I’ve gotten a pretty good handle on confronting many kinds of fears but one has continually evaded me. Fear has managed to hinder me from finding real happiness.  The fear has been so pervasive that when I’ve been presented with a potential opportunity to have happiness, I start to self-sabotage. I will do things to destroy it.

This is a recent revelation for me. When you start to look at your own behavior, patterns inevitably crop up. When I initially realized this, I thought the fear was of being happy. But that never made any sense to me. Why would anyone be afraid of being happy?

Something happened recently with someone (the details I won’t share out of respect for the person and the situation) that made me realize I’m not afraid of happiness. What I’m afraid of is finding it – or thinking I’ve found it – and then having it ripped away.

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote “‘Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all.” But is it really? Although Tennyson was writing about love, I think the same question can be asked of happiness in general.

Subconscious mind says: “If you don’t get to a happy place, then you’re minimizing the potential pain. You can then shift the blame for all of the things that went wrong to prevent it from happening to something or someone outside of you.” Ergo, a path to self-sabotage perpetually awaits me.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I want to be unhappy. It’s not that I am an unhappy person either. I actually want happiness but it’s part of human nature that we are much more willing to do what we can to avoid negative things than we are to gain positive things. The fear of potential hurt is just a stronger driver for me right now.

Yet another wall I’ve realized I’ve put up that I need to take down.

Do you find yourself self-sabotaging out of fear? Have you overcome this?

I can’t remember the first time I heard the word “forgive.” I suspect you can’t either.  But what does it really mean to forgive?

If you go by the dictionary definition, to forgive is about ending the negative emotions attached to someone because of actions they did and not expecting restitution.

Different religions look at forgiveness in various ways. Some religions advocate that forgiveness must be granted if the offending person acknowledges their wrong and fulfills some kind of restitution. Others profess that forgiveness is all about the person harboring the negative emotions and that nothing is needed from or by the offending person for it to be granted.  The Wikipedia entry on the subject of forgiveness is very enlightening.

I was raised Catholic. In my understanding of forgiveness according to Catholicism, the only way forgiveness can be granted is if the person who did wrong admits their wrongdoing and agreed to repent. Once a person has done this, it is up to God to forgive him/her.

I’ve looked at a couple dozen websites that had articles or blog posts on the subject of forgiveness.  Each seems to promote a different idea.  The Mayo Clinic web site says that “forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge.” It then says that forgiving does not mean forgetting or condoning behavior.

The older I get, the more I am coming to recognize patterns in behavior. Get to know someone just a little bit and I can pretty well figure out a good deal of some of the bad they have gone through. Negative emotions just erode at the possibility of what we could be. When many self-help gurus talk about human potential, they frame it as being unlimited. We do have unlimited power. Yet the bad that we carry inside of us can often stop us from reaching our full potential.

I think it’s important to decide what the word forgiveness means to us as individuals and to define the terms under which forgiveness will be granted, if ever.  For actions and individuals that can’t be forgiven by those standards, we need to figure out how to release ourselves from the negative emotions – how we will let go.

If you’ve read my other posts here, you’ll realize that I’ve had a history of putting up emotional blocks and not letting myself feel. When it came to some of the really bad things that happened to me, this was no different. I somehow thought by suppressing it, putting it out of mind entirely, that it would just go away. Meanwhile, it continued to eat away at my subconscious in ways I could never have anticipated.

Avoidance is a negative coping mechanism. In actuality, it’s really not coping at all. Over the years, I’ve talked with various people who have had gone through similar experiences. Only recently did I realize that there was one big commonality between those of us that avoided — we tended to attach some amount of self-blame to things that happened which were beyond our control. Not exactly healthy. Not exactly empowering.

Sometime over the past year, I figured out this whole forgiveness thing. I wish I had sooner. I simply gave up so much power to people without even knowing it. The big “click” for me was a conversation I had with a male friend. His wife was brutally raped and murdered a few years ago. Eventually the scum bucket was caught and convicted. I asked my friend how he had coped.  He told me that for the first year after, every single day, he felt he lost a bit more of himself. He had anger, sadness and a bevy of other emotions. He ended up losing his job and then his home. Then one day he realized if he didn’t let go – if he didn’t forgive – the murderer would be taking two lives. He could continue to be sad for the loss of his wife but he was no longer going to let anger rule his life. His last words on the subject were: “My wife would have wanted me to forgive and continue living my life.” People often come into our lives at specific points for a reason. I think this friend came into mine to teach me what true forgiveness meant.

