am i angry? hm, i’d have to say that i’d describe my shade of anger as a sexy lavender. nothing hysterical, nothing vicious…more annoyed…yeah, more bothered. a bothered blushy sexy lavender. and to be honest, i know that anger feels good and is therapeudic and normal and natural. i know that all my best poetry comes from falling prey to the biggest, most silliest, most dramatic of angry thoughts. that’s the sexy part.

i got in to work this morning…a tuesday after a holiday of sun&fun…my coworker got in much later than i. so the only good morning i ushered was to the lady over. when my other coworker got in…the lady i said ‘good morning’ to said, ‘i’m glad you’re here, she’s not much of a talker. she’s too quiet.’ i guess she didn’t realize i’m not a fan of self-absorbed BS…the first seconds i got into the office she told me she was still sick and got a new car. firstly, my dear, we don’t really exchange pleasantries a whole bunch but i respect you and we’re cordial. i’m just not captivated by YOU…let alone myself, but if you’d like to talk about the weather, i’m down. it was something in the way that she said what she did that was snide. rubbed me the wrong way. maybe because my environment is BORG-like corporate america, we’re all supposed to fit in a box somehow. eff you and the box you rode in on. lol. now if she would have asked me how my weekend was…well maybe i’d dish. blah. who cares…

who cares…and why am i angry? shouldn’t i be, people are vastly suffering with health issues, diseases, poverty, war…and i’m angry? i shouldn’t be…but i so am…

what’s new with heartbreak?
tons!

here’s quick history
saturday…saw ‘scream 4’ the series that started my ability to watch scary movies–not bad for a 4th installment-my disdain for hollywood films is growing–lack of story, plot, originality…diversity, especially as one could see from the most recent academy awards–that i did not watch. i can’t tell you the last time i haven’t watched the oscars.

pleasantly surprised by ‘limitless’

while watching movie previews for what is to come to mainstream theatres, i can understand why people don’t really pay ten bucks to go to the movies anymore. sadly.

last week…
last week, i was riding the waves of a superfun 7 day carribbean cruise with extra fun days in puerto rico

prior to…
job

stress

job

stress

holidays (yay)

job

hm…u see where this is going?

still writing reviews…
check out keren ann, earl greyhound, frank ocean

job…

stress…

i plan on stopping in soon again.

i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry…i shall try my hand at being better.

i guess my last post was in july…it was sunny warm july.
now the cold hands of winter…are here.

hello good morning God bless

happy new year…i shall…i shall return.

anyway, opposite of the negativity that surrounds my job…i have a few friends who are younger than i, significantly. they are vibrant young women and i am excited about them and their future. they come over and talk to me and share. we encourage each other…we do lunch. we talk music, movies…all kinds of crazy and not so crazy stuff. we talk constantly about all things life. one in particular…is pretty special and has taken extra care in making sure there’s some sort of everyday conversation. and i just wonder why. sadly, i can’t understand the interest…’cause i feel so freakin’ old. and i just wonder why i’m so interesting to these young girls…and i wonder what they wonder…about my age because every time i’ve shared something really funny or what i’d call ‘deep’ … we’ve seem to make cool connections but i just can’t understand their appeal for me. i mean, i think i’m cool, in a nerdy sorta way and i love culture, art, travel. i dress young…i suppose…i think i’m funny and smart but…i can’t understand why they’d wanna hang out with me…spend so much time with me. i’m way older than these girls…but not really. but sort of. and i’m thankful, for sure.

i don’t try to be young. i like what i like. i love jay z and jeezy. i dance crazy to trey songz’s and tori amos . i dunno. but i’ve let my age cloud my vision so much…it’s almost all i think about.

i foolishly thought that an artist as diverse as john sounded…and having collaborated with so many different kinds of people…that his heart and mind were opened as well. how crazy wrong was i?

