Inventing My Life

Who Can Be on Your Team?

2012-01-24T20:36:00.003-05:00

One of the reasons I decided to send Elfe to Boston Public Schools - aside from being able to save money - is because I want her to go to school with kids who look like her, to have teachers and principals and other school staff who look like her. I want her to be in an environment that supports her in becoming a strong, self-confident Black woman, and I don't want her to endure being the "only" for the greater part of her day.

Someday I will try to write a post about the racial politics of the public school lottery system in Boston and the painful history that created it, and maybe I'll even write about the complexities of navigating those waters as the white mother of a brown child...for now, let's just say that while I am satisfied overall with the school Elfe was assigned to attend, I am disappointed by the fact that out of 22 children Elfe is one of only three or four kids of color in her class. The upper grades of the school include more children of color - the latest statistics for the school show that just 11% of the students are white - but her class reflects the changing demographics of the area around the school and the improving reputation of the school itself. To give you a sense of how things work here in Boston, the local NPR station ran a story a couple of years ago about how the school Elfe now attends was becoming one of the more desirable schools in the area and they called it The Year the White Kids Came.

So I was more than ready on Friday at bedtime when Elfe told me that one of her classmates said that she didn't want Elfe on her team because only people with white skin could be on her team.

Ready in many senses of the word...if something like this had happened two years ago, maybe even one year ago, I would have either gone completely ballistic or collapsed in a puddle of hopelessness - neither of which would have been productive or of very much use to Elfe.

Instead, now I have a pretty good sense that it is completely normal for kids at this age to practice dividing themselves into groups that include and exclude other kids based on things like gender and skin color. I did not necessarily think that there is racism at play here, but I did want the teacher to address the issue so the kids do not learn that skin color is an acceptable way to decide who can be on your team and who can't.

I told Elfe that this is the kind of thing that some kids need to learn in school, that she understands how people can be on the same team even if their skin color doesn't match because she has experienced teams like this - our family is a team even though we don't match, she played on a soccer team last spring with kids of all skin colors - but maybe the girl who said that to her has never been on a team with people who don't match her before and she needs to learn how to do that at school. I told Elfe that I would let her teacher know what happened so the teacher could make sure to teach everyone about being on the same team with people no matter what their skin color is.

Yesterday morning I emailed Elfe's teacher with essentially what I wrote above. Her teacher was there later that morning when I dropped Elfe off before school - she isn't always - and she said that she had just gotten my email and would take care of the situation. Later that day I got an email from her saying that the girl who had said that to Elfe was out sick that day, but that the teacher had introduced the topic of skin color in class and would continue to discuss it - using the book The Colors of Us to start discussions - until the kids got the message. She thanked me for bringing the situation to her attention.

This morning we happened to already have a parent-teacher meeting scheduled, so we talked a little more about it. Somehow on Monday during circle time Elfe ended up being the center of attention and gave an extended presentation about Ethiopia and her family there (she showed pictures) and lots of the details of how she came to be part of a family that doesn't match. Elfe had already told me about it the night before, but the teacher was really enthusiastic about it and said Elfe was so proud to share about Ethiopia that it really made her glad for Elfe's sake that the topic had come up. I am going to set up a time in the next week or two to go in with some more pictures of Ethiopia and our E is for Ethiopia book to give the class some more details.

This week I am once again thankful that Elfe is willing and able to tell me what is happening in her life so I can help her deal with it.
I am very thankful for Elfe's teacher - that she took my concern seriously, moved right away to address it in an appropriate way, already had a book on hand to work on the issue, that she was open to letting Elfe share about Ethiopia and for me to come in and share even more.
Finally, I am very thankful that even though her class is not as diverse as I had hoped, Elfe does get to spend time with a few Black girls from the 4th and 5th grades of her school who help out in the before-school program that Elfe goes to in the morning.

What are you thankful for this week?

Searching for...

2012-01-19T11:01:00.001-05:00

...a boy from Ethiopia named Melketo Bekele.

A friend of mine recently became aware that her son has a younger brother who was placed for adoption before her son was. She has already checked with the adoption agency who placed her son and they do not have any record of placing his younger brother. Melketo (spelling may not be quite right) is from Arbegona in the Sidama region, and would have been adopted some time between 2006 and 2008. My friend has a picture of her son's brother and a photo of the adoptive parents to confirm identity, she just needs to find out who they are and where they live!

If you have any information about Melketo Bekele from Arbegona, even if you know which agencies were working in Arbegona during that time period and may have placed him, please get in touch with me and I will pass the information on to my friend.

And please do share this with any other groups of adoptive parents you belong to who might be able to help!

Amesegenallo!

Joys and Challenges

2012-01-03T19:29:00.000-05:00

After a little more than a week of holiday vacation, today I had to go back to work because I had a meeting this morning.

Elfe goes back to school tomorrow.

Oh, the joys and challenges of being a single working mom!

This week, I am extremely thankful that my job is low-key enough for Elfe to come in and spend the day with me from time to time.
I am also very thankful that the meeting was very short - about 45 minutes - and Elfe was able to stay in my office watching a video while one of my co-workers worked nearby just in case.
Finally, I am very thankful to the friend who works nearby and took us out to lunch today - we needed a little break from the office!

What were your joys and challenges today?

