JASON BOYETT: author of the Pocket Guides

Friday Miscellany

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:13:00 +0000

It's been an eventful week here at the blog, thanks to the naughty words and romance novels and worship discussion. Which is a weird combination of things, starting the week with pee-poop-panties and ending it with a more serious topic. Anyway, thanks to those of you who participated in all the worship-related conversation. It was fun.

Now, some random stuff for your weekend.

1. Back in August, I did an interview with the gang at Rethink Monthly about my Pocket Guide books, which also ended up discussing the whole Michael Jackson/Heaven/Daily Beast brouhaha and, for some odd reason, Sasquatch. Which is to say, it was an entertaining conversation. If you want to know about the idea behind the Pocket Guides and my thoughts on making readers mad, then give it a listen. (Not sure why the podcast has just now hit the airwaves.)

2. Discovered this week the awesomeness of My Life is Average. You need to discover it, too. Sample entry: Yesterday when I went into the bathroom stall, written on the wall beside me was,"If you watch jaws backwards its about a huge shark that throws up so many people that they need to open a beach." I laughed hysterically in the stall. I hope nobody heard. MLIA

3. This week featured the rise and fall (but possible resurrection?) of ChristianChirp, a Twitter alternative for Christians. I'm hoping most of my readers will realize how silly the idea is. If not, you should read Kevin Hendricks' recap of it. Good one, Kevin. Bad one, Christian Chirp.

4. Leave it to Internet Monk to write one of the best seize-the-day posts I've ever read, without actually using any clichéd carpe diem language. "There's always a day before." Devastating and inspiring. Live this weekend and be glad in it.

5. Relevant Magazine is holding a Pocket Guide to Sainthood-related contest. Submit your own saint-and-patronage and you might win a $100 gift card. The Great Relevant Saint-Off.

6. Speaking of that, have you purchase Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, Pocket Guide to the Bible, or Pocket Guide to Sainthood yet? You should. Then you should review it on Amazon. But don't take my word for it. Take Nicole Wick's.

I'm out. Have a good weekend. See you next week.

Annoyed by Worship: Solutions

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:02:00 +0000

Yesterday we had a good discussion about some of the limitations of worship -- or at least the modern worship movement, even though it defines worship too narrowly as "the singing part of a church service."

And there are a lot of limitations, from vapid songwriting to theological confusion to an over-reliance on psychological/emotional touchstones like key changes, crescendos, and tempos.

I'll readily admit to not being much of a problem-solver. I like to ask questions no one's asking, stir the pot a little, and then let the discussion happen without getting too involved. That approach has its own problems, I know. But that's always been my fleshly thorn: too many questions, and not enough answers. Also, too many chocolate chip cookies, and not enough celery. But that's another blog post.

Let's consider the annoyances mentioned yesterday in both the blog post and the comments and discuss what -- if anything -- can be done to fix them. It's not as simple as saying "We need to return to the ancient hymns," because some of those are just as goofy or inauthentic-sounding as any others. (I can't sing "There is a fountain filled with blood..." without going all Stephen King in the theater of my mind.)

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How do we worship, then, if we hate the songs?

How do we worship authentically if singing certain lyrics makes us feel fake?

How do we worship if the forms of worship -- the music, the outward expressions, our own hang-ups -- distract us?

How do we re-educate the churchgoing population on the purpose and definition of worship?

How do we worship if we're questioning the purpose of worship in the first place? Can worship occur amidst the struggle to believe?

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Now that we've complained about it, let's offer some solutions. Let's keep the discussion going. Your turn...

Five Confessions: Annoyed by "Worship"

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:12:00 +0000

I have five worship-related confessions to make.

1. I play the drums in the worship band at my church. One reason is because I love to play the drums. It makes me happy. The other reason is that I'd much rather be on stage during the worship time than out in the audience "worshiping." Why? Keep reading. To my possible detriment, I'm gonna tell you.

2. I am perpetually annoyed that we refer to the singing part of a church service as "worship." As in, this is the part of our Christian lives that involves worship, and preferably a kickin' praise band will be around to facilitate it. To think this way ignores pretty much all of the Bible, which makes it clear that worship includes a host of things other than singing -- like giving, serving, sacrificing, pondering, praying. Calling the part of the church service when the singing happens worship is like identifying eating as only that which we do at McDonald's.

3. While singing, ahem, "worship songs," I like to think about the lyrics I'm singing. This inevitably results in two scenarios. First, I get sidetracked by lines that are particularly declarative and say something I would never say (or that I would blush at saying about, well, anything). Take this phrase, for example, from "Here I am to Worship" by Tim Hughes:

You're altogether lovely /Altogether worthy / Altogether wonderful to me.

Never mind the weird parallelism of the altogethers. I am just not an emotional, touchy-feely kind of person. I would never tell someone that they are "lovely" or "wonderful" to me. It's such gooey language and it feels totally weird and inauthentic for me to say. To say that to God? It feels totally fake.

The second scenario is that the song lyrics say something that isn't exactly true for me, or at least not true the moment I'm singing it. Take, for example, a phrase from the chorus of "You Are My King," by Billy Foote.

Amazing love, I know its true / It's my joy to honor you

I'm not always sure what it means for me to honor God. During the times I think I do know, I'm not certain it always brings me joy. Honoring God sometimes requires sacrifice, right? That's not always joyful. I can't always sing lines like this. Either they're too ambiguous to be true for me personally, or they're a flat-out lie.

4. I also get annoyed at the thoughtless banality of many worship songs. Cliches. Dorky rhymes. Meaningless Jesus-is-my-boyfriend language. I realize I can sound like a grumpy crank, but can we not come up with some more creative ways to talk about God than the kind of phrasings that overly rely on adore/Lord and love/above rhyme sequences? What in the world does "open the eyes of my heart" mean anyway? Why are we always asking, in worship songs, for God to "show us Your glory" when God explicitly told Moses that he would die if he beheld His glory? If what we call "worship" is really worship, then why does it have to be so dumb?

5. Because when participating in corporate singing, I think of this lovely and wonderful video, because it is so spot-on when it comes to the outward expression of worship.

Anyway, end of rant. I play the drums because that's the most comfortable place for me to be during the "worship" time, and I am possibly a heartless jerk for thinking this way.

Thanks to my archaeologist/theologian friend Bob Cargill for getting me thinking about the subject.

[The above cartoon is by Dave Walker at CartoonChurch.com.]

The Christian Romance Novel Naughty List

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:37:00 +0000

Steeple Hill is a line of Christian women's novels published by Harlequin, the great-granddaddy (or grandmother?) of the romance novel industry. When you think of romance novels, you probably think of a buff, hairless, massively pectoral man clutching a lovestruck maiden with a bosom nearly heaving from her corset. Right? You probably don't think that fits very well within the Christian reading market.

You're correct. (Right: Guess which cover is the Christian one?)

Thanks to a thoughtful email from Bryan Allain, I now have proof how difficult it must be to write a legitimate romance novel--or any novel, for that matter--for Christian readers. He pointed me to this list on the Harlequin/Steeple Hill website. It contains a list of terms that cannot be used in a Steeple Hill novel. You might think it's a joke, but I'm pretty sure it's not.

So I'm just going to reproduce the list verbatim, along with the hilariously clarifying explanations or suggestions accompanying these forbidden phrases. Enjoy.

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Terms that cannot be used in a Steeple Hill novel:

Arousal
Bastard
Bet/betting
Bishop
Bra
Breast (except for breast cancer if necessary)
Buttocks or butt (alternatively, you can say derriere or backside)
Crap
Damn (try "blast" instead)
Darn
Dern/durn
Devil (except in the religious sense, but the circumstances would be rare)
Dang or Dagnabbit
Doody
Father (when used to describe a religious official)
Fiend
For heaven's sake (can use "for goodness' sake" instead)
For the love of Mike
For Pete's sake
Gee
Geez/jeez (but "sheesh" is acceptable)
Gosh
Golly
Halloween
Harlot
Heat (when used to describe kisses)
Heck
Hell (except in the religious sense, but this would be rare)
Holy cow
Hot/hottie
Hunk
Need/hunger (when used to describe non-food-focused state of being)
Pee
Poop
Panties
Passion
Priest
Sexy
Sex
Sexual attraction
Tempting (as applied to the opposite sex)
St. [name of saint]
Swear, as in "I swear..." - Christian characters are not supposed to swear.
Undergarments - of any kind
Whore

The following are allowed only in the context mentioned:
Angel - only when used in a Biblical context
Miracle - only when used in a Biblical context
Oh my God/Oh, God - ONLY allowed when it's clearly part of a prayer
Heavenly - only when used in a Biblical context
Although you can say “He cursed” or mention cursing, do not overuse. Furthermore, only non-Christian characters can curse.