What are your thoughts on forgiveness?

With the economy the way that it is, with so many people having a really difficult go of things, it’s easy to forget about the many people in our world who are in desperate need in some way. The direness of the situation hit me like a slap in the face when I heard about the recent report from the United Nations that 1 billion people worldwide are facing starvation. To put this in perspective, if one were to count non-stop, it would take over 31 years to count to 1 billion.

The worldwide water crisis is also very bleak. Here are some startling statistics from Water.org. Almost 900 million people worldwide lack access to clean water.  When you consider that all it takes to provide clean water for a lifetime for someone is $25, you have to wonder why it is even an issue.

Malaria is one of the harshest sicknesses that is something we can combat. Malaria accounts for 500 million illnesses per year with more than 1 million dying from it.  Bed nets – which provide a protective barrier between mosquitoes and people – are one of the most effective ways we know to combat malaria. One net costs $10 to get to a family in need – preventing illness and potentially saving lives. Nothingbutnets.net provides some useful information.

It seems like every few months, at least one part of the world is hit by sudden devastation due to natural catastrophes resulting in lives lost, people sick, people who lose their homes. Organizations such as Doctors Without Borders, Red Cross and others providing ongoing support to areas in need as well as emergency assistance when tragedy strikes. Most organizations such as these have monthly giving programs to provide ongoing financial support for as little as $10 or $15 a month.

Aside from financial support, giving time to volunteer is something that can be even more rewarding. I’m not referring to simply tweeting a link but getting out there and taking some kind of action. If you need some ideas, here are some different things I’ve given time to over the years:

• Provided respite care for autistic children for 2 years. I’d take out a teenager with severe autism for an outing every week to give caregivers a break.
• Volunteered at an institution for autistic children on a weekly basis for a couple of hours.  I worked with younger children on arts and crafts.
• Volunteered at the Montreal General Hospital Snack bar – which was staffed by volunteers.
• Visited senior’s home. I’d play cards or board games with them. More than half had no regular visitors.
• Volunteered at my family church’s soup kitchen and bazaars.
• Put up a website during the ice storm that hit the Northeast to provide updates. We had a team together that helped people out of town know the whereabouts of family members. We helped coordinate bringing generators and other items in.
• Put up a website to raise awareness of the devastation in Myanmar and raised funds for Doctors Without Borders & other organizations through direct contributions.
• Read daily local news articles for a blind association.
• Was a big sister for a high school girl who had been shuffled from one foster care family to another.
• Volunteered at a homeless shelter to assist at holiday meals.
• While on student council at Champlain College in my role of activities coordinator, I oversaw dozens of fundraising activities.

Don’t think you have the time? Think again. I am not some wonder woman (really!) yet I worked full-time through my last years of high school, college, and university; carried a full course load (and maintained great grades), had a social life, was involved in extra-curricular activities & sports yet I still managed to find time to volunteer weekly. It doesn’t need to be a weekly commitment. Finding 2-3 events you can help with each year that take a couple of hours each can make a huge difference.

There are other ways to make a difference. Many charitable organizations need “stuff.” Often you can get a receipt you can use for tax purposes for donating items you may have thrown out anyway. We gave our last car away. Unused clothing. Books to the local library. Getting some ideas?

Aside from the obvious benefits of giving in some way – to the recipients of what you give, the “feel good” benefit you derive and potential tax deductions (I am being realistic here – it is a motivator for many ;)) – there are some other benefits:

• Our lives become richer, especially in cases where we volunteer in a more hands-on way.
• It helps us better appreciate what we have.
• It helps us to feel more complete.
• I think it can also help prevent depression. I’ve noticed that most fellow volunteers tend to be much happier people overall. Most I have talked to about this said that they have gotten back so much more than they have given through volunteering.
• As with working out (see my About page here), I’ve noticed that when I have an active giving plan – financial and volunteering – the rest of my life seems to flow much better as well.

With Thanksgiving around the corner and a new year not that far ahead, maybe it’s time to consider your own giving plan for the year ahead. Don’t leave the thinking for emergency situations. It’s a lot easier for most of us to come up with $5-10 a week than to come up with $250 or $500 during a crisis. What do you do now and what will you do?

P.S. I hope you realize that the “me” in the title of this post was referring to the world at large and not me as a person

On Letting Go

If I’m actively thinking about how I am letting go of something or allowing the subject I am letting go of occupy any part of my brain space, that means I haven’t let go. I have let go when it’s no longer something that takes any part of my conscious or subconscious thought.