2012 is Rhythm, Play, Thrive

2012-01-02T16:49:00.003-05:00

If this post has a certain fake-it-till-you-make it quality about it, it's because I am...faking it, that is - in the hopes of eventually making it. No update since this post, though I am still committed to doing something about it. Thanks so much for your kind words and good thoughts sent my way.

*************

I've chosen a word for the year for the last several years, but this year I'm expanding a bit - I've chosen three words! One just didn't seem like enough. My three words for this year are:

Rhythm! Play! Thrive!

Rhythm: Back when I first became a mother, I struggled with creating routines that worked for us. Instead of getting easier, it's actually gotten harder to create and stick to any kind of routine. I know that life would so much smoother - and Elfe and I would get along so much better - if we had more routine and less flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants every day.

Here's the basic problem - I get bored with routines. I hate doing the same thing over and over again, I get distracted and go looking for new challenges once things feel too routine and easy. I couldn't figure out how to resolve this dilemma until a friend described how she views life - every day, week, month, season, and year - as having its own rhythm that she follows.

It was an a-ha moment for sure. Rhythm! I like rhythm! I can do rhythm! I've GOT a ton of rhythm! Suddenly, life seemed more like a song to dance to rather than a forced march into eternity. And I think that after two years of motherhood, I've actually got a little bit of rhythm already going - which will also get easier now that Elfe is in formal school which creates its own rhythm for the year.

So, my first word for 2012 is RHYTHM - to remind me to find the beat and dance whenever I can!

Play: My second word is somewhat related to the first - PLAY! This is to remind me that life can be fun, that if I can't find a way to play at what I'm doing then maybe I should be doing something else. And, in a much more basic sense, it's a reminder to spend more time playing with Elfe and less time yelling at her to go find something else to do.

Thrive: So much of 2011 - and 2010 as well - felt like something I had to just try to survive. I did survive, barely, but I'd like to do more than that in 2012. So, my third word of the year is THRIVE!

Those are my three words for the year. What word or words are you focusing on in 2012?

Gone

2011-12-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

Elfe and I are on our way to NY for Christmas.

Last year, we stayed home for Christmas day and then drove down to NY on the 26th - just barely beating a blizzard down there. Back then, I made the decision that this year we would go down earlier and spend Christmas day with our extended family; it just felt like the right thing to do.

Now, I'm not sure if it's right or not.

On one hand, my parents' house is bound to be a heckuva lot more festive than mine. I just barely got a wreath on the door last weekend - I tried to make up for the lack of a tree by buying the biggest, gaudiest wreath in the store, but that's the extent of my holiday decorations this year. It will also be nice for Elfe to spend more time with cousins and other family.

On the other hand...well, I'm not really sure I can express what the other hand is. It's hard to put into words, and there's no time to find the words - Elfe is antsy to get on the road already.

The best I can do is point you over to what Claudia wrote at her place, which I very easily could have also written over here if I had been able to find the energy and the motivation to actually do it. She and I have made a deal to do something about it before 2011 is over, and I have plans to take those steps when I am back in Boston at the end of next week.

Posting will be light-to-non-existent for the next several days. If I manage to sneak away to a coffee shop with wi-fi while we are in NY, I will probably post a reading list or two, but other than that don't expect to hear from me. Don't take it as a sign that anything is wrong (especially after reading Claudia's post!) it just means that my parents are not the most tech-y people in the world and it's hard to connect to the Internet when I'm at their house.

Happy holidays to everyone!

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-21T05:54:00.002-05:00

Books Make Great Gifts - For Adults Too!

2011-12-17T14:26:00.000-05:00

On Thursday I gave you a list of books that make great gifts for kids...today I'm here to give you some recommendations for books that make great gifts for the adults in your life! Amazon links below are affiliate links.

I promise we'll be back to the regular non-commercial programming soon, but in the meantime this may help you finish your holiday shopping:

Adoption Nation - by adoptive father and Evan B. Donaldson Executive Director Adam Pertman, an ambitious overview of how adoption has changed over time and is also changing our families and the US.

My Fathers' Daughter - Hannah Pool, adopted from Eritrea as an infant, discovers as an adult that she has birthfamily there, including a father she thought was dead. She travels to Eritrea to reunite with them. This is a fantastic and valuable peek inside the mind of an adult transracial adoptee!

I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla - a great resource for understanding the stages of awareness kids go through around skin color and race.

Held at a Distance - Rebecca Haile travels back to Ethiopia for the first time since leaving with her family at the age of eleven and then growing up in Minnesota. Questions of identity and trying to reconcile the two cultures she feels a part of are particularly interesting for those of us who have adopted children with memories of Ethiopia.

Notes from the Hyena's Belly - Nega Mezlekia's autobiography from his birth in Ethiopia in 1958 through 1997, including his involvement in the political unrest and revolution that "was eating Ethiopia's children an alarming rate. This book was my introduction to the complexities of Ethiopia's modern history.

Beneath the Lion's Gaze - my mother read this one shortly after we returned from Ethiopia, and loved it because she had actually been to many of the places described in the book. She passed it on to me last year. It's a novel set during roughly the same time period as Notes from the Hyena's Belly, and gives a much fuller - and more violent - account of Ethiopia's troubled past.

Cutting for Stone - my mother passed this one on to me when I was there for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago. It's also set in Ethiopia. I'm about a third of the way through it and enjoying it so far - will try to write a longer review once I'm finished.