Situations to be avoided:
Kissing below the neck
Visible signs or discussions of arousal or sexual attraction or being out of control
Double entendre
Nudity - people changing clothes "on screen" or any character clad only in a towel
Hero and heroine sleeping in the same house without a third party, even if they're not sleeping together or in the same room
Also, Christian characters should not smoke, drink, gamble, play cards or dance (except in historical novels they may dance but please limit to square dances and balls, no “sexy” dancing like waltzing cheek to cheek), and terms associated with these activities should only be used in connection with bad guys or disapproving of them or such.
Bodily functions, like going to the bathroom, should be mentioned as little as possible and some euphemism may be necessary but we don't want to sound quaint or absurd.

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Brief and pretty much unnecessary commentary:

1) I'm not surprised that such a list exists, though to be honest I'm surprised at the prudish detail of this one. Sure, I guess you don't want a Christian character saying damn (try "blast" instead!) but darn? Durn? Dang? Piety can be so constrictive!

2) The prohibition against "doody" is a good call. Any book for people over the age of 5 should not use the word "doody."

3) Why can't a religious official be referred to as Father? I understand we don't want anyone to say "Golly!" but what do they do when a priest walks by? Do Catholics, Anglicans, or Episcopalians not exist in Steeple Hill? Are these books only to be read by crazed fundamentalists who think Catholic Church is the whore of Babylon? Oops. Sorry. I shouldn't have used the word "whore." Sigh. For Pete's--or, rather, Jerry's--sake.

4) Maybe it's because I live with a six year-old and a nine year-old, but the pee/poop/panties combination made me giggle. And I don't care who knows.

5) "Furthermore, only non-Christians can curse." That's so true. When we Christians try to do it, strange replacement words come out. Like "dagnabbit."

6) "...some euphemism may be necessary but we don't want to sound quaint or absurd." Too late.

Extreme Pumpkin Carving

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:51:00 +0000

Because tomorrow is Halloween, I considered coming up with a list of occupations that hadn't yet been given the "Sexy ________" costume treatment. For instance, we have sexy nurses, sexy cops, and sexy librarians. But I've yet to see a sexy lunchlady costume.

But that kind of post would bring the wrong kind of traffic to my blog, and it might possibly be sexist.

So instead, let's all enjoy these awesome photos of carved-up jack-o-lanterns, courtesy of ExtremePumpkins.com.

Random Thoughts about Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:04:00 +0000

Seven random thoughts about Halloween:

1. In my family, we grew up pronouncing it "HAL-oween." The hal rhymes with "pal." Lots of my friends and family joined us in that pronunciation. But I knew a lot of others from this area who pronounce it "HALL-oween." The hall rhymes with "ball." So it's not a regional thing, but a very clear difference in pronunciation from family to family. The dictionary supports both pronunciations. I have no idea why people say it differently. How do you say it?

2. I think it's really curious how more and more churches are offering Halloween-alternative "fall festival" types of celebrations at churches. These are events in which kids can dress up and receive candy in "a safe environment." But churches are always very careful not to suggest that this is a Halloween event, because they don't want to attach it in any way to what they view as a possibly evil observance. Right. Having children dress up and receive candy on October 31 clearly has no connection to Halloween whatsoever. Very stealthy, Church.

3. My church is having a Halloween-alternative event in which kids dress up and receive candy. But we are publicly identifying it as a "Halloween Carnival." So take that. (I may have had some influence on this...)

4. One time, around 6th grade or so, I dressed as a flasher for Halloween. Wore shorts, no socks, and my dad's beige trenchcoat. I went trick-or-treating this way, and it was windy and about 40 degrees that night. I was really cold, and gained a newfound respect for flashers. If you look past the perversion, those are some tough dudes.

5. I can't believe my parents let me dress up and walk around the neighborhood as a flasher.

6. Back to the Fall Festivals. Lots of them come with a disclaimer: No scary costumes. Having never attended one of these events, I've always wondered how this was enforced. Do you put a bouncer at the door to turn away the guys in Michael Myers masks? Or the kid wearing this rotting-face child zombie costume? What if the bouncer suffers from a bunch of irrational fears, like coulrophobia? Does he then turn away the kid innocently dressed as a clown? My son, Owen, is going to be a ninja for Halloween. In some cultures -- namely, 15th-century feudal Japan -- this would have been quite scary. Will he be turned away at the door? Would Rev. Jerry Falwell (God rest his soul) have turned away this kid?

7. As far as holidays go, Christmas borrows as much pagan symbolism as Halloween. Trees, holly, stockings, gifts, mistletoe, even the December 25 date -- all these have partially pagan origins. I'm just sayin.'

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You have random thoughts about Halloween, too. What are they? Let's discuss what we love, get annoyed by, and have noticed about the holiday.

Question of the Day: Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:14:00 +0000

Jim Palmer is one of my Internet friends, that special class of people with whom I have an online relationship but hadn't ever met in real life. Jim is the author of Divine Nobodies and Wide Open Spaces -- two excellent books, by the way -- and is a fellow triathlete/endurance athlete. He has a great blog, too.

Anyway, he's in the Amarillo area today, though, speaking at WTAMU and I got to hang out with him at lunch. Several campus leaders were there, too, and we had sort of an unstructured question-and-answer session. I asked him if there was any connection between his spiritual journey and his more recent journey as an endurance athlete. As a seminary-trained minister, he talked about coming to a point, spiritually, where he didn't feel he had to justify doing something that he enjoyed -- something that truly brought him happiness and fulfilled an inner need -- by attaching some deep spiritual meaning to it. It was enough to just ride long distances on a bike, or swim, or complete ultramarathons, because it made him happy. The challenge itself was justification enough.

That was a refreshingly honest and liberating answer. As Christians, often someone will ask "Why are you changing jobs?" or "Why do you write?" or "Why are you so into golf?" And our tendency is to over-spiritualize our rationale for doing it. Why take a new job? Because God is leading me to do it. Why write? To influence others for the kingdom, or bring glory to God. Why golf? It helps me build relationships with others, and maybe I can lead them to Christ.

Those answers certainly are pious, and they sound really good in church. But are they true?

I wonder. Jim talked about being inhibited because we're living according to the "plot" we think our lives are supposed to follow. Like characters subservient to the plot of a novel, there are lots of things we just don't do because we don't think they fit into the story. But we're wrong. What we need to do is free ourselves from the pious plot and instead, do the things that feed our soul and invigorate our lives.

Why do you like to go backpacking? Because I love it. Being outside away from everything makes me happy.

Why do you run long distances? Because I love how it makes me feel. It makes me happy.

Why do you watch The Amazing Race? Because sitting in a comfortable chair while watching people experience other cultures and deal with incredible stress...well, it makes me happy.

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Why can't we be honest about things instead of trying to dust them with spiritual glitter? Why can't we just do things because they make us happy? Because aren't happy, fulfilled, interesting Christians much better advertisements for the religious life than people who must always have a holy reason for everything?

I think so.

What about you? What would you do (big life change, new hobby, etc.) to improve your happiness if you didn't have to justify it spiritually? And what keeps you from doing it?

(Or is this idea totally off-base and selfish? If so, let me know.)

Friday Fun

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:21:00 +0000

Why a post of random stuff? Because it's been a random (and craaaazy) week.

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• The Internet Monk's "Annual Halloween Rant" is so worth reading for stuffy, scared-of-Satanism Christians. I totally agree.

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• If you want to see the most geekily genius use of Twitter ever, then follow @FakeAPStylebook. Add it to my wish-I'd-thought-of-that list.

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• It's like Seth Stevenson of Slate is reading my bucket list. I totally want to do this some day.

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• I can't believe I just wrote "bucket list." Cliché alert. What a nerd.

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• If the Jesus artwork below doesn't completely creep you out, then communication between us will be difficult (H/T JesusNeedsNewPR).

