jillluigs

Sacred Stitching

2012-02-09T16:08:00.001-05:00

For whatever reason I sometimes have what I consider a build-up of vast quantities of explosive energy that creates an implosion in my thinking and then my body. These past 16 months have been the first time in my life since I got into energy work back in November 2000 when I have had absolutely no massage, energy therapy, regular yoga, and extensive meditation. Oh, and I'm surprised that I've got pent-up energy???

So, last week when I could feel the excessively whirling vortex of energy that consumed me, I knew I had to go within. I can blame the people I live with, associate with, the town where I occupy space, etc., but it always boils down to the fact that my problems come from within.

I went to my bedroom with a linen napkin that Dan had tie-dyed and some embroidery floss that he'd splashed with some dye too. I sat in a yoga pose, breathed deeply, and let my thoughts go before putting the threaded needle to the fabric. As I stitched, I returned to a peaceful place. When I was done with the first piece, I put it in front of me while meditating, staring at it, relaxing my eyes, and allowing my vision to dance upon the sacred cloth. It changed me. It calmed me.

the first sacred stitching

I discovered that it wasn't finishing the piece and then meditating that altered me, but the process of stitching it and letting go of my thoughts, the not knowing what I was going to do on the cloth until I did it. It was the surrendering of the process and allowing what felt right to be the whole purpose of the stitching.

The stitching became the meditation.

I do not have a background of hand sewing or embroidery. I've mastered the sewing machine and have taught thread painting for decades, so for me to pick up a needle, thread it, and hand stitch is just absurd. I've spent most my adult life going full speed ahead, my foot flat on the sewing machine pedal and my hands pushing the fabric under the needle as fast as I could. Speed, productivity... more, more, more...

The first week I bought into a quilt shop back in the 1980s, I had 10 commissioned pieces to make or finish. When it comes to fabric and thread a sewing machine has always been involved -- until now.

It took me days to finish the above piece because I took it slow. I breathed slowly. I stitched slowly. I put the needle into the fabric where it felt it needed to be, and I didn't contemplate whether or not it was pleasing to my eye. I just let it be. What I discovered later when it was finished, and I used it as a focal point in my meditation, I could relax my vision and the stitches along with the designs in the fabric became mobile. There were reasons for each stitch to be exactly where it was. Go figure...

I'm now in the middle of the second sacred stitching. Dan dyed new floss for me to try out, and I just pick up what instinctively feels right, and make a stitch where I feel it. The artist in me sure jumps out every now and then criticizing my work. However, I know the real purpose of these pieces has nothing to do with the finished product being aesthetically pleasing as much as a powerful meditative tool.

This one is still a work in progress. I feel I'll be stitching on it for days to come yet. Because of this process I've centered myself, breathed easier, and have been more creatively inspired and have initiated many new opportunities for myself. This process will be a class I'll be offering in Oswego soon. Stay posted...

A Tie-Dye Christmas

2012-01-25T16:16:00.000-05:00

Now living with the master of repurposing, I've learned how to re-use everything possible. I can't remember the last time I even bought something new. We hit rummage sales, bag sales, thrift stores, and garage sales. Friends give us bags of fabric, decorative papers... you name it, it comes our way.

Last December commemorated my first year with the master dyer/re-purposer himself, Dan Leo, and we had an absolute ball making gifts for friends and family without spending a penny.

Really.

First off, I must show you our Christmas stockings, all made from tie-dyed t-shirts that Dan dyed, some he did in the '90s. You might notice some plaids or shirt material I gathered from shirts I received from friends. Dan's stocking on the far left is made from a tie-dyed t-shirt as they all are. His name is from a batik shirt he made, and the SYR (Syracuse) train and train station are from some men's shirts also. (I arrived on a train in Syracuse where Dan picked me up.) My stocking is next. I embroidered my name out of tie-dyed embroidery floss, used a batik shirt Dan made and made the flower from other tie-dye t-shirt scraps. Jeremiah's and Alyssa's stockings are made from two different shirts, just reversed -- his name in her stocking fabric and vice versa.

stockings hanging from bookcase with care

Ben's stocking has a sailboat for the sailor that he is made out of men's shirts and tie-dye fabric. For Nick I cut out a t-shirt Dan gave me that happened to be commemorative of his childhood, as his Jake's Pokeman and Rufus' Calvin and Hobbes.

squished together and still missing one

Zane had his at home so there's still one missing. However, all of the stockings are gone but three now. Jeremiah's, Alyssa's, Ben's, and Jake's went to TX, and Zane and Nick took theirs.

So, that left room for the next ones to make on our lists...

Believe it or not, those stockings weigh about 50 pounds apiece fully stuffed with all the things we "found" to give to our beloved friends. Again, the stockings are made from tie-dyed t-shirts and other garments. We made a sneak attack in the "middle" of the night (relatively speaking) and dropped off their treats.

Here's the making of one of the stockings. They (the lucky people receiving this conglomeration) happen to have a chicken coop, so Dan drew a likeness for me on paper, and I made it out of fabric and appliqued it to the toe of the stocking.

before chicken coop fully appliqued

I know not everyone has access to the plethora of fabrics that I do. I used to own a quilt shop, and I consider this by far the richest and most abundant time of my life with fabric. Quilt shops just don't hold the appeal for me anymore.

Here's a slice of the wall hanging I made for Dan. Again, made of tie-dyes and men's shirts. It depicts his four oldest boys and my daughter.

It represents the first year of our lives together. The top left hand block is the train stopping dead on its tracks. The block next to it is our tie-dye farm with a tie-dyed cow, chicken, and wheat so we can have the ingredients for our tie-dyed pancakes in the dining room below. The picture on the bottom left is Rufus, Dan (otherwise camouflaged as John Lennon), and me.

And lastly, my "sewing room"... It has never looked like this either. I have six sewing machines, umpteen boxes of fabrics, three mannequins, bags of cotton to be dyed, hanging rows of tie-dyed clothing, shelves of beads, tie-dyed jewelry makings, a cutting table overflowing with nonsense... I was just too overwhelmed to sew more than what I did. And besides, it gives the look of un-clutter (my new word).

And speaking of that said sewing room, here I am on the floor of it making a tree of life to go into one of those gigantic stockings. The tree is made out of men's shirts, and the background is a piece of sheet that Dan had tie-dyed.

And here's an uncropped picture of the completed wall hanging. I know, I know I have an amazing collection of tie-dyed fabrics at my disposal, but what I'm wanting to show is that it is possible to give from the heart without breaking the bank. I happen to use fabrics, thread, and craziness. What can you use? As my daughter's boyfriend said, "I look at what I have and see if I'm using it to its fullest capacity." Now, he might not have said it just like that, but you get what I'm trying to say that he means. Look at what you have at your disposal. Can you extend the life of it in some way? I happen to cut shirts for fabric, snip off buttons and zippers to put onto purses. Make whatever you have last even longer than you originally thought. Use your imagination and just go wild!

the making of creative happiness that resembles tie-dyed earrings

2011-12-15T13:24:00.001-05:00

tie-dyed t-shirt mini-scraps rolled into beads

This day I made 134 beads.

Looks to me like it ought to be soooo much more than 134 though...

before the real fun began...

the real use for the kitchen table -- making earrings

the first batch of earrings hanging on magazine subscription cards

another view of these beauties

the beads and the floss that Dan tie-dyed for me

and the 7-year-old model

the cards that Dan dyed and designed with the finished product

the very first recipient of all things tie-dyed!

my number

2011-12-13T17:18:00.000-05:00

Last year we received a Christmas card from a high school classmate who addressed it to both of us. We received it just a few days after I had arrived in NY to be with Dan. Today we got another Christmas card from him. This one was addressed to only Dan with a letter inside asking Dan to call him to let him know how things are going. Diplomatically, he's wondering if the card should have still been addressed to the two of us, but most likely now just to Dan.

