Jess I Am

A BIG Scare.

jess — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 06:26:17 +0000

I have been having pain when I breathe since Monday when the bandages came off. I didn’t sweat it because I thought it was no biggie I mean, major surgery = some pain, right? I thought it could be a gas bubble, could be the bandages were too tight and my body was just going to feel it for a few days.

Well, it got worse rather than better and I started to panic. At the airport in FL it was pretty bad so I called the surgeon to ask him if it was normal. He indicated that it was probably Costochondritis which is swelling of the cartilage in the rib cage. Not uncommon after the ribs are constricted for an extended period of time.

I was satisfied with that and flew home. Today though it got worse and was hurting even when I didn’t breathe deep. I called my primary Dr and they advised me to go immediately to the ER to rule out any lung problems. Joy.

Tina was at work so she came home, picked me up and brought me to ER. On the way there she gave me my wedding band. It was a valentine that she got me that was sent to her job so it could be signed for only it arrived the day we landed in Fl so I had to wait extra long. Its perfect. White gold with a matte finish and one small diamond lodged in one side. I say lodged because its made to look like the diamond was forcefully embedded in it. I will post a pic at some point. Its a more masculine thickness than my original ring which was a placeholder until we could afford something permanent. It was also white gold with channel set diamond chips. I had somehow lost one of the diamonds and it looked toothless. Lol. I absolutely LOVE my new ring and will wear it until I die.

We got to ER around 4 PM. I had to confront my old name while checking in because the last time I was there I was, well, her. That was smooth but annoying and the receptionist updated my records. Almost immediately I had an EKG done. The tech was cool, she asked why I had surgery, I told her, she seemed unphased, I liked that.

Next was triage. The RN was also cool, also asked, and also was unphased. I liked that too. Respect.

Then to check in and update my insurance info. The admin girl was cool (and cute! *wink*). I made her laugh. She asked if my relationship status should be changed because it said civil union and she looked puzzeled. I smiled and said that was accurate before I was male. She laughed and said to Tina “he’s funny” Tina laughed and said “yeah and he’s already married” just joking around and being playfully adorable (I love her). The girl laughed and said that she was too. It was cute and innocently flirty and I enjoyed it.

After that it was back to the waiting room again where we stayed for about 3 hours until we were called to go into a room to see a Dr. I highly recommend the food cart in the waiting room at Bridgeport hospital. The ham and cheese sandwich that I ate had abt 3 lbs of ham on it and was very freshly made. Better than most of our local delis and a much better price. The lady that ran the cart had made it herself and she was really nice. Called me young man a couple of times.

I had to explain my surgery again about 4 more times after that which I guess is something I will never have to stop doing. I’m okay with that as long as I the person is professional and respectful which thankfully everyone today was.

We were able to watch tv. Me in my hospital gown, the closest thing to a dress that I’ve worn in a loooooong time, and my ball cap. My beautiful bride in the chair beside me reassuring me that id be okay.
The 1st nurse came in and got my entire report then informed me she was leaving at 7. It was 6:59. No lie. Next nurse came in, was nice but it seemed he was very new to nursing and his hesitation when starting my iv was unsettling. Dr was okay. Not terribly friendly not terribly not. He told me he wanted to run tests to rule out pulmonary embolism since there was no sign of pneumonia. That’s when panic set in. It was totally internal but thoughts rushed through my head abt my hypertension, and what a blood thinner would do to me if I did have a clot. If I was just supposed to live long enough to die in the body I had always wanted. I’m serious. I’ve known so many people, young healthy people to just die of some freaky thing like that.

I waited for the bloodwork to be analyzed. I updated my facebook and twitter. I texted with and have to shout out one of my closest and dearest friends Maggie who is an RN and currently living in Cali. She made me feel more at ease with her knowledge of the way these things work. She helped me be sure that the right tests were being run and that id be okay. Thanks Mags, you are the best.

The bloodwork came back negative for PE that was a huge relief. Then I had a chest x ray. Also negative.

Turns out it was exactly what Dr Garramone thought, Contochronitis (see how awesome he is?). I got a shot of morphine for the pain (that IV had to be used for something… lol) the IV was removed from my arm, and with it half of the hair on my arm. I have had so much body hair removed from all of the bandages on my chest that I almost begged him not to use anymore tape on me when he came at me with tape and gauze to cover the hole the IV left. I asked for a small bandaid instead, I’ve had enough pain for one day I think.