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• Also creepy? Photos of the aftermath of a big fire in a big Parisian taxidermy shop. Nightmare city.

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• And this "Church Sign Fail" is perfect. Guess they didn't see this joke coming. (H/T: ShueyTexas)

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What has randomly inspired, amused, dismayed, or otherwise freak you out this week?

Rich Mullins: The College Years

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:55:00 +0000

Since I first posted my reflection about Rich Mullins on the 10th anniversary of his death -- and especially since reposting it here a month ago -- I've been surprised who found it, read it, and was compelled to share with me their relationship to Rich. Many were fans of him, like I was. But a few actually knew him or had met him, and have gotten in touch to tell me about the personal impact he had on their lives.

One of the coolest such connections came from an email I received just this weekend. It was from Dr. John W. Taylor, a professor of music at Friends University in Wichita, Kansas, where Rich went to school in the early 1990s (he was already a successful touring musician at that point, but wanted to get a degree so he could fulfill his dream of teaching music on a reservation).

Dr. Taylor was Rich's academic adviser at Friends and one of his major professors there. He shared with me some stuff about Rich, and I was enthralled. It was such fascinating stuff, I asked him for permission to relay it here. He graciously accepted.

Some highlights, with Dr. Taylor's comments in italics:

About Rich's skill playing the french horn (Dr. Taylor directed the band in which Rich played at Friends):

I must say, he never became a great horn player -- and he would laugh as he would be the first to admit this was true.

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About what led Rich to pursue his music education degree:

He was learning to teach music correctly so he could work -- for no pay -- at a reservation in the southwest. He did not need a teaching license to teach there, but he wanted to learn how to teach music well so he could give the best to the students there.

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About Rich's struggle to balance his success as a musician with his studies:

Many people do not know that I actually asked Rich to leave Friends University after his first year at Friends. I did not know him at all, and I was not aware of his career... Rich was traveling on the weekends, and was missing playing horn in the pep band at some football and basketball games. I was not aware of why he was traveling on weekends (it was to perform). One day, walking down the hall, a student told me that Rich was in a magazine she was carrying -- it was CCM Magazine. I was a bit surprised. I asked to borrow the magazine, and discovered a multiple-page layout in the center featuring Rich.

The next day, I called him into my office. I told him that I now knew about his career and why he was gone so often. I told him he had a decision to make -- focus on school and miss obligations to travel, or leave school. He told me his record label had control over his schedule, and that he could not risk making them upset. I told him he was making much money for them and he could dictate his schedule to them more than he imagined. He then left school.

I was surprised to see Rich back in the fall. I called him into my office on the first day of school and asked him what he was doing there. He told me he had taken my advice, and that indeed the recording people were willing to work on his schedule. He did not miss school again to travel. At the same time, while he was here, he played many large concerts, including special appearances for royalty and leaders of countries. The high expectations we place on our music education students were the same for him, and he lived up to them.

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About Rich's skills as a teacher:

I supervised Rich’s student teaching in a lower SES middle school band here in the city. (He also taught in a lower SES elementary school.) I carefully picked a Cooperating Teacher who was somewhat of a free spirit, like Rich. The kids in the band program loved him. Most importantly, he became a very fine novice music educator, and would have been great teaching at the Reservation. It was my hope to come and observe his teaching someday after he graduated. As we all know, that day never came -- he did graduate, but he was gone before he could settle in permanently as a teacher at the Reservation.

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About what Rich loved -- and didn't love -- about Friends:

He told me once that he liked the fact that all the music faculty at Friends didn’t know anything about his music career -- and they did not care about it. As you mentioned in your blog, he liked the anonymity, and that he was judged by faculty by his school work. He also told me once it was hard to be a student here because there were groupies among the students.

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I love the fact that Dr. Taylor was less-than-satisfied with Rich's academics. Where was this long-haired guy going on weekends? Why isn't he showing up to play his french horn at the football games?

And Rich's excuse for missing these weekend games? He was performing on the piano and guitar and hammered dulcimer in front of thousands of people, who were paying for tickets and traveling for hours to hear his music. That's hilarious. Even more hilarious is the fact that Dr. Taylor -- Rich's advisor -- only found out about the "side gig" when he saw a giant Rich Mullins magazine spread.

Such great stuff. Thank you, Dr. Taylor, for sharing these inside facts with me -- and especially for allowing me to rebroadcast a private email to a larger audience. It adds so much depth to the Rich Mullins story...

10 Observations from the U2 Show

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:58:00 +0000

Along with some great friends, my wife and I traveled to Norman, Oklahoma, this weekend to catch U2's 360° tour. As a long-time U2 fan -- I still have my original Joshua Tree cassette! -- I was particularly pumped for this concert, which was my first time to see them live.

The show lived up to my expectations and more. By way of summary and recap, here are...

10 Observations From the U2 Show

1. You might think the Black Eyed Peas are an odd choice for opening act, but you're wrong. Previous stops in the tour have used Snow Patrol or Muse as the openers. And stylistically, those bands seem to fit better. I wondered if the crowd around us -- which included hipsters, party girls, gay guys, married folk (like us), and 40something parents -- would be hip to the party hip-hop of the Peas. The answer is yes, in fact, they would. People were legitimately excited about the BEP show, and the cheers when they launched into "I've Gotta Feeling" to end their show were loud and boisterous. They gave a great performance, despite the inclusion of "My Humps," which is the most annoying song ever.

2. "My Humps" is the most annoying song ever. And hearing it live didn't cause me to change my opinion.

3. I didn't see anyone doing the Oprah flash mob dance to "I've Gotta Feeling." I honestly expected to see at least some group of people-with-too-much-time-on-their-hands attempting to pull it off. But no.

4. I can only judge from my seat, but U2's crazy-cool stage set-up has to have the best sightlines ever of any huge, stadium concert. I can't imagine there was really a bad seat in the stadium. Whoever came up with the spaceship-meets-mechanical-spider concept -- which included rotating bridges and a 360-degree pathway out into the crowd -- well done.

5. U2 recognizes that their fans love love looooove the old stuff, so the show was a great balance between the classics and the new songs. Even "Unforgettable Fire" made an appearance, which was a surprise. (It was an even bigger surprise for some kid in the audience, whom Bono took up on stage and pranced around the bridge/pathway with for entire song.)

6. The boys are still great showmen. I always wonder if they get tired playing "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" or "Where the Streets Have No Name," but if they've bored with those old tunes, they certainly didn't show it. Lots of energy from song-to-song. They seemed to legitimately be enjoying the experience. How do I know? I could see their faces up-close on the gigantic circular video screen. Adam looked pleasantly amused the entire show, and The Edge hopped up and down a LOT for a guy who's almost 50 years old.

7. Bono didn't preach as much as expected. I honestly wasn't sure how much of his social justice stuff would make it into a concert setting. I love his activism, but I paid for the music...so I wasn't sure how much time we'd spend related to his causes. In my opinion, it was just enough. The main emphasis was on Aung San Suu Kyi, the elected prime minister of Burma who has been under house arrest for most of the last two decades by the military junta running the country.

8. There are a lot of Christians who go to U2 shows, especially in Oklahoma. How could I tell? I counted the number of hands raised when Bono led the crowd of 60,000 in singing "Amazing Grace." Those weren't rock fists.

9. Despite #8, Oklahoma is not as Bible-belty as you might expect. For instance, the drunk guy directly in front of us was simultaneously hitting on the girl to his left and the guy to his right. He left with the guy after the first encore.

10. Outdoor concerts in October are cold. It was 50 degrees with a blustery wind. Pretty cold. I kept wondering if The Edge's fingers would get really cold and stiff and we'd end up with a wonky chord that would bounce around the stadium for the next 35 seconds due to his delay/reverb. But, no, he didn't make any mistakes I could tell.

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Here are a couple of photos I took from our seats:

Have you attended a U2 concert? If so, what were your top observances from the show?

Like a Torpedo with Gills: Contest Winner

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:22:00 +0000

To all of you who submitted an entry in yesterday's Five-Sentence Story Contest: Well done. We received a great collection of entries, almost all of which followed the rules (which included setting a suspenseful tone, containing the phrase "torpedo with gills," and referencing Cleolinda's father).