An analogy: Imagine you have a sore back. You tell people for weeks about this sore back. Your back gets better. Eventually you forget you had a sore back. Then you see someone you haven’t seen in a while and they ask how your back is doing. It may have been days or weeks since you thought about it. You can smile and simply say the sore back is better. New topic and the sore back is forgotten until someone else mentions it or your back becomes sore again.

On Acceptance

I’ve come to realize that a lot of my issues with people have been centered around one or both of us feeling a need to change something in the other or pointing out the flaws or feeling an expectation to change the flaws for the sake of the other person. I doubt I’m alone in this. But I’ve had a mind shift lately. I’ve come to realize the world is a beautiful place because we are all different people and we’re all flawed in our own unique and beautiful ways.  The best relationships I have with others are ones where we simply accept each other as we are. These are the types of relationships I want to focus on.

On Being Alone

Whenever I’ve been involved in a heavy relationship, I’ve always felt a need to back up and get some personal space. So much brain space was devoted to all the “alone” things I missed being able to do. Rather than feeling miserable about my current situation, I’m actually enjoying it and the freedom I have. I can read until 5 am with the light on if I want. I can go to bed and get up when I want. I can eat my meals when I want and eat what I want.

Sticks and Stones

I am happy and proud of who I am as a person. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. There’s no need for everyone to like me. I will not sacrifice my personal integrity in an effort to get others to like me.  I don’t buy into the idea of keeping friends close and enemies closer. That’s not how I roll. I’m not in high school.

Taking Action

Although I need to know in my head where I am going, I don’t need to have a clear picture of exactly how things should look before I start to take action. I don’t need to have all the information before I make decisions. The old me used to be able to make decisions and take action very quickly. The old me based decisions purely on logic. The new me is balancing logic and emotion in decision making. Bringing emotions in doesn’t need to slow me down. I’ve learned that my gut instinct is right 99% of the time and I have to trust it.

Damaged vs Toxic People

The older I get, the more I realize most people are damaged in some way.  It’s inevitable that almost everyone has had at least some shitty time in their life – most of us many shitty times. For some people, the bad experiences help them grow into better and stronger people.  Unfortunately some people just end up damaged to such a degree that they end up being toxic to those who get too close to them.  Being able to recognize the difference between someone simply damaged and someone toxic is something I need to work on – but at least I am aware of the difference now.

Where To Focus Energy

A few months back, I hit a very rough patch. I lost some major clients going into my slow period. Not through fault on my side but because of the general economic situation. I had serious overhead and no easy way to scale back immediately. Although not a long-term issue, it represented a serious short-term one. I did what I could in the short-term to deal. But I also used up a lot of energy worrying and stressing over the situation.  The misplacement of energy likely made the situation much worst than it had to be. Many bills got paid late. Payroll got behind. Vendor payments too.  I’d never had this happen to me before. Some tough times, yes. But nothing ever to this extent. Given the money my businesses gross, it was almost ludicrous that it could have even happened to begin with. But it did. The strange thing is – the world kept on going. Nothing fell out of the sky and landed on me. I survived. But the bounce back would have been so much easier if I’d not worried, not lost sleep, not stressed over the situation. If I just focused on doing what I needed to. If I’d put my energy into fixing things rather than wasting it senselessly. I now know that stressing over things isn’t going to help things. If anything, it will make the bad that much more difficult to overcome. Rough patch: I’m prepared to take you head-on should you ever decide to rear your ugly head again.

Care to share any thoughts on the above? With the end of the year steadily approaching, what have you learned?

The growth of the Internet has changed the dynamic of friendships – how we find new friends, how we cultivate new friendships, how we maintain and stay in contact with existing friends. We’re no longer limited by geography when it comes to meeting new people. It’s much easier today to find people who share common interests that we can bond with.

What many look for today in friendships has also changed. Life has become sped up. Things are becoming increasingly specialized. For many of us, it’s a natural that we’ll develop friendships – offline and on – more tied in with our interests than our backgrounds.

I had an email exchange with Jane, someone who has been an off and on friend for over 25 years. She wrote:

“I have friends I’ve made online who I’ve known only a few months who I know more about than friends I’ve had offline for 20 years. I mean I know more about how they feel and think about different topics.