So we left, I was a bit high and the chest pain still present. By the time I got home I was really sick to my stomach and had to have my nipple bandages changed. Yep more hair removed. Had to eat another ham sandwich so I could take my antibiotic which makes me sick if I don’t eat.

Tina was my angel today. So loving, attentive, supportive. Showing me again and still how much she cares. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m glad I’m healthy enough to enjoy her a bit longer. (By a bit I mean a hundred more years at least).

I’m content with knowing the chest pain will go away eventually. Its just one of those things I guess. A small price to pay in order to be happy with the way my body looks, and I am, very much so for the first time ever.

A Post-op Quickie

jess — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 05:24:33 +0000

I just wanted to let all of my friends out there in blogland know that the Dr said that the surgery went very well.

I’m feeling great today and the pain/soreness is very minimal. I don’t plan to take the pain meds unless I really need them and though I took them yesterday and last night, I haven’t had to today. I’m eating well, appetite hasn’t decreased at all and I’m able to walk around just fine.

I’m very happy and can’t wait until Monday when the drains come out.

Thanks for all of the well wishes and the emails and tweets and love. You all helped me get to this point and I’m forever in your debt

Much love xox.
Jesse

Top Surgery Update

jess — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:46:25 +0000

Hey bloggers, I miss you all so much!

Here’s a quick update to let you all know that I got my bandages off today and everything is healing as it should.

I wanted you all to know that I am beyond pleased with the results! Dr. Garramone did a really great job as I had expected. I recommend him highly to anyone out there who is looking to get top surgery in the future. I plan to write a thorough review of my experience with Dr. G very soon.

I’m so happy to have the itchy bandages off and to still have my nipples.

We fly back home tomorrow and I’m going to miss the hotel room we’ve called home for the past week. I’m going to have the next couple of weeks off from work, so I will have plenty of time to catch up on my blogging. See you soon!

A Post-op Quickie

jess — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:56:47 +0000

I just wanted to let all of my friends out there in blogland know that the Dr said that the surgery went very well.

I’m very happy and can’t wait until Monday when the drains come out.

Thanks for all of the well wishes and the emails and tweets and love. You all helped me get to this point and I’m forever in your debt

Much love xox.
Jesse

Queer Miami / Fort Lauderdale?

jess — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 18:39:26 +0000

Tina and I are leaving tomorrow morning. My surgery is Wednesday AM, so we will have one night to hang out and we want to see Miami.

Can anyone recommend a good place to eat? I'm thinking Cuban… Maybe a cool queer bar? We can't be out late, I want to get a good night's sleep.

I woke up in a zen-like state today, feeling very much at peace. I'm excitedly looking forward to the procedure, the healing, the rest- and I have been taking time to reflect on my life up until now. How I got here, everything I've endured, the people I've met along the way who have helped me become the person that I am.

I'm thankful for the hard times, the trials of life that even very recently have seemed to come at me and my family full force and from every possible direction.

These experiences have only made me stronger, and have helped me to deal with what's to come that much more easily. I've learned what is important in this life:

Family and making sure those that I love know it and are happy, safe and secure always. I feel the same about anyone I consider to be a true friend.

Community- building, embracing and helping to move forward.

Living a happy and peaceful life and leaving out situations which cause anxiety, negativity and stress.

I feel fortunate to have been able to have lived the life that I have and I'm ready to dive into my future head first.

So yeah, hit me up if you know of a cool place to dine in Miami.

2010 started out rough

jess — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 18:08:27 +0000

I’ve missed you, blog friends. How have you been?

I can’t believe it’s been 25 days since I last posted here. Way to start the new year, huh? Welp, there’s good reason for it, this year has gotten off to a pretty rough start but I’m getting used to taking life’s blows square in the nose.

Jan. 1

Our third wedding anniversary. NYE was nice, pretty low key- spent with great company, great food and of course a little alcohol. It was a unique NYE for us because for the past few years we’ve been having a party at our house and had to do a lot of running around and preparing for it and then alot of clean up the day following. This time, we got together at our friends’ new home and there were 6 of us total, the home was so new they hadn’t gotten cable hooked up so there was no Rockin’ Eve blastin’ on the TV. We used a clock to tell us when in was midnight and I think we may have been in bed asleep by 1 (we stayed the night with our friends which again was awesome, not having to deal with driving). It was a really nice and memorable night and I liked that it was so stress free and chill.