Also, the submission had to contain exactly five sentences and use this photo as inspiration:

About the photo: That's a picture of the Headington Shark, a 25-foot fiberglass sculpture by artist John Buckley on the roof of a house in Headington, Oxford, England. It was installed in 1986, on the 41st anniversary of the bombing of Nagasaki. Awesome. (Not the bombing of Nagasaki, of course. That was far from awesome. But a shark sculpture on your roof? Legen--wait for it--dary.)

Now, for the submissions. First I'd like to recognize some honorable mentions:

David, for overall cleverness, including use of the phrase "shark catapult," the word selachimorpha, and for Horace's perfectly unexplained hatred of Gladys. (Also, for recognizing the sculpture via his reference of Oxford.)

Cleolinda’s father, Horace Ograce, had finally perfected his distressed cider siphon and shark catapult. “Surely there is no more dangerous or delicious weapon,” he announced to the three people standing hear him. “It’s like a torpedo with gills.” Lowering his silver goggles and adorning his flowered vest, Horace prepared his “pushing finger” hyper extended over the yellow flashing button. “Eat Shark Meat Gladys,” he shouted as a non existent crowd watched an airborne selachimorpha sail gracefully across an Oxford sky.

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Claygirlsings, for stretching the five-sentence limit to three full, well-composed paragraphs, all of which expertly established a "dark and stormy" tone. Nice.

It was dark and stormy the night Cleolinda’s father unearthed the aging photo album buried under a box of yearbooks and dusty stuffed animals from Cleolinda’s childhood. As he cradled the album in his arms, wondering if he had the strength to face what lay inside the worn leather cover, he was transported back to the days he spent on the Atlantic, catching fresh fish to bring home to his wife and daughter.

He remembered the plague-like afflictions that hit their New England town, the screams of neighbors who couldn’t escape in time, the dark cylinder-shaped bodies of those strange fish - like a torpedo with gills, and shuddered as a quiver of fear shot through him. Even today, 40 years later, he couldn’t escape the feeling of horror, but the time had come to dredge up the past and find some way to keep Cleolinda safe for the future.

Taking a slow deep breath to steady himself, the wizened fisherman reached with his gnarled hands to gently, oh so carefully, open the book, when a boom of thunder, vibrating through the house and rattling the attic window, briefly deafened him while the lights dimmed, flickered and then went completely out.

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Lauree because the "drip, drip, drip" at the beginning is so classically creepy, and because her five-sentence structure was refreshingly Hemingway-like after Claygirlsings' novel.

The drip, drip, drip is what woke her up. Why did her room suddenly smell like a fishmonger’s dumpster?

She saw the teeth first. The shark had pierced her ceiling like a torpedo with gills.

Later she would hear Cleolinda’s father yelling for James to get out of the bathroom and the sound of a siren wailing in the distance.

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Steve Hallford, for writing possibly the only limerick in history to use the phrase "leviathan-dreamer."

A leviathan-dreamer by the name of O’Kother.
Happens to be my wife Cleolinda’s father.
Shark & sea monster dreams chase him to the hills!
Last night’s nightmare was like a torpedo with gills!!
The next day his therapist could only say, “Oh bother…”

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Adam, for explaining, in quite reasonable terms, exactly what might lead to the "fit of rage" required to fishtorpedo a quiet suburban home.

Cleolinda's father stared at the button he had just pressed in a fit of rage. Moments earlier, as the reality of all he'd lost finally came crashing down on him, he remembered the shark in the torpedo bay. He watched with nervous anticipation as vengeance sailed through the sky like a torpedo with gills. The residents of apartment 33-B would now understand, with crystal clarity, what happens when you cheat at Monopoly.

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Chris Miller, for a surprising and economic explanation of the photograph, from the shark's perspective. And for making Cleolinda the shark. And for a brilliant twist on a familiar (and appropriate) idiom.

Cleolinda's father always told her: "People jump sharks; sharks don't jump people." Her father drilled it into her every day of her life. She was as sick of hearing that line as she was of her father. Cleolinda had enough and was going to do the most rebellious thing she could think of. Like a torpedo with gills, she was going to jump the people.

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That was a great one, Chris, and would have won the contest if not for the detailed hilarity of the winner. In five (lengthy) sentences, this submission told a fascinating and funny story, complete with the kind of out-of-nowhere descriptions that I always love. Bonus points for connecting it to the season, for the always-suspenseful use of witchcraft, for the highly original deployment of a bedpan, for dipping into obscure Hawaiian mythology with the Aumakua reference, and for ending the submission by using the required "torpedo" phrase like a literary hammer.

Congrats, Amory Blaine. You win.

On October the thirtieth, in the preface of Halloween treats and trickery and when man’s tolerance for cable TV ghouls expands, Cleolinda, best known as “Miss Cleo,” psychic of the pay-per-call, drove her father David back to his retirement home. Cleolinda’s father, also a shaman, hit an old age and could only incant black magic in slurs the gods only sort of understood – but mostly couldn’t. That night, after Cleolinda drove home to her million dollar condo in Fort Lauderdale, shaman David dug out his warlock’s pot (a bed pan, by mistake), magic book (make that a large-print crossword puzzle) and all the ingredients to a good brew (a rubber band, denture paste and dryer sheets), and placed them on his bedside table. Whether he was trying to impress all the single ladies in the retirement home or the gods themselves, in a voice as loud as his wizened old self could bear, he shouted his incantation (or what he thought to be his incantation), “IN THIS NITE OF OCTOBER THIRTIETH, PRITHEE GODS COME DOWN AND TARRY IN THY PRESENCE AND BRING THY SERVANT GREAT RICHES ABOUND!” But what the gods heard and how the gods responded was quite different; for in a moment faster than it took David to walk from his bed to his bathroom – which invariably took longer than five minutes – the gods sent a shark, perhaps Aumakua, the shark god himself, swimming through the air and drilling into David’s retirement home: like a torpedo with gills.

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Amory, email me with your mailing address and Pocket Guide of choice (Sainthood, Afterlife, or Bible). I'll sign it and send it your way, with or without shark accompaniment.

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Didn't win here? Then head over to Nicole Wick's blog for a review of the Pocket Guides, an interview with me, and a book giveaway. To qualify for the giveaway, just leave a comment for Nicole and you can win one of the books.

5-Sentence Story Contest, with Shark

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:20:00 +0000

It's been too long since our last contest -- 5-sentence story or otherwise -- so let's do another one. The winner gets a signed copy of his or her choice of my three new Pocket Guides (Sainthood, Afterlife, or the Bible).

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Here's the photographic inspiration for your story:

Your job for this contest? Compose a five-sentence story (or story snippet) inspired by the scene above. As in the past, it has to adhere to five particular rules:

Rule #1: Your story must contain five sentences. No more, no less.

Rule #2: It doesn't have to have anything to do with the actual real-life subject of the photo.

Rule #3: It has to be suspenseful in tone. Not necessarily scary or horrific or gory, but definitely suspenseful.

Rule #4: It has to contain the phrase "like a torpedo with gills."

Rule #5: Your story must reference "Cleolinda's father." I'm not telling why.

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Submit your 5-sentence story in the comments. The deadline for submissions is midnight (Central) tomorrow, Oct. 15.

Ready? Go!

Will the World End in 2012? Experts Speak!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:40:00 +0000

Last week I embarked on a humble campaign. I'm trying to convince the people of the world that, in fact, our world will NOT end on December 21, 2012, regardless of what the ancient Mayans may or may not have predicted.

In addition to what I wrote last week, I would like to summon a new witness to the stand. His name is Apolinario Chile Pixtun, and he is an expert on the subject seeing how he is no less than an authentic Mayan Indian elder.

That's right: a real, live Mayan (see photo at right). Mr. Pixtun lives in Guatemala. Let us ask him a question.

Mr. Pixtun, how do you feel about everyone running around saying the world is about to end because the ancient Mayan calendar allegedly comes to an end on December 12, 2012?

Pixtun: I came back from England last year and, man, they had me fed up with this stuff.

Thank you. You may be seated. Now I would like to call another witness to the stand. His name is Jose Huchim. He is a Yucatan Mayan archaeologist. Mr. Huchim, based on your experience with the Mayan people and their predilection for prophetic utterances, what do you think they would say if you asked them about the year 2012?

Huchim: If I went to some Mayan-speaking communities and asked people what is going to happen in 2012, they wouldn't have any idea.