You can find more recommendations at my store on Amazon. Pick up something for yourself while you're at it - I won't tell anyone!

Books Make Great Gifts - For Kids

2011-12-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

With Christmas just around the corner (cue me having a panic attack...), I thought I'd share with you some books that would make great gifts for the kids in your life. Some are adoption-related, some are related to Ethiopia, some I like because they feature characters of color...but the main thing they have in common is that Elfe and I really like all of them! I've already reviewed some of them here on the blog, but some I haven't gotten around to reviewing yet. Any links to Amazon below are affiliate links.

Ready?

The Best Beekeper of Lalibela - A young girl proves that you don't need to know how to climb trees - or be a man - to have the best honey at the market!

Star of the Week - Cassidy-Li is going to be star of the week in her kindergarten class, but she has to get creative when it comes to including adoption and her birth family on her star of the week poster.

How I Was Adopted - The first book with an adoption theme that Elfe and I read together. It was super helpful in figuring out where to begin with developing a way to talk about Elfe's adoption story with her.

The Storyteller's Beads - A young adult novel by Jane Kurtz, set during the famine in Ethiopia in the 1980s. Two girls develop a strong bond even though they seem to be very different.

Fire on the Mountain - Also by Jane Kurtz. A young Ethiopian shepherd boy and his sister outwit a rich man.

Faraway Home - Another one by Jane Kurtz. This one always makes me cry, as a father describes his life as a boy in Ethiopia to his daughter, and how much he misses it even though it is so different from her life here.

Jump at the Sun publishes a series of classic fair tales in which all of the characters have brown skin. My favorite is Goldilocks and the Three Bears (Goldilocks gets her name from the golden beads at the end of her cornrowed and braided hair), but we also enjoy Jack and the Beanstalk and Beauty and the Beast.

This is not a book, but it deserves mention here: Happily Ever After is an animated series produced by HBO, in which classic fairy tales are given a modern multicultural twist and narrated by Robert Guillaume. Almost all of the characters in the stories are black or Hispanic - even Little Bo Peep's sheep are black - and voices include Whoopi Goldberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Della Reese, Chris Rock, Will Smith, Jimmy Smits, Wesley Snipes, and Denzel Washington. The DVD I linked to here includes Mother Goose, The Golden Goose, The Pied Piper, and Pinocchio; we also have another DVD from the series called Robinita Hood, voiced by Jennifer Lopez.

For more recommendations, you can visit my store on Amazon.

I also want to mention - for those of you who don't know or who have forgotten - that I am an Ambassador for Barefoot Books, a children's publishing company with many, many, many books that include multicultural themes and characters of color; it's the main reason I love their books and decided to become an Ambassador! I have a separate blog where I review Barefoot Books and offer special deals, so head over there if you want even more great gift ideas.

Good luck with your holiday shopping!

Forgetful

2011-12-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

Last week I completely forgot to be thankful on Tuesday.

Not like when I usually forget to post, where I was thinking about it all day and just ran out of time to post.

No, totally forgot about it. On Thursday I wondered how long it had been since my last post and should I think about writing a new one...and realized I had completely skipped thankfulness on Tuesday!

I think I forgot about it because I was ambivalent about what I really should have been thankful for last week. The potential ending I had blogged about the week before - the one I had been dreading but also secretly hoping would happen - it didn't happen.

Which left me simultaneously relieved and feeling hopelessly, miserably stuck.

So, I conveniently forgot to be thankful.

I'm still feeling stuck and unsure of how to get unstuck, but I'm not going to let another week go by without being thankful for something:

this week I am thankful for my on-line community, who are right now trying to help through a tough spot (that I will probably blog about once things are resolved)
I am thankful for some outside motivation that has recently come my way - in the form of quotas and expectations - and that I think might just help me get unstuck.
I am thankful that you guys will put up with all the vagueness in this post and understand the thankfulness behind it!

What are you thankful for this week?

Reading List 12-11-11

2011-12-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

We are having another low-key Sunday...cooking, cleaning, trying to get the house organized in preparation for an influx of Christmas gifts...and catching up on the weekly reading list:

John Raible writes about UNICEF greeting cards and international adoption. I agree with him, for the record.

At Jack & Jill Politics, here's a video of Jay Smooth's "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learned to Love Talking About Race" TEDx talk at Hampshire College.

At This Week in Blackness, Black Leaders Get Closeup View of Alabama's New Jim Crow.

Watch this video too, at Los Angelista: "Why'd You Give that N**** Your Eraser?": When Your 10-Year-Old is Called Racial Slurs at School.

At Womanist Musings, All is White in So-Called Multicultural Canada.

Let's end on a slightly more cheerful not - my sister is crafting for Christmas, and showing you how to too:

I, on the other hand, will be lucky if I get a wreath on the front door before Christmas is actually upon us...

Enjoy the readings!

December is Completing 2011

2011-12-05T19:11:00.001-05:00

I mentioned last week that I am more than ready to say good-bye, so long, adios, don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out, to this incredibly hard and much-too-long year.

But, before I can do that, I know that I have to really examine 2011 in all its gory details and not leave anything hanging. If I just jump into 2012 without tying up all the loose ends and forgiving myself for all the mistakes I made, I won't be able to create something new after the calendar pages turn.