Look at you and me for example. We’ve known each other since high school. But I don’t know what music you are listening to these days. I don’t know who you voted for in the last federal election. I don’t even know if you voted.  I don’t know what makes you happy these days. I don’t know what your dreams are and where you see your life in 5 or 10 years from now.”

I know exactly what Jane meant. In our case, we rarely communicate with each other online. We see each other every few months maybe. Generally when we do, we’re “doing things” where getting into deep discussions isn’t really a possibility.  Our exchanges are about surface things. How her kids and husband are doing. Where I’ve been traveling to and what is happening with me in business. The polite chit-chat that doesn’t exactly stimulate deep discussions. Jane and I have agreed that the reason why we even remain friends is because of our history.

Tammy is another long-term friend of mine. Staying in touch online, having more frequent telephone calls, etc has helped us move our friendship over the past couple of years to a much deeper one than we had before. Like with Jane, Tammy and I don’t really have a lot in common but we do have the desire to maintain a long-term friendship based on mutual trust and are willing to work at it.

Thinking about my friendships with Jane and Tammy versus online friendships that have come and gone or stayed… got me to thinking about the fluidity of friendships today.  Humans, by our very nature, are not solitary creatures. Friendships and relationships provide us with comfort. But if the lifespan of friendships is getting shorter and shorter, is that having any kind of impact on our psychological well-being? Our experience predicates how we behave in various situations. Will we become less inclined to fully share and trust if we question the longevity of a friendship? Will this just perpetuate shallow relationships with others? Our lives today are becoming increasingly uncertain on all levels – marriage, work/profession, where we live, etc.  Are we now starting to lose the security blanket of long-term friendships too?

Would love if you could share your own experiences and thoughts in the comments.

During one of our exchanges,  the subject of personal happiness came up as it would often again in the future. In spite of having more money than one could spend in a lifetime, he was really an unhappy person when it came down to it. I asked him why. He told me it was simple: he wanted the same thing that everyone wants and it was something that no amount of money could buy.  I asked him what he thought that was. His response: someone to believe in him.

This was a pivotal moment for me. You see, as I mentioned in my last blog post, I had ongoing issues with my mother. But I never really could figure out what it was. I just knew that it felt like she did her damnedest to make my life miserable in so many ways. After this discussion with my friend, upon reflection, I realized that the biggest thing a parent can do for a child is to believe in them. To show confidence in who they are and who they could become.

It dawned on me that what was wrong – the breakdown in communications with my mother and I – came down to a continual lack of faith in me.  No matter how good anything I did was, it simply wasn’t good enough.  This caused a lot of damage – both to me as an individual and to our relationship. It made me afraid to share even the good stuff with her because I felt that she’d still find something bad in it.

Although our family didn’t have much when I was younger, during my last few years of high school and CEGEP (junior college), my mother’s small business was doing well and our standard of living improved a bit. When I was about to start university, my mother decided it was time to retire. My father had already retired a few years previously. I had always expected that I’d take over the business. I had worked for her off and on during school. It wasn’t complicated to do. It would have helped me get my adult life on a good track. Something inside her didn’t think I was capable of doing it. Instead of even giving me a chance, she simply closed the business down.

Around the same time, I was involved with the first person I was truly in love with. He was from a very wealthy family. I hadn’t even known who he was never mind how much he was worth when we had first met. It was irrelevant. Everytime we did anything, I paid my fair share to make sure the reasons I was with him were clear. In spite of this, his mother believed I was with him because of his money and said that I’d never end up with him.  I was 20 or 21 at the time of a specific conversation with her and I still remember it like it was yesterday. Eventually this sentiment crept into our relationship.

I was engaged very young. A total mistake in hindsight. But one of our big issues – which set the tone for many of our future relationships – was resentment or jealousy of how things came to me apparently “easily” while he had to work hard and still didn’t see results. I remember we were both writing for the McGill Tribune (student newspaper). He had aspirations to be a journalist. I enjoyed the creative outlet of writing but didn’t see it as a career for me. He started at the newspaper the year before me. One semester in, I was asked to be an assistant editor. For almost a week, he didn’t talk to me.

My life seems to have a recurring theme of people who don’t believe in me, believe I’m not good enough on some level, who don’t think I need the emotional boost to do what I do or who in some way have been jealous or resentful of what I’ve been able to do.

I have no idea some days how I’ve been able to accomplish some of the things I have. It’s been a lot of self-motivation. It’s been a lot of ignoring what everyone else says or doesn’t say around me because it does little to contribute to me moving forward.