What if we reminded them that their ancient astronomical skeelz gave us the idea the world would end in three years?

That the world is going to end? They wouldn't believe you. We have real concerns these days, like rain.

Thanks. You may be seated. Good luck with the rain. I would now like to call David Stuart to the stand. Mr. Stuart is a specialist in Mayan epigraphy at the University of Texas at Austin. What's this about the Mayan calendar coming to an end and it signaling the end of the world?

Stuart: It's a special anniversary of creation. The Maya never said the world is going to end, they never said anything bad would happen necessarily, they're just recording this future anniversary on Monument Six.

Let the record show that the "Monument Six" Mr. Stuart refers is a stone tablet discovered in the 1960s, which seems to describes something which apparently supposed to occur at the end of the present calendar cycle, which correlates to the year 2012. This event may or may not involved Bolon Yokte, a Mayan diety we don't know much about but who is associated with both war and creation.

Let the record show that if you don't believe in the existence of Mayan deities, you probably shouldn't believe the world will end in 2012.

Also let the record show that erosion and a big crack in the tablet make the passage pretty much illegible anyway. So there's no telling what it really says.

Claire Huxtable, from numerous episodes of The Cosby Show: Let the record show!

Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. You may be seated, too. Now I would like to pose a question to AP writer Mark Stevenson, who wrote a great article about the subject yesterday. Mr. Stevenson, what do you think will happen on December 21, 2012?

Stevenson: Most archaeologists, astronomers and Maya say the only thing likely to hit Earth is a meteor shower of New Age philosophy, pop astronomy, Internet doomsday rumors and TV specials such as one on the History Channel which mixes "predictions" from Nostradamus and the Mayas and asks: "Is 2012 the year the cosmic clock finally winds down to zero days, zero hope?"

Ooh, that's good. Nicely put. Did you know that I, Jason Boyett, am one of the so-called experts who appears on one of those 2012 History Channel shows? It was "Decoding the Past: Doomsday 2012: End of Days." I'm very proud of it.

(silence)

Would you like to see the sum of my appearances in this program? I don't actually say anything about Mayans or Nostradamus. Mostly I talk about the Bible while cheeseball reenactments appear on the screen.

(silence)

Anyway, here it is.

Yes, your honor. I realize that's a pretty old video, and the goatee is pretty lame. What? Oh, yes, I'm done with the gratuitious self-promotion. That will be all. Yes, I rest my case regarding 2012...for now.

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(All "witness" quotes taken directly from "2012 isn't the end of the world, Mayans insist," written by Mark Stevenson for the Associated Press. Except for the one from Mrs. Huxtable, which is taken from my impeccable memory.)

Photo credit: AP Photo/Moises Castillo

American Jesus Art!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:09:00 +0000

This blog has been fascinated, appalled, and otherwise dumbfounded in the past by Jesus art, which is rarely inspirational and often inappropriate. Today we have a whole new painting to discuss.

Behold: Jesus, the Founding Father of America and He Who Apparently Dictated the U.S. Constitution from On High

Besides the idea of a glowing Jesus founding his own nation in the form of the U.S. -- and the existence of Satan crouching in front of Alexander Hamilton (see right side of the picture), and the lawyer greedily counting his $100 bills right out there in sight of the Son of God (see bottom right) -- there are two other awesome things associated with this painting, which is by artist John McNaughton.

1. McNaughton has helpfully provided an interactive mouse-over feature where you can view, up close, each of the America-representing people in the painting. Some are symbolic. Others are prominent figures from our nation's past. Along with these close-ups, we get the artist's thoughts behind their symbolism. For example, see the mommy and baby to Jesus' right? The lady holding her palm up? According to the artist, "She holds her hand out which has two meanings. First, she is recognizing Christ and second she is releasing her son to come forth and touch the Constitution. A mother's role in raising up the next generation is immeasurable."

2. The brilliant minds at Shortpacked! recognized some silliness in some of these descriptions (really!) and created their own interactive mouse-over feature, with brand-new captions and descriptions. It is worth viewing because it is very, very funny. For instance, see Abe Lincoln down on one knee to Jesus' left? Their description: "He was the 16th president of the United States. He led the country through the Civil War and was assassinated in his second term of office. He also totally wants to start a barbershop quartet with Washington, Adams, and Hamilton." Look at the artist's version first, then head here.

I'm sorry. I've gotten in trouble before for making fun of someone's heartfelt attempt to express something about Jesus via art. But this is just too unintentionally funny. I mean, the evil college professor is clutching a copy of Origin of the Species! (It represents, according to the artist, "the liberal left's control of our educational system.") The Supreme Court justice is weeping for his sins! All the black heroes are hidden in the back! And Davy Crockett is wearing a coonskin cap!

Too. Many. Jokes!

Things I Do Not Support

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 11:17:00 +0000

Noted listmaker Bryan Allain blogged a list a couple days ago of things he does NOT support, and it was a fun exercise in group dislike. So fun, in fact, that I'm going to steal the idea and bring it back here.

Behold...

20 Things I Do Not Support

1. Those little blow-in cards in magazines that prohibit you from turning to any page other than the one they occupy, and which seem to be falling out all the live-long day.

2. Ballpoint pens that require angry scribbling before the ink starts to flow.

3. Wine snobbery. I have never tasted anything with an "oaky mouth-feel with hints of chocolate and currant," and I don't think anyone else has either.

4. Anything orange-flavored (other than actual oranges).

5. When the yolk breaks when I'm flipping a fried egg.

6. An overreliance on reality shows for entertainment. A sane person is allowed to watch up to two reality shows per week. Mine are "The Amazing Race" and "Survivor." Any more than two begins killing brain cells.

7. Checkout-line clerks who don't speak to you. I don't want to have a conversation or anything, but it's polite to acknowledge my existence when I say hi to you. After all, you are putting your hands on things I will likely eat. Or wear. That's a pretty intimate connection for you to just flat-out ignore me, Tammi.

8. Gum on the sidewalk, street, or parking lot.

9. Gum on the bottom of my shoe because you couldn't walk another 25 feet to drop it in the proper receptacle.

10. Cigarette-butt littering. People who wouldn't think twice about tossing an empty can out the window seem to have no problem tossing a smoked butt. I'll never understand this. Those plastic filters don't exactly scream biodegradable. (But if littered cigarette butts did scream something when they got thrown on the ground? I bet people would toss them less often. Big Tobacco, get to work.)

11. Dads who won't play with their kids.

12. Those newfangled ads that get around your browser's pop-up ad blocker because they open within the same browser window, on top of the page, but which are just as annoying as regular pop-up ads because they prevent you from seeing what you're trying to see. Yes, I'm talking to you, Salon.com.

13. Men's cologne. I don't wear it. I don't like it when I can smell you wearing it, either.

14. Grunters at the gym.

15. Car stereos with thundering bass which I can not only hear outside your car, but inside my car, with the windows up. Buncha noise-polluters, I say. Listen to me say it now, btw, because you'll be deaf in 10 years and won't hear me.

16. Taco Villa bean burritos with a hole in the tortilla, causing all the delicious frijoles and sauce to slide out before I can eat it. Grrrr.

17. People who say things like "frijoles" when talking about Mexican food when they could just say "beans" and be done with it.

18. Razor burn on my neck.

19. Guys who wear their ballcaps backwards for no good reason. I don't have any research to back it up, but I'm pretty sure this temporarily lowers your IQ.

20. Stealing blog ideas from others.

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That's my list. What things do you not support? Spill the frijoles.

Hard Questions About Christianity

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 11:26:00 +0000

I'm appearing on a panel at my church on Saturday night to discuss some of the difficult questions of Christianity. I thought I'd get an early start on preparing for this by asking you to help me with the research.

You guys are smart, opinionated, and thoughtful. So pick one of the questions below -- any one you want -- and let loose in the comments.

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1. Killing/Murder:
The Bible says “Thou shalt not kill.” How does that apply to police officers and/soldiers? Is it OK to kill for peace and/or protection? Are war and killing reconcilable? Updated addition: To what extent do the teachings of Jesus impact your answer?

2. Politics:
Should Christians support politicians who don’t hold their beliefs? What should a Christian do when politicians make policy that seems to move the country away from perceived Christian values? (Note: This is just a general question and not specific to any administration. We won't be allowed to mention particular names.)