So this month, just like the last few Decembers, will be devoted to letting go of this year. Finishing everything that needs to be finished, making sure I don't bring any leftover mental or emotional crap with me into the new year. I am already dreading this exercise this year, which tells me that it's the absolute perfect thing for me to do right now.

The other part of completing the year, however, is celebrating the successes. Despite the overall yuckiness of 2011, there were a few bright spots here and there. If I don't recognize them and take credit for my own role in creating them, I also won't be able to keep creating bright spots in the future - and, I'll be left with an unrealistic picture of what 2011 was all about.

Will you join me in completing the old year - whether it was a good one or a bad one for you - and getting ready for a new year full of wonder and joy?

Reading List 12-4-11

2011-12-04T11:53:00.001-05:00

A few quick readings for you today, then it's back to lazy Sunday activities for me!

From the US State Department, via Ethica:

Ethiopia: US Department of State Adoption Notice - Procedure for Processing Adoption Cases - November 16, 2011
Ethiopia: USCIS Update on Processing of "not clearly approvable" cases - the important point to note in this one is the first official record (that I know of) of a Notice of Intent to Deny (NOID) a visa to an adopted child by the US Embassy in Ethiopia.

John Raible says Stop deporting adoptees! And I say - get your child's citizenship status squared away ASAP!

I meant to give you this link a while ago - my friend Karen shared a great resource for November 17 - Children Grief Awareness Day. Since we were right in the thick of some adoption trauma grief at our house, it was a particularly timely resource for me...

Amy at Mo' Cookies shares a story that shows UN-ethical Behavior happens in domestic adoption too.

I loved this post, Two Roads at Our Little Tongginator, because it really shows how every child is different and you have to deal with the child you have, not the one you expected to get based on books you've read or the experience of your friend or even your own previous parenting experiences.

Heather at Production, Not Reproduction, tells us that Adoption Doesn't End and also gives us a little something For the Parenting Tool Box.

I know that hiding the fact that our children are adopted is not an option for most of us - and I've got a post brewing about how annoying that has been lately - but this guest post at The Declassified Adoptee, Adopted Me: My Life as a Late-Discovery Adoptee (about a man whose parents didn't tell him he was adopted until he was in HIS FORTIES!!!) really hit me hard. It is stories like this one that really push me to talk frankly with Elfe about adoption stuff - in age appropriate ways, of course - because if I wait "until she's ready" or "for a better time" it could very easily never happen at all.

Here's a new blog I discovered recently (can't remember how), and my favorite recent post from Thriving Despite Us - Love is Not All We Need...Sorry, John Lennon.

Finally, from They're All My Own, What's the Deal with the Black Kids?

I have more - that's what happens when you take a two-week break from making a reading list, I guess - but I don't want to overwhelm you. More next week, I promise!

And now, back to doing nothing on a chilly Sunday afternoon...

Endings

2011-11-29T20:18:00.001-05:00

Life has been very roller-coaster-ish lately. Lots of very high highs followed by really low lows, over and over.

I think the lows are about to get even lower.

The last two-plus years of unbloggable crap is coming to a head. I'm feeling angry at myself for letting it get to this point, apprehensive of what exactly will happen in the next few days, and incredibly frustrated that I can't figure out what to do about any of it.

In short, there's not a lot of thankfulness going on up in here.

But I do find myself feeling cautiously thankful for endings. Thankful for the end of November, so we can move on into December and being thankful for the end of one of the hardest years of my life. And maybe in a day or two I can be thankful for the end of something that has been sucking the life out of me for way too long. I'm not really sure what will come after that ending - which makes me afraid, I admit - but I'll deal with that when the time comes.

After endings come new beginnings.

What are you thankful for this week?

Gobble Gobble Gobble

2011-11-22T17:01:00.001-05:00

This week, I am very thankful to be heading to my parents' house tomorrow morning for Thanksgiving and away from work for five whole days!

I am very thankful that I managed to get a reservation on the ferry that goes from Connecticut to Long Island for tomorrow morning, which will make the long drive down there just a little more bearable.

Finally, I am thankful for all the delicious food I'll be eating very soon!

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!

Don't Tell Me Anniversary Trauma is a Myth

2011-11-18T15:30:00.000-05:00

Two years ago today, I got an email from Wide Horizons - my adoption agency - with the subject line "Good News from Ethiopia." It said that I had passed court in Ethiopia and Elfe was now officially my daughter.

This means that at some point during this week two years ago, Elfe was moved from the orphanage in Awasa, where she had lived since July, to Horizon House in Addis Ababa.

This week, this year, Elfe has been struggling. Twice this week she has told me that her tummy hurts right before we get to school...twice this week she has had a really hard time saying good-bye to me when I dropped her off. Yesterday when I left, she was sobbing and sobbing and sobbing - "Mommy, don't leave me!" - while the assistant teacher hugged her and tried to comfort her.

I had already given her teachers a heads-up that this time of year - November and December - would probably be hard on Elfe because of everything that happened two years ago. She struggled last year too, so I wanted them to be prepared for the acting out and the seemingly random grief that would probably happen.

Turns out, I was the one who needed to be better prepared.