Married three years already. Doesn’t time fly? I love you so much baby.

Jan 2

I decided it was time to quit smoking, and Tina did too. We were actually doing really well for 9 days. No more crazy withdrawal attitudes. It was getting pretty easy and I was so proud of us.

Jan 3

Bowling started back up! I had a great first night, bowling all three games well above my average. Woot woot!

Jan 9

I was sick again, for the third time in a month I had an ear infection and sinus infection and now a throat infection. I saw the Dr, got antibiotics and went to bed.

Jan 10

I found out the hard way that my son didn’t feel that his life was worth living anymore.

That was the day that felt like time stopped everywhere else in the world and everything went silent. I forgot I was sick, and the only things I could hear were cries, hospital sounds, my heart beating really loudly. My little family’s heart was broken worse than ever before and I had to hold it together. I needed to be strong, to not cry. I hadn’t even heard about the Earthquake in Haiti until days after it had happened.

Tina and I didn’t go to work for three days, I didn’t sleep for more days than that. All we ate was fast food for a week.

We painted and renovated his room while he was gone with help from a few friends so that he’d come home to a new and happy space. A nice slate grey, with white trim. We added a small black board by the door with chalk board paint and personalized it with his name in red. We hung black suede-like curtains and we mounted his guitars on the wall. All of his furniture was painted black with chrome hardware. At least 15 loads of laundry, washed, dried, folded and put away. Kristie gave him her laptop because she had just gotten a new one. We copied over all of his files for him, Katie fixed the broken keyboard. Everything was perfect.

The work kept us busy and honestly I think kept us sane. He was going to be ok, that’s what it told us. He’d be back home soon and he’d love it. We were so lucky.

I missed him a lot and every minute I worried about him. Was he eating? Were his new piercings getting infected? Was he cooperating? Being open?

I blamed myself like I’m sure most parents do in these situations. I had been to hard on him. Pushed him to much, was too grouchy, so easily frustrated. I didn’t tell him often enough that I love him. I didn’t show him well enough. I had failed him and didn’t even see it prior. That day, Jan 10, I decided that things were going to be a whole lot different from here on out. That I was going to be different.

Do dirty dishes really matter that much? No, they don’t in the grans scheme of things. Why let little things get the best of me? Life is too short and way to precious.

Tina and I decided we’ll spend more time at home from now on, and do more with the kids. We’ll spend much less time hanging out and being social on the weekends unless the kids can come. We’ll eat dinner together. We’ll be more involved and know what’s going on so that we don’t miss important signs. We’ll be more aware. We’ll keep each other in the loop. We won’t assume anything anymore.

Jan 11

We began smoking again. From zero to a pack a day just like that. I was still sick and by now feeling much worse.

Jan 18

Was my beautiful lady’s birthday. Since we’ve been really strapped for cash from putting everything we could toward the surgery and then spending money we really didn’t have decorating the boy’s room, I wasn’t able to get Tina the gift that I wanted to. Then it hit me. We had a big jar of loose change that we’d been collecting for a few years. I asked the boy to help me roll it and I cashed it in and was able to have enough to get Tina teh Wii Fit Plus which she’s wanted for a while. Now that’s what I call luck. A few friends dropped by with very thoughtful gifts and were there to have cake with us. It was nice to see Tina smile again after so much heartache.

Jan 23

I pulled off an awesome surprise party with the help of some of the most awesome friends in the world and the kids (thanks everyone!) She was legitimately surprised, SCORE! …and score he he he

Jan 25

TOP SURGERY PAID IN FULL – I can’t thank you all enough for everything you’ve done to help me meet this goal.

This is me, today - Day 223

Without you it would have been 3 years before I could have saved up enough money to do it. I’ll never ever forget your support and generosity and promise to be charitable and pay it forward whenever I can in the future to those in need of help.

Also my first day smoke free and nothing can make me smoke again.

My surgery is in 29 days. TWENTY-NINE DAYS. From here on out I’m eating healthy, not smoking and working out.

Happy 3rd Anniversary, Angel.

jess — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 16:00:08 +0000

My Sweet Tina,

I can’t believe it’s already been three years since that night in our living room when you legally became my wife. I was so happy that night, and I’m even more happy this night because we’ve shared so much more together since then.

