And much more.

It's all at Mr Ripley's Enchanted Books Blog. Click here.

Opinions of a Nobody

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Wed, 02 Sep 2015 01:21:00 +0000

In the first week of September every year, the first question in the first English lesson of the year was always, "What did you read over the Summer?"

I dreaded that lesson, and that question. I wasn't a great reader. In fact I didn't consider myself a 'reader' at all. I'd bought into the myth that some reading 'counted' and some didn't. The fantasy stuff some of my friends read, the worthy drivel we were supposed to read for homework, the old, dusty books my sisters read - that all 'counted'. Not my cricket books and film magazines. I never considered it any other way.

When I was 13 I made an effort and actually picked up one of the books my parents were constantly pouring into my bedroom. I think my sister had casually said I might like it and I trusted her judgement. I was right to. I don't remember much about the book, except that I finished it. It was Diary of a Nobody by George and Weedon Grossmith.

So I was ready for that question. My English teacher asked me, as expected, and, trying to hide my pride, I told her. Straight away, she said:

"Can't you read a proper book?"

My reaction was to not read another novel for about 4 years. Why bother? I'd been judged. I'd been shamed. I had better things to do than open myself up to that. I'd tried what I thought was 'proper' reading - reading that 'counted' - and I'd failed at it.

This week this article popped up:

http://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/jonathanjonesblog/2015/aug/31/terry-pratchett-is-not-a-literary-genius

The gist is: "I've never read any Terry Pratchett and I don't plan to. He was a mediocre author, at best, and there's something wrong with our culture when we celebrate his work above the writing of, say, Marquez, or any true literary genius."

I hope the journalist, Jonathan Jones, doesn't mind me nutshelling his piece like that. I've tried to sum it up fairly. Do click on it and read the whole thing for yourself if you want to.

I've never read any Terry Pratchett either. When I was a teenager his books didn't look like my cup of tea because I thought the covers looked silly. (Also because the books looked like, well, books, and, as you know, I'd sworn off those things, thanks to my English teacher.)

Since then I've been told by trusted tastemakers to ignore the silly covers and give Pratchett a go. So I'm planning to, and looking forward to it.

But I don't really want to talk about Terry Pratchett, whose books might be amazing or might be awful or might be both, depending on who you ask. I don't even want to talk about what an enormity it is to bite chunks off an author whose books you haven't read.

I just want to offer my story as a warning of what can happen when you unthinkingly hurl judgement at someone else's reading choices. Especially a child's reading choices. Especially a boy's reading choices.

I see it happen all the time. Kids who would never consider themselves 'readers' find a Wimpy Kid book, a Horrid Henry book, a comic book, a graphic novel, an instruction manual, a book by David Walliams or a footballer. Or they might even discover one of my books. And that's what gets them reading. But they get judged.

"Can't you read a proper book?" comes in many forms. Watch out for it.

The fact that I remember that moment in my English lesson so clearly, when I've forgotten every other moment in every other English lesson, tells me something. I think it might even be part of why I write. In particular, why I write books like the Jimmy Coates series. They don't have high literary aspirations. They exist to entertain. To get someone reading - perhaps someone who wouldn't otherwise be reading, who wouldn't read anything else, perhaps at all, perhaps ever.

For a broader response to the article I can't do better than to point you towards the tweets of @Leilah_makes.

She's among the best booksellers in the country, working tirelessly to get books under the eyes of everybody who passes her way. (Her 'way', and it's worth a trip, is the Doncaster branch of Waterstones. Pop in and she'll sort you out with a book to suit you. She's the kind of bookseller that bookshops can't do without, and who reminds you why we can't do without bookshops.)

Across 7 tweets, Leilah said:

1) It may not be your cup of tea, but dissing someone's work publicly (especially when you've not read it) makes you look like a tit.

2) Reading is reading. Simple. If you love books, be for reading. Snobbery is the poison that makes people not want to even dip in a toe.

3) When you judge someone for what they enjoy, and how they enjoy it, you are a shamer. If it's legal, let it be.

4) FUN FACT, book snobs: It's not your 'cultured classics' that sustain bricks and mortar bookshops. It's the EL James' of this world.

5) I don't want to have to reassure another customer that they don't have to justify their reading choices at the counter.

6) Sometimes you want a gourmet meal. Sometimes you want a greasy take-out. There are infinite pleasures in both, you know?

7) Read whatever you like, however you like. Though if you accidentally read ridiculous articles, balance it with a bookshop purchase.

Not much I can add to that. I'll finish with the best response to criticism I read this week:

"If you don't like my peaches, don't shake my tree."

This September, if you see someone reading a book you don't like, or you think is beneath you, or you haven't even read but you're pretty sure is beneath you...

...don't cut down some kid's peach tree.

Best Explosions in Kids' Books, Children's Books Classics, me live ChipLitFest & some instagram pics from Madrid

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Tue, 21 Apr 2015 15:32:00 +0000

I have excellent explosions. You've known this for a while, I know, but the Guardian is at last catching on. Well, the brilliant Rachel Hamilton is, anyway. She kindly included a BOOM from Jimmy Coates: Power in her list of the 'Top Ten Explosions in Children's Books'. Click the link for the full list and to see which particular explosion she chose.

And as if that weren't enough love from the Guardian, it came just a couple of days after the Jimmy Coates series nabbed a mention alongside some literary heavy-hitters as a potential 'children's classic' of the future. An apt way to celebrate 10 years of the existence of the Jimmy Coates series in the kids' books world. (And I really need to update that Jimmy Coates website, don't I? It's looking a little beyond 'classic'. Hmm. I'll get to that once I've finished my next book.)

Help me celebrate all this gleeful nonsense at ChipLitFest this weekend. I'm thinking up all new nonsense to peddle, some fresh dance moves that are going to blow the Cotswolds wide open and at least one true story you won't believe is possible or even legal, let alone true.

To entice you to click this link and come see me in Chipping Norton here are some sunny, friendly faces from my trip to Madrid this week. You too could look like this on Saturday afternoon if you pout hard enough and wish yourself to Chipping Norton.

First, the pouty selfie-faces:

Then the happy, relaxed faces:

Which was all a lovely contrast from how the trip started, with me looking exhausted at the airport, unsure what time or day it was, where I was going or why. How things can pick up in 24 hours:

And aren't we all eternally grateful for the existence of instagram filters?

Could I Have a Free Book Please? A Free Jimmy Coates Book...?

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Wed, 08 Apr 2015 15:05:00 +0000

Authors are asked for free books all the time. I even get asked for free copies of books I didn't write. Not sure what the reasoning behind that is, but it happens. Today I answered two questions that came in via facebook. One of them was a short, easy one and the other was also a slightly less short, but still pretty easy one, to which I ended up giving a long, not-so-easy answer.

Question One was:
Hi Joe What Are You Doing? Do you Play Clash Of Clans? And Good Night

I replied:
Hi T, I'm at my desk and supposed to be writing at the moment. What about you? I don't play clash of clans or anything like that. I play board games.

That was easy. I sat back feeling like I'd done a good hour's work. I had a cup of tea and an excellent biscuit (shortbread - always). Then I went back to my desk and answered Question Two:

Hi Joe.
I feel cheeky to ask , however is it possible for a free copy of Jimmy Coates Killer.

i have already read this (and great book by the way) but my little brother aged 9 , would LOVE to read this , and i handed my Jimmy coates books down to a charity.

He keeps asking me to ask you if this could happen.

Regards, J

Here's my reply, slightly tweaked to remove personal info:

Hi J,

I don't mind you asking at all. But I hope you don't mind me having to say that I can't send you a free book :( I'm sorry. I get asked to send free books out quite a lot and though I would really love to get a book to your brother so he can enjoy the series as much as you did, I have to buy my own books from the publisher. It would cost me quite a lot of money (probably more money than I have) to buy a book and send it to everybody who asks for one for free.

Also, you CAN get my books for free from a library. I know that's not quite the same because obviously you have to take the book back, but it's still free for you and your brother gets to read the book. There's even a system called PLR ('Public Lending Right') that means the government pays an author 6.6p every time his book is borrowed from a public library. Yes, that is just over 6 and a half PENCE, not £6.60 or anything like that. Don't get excited. It's 6.6p at the moment. Last year it was around 6.2p, I think. There's also a maximum, which I think is around £6,600 - so no matter how many times your books are borrowed from a public library in the UK, an author can't earn more than that from library loans. So even JK Rowling and Jacqueline Wilson can't get more than the maximum, though their books are borrowed from libraries a lot. Probably millions of times, I don't know.

By the way, that system doesn't apply to school libraries. I don't get any money when my books are borrowed in school libraries, so a lot of children's authors miss out that way. I don't think most of us mind about that because we want kids to be reading. Although there IS a problem when the government shuts down public libraries or sneakily gets round having to support a public library by moving the public library services into a school library. That way they can say that library services are still available, it's just that they don't really have to provide the same kind of service as they did before because they shut down all the extra stuff, the really good stuff, that libraries do, like book groups, events, supporting local people and services for the community. That kind of thing. And of course, once the 'public' library service is shunted into the school library, what happens to the author's 6.6p? It disappears. Cheeky, right?