I knew that I had passed court - and therefore, Elfe had experienced a move - in November 2009, but I didn't remember the exact date. Yesterday, after seeing how upset Elfe was when I left her at school, on a hunch I dug into my email files to find that Good News from Ethiopia message...and suddenly all the struggles this week made so much more sense. I may have gotten some good news two years ago today, but two years ago this week Elfe experienced yet another trauma on her way to becoming part of my family.

Yesterday I thought a lot about how I should handle this. Maybe I had caused some of her anxiety by talking to the teachers about it. Maybe I should should try to comfort her as best I could but not bring up what I thought were the reasons behind her distress.

In the end, I decided to handle it the same way I have handled a lot of adoption-related stuff with Elfe - by confronting it head-on, laying everything out on the table.

After I picked her up from school, I started a conversation with her in the car. I told her that I had found an old email message that I had gotten two years ago, telling me that the judge in Ethiopia said we were a family forever - just like the judge in Boston said we were a family forever this year. I said - hey, that means TWO judges said we are a family forever! That's like double forever!

That made her laugh.

Then I told her that usually when the judge in Ethiopia said you are a family forever, kids got moved to Horizon House right around the same time. So, I said - I think that means that two years ago you moved from Ajuja in Awasa to Horizon House right around this time. Do you remember that?

She said she remembered it, and gave me a few details - that a bunch of kids moved at the same time, that they took more than one car and the cars were black and white, that the babies were in a different car than the big kids. She said Mulat was one of the drivers but she didn't know who the other drivers were. I honestly don't know if any of that really happened, but I like to think it's a good sign that she is willing to talk about what happened and try to come up with the details.

When we got home later, we took a look at the email I got two years ago. I read part of it to her, and I also told her how happy I was when I got that email, because I knew the next step was to go to Ethiopia and meet her for the first time. But then we also talked about how scared and confused she must have been when she was moved right around the same time I got that email. I asked her if anyone told her what was going on and she said no...so either they really didn't explain it to her or it was all just too much for her to understand at the time.
This morning when I dropped her off at school, she was her usual cheerful self. No tummy ache in the car right before we parked. No clinginess or other signs of anxious attachment. Just a wave and a "see you later, Mommy!"

Maybe talking about what happened this week two years ago helped her understand why she was feeling what she was feeling earlier in the week and she was able to move through it. Maybe the scary part of moving to Horizon House was already over by this day two years ago so there was nothing for her to be anxious about today.

I don't really know.

What I do know is that if I had any lingering doubts that anniversary trauma was a real thing before, those doubts are gone now.

And I also know that I really have to save that email so we can look at it every year on the 18th of November.

She's Tall, That's All

2011-11-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

The most common reaction we get when people meet Elfe for the first time and she tells them how old she is, goes a lot like this:

Oh, she's tall!

What often goes through my head at that point, and what frequently came out of my mouth the first several (many) times we got that reaction, goes something like this:

Well, she could be six months or so older, she's from a very rural area and probably wasn't born in a hospital where they recorded the exact date, the international adoption doctor who examined her thought she could be a little older but not much and the bone scan they did said the same, her birth family are relatively tall so her age could be totally spot on, but you can never really know for sure about these things...

What I am working really hard at saying instead goes simply like this:

Yes, she is.

First of all, let me say for the record that I think much of Elfe's perceived height is actually an optical illusion. At her last check-up, earlier this year, she was at the 83rd percentile for height for her age, on track to be about five foot six when she grows up - certainly not freakishly tall for a woman at all! But she's slender and graceful, with excellent posture, which makes her look taller than she is. And she is extremely well-spoken and self-possessed for a four-year-old, so people assume she is older when they have a conversation with her. Plus, I am sure she looks much taller than she really is when people see her standing next to me - all five foot one and a half inches of me.

But every time someone comments on how tall she is for her age, it's a reminder that I may not ever really know if her age is right or not; this bothers me more than I expected. She is physically and mentally capable of many things that other kids her age are not...on the other hand, she often has the emotional response to situations that are typical of kids her age...on yet another hand, when I spoke with her birth family in Ethiopia, they told me that something happened one year after Elfe was born that is listed on her referral paperwork as happening six months after she was born, which makes me think she really is six months older than her paperwork says she is...thinking about all the variables and possibilities is enough to drive me crazy sometimes!

And for some reason, I feel the need to explain why she is so tall. My sister, whose son is about the same age and slightly taller then Elfe, can point to her six foot five inch husband when people make comments. What can I point to without giving away details about Elfe's story that I (or she) may later regret revealing to so many people?

It's gotten easier to stand firm in the face of comments from the average person. For example, I have had multiple, separate conversations about birthdays and ages with both parents of one of the little girls in Elfe's class at her new school. Their daughter's birthday is in August, and they've expressed some concern that she may be at a disadvantage as one of the younger kids in the class; the school cut-off date for Boston Public Schools is September 1st, so while Elfe and this girl just turned four over the summer, there are several kids in the class with fall birthdays who have already turned five. Every time they have asked me when Elfe turned four, and I tell them it was in July, they are surprised - they say she seems more than one month older than their daughter. To my adoption-addled ears, their comments about how tall Elfe is or how mature she is or how good she is at physical things that their daughter has not mastered yet, all sound like pressure to admit that Elfe is actually older than I am letting on. I have had to remind myself that they likely have no idea about age issues in international adoption and make myself keep standing there repeating, "Yep, July."

