Jack Motherfuckin Smynde and The Bumper Sticker Buddhas

Sturm's First!

2010-12-27T21:24:00.000-08:00

Do you follow a sport? I wish I could explain to you how much better life is when your team is winning.

I guess that makes me shallow at best. Pathetic at worst.

But fuck you, my team just kicked your team's ass.

Ageism?

2010-12-19T01:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, still depressed and self-indulgent:

This world, I am afraid, is designed for Crashing Bores
And I must be one
'Cause no one ever turns to me and says
Take me in your arms

No one will ever even think of me romantically again.

I'm Old

2010-12-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

I'll never again know the love of a beautiful young woman.

Two sad songs I've had on my mind:

Morrissey - Seasick Yet Still Docked:

Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love
There is no way ...
Wish I had the charm to attract the one I love
But you see, I've got no charm

The Smiths - I Know It's Over:

"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night

There. I've got it out, so I can be a little less depressed and self-indulgent.

I Don't Belong Here

2010-08-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

There's definitely something wrong with me.

I never have sex dreams. Not ever. The closest I have is kissing dreams, where I'm kissing hot women. I think it's because I crave love more than I crave sex. Or that I'm too repressed to really enjoy sex. I don't know.

I only know there's something wrong with me.

Don't Forget Your Hat

2010-08-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like I'm getting back together with my wife.

I'll be glad to be with my family again...in a few years when I've paid off debt and can afford to move to where they are. I know you're wondering about the sex. Yeah, me, too.

Alls I know is that just-in-case condom may come in handy.

Shayna, Shayna, Shayna

2010-08-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm against consultants who call in sick.

You go to the trouble of clearing your calendar for a week and bobo the condescending wondermonkey calls in sick on day two. Greeeat.

It's okay, bobo's not black.

To My Roommates

2010-07-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

Please, no drying your hoodie collection at 12am. That shit's loud and irritating.

Clean toilet after use. No, really. Look at it and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Get a hearing aid. I can't hear my TV over your TV.

Rise

2010-07-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

Brace yourself.

I just emailed my estranged wife about getting back together. I know. It could be the dumbest thing I've ever done, given how I fared the first time around. But enough has changed on her end that I think that we could both commit to making it work and me not be stifled and left behind.

I could be wrong, I could be right.

A Lesbian in a Sports Bra? For Reals?

2010-07-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally happened. I'm so bored that I'm going to blog.

I'm fat. Well, I finally got enough disposable income to join a gym, which I did, and have adopted a fairly regular workout routine. Regular unless I hit the weights too hard and find myself too sore to work out for a week, but I digress. I've adopted a fairly regular workout routine and have to say I am feeling a difference.

Hey, did you ever see that episode of the Monkees where they're sitting at a table, their faces darkened, and a voice says, "will the real Davey Jones please stand up?" My muscles are like that. I've been working out, so my friend saw my arm and is all, hey, show my your muscle; flex. And I'm all, hey, I was flexing.

On that note I feel I should stress that I'm more of a cardio guy than a weights guy.

A Cuddy Episode

2010-02-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

I'm going to get a steak dinner tonight. Aren't you just a bit jealous? Of the steak? Haha.

On The Street Where You Live

2010-02-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

I had one of those vitamin water things yesterday. It was one to help you to focus. Turns out the inability to focus is what was keeping me happy. Oops.

Zombieland

2010-01-15T09:43:00.001-08:00

I'll see your cardio and raise you an ice cream sandwich.

Everybody Lives, Rose! Just This Once!

2010-01-13T16:28:00.001-08:00

I'm grateful that I occasionally get to be an instrument of good for people and not just a guy dealing in IT bullshit. Go team, man. Go team.

Bacon Is Extra!

2010-01-12T21:19:00.001-08:00

VMware's kind of being a butthole to me lately. How about you?

Now That's Some Refuse You Can Live With

2010-01-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

M&Ms taste better when you eat two of the same color at the same time. Or at least one right after the other.

Six Back on Monk

2009-12-30T14:33:00.001-08:00

Do you ever find yourself escaping from your escapism?

Re-Animator

2009-12-25T14:08:00.001-08:00

You know, just once I'd like to see a movie where the dead come back to life and save the world from some other terror.

But I Resist, Because I'm My Own Man

2009-12-24T15:51:00.000-08:00

Netflix really has a hard-on for me to see Galaxy Quest.

Arthur Fonzerelli

2009-12-23T20:11:00.000-08:00

I've worked at the same place for 10 years.

It's a weird thing.

I can't say exactly when I'll pull the plug, but there's no way I'm going to be there another 10. God forbid I become a lifer.

The Dark Passenger

2009-12-22T19:10:00.000-08:00

I always related to Dexter, but when they coined the term "dark passenger," it finally had a name.

I'm guessing you all know what I'm talking about. A negative bent and tendency towards what's harmful for yourself and others. My therapist thinks my parents were alcoholics, but I don't know. They were something.

Dexter's dark passenger got him sex, among other things. Mine hasn't gotten me shit.

Mothafucka

2009-12-21T18:18:00.000-08:00

So I'd forgotten how much I hated Sgt. Doakes being all up in Dexter's face about shit.

He was right about Dex from the start, I know.

But still.

Stumpfucker

2009-12-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody,

I was just watching TV and someone told a whore that her vagina was "quite unsightly, actually," and it reminded me of blogging.

I miss having dirty and demented things to say. I can only hope that if I come by here once in a while, that the sickness will return.

For now, I'm just off being me. Which is so not what it's cracked up to be. I'm lonely and bored a lot of the time. I sleep a lot. I'm taking solace in Doctor Who, and Kidrobot's line of Futurama figures. And in Dexter reruns.

I can't believe Rita's gone. So sad for those kids.

I bought a Kindle. It's awesome. You should get one. I can now go almost anywhere on this planet and get gouged by the price of a book.

That's what's up with me these days. Hope you're well.

I Didn't Manscape for Evelyn

2009-11-03T09:02:00.001-08:00

What's the gayest song you can think of? I'm listening to Chorus by Erasure, and I'm thinking top 10.

Kiss Me On The Bus

2009-10-06T09:00:00.001-07:00

Guess who drove to work today? Not me, I was on the bus.

That man?

Was Fred Savage.

Midgets!

(that was for Jeremy)

Damn Good Times

2009-09-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

I have a little crush on my receptionist.

She's not much of a natural dancer, though. In fact, she may not even have a booty to shake. I haven't seen it, anyway.

On the assumption that she has one, my friend Potty Polo (omg, what I did there) says to put it in her butt.

He's sick with a hint of pomegranate. Shaken and stirred.

Like my penetration.