3. Sinlessness:
Is sinlessness possible for a follower of Christ? Can we achieve sinlessness in this life (for a day or an extended period)?

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Do you have an opinion on any of these? If so, I want to know.

Will the World End in 2012? A Conversation

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 14:11:00 +0000

Yesterday I was interviewed by a college student in Georgia for a paper in which he was required to speak to an expert on a certain subject. He was interested in 2012 doomsday theories, and had seen me in a History Channel program about the event. Also, there's that book I wrote.

This guy was admittedly nervous about the world ending in 2012. He'd been reading various Internet theories and predictions and was concerned he'd meet his everlasting doom right after graduating.

I set him straight. By the end of our conversation, he told me he felt a lot better about things. Yay! See, with limited expertise like mine comes limited responsibility, and yesterday I used that expertise and responsibility to keep a gullible college kid from freaking out. Thought I'd do the same for any of you who are likewise worried about the end of the world on Dec. 21, 2012.

And because I like fake interviews, this post will now take that format.

What?!? The world is going to end in 2012?

Yes. That's what some people say. The whole thing revolves around the Mayan Long Count Calendar, a complicated 5,126-year thing I don't know much about but which comes to an end on December 21, 2012. That day is also the winter solstice. Shiver.

So people think the world will end just because an ancient Mayan calendar ends?

Pretty much. The ancient Mayans were brilliant at astronomy and math and things like that. They developed a written language, made fascinating advances in architecture, and did all kinds of cool scientific and technological things way ahead of their peers. So certain types of people -- mystics, soothsayers, psychics, and even some end-times-obsessed Christians -- tend to also ascribe prophetic mojo to the Mayan culture. If those astronomically advanced Mayans decided to end their calendar on that date, maybe they knew something!

Of course, if the Mayans were actually prophetic, you'd think they would have seen the collapse of their heyday in the 9th century and their eventual apocalypse at the hands of the Spanish conquistadors. Maybe they could have done something about it. Anyway, the seemingly prophetic Mayan calendar, sadly, lasted longer than the seemingly prophetic Mayan civilization.

Isn't it kind of dumb to think the world will end because a calendar ends? I mean, my desk calendar ends at December 31, 2009. But I don't assume that means there will be no January 1, 2010, do I?

No, you don't. And yes, it's kind of dumb. It's similar to the people who thought the world would end or Jesus would come back when we hit the year 1000, or even the year 2000. As if God scheduled his eschatological timeline based on our calendars.

Anyway, the Mayan Long Count calendar doesn't even end in 2012. It's cyclical. It just resets and starts back over for the next 5,126 years.

But aren't there other things that tie in with Dec. 21, 2012? Enough other things to make people nervous?

Yes. On the 2012 winter solstice (which has always been an event of psychological import), the sun will not just be in a symbolic position in proximity to earth, but also in the galaxy itself. That dates marks the alignment of the sun near the center of the Milky Way galaxy. It's the first time this has happened in 26,000 years. Holy galactic alignment! And it occurs at the same time the Mayan calendar ends! Clearly this alignment will disrupt the flow of energy through space, rip the planet apart due to crazy gravitational pull, and change the universe forever!

Or perhaps not. Things like planetary alignment always freak people out. Last time it happened was in 1987, when 8 out of the 10 planets in the solar system aligned in what's called a grand trine. Earth Day founder Jose Arguelles worried that this would cause the earth to go spinning off its axis out into space, so he got a bunch of psychics together to use their positive mojo to keep things running smoothly. Sort of a psychic pep rally to cleanse the planet's karma and usher in a new age of peace and harmony.

I guess it worked, because the world didn't end. In fact, nothing weird happened at all, other than the worldwide gatherings of psychic nutjobs.

But there's other stuff, too, right? Nostradamus predictions? Magnetic pole-shifting? Earthquakes and calamities?

Yes. Everyone with a foot in the prophetic door is hanging his or her coattails on 2012. (To mix metaphors as fantastically as possible.) Some people think Nostradamus predicts a comet's collision with earth in 2012. As we saw with 9/11, the weirdly vague imagery of Nostradamus' writings can be interpreted to refer to just about anything, so of course you can make it work with 2012. Just like Christian doomsdayers have no trouble applying the weird imagery of Revelation to fit current events, so do Nostradamus aficionados with his quatrains.

Magnetic pole-shifting? Yes, it could happen. It's a long process that seems to happen every 250,000 years or so in the earth's history, only we haven't had it occur for 750,000 years now. So we're due. But is it something that happens overnight and we'll wake up on Dec. 21, 2012 with planetary chaos (earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis) because of a magnetic pole reversal? Nope. It takes centuries to happen. And in that regard, 2012 is no better a time for it than today. Today! Beware!

Earthquakes? Happen all the time, including earlier this week in Indonesia and today in California. They're just as likely to occur tomorrow as on Dec. 21, 2012. Especially if you live in earthquake-prone places.

So I can ignore all the end-of-the-world predictions related to 2012?

Yes, unless they come from NASA or the president. If President Obama -- even if he is an unamerican communist socialist spawn of demons who wants your grandma to die -- warns you about a comet hurtling toward earth, you should take him seriously. But if these warnings come from a website? An author selling a book? The publicity materials tied to an upcoming movie? A History Channel show featuring yours truly? You can ignore them.

Mankind has been predicting the end of the world for thousands of years. Christians. Muslims. Hindus. Psychics. Godless anarchists. Everyone. And they've all been wrong.

All. Of. Them.

No need to worry. Feel better, everyone. Carry on.

Being Happy: Mind Your Own Business

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:45:00 +0000

I posted yesterday about illustrations that made me happy, and I returned Sunday from a fun, relaxing weekend with my extended family in the mountains guess, so I guess I've got happiness and quality of life on the mind.

Which is why I wanted to share with you something from writer and pastor Jared Wilson. It's from a post called "Mind Your Own Business" and comes from his blog, Gospel-Driven Church:

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Philip Melancthon once said to his friend Martin Luther, "Today, Martin, you and I will discuss God's governance of the universe," to which Luther replied, "No, Philip. Today you and I are going fishing, and we'll leave the governance of the universe to God."

I am glad God leaves to us the business of such things as playing with dogs, fishing, skipping rocks, flying kites, watching sunrises, watching sports, swimming in the ocean, drinking beer, making love to our spouses, and making people laugh.

God is good and so is life.

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Some days, we need to do more fishing, watching sunrises, and swimming in the ocean. Especially people I know in the ministry. Contrary to popular belief, the world won't fall apart when we rest.

In related news, I spent about 10 minutes with this elk before sunrise Saturday morning, on a golf course. I was very busy leaving the governance of the universe to God.

Thanks for the reminder, Jared.

What Makes Me Happy: Marc Johns

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 11:15:00 +0000

If you are not aware of the simple watercolor-on-paper art of Marc Johns, consider this my daily public service to you.

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Buy his book, Serious Drawings. It looks like this:

Pocket Guides: The Shack, Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:54:00 +0000

When The Shack was first published in 2007, it didn't have a whole lot going for it. For one thing, it was written by a guy with no platform and no name. William P. Young was a hotel night clerk and office manager in Oregon. For another thing, it was self-published. It boasted a cheap website, plenty of typos, controversial theology, and virtually zero marketing.

It sold a million self-published copies.

It's still huge. It's the kind of success story that drives writers like me crazy.

Why did The Shack succeed? Several reasons, but the primary one is this: it told such a compelling story that people couldn't help but talk about it, recommend it, and buy it for friends. People wouldn't shut up about The Shack. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, just in regular conversation, whether or not I've read it. Out of the blue. I first heard about it in early 2008 from an old family friend -- the lady who cuts my wife's hair. She'd heard about it from her brother, who'd purchased a case of the books and was giving them away like day-old funnel cakes at the fair.

"Jason, you have to read this book," she told me. "You absolutely have to. It'll change your life."

That was when I was in the middle of Pocket Guide writing and simply couldn't carve out time to read The Shack, despite its apparent life-changing qualities. But every time I've seen this friend since, she's asked me if I've read it. Two years later she's still a Shack advocate. A Shackvocate.

(Confession: I still haven't read it. At this point, I'm holding out just to be contrary. In the same way I still have never watched "It's a Wonderful Life" or an episode of "American Idol.")