Well, it's been 1 year and 5 days since I arrived in NY and moved in with Dan. Not only have we thoroughly enjoyed each other but it's been the best year of our lives, and at 55 years of age, that's saying a lot! I've never laughed so much in my life.

Now that we're embarking on year number two together, we've discovered a lot about each other and how we want to be in the world, especially with our art/business. We so love working together. I never thought I'd ever say that about a man again after working with a spouse in his field for way too many years. I was determined not to ever do that again. And yet, with Dan I have become a better artist, a deeper what-iffer, and one who wants so much more from myself.

We've been playing with a business concept for a few months now. We've been discovering how we want to show our work, and we're getting a finer concept on how that could possibly be.

I have loved Jude Hill's work for years, since Tina Ferguson brought it to my attention in an intuitive reading she did with me. I've been slowly sticking my toe in that ocean of hand embroidery, but with a different twist -- tie-dyed floss on tie-dyed fabrics. I've been making my own 3-D animals/angels with hand embroidered faces, and now I'm embroidering a shower curtain. Dan brought it home from a thrift shop. It's a Martha Stewart that he paid a buck for, and he tie-dyed it in pinks and purples. I embroidered on pieces of white linen -- a cat face, a woman's eyes and nose, and a flower -- and sewed them onto the curtain. This morning I laid across it and doodled all over it with Sharpie pens. I wrote large letters, drew spirals, formed leaves, captured a bee on a huge flower, and then I began to embroider each line. It's becoming... breath taking.

Yeah, yeah, it's a shower curtain that will eventually hang in the bathroom, something we'll look at only when we're using the sink or the toilet. Yeah, I get it, but while I'm doing what I'm doing in the bathroom I get to look at something that makes me smile, colors that warm me, and faces that bring me joy. What better way than to do it in my own bathroom? (Shared with two and a half men...) It's my bathroom graffiti. There are no phone numbers listed for a good time, but believe me, making this curtain with my own skill, imagination, and Dan's tie-dyeing magic has been a good time. And, the man who I'm having a good time with already has my number...

Vermont Trippin'

2011-10-17T17:16:00.001-04:00

Frog and me somewhere in Vermont

Yesterday at this time we (my partner, Dan, and I) were in Vermont. This has been a lifelong dream of mine to visit that state, if not one day live there. I used to ride my LifeCycle to a VBT VHS, better known as a Vermont Bicycling Tour video. Every time I would feel my thighs burning I’d look at the TV and immerse myself into the Vermont scenery, feeling my way up the hills and around the corners, through the little villages and past the general stores. I would be mesmerized by the views. I longed to visit there.

And finally I did.

Dan and I upon first arriving in Vermont -- in the back of us is Canada

Vermont is more my place than any other. The art galleries and artisan stores were of a much higher caliber than what I’ve seen in a long while. For the first time I’d actually seen many fiber art exhibits – two places, Helen Day Art Center in Stowe and Creative Space Gallery in Vergennes – had two of the most amazing ones.

Helen Day Library and Art Center in Stowe

The Helen Day Art Center was upstairs in the library. The library was a picture postcard with sculptures out front, free books on the porch, and a gazebo in which to sit while enjoying the views. The inside was like something out of a movie with a large white front desk and an accommodating librarian welcoming us in. The walls were painted white with beautiful crown molding at the ceiling, paned windows with deep windowsills, beautifully crafted wooden bookshelves, and comfortably inviting Queen Anne leather chairs in which to hunker down and read.

Besides reading I am enraptured with fiber arts. I’ve spent most of the last few decades absorbed in the art quilt world. However, lately (since singledom) I’ve delved into the clothing side of the fiber arts world. And, the exhibit in Stowe knocked my socks off.

Wylie Garcia spent a month on a dress for a year, and we saw her 12 dresses up close and personal.

I was entranced with her intricate stitches, choices of fabrics, and intuitive creative breakthroughs. In the corner of the exhibit was a small display of her studio with a padded book that she used as a pincushion,

piles of scraps on the floor beside her desk, a dog pillow

and braided fabrics on her chair, and framed photos and artwork on her inspiration wall. Her work and ingenuity bamboozled some cobwebs still hanging onto my own creative muscle. I felt stretched, pushed, and truly inspired to do more with my own work. I studied her haphazard stitching with yarns and threads, her expansive amount of hand-sewn sequins, buttons, and beads. “The Tulle Did Her In” was the name of the exhibit exemplifying the debutante societies she grew up in while living in Houston, Texas. Once a Texas youngster myself I recoiled at the memories I have of being a charm school flunk-out and later a teenage Sangar-Harris runway model. The false eyelashes, mounds of make-up, platform shoes, walking with a book on my head, holding a teacup just so… Oh barf… I could so relate to Wylie Garcia and absolutely fell in love with her irreverent use of tulle. Wish I had thought of it.

Dan with sculptures in Stowe

Stowe Spoons

another Stowe sculpture

In Vergennes the owner of Creative Space Gallery spoke my language when she told Dan and me that Vermont was a mutually supportive community of the arts and the artists. It showed. The not-for-profit gallery promotes artists and their works. Vergennes is a small town in Vermont that packs a beautiful wallop with its picturesque town square complete with gazebo and white church with a tall spire. It could have been one of those towns in my Vermont Bicycling Tour videos. Even its thrift store looked like an inviting boutique.

I was told that I would notice the difference between New York and Vermont immediately upon crossing into each state. I did. Vermont is pristine. Even its one trailer park I saw was clean and inviting. As soon as we re-entered New York yesterday it was instantaneously evident. Rusted vehicles, unkempt yards, run-down houses, and vacant buildings with chipped paint and loose shutters were prominent. For the previous two days in Vermont we didn’t see any of that. There were no signs telling us who to vote for or who pissed whom off and needed to resign either.

We drove through the Vermont islands and gazed at the rolling meadows, red barns, silos, and farmhouses. The general store on North Hero Island had clocks to let you know the global times, all reading the same hour because every clock was set at one of the island town time zones. These people were speaking volumes when they set those clocks. Their worlds were right where they were, and it showed. They took pride in how everything looked. They cared about putting their best foot forward. They cared about how they did business and how it affected their community, their environment, and their state. There was an inexplicable ownership that made them silently boast.

We did meet someone from Vermont. (I mention this because most everyone we had conversations with were from somewhere else and came to Vermont later in life to live.) He owned an artisan’s gallery and café in North Hero. He and his wife worked one and a half jobs, had a goat farm, owned and ran the store/café, and made most of the items in the store. Yellow Dog Farm was the name of their farm. They had yarns made from their goats that were irresistibly named – Luigi’s Locks, Oliver’s Wisps – and the labels had pictures of the goats whose fleece was now spun for the knitter or weaver.

Businesses in Vermont were in houses with front porches welcoming me. I felt embraced every time I crossed a threshold. I’m sure there were businesses in other kinds of buildings, but apparently they didn’t register on my radar because I can’t recall seeing any at the moment. Even the little “strip malls” were two-story buildings with beautifully ornate facades with individual character for each storefront. There was an insistence on individuality with a strong sense of community. It invited me in. I just can’t seem to think of other words to use for it. It invited me in like an opened door that I longed to enter. I’ve always been in love with New England. I loved living there many, many years ago, and I’ve been enthralled with every trip I’ve made back there, but there is definitely something different about Vermont. There is something so quietly comforting. It’s the beingness, the no-need to speak-ness, that pulled me in. The pristine charm, the desire to put the best foot forward, and the pushing of the creative envelope put me in a spell. I could feel the sense of community without anyone saying a word. I didn’t need to hear that Vermont was mutually supportive. I could see it.

So, here’s to our first trip to Vermont. May there be many, many more for Dan and me to enjoy together. And, if there’s any place or person I need to be aware about, please let me know. We barely scratched the surface, and I know there are so many other people and businesses we need to friend.

And now...