I probably don’t tell you enough just how much your presence in my life means to me.

You’ve brought me so much happiness and fulfillment and have shown me that it is possible for me to have a solid and lasting relationship full of mutual love and respect.

You are the most beautiful woman in my world, and I’m fortunate to be the one that you’ve chosen to share your heart and body with. Thank you for all of the many ways that you love me and for sticking with me through the hardest times. I’m a better man because I have you as my wife.

I love you more and more everyday,

Jesse

197 days

jess — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:01:01 +0000

…on T that is. Yes, I know, 197 is an odd number to use as any sort of landmark. I just know that if I don’t blog about this now, I won’t. Never a dull moment in this life o’ mine.

Before I get into the transition stuff there are a few other things I want to write about.

1st – our good friends L & D closed on their first property yesterday and I’m really happy for them. Congrats guys!

2nd – It’s possible that I’m addicted to playing the new Super Mario Bros for Wii. (Thanks Santa)

3rd – I got a Christmas card addressed to my old name from my father. Not only was it on the outside of the envelope, but inside the card. The card had money in it that I really could have used but I sent it back with a letter explaining why. This should be interesting.

4th – My father’s mother (my Memere or Meme’ since we’re of french canadian heritage) is in her 90s and sadly is not doing well. She’s been in the hospital for days with failing kidneys due to her diabetes.

I want to go visit her while I still can, but since my father told me when I disclosed that I’m trans that he didn’t want her to know so I’m in a very tough spot. My father’s side of the family is huge but I’ve never really been close to them. The only ones on that side that I even consider family are my Meme and an aunt or two. As far as I know, none of them know I’m trans. I’m afraid that if I just show up at the hospital, that somehow it would become about me when all I really want to do is see my Grandmother. I don’t know what their reactions would be… most of them I haven’t seen in years. Of course I also wouldn’t want to risk upsetting Meme in her feeble condition.

So.. dilemma!

5th – Red Alert. I’ve managed to raise $4500. which is so incredibly amazing thanks to my friends in blogland and in real life. You guys are awesome, I hope you know that. I really can’t express enough how touched and grateful I am for your support with this.

The balance due on my surgery is $5200. This means I’m still about $700. short (so close!!!). We paid for the trip to FL out of pocket and that was $1252.54 we don’t have a whole lot more that we can afford to contribute between now and then but we’ve got every extra cent budgeted to go towards food/incidentals while we’re in FL.

This is really my last public outcry for assistance. You’ve got to be tired of hearing about this by now, so I won’t be asking again after this I promise. I’ll remove the button from my sidebar as soon as the goal is met. We could really use the help if you have any cash to spare.

__________

Now on to the changes.

Hair – it’s getting thicker, longer and darker everywhere. I got one of those body groomers and trimmed it all, legs included because seriously I was looking like chewbacca. That just made me itch all over so I think I’m going to have to deal with being a really hairy guy. It’s in my genes anyway so I saw it coming.

Fat redistribution – I need to buy all new underwear because the ones I have are all too big. I’m happy to report that. My chest is also quite deflated.. lol. Who knew that so much of the breast was just fat?

Voice – It’s stabilizing and not as hoarse all the time. I’m getting to know it better and it doesn’t sound so weird to me anymore. I’m also starting to sing with a little more confidence when I’m in the car.

Sex drive – still pretty intense, but this week it hasn’t been as frustrating.

Muscles – I have not been to the gym in a couple of weeks so nothing big to report here. I have finally gotten to the point of being able to do consecutive pushups which is something I’ve never had the upper body strength to do.

T – 29 so far, 30 happens this Monday. I can’t believe it’s only been 6 months, but I also can’t believe it’s been 6 months already.

Here’s me right now:

Review – Mantric Sysil Edge

jess — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:50:32 +0000

Disclaimer: This post is not safe for work

Eden Fantasys recently gave me an opportinity to try out and review a new sex toy, the Mantric Sysil Edge. It’s a double-ended, dildo that requires no harness. Since I’m all about trying to find the perfect packing cock, I thought I’d give this a try.

What makes the Mantric Sysil Edge stand apart from other toys in it’s category, is the fact that it’s made to be used in multiple positions.