john mayer ruined my valentine’s day because i had gotten into a horrible disagreement about the n-word. with someone i cherish above most. i mean…this person is elevated most over most. this person is amazing and fun…and gleeful and sweet. and wicked and sweet at the same time. my fellow playmate and the beacon of a lot of my joy.

after discussing mayer’s comments in playboy…the horrific tone and disagreement we had threw our awesomely tight relationship into a wicked tailspin. my point is that john devastated me speaking so ‘stupidly’ about african american women. his comments making them (me, people like me with regards to race) seem ‘undateable.’ that old racial stereotype that there is an ‘us’ and a ‘them.’ and that some are human and they…that group is not.

they…were more upset with my willingness to accept the fact that john had used the n-word at all. that anyone would use it. the reasoning because the word causes hurt and ill will. that the word is nasty and gross and hurtful and horrendous. true. they could not understand my acceptance of him using the word or anyone else for that matter.

my feeling is that mayer socialized the word…saying it was wrong for him to do…regardless, but the context was not degrading, or used with a degrading tone…it was more of a discourse than an accusation. he was saying the word not using it as an assault.

what did mayer say?

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.
from…playboy

it would take a while to go into the pathology behind what bothers me so much here.

-mayer’s saying if he had a hood pass he could say ‘nigger,’ ok.

-mayer’s saying that black american life is a struggle…is that all it is? does every black american struggle? do non black african americans struggle? everywhere across the globe…the US, every single black person struggles worst than whites? oh john, some of us don’t have to…

-kerry washington in all her beauty has to be ‘white girl crazy’…eff that…

-having any joke lined up in relation to white supremacy and one’s own anatomy…kinda lame, kinda scary…

and to be honest, mayer has vowed to be done with the ‘media’ game…but he’s an effin rock star…he won’t be done…but will i?

yes. i’ll never buy (and i don’t believe in never) but i’ll never buy another mayer album or be a face to a crowd at a concert. i can’t. not every artist is 100% morally perfect for my ticket money or my purchase…i’m doing this on principle.

anyway…john mayer ruined my valentine’s day. and chris rock made my point…sunday night.

chris rock’s ‘kill the messenger’

there is a larger part…right before this clip, that explains ‘context’ more…all under the guise of the ‘gray’s anatomy’ actor isaiah washington and fellow actor t.r. knight and the use of the f-word.

the idea behind the joke here is that you can call someone by their character…not their content. hm…judge not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character…in a sort of trans-racial, trans-gender ideology the n-word, the b-word…lose their power. however in our present day reality…the weight these words carry is still too heavy. maybe one day they’ll be old and powerless like reebok pumps…and held to the standard of words like moron and dumbass…those reach across…the across. men are and can equally be beotches…as well as women. whites can be called the n word…these are words…with direct non-racial, non-gender definitions…but we are not quite there…no, not quite.

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to move but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Knew the toll, but I would not pay
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Cause you never know where the cards may lay

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still don’t know
So many times I’ve changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I ain’t scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I’m trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Tried to run but I lost my way
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
Knew the toll but I would not pay
Didn’t cha know, didn’t cha know
I said ya never know how the cards may lay

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

erykah badu…didn’t cha know…from ‘mama’s gun’

totally not appealing to the writer in me…who wants to engage in all kinds of crazy, long-haired adventures…run thru streets and sheets of rain, take pictures of the sky and people on public transit, sit inches from a stage at a reading, go to an art museum at 11 o’clock…near mid day…plan trips out of spontaneity, get lost in a park or drive thru the desert. eat food. drink. i want all kinds of roads to getting to ‘merry.’

but no…not yet. i am me. i am here. i am corporate. i am work. i breathe. i have life and food and i’m thankful. and my heart goes out to those struggling to make ends meet, pay bills, who are looking for work and practically having anxiety attacks when they embark on countless, mind-numbing job searches. remember the enemy is giving up. if you don’t do 5 million things a day because you’re tired of it…or if you can’t muster 50…do at least one…then do two things that make you feel your best you. keep up the good fight. a change gon’ come…