2011-09-14T15:39:00.000-04:00

Now, over nine months later I am still living and playing in New York. It's been quite a journey getting here even though here was never on my list to be.

I might've been born a Southerner, but since the age of 17 I never wanted to live anywhere else but Colorado. I left there in 2008 and have no intention of ever living there again. I've made my way across the country with a stopover in Texas and New Mexico before finally arriving in NY last December. If there's one thing I've learned it's that what I think I want and what eventually lands in my lap are two totally different things, or so it seems. When I really examine my desires closer, I realize that I have indeed come to the place where I've always longed to be -- in love with the most wonderful man in the world.

Still.

Before leaving TX the last time I was told that love was not enough, and I'm here to say that for me after all I've been through, I firmly believe that it's not only enough, but it's everything. It is everything. It's because of love that I leap out of bed in the morning and scramble downstairs. Okay, okay, the scrambling begins after the caffeine kicks in, but every morning I get to open my eyes to a delicious pair of baby blues looking at me and sip from a coffee cup with chickens ranging free on it. I am privileged to walk into a room where I can sew and create with wild tie-dyed fabrics and threads all day long. I am utterly and unequivocally privileged with the ability to think up things like I do, but also have a man like my Daniel who pushes me beyond what I thought was finished and complete. Finito means something totally different in his vocabulary!

I'm nearing my 55th birthday, and I'm realizing just how much I'm enjoying being me. That's been a tough thing for me to celebrate. I worked incessantly before to make amends for using up oxygen, and now... Well now, I breathe deeply taking in more than enough oxygen, more than ever before, and I appreciate how my lungs fill, my chest rises, and my head clears. I so love the ability to look clearly out the windows of my home and see pineapple tomatoes growing on vines or a newly-picked eggplant sitting on our kitchen table. I am blessed to find that the purplish color on the stove is from elderberries instead of dye. I have arrived in a place finally where I so eagerly belong. I fit right in. I meld perfectly with the artist that pushes me to see things differently. I marvel at our differences, and most importantly, adore who we are together.

How To Transform a Tie-Dyed T-Shirt into a Long Skirt

2011-07-16T15:58:00.000-04:00

How To Transform a Tie-Dyed T-Shirt into a Long Skirt

6 months and still going...

2011-06-07T15:28:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks six months since I first arrived in Syracuse and was met at the train station by the man who has created with me a life beyond my wildest dreams. I never dreamed of a man with 5 sons, or one in upstate New York, or an artist, or someone from my high school that I had never spoken with until last summer.

And, I never dreamed it could be this good.

After six months of living together, of being with one another every single day and spending every single night beside each other, I love this man more than I ever thought possible. The life we live together is priceless. He dyes, teaches, and schemes with me. We set up our tie-dye magic at home or along the road somewhere, and we have a ball. We're constantly coming up with more and more things to create. As a matter of fact, in the washer right now is a pair of my blue jeans that he tie-dyed. We're going to a Phish concert tomorrow with a friend and one of the many, many sons and not only setting up a tie-dye world for sale, but indeed having the time of our lives.

Tonight he's going out with the best of the boys and making a killing at poker, while his youngest is going to help me price the things I've made with Dan's tie-dyed shirts. Right now I'm making yarn. I've been cutting t-shirts into strips and balling them into yarn skeins for sale. The younger generation has been scooping them up for jewelry. One innovate young woman combined them with hemp for bracelets. They are stunning. I've been knitting mine, and selling all my "rug mugs", sponges, or whatever you want them to be. I'm now working on a bath mat. We're turning our bathroom into a tie-dyed magical kingdom, especially as it serves as a fitting room during our sales. (Next one Father's Day!!)

All of those have been sold already, so I'm adding that to my to-do list before we leave in the morning -- to package more of these babies to sell to Phish fans. We have a website to purchase those things we've got listed. We have so much more than what's online because I've been too busy to spend some time in front of the computer (not to mention behind the camera) to get the images uploaded.

I've never had such a filling and fulfilling life. I'm doing what I love with a man I absolutely adore. I did not know this kind of relationship was even possible. It has been the easiest, most compatible relationship I've ever had, and I guarantee you I've never been with ANYONE as much as I have with Dan and never, not once, uttered a disgruntled word.

We have one rule -- You can do anything you want. Yep, that's it in a nutshell. At all times we give the other person full reign to do whatever it is he or she wants to do. There's no judging, no criticizing, and no demands. It is that easy, that laid back... that loving. Unconditional. I love him no matter what. I wake up with him every morning feeling as if I have won the largest lottery possible. Every day spent with him widens my heart and just jazzes my creativity. Together, we truly are unstoppable.

a day in the life...

2011-05-02T17:05:00.001-04:00

This morning... oh, this morning... sitting down with my cup of coffee and stack of books before hitting the trail.

My new chicken mug full of hot joe just waiting for me to sit down for a spell. I was just minding my own business really. It's a Monday morning after a very busy weekend of dinner parties and frantic pace in the dye lab and sewing factory. I wasn't prepared for what happened next...

Suddenly, with my back turned for just a minute. I mean, merely seconds, I have been bombarded. Well, my coffee has. Once the cup was full and hot... All I can say is that I hope they enjoyed it. Since I haven't been home all day, not much telling what Beanie Babies on caffeine are capable of doing.

I decided to take my coffee, or what was left of it to the kitchen where sooo much commotion had taken place over the weekend, and some remnants were still visible.

Looks to me like there's a dangerous combo happening there -- metal, tools, and alcohol, not to mention hot sauce and bananas.

The wire "sculpture" is becoming, will grow up to be one day, a free form of my body to use for our websites. Women's clothing will be displayed on it for pictures on our etsy site, our meylah site, and our website. As of this posting our website's not hooked up yet, but check back to http://dyedstitches.com/ one day and hopefully it'll be up and running.

One of the things I worked so diligently on over the weekend were flowers made from Dan's tie-dye fabric. I was supposed to put it (the fabric) up on our etsy site, but I couldn't keep my hands off it, so here's a little sampling of what I did with it over the weekend.

A herd of flowers? A flock? An overload? Not enough? The inside circles are cut from a yellow wool jacket that Dan brought home from the thrift store. The backs look the same as the front. We're selling them on our etsy site also. The piece of fabric they came from looked like this at one time.

Dan's a master, and I am just smiling all the live long day thinking about him. I used to buy fabrics for $25 a yard that were hand dyed, and now I get the very best in all the land right here at home. Oh sweet baby Jesus!!

And here's how some stragglers in the flock look. Actually, these are the first born. This was before the rest of the flock landed on the kitchen table while Brazilian music, Ricky Ricardo style, was blasting from the boom box, and way before the Scotch and wine were brought onto the scene.

And now there are thirty-three... just a lot of watering and tending to the gardens going on over here. Hm, and there are the caffeinated Beanie Babies to check on. My work is never done it seems.

Decent Thursday

2011-04-21T18:25:00.001-04:00

Dan deemed today Decent Thursday since tomorrow is Good Friday. We've developed new rituals for everything we do, including Decent Thursday. We have three things on our list, just three, and it's almost 6:00 in the evening and none have gotten done, but it has been so very much more than decent today.

Here are the three things:

1. build a free form to use in photo displays
2. design business cards
3. get inventory set up

Dan has been dyeing in the lab like a crazy person, and that creates soooo much inventory for the sewing factory. There's the determination of where the finished items end up -- in the cutting section of the factory, in the photo department for our shop, or in Jill's and Dan's closet. Let's just say that out of the forty items that he's dyed so far, I have the biggest load hanging upstairs in our bedroom. I am scoring in the clothing department!

Here's a glimpse of what the factory and the lab have been looking like:

Chinese Spring Roll Sauce always goes so well with tie dyes!

and then of course the beverage of champions -- chocolate ice cream in coffee -- keeps the master going...