Anyway, I tell you all this for the most self-serving of purposes. Advertising and marketing are great. An author's blog and twitter account are fine. Speaking gigs and magazine articles are important. But nothing is more important for a book's success than word-of-mouth. Nothing creates buzz like passionate consumer advocates.

I know there are some who read this blog or my other articles but have never picked up a Pocket Guide. And that's fine. I love you guys anyway. But there are others who really are passionate about the humor or snark or educational value of my Pocket Guide books. If that's you, I am indebted to you already. But even so, I have another request: don't just be a Pocket Guide fan. Become an advocate. Spread the word. Be my personal buzz-builders.

How?

1. Tell your friends about your favorite Pocket Guide book. Blog, tweet, pass it around in the back of your class, read aloud from it on your next road trip.

2. Post a review of one of the books to Amazon. These reviews are super-important for publishers, writers, and book-buyers. If you've read any of my books and enjoyed them, please consider posting a brief review. If you do, let me know and I'll thank you personally and mention you on my blog. (Big thanks to frequent commenter Dromedary Hump for a great review of Pocket Guide to Sainthood.)

3. If you have any old covers of The Shack lying around, take them to your nearest bookstore and wrap them around selected Pocket Guide books. You might need scissors to trim off the excess. Cross your fingers and hope no one will know the difference. Also, what are you doing with all those extra Shack covers anyway? No offense, but that's weird.

4. Buy a case of Pocket Guide books and distribute them to everyone you know, including well-connected hairdressers. This may be asking a lot, I realize. But Pocket Guides make a great gift. And they're cheap, too. Can't afford a box? Buy one book and give it away.

5. Tell people that, in all Pocket Guide books, the Almighty is depicted as a black woman. It worked for The Shack.

6. Tell the producers of Oprah that the Pocket Guide black woman deity is modeled after her.

7. Get a Pocket Guide for yourself. Order my books from Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Look for Pocket Guide books at your local bookstore. If you can't find one, ask the kindly salespeople to order one. Spread the word.

Can my Pocket Guide series be the buzzworthy sequel to The Shack? Um, no. Probably not. But I'm convinced there's an audience for small, entertaining bathroom books about religious topics. And I need your help to make sure that audience is aware they exist.

Advocate away, friends. I appreciate it.

Recommendation: Lord, Save Us from Your Followers

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:42:00 +0000

Why is the Gospel of Love dividing America? That's the question documentary filmmaker Dan Merchant asks in a fantastic new movie that releases nationally in select theaters this weekend. It's called Lord, Save Us from Your Followers and, as I've mentioned before, it's an entertaining, funny, and thought-provoking film.

In awarding it the best spiritual documentary of 2008, a BeliefNet judge said this: Christianity, [Merchant] contends, is far more interested in the gospel of being right than the gospel of Jesus Christ. But if Christianity supposed to be built on the foundation of "loving the unlovable," then what does that say about the face of Christianity in America today?

I don't watch a whole lot of movies, so I don't get around to recommending them that often. But I'm a big advocate of looking at our faith from an outsider's perspective, and Merchant hands his mic over to plenty of outsiders to offer their perspective. So if my thumbs-up meant anything at all, I would apply them to Lord, Save Us.

Here are five reasons why:

1. Writer/Director/Star Dan Merchant is funny. Not Christian comedian funny, but genuinely funny. His Bumper-Sticker Man persona is a profound way to get people to talk about religion without getting mean. His Top Ten Sins list parody is spot-on.

2. Merchant is an equal-opportunity offender. He's a Christian, but is not afraid to poke religion in the eye when it comes to its divisive role in the culture wars. Eyes on both sides of every issue get jabbed in this film. But it's a loving kind of jab.

3. Merchant is a great interviewer. He actually has Al Franken (who, among conservative Christians, is practically the vice-antichrist to President Obama) commenting how nice the members of the Christian Coalition are compared to the Democratic Convention. That's genius.

4. He makes fun of the stupid car bumper wars involving Christian fish/Darwin fish/Christian "truth" fish eating Darwin fish. As well he should.

5. He is a friend of the Pocket Guides. Dan graciously offered this endorsement of my series: "The Pocket Guides are more fun than a plague of frogs, more satisfying than manna from heaven and way less expensive than attending seminary. Pocket Guide to the Bible, to Sainthood and the Afterlife achieve the remarkable feat of being absurdly funny, surprisingly full of legitimate Biblical information and, inexplicably, provoking a deeper understanding of my faith. Jason Boyett is a truly inspired and disturbed individual and for that I am grateful."

(I'm grateful, too, and can apply to same adjectives to Dan.)

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So if you're in Atlanta, Houston, Nashville, Portland, Seattle, or San Antonio, get thee to a theater near you and check this film out. If you live in other large urban areas, it's coming your way in a week or two.

If you have a few minutes, this sampler provides a good taste of the film's tone.

The accompanying book, Lord, Save Us from Your Followers is also excellent (and available on Kindle).

The 10 Worst Bible Passages

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:43:00 +0000

Ship of Fools is a fun, British religious web-magazine that has been doing great work for at least a decade. Like The Wittenburg Door in the U.S., Ship of Fools is committed to the Christian faith but not afraid to debunk, pop balloons, and otherwise make a nuisance of itself to religious goofery.

In related news, I'm pretty sure I just made up a new word: goofery.

If you're unfamiliar with Ship, check out its ongoing Mystery Worshiper series, in which reporters attend a church service and report on its goings-on. The Mystery Worshiper idea, I'll admit, was the inspiration behind my "6 Denominations in 6 Weeks" article for Relevant in the summer of 2008.

Anyhow, that's just an introduction to the results of a new list compiled by Ship of Fools readers of the 10 worst Bible passages. It was called "Chapter & Worse." The results, in order:

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1: Paul doesn't think women should teach men in church:

I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. (1 Timothy 2:12)

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2: The prophet Samuel orders genocide against a neighbouring people:

This is what the Lord Almighty says... 'Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.' (1 Samuel 15:3)

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3: Moses doesn't like witches:

Do not allow a sorceress to live. (Exodus 22:18)

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4: The ending of Psalm 137, which equates happiness with, um, violence to babies:

Happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us – he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)

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5: The story from the Book of Judges in which a man tries to appease a mob outside his door by offering up his concubine to them for sexual abuse:

So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight. When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, 'Get up; let's go.' But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home. (Judges 19:25-28)

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6: Paul's condemnation of homosexuality:

In the same way also the men, giving up natural intercourse with women, were consumed with passion for one another. Men committed shameless acts with men and received in their own persons the due penalty for their error. (Romans 1:27)

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7: Jephthah's horrible vow in the book of Judges, which he then actually carries out:

And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord, and said, 'If you will give the Ammonites into my hand, then whoever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return victorious from the Ammonites, shall be the Lord's, to be offered up by me as a burnt-offering.' Then Jephthah came to his home at Mizpah; and there was his daughter coming out to meet him with timbrels and with dancing. She was his only child; he had no son or daughter except her. When he saw her, he tore his clothes, and said, 'Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low; you have become the cause of great trouble to me. For I have opened my mouth to the Lord, and I cannot take back my vow.' (Judges 11:30-1, 34-5)

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8: God's command to Abraham to sacrifice his son:

Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt-offering on one of the mountains that I shall show you. (Genesis 22:2)

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9: Paul's encouragement of wifely submission:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

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10: Paul's encouragement of slavely submission, even to cruel masters:

Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the cruel. (1 Peter 2:18)

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Your turn. Are there any passages on this list you disagree with? Any you would add to it? Are you bothered by the entire idea of "worst" Bible passages?

Remembering Rich Mullins

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:32:00 +0000

Saturday, September 19, was the 12th anniversary of Rich Mullins' death in 1997. A lot of my younger readers may not have heard of him, but he had profound influence on me as a writer, a musician, and a Christian. I didn't post anything on Saturday, but thought I'd start the week off by re-running a blog post I wrote commemorating the 10th anniversary of his death.

This is from my old blog at Relevant.

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I am not the fanboy type. But the closest I ever came to it was upon discovering Rich Mullins in the early 90s. I'm not generally an emotional kind of guy -- especially the kind of person who really feels it when a stranger passes away -- but I remember exactly where I was when I heard that Rich died. I was at a computer (a PowerMac/Performa 6400), laying out a newsletter using an early version of QuarkXPress. My wife called. Her mom had heard on the local Christian radio station that, overnight, Rich Mullins had flipped his Jeep, been thrown out, and gotten hit by a truck somewhere in rural Illinois. His friend and traveling buddy Mitch McVicker survived the wreck, barely.