You would think this would be even easier with people who are part of the adoption community and "get it," but I have actually found it to be more difficult because they think they know what the issues are.

A few months ago, I was having dinner with a big group of adoptive parents and their kids from Ethiopia. Some of them I knew pretty well and see on a regular basis, some of them I know via blogs and Facebook and was meeting in person for the first time, some of them I didn't know at all.

The topics of the kids' ages came up. One mother in particular was really surprised that Elfe was close in age to her own daughter, who had left Ethiopia as an infant. She kept making comparisons between the two girls and insisting that Elfe must be older because her behavior was so much more mature than her daughter's.

At first, I tried to be polite and gave my standard spiel about how she might or might not be six months or so older...doctor said...bone scan showed...birth family is tall...blah, blah, blah. But the more this woman kept insisting, the more annoyed I got. The kids were not sitting at the table with us but they were not that far away, and I was getting more and more uncomfortable about having this conversation within earshot of Elfe.

But I was also getting more and more annoyed at the assumptions she was making. Why was her child the standard against which all four-year-olds are judged? Why was it so hard to believe that Elfe really was four? Some kids are tall, some are not; some kids have better motor skills than other kids their age; some kids are more verbal than other kids their age; isn't it possible that Elfe is in the above-average category for her age in all of those areas?

When I realized that I was this close to suggesting to the other mother that maybe Elfe was just highly intelligent and advanced for her age while her daughter was...umm...NOT...I knew it was time to turn to the person on the other side of me and start a new conversation.

Back when the international adoption doctor first told me that Elfe could be about six months older than her paperwork said she was, she also said that it probably wasn't worth making a change to her birthdate on her new US birth certificate. Six months wouldn't make a difference in what grade she would be in school, and the doctor said it would likely serve her well for people to think she was precocious for her age. But now I'm starting to think that this is backfiring on Elfe; people - especially people in the adoption community - don't seem prepared to believe that she is an extremely intelligent four-year-old over believing that she is really a normal five-year-old with the wrong birthday on her referral paperwork.

I suppose this well be less and less of an issue the older Elfe gets, and will probably be a total non-issue when she is an adult. But it has forced me to start thinking of ways to have a conversation with Elfe about how her birthday may not really be her birthday. I really didn't think I was going to have to have that conversation with her, at least not when she is so young, but I'm now realizing that we'll have to have it sooner rather than later because it will probably keep coming up as a topic of discussion among the adults around her. If you have done this and have suggestions, please share!

For now, I'm sticking with my story:

She's tall, that's all.

It's a Tax Miracle!

2011-11-15T19:04:00.001-05:00

About two weeks after I filed my taxes in October, I went on the IRS website to check the status of my refund. I was discouraged when I read that they usually couldn't tell you anything until three to four weeks after they received your return...but when I typed in my social security number, I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were predicting my refund would be direct deposited into my checking account in early December (unless they needed further information, which I was really hoping they didn't!). And, my state refund had already been processed and deposited into my checking account the previous day, so that was another pleasant surprise.

By the end of last week, my financial situation seemed grimmer than it had earlier in the week. I had cancelled my appointment to get the oil changed in my car - in favor of buying a few more groceries instead - and on Friday morning I was contemplating cancelling our outing to the sculpture park with friends because I was afraid paying the admission fee would leave me without any money to put more gas in the car in case it needed some before I got my next paycheck at the end of this week.

So, in desperation...and hoping for a miracle...I got on the IRS website again to see if there was an update. And, miracle of miracles - there was! The website said my refund was due to be deposited into my checking account that very same day, and would be available by Wednesday. In another miracle, when I checked my balance at an ATM on Monday afternoon, the money was already there!

I don't know how I got so lucky to get my refund in record time, earlier than the IRS originally estimated they would send it, especially when I know so many people who filed their taxes back in April and still have not received their refunds because the IRS has asked them for more documentation related to the adoption tax credit...but if someone can tell me the appropriate deity of taxes to make a sacrifice of thanks to, I will happily do whatever is required!

This week I am very, very, very thankful that this tax refund arrived just in the nick of time!
I am thankful that with the money from the refund, I will be able to pay off one credit card completely and half of another one, plus take care of all of my other overdue bills and even make a small business investment that I think will pay off big in a few weeks.
I am thankful that I rescheduled my oil change appointment because the day after the original appointment, I was going through a huge stack of unopened mail and came across a coupon from the dealership that will save me $20 when I do go in to get the oil changed!

What are you thankful for this week?

Weekly Reading 11-12-11

2011-11-13T10:25:00.001-05:00

I've got some banana bread cooking in the bread machine, milk heating up in the crockpot to become yogurt, and the first of at least two loads of laundry in the washer...so now it's time for a reading list!

From Ethica - Tennessee woman who sent boy back to Russia sued for child support.

From I Will Pull this Blog Over - Ethiopia, Infanticide, and Agendas.

From My Fascinating Life - The Periscope and the Dam: A Map of Adoption Ethics According to Me (Part Two).

Barbaloot at Zelalaland says Hooray for Hyphens and Karen says Not Much to Hyphenate.

At Resist Racism - Dear adoptive parent and Dear white adoptive parents.

Jane Kurtz asks Are you a philanthropist?