So here's what the factory's been looking like (this is not for the faint of heart):

There are two finished wall hangings on the back of the love seat waiting for their owner to come claim them. The rest are either clothes from thrift shops and/or tie-dyes from the lab.

You may think there's a pile of clothing in the corner, but I call that my fabric stash. It's filled with silks, linens, and wools. All either free or just a few cents each.

And yes, I have officially encroached upon what was once called the sports room with another sewing machine and fabrics. Oh, happy day...

And as far as what we have yet to do on our list, well, it will get done. Maybe not before midnight, but it will be completed. We are having the time of our lives, and documenting every step of the way. We've also opened up our very own online shop, called Dyed Stitches. We have our things in three stores, and creating new magic every day.

Well, Dan just stopped by the Magic Kingdom Office where I've been busy typing and interneting away to let me know that son number two has dinner waiting for us -- a home-cooked meal of chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, salad, beer, and... I'm drooling. I'm getting off now and continuing with The Decent Thursday Celebration!

the wind

2011-04-11T16:17:00.001-04:00

I am 54 years old. No spring chicken. Been around the block a time or two. So, how is it that I feel brand new?

It seems as if every single thing in my life has occurred to bring me to the moment I'm in now. I am here in NY with this man for a very great reason. I'm learning every single minute how easily love grows. It's astounding to me to feel the way I do about him. I think about him when he's not with me, and when he is, I can hardly keep my eyes (and hands) off him.

Where did this come from? I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I knew what it was like to share my life with someone. I'm finding that those beliefs are false. I'm discovering now what it means to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally that there's not a thing he can say or do that will lessen the love I feel. By opening to him, I've opened myself to the world, the most beautiful, contagiously gorgeous parts of the universe. It's a world I couldn't have wished for because I didn't know it existed.

I look back on my life as a single woman -- my real life, I call it -- and categorize my "episodes" like this: Steamboat Springs was my time for extraordinary spiritual growth and discovering who I could possibly be. The next phase, McKinney, TX, was my I-never-got-to-be-a-wild-teenager-before time, so I took the opportunity to let loose and cultivate wonderful friendships in a magical small community.

And then New Mexico hit me, and I mean that literally. My three months in NM was what I call my "hosing off" time. Apparently, the wild teenager in me needed a major hosing to integrate all the phases I had experienced so that I could be prepared for my NY experiences.

I came here to NY with three suitcases and a box. Absolutely no record of a past to speak of. Pretty amazing considering I used to live in the midst of great quantities of things. Things, things, and more things. I arrived with clothes, a few books, and essential papers. That's it. Nothing more.

However, in the 125 days I've been here, I've accumulated the greatest of all wealth. I am deeply loved by the most amazing man in the galaxy. I am rich beyond words.

I wake in the morning and look at his face. My heart fills to overflowing. I get to wake up next to him. I've never experienced such amazing wealth before moving here.

I recall my childhood with three brothers, a Catholic upbringing in the 50s, 60s, and 70s (And did I mention that it all occurred in the south of all places??), and I see myself now living in the north, non church-going without those said brothers, and I realize the transformation that has transpired. Every single experience, every moment, every breath has led to right now, right here with this man, with our art, with our love, our passion for each other and what we do. It's an extraordinary time, an amazing chance to create the perfect life with this very, very perfect man for me.

I was told by two people in Texas that I would have a relationship beyond my wildest dreams, that I would be loved like this, be given gifts regularly, and not once could I believe them. I scoffed at them actually. I had never had a man treat me with such respect or gratitude. I had no reference for that. I couldn't fathom working with a man I was in a relationship with and loving every minute of it. How could that be after working with a husband for 26 years and knowing that with each passing day, more and more of me was dying?

I was reading some messages that Dan and I had been sending to one another on FB last year before either one of us was ready to admit that there could possibly be more between us than we were letting on, and I marvelled at the genuine concern, beautiful sentiments, and glowing raves we shared with each other. We have respected each other from the very first word. We have believed in each other from the moment we saw each other's work. And now, what we have done together... I am humbled to call him my partner in business, in love, and in life. He is truly so much more than I could have ever imagined. He's allowed my freak flag to fly. He's actually encouraged it, and he truly is the wind beneath it.

You and me together

2011-03-28T18:13:00.000-04:00

I just looked at the pictures and video that are on my camera to see what I wanted to post today. What I really want to post is a video that I took of Dan this morning, but I don't dare do it unless he okays it. Dan is dancing to the J. Geils Band while cooking breakfast. The reason that I videotaped his dancing today is that it just feels so good to see him back to himself. He's been soooo sick, and to see him dancing today was truly one of the greatest joys of my life.

What last week taught me while he was bed-ridden is just how much I'm capable of loving. Even though he was right there in bed with me, I missed him. I missed his joking and his laughing. When he'd experience a coughing jag that would bring tears to his eyes, I would cry. I massaged his back, laid my cold hands on his forehead, and rubbed his arms. I wanted to do everything I could to make it go away, but I couldn't.

The only thing this experience mimics is the helplessness I felt when my baby girl was sick with strep. I remember holding her and rocking her little body through the night while tears ran down my cheeks. It hurt to watch her and to feel her little body be so hot and listless.

I'm learning the art of detachment over and over. I can love deeply, more than I ever knew existed, and still feel helpless. I'm learning that sometimes there is nothing to do but to let go. There are times when there is nothing I can do. Nothing at all.

I've been living with Dan now for 111 days, and what I've discovered is that with each passing day I am clearly more in love with him. Even in the dreariest, sickest moments I wanted to be nowhere else but at his side. There are times that just looking at him breaks my heart open even more.

And with that being said, I just remembered a video that I want to include in this post. Baby, it's you and me together. We can do anything. Ah, how I love you...

The Tam Prize

2011-03-13T16:50:00.000-04:00

For Dan's birthday a dear friend gave him one of his paintings.

This isn't the best picture of Ron Throop's painting, but it's what I've got on me right now. Notice the little triangular guy placed throughout the piece?

His name is Tam, and he was invented by Ron's 10 year old daughter, Sophie.

Ron entered an art show with two pieces, neither one having Tam on them, but brilliant nonetheless. Extraordinary, really. Dan and I decided we would honor Ron with our own award, so we set out to make our very own Tam prize with Dan's tie-dyed fabrics.

Here's the mastermind behind the pattern making...

I sewed the face together complete with alpaca dredlocks for his eyebrow.

And here he is upon completion...

And then we have one "mad" artist presenting the award to another who has chosen to hide behind his hand.

C'mon, have you ever seen a happier face on anyone??? And I'm talking about the man, not the Tam... Congratulations, Ron! You are an amazing artist and writer, and Dan and I are so privileged to call you friend.

what a life...

2011-03-10T17:13:00.000-05:00

My most enjoyable moments are when Dan and I are in the house working, not together necessarily, but jumping from his room (the kitchen where he's dyeing) to the sewing room where I'm cutting and stitching away. It's been raining all day. The snow's almost gone, and it was perfect weather to stay home and dye and sew. We've got a few projects that are needing to be done this week, and I'll show you the latest "invention" -- the sleeve purse.

This one is made from a tie-dyed t-shirt for a toddler, so the sleeves are really small. Dan took the picture with the measurements visible so you can see just how tiny this bad boy is. Perfect for a cell phone, lipstick, ID, and credit card. The strap is braided decorative yarns, and I sewed a little tie-dyed fabric bead on top of the patch in the corner. This is the beginning of this line. Well, not really. We've already got some at a store here in town. However, it is the first purse from toddler sleeves.

One of the things I realized today while I was watching Dan do his magic on his dyeing table is that we both dress very similarly. Our accents are now the same. (Only the two of us can understand each other!) We have slowly melded into one another. I told him today I can hardly tell a separation between the two of us. We've even awakened in the morning from having the exact same dream. This morning I walked into the kitchen singing the freakin' Monkees theme song, and he said that melody had been going through his head.