What has been a big disappointment for me is that I have expended an incredible amount of energy over my life in encouraging and motivating others. I’ve believed in others when they didn’t believe in themselves. Time and again. I’ve yet to experience how that feels – to be on the receiving end of someone who genuinely believes in my abilities and who does so without any resentment or expectation of getting something in return.

I’m not saying I have never received any support from people. But it’s a matter of lacking in consistent support from individuals over an extended period of time.

If I sound bitter in any way, I’m not. It is what it is and it’s contributed to who I am as a person today. It hasn’t made me care less about supporting others to the extent that I can. Maybe if things had been different for me, I’d not have succeeded to the same level.

Not having someone in your life who truly believes in you and who can cheer you on through successes – big and small – is tough. It’s not where I want to be.

Take a look at the people in your life who mean something to you. What do you do – and what can you be doing better – to let them know you believe in them? What difference can you make in someone’s life just by saying 4 simple words: “You can do it.” Whether it is a child, a spouse, loved one or a friend – the 30 seconds a day it takes to give encouragement can mean the world of difference in what his/her life will ultimately look like.

In my last blog post, I made it seem like there were only 2 ways to deal with emotional burdens: trying to decipher things or burying them. A couple of conversations with good friends reminded me there is a 3rd – and much healthier way – simply learning when to truly let go.

I’ve already shared that I have trouble dealing with emotional things. It’s difficult enough to figure out why I feel the way I do, never mind taking into account someone else’s emotions and the reasons they feel and do the things they do. You can analyze what it was about you that caused them to feel or do whatever it is that they felt or did and find yourself going nowhere but crazy.  The truth of the matter is, it is often nothing about you, but entirely about the other person.

If you separate out from the situation what is/was under your control from them, sometimes you’ll find there were things you could have done differently. You can choose to take personal responsibility for those behaviors and emotions then chalk it up to – sometimes a painful – learning experience and then let go of the rest.

Perhaps because I’m a strong person I have always had an issue with truly letting go. I equated letting go with a sign of weakness. But, really, is it? By not letting go – and releasing whatever emotions you attach to a situation or a person – you are giving it more power. Holding onto things, trying to sort through things that often have no answer in logic, is actually weakness is it not?

There are a number of things I’ve written/tweeted relating to this over the course of this year. I think at some level, I knew what I should be doing from a logical standpoint; I just needed the emotional side to catch up. Here is one of those tweets:

“Truly letting go of something can not only change your mindset but it can change your life.”

Many years ago, I was in a place where I had let myself start to feel. At the time, I was in a relationship that was troubling. It was someone I was very close with who had, in my opinion, taken on a bad behavioral pattern of saying and doing things to intentionally cause pain.  I confronted him about it – saying we either had to end our friendship or things had to change. His response to me was: “I do not do things to hurt you. It’s how you choose to respond that causes the pain you feel.”  I felt he was being cruel by not making an effort to understand why I was hurt. In retrospect, I realize he was right. He was at a very bad place in his life. I let his words and actions hurt me. In doing so, I gave up personal power. I walked away from what had been a very good friendship because I let something that wasn’t at all about me/our relationship but relating to other things he was going through impact how I felt.

With serious prompting from one of my friends, I realized it was time to take my own advice. In 3 specific circumstances that were bothering me – emotional baggage if you will – I decided not only to let go, but to take personal responsibility for that which was mine and to also tell the people. I received closure in doing so. After all, isn’t a lack of closure one of the major reasons we have pain from many situations? The ball was in their court for how they chose to respond, if they responded at all.

My state of mind was not at a place where I actually had let go before writing/sending the emails. But through the process of getting it out there, I had a mindshift. I also now have my personal power back. I’ve let situations that were draining me on some level make the shift to being learning experiences.

This isn’t about putting walls up. This isn’t about stopping myself from feeling. It’s about recognizing that sometimes – no matter how we feel, what we did, what damages were done – the only thing we can change is how we choose to react and when we’ve decided we’ve given up enough on an emotional level to something or someone.

For several months, I’ve wanted to start this blog. I’ve felt the need to have some outlet where I could express “stuff” that has been going on inside of me.  Countless times, I’ve found myself staring at the WordPress editing box. Sometimes as many as a dozen sentences will actually get typed. Then I end up backing up when I realize that I’m simply not comfortable putting myself out there to the extent that I feel the need to. A few days ago, the reason why I was having this difficulty clicked. Ironically, it is the reason why I wanted to start this blog to begin with. I’ve lived most of my life putting up walls. No, this isn’t uncommon. I suspect to some extent everyone does it. But I’m not so certain if the way I handle things is normal.