"I'm really sorry," my wife said, as if she had just informed me of the death of a good friend.

It was ten years ago today...September 19, 1997.

I realize, of course, that a lot of you readers were, like, 12 years old back in 1997. And so maybe the only thing you know about Rich Mullins is that he was the guy who wrote "Awesome God." And "Awesome God" is one of those worshippy songs that got sung way too much back in the day, and the chorus is trite and the verses are pretty dumb and you're wondering why all these people in their 30s liked the guy who wrote "Awesome God" so much.

The first thing you should know is that Rich Mullins agreed with you. He didn't think "Awesome God" was a very good song either, but somehow it got popular. Youth groups sang it around campfires. T-shirts were made. Inspirational posters appeared. Toward the end of his career, he mentioned on a couple of different occasions that he got really tired of playing that song at concerts. It was, he admitted, one of his worst songs. So don't hold "Awesome God" against him, because Rich Mullins was one of the good ones. Here's why.

1) Rich hated the limelight. His typical concert uniform was jeans (with holes in the knees) and a t-shirt. No shoes. No socks. In fact, he was known for sneaking onto the stage before being introduced, because the glowing introductions always made him uncomfortable. It was not uncommon for the audience to think the guy walking out onto the dark stage and sitting at the piano was some sort of pre-concert piano tuner. Then he'd start playing, and the lights would come on, and everyone would go "Oh, that's him!" and the concert would start.

2) Rich was a genius musician. I had never heard of the hammered dulcimer until I bought the cassette tape of The World As Best As I Remember It (Vol. 1) when it came out in 1991. There was this brilliant sound on some of the songs -- a droning, dancing, rhythmic theme that sounded like a cross between an acoustic guitar and a piano -- and it mesmerized me. I figured out that this must be the "hammered dulcimer" mentioned in the liner notes. Within a few years, I had my own hammered dulcimer and had learned to play it. Never anywhere as good as Rich, but still entranced by the beauty of it. Rich introduced a lot of Christians like me to the depth and simplicity of Appalachian music...and the Irish folk music that inspired it.

3) Rich was a 36-year-old college student when his career really began to take off. From 1991 to 1995, one of the bestselling Christian musicians was enrolled at Friends University in Wichita, Kansas, pursuing a B.A. in Music Education. He played French Horn in the band, for Pete's sake. And he remained there until he graduated and received his teaching degree. Now, imagine Chris Tomlin deciding suddenly to enroll at your local community college so he can study physical therapy -- because he truly wanted to help people by becoming a licensed, practicing physical therapist -- and then actually graduating with a degree...while still writing and recording music. It was kind of like that.

4) Rich was a "new monastic" before we knew what that meant. Before guys like Shane Claiborne came along, Rich was pursuing an uncloistered, semi-Protestant monastic existence. Upon graduating from college, he moved to a Native American reservation in New Mexico, near the Arizona border, where he taught music to kids in the local school. He made hundreds of thousands of dollars through album sales and royalties, but Rich only ever saw a fraction of that money. Early in his career, he set up a team of advisers to handle his finances. They paid him a yearly salary -- as I remember it, it was something in the mid $20,000 range, equivalent to that of a common laborer -- and the rest went to various charities. He didn't know what his music and career were worth, and didn't want to know.

5) Rich was theologically curious, and religiously ecumenical. True story: I grew up in a pretty tight bubble of very conservative Southern Baptist theology and practice. I owe a lot of who I am to that upbringing, but I also recognize that much of who I am comes from the steps I've made outside of that bubble. And I was given the freedom to take those first steps by Rich Mullins. The stuff he wrote and sang about from 1991 to 1995 -- the end of my high school years and beginning of my college years -- set me on a path toward re-understanding a lot of theology. It wasn't until he started talking about this book by a guy named Brennan Manning, a Catholic writer none of my friends had ever heard of, that a little book called The Ragamuffin Gospel became the Blue Like Jazz of the mid 90s. I devoured The Ragamuffin Gospel. I started reading all of Manning's other books. Then I started reading all the authors -- Henri Nouwen and Frederick Buechner and Thomas Merton and Flannery O'Connor and G.K. Chesterton and Bonhoeffer and Moltmann -- that Manning listed in his footnotes. And when a sheltered Southern Baptist boy starts reading Catholics and Anglicans and other suspicious thinkers, the Gospel gets a whole lot bigger. When Rich Mullins described listening to a cassette of Brennan Manning speaking about grace, he told of having to stop his pickup truck, pull to the side of the road, and weep. That hooked me, and it set my feet on a path I'm still on today. (Always rebellious and controversial, Rich was ready to convert to Catholicism -- and had even been attending catechism -- but died before he could actually join the Roman Catholic Church. Terry Mattingly gives some background in this article.)

6) Rich was messy. It was generally suppressed (for our safety, I suppose) while he was alive, but after Rich's death we began to learn that he had a fondness for cigarettes, light beer, and the occasional dirty word. This sort of behavior is, perhaps, more readily accepted among CCM artists in 2007, but back in the mid-90s, we needed to be protected from the less wholesome activities of the guy who wrote "Awesome God." So no one ever talked about it. But there were always rumors, and Rich Mullins was as human as people get. That's always good to know.

Rich Mullins asked hard questions and didn't always offer answers. He rebelled against the establishment. He was a quiet, humble prophet in a culture of screaming TV preachers and Christian musicians wearing glittery jumpsuits. He refused to clean up his act -- or his wardrobe -- for record labels. He wrote songs about the color green, preferring to record offbeat music with densely metaphorical lyrics played by a Ragamuffin Band of unkempt, scruffy, outcast musicians rather than release a polished, radio-friendly pop song. He made lots of money but never saw it. He loved Saint Francis of Assisi and "Adagio for Strings" by Samuel Barber. He grew up Quaker. He drove an old pickup truck and taught himself to play the cello. He talked of grace as often as possible. We were strangers, but I feel like we were companions during a very formative time in my life. I never met him, but he influenced me more than just about any other non-relative I can think of.

Thank you, Rich. You left us too soon. We've missed you. You suck, by the way, for not wearing a seatbelt.

Say "hi" to Francis for us.

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Twelve years. Hasn't seemed that long at all.

Flash Mob-bage

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Everyone's talking about (and watching) the Oprah/Black Eyed Peas flash mob event last week in Chicago. Which is pretty cool, if you haven't seen it. (It's not officially a flash mob, though, since the mob is really supposed to show up, do something, and then disperse.) But anyway, lots of fun if you haven't seen it.

And my friend Ken Grant engineered a promotional flash mob a couple of weeks ago in Delaware. It was a freeze-out. At the honk of a horn, the folks in on the gag froze in place for several minutes along a busy street.

But my favorite kind of flash mob is the type perpetrated on a single person. These are hilarious. Here's a clip of a several Japanese mobs doing an excellent job of completely freaking a person out.

Have any of you ever participated in a flash mob? If so, spill the beans.

Feedback on Faith (or the lack thereof)

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Boyett) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:05:00 +0000

I'm working on a project and need your help. It's about Christianity, questions/problems related to it, and reasons why some people don't buy into it.

I'm looking for feedback from people who are either a) atheists, agnostic, or otherwise non-believers...or... b) Christians who doubt or struggle with their faith. This is not a question for super-strong purpose-driven pillars of faith.

Here's how you can help. Please leave a comment below and tell me the following:

1. How would you describe yourself? (i.e. atheist, doubting Christian, former believer turned agnostic, spiritual but not necessarily Christian, etc. Whatever's most accurate.)

2a. If you are in the non-believing camp, why do you not accept Christianity? What prevents you from wanting to be a Christian?

2b. If you are a believer, what are the elements of the Christian faith that give you the most trouble? (possible answers: the Bible, Christian history, conflict with science, hypocritical Christians...that sort of thing.)

Please answer those two questions, and feel free to explain as much or as little as you'd like. If you prefer to post anonymously, no problem.

And since we'll hopefully have both believers and non-believers sharing the same space, please keep it civil. Thanks!