Here's one of my regular views, and apparently it was taken quite awhile ago, because I'm looking out the window now, and there's just traces of snow. The lake is flowing like crazy and not a piece of ice to be seen.

I have to admit that there is nothing as cute, warm, and homey as McKinney's square. I think of it often and remember having coffee in Spoons Garage, listening to Broken Code or Buzz at Cadillac's, having a UFO at Square Burger, and the list can (and does) go on and on. However, there is something about this town that draws me like no other. I am not really sure why I'm here except to be with Dan. It just feels very strongly that there's more to it than that, even though that's a huge reason. It's been life-altering. I told him last night that it feels like I'm more me than I've ever been when I'm connecting with him. When I touch him it's as if I'm plugging into who I really am. I've never experienced this before, so I find it extraordinary.

Happy doesn't even come close to the way I feel here.

I pull my hair back, throw on a few layers, and get to playin' in my room. The design wall behind me in this picture has parts of several commissioned pieces pinned to it. And, as you can tell I'm rarely alone. Just when I think it's safe to turn around without a flash aimed at me, there's Dan with the camera. I've never had so many pictures taken of me before. I was the photographer, so I was the invisible one. With Dan, I'm the subject.

Tonight's a night on the campus to see a documentary, and first thing in the morning off we go to see an art exhibit in Syracuse with his class. Afterwards we'll replenish our energy, and then commence with the drinking and dancing to live music.

Every day is a full one with Dan. Every night even fuller. I am at this very moment the absolute fullest I've ever been, and I just know it's only just begun...

Oh yeah, and here's one of the pieces now. The beginnings of this one is right behind my head on the design wall in the picture above this one. This is made exclusively from someone's clothing. The middle diamond is part of his handkerchief with his embroidered initials. His name starts with an "H" so I designed this piece to resemble an "H". The red is from an LL Bean chamois shirt. The blue plaid behind the circles are from a nightshirt as is the small squares and circles. The larger circles are from his ties, and then there's the bandanna strips.

Unbeknownst to the person who has commissioned me to do these pieces, I've also made a couple of items for her children from their grandfather's clothing also.

Here's a little purse for her daughter made of the pocket off that LL Bean chamois shirt. Of course, I had to sew in some tie-dyed fringe. The strap is made from decorative yarn and a strip of another shirt.

This is a zipper bag made from her father's overalls with the knee patch still intact. The zipper is from one of Dan's son's pants. You can see it a bit on the left side of the picture, and the lining is fabric from my friend's husband's shirt.

This has been an amazing experience to work with this man's clothing. I did not know him, and have only known his daughter since moving here, but from what I can feel while working on these items, this man was genuinely compassionate. What an absolute pleasure to be able to make these wall hangings, etc. I don't take this lightly. I've spent most of my adult life in anger, displeasure... just yuck. And now, I get to enjoy what I do with such magnitude AND with a man that truly is my magnifier -- he magnifies my joy, my level of happiness and sincerest love. I am awed. I am grateful. I am just blissed out. What a life...

sixteen minutes

2011-03-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

I have sixteen minutes to write something before this computer shuts me out. Sixteen minutes and I feel how fleeting that is right now.

Interesting because I was listening to an NPR show last Sunday about the myth of time. Well, tell that to this computer...

So, since my last post (I feel my Catholic roots coming on -- Bless me, Father, it's been 82,000 years since my last confession...), I've been sewing like crazy, delivering product to a new retail outlet for Dan and me, continuing to finish commissioned pieces, and throwing out resumes in Oswego. Yes, you read that right. I feel the need to sink my teeth into Oswego. A friend asked me how many people I knew here, and I felt it was way too few for the three months I've lived here. I've pretty much hunkered down with Dan (and loving every minute of it), and now would love to get out into the community and make myself known. Not sure, though, that Oswego's ready, but we'll soon find out.

Dan and I discovered new products today that will rock the accessory world. As soon as we're back home, I'm sure there will be pictures taken and posted for your viewing pleasure. The first one was completed today, and more, oh so many more, will be in production very soon. Let's just say it gives new meaning to pockets and sleeves. Just sayin'...

It's amazing what shows up for me under slight duress. Birthday presents were needed and voila! Out arrived the new baby of the Dan and Jill variety (and comedy) show. Cute as can be, and the only thing really necessary is to post pictures as soon as I can. So stay tuned, and witness the life emerging over here in the land of a great lake!

milestones...

2011-03-01T18:19:00.001-05:00

Today marks a milestone. I've been here in NY with Dan for 84 days, one day longer than I was in New Mexico. It's also the day before Texas Independence Day and Dan's birthday. Several milestones, I guess. I've never celebrated Texas Independence Day or Dan's birthday before. Again, new experiences, and believe me, celebrating with Dan is always a new experience. Because today is his last day to be 54, I want to dedicate this time and this space to the man that I am privileged to live with and to call my own. Ah...

Today we got our second piece of mail with both our names on it. I don't know quite how to describe what that felt like. I looked at both our names with an "and" sign in the middle, sent to one address. I know I live here with him. I wake up with him every morning. I go to bed with him every night. I call this home. This is where I want to encrust a few roots. Then I see our names typed together on a mailing label from a local museum where we are now members, and I feel as if the Universe is agreeing with me. We belong together. We sooooo belong together.

I'm working on a few commissioned pieces right now, and he's been documenting every step of the way. I've put up a design wall in my studio space so I can view the makings of the wall hangings from hour to hour, moment by moment. And before I know it, Dan's taking pictures of the progression of the strips, the circles, the squares, and the rectangles. I'm making five wall hangings and one pillow out of someone's father's clothing. He was a surgeon and a hunter, so I have a collection of silk ties and camo, dress shirts and overalls, not to mention the bright hunter orange shirt. Dan has given me advice, listened to my musings, and put up with whining when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't pleased with the pieces.

way before a million changes

I've never had this in my life. I've never had a man who was so encouraging to my artist whims. I've never had someone want to be a part of this growing experiment of making wall art from clothing. He has provided me with solitude when he knew I needed it and an ear when I needed to be heard.

We discovered each other when we were 54 years old, when we least expected it, when we both fought the inevitable. When we surrendered to the fact that we were meant to be together, it was (and continues to be) truly magical, and the easiest thing we both have ever done.

It's been 84 days of bliss, of extraordinary education in art, of stretching myself, and of allowing the most beautiful man into my life. I've grown my sewing space, and I've grown my imagination. The latest things I've done with his tie-dyes have yet to be completely finished, but I'll unveil the happenings here.

tie-dyed fabric beads

If it weren't for Dan Leo, I would not be where I am right now or who I am right now. I love it all more than I've loved any of it before. I've never felt like I belong like I do here, and believe me I knew I belonged in McKinney, Texas, so just imagine what my belonging in this place to this man feels like!

We're working on a name for our business. We thought we had it twice already. However, both names were already taken, so now back to square one. In the meantime, I'll keep posting our latest works and our latest comings and goings.

You know, people have always told me that if they knew what it was like to be a grandparent they would have chosen that first. Well, if I'd ever known what it was like to love this man and live with this man like I do, I would have done it first. But because we met up when we'd both been through a lot, after tremendous growth and pain, we have created a life together that is beyond compare. I could never have had this kind of relationship without first experiencing all that I didn't want first. So, to all that participated in that challenging growth, I thank you because right here, right now I'm the happiest I've ever been. This is right where I belong.

baring my soul

2011-02-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

Over two months ago when I took that train to Syracuse little did I know about the life I was propelling myself into. If I had known, I would have done it sooner.

I had no idea love felt like this. I didn't know the capacity or the depth in which I could feel it so strongly. Every day it escalates even more. Being able to wake up every morning and open my eyes to see the man beside me has truly been the warmest and happiest moments of my life. I am astounded at the feelings that emerge morning after morning after morning. If I could bring this miracle into my life, what else can I do?