The “holding shaft” (which is the part that’s inserted into the person wearing it) is 3 3/4″ long and made of a very firm grade of silicone
the “thrusting shaft”, the other end of the product is made of a more flexible, yet still firm grade of silicone and is 5 1/2″ long – and not very gurthy
these two shafts connect via a joint called a holding pin, made of very hard silicone, which allows the toy to be used in four different positions
a plastic bullet type, push button vibrator that inserts under the base of the thrusting shaft and can be easily removed due the what Mantric calls
the “venting shaft” which is a small nub on top of the base of the thrusting shaft with a small hole at the end of it to allow air into the space for easy removal of the vibrator

I think Mantric had the right idea when inventing this product. it’s very high quality, it’s all silicone except for the vibrator which makes it possible to boil it to sterilize between uses. The venting shaft is a fabulous idea, because those little vibes can get stuck inside of toys due to the suction.

My personal experience with this product was not very good I’m really sad to say. I tried to use it in the different position and found that the most comfortable for me regardless of the sexual position was with the pin removed so that the shafts would move with me. The holding shaft didn’t work well with my anatomy and it slid out with every thrust regardless of position, with and without the holding pin. I repositioned it quite a few times and really tried hard to make it work, but it just wasn’t happening for me. I ended up grabbing my harness and using it that way which wasn’t too bad because we still got to experience the vibrations, but the wife and I both agree that we probably won’t be using this one again.

I liked the Share XL much better personally because, well, it worked.

Pros:

very well crafted
silicone
vibrates

Cons:

one size definitely doesn’t fit all
not at all phallic

This one only gets three stars from me.

Mantric Sysil edge Double ended dildo by Mantric Material: Silicone Safety: $89.99 Buy from EdenFantasys
Rating:	Vroom:	Bee:

LGBT, can you see me?

jess — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:39:40 +0000

I've been having some transition related issues lately and I have been meaning to blog about it but time has gotten away from me. There's so much going on all of the time I almost don't have any time to process the monumental and very personal changes in my life. I'm planning to talk to my therapist about this on Tuesday.

I have to admit it feels pretty free to be out in public and to be read properly 99% of the time now. It feels awesome to make a call to a customer service line and be called Mr and Sir, etc. especially when the person hasn't ever met me before I began my transition and has nothing to compare the new me to. Straight people in my life have come a long way with pronoun usage and proper name. As far as transition goes, things are going very well.

The biggest thing right now is adjusting to the way I'm perceived now ini a queer space as a man who's married to a woman. I knew we'd be seen as a straight couple when we're out in public, but I guess I wasn't prepared to be seen as a straight couple in an all or mostly queer space too.

Queer space is where I'm at home. I'm not comfortable at all in an all straight space and don't identify at all with even the straight. When I'm in a queer space and I'm not seen for the genderqueer trans guy that I am and it's heartbreaking. On the inside I'm jumping up and down waving my arms in the air screaming "I'm Queer too!" to no avail.

I know there's no way in this world for a person to have everything, but the last thing I ever wanted was to not be seen by my own people. I understand how femmes can feel invisible. I also understand why so many trans men aren't openly trans and prefer to disassociate themselves from the GLBT community and just blend in with the cis guys.

An experience over the weekend floored me and I'm still not sure how to feel about it.

Tina and I have recently made friends with a really awesome lesbian couple and we were invited to watch football and eat at their house on Sunday. We only knew them and another couple who we're good friends with, the rest of the people there we had never met. There were a few older lesbian couples, and a couple of straight guys that were family. So when I walked in with Tina we introduced ourselves and almost immediately one of the woman said "oooh, yes, another guy! my brother and nephew are out on the back porch hanging out" and I felt like that was my queue to go off and hang out with these straight guys I'd never met before when my purpose for going was to hang out with my friends. My lesbian friends.

Truth be told, I hardly even had a clue of who which teams were playing, I don't understand the game at all, I'm not interested in learning to understand it either. I was there for the friends and of course the food!

Granted, the woman was sweet and had no clue I was trans when she said that so I can't blame her She was jsut trying to be helpful I'm sure. Maybe that's how guys roll. I wasn't brought up to be a man, so I guess there are things I'm pretty clueless about.

It was just weird to not be seen in a queer space like that and it makes me feel sad that Tina's identity got all messy because I decided to transition and she feels these things without having signed up for it.

Does anyone out there have similar feelings/experiences? I need some advice on how to handle situations like these without having to tattoo queer on my forehead.