At the Declassified Adoptee, a guest post on What I Like About Being the Adoptive Parent of an Ethiopian Child (it's satire, but I have to say that some of them actually hit a little close to home...some food for thought...)

That's it for this week, hope you are having a wonderful Sunday!

Cash in My Pocket

2011-11-09T12:36:00.000-05:00

I know I was supposed to be thankful yesterday, but changing the clocks has thrown me off a bit.

It started well - I got an extra hour of sleep on Saturday night, Elfe was asleep by 7:30PM both Sunday and Monday nights, and she woke up early enough on Monday morning for both of us to get where we needed to be on time (something that had not been happening at all previously).

But then, I got a little cocky. I was so glad she fell asleep early Monday night that I decided to make the most of it - I stayed up goofing around on the computer, ate potato chips, and went to bed at a much more grown-up time that I usually do. And then I woke up at my usual 4AM on Tuesday morning...by the time Elfe was ready to go to sleep Tuesday night, I was ready to join her!

So, no thankfulness yesterday. But, given that this is the month of thankfulness, I'm going to make up for it today.

********

This past weekend, I participated as an artist in the Roslindale Open Studios - for my third year in a row. Turnout was great - the organizers do a fantastic job of getting the word out, and making sure there is enough going on to attract all sorts of people to the various locations - but I didn't sell quite as much as I did last year. I blame it on the economy - people just don't have as much extra cash as they once did. I did, however, sell more than what I paid to participate - always a good thing - and I ended up with enough cash in my own pocket to take care of a few things that I have sorely neglected lately.

This week I am very thankful that I had enough money for the co-pay when I went to the eye doctor on Monday morning. It had been over a year since my last appointment - when I am supposed to go every three to four months (I have glaucoma) - and though the doctor gave me a lecture about waiting so long between appointments, I was glad to find out that my eyes don't seem to be any worse than they were at my last appointment.
I am also thankful that I had enough money to refill three different prescriptions for eye drops to control my glaucoma after seeing the doctor. I had run out of two of them a couple of weeks ago and didn't have the money to refill them, and there have been several times over the last few months when I have had to wait a few days or a week before I could afford to refill a prescription, so I am glad to be back on track with the medication I need to prevent more damage to my vision.
Finally, I am thankful that I also have enough cash in my pocket from what I sold at Open Studios for a few other things - getting the oil changed in my car, buying a few groceries, taking Elfe to this amazing place (and thanks to S for the tip!) on Friday when we have the day off for Veterans' Day...things are still tight, but I am glad that money seems to appear for me just when I need it!

What are you thankful for this week?

Weekly Reading 11-6-11

2011-11-06T07:30:00.000-05:00

November is National Adoption Awareness Month, so most of the posts below are related to that. But beware - they are not the "adoption is wonderful and magical, everyone should do it" stories that you might be looking for or expect.

Adam Pertman has From Steve Jobs to Kids in Foster Care: Lessons During National Adoption Month.

Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land has Why I Won't Participate in Your Adoption Awareness (Insert Event Here).

Amanda at The Declassified Adoptee has Adoptember Begins! Did the President Get It Right This Year? and Things to Celebrate During National Adoption Awareness Month.

At The Washington Monthly, an article on how budget cuts affect kids in foster care: Taxing the Kindness of Strangers.

Malinda at AdoptionTalk says More Adoptions From Foster Care Than Internationally? Always.

Finally, this is not related to National Adoption Month but I think it is an important read for those of us who have adopted internationally - REFORM Talk has a book review of Finding Fernanda, a book about corruption in adoptions from Guatemala.

Happy reading!

The Best Beekeeper of Lalibela

2011-11-04T07:00:00.000-04:00

On Monday evening, while Elfe was happily dipping apple slices into honey at our friends' house, I finally thought to ask her the question I probably should have asked her when her love of honey first became apparent.

Did you eat honey in Ethiopia?

Elfe said yes, then described and pantomimed reaching into a hive to pull out the honey. Her description and gestures were pretty accurate, but who really knows if they came from a real memory of her life in Ethiopia or from things she's learned about beekeeping and honey collection since she's been here...I've never been able to tell for sure how accurate her memories are, and she doesn't remember as much about Ethiopia now as she did in the beginning.

Our friend Bill the beekeeper pointed out that it was entirely possible and even likely that people in rural Ethiopia collect honey from bee hives. Elfe and I have even watched some videos of people in other parts of Africa going to extraordinary lengths to collect honey (which is partly why I am suspicious of her "memories" - I think she might be remembering this video and not something that actually happened in Ethiopia!).

The whole conversation reminded me of a book we have that I've been meaning to recommend, so I'm going to do it now...

The Best Beekeeper of Lalibela: A Tale from Africa

Almaz is a young girl who lives in Lalibela, which is famous for its honey. She goes to the market every Saturday and samples the honey for sale there; eventually she decides that she will make the best honey of all. But when she goes to the local beekeepers to learn how to become one of them, they laugh at her - beekeeping is for men, not girls! Almaz is determined to succeed, and after much trial and error she eventually has the sweetest and most delicious honey for sale in the market. Even the men who laughed at her earlier come to admit that she has become the best beekeeper in Lalibela.

I'm not crazy about the illustrations in this book; they are a little too dark and heavy for my taste, and I don't think they really capture the beauty of Ethiopia's landscape or the Ethiopian people. But I love the message about trying hard to succeed at something other people say you can't do. Elfe always thinks it's funny when I read the part about how the men think a girl can't be a beekeeper - what a crazy idea, she says!