I ask myself that on a regular basis. I truly feel that I'm still holding myself back a bit. There's a distrust, no matter how slight it may be, that keeps me from truly believing in my own talents. Dan and I were watching a movie the other night about Jackson Pollock, and one of the things that struck me was someone's comment that Jackson himself doubted his own ability in creating astounding art. Well now...

I listened to those words and knew they struck a resounding chord with me. The only reason I am not where I really desire to be artistically speaking is because I've held myself back. I've allowed the inner critic's voice to be a tad bit louder than I'd like. I shake my head at this revelation because it seems crazy that I would keep myself from getting what I really want, but the truth is that I have.

I've moved across the country to be with a man that creates the most amazing fabric designs. He brings me materials to work with on an almost daily basis. I've purchased all new supplies and tools. My sewing space has been expanded yet again, and I create daily. I dream about new items to make. I'm "given" new directions every night in my dream state. I've even had my next novel "told" to me while I was sleeping.

I have manically sewn fabric stories, purses, and artwork along with knitting scarves and purses out of Dan's tie-dyed t-shirts. Hardly a day goes by that I'm not in my studio space bent over the cutting table or sewing machine and madly designing, sewing, or cutting. My new inventory is building up beautifully. I look at all the purses, scarves, and wall hangings a lot. I marvel at them. I even question where they came from, and maybe that's where the hesitancy to market them comes from. If I can bring into my life a love beyond my wildest dreams, then why is it so confounding to me that I can create the items that I have? How can I possibly deny others' joy in having them? Where exactly do I get off making myself smaller, less talented than I am? What am I so afraid of? Being successful? Having it all? Sweet Jesus! How will I ever know if I don't push myself out that door and welcome those who have been waiting for me just as I have them?

So I grew up Southern, Catholic, and the only girl in a house full of boys. So I grew up being told I couldn't do things because I was a girl. So fuckin' what! Get over it already! It's time to play in the big leagues. It's time to thoroughly enjoy my life with this dear, sweet man of mine. It is time to relinquish all doubts, throw caution to the wind, and put myself out there because no one can make what I make. No one else can put things together like I do just as it's true about everyone else. When we don't give the world our best gifts, then who are we really cheating? More importantly, why waste our lives, our talents, our skills like that?

Why indeed!

Here are a few of the items I've been working on. They weren't finished at the time of the picture taking, but most of them are ready to shed their light all over the world! I so enjoy what I do, and my greatest gift would be to shower the viewer with that immense joy.

what I can do with some tie-dyed t-shirts

scarves I knitted from tie-dyed t-shirts

This one has some mohair yarn knitted in also.

I knitted this from one of Dan's son's knit shirts "seaming" it with a tie-dyed t-shirt, knitted tie-dyed strap and bobble for a closure. I still need to make the loop to put around the bobble, but this is my latest creation.

This is a purse I made from the sleeves of a tie-dyed t-shirt.

This purse is made from three blouses Dan bought me from a thrift shop. The brown is some kind of knit velveteen to give it a great texture. The only tie-dyed fabric on this one is the inside pocket and the loop that goes over the button. The lining is a cotton fabric from one of the boys' shirts.

And here's a view of some unfinished purses. They are all done now and up for sale! All are made from clothing, even the embellishments.

This is just the beginning, and I look forward to showing you more. Sixty-nine days after arriving here, and I've already taken over more than half of the front room. My fabric stash grows steadily, and I am so very, very grateful for being able to share with you what I so love.

going steady

2011-01-20T16:00:00.001-05:00

This picture shows some of the things Dan has given me over the last 42+ days we've been together, and the very latest thing was his high school ring. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it first right here. Dan Leo and I are going steady.

We went to the same high school a million years ago. Well, actually here's another glimpse of the ring so you'll know for yourself what year we graduated.

And if you graduated from high school about the same time we did, you may need to blow this picture up really big to be able to read the numbers.

You see, Dan has the habit of saving a plethora of things from his life. I do not. He has a bazzillion boxes of treasures. I pretty much have what he's given to me, and that's adding up quite a bit already. Just a couple of nights ago he was going through one of those boxes and discovered his high school ring. Since I gave him my tassel from my graduation mortar board, he passed his ring to me.

I've never gone steady before. I remember looking at some of my high school friends' hands and seeing their boyfriends' rings packed on their fingers with yarn. I couldn't resist doing the same thing, so in the picture there's plenty of fabric strips tied around that bad boy. However, it's just too cumbersome to wear. Dammit, just when I get a ring to go steady with the boy of my dreams, I don't like lugging around baggage of any kind.

Dan and I have been at his college today watching videos he's going to show in his diversity in art class, and lo and behold there was an artist that has to be a sister of his separated at birth. She and her daughter (Betye Saar and Alison Saar) searched all over for found objects to put in their art. They talked about how magical their worlds are because of the way they see it. They can take things left behind in a fire, for instance, clean them up, and use them as treasures knowing that at one time they were prized possessions truly loved by someone before a fire moved through their house and levelled it. They could take anything found on the street and turn it into something magical. They called themselves Conjure Artists because they were able to create magic from twigs, bottle caps, doll parts, etc.

I live with a Conjure Artist. Our house is filled with his magical tools. I've been blogging about creating a small spot for me. I made myself believe that I could only create in an uncluttered space, and the truth is that it's not true. Dan and I got to work together this week all week long. He's introduced me to artists I've never heard of. We've looked at pictures, watched videos and DVDs. We've talked about how we can incorporate what we're uncovering in our own art. Since arriving here last month, I've been on a whirlwind tour of art. I've spent my adult creative time studying quilts and art quilts. I came here without any books, supplies, fabrics, or machines, and it's opened up my world immensely.

For one thing, I live in the midst of Underground Railroad country, and quilts were used to signal slaves where to go, when to go, and what tools to take. Everywhere I've ever lived I've wanted to study the history of that particular place. This is the first home where I've immersed myself in it. I've discovered that the town library was built by an abolitionist as one of those Underground Railroad stops. This town has much to be proud of. It also served as a safe haven for Jews during WWII -- "Sadly, Fort Ontario would be the only shelter in the United States established for European refugees from the second World War and the Holocaust." (according to the brochure I picked up at the Chamber this morning)

How did I end up here? The town of the Underground Railroad and Safe Haven. The house of the Conjure Artist and all of his magic not only stashed in boxes but the wonderment in which he views the world. I have never felt so rich, so blessed, so full than I do right now. Once upon a time I had the studio that was uncluttered, that spacious 1200 sf studio with a separate room for fabric, one for notions, and one for designing, not to mention the expanse of window-filled space for cutting, sewing, reading, and sitting on the balcony looking at the foothills and Longs Peak. As perfect as that space looked, as uncluttered, organized, spacious, and amazing it was, it was the least creative of any space I've ever been in. It was bereft of love, and that I know is what I cannot live without. The love I feel in this crowded house with teetering magical treasure troves everywhere is beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

And, back in 1973 when Dan received his ring I would have loved to have walked around those school halls parading that chunk on my finger. However, now it goes into my stash of treasures, my magical space filled with books, movies, fabrics, beads, buttons, and a few threads, or maybe I'll keep it upstairs on top of our dresser where it can corner the spot of attention. It makes us laugh. It makes us not take ourselves so seriously, and most of all it alters our high school memories. They seem a little sweeter now.

Jill's spot

2011-01-13T15:31:00.001-05:00

So, not only did negotiations begin in the House of Leo about my designated spot, but the transformation began yesterday. Here are the pictures I took to document this momentous occasion.

Notice that lovely Texas flag behind the love seat. There is a sewing machine hidden in there somewhere also...

At this point you can see a bit more of the carpet. By the way, the only things that are mine in this picture can hardly been seen at all. Just sayin'...

And with the help of Zane, one of Dan's sons, the beloved Texas flag comes down. Oh happy day!!