So I would dearly love to be able to distribute my books for free to people who want to read them. Especially as I write a series, so if I gave my first book away for free, most people would then go on to buy the rest of the series and I'd make money from that. Unfortunately the numbers don't quite work. I'd have to pay the publisher to get the books I handed out for free, then I wouldn't get quite a big enough cut of the sale of each book after that to make it worthwhile overall. The publisher takes a big chunk of the sale price of a book. And that makes sense, if you think about, because the publisher takes all the risk when they publish a book and they're the ones spending money on editing, designing, printing, storing, distributing, publicising and marketing the books.

That system only falls down when a publisher stops taking risks on new authors or daring ideas and stops supporting the books they already have out there. When that happens, the author ends up doing all the work of supporting the books, including spending a lot of time travelling around the UK (and the world) to promote their books instead of spending that time writing another book! And of course, no matter how much promotion the author does himself, he still only gets a very small cut of the price of the book when someone buys it (usually around 10 per cent).

But still, there's 6.6p every time someone discovers one of my books at a library (as long as it still is a real public library and as long as the number of library loans doesn't go over the maximum allowance and also as long as it isn't a loan of an e-book, because there are still different rules about the loan of e-books, even though we live in an amazing, technologically miraculous world).

So do say hi to your brother for me. And a HUGE thank you to you for the amazing support in spreading the word about my books. Without people like you suggesting to their brothers that they read my books, who would promote my books?! So maybe YOU deserve a cut of the price of each book for doing great promotion work. Maybe.

Actually, maybe, if you've managed to read through this whole ramble I've dribbled out of my fingers onto the computer screen and sent to you, if you've managed to get through all this and maybe understand a bit of it, and maybe because you took the time to contact me and made the effort to ask so nicely and maybe because you're only after a free book so you can spread the word to the next generation of readers... maybe you DO deserve a free book. I have one here on my desk. It's the US edition - I hope that's OK - but you can have it for your brother. Will you do me a favour, though? To cover the price of the postage, please put about 3 quid in a charity collection tin next time you see one. I don't mind if you do this all in one go or bit by bit.

Let me know your address and who to sign the book to (you or your brother or both) and what your brother's name is. Thanks for reading all this J. Hope you're having a great school holiday.

Stay awesome,
Joe

"How Do I Encourage My Son To Read More?"

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 23:49:00 +0000

I was in Jordan in March to visit some schools and run some writing workshops. What a great week in a terrific country. In preparation for my visit I was directed to this pertinent question posted online by a Jordanian parent to see if I could offer some help:

How Do I Encourage My Son To Read More?

He's 11, and refuses to read, no matter how much I encourage him. He is full of energy, but his time is consumed either with sports or electronics. He does well in school, and is generally well behaved. Wondering if anyone out there has ideas on how I can get him excited to read.

You can see the original question and my full answer on the forum here, but this, or some variation on it, is such a common question I thought I'd offer a lightly tidied-up version of my answer for you here...

It seems that 11 is the age at which there’s the biggest drop-off in reading, especially among boys. (Then there are all the boys who weren't really all that into reading in the first place - don't forget about them.)

It’s no good just presenting your son with a book, or even a small choice of books, no matter how right you think your choice will be for him or how highly it's been recommended by 'experts'. He has to have ownership of the process. So:

Does he have the chance to choose things to read himself?

You’ll need to make a huge amount of reading material available to him – really huge. And reading material of all different kinds. Broaden the range of what you might think of as ‘reading’. It doesn’t have to be the classics, or even a book. Find magazines, instruction manuals, listings of sports statistics... anything like that. Much of it he will ignore, but eventually he will choose to pick up something that piques his interest. That’s the first step – he’s not going to become a bookworm overnight, but stick at it. For sports and electronics fans, magazines and manuals are brilliant gateways. But don’t rush him.

The right material is important, of course, but it’s only part of the answer. There’s a lot else you can do that might seem small but in the long run will make a huge impact.

Does he have a reading light by his bed? Think about when and where you’re expecting him to read. It’s not going to happen unless he has a quiet space with a light and books or magazines within arms’ reach. And his schedule is probably packed with school activities and homework, so make sure he knows he can stay up as late as he likes if he wants to read a magazine.

Do you have the sports pages of newspapers spread out in the kitchen when he comes down for breakfast every morning? You don’t need to make a big deal out of it, just let him find them and discover the most interesting writers on the sports he likes. (You might have to research who those are for yourself first.) Or it might be relevant, engaging blogs open on the ipad, just there, casually in front of his nose when he sits down to eat.

Does he ever hear you discussing what you’re reading? Not necessarily with him, but with your friends or with the rest of the family? Make books and reading part of everyday talk around him. Argue about stories or about an article you read. If he hasn’t read that story or that article the discussion might seem to go over his head, but if it keeps happening he won’t let it go on indefinitely, he’ll do something about it.

Does he ever see you reading? For an 11 year-old boy it can make a huge impact to see his father reading, or other male role models. You don’t need to point it out, just make sure it happens, consistently and for a long time.

As with all these things, it will take time to turn him into a reader but if you’re persistent he won’t be able to resist.

Find someone else who can recommend reading material to him. Again, not just books, but magazines, websites and manuals as well. If there’s an older sibling or some other teenager in his life that influences him, get that person on your side, even if they don’t realise that’s what you’re doing, and put interesting reading material in their way. It can filter through to your son second-hand.

I refused to read when I was 11. But one of my strongest memories from that time is helping my dad drill the reading light into the wall by my bed and wire it up. (Again – being involved in the process. If he likes electronics let him fix up his own reading light or ask him to fix a new one for you and everybody else in the family.)

There were nightly family discussions – often heated – about books I’d never heard of. They were like public performances for my benefit. On an errand with my sister she suggested I pick out a film magazine. (I read it cover to cover, and every issue of that magazine for the next ten years. It’s basically how I learned to write.) Eventually it was my sister who was able to pick out books that would grab my attention.

My father used to set up two books on the table in front of the TV, alongside the evening paper. (He invented and built a device that enabled him to keep both books open at once while keeping his hands free to eat.) He read both books and the paper at the same time, in front of me, while calling out the right answer to every single question on every single TV quiz show. Eventually, any 11 year-old makes the connections himself. It will take time, but it will happen.

Make it a tide that’s impossible to resist. Make it demonstrative and daily. You must be patient and flexible. He won’t want to read the same things as you, or even the same things as many other 11 year-old boys. He won’t suddenly go from not reading at all to picking up a dusty, leather tome. He may never pick up dusty, leather tomes – I still don’t. But I did become a huge reader, eventually.

Without that, of course, I would never have become a writer. But it was also my impatience with reading, and not liking the kinds of books I was 'supposed' to like, or that everybody else seemed to like, that led me to the kind of writing that I do. I started writing the Jimmy Coates books to grab the attention of readers like the 11 year-old me, readers like your son. The path to writing those books began with film magazines, sports articles and statistics and the ostentatious displays of reading from my family.

It's a lot more than just picking out books that are 'popular' with his peers, or that you liked when you were his age, or that you think he should like for any other reason. But don't give up. It'll happen, and it's worth it.

See also: Getting Boys to Read with Better Covers

Tips for Authors for World Book Day

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Mon, 02 Feb 2015 16:30:00 +0000

Authors all over the UK are about to dive into the crazy/brilliant time of year when schools need speakers to entertain, inform and inspire students to want to read. World Book Day is coming up. Between now and the first week of March (and probably for at least a couple of weeks beyond that) every author you know has been asked to make more appearances in schools than they could ever want or possibly fit into the diary.

It's been getting crazier every year for the last decade. Some authors are doing all this for the first time and a friend of a friend got in touch to ask whether I had any advice for her to prepare her for her first ever school visits as an author.

I bashed out a list of tips and I hope it might be useful to somebody. There are obviously some basics to public speaking that I'll try not to cover here - we can talk about those another day, if anybody is interested. So below are just a few things that strike me as being particular to being an author speaking to a school audience. Other authors reading this: please do add your own in the comments, tell us which ones you already do or tell me the ones I've got wrong!

- FILING IN

Ask the teachers to get the kids to file in from the front. If they start at the back there'll be random odd chairs at the front, which makes your job much harder from from the very beginning. Don't accept empty rows or empty seats. They sit in every chair, starting at the front. If they refuse to sit in the front row and the teachers aren't sharp enough to do anything about it, wait until they've all sat down in the second row, then remove the first row of empty chairs. Better - remove one of the empty chairs, then ask one specific student and one specific teacher to take away the others.

Obviously don't start til everyone is settled. The manner in which the students come into the hall or the library, or wherever, sets the tone for the whole thing. Sounds strict, but it makes it so much easier to have as much fun as you like for the hour that follows.

- START QUIETLY

An odd one, this, and some experienced authors I know disagree. Nonetheless, I suggest you start at your very quietest and build up from there. Loud noises and loud voices are among the things that set off disruptive behaviour in students who have certain kinds of issues. So draw everybody in. If there's a microphone, start without it.