I’ve lived most of my life on the surface. I had some really bad things happen when I was young. That combined with an incredibly difficult relationship with my mother resulted in two things: recurring issues with eating disorders and letting myself live a surface happiness to avoid dealing with massive pain inside.

Most people put up walls of varying kinds. There’s the public me – who is sociable, outgoing, fun-loving, confident and not afraid to express herself. That is who I want to be.  But bubbling beneath the surface is a completely different person. Someone that never really dealt with issues that should have been dealt with..who goes through this continual cycle of feeling the need to deal with it then realizing the best way to deal is just to avoid. I rationalize it away by saying you can’t undo the past. I’m not into psychological mumbo-jumbo.

On September 11th, it will be 10 years since my mother died. More than an anniversary of a loss of a person, I identify with it as the anniversary of a loss of the ability to get closure on some very difficult things. After she died, I had to take care of my dad. He moved in with me not long after and had started to have health issues of his own.

I think it took probably a year for me to realize the pain associated with my mother’s death. I was too busy making sure my father was okay to deal with my own emotional issues.  For the second time in my life, I wasn’t able to cope on an emotional level. I couldn’t block out what I was dealing with.  I decided it was time to get professional help. (Note: the only time in my life I’d ever seen any kind of therapist was when I was very young because of my purported “genius” level IQ and concern by educators that I wasn’t maximizing my abilities.)

I went to see one psychologist. Since I was never one to talk about the things going on inside me, never mind doing so with a stranger, it was very difficult to get started. Once I did, everything just started coming out.  He didn’t say very much during the session. At the end of it, he said to me he didn’t feel I needed therapy. He thought what I needed was to get pregnant and start my own family. In his words: to create my own happiness to replace the bad. Say what? Needless to say this left me more than slightly disenchanted with the idea of seeing a therapist.

One of my good friends is a counselor. Although she knows a lot of what I’ve dealt with, in spite of our friendship, I’ve never been able to let her in the full way. Around 6 months after the failed session with the psychologist, she encouraged me to see someone else. She suggested it was failure on the part of the psychologist and at the very least, I could benefit from talking with a professional.

I saw my GP and talked to him. I wanted a referral to a psychiatrist. I felt myself slowly becoming unhinged. My GP’s initial solution was to put me on anti-depressants. He said he didn’t feel I needed them. He said I seemed like an incredibly strong person. I had the prescription filled, but never took one.

I saw the psychiatrist. I went through a couple of questionnaires. Diagnosis: perfectly “normal.”  After a brief discussion, he said most people would not have been able to cope with some of the things I have. Ergo, I am a strong person.

Just over a year ago, I decided to give a distance therapist a try. I spent a fair amount of time trying to find someone that I thought would be a good fit. The initial session went well. She had me do some follow-up work on my own. But instead of dealing with the emotional baggage inside of me, her focus in the next session was on helping me formulate a plan to change the exterior. I tried to explain to her – the reason everyone thinks I am strong is because the exterior seems to be mostly together. It’s the inside that is having issues.  I was frustrated. I saw we weren’t going to get anywhere so that was my last session.

I’ve worked hard lately at trying to let people in. There are probably a few dozen people that know bits and pieces. There are fewer than 10 that know more. Taking the walls down that I’ve worked so hard at putting up hasn’t been easy. I’m used to being the person there for people. I’m not used to letting others even get a glimpse of what is inside. It’s difficult. I am someone that thrives on logic. The cut and dry answers to things. But the minute emotional stuff comes up or I let myself open up, it becomes very difficult. People feel selectively “safe” for me. This isn’t a reflection on them as individuals but more about me. When you open up to someone, when you let the walls come down, along with it come expectations. I’ve always had a difficult time asking for what I need from people. This is part of what I struggle with. When expectations aren’t met from someone you’ve taken the walls down for, how do you react?

Part of me desperately wants to go back to the old me – the person that was fully functional on the outside, where I just didn’t think so damn much and over-analyze every relationship with the people in my life. It was easier. You have no expectations of receiving or worry about how people will perceive your shared vulnerability, there is no disappointment. But the other side of me realizes that if I ever want to find true happiness, I need to get myself to the point where the exterior is a true reflection of what is inside of me. I used to think if I kept the walls up, eventually I’d get there. Now I realize that it can only happen by taking them down.