And there he is in action! Thank you, sweet baby Jesus!!

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, the flag is down! I am one happy girl! Oops, did I use my outside voice for that one?

And now for a few Jill touches. These are wall hangings I made years ago, and the only ones I have in my possession at the moment. All others have been sold or are in stores in two different states. The one on the upper left was made from my wedding dress and Japanese silk Kimonos. The one in the middle is hand-painted cotton background with silk organza 3-D flowers with gold bead centers. The little one on the bottom right is a commercial print with thread-painted turtles, and the one on the top right is one I did of my daughter's high school picture. Her face is in thread and the rest is thread and fabric. The flowers between the pieces are made from Dan's dyed fabrics.

And this is the finished-at-the-moment spot in Jill's spot. There are more flowers I made from Dan's fabrics on the table. Beside the love seat on the floor are boxes of the fabrics I've accumulated while living here. There are four boxes, count them four, and I've been here about five weeks. I'll need to take pictures to show the blog world what I've been doing with fabrics that show up in my life.

Now for the very last picture until I do more transforming --

The table in front of the window has the sewing machine I'm using under the fabrics laying on top of it. On the other side of the room, Dan has been doing a little transforming of his own to make room for a place for me to cut fabrics, iron, etc. It is soooo almost done, but no pictures until I'm at least able to use it.

This truly wonderful man invited me to come live with him, and is now allowing me the highest possibility of taking over the entire front room. He calls it the Louisiana Purchase. His friend, Eric, calls it Manifest Destiny. In either case, let it keep going!

Jill's spots in Leo Land

2011-01-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

I thought I would begin this post with how I've decorated my number one spot in Leo Land. This is the white-ish love seat that Dan bought for me without knowing at the time that it was for me. It's his flag and sponge hand that parks itself in my number one spot, but negotiations have not begun yet to alter that. However, you can see by the contents of the love seat what I've been doing with his t-shirts... well sort of you can. I've been cutting them up, making stockings, knitting scarves, and sewing pot holders, to name just a few things.

Anyway, back to my spots in Leo Land. I used to live a very pristine life in Taos with NOTHING out of place. However, living with a man who loves to keep things has affected me in this way. I will show you pictures instead of describing it just yet.

books I've "inherited"

and more books

These pictures don't even come close to telling the whole story either. I arrived in Leo Land with three suitcases and a box -- a sum total of 5 books in my possession at that time. I have been here a exactly one month today and look at what has come to my side of the house already. Oh my gawd, what could possibly happen next?

my man

2011-01-05T15:53:00.000-05:00

When I first decided to move across the country to be with Dan, I had no idea what I was in for, but whatever it was, I just knew it was going to be good. I just didn’t know it was going to be this good.

I arrived in Syracuse on December 8, 2010 where my man picked me up and we kissed for the very first time. We haven’t stopped kissing since.

I’ve learned a lot about this man since then, and I’ve learned even more about me.

I live in a house full of men. It has a revolving door where young men come and go. They all happen to have Dan’s last name. One left last Friday, and a couple of days later another moved in. Well, at least his stuff did. I haven’t seen him since our last big meal together.

And that’s another thing I’m not used to. There are big meals in this house. BIG meals, meals like I haven’t had since growing up with three brothers. And all the men cook. I do the dishes. I just pull myself up to the table and food appears. It’s one of the most magical things I’ve ever experienced. Who knew? As a matter of fact, while sitting here typing this, the oldest of the frat boys brought me chocolate candy and a piece of fudge while I’m in his school library. That frat boy is the one I get to sleep with, so that chocolate was already melting before I got it unwrapped.

What else have I learned from this experience with lots and lots of boys? Well, I miss flowers. I don’t mean the kind growing in beds, I mean flower prints, flowered throw pillows, flowers in pictures hanging on the walls, flowers on my clothing… just flowers. Lace, pink, flowers, china, glass… you know, dainty, sweet, fragile things that go so well with flowered pillows. Right now I have a Texas flag the size of the capitol building tacked to walls around the little space I’ve precariously carved out for myself in what is lovingly called the front room, or better still, The Texas Room. Sweet baby jesus…

And sometimes I miss women. I remember soft voices, light touches. Somewhere far, far back in the farthest corners of my mind I can recall the sweetest laughter from people who looked much more like me. I remember arriving in Taos with my friend Tammy and sharing a closet filled with stilettos and flowing skirts and dresses. Now, I can vaguely recall what they looked like without glancing over old photos.

Would I trade any of it? Not on your life. This is my life now. While I’ve been typing this, the oldest son was sending me messages and his father was stopping by to check on me. Right now I glance at my bar on the computer and there’s a message from his father. I hear his voice behind me as he’s talking with a colleague, and I know he’s making his way back over to me.

Would I change any of it? Oh, I’d probably add a flower or two. I’ll probably adjust my attitude a bit about more things encroaching into or near my little niche. I’ll find some pink and lace and something to help me remember what it was like to share a closet with stilettos. And in the meantime, I am going to so enjoy all these men in my life, especially the one I get to call my man.

access to scissors

2011-01-02T16:47:00.000-05:00

What I started with was a tie-dyed t-shirt. Not just any tie-dyed t-shirt, but a Dan Leo. In the fabric art world that is worth some very big coin, and I got to cut it up. Yes, I'm sure there are minds around the world reading these very words and their realities have stopped existing for just a moment until they come to.

You see, once upon a time I went to high school in Dallas, and there I heard of a teenager named Dan Leo. I've decided after listening to NPR today while knitting that I'm going to change my history, but I'm not sure where to start. I just know that Dan and I have raised a whole lot of eyebrows because I jumped on a train with a one-way ticket to travel across the country to live with him after only seeing each other for somewhere around three hours this summer. Yep, we did go to high school together, but neither one of us really has a great recollection of even talking to each other, and so here we are living and working together. Go figure...

Okay, so back to the ball of -- no, I think I left off at the t-shirt.

Once upon a time in a house in NY there lived a man minding his own business when along came a Facebook friend request from someone he had gone to high school with. He accepted the request. Ooooh dear, what little he knew of the consequences of that action.

Just a few months later he decided to drop in to see this Facebook friend that he had gone to high school with while she was living in the Dallas area. That visit lasted less than three hours. However, just a few months later this friend boarded Amtrak heading for NY where she now lives with this man, his dyes, his boxes, his boys, and his fabrics. Oh sweet baby jesus!!

So, with one of his tie-dyed t-shirts (yes, I am getting back to the original point of this blog post) I (the Facebook friend) cut it into strips and knitted it into a scarf as you can see in the above picture. And, for your viewing enjoyment here are some other pictures that highlight the communion of talents in this household.

Here's the latest one I've been working on, gleaned from a UT tie-dyed shirt. Just a little something to do on a Sunday morning in the House of Leo while all the menfolk are asleep. Well, not exactly... I actually knitted this after Dan did a morning of dyeing.

Dan's pile of tie-dyed wonders. This is something he did in just a very few minutes. On the other hand, the pile I did yesterday took me all day. Hm, he's done it a day or two longer than me...

And here they are after being dyed. And after the next process they go through who knows what could possibly happen to them if I have access to scissors.
stay tuned...

ma and pa

2010-12-30T16:41:00.000-05:00

Ma and Pa

I was sitting here in the library working on a few things when along came this incredible man in my life with a figurine he got for me. He said it was us.

Now I know there are plenty of people out there who get gifts from loved ones all the time. I have never been such a person except when I was little and my dad would shower me with things that made him think of me. My father has not been physically on this planet for over 30 years now, and for the first time in my life I feel the very best that my father ever gave me in every moment he shared with me has been wrapped up in the most perfect package in the man that I now live with.

Every day that I'm with this man I feel so much more love for him. I well up with it and it spills out all over him. To have him in the same house with me, to be in the same building he's in, to work with his fabrics, to read to his little boy, to be able to do the dishes after one of his fabulous meals... wow, did the gods look kindly on me!