Lalibela is in the northern part of Ethiopia, while Elfe is from the Sidama region in the southern part of Ethiopia, but Elfe seems to love honey just as much as Almaz does - and maybe some day she will be the best beekeeper of Boston.

Disclosure: I earn a referral fee if you purchase anything after clicking one of the Amazon affiliate links above.

November is Thankful 2011

2011-11-03T06:30:00.001-04:00

I know posting has been light - extremely light - around here lately. I'm trying to sort a few things out...where I want to go with the blog, and with my on-line activities in general...how much is okay to share about Elfe and where to draw the line...what I want to do with the rest of my life...and in the meantime, I haven't felt very inspired to sit down and write a lot lately.

I am so disconnected from the blog, in fact, that I hadn't put any thought into a theme for November until I remembered yesterday that it is something I do on the blog!

My first thought, honestly, when I remembered that I needed a theme, was that November's theme should be "pull the covers over my head and hibernate until things get better."

Not very inspiring, is it?

Of course, the most obvious theme for November - the one I have had for the last few Novembers, and the one that many other people are taking on for the month - is gratitude. This is the month that ends with Thanksgiving, after all.

But I haven't been feeling very thankful lately, despite the fact that the only regular posting I have done for quite a while now is my Three Things I am Thankful for on Tuesday posts. I can usually come up with a few things to be thankful for on Tuesday, but overall life feels really difficult right now. On Tuesday I put $13 worth of gas in my car because that is all the money I had, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's enough to last me until the next time I have some money for gas. Yesterday I broke open Elfe's piggy bank and replaced the money she had in there with an IOU.

On the other hand, there is much to be thankful for. I can be thankful that I did actually have that $13 for gas on Tuesday, and that there was more than enough money in Elfe's piggy bank to buy a few groceries and take care of a few other things we need.

I can be thankful that, according to the Massachusetts department of revenue website, my state tax refund for 2010 was deposited into my checking account yesterday - less then three weeks after I mailed in my tax return - and that the IRS website says they received my federal tax return and I should get my refund in early December.

I can also be thankful that the Roslindale Open Studios is coming up this weekend, where I will be selling my photos and note cards, and if I do as well there as I have done at Open Studios events for the past two years, I should have enough cash in my pocket to carry us through until my next paycheck (for which I can also be thankful).

So, in the end, it looks like November will be Thankful after all.

What are you thankful for this month?

Chocolate for Honey

2011-11-01T19:07:00.003-04:00

Elfe still doesn't like very many sweets, and she really doesn't like chocolate. If it weren't for the fact that she is a big fan of dressing up like a princess, we would probably just skip Halloween completely - why bother, right?

She does, however, LOVE honey. Her favorite snack lately is apple slices dipped in honey. A lot of the bread recipes I have call for honey instead of sugar, and Elfe always wants to lick the measuring spoon after I put the honey in. I bought a big jar of local honey at the farmers' market this summer, and we recently finished it off - and after I poured the last of it into the bread dough I was making, Elfe put her fingers in the jar over and over until she got every last bit out! For a kid who doesn't like sweets, she is surprisingly obsessed with honey.

Enter my friends Bill and Alicia. They keep bees and make honey. And they live in a suburb where the neighbors go all out on Halloween.

Elfe struck a deal with Bill - she would go trick-or-treating in his neighborhood and then trade her entire chocolate haul for a jar of his honey. He agreed. So last night Elfe dressed up and went door-to-door, carefully asked every homeowner if they had any chocolate in the bowl of candy they were giving out, then took it all back to Bill and Alicia's house to trade it for honey. She ended up with a few non-chocolate things for herself in addition to her jar of honey, and everyone was happy.

Including me, who now doesn't have to eat all the chocolate Elfe doesn't eat - because it would be a shame to waste it, right?

This week, I am very thankful that we found a way to have a low-key but enjoyable Halloween without chocolate.
I am thankful that we have a good source of local honey, since Elfe loves it so much!
Finally, I am very thankful that we were not hit too badly by the winter storm that did so much damage in other parts of the state last Saturday, so we were still able to enjoy Halloween.

What are you thankful for this week?

Reading List 10-30-2011

2011-10-30T21:16:00.000-04:00

A reading list for Halloween...

From AdoptionTalk: No Racial Drag, Please!

Miss Minimalist tells us how to Exorcise Your Clutter Ghosts.

Watch this YouTube video - How To Tell People They Sound Racist - simple yet brilliant!

Hope you have a spooky Halloween!

Cool

2011-10-25T19:48:00.000-04:00

This week I am thankful for some cooler weather - fall is my favorite time of year!

I am also thankful that Elfe and I have been making a lot of progress in cleaning up and organizing all the little bits and pieces of her toys. My living room is now semi-presentable, and we're going to start working on her bedroom next.

Finally I am thankful that I was able to buy a cool Ikea loft bed second-hand from another family at a decent price recently. I still have to put it together, but it's in several large pieces rather than a hundred small pieces because they just took it apart enough to fit in their mini-van and deliver to me. I'm very excited about the extra space we'll gain in her room by being able to put stuff under the bed!

What are you thankful for this week?