- THANK THEM

In the first minute, thank the students for having you. The key word to emphasise is 'guest'. For example, "Thanks for having me as your GUEST today. It's pretty special for me blah blah..."

The word 'guest', especially in close proximity to 'special', triggers 'guest behaviour'. Teachers have droned on at them for years about how they should behave for guests. Help them out with a not-so-subtle mental kick to engage that behaviour for you, now.

- OBVIOUS STUFF

Stand, don't sit, and never behind a table or lectern or anything else. If you've been put up on a stage, come down off it unless there's a really, really good reason for you to be so far away from your audience.

- GO LO-TECH

Don't rely on powerpoint or projections or any other kind of tech. It will only work in about one in five schools. In the one-in-five schools where it works, only one-in-five students will absorb what you're shoving in their faces up on the screen. Be better than that. In the absence of powerpoint and the like, YOU must be interesting to look at. Think about how and when you move as much as what you're saying. Move around, stand still, vary the pace, go to the corners and speak from there for a bit, use your gestures. With more space and time we could go into the best way to do this, but if you're starting out, it's enough just to make sure you give this thought. YOU are the visuals. Be dynamic.

- TEACHERS MISBEHAVE

Don't let them. It won't be the librarian or teacher who booked you, but somebody else in the hall thinks they're getting a free period. If someone is chatting, marking, moving
around or anything like that, stop immediately. Stare at them if necessary, but wait for

them to give you their full attention. The staff have to set the example. Don't let them get away with anything else. Hopefully you'll be entertaining enough once you get going that they won't be able to take their eyes off you, but until then, keep the staff in line.

- EARLY SIGNS OF LIFE

You need to signal early on that the students aren't just there to sit and 'listen' to you ramble on for an hour. You're going to engage them, get them involved, ask them stuff and go to them for input and ideas. (At least, I hope you are.) This is much easier if in the first few minutes you've asked for a simple show of hands for something. (Anything that isn't

patronising like, 'who likes reading' - I saw an author do that once. It was
excruciating.)

- GIVE/REWARD/BRIBE

Have a couple of books to give away. Give one away early-ish to someone who answers a question well. It'll switch the others on for the rest of the session.

- CUE Q&A

If you're going to do Q&A at the end, tell them that (preferably twice) near
the beginning so their brains, consciously or not, have thought up some questions by the time you get to that bit.

- GET ON WITH IT

Unlike with adult audiences, don't repeat yourself or labour any points. (I know I've said repeat a couple of things, but apart from them). Kids get stuff first time, quickly. So say it once and move on. Don't wait for a reaction or for anything to sink in. They've got the point and they're getting bored unless you've moved on. Be a step ahead, or several, if you can.

- THE ONLY TIP YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER

Ignore everything else, but follow this one. If you do, nothing else really matters. This goes for all kinds of public speaking, but never more so than as an author presenting to an audience in a school. It's big:

TELL A STORY.

That applies to every word you say. Shape it into a story. Even if that means embellishing stuff or just making it up. It's why you're there, it's your strength, your unique set of skills.

Have fun, everybody. Wishing you all some great World Book Day events.

UPDATE: If you'd like me to help you with your author event, or any speaking event, I offer training. Get in touch.

And here's a thing I wrote about author visits to help schools prepare.

Three New Short Story Thrillers for your E-book Device, Kindle, iPad, Phone, Etchasketch or Whatever You Read Stuff On These Days

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Thu, 11 Dec 2014 16:47:00 +0000

A few years ago I put out a very short book called Lifters, about a brother-sister pickpocket team who get caught up in a conspiracy of organised crimed, snipers, free-running and betrayal. It was only 3,000 words long (about the length of a chapter in a Jimmy Coates book) and it did better than I ever thought it would, showing that there was more demand than anyone expected for stories that were very short, but had all the action and suspense of a full thriller.

I've written 3 new short thrillers and they're available as e-books from today.

I'll be blogging a little about each story in turn between now and Christmas but for now, admire the amazing covers designed for me by Uberpup:

Save the Human
Alien invasion and extreme storms threaten the human race. Jay and Emma are fighting their way to the safety of a bunker. But it’s too late. The Zorbs are coming.

Head Strong
Jed finds an ancient helmet embedded in the earth. The original owner wants it back – even when time and space are in the way.

The Mendack Affair
Judd wants more from life than being a window cleaner, like his dad. On his last job, he looks through the wrong window and glimpses something he’s not meant to see. A secret somebody is prepared to kill for.

The stories are loosely linked, but only by their general themes and outlook on life. So you can read them in any order. I hope you like them. If you do, feel free to leave a review and, of course, spread the word...

Editing - the Big Questions

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Sun, 30 Nov 2014 23:02:00 +0000

I've given a draft of my work-in-progress to a trusted brain to read. This will be the first time anybody but me has read any of this story.

I started planning it more than two years ago. I started writing the first draft on January 7th, 2014. I finished the first draft on November 20th and since then I've done some extensive re-writing, but nowhere near enough to be finished.

There's still several weeks of editing and rewriting to be done, but to carry on productively, I need a trusted brain to tell me the answers to some big questions. For example:

Does it make sense?
When you've been working on one story for so long it's very easy to lose sight of what will be clear or obvious to the first time reader and what needs elaboration. But of course, everybody who reads the book will be a first time reader once. So it has to make sense, sentence by sentence and also on a larger scale across the whole plot.

Is it exciting?
I think this applies no matter what genre you write. Every page should be enticing, gripping or make you want to read on. So I'm not just talking about action sequences and twists in thrillers. Even scenes in which nobody moves a muscle should be exciting. (Don't mistake movement for 'action' or motion for emotion.) In other words, I'm asking where the tension slackens. Are there bits where you can do anything other than grip the book in your fists and devour it because you just have to know what happens next?

At any point, does any of the characters act like an idiot?
This is a huge one. Forget whether your characters are 'likeable' or 'relate-able' or any nonsense like that. What you don't want is any point in the story where your reader says something that begins, "Why doesn't he just...?"
Or, even worse: "What?! Well if he thinks that's a good idea, he deserves everything coming to him."
If you haven't thought of the thing the character should be doing, you need to know your readers will think of it and so your character should too. If there's a good reason why your character doesn't do that thing, you need to show that.
The one thing that switches a reader off more than anything else is a character acting like an idiot when there's an obvious, or even moderately intelligent, course of action that they either haven't thought of, or they've dismissed for a shaky reason. This goes for EVERY character, not just your hero or heroine. Good guys, bad guys, little guys... EVERYBODY.

I'll get lots of other feedback, I know. But the first time somebody else reads through a complete draft of my book, these are the three main questions I need answered for every page.

If you're working on something and you've reached the point of sharing it with someone else for the first time, I recommend you ask these questions too.

Email to Joe Craig. Response from tired Joe Craig avoiding the washing up

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Fri, 17 Oct 2014 17:22:00 +0000

Dear Mr Craig,

I teach at a specialist dyslexic school and one of my students loves your books especially the Jimmy Coates series. As part of his homework he had to write five questions to ask you about the book he was reading. He was so excited over this homework that I thought it would be a good idea to write to you. We spent a lesson looking at your website and constructing an email to you.

I typed what L wanted to say. I only hope that you have time to reply to him as this would be so inspiring. I have used my personal email in the hope that we receive a reply.

Many Many thanks Mrs C, one to one teacher of L

Hello my name is L I am nearly 11 years old (six more days!).

I have written because I want to find out more about the Jimmy Coates books. I have finished reading Jimmy Coates Killer and Jimmy Coates Target and I have almost finished reading Revenge. My favourite character is Jimmy because he is pretty clever and he is really good at fighting. Here are a few questions I would like to ask you if you have time I would appreciate a reply.

1. What encouraged you to write the Jimmy Coates books?

2. What’s your favourite book?

3. Who is your favourite character in the Jimmy Coates books and why?

4. What age is Viggo?

5. Are you going to write more Jimmy Coates books in the future?

6. Do you write any other books other than Jimmy Coates?

I would appreciate it if you were able to send me a reply. Thank you for your time. L

Dear L and Mrs C,

Thanks for getting in touch. I really enjoyed your lovely email. It’s put a big smile on my face to hear that you’ve been enjoying my books. I’m not so sure I like being part of someone’s homework, but I suppose if you HAVE to do homework then it’s probably a good thing that it’s all about me. Maybe suggest to your school that all homework is about me from now on. That will make things far simpler for everybody.

A very happy birthday for when the day comes, L. I hope your 11th birthday is better than mine. I spent my 11th birthday in prison in Cuba for a crime I didn’t commit. Well, I did commit it, but hardly with much enthusiasm so they shouldn’t really have blamed me. I expect you’d rather I just got on with answering your questions now. So...

1. What encouraged you to write the Jimmy Coates books?

Usually when I answer this question I lie. I say something like, “Oh, I just wanted to write an exciting story.” But the honest truth is that it was a lot of little things that all combined and I can’t remember all of them. I was reading a lot of books at the time – that helps. I was also watching a lot of movies – also a great help. Harry Potter was already hugely successful but it annoyed me that everybody thought its success was because people loved witches and wizards. I can’t stand witches and wizards. I had a bad experience with a wizard in that Cuban prison. I liked Harry Potter because of the mystery, adventure and good twists. Not the magic. So I decided to come up with a story that had no magic in it, but even more mystery, adventures, suspense, action and loads more twists.

2. What’s your favourite book?

My favourite of the books that I’ve written is Jimmy Coates: Blackout. To me, it’s clearly the best in the series. I think each book I’ve written has been a bit better than the one before it because I’ve been learning a lot about writing as I go. It’s more fun that way, and also I can’t stand all those series that start off well but then get worse and worse. It’s so lazy. No excuse.

My favourite book by another author is probably Bend Sinister by Nabokov. Or The Sneetches & Other Stories by Dr Seuss. Both mind-blowingly good in different ways.

3. Who is your favourite character in the Jimmy Coates books and why?

It’s very hard to have favourite characters in my own books. Some have more interesting plotlines than others, but a lot of the interest for me is in knowing where they’re all going to end up and who’s going to die. That kind of thing. So some of my favourites are Miss Bennett, Eva Doren, Paduk (oh by the way, Paduk’s name came straight out of that book by Nabokov, Bend Sinister) and Saffron Walden.

4. What age is Viggo?

I could go back and check this in my notebooks but I honestly can’t remember. He has to be old enough to have worked in the secret service 12 years before the books are set and probably have been in the army before that. Maybe. But he has to be young enough to make women’s hearts go all wibbly. His name is a pretty obvious nod to Viggo Mortensen, the actor, who is in his mid-fifties now, I think, but must have been in his early forties when I started writing the books and created the character of Christopher Viggo.

5. Are you going to write more Jimmy Coates books in the future?

I’ve written 7 and there’s going to be one more – Jimmy Coates: Genesis. That will be the final one, which will bring the whole series to a big, exciting, surprising, twisty ending. I haven’t written it yet but the plot is all planned out in detail (I came up with the ending and the final twists when I was plotting the very first book in the series over 10 years ago). I will finish writing it at some point but there are a couple of other things I’m working on first, so don’t hold your breath. Also, as you can probably tell from some of my answers here, when I do sit down to finish writing it I’ll have to re-read the rest of the series first and all of my notes to get everything fresh in my head again.

6. Do you write any other books other than Jimmy Coates?

So far I’ve written one non-Jimmy Coates book, which is a short thriller called Lifters. I’m really proud of it. I hope you get the chance to check it out and that you enjoy it. I’ve also written three other short thrillers, which are all coming out in e-book stores in the next few weeks, so keep an eye out for those. They’re called

HEAD STRONG

SAVE THE HUMAN and

THE MENDAK AFFAIR

I hope that answers all your questions. Yes, ALL your questions, about EVERYTHING. I don’t just answer questions about Jimmy Coates, you know. I am full of WISDOM and KNOWLEDGE that stretches across all time, all space and any kind of surface (not vinyl).

Have an excellent day, a moderate evening, a great night, then a better-than-average morning and then a surprising afternoon. Follow that with a strange evening, a fun night, a superb morning, a messy afternoon, a shocking evening and a restful night. You can change the order of those around if you want to, but not too much. I don’t like it when people monkey around with the order of mornings and afternoons and such things.

OK, I have to go now. Someone’s knocked on the door. It’s their house. I probably shouldn’t be hanging around outside a stranger’s front door.

Best wishes,

Joe

www.joecraig.co.uk

www.jimmycoates.com

http://turkeyonthehill.blogspot.co.uk/

@joecraiguk & @joecraig

http://youtu.be/mLdAQoLRXBk.

Anglesey Adventure - Jimmy Coates in Wales

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 15:44:00 +0000

Turns out I was in two newspapers on Sunday. Not for some kind of scandal (again) but for reasons of adventure.

My missus wrote an excellent piece in the Telegraph about a canoeing trip. I featured as a bit-part in the background, clutching the star of the show, the hound.

Meanwhile, a piece I wrote for the Independent over the Summer popped up in their pages. And it's online too. So you can read all about why I'm 'quivering, podgy superman'.

http://www.independent.co.uk/travel/uk/anglesey-from-all-angles-9757017.html

It's basically about whether I, a mere human writer, can take on the trials that I make Jimmy Coates face in the books. Hope you like it.

Best Non-fiction Books

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 00:16:00 +0000

I am not in line to the throne of the Solomon Islands. Sorry. But between the ages of 13 and 15 I convinced my classmates that I was. (This was, obviously, pre-internet.) It became 'that kooky thing about Joe', alongside my fear of bananas (true) and my ability to hypnotise people (false at the time - I learned later).

So my relationship with the truth is like that between a vulnerable, young hero in a Hitchcock movie and the mysterious stranger who comes to stay, claiming to be an uncle who's been 'travelling' for the last few years. It might start with the thrill of a new friendship but it usually ends in murder.

Well handled truth can become, for me, like any other good story. So I love great non-fiction books. In writing fiction I can make up whatever I like. Non-fiction authors can only deal with what the world has given them, yet some of them still manage to put it all together to create a thriller.

Eventually the world threw up a picture of the people of the Solomon Islands. Someone in my class noticed that I was not black and my regal lineage withered.

Here are my top 8 non-fiction books so far:

The Prize, by Daniel Yergin
It turns out the story of the oil industry is the real story of 20th century - and it's a twist-packed gut-wrencher.

Quantum, by Manjit Kumar
The battles between the greatest brains over the nature of the very tiniest particles in existence. Fascinating, complex and mind-bending stuff made human and relatable.

Agent Zigzag, by Ben Macintrye
If you made this up, you'd be called insane. A dodgy character stumbles into WWII, double-crosses everybody and comes out a hero. Probably.

Rubicon, by Tom Holland
Nobody spills the guts and glory of Ancient Rome like Tom Holland.

Monte Cassino, by Matthew Parker
The drama and heartbreak of the bloodiest battle of WWII.

The Education of a Poker Player, by Herbert O. Yardley
Everything you need to know about poker is everything you need to know about life - whether you play or not.

The Secret History of Vladimir Nabokov, by Andrea Pitzer
A Russian genius escapes European tyranny (twice), encodes his nation's calamities and his indictment of American society in great novels - but nobody notices until 30 years after he dies. You'll love it.

Stealing the Mystic Lamb, by Noah Charney
400 years of European power-struggles boiled down to a series of audacious art-heists, with a riveting unsolved mystery at its heart.

Writing Exciting Action Thrillers - tips and discussion from twitter chat

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Thu, 15 May 2014 20:52:00 +0000

Last night I was 'guest host' of a twitter chat all about writing exciting action thrillers for kids. If you're on twitter, take a look at the hashtag #ukmgchat - there's a fresh discussion every couple of weeks (the last Wednesday of the month and the second Wednesday of the month). The 'mg' stands for 'middle grade', which is the American term for the kind of books I write - anything for ages 8 to 13ish.

If you're not on twitter, here are a few of the main things that came up. It was pretty intense trying to hammer out answers in such a short format with no time to think about it before more comments and questions came flying in. So this is all pretty raw, but I'll stand by anything I said...

Do you know how you want an action/fight scene play out before you write it?

-I know what the outcome needs to be & story elements that need to happen. Beyond that is a fair bit of improv then edit.

-Punchy verbs make it easier to FEEL what's happening. Hit the guts harder. Adjectives get in the way.

Obsessed w language. Anglo Saxon better than Latinate, short chunky sound-bitey words?

-Agreed. Balancing word-length, sentence-length & pace/timing is the constant concern when editing action.

Hi Joe. How do you choreograph your fight scenes? Do you act them out?

-I have toys or use pens as people to slo-mo choreograph fights, action etc on my desk. Then I need to write precisely.

Picked up a good tip last night - you can control speed of reading as a minute a sentence level.

-I like to monkey about with that. One model for writing action is the Iliad, for its long similes at unexpected moments, holding back the pay-off til it's almost insufferable.

How gory/visceral can MG action scenes be? About to write a key (medieval) battle scene and not sure how far to go!

-I'm fairly ungory in disposition so I usually go one step beyond my own taste. It's instinct more than rules.

Worth testing on kids of that age. They will invariably tell you to ramp up the gore.

-Not always wise to listen to kids. You are the writer. Do it your way.

What are your favourite thrillers? Best action scenes? What gets your heart pumping??

-My models for action writing are Robert Ludlum and The Iliad.

How do you sustain action in your stories? Do you follow a method or let the characters dictate?

-Story first. Action serves story. Plot all planned out in advance. Sometimes I find unplanned action moments but rarely.

What for you is the most challenging aspect of writing thrillers for kids?

-Main challenge is maintaining a 'real' feel to it when kids are doing crazy action stuff. Could get silly v easily.

Are your books popular with girls and boys? Did you write specifically for one or the other?

-Audience for my books splits about 50/50, girl/boy. I don't consider audience at all while writing.

I don’t write action if I can help it. Usually have tons of characters and it's rock hard keeping track of them all in actiony bits.

-Action with any more than 2/3 characters is tough. Like juggling. I try to separate spatially into discrete scenes.

What is the best advice you can give to other MG writers looking to get published/ represented?

-Ignore trends, just write. Learn to cook well. Only share work as late as possible in the process.

Do you think action scenes are the way to get reluctant readers into books?

-Up to a point. Dull action scenes as bad as dull anything else. What matters: GRIPPING STORY. Tension not action.

How long do you think action scenes should be to keep them exciting?

-1 or 2 exchanges then move on. Or one major reversal. Stop just BEFORE you think it's done. Then cut half of it. Build the structure of action like a mini-story, with acts & climaxes. Sustains tension.

What do you read for inspiration?

-Ludlum, Lawrence Block, Nabokov.

In fight scenes how do you judge how much is too much? And have you ever been told that you got it wrong?

-Helicopter chase in my 1st book was about 10 times longer in 1st draft. I cut & cut & cut til it was good enough.

-In a fight scene, too much = anything more than the minimum. IMPACT more important than length. Boil it down. INTENSITY.

So do you often write more action then you need and cut or does it pan out mostly how you would like it?

-Usually 1st draft has more than I need. I rewrite action scenes & cut a lot in the edits.

Any tips for writing thrillers?

-Thrillers rely on rigorous plotting, clarity of hero's aims & intensity/originality of villain & his/her plans.

Any action no-no's to watch out for? Other than, "Don't confuse the reader."

-Mistaking movement for action, motion for emotion, volume for impact.

There was a lot more, with some recommendations of books to check out as well as tips from other writers getting involved too. If you want the full whack type #ukmgchat into twitter.

Does Playing Make You More Creative? Not If You're Doing It Wrong...

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Wed, 14 May 2014 00:55:00 +0000

This afternoon I spoke at a conference run by Unilever and the ESRC called:

"Cardboard boxes, storybooks and games: Imaginative play in middle childhood"

It was only a 15 minute presentation, so I thought I'd type up what I said while it was still fresh in my mind. Here it is:

What a treat and a privilege to be here. It's been a fascinating day so far; thank you for letting me play my part.

I write books mainly for the 8-13 crowd. It means I get to play every day - with ideas, stories, possibilities... I also do a lot of work in schools talking about creativity, writing and generating ideas.

I suppose I'm a case study of what happens when instead of a toy or a console you give a child...

...a box.

I grew up with lots of boxes. I think my parents realised pretty quickly that a box is cheaper than a toy. My sisters and I had so many cardboard boxes that we needed a bigger box to put the boxes in, and then that got full so we found the biggest box in the world and put all the boxes into it and we called it the Box Box.

Our other way of playing was to act out stories that we made up as we went along. Epic adventures. Rich and complex worlds in which we would be completely immersed for hours. Thrilling dramas with twists that were later used for a show called 'Game of Thrones'. If you've heard of that, well... that was us.

I saw my role as rearranging the furniture as much as possible. My older sister saw her role as organising me as much as possible. She was very good at it.

We sometimes played with such dedication to realism that we didn't break to go to the loo. There was one Amazon adventure when I really needed to go. But we would never disrupt the world we'd created or the story. So, "It's OK," I said. "Don't worry, Wandering Chieftan. I'll be right back. I'm just going to... make arrows."

That is still the euphemism we use in my family for going to toilet. "Excuse me a moment, I'm going to make arrows," or "It's a long drive - have you made arrows?"

My younger sister had a very special role in the games. Well, one of two roles. She created them both and she chose which character she was going to be in that particular game. On special occasions she combined them. One was 'Yaps the Dog'. That was when she wanted to be a dog. The other was a kidnap victim or some kind of hostage.

Either part could appear at any moment, no matter what the context. We could be digging for stolen space-jewels on Saturn and suddenly: "It's OK, Commander Wandering Chieftan - Yaps the Dog is here!"

Her being taken hostage would always lead to an elaborate, swashbuckling rescue from a cage I built around her. Then when we finally released her from captivity she'd always - every single time - say, "Umm, no not yet. I'm still kidnapped."

By the way, my older sister is now a top business strategist & consultant. An actual, real-life wandering chieftan. She made it. And my younger sister is a hostage.

No, it's OK, she's a writer.

These games - the boxes, the adventures - trained 2 things into me that I rely on every day in any creative projects.

The first is that to create anything you need to be wrong most of the time. You need to seek out new ways to be wrong. Spectacular ways. Pursue them. Explore them. See how wrong you can go.

There was no problem with going on the 'wrong' track with our childhood games because the game - and the fun - would always continue. We could try things out and carry on. There are so many games where you can't do that. If you try something different or go 'wrong', the game ends. Fun over.

I see it in schools too, especially secondary schools. When I'm getting kids to come up with ideas, they have such a strong sense of some contributions being 'right' and some 'wrong'. It stops them saying anything that isn't dull or at least predictable. I've even seen teachers tell certain pupils to put their hands down because it's time for "sensible ideas only please". That's no way to come up with anything. A writer needs to go through a hundred silly, outrageous, ridiculous, unworkable ideas to get to the one gem.

The second tool I developed was this:

Coming up with something out of nothing. The blank slate. Overcoming the inertia of that first creative step - the beginnings of an idea where there was only a void. I will sit at my desk tomorrow and I will turn to the next page in my notebook and it will be blank. I will have to fill it. With something - anything. I will face a blank page every day for the rest of my working life.

Creating something from nothing relies on a muscle that needs training. Very few forms of play develop that. And I don't think schools teach it, either. How often are students given the task, "Write something." - with no guide, or prompt, or framework?

I worry about that dying even in toys. My Lego had no picture on the box of what I was 'supposed' to make. Or if it did, I ignored it. I made whatever I wanted. Or I experimented without knowing what I was making. I went wrong a thousand ways, each one more fun than the last.

I didn't limit myself to the Lego, either. I incorporated blu-tak, string, cutlery and once (only once) my dad's reading glasses. (That was for a yacht. It didn't float.)

And, of course, the box went into Box Box.

The unstructured, unsupervised play was the perfect training for a creative life. And the time to play in that way led directly to me writing my first songs, my first musical and then, eventually, my first book.

Which is why I'm still playing every day. Now go and make up something ridiculous.

Women Getting in the Way or Getting Boys Reading?

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Wed, 23 Apr 2014 16:35:00 +0000

Apparently “boys are being deterred from reading because the ‘gatekeepers’ to children’s literature are mostly women.”

At least, that's what a writer called Jonathan Emmett believes. Jonathan Emmett said so in a long piece in the Times all about Jonathan Emmett and what he believes. You can read a summary of what Jonathan Emmett believes here:
http://publishingperspectives.com/2014/04/are-boys-not-reading-because-of-all-those-women-in-publishing/

I wasn't going to comment on all this, mainly because I think it's beneath comment. But people keep talking about it and now I've been asked directly what I think. (Also, it turns out I'm not beneath commenting on things that should really be beneath comment. So here goes.)

I'm a boy. I've always been a boy. When I was a smaller boy I found it very hard to get into books. I pretty much gave up on books when I was 12. I wish I hadn't, but I did. I'm still a very impatient reader, and perhaps because of that I now write books that are used and marketed for getting boys to read - especially boys who, like I was, are impatient with books or don't think books are for them.

I won't bore you with how a reluctant reader becomes an author, but later in the week I'll do a more general piece about how to get boys reading. For now, does the fact that there are so many women in children's publishing have negative effects on boys' reading? Is Emmett right?

Well, I'm a boy and an impatient reader. Here's how I choose a book:

- I find a MAN. The most macho MAN I can find.
- I ask the MAN what he's reading.
- I do thorough research to check that book has been written, edited, designed, marketed, distributed, sold and reviewed by MEN.
- I beat my chest and read a MAN'S book.
- I raise a glass (of whisky or man-sweat or ox-blood) to Jonathan Emmett.

It's really tough for me, because of all these pesky women in publishing.

If only there were some books that do get boys to read. Oh, like mine. Brilliant. Well done me. So, my books must be the product of a very male environment, right? Well, that's true, I am really very macho. But the agent who first took me on and edited all of my books is a woman. My current agent is a woman. My first readers are my wife and my two sisters. My most helpful sounding board is my mum. My editor is a woman. My front covers are designed by a woman. The booksellers and librarians who know my books and get them into the hands of boys who otherwise wouldn't read are mostly women.

There you go - the team that brings you the Jimmy Coates books is incredibly male (plus all those pesky women).

I seek out expertise, not men. I trust someone's knowledge and experience, not their gender. If an editor wants to remove from a book elements that typically appeal to impatient readers - technical details, daring adventures, appropriate violence - then the editor is just wrong, not wrong because she's female.

Of course, it's more likely that the editor has noticed that stuffing those elements in without serving the story is more likely to switch readers off - male, female, old, young - than get them gripped. Books that grip impatient readers are not watered-down imitations of computer games. Books that grip impatient readers are great stories.

If there is a lack of understanding of what it's like to be an impatient reader and the elements that contribute to a boy being put off reading, that is the problem, not an over-abundance of women. To suggest otherwise is unhelpful, sexist and wrong.

After I gave up on books when I was 12, I rediscovered them when I was 17 thanks to my older sister. For years after that I only read a book she put in my hands. She could pick out books she knew I'd like because she knew me and she understood what stories would grip me. I'll stop short of pointing out that that level of empathy is a typically female trait. Pretend I didn't say that. Because my point is that gender is irrelevant. Understanding is everything.

The only reason I read anything at all now, let alone write, is thanks to the smart, persistent women in my family and a dad who read publicly, almost ostentatiously, with books and newspapers spread out in front of him, some held in place by special devices he invented so he could read more than one thing at a time. More about dads another time. For now, let me finish with a few words about logic:

At Last, A Few Words About Logic

If you see two facts that are vaguely similar in theme you can't assume one causes the other.

Fact A- boys read less than girls

Fact B- there are lost of women in children's publishing

Aha! Fact B must cause Fact A.

Except, the trouble is, Fact A could cause Fact B:

If boys read less than girls this is quite likely to lead to a publishing industry full of women. Because who wants to work in publishing? People who like books.

Or there could be a whole load of other factors involved, which I'll talk about in another post, very soon...

Meanwhile, for a theory about one aspect of boys' reading, here's something I wrote about cover art.

Writing a First Draft, Then Rewriting. A Couple of Examples.

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Tue, 22 Apr 2014 00:22:00 +0000

Yesterday I blogged about my writing process. I mentioned first drafts:

"First drafts are awful. But that’s the point. Knowing I can write rubbish allows me to write 2,000 words a day. Then I go back over the first draft and make it good."

After I posted that, I had a great question over on twitter (right here) from Joe Holland (or, as he's known on twitter, @GodfreyVanZoom):

"I know all authors say 1st drafts are bad but is that proper bad or like when the class whizz says they failed a test n get 96%"
My reply (split over two tweets):
"As bad as you need it to be to get it written. It's not even 'good' or 'bad' yet. It's just a slop. It has no standard.
"Some 1st drafts are better than others. The point is that doesn't matter. Good bits get better, bad bits get redone or go."

After that I thought it might illuminating to let you peek at a fragment of a first draft. Then you can see for yourself how bad (or not) it is and how much it changes before the book is finished.

Unfortunately, I don't still have all my first drafts. I often new versions of the book over old ones by accident. But i do still have the first draft of Jimmy Coates: Blackout. Here are the first two paragraphs exactly as they appear on my computer in a file saved on June 20th, 2008:

#Prologue Title#

Four kilometres down, under #not London – the place on the south coast# , in the heart of a UK government supercomputer embedded in a concrete crust fifty metres thick, a new algorithm flickered into life. Instantly, it began worming through the system, a mere twinkle in a constellation of electrical impulses. Imperceptible. And insignificant too, if it weren’t for the fact that at the exact same moment, # kilometres above the earth and at the other end of the UK, a # plane pierced British airspace.

The two events were timed to perfection. The worm wriggled through the computer network exactly as it had been designed to do, creating a tiny corridor in the UK Satellite Surveillance System – a sliver of shadow which the #type of plane# ran through like a fencer’s blade. The precisely pinpointed surveillance blackout had rendered it effectively invisible. It was easily high enough to be clear of the range of conventional, ground-based radar defence systems; its black #kevlar?# panels didn’t even glint in the night.

As you can see, I skip a lot when I'm writing a first draft. If I don't know something, I just leave a # and I carry on. But the image is there. The starting moment of the book. I can see it clearly in my head and the image doesn't change. I've planned the whole story out, remember, so I know exactly what information or what event needs to power its way into my reader's head on the first page. I just don't really know the best way to phrase it all yet.

Fast-forward to November 2008 and the first two paragraphs look a little different. This is how they appear in the final version, as you can read it when you pick up the published book:

The Bodies

Buried four kilometres below ground and embedded in a concrete crust fifty metres thick, one of the UK government’s seven supercomputers was about to be breached. It was housed beneath Menwith Hill Royal Air Force Station in North Yorkshire, but nobody on the base could have any idea the attack was underway. The battle was lost as soon as it began, when a new string of computer code flickered into life.

Instantly, it began worming through the system, a mere twinkle in a constellation of electrical impulses. Imperceptible. Insignificant too, if it hadn’t been for the fact that at the exact same moment, hundreds of kilometres to the North and eleven kilometres above the earth, an Aurora Blackbird SR-91 plane pierced British airspace.

Yes, I've gone back and put in all the tech details about the plane. Yes, the section has a proper title now. Superficial stuff. But I've also tidied up the order of the information. It's tighter, it's slicker, it's more dramatic.

You don't start with a computer code when you can start with breaching a government facility. You don't start with a number when you can start with a word like 'buried'. Looking back at this now, it's very strange for me to have started the book with a sentence using the passive voice ('was about to be breached') rather than a stronger active verb (active = someone did a thing; passive = a thing was done). Usually I go through my drafts making changes the other way: passive to active. But I still like the final version of this opening.

Try another one. Jimmy Coates: Survival starts with a short prologue, which didn't change much at all through all the drafts. But here's the first bit of chapter one, as it is in the first draft, typed on August 16th, 2007:

Chapter One – Slipstream

First it was a light on the dashboard, then a noise in the engine. A tiny ‘clunk’ that you would only notice if you knew what to listen out for. Jimmy knew what to listen for, and he knew it meant trouble. Running out of fuel is inconvenient if you’re driving a car, but if you’re ten thousand metres up in the air in a small plane, it’s usually fatal.

Jimmy didn’t panic. He’d been expecting this for the last three hours. I could land, he thought. At that moment he was somewhere over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, so it would be tricky, but he knew he could do it. Even though the Falcon 20 wasn’t designed to go anywhere near water, Jimmy pictured himself splashing down into the waves. A part of his brain was already working out the best angle for the plane to hit the water. He could even feel the muscles in his shoulders warming, preparing for the longest swim of his life.

He gritted his teeth and stared straight ahead out of the cockpit. He knew landing wasn’t an option. He had to reach Europe. Thousands of lives could depend on it. Then came the answer.

Now take a look at the finished version, as I wrote it in January 2008:

Chapter One – Slipstream

First it was a light on the dashboard, then a clunk in the engine. Jimmy had been expecting this for the last three hours. I could ditch the plane in the water, he thought. At that moment he was somewhere over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and a part of his brain was already working out the best angle for the Falcon 20 to hit the waves. He could even feel the muscles in his shoulders warming, preparing for the longest swim of his life.

He gritted his teeth and stared straight ahead out of the cockpit. He knew ditching wasn’t an option. He had to reach Europe. Then came the answer.

Just as in Jimmy Coates: Blackout, it's the same scene. I didn't decide to start the book with a different image or a different thing happening. That's because I trust my plan. I know my story works. I like my structure. So all I've done here is rigorously challenge every sentence, every word: does it need to be there? Does it tell my story? If not, it's cut.

Remember, reading these first drafts isn't meant to show you how good or bad a first draft is meant to be. My point is that you don't need to worry about whether it's good or bad at all. It has no standard. It's a starting point. In both these examples there were about 20 different versions of the opening before I settled on something I liked. Nobody ever needed to see any of those versions - not my agent, not my editor, not my wife or my mum. And I only feel able to share them with you now because they're a few years old and the books are out there for you to read if you want them.

I hope this helps answer your question, GodfreyVanZoom. Everyone: let me know your thoughts and send me all your questions. I read all your comments, tweets and emails.

Now back to the first draft I'm working on. And if this post is anything to go by, you might get to see a snippet of this first draft some time in the year 2021...

The Writing Process Blog Tour

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 23:52:00 +0000

I’ve been tagged. I can feel it oozing all over me. Not really, it’s actually quite a pleasant feeling. Like being tickled with butter.

SF Said told me about this ‘Writing Process Blog Tour’ and he’s one of my favourite children’s writers, so when he says things I pay attention. (He wrote the extraordinary Varjak Paw books and his new release, Phoenix, looks amazing so check it out.)

He tagged me, so it’s my job to continue the tour. The idea is that every week from now until the internet burns up in a fight to the death against the aliens, a writer posts on a blog the answers to the same four questions. You’ll find out what they are in a minute.

SF Said’s answers from last week are here: http://www.sfsaid.com/2014/04/the-writing-process-blog-tour.html

And my answers are about to scroll in front of your eyes…

What are you working on?

A thriller. An epic, gut-busting, nerve-shredding, eye-widening, sphincter-pinching thriller. It’s going to be the first full-length thriller I’ve written that isn’t about Jimmy Coates. At the moment I’m considering whether a couple of NJ7 agents are going to appear in it just so there’s some kind of continuity across the different worlds I’m writing in. Or I might decide that’s too confusing.

I’m about a third of the way through the first draft. Or perhaps I’m closer to half-way. It’s hard to tell. I’m about a third of the way through my story plan but about half-way through my expected word-count. And if you think that’s a problem, it isn’t, OK? It just isn’t. IT REALLY ISN’T. Hush now.

All I can tell you about this new book is that it’s about a ninja. And that it’s basically awesome.

How does your work differ from others of its genre?

Easy. Mine are better. I know they probably aren’t really, but before I start writing a book I have to believe that. I have to think it’s going to be better than anything else out there, or what’s the point in doing it? Aim high. Fail big.

Actually, I think I’m trying to do things in a slightly different way to other action-thrillers. I don’t get a kick out of bigger explosions or more over-the-top set-pieces. I prefer tension. So a small piece of action or a turning point for a character can actually be much more exciting than, say, a spaceship blowing up. That’s the challenge I like: to get a reader breathless and on the edge of his or her seat simply because of the twists in the story, not because of a series of big bangs.

One other big difference between my books and other action-thrillers is that my books have a much bigger female readership than most.

Possibly unrelated to that, or not, is that I set out to write better women than there are in any other action-thriller books. Apart from Jimmy Coates himself, every significant character in the series is female. Jimmy is just a mechanism through which the lives of many different, contrasting women and girls come into conflict with each other. Each of them grows, changes, wins or loses in different ways. I don’t think you could point to any other series of action-thrillers and say, ‘That has a male main character, but it’s really all about the women.’ Sadly, you have to keep that quiet because the ‘wisdom’ of the publishing industry (which is completely wrong) is that if a book features female characters, boys won’t read it.

Why do you write what you do?

I started writing action thrillers because I love the form of a story with mystery and twists. It’s the clever construction that I enjoy – as a reader, a watcher of movies, or as a writer. Twists give a special kind of satisfaction. A good one should feel shocking yet at the same time inevitable. Like you can’t believe it, but at you also know it absolutely had to happen that way. A great reveal, a powerful turning point – that’s why I keep writing.

I do have plans to write in other genres but I think I will always love a great twist.

Continuing to write thrillers for now is not really an artistic decision. It’s a commercial one. While I have an audience for thrillers, it would be silly to suddenly switch to something else. If I can write something that will grip anybody who’s enjoyed my Jimmy Coates books, then for the time being I’m going to do that. After this, I’d like to write more screenplays, some funny books and books for grown-ups.

How does your writing process work?

It doesn’t really 'work'. It just is.

I allow myself about two months to plan. I do most of my planning by hand, in notebooks. It involves brainstorming, charts, diagrams, doodles and a lot of scribbling. Eventually I’ll have a rough idea of what’s going to happen in the story, in order. I’ll either type up that running order into a scene-by-scene list on my computer or I’ll transfer it to a series of index cards – one scene per card. Then I play about with the plot some more, on the computer or on a big pinboard where I can stick the cards.

Planning Jimmy Coates: Blackout started like this:

Once I think I have the plot sorted, I pitch the whole thing to my wife. I ask her for ten minutes and I tell her the story. If you can’t tell a story in ten minutes it isn’t worth telling. From her reaction I know exactly which bits of the plot work and which bits don’t. She often has questions that help me sort out a lot of kinks. Or I need to throw the lot out and start again. It’s good to know that kind of thing before you actually start writing the book.

Once the plot is sorted I start writing. I aim to write 2,000 words a day until my first draft is finished. I used to do all of this on the computer, but these days I write a lot by hand, again, in notebooks. Switching between the two can also be a really good way of keeping the process fresh. The shift in feel and perspective helps give me a boost if I feel stuck.

Writing Jimmy Coates: Blackout longhand looked a bit like this:

Nobody will ever see my first draft. First drafts are awful. But that’s the point. Knowing I can write rubbish allows me to write 2,000 words a day. Then I go back over the first draft and make it good. That takes roughly another two months, but it varies from book to book.

I don’t write much in the morning. I usually read or watch a movie. I start thinking about proper work after lunch, or after tea, or after dinner. It’s a meal-based work-schedule. I usually write until 2 or 3am. On a really good day I can write 2,000 words in an hour. Most days it takes a lot longer, though I don’t really know why. Often I’ll write the first 1,000 words in half an hour then need a break. Then I’ll spend perhaps 2, 3, 4 or even 5 hours grinding out the rest of the day’s work.

The whole process involves a lot of agony. Every few weeks there is a moment of joy. Then it’s gone and I’m back to the agony.

The agony is worth it to end up with something that looks like this:

The planning stage is probably the most fun because I enjoy the bits that feel like solving a huge puzzle. The rewriting is also OK because at least by then you’ve actually written the story down from beginning to end without any breaks. That’s a major achievement. The exciting thing about rewriting is that at the end of every day your book is better than it was that morning. But rewriting would also be the worst time to die. I always worry about that while I’m still rewriting – “The book isn’t as good as it can be yet! But people will think I was finished! And I’M NOT FINISHED!”

And as for this blog… NOW I’m finished.

So. My turn to tag somebody. Actually, I’m tagging two people. On Monday next week they’ll both be answering this same set of questions. Check them out…

First there's young talent Lauriane Povey.

She'll put her answers on her blog which is here: http://www.laurianepovey.co.uk/category/blog/

On twitter, she’s @laurianeteresa and her latest book looks like this:

And then there's the rather brilliant Rachel Hamilton:

Rachel Hamilton studied at Oxford and Cambridge and has put her education to good use working in an ad agency, a comprehensive school, a building site and a men's prison. Her interests are books, films, stand-up comedy and cake, and she loves to make people laugh, especially when it's intentional rather than accidental. The Case of the Exploding Loo is her first novel, and she is currently working on a second.

Her website is www.rachel-hamilton.com and you can find her on Twitter as @RachelLHamilton and Facebook as RachelHamiltonAuthor.

Tips For Writing Action

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Thu, 17 Apr 2014 23:40:00 +0000

I've just been writing a fight sequence in the book I'm working on. Over ten years of writing action scenes in Jimmy Coates thrillers, I've noticed a couple of tools I rely on to help me, and a couple of huge WATCH-OUT rules that I don't think any writer should ever, ever break. Those biggies are at the bottom. First, the tools:

Be clear
If you're writing any kind of fight or chase, get hold of little action figures or toys so you can carefully and slowly choreograph the sequence on your desk. The excitement of a scene is instantly destroyed if your reader is confused about how a character's arm got from round his enemy's neck to punching him in the liver without the necessary physical transition. Block out every move in the sequence like the director of a dance show and you'll avoid asking your characters to bend over backwards or suddenly sprout extra limbs.

Be brief
Once you've choreographed your sequence, cut half of it. Then cut half of it again. Reduce every fight or chase to its essence. You want maximum impact, minimum space on the page. For every twenty moves you'd see in a fight on film, write one. But make it count. In my first draft of my first book, Jimmy Coates: Killer, the helicopter chase was twenty pages long. In the final version, it's four pages. But because it's shorter it's more thrilling, it's more memorable. It should feel like it takes up more of the book than it actually does.

Be specific
Jimmy does not punch people. The knuckles of the first two fingers on Jimmy's right hand connect with his enemy's clavicle. For example. Get a diagram of the human anatomy and work out precisely the bones and ligaments that are crunching or grinding or twisting and how. Be specific not just position and action but with degree - how hard is someone hitting? How fast is someone moving? The common adjectives are too loose. Better to cut adjectives altogether and use stronger verbs. Even better, show the effects of a blow and you don't need to explain how hard it was. Show how the character feels the speed and you don't need to say it's fast.

Be vague
Sometimes you want to project the mess or speed of a fight or get across that so much is happening so fast nobody can keep up. That's when you need to step back and let the reader fill in the gaps. Don't itemise every blow with the detail you would if you were being specific. This works well towards the end of a book when the reader has already imagined enough specifics to be able to know the detail instinctively when you only suggest an outline. So switch to overall dynamics. You'll need to rely a little more on metaphor and simile to make it work. This might not make much sense without an example, so here's a fight between two young would-be assassins near the end of Jimmy Coates: Power...

The two boys swung round each other like Olympic gymnasts on monkey bars. They traded blows with such pace that the noise of each strike echoed into the next. It sounded like rapid drumming. Jimmy let his mind drown completely in his programming. He wheeled his legs round, throwing himself in complete rotations to spin and kick again. At the same time he blocked Mitchell’s attacks with alternate hands – while his right defended against a savage kick, his left held on to the strut above his head, then viceversa.

Eventually, actions merged together. The fight became a blur in Jimmy’s head. He felt like he was in a trance, with a red haze seeping from his centre out towards the tips of his limbs. It was the feeling of murder. He knew Mitchell felt it too, and the longer the fight went on the hotter it burned.

Be different

We've all seen a fast car crash into a market stall. We've seen a lot of fights in movies. Do better. When the movie Bad Day at Black Rock came out in 1955, very few people knew about karate. The fight sequences in that film are short and powerful. A one-armed man has a skill he learned fighting the war in Japan and the result is utterly gripping, even now. It's even more exciting if you imagine never having seen karate before. So do some research. Find something that thrills you. If you find yourself writing a cliché, make a note to come back to it later and tweak it out of existence.

Play with time

A fight or chase shouldn't take the same amount of time to read as it would take to happen in real life. You can accelerate when you want to (especially if you're being 'vague', as above) or you can slow things right down and indulge in the right simile, the right bone hitting the right soft tissue, the maximum impact for a single action that would otherwise be lightning fast (especially if you're being specific, as above). Your job is to create a fight in the reader's head, not to commentate on the fight in your head.

Finally, remember: every single line of every fight or chase should tell the story. If it doesn't, an action sequence will feel kinetic but stagnant. Do not mistake movement for action. Do not mistake motion for emotion.

Writing tip from Aristotle

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Tue, 15 Apr 2014 15:05:00 +0000

"We are what we repeatedly do. So excellence is not an act, but a habit."

And so to be a writer, write.

(I don't think that includes tweeting.)

The Goldfish of Doom

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Sun, 06 Apr 2014 12:51:00 +0000

I wrote a funny little story that you can read for free, but only until midnight Thursday (UK time), when I'm going to take it down again.

It's called

ANIMAL CALAMITY!

The Goldfish of Doom

and you can find it here:

http://www.wattpad.com/44300957-animal-calamity-the-goldfish-of-doom?utm_source=web&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&ref_id=19409946

It's based on a true story, but I've changed things a little. For example, in the story it's about the main character's mum's goldfish. In real life, it was my wife's goldfish. Apart from that, it's mostly true. Every grisly, ridiculous detail.

I hope you like it. If you do, share it around so as many people can read it as possible before I have to take it away again.

Joe Craig's Epic Biscuits. I think they're shortbread.

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 18:07:00 +0000

I was asked to contribute a recipe to a school cookbook. I got a bit carried away and sent them something a little more confessional. Here it is:

I spend most of my day cooking or eating or thinking about cooking and eating – when I should be writing. I don’t usually follow recipes. I read them, nick ideas from them, then do my own thing. This is fine for savoury dishes but it’s a disaster for desserts. In particular: baking. For this reason, I am a terrible baker.

I get nervous about following baking recipes precisely. I make a huge mess. I’m also too lazy and impatient to follow all the steps properly. I don’t mix things for long enough – it’s boring and tiring on the arms. I don’t set things aside to chill for long enough – that’s not cooking, it’s waiting. I didn’t start making biscuits just to wait around. I started so I could eat biscuits.

So here’s my method for making biscuits. A method for the lazy, impatient baker who just loves biscuits.

You’ll need:

225g butter – I don’t care whether it’s salted or unsalted. Just don’t use the really good butter that you should be spreading on toast. But whatever you do, don’t use margarine or any of your other ‘spreads’. I don’t know what those spreads are even doing in your fridge. Throw them out. Get some butter. Come on.

110g caster sugar – it’s always really annoyed me that this isn’t 100g. That would be so much neater. But maybe you’re not as OCD as I am and this won’t matter to you. Also, you’d think that someone as OCD as I am would be a more tidy baker, but I’m not. I’m chaos.

225g plain flour – I love flour. I usually end up eating this off the spoon then I feel ill later. So don’t do that, however tempted you are.

I’m sure there are meant to be eggs in this recipe but I can’t remember when or where you use them. So maybe have some eggs ready, just in case. I don’t think you’ll need them but we’ll see.

110g cornflour – what even is cornflour? This stuff baffles me.

Pinch of salt – easy.

Here’s what you do:

Turn on the oven to 170 degrees – you could do this later, but you’ll thank me if you do it now.

Smear some butter on some baking trays

Put the butter and the sugar in a bowl. Now you’re meant to ‘cream’ it but I’ve never had a clue what that means so what I do is get my electric whisk, shove it in and mash it around a bit, then I turn it on and suddenly butter flies all over the kitchen so I immediately turn the whisk off again and panic. I put an apron on, realising I should have done this first. Then I try to whisk gently, covering as much of the bowl as possible with my hand, but it’s not actually possible to whisk ‘gently’ cos the machine is either on or off, right? And when it’s on it’s not ‘gentle’. So then I give up and just mangle the stuff together with my hands until I get bored. I think you can also use a wooden spoon for this. In fact, maybe that’s what you’re meant to do.

Sift the flour and cornflour into the bowl – I love sifting. I really do. It’s like you’re making a tiny Christmas scene, then it all builds up and it’s not just Christmas any more, it’s the Alps and you can imagine a tiny person skiing down this beautiful powdery snow that isn’t actually snow, it’s flour.

Add the salt

Mix it all together – again, probably a wooden-spoon-job. Get stuck in.

Throw some flour on the kitchen surface

Tip all your mixy stuff out of the bowl onto the kitchen surface and knead it – this is the bit where I’m always amazed that it somehow starts to look like dough. Actual dough! Amazing. And yummy.

Roll out the dough so it’s all as even as you can get it. I aim for about a centimetre thick. I never achieve that aim. Judging 1 centimetre is surprisingly hard.

Get a fork & make cool patterns in the top of the dough – you’re meant to just prick it evenly all over. I don’t. I make shapes and pretend they’re alien crop circles or the logos of weird extremist political movements.

Cut it all into shapes. What shapes? BISCUIT SHAPES. Obviously. Triangles work best because that’s the easiest shape to cut and the sides don’t have to be even. Also, a triangular biscuit is perfect for dunking in tea.

Arrange the shapes on the baking trays.

Chill the shapes for 30 minutes. Hahahaha. Yeah. Like I’m going to wait an extra 30 minutes for my biscuits. What am I supposed to do in that 30 minutes? Clean up the kitchen? Oh wait, that would actually be a good idea. But I don’t usually do that. If you’re going to chill your pre-biscuit shapes for half an hour, you can leave the ‘turning your oven on’ bit until now. But I can’t usually wait more than about 5 minutes, so it’s good to have already put the oven on earlier.

Put the shapes in the oven for about 20 minutes – watch them turn all delicious and golden. Yes, I’m telling you to stare through the window of the oven for 20 minutes. It’s better than anything on TV.

When they’re just starting to go a bit brown at the edges, take them out (USE OVEN GLOVES, SILLY).

Sprinkle a bit of extra sugar on them.

Now you’re meant to leave them for a bit so they can get a bit firmer as they cool. But come on. You’ve just baked biscuits. You’re going to wait? EAT THE BISCUITS.

Also, SEND BISCUITS TO JOE CRAIG. That bit is important.

Codes, Clues, Secrets & Lies in Jimmy Coates books

noreply@blogger.com (Joe) — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 18:00:00 +0000

On page 138 of Jimmy Coates: Target (the UK edition) there's a code.

The book came out in 2006 and nobody has cracked the code yet (or at least, nobody has cracked the code and let me know about it). Every now and again people send me their theories about it - all wrong. This week I had an email containing a lovely, creative solution. Also wrong.

Here's the email (edited, to keep all this discreet) along with my response (also edited. What do you think this is, a democracy?).

From: xxx

Sent: Monday, March 10, 2014 8:38 AM

To: joe@joecraig.co.uk

Subject: Jimmy Coates: Target - Door code?

Hi,

I've been reading your books recently (they're great by the way) and I was looking at your website and you said the door code for the safehouse was easy to figure out with a bit of research.

Well, I'm a graphic designer who does a lot of web design and I found it odd that the # was in the middle of the code, they're normally at the beginning or end of a door entry code right? So I wondered what would happen if you put the # at the beginning and when I did it looked familiar. So now I'm wondering if it's a hexadecimal colour code? Maybe of the colour of the door? If it is it's a very nice shade of blue ;-)

Thanks,

--------------

From: Joe Craig joe@joecraig.co.uk

Sent: Monday, March 10, 2014 8:38 AM

To: xxx

Subject: Jimmy Coates: Target - Door code?

Hello xxx,

[general hello and intro and thanks for emailing and aren't you wonderful and all that blah blah blah]

You’re absolutely right that the # does look very odd in the middle of the code, doesn’t it? But I’m afraid that’s all you’re right about. I love the idea that it might be something to do with a colour. It isn’t. Am I going to tell you what it’s really about? No. That would spoil all the fun.

But I’m happy to tell you when you’re on the right lines, and you should definitely persist in not bothering about the #. It’s only there to mislead you.

Hope that helps. I’m pretty sure you’ll crack it now. Oh, I suppose it’s also only fair to warn you that if you’re doing research online (especially about me) there are several supposed ‘facts’ about me online that are just wrong. So don’t trust, for example, the internet. Just saying. If the internet had all the facts right then this would be a pretty simple code to crack. Fortunately it’s easy to make sure there’s plenty of misinformation about yourself online. Again – all part of the fun.

Meanwhile, if you get stuck with that code there’s a better one on page 155 of Jimmy Coates: Blackout (number 7 in the series – the latest one). The two codes are related.

I’ve given you way too many clues now.

Have fun and enjoy the rest of the series. Let me know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Joe

@joecraiguk
http://youtu.be/mLdAQoLRXBk
www.joecraig.co.uk
www.jimmycoates.com