I told him last night that I could feel phase two of my time with him eeking into our lives. Phase one was getting to know one another, and oh! have we enjoyed that phase. I'm sure that's an ongoing one, but now phase two has crept into my brain and now I can't stop thinking and churning and creating and... There's nothing (well almost) I like better than to create things with his fabrics, and this morning he relinquished even more of his designs into my stash. One of his friends gave me a few bags of batting and fabrics, and you would've thought I had inherited the world.

In my previous life with the husband, I owned a quilt shop, ran another quilt shop, did commissioned work, designed my own patterns, and taught classes, not to mention wrote a book about a fiber artist. I had a 1200 square foot studio with five machines, a monstrous cutting table, a room full of fabrics, another one just for notions, a section for reading my wall of books, and every kind of paint, bead, yarn, etc. you can possibly think of. Ooh, and let's not forget the plethora of stamps and inks and papers and... well you get the idea.

And now I've got a borrowed machine, a stash of tie-dyed fabrics and t-shirts, a bag of batting, and a pile of fabrics that Dan gave me that I haven't looked at yet. The inventory I have now -- the one machine on my table, and the pair of paper scissors I use to cut fabric instead of all my rulers, cutting mats, and large cutting table -- pushes me to use my imagination more. I don't have the drawers full of stabilizers and fusing materials that made applique easy. Instead I draw onto paper the images I desire, and then freehand cut the fabrics I want those images to be. I don't have the tools I used to, and I'm finding that my designs flow easier. I'm more drawn to them. I just like looking at them so much more than what I've made in the past. I'm recreating how I work, and it's changing who I am.

I need less, and I create more. What comes from my hands now represents me more. I push myself to reconfigure how I work without all the tools and fabrics and notions. I stretch my limits until they're gone, and then I do it again and again and again.

I do it in a room that's filled with love for me. Can you possibly comprehend the enormity of that? There are moments that I just stop and breathe it all in because this is what I've been waiting for all my life. This outpouring of love. I want to do more for him. I want to be more for him. I want to grow myself so much more because he deserves it, and so do I.

So, I take what I have in my corner of the front room -- the fabrics, the ideas, the three spools of thread, the discarded men's shirts, and the buttons I cut from them -- and I send my imagination out in the far reaches of Idea Land, and miracles occur.

One day very soon there will be a website hosting all these morsels of imaginative fun, and I'll be sure to post it on the blog. For now, you'll just have to settle for some pictures taken of me on Christmas morning making a potholder for new friends of mine. Enjoy!

coffee and water mingle with the tie-dyed flowers I made

the Dan style is to embellish both sides

all fabrics dyed by Dan

All you fabric artists out there understand when I say I get to wake up every morning with this man too!

Christmas in Leo Land

2010-12-29T18:05:00.000-05:00

homemade yeast rolls

oh sweet baby jesus!!!

one of the amazing chefs for Christmas dinner!

So, my first Christmas in Leo Land, and it was more than I could have ever hoped it to be. First of all, the dinner was exceptional, and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Thanks to Dan's oldest two sons we were able to sit down to an absolute feast. There are no words to express my gratitude to both of them. They are amazing young men, and as they prepare to embark on their own journeys to other states, I will miss them terribly. They are not only talented and smart, but also so much fun. It's been great waking up to the bulk of testosterone that I haven't been around since I was a kid. This time though the boys are incredibly helpful, patient, and just so kind. It says so much about their dad because I see the very best in him in them.

I grew up with three brothers of my own. It was mortifying most of the time since I was the punching bag of the older two. Now I get to enjoy the company of Dan's three oldest sons before they all move away. I've been single and living without men in the household since 9/11/06. When I decided to jump on the next train to NY, the thought of living with several men again did cross my mind. What would it be like? What would they be like? Would we get along? Honestly, these questions lasted for seconds because I was so determined to be with Dan that I wasn't going to allow anything to keep me from him any longer. What I didn't count on was how easily we would all fit into each other's lives. I'm not going to speak for them, but for me, it was truly a piece of cake.

And, Christmas with Dan and his sons was more than I could have possibly imagined. Here's a picture of stockings I made for Dan and four of his sons. Dan calls me his Amtrak girl and he is my last stop, so on his stocking I made the Syracuse train depot with the train stopped right there. On each of the boys' stockings Dan helped me with the images that would mean something for them, so Ben got a sailboat. I cut up one of Nick's old t-shirts to applique the images on his stocking. One of Dan's pillowcases was sacrificed for Zane's, and I drew my own design of Calvin and Hobbes for the youngest.

notice the homemade biscotti brought to me with chocolates on the side...

Playing Santa while drinking coffee and eating biscotti in our bedroom was one of the greatest pleasures I've had on a Christmas morning. It feels as if I've waited my whole life to be here now with Dan and to share his life of boys and boxes and art and snow and everything else.

I've been here now for three weeks, met some of Dan's friends, been to his college, cleaned a few dishes, unpacked a few boxes, and just thoroughly enjoyed my moments here with him and his sons. I've been to parties, met artists, and visited the local quilt shop. I've spent many hours in the library and reading to my favorite six-year old. And lately the bulk of my time has been spent setting up my own space in Dan's house -- our house. Thanks to the oldest son, we made quite a bit of progress yesterday.

Tonight is the last night the oldest son will be here before moving back to TX, so we're having a family night. I am blessed, privileged, and ever so grateful to be considered part of this family. Not only is Dan an exceptional man, but he's also the best dad I've ever seen, and his sons are true testaments to that. In a very short time I have grown to love all of them, and tonight I get to celebrate with the finest of men anywhere.

And, to the oldest Leo boy, thank you for making me so welcomed in your home, in your family, and in your life. There will not be a day that goes by that I won't be thinking about you. Enjoy your adventure called life!

schmarkle

2010-12-19T16:53:00.000-05:00

I've always had this dream of a white winter fairytale where there were clapboard houses with candlelight in the windows, snow piled perfectly on tables and benches in front of a barn. In this dream there was a man who loved me so completely, so thoroughly that I was all smiles. In all those years of wishing for that dream, never did I think it was possible for me to love someone so fully, so completely, so totally that I would absolutely melt at the sound of his voice, or stop in mid step, turn around and just watch him walk across the parking lot with his six-year old and know that there was nothing more spectacular than falling in love with this amazing being again and again.

I have been with this man for 11 days now, and every moment, every breath, every movement leads me closer to him. I told him that the word love didn't even come close to the way I feel about him, so I had to invent my own terminology. I schmarkle him.

Schmarkle is when a person can think of another and just slide into that feeling. Just slide so smoothly that it's as if you put on your best pair of jeans, that oh so soft denim curved perfectly to your hips, thighs, and knees. Ah...

To schmarkle someone means that there are no rules, no conditions, no requirements for him to fulfill to make you happy. Just the thought of him would bring a smile to your face, just hearing his hand on the doorknob and knowing he's about to enter the room becomes an ecstatic moment. This is to schmarkle.

You know you schmarkle someone when you'd rather be with him than anyone else, and you don't care what he looks like, how he's dressed, or what he's doing because no matter what it's absolutely perfect.

And now I get to share a Christmas with the man I schmarkle. Oh my gawd... It is an absolute dream come true! Tonight's events consist of creating a creche with a neon sign for sweet baby Jesus, hula girl will be announcing his arrival, and I believe Gumby may have a prominent place too. The nativity scene is made out of clear glass, so I envision tie-dyed clothing for those in attendance. Because you see, in this amazing house filled with Leos and a Luigs fun and lightening up are priorities. The one I feel so strongly is behind this fun-filled venture is the one whose birth the world is celebrating.

Believe me, there will be pictures. It will be a masterpiece. And most importantly, it is the Christmas of my wildest dreams. It overflows